Trying Desperately to Reconnect

I will be married ten years in November. Early in our marriage, my wife and I had regular, satisfying sex. Like so many other couples, our frequency dwindled as our family started to grow.

In the first three years after our second child was born, we had sex once. The hugs, kisses and other forms of physical affection dwindled to next-to-nothing, and almost always initiated by me.

Then ...

Friday, August 15, 2008. Like so many other stories I've read on this board, the date of last contact can be pinpointed. My wife and I were watching the Olympics on TV in our bed when she suddenly says, "You know, I think I'd like to have some sex." We did, and despite the lengthy sabbatical and no foreplay, she had an ******, and as she often did when we made love regularly cried afterward.

The next night, I'm in the living room when I hear her call my name from the bedroom. I get up to see her standing naked in the hallway, saying, "I'm ready for more." (This is, without question, the most fabulous sight I've enjoyed in some time.) Same result as the night before, and she adds, "I think we've made a breakthrough here."

Well, you can imagine what has happened (or, rather, what hasn't happened) since. I feel misled and cheated.

We are going on five sexless years. Half our marriage. I honestly cannot remember the last time we kissed passionately.

In the times we've tried to talk about it, she has been clearly uncomfortable. I ask her what was different about those two nights in August, and she does not know.

She had a lot more, uh, experience than me when we married and with it some baggage that I don't believe she has totally worked through. We have had some stress in our marriage, thanks to financial and parenting issues. Our first son is autistic, the second strong-willed, and they demand an exorbitant amount of our energy. The responsibilities of children weighed on me much more than I anticipated, and I responded in a bad way, distancing myself from my wife and kids at times.

We're participating in a marriage class at church, and with sex coming up as a topic, I have brought the issue up again.

The other night, we were in the shower together no contact, just talking and she said she has no desire for any physical intimacy. She said she wishes that is not the case and is praying about it.

I am trying to meet her emotional-intimacy needs by being there to talk and listen, providing her with reassurance and doing acts of service, as the class is teaching us that such things will motivate her to reciprocate love in a physical way.

My love for her has deepened. For the last year, *********** has been out of my life. I have the hots for her like I did when we were dating. I do not fantasize about other women. As a result, the lack of physical intimacy between us has only left me aching more.

I told my wife that I am willing to be patient and see what the next two or three months brings. If things have not improved by then, I want us to see a sex therapist. I'm trying to remain positive but cannot shake the feeling that we are likely headed to therapy.

I'm praying for resolution to something that has become incredibly painful for me. As someone else here said, a lack of physical intimacy with your spouse feels like living with one lung.

DanMan89 DanMan89
36-40, M
1 Response Mar 28, 2009

Is there any way she has depression problems...and not just stress? Is she on anti depressents? <br />
<br />
They can wreck a sex drive.<br />
<br />
If you are determined to get this to work...good luck. But don't let this destroy your self immage. <br />
<br />
************ may relieve the sexual tension...but its not a replacement for the love affection and intimacy from a loving wife.<br />
<br />
************ is also normal and healthy.