A Fool In Love Or Just a Fool

well never really thouhgt about talking to strangers about my personal affairs as i am a private kind of guy. but it seems like no matter what i do who i talk to besides a counselor which is on the agenda nothing seems to work. i have been with my wife for 6 yrs and of those we have been married 5. in those 5 yrs we have a ton of problems to deal with. the first of wich is before we even got together there was aquestion about our first child even being mine. i loved her at the time and put the decision in her hands on whether or not we should stay together. now i know most guys wouldve took that opportunity of doubt and hightailed it to the hills. thats just not who i am. i loved her then as i do now. throughout the course of our relationship things came about like my addiction to vidoe games and beleive me there is sucha thing. she wanted to go to counseling then but being a no it all man i said all we have to do is talk more. and i ended it at that. well then it came to a head when i found out she was cheating on me. now to throw a curve ball (not excuse) my wife is diagnosed with ni polar and borderlind personality disorder. when she is seeing her doc and taking her meds she is the greatest wife and mother i could hope for. but when she is off of them and doesnt take them she is evil and demonic and always plays a certain pocket card she holds over me. now ive tried just about everything the only thing we havent done yet is counseling and i really feel like this will help. i have to start seeing a dr myself b.c i cant handle the on again off again thing. ive also been to war and b.c of it i am medically retired from the military we have 4 kids now and 1 of which isnt mine but throughout the pregnancy we talked it over and we decided to keep him instead of adoption. my wife every now and again repents and regrets what shes done and pours her heart out but then sometimes i feel its all an act except for the last time because of some of the things she said. we recently had a fight literally ocer nothing which turned into her bringing out her pocket card of she doesnt want to have sex with me or its hard for her to have sex with me. she said she is going to work on this issue but i dont know to what extent.... i love my wife dearly but i have kids to think about. i wont be a sissy and say im not scared of losing her because im down right terrified. but its for many reasons ... what i am looking for is how much is enough and when do you call it quits... i know if it werent for the kids we wouldve been done a long time ago but iwill walk through the the flames of hell for my kids just as i would for my wife. will counseling help at this point or is this a waste of time money and energy...

sexlessinshytown sexlessinshytown
31-35
3 Responses Mar 27, 2009

My spouse's mother was mentally ill. He said no way would he ever suggest that anyone try to raise kids with a mentally ill person who refuses treatment. The kids have it very very rough in those circumstances, and you need to protect your kids. You can't know what goes on when you are not home. That may sound harsh, but it is true. What she does to you, she could be doing worse to them when no one is around. Yes they love their mom, all kids do. I am sure she loves them too. And her mental illness does not automatically disquaify her has a parent. I loved my mother in law and have great sympathy for anyone who suffers mental illness. But, your wife's refusal to take meds, go to counseling, get the treatment she needs...she has to understand that these are choices that are hurting you and the kids. Not just hurting you emotionally, but destroying your family life, and your children's sense of security. It could cause them problems in school and with relating to other people. If you decide to try to take your kids out of the situation, be sure to get an attorney who specializes in cases where one spouse is dealing with mental illness. I wish the best for you and hope your wife will realize she must take steps to heal your family and your marital relationship. Trust yourself. You probably all ready know what you need to do.

You have a lot of sympathy from me. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder that is NOT being treated is exactly as you describe "evil and demonic". <br />
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If you and your wife attend counselling, I would make a point of saying that your wife taking her medications is a non negotiable point. If she can't or won't agree to that (or id she agrees but fails to do so) I don't think counselling on its own will be much help.<br />
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Degaurdog has a lot of good points to make. Your kids might be better off with one parent (you) and visits from their mother. But only you can know if this is a good idea. Do get legal advice if you decide to go this route.<br />
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Every best wish for a better future.

Providing you haven't cheated on her, you would be well within reason to leave her anytime. The problem is that would affect the kids. An added problem is her mental conditions are a factor. They would be alone dealing with an unbalanced mother. Your options would be divorce and seek custody based on a diagnosis of said mental problems, divorce and risk her getting custody (the one of which goes without question) or stay until the youngest is 18 and then divorce. <br />
It's unfortunate you didn't get a paternity test for the first child or this would all be moot. Counseling is still an option but she needs psychotherapy. Since she is on meds, you could take option 1 and likely get custody, especially if you record her diligence about taking her meds or you could threaten option 1 unless ehe agrees to take her meds regularly. <br />
Most of all, handle it as peacefully and with as much dignity as you can. This will be good for your children as you will lead by example. Good luck and thanks for your service to our country.