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Sexless Marriage

My sexlife has gone down the tubes! Due to my wife's health and her lack of desire. I long for a exciting and meaningful sex life again. In the past I have tried whatever she desired to achieve ****** and pleasure but it has obviously failed to this point.
gabe69 gabe69 46-50, M 74 Responses Jan 31, 2007

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i know what you are experiencing. my wife went into heart failyer.and i went without sex with her for fifteen years befor she passed away. She had several strokes. Lost the use of her right arm and went blind in her right eye. she had diabeties and lupis besides and suffered a lot befor she passed away. but i would not have given up one moment of being there with her and for her . I was privileged to stand beside her thru all that time.

I can relate. If it wasn't for my wife's health issues ( but that may be yet another diversion of hers), I'd be gone.

My marriage is not sexless in the sense that my wife enjoys making love. BUT - the capitals are intentional - she is very inhibited. Until we were married (lateish in life) I had always had a varied and joyful - even spiritual - sex live and condemn nothing that doesn't harm others. I have no hang-ups about sex, but she does. How frank can I be here? Until I find out I won't be, but it is very frustrating. I absolutely adore giving and receiving everything except cruelty. I think she is aware of my frustrations as she is almost pathologically jealous of any relationship I might have with another woman - even contacts with past friends (not lovers) are taboo. So there is no opportunity to seek solace outside the marriage. The mistakes we make, hey?

nytviolet....I can so relate to your story! Im living it every day,only difference is my hubby would rather spend time on video games than with his loving wife....so lonley and at the end of my rope!

Nytviolet i can relate to you so much. I can walk in front of my husband naked and if he is playing a video game he will glance and that's it. Sure makes a person feel unattractive even though you can look in the mirror and know it's not true.

Boy, does this sound familiar. I remember buying some new, sexy lingerie and parading in front of my hubby as he was reading the Sunday paper, and he lifted his head ever so slightly, looked for one second, and then went back to reading his paper. I stood there telling myself that I will never, ever do that again, and I haven't. The feeling of rejection was enough for me.

I played video games when I was younger. I would have thrown it in the trash if I had an attractive women interested in me. Much less dancing in Lingerie.

I have tried all those things as well... the continual rejection makes you finally stop trying. It is no.longer worth the effort.

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My husband is the one in pain and I am working full-time while my husband feels the world revolves around him. He doesn't want to be touched, but everything I do is not good enough. He is a recluse and feels I should be just like him. I can't go to the gym, because he needs me, but he wants me to bring in more money. Like getting a second job. I won't do it! When we moved to va I had three jobs and worked over 90 hrs a week, teaching. I won'y do it again. I'm to old!

This sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship and you sound like a very hard worker and one that needs to be appreciated by a loving partner. Life is very short to be unhappy and in an imbalanced relationship with someone that only cares about himself.

Boy I wouldn't recommend stepping outside of the marriage. Perhaps some counseling would be a good place to start? I don't agree at all with the people saying secrets are necessary, or could be a good thing. Honesty is the best way to go in a marriage. Talk it out with your wife. I'm sure she will appreciate that a lot more than you having an affair and keeping it a secret.

I agree with buzz.
Not knowing your age or your wife's health problems, we can only tell you our stories and how them might relate.
A counselor, doctor, friend or religious leader, depending on where your confidence lies can provide a sounding board. A lot of bad things can come from having an affair. Losing you wife, your self respect and the respect of your family and friends are probably the worst.
Be thoughtful about what you do.

I'll agree that honesty is the best policy. However, I think assuming that the honesty will do any good is quite optimistic.

I'm not in sexless marriage, my problem is that my wife can't keep up with me.I can have sex twice a day in the strangest places.My wife wants it at night and only a few nights a week.I don't want to cheat on my wife because I love he so. She doesn't mind me meeting women on the internet and getting into sexual conversation. But, it's not the same. Not even close. Also, I don't know if I am really chatting with a female?

Every relationship is different, eh? My wife and I would discuss the problem. It hasn't fixed anything but we both know what page we are on. We also know what the other might or might not do but as stated below, we have agreed not to tell the other if do have an affair. ** Note: I will not have an affair but I also have the dysfunction. ** I am not saying this is the solution for anyone else.

Don't ask, don't tell...*nods*

This would not have worked for me when I was thirty now I appreciate that she has emotional (maybe physical?) needs I cannot meet. I think the rules clear. I also am no fool and realize this jeopardizes the relationship but it is already in jeopardy. It is up to her to determine what she needs and up to me to let go. What is that old saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."

Then don't you think you owe it to yourself to seek sex elsewhere preferably in a relationship, but to keep it from your wife to avoid any pain to her. Everyone needs secrets and this could be a sustaining secret which would be good for you and your wife. Of course it would depend on your character whether or not you could keep this from your wife.

Hi Gabe I now exactly what you are refering to. I have been marrioed for 5 years now will be 6 in November. My wife and I dont have much sex and its seems like I always have to reminder about it. She has very low self esteem and also not much desire for sex. She also doesnt like a lot of things I do also which doesnt help.

Gabe. I understand where you are coming from. My husband is the same way and that's why I took on a lover. Its my life and its too short for all of us!

I feel your pain.

How ironic. I'm the one with fibromyalgia, protruding disks and constant stomach upset from stress, and my husband (who whines like a teenage girl if he gets a splinter) rejects me! Actually, he gets off on destroying my self esteem, telling me he's no longer sexually attracted to me. I'm 9 years younger and very attractive! In the past I begged him to have his T levels checked. I mentioned it the other day, and outta the blue ge announced, "I had them checked and my T is through the roof.". Way to stick the dagger in deeper. He doesn't want me anymore, but hates the idea of me being happy with someone else. If I weren't in constant pain, I'd pack and leave tomorrow. Your wife us damn lucky to have someone look past her illness and strive to please her. I'd turn over a paycheck to have my husband massage my aching back. I suspect guilt keeps you with her (and love). My husband compounds my pain by being mentally cruel, insisting I pay for half of everything and enjoying his retirement with friends on the golf course while his sick wife puts in 55 hour work weeks. Your situation sounds like there is still hope. Her health is the issue, so massages, and gentle words will go a long way. Best wishes.

If you want a 21 ye old Guy to take care of that back send your number

That's so sad ypu're living with a double pain- but keep in mind can remove one of them ;)
Really though it's horrible to read someoe coud be so awful!

What an a$$hat!
I wish you Godspeed in getting away from that worthless jerk!

NytViolet, You deserve so much better than an emotionally abusive husband. Low testosterone levels are common after age 50, but can be treated. However , your husband's tale that his testosterone level is "through the roof" is a little odd. Because elevated testosterone would be looked at for treatment also (it an be an indicator for testicular cancer). Perhaps you should bring that fact up to him & watch his face on that one! (Sounds like he needs encouragement to see an endocrinologist)--although I suspect he's bluffing to make you feel bad since in his mind t levels "through the roof" make him manly & you less womanly. The opposite is true, no real man fail to make his wife feel special & loved. He should be thanking whatever deity he holds dear that he landed a much younger woman who is willing to work & wash his laundry! (lol) :) God Bless

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I feel for you. My husband doesn't want sex and I know he's not cheating.

Don't give up. I bet hee health has much to do with it. God bless.

Remember - Life is what we make it!! if you not happy then you need to make changes. Not necessarily leaving him/her but looking at other options.. what about an open marriage.. that way you can both look at other people and have sex with other people. without the constant worry of I'm cheating.

An open marriage would seem to be very tricky. While there is a sexless marriage I still think there is some emotional attachment. What would be best for me is an open marriage that wasn't discussed. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt my feelings if I didn't know about it.
We all need physical interaction, right?

Gabe69 I feel for you. I'm in the same situation, wife not interested. Hormone imbalance , she is on other meds so her doc will not help her with this problem yet. It has been 3 years since we have been together. At times I think why am I here, I live my wife but am lonely.

I've been on both sides. <br />
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With women and men, sex is an emotional thing. If we do not feel emotionally or physically nourished than sex drive is diminished. If sex was great for you, think back to when sex was great. What was or is different now? Are you currently going through emotional issues? Arguing? Sometimes people will with hold sex because they are angry, upset or feel a disconnect with their partner. Maybe there are issues regarding your wife's health that are making her feel less feminine or less attractive? Different things hold different value to different people. Maybe she is a wine and roses woman who craves romance or maybe she is a woman who simply wants to be appreciated and complimented. Maybe you need to connect more on the male/female level. If you have been together while you can get into a rut and fail to push out of your comfort zone simply because of habit. <br />
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Health issues can wreak havoc on your sexuality so if there is a pattern or you think it is a concern, then talk to your family GP. So many things could be happening there. Not only medical issues but even stress can kill sex drive. Maybe having the sex the way you used to isn't an option anymore. Without knowing details, I can't comment.. <br />
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For men and women, we generally have different communication styles and in most cases, sex drive. Have you talked to your wife about it? Do you feel comfortable asking her about why things have changed? I think this is the best place to start before you even consider other options. I have male and female friends and the big thing is communicating your needs and expressing what you want. You might be pleasantly surprised or shocked in what you find out. Especially if you have been together for awhile. <br />
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My experience is that sex and sexuality is ever changing.. Good Luck.

Well I would just like to say that I am so sorry to all the men and women going threw this. As I read alot of the comments Iam like omg............ thats horriable. Iam a female married 14yrs and i must say my husband is very luck. Cuz i want it all the time, idk what it is but iam always horny........

I have sex dolls´╝îDo you want it?She can substitute for your wife,You will be very satisfied.<br />
http://www.dhgate.com/wholesale/store/ff808081353bfc120135570d2d59637a.html?datatype=data

i WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH FOR YOU TO DIE. ;)

I am so relieved to see that this is a situation that not only I have. I am 47 and attractive. My husband and I were very sexually active in the beginning of our marriage. But now we haven't had sex in 2 years. I have tried to talk to him and he just says that he loves me and is still attracted but we are very busy people and tired when we go to bed. He says all I have to do is ask. Well, I have and I'm turned down....after a while It's humiliating to keep asking so I don't anymore. Now we are like brother and sister and I hate it. I am afraid I will start to resent him. I am starting to notice other men I'm attracted to and it gives me guilt. I don't want our marrige to end, I love this man with all my heart. There must be an answer out there.

Isn't that the truth. I finally got tired of the humiliation of rejection and stopped asking. He seems happy now. Damn it!

All it takes is to be yelled at or put down for trying to touch him or be close to him and it doesn't happen again. ...been there, gone through it.

I had a similar situation with rejection, I am a male, from my wife, who thought I was over sexed. I thought I was simply wanting to share a good thing. She did not have a sex drive, or sexual fantasies nor could I give her an ****** if I tried. So, we have now settled into mutual ************, together when she feels like it, me whenever I feel like it, she is ok with that and I am too. We have not had intercourse for over 15 years, in a 32 year marriage. We are both happy, and think our sex life is much better than it was. Now am I missing something, or have I gotten something that is better than I could expect? We have not discussed having other partners and are happy sharing our lived together,, working, travel, etc.

Now I have to admit, I was out of my mind with what to do when I found out that some people do not have a sex drive and nothing that you can do will change that. We did try hormone therapy but that did not do the trick. We did try counseling and this was good, since it made my wife see that maybe I was not a sex maniac. I guess I was hoping for once a week and when it got to be about once every 3 months, I figured I was not the one with a problem.

So, I see form this story that both male and female can play either part. Some get to this bump in the road and can't get around it, and leave each other. Some go into hiding and put up with it. Some do what we have done and find some mode that works. I do have to say my honey is the most allowing person I have ever known, she is the best in this regard, however, I can not think that our sex drive will ever be on comparable levels.

I am still a happy camper, and she is too.

I would stop initiating for as long as I could hold out. But eventually I would try because 1 time in 10 it would work and we would have satisfying sex. Even she would say "It's been too long." Then a week later, I'd get rebuffed again. I'm now on my longest stretch ever of not initiating. I haven't made a move since before Thanksgiving and we've not had sex since then.

That's exactly what my wife would do. Eventually, though, she decided to up the ante by making derogatory remarks right in the middle of intercourse. That was 15 years ago. I haven't initiated since. Seems like she's has what she wants, I have nothing. If I weren't 65 I'd be gone.

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Hope you can fix with this problem.Its not easy to be in a committment and live like a hell because of this kind.Everyday you are disturb.See a doctor for your problem there is still a chance mybe for you.

Yes. I am a supid woman. Young people aren't the only ones who feel isolated and rejected in a marriage. I'm 63. We haven't slept in the same bed for over 15 years...he snores...in fact, I sleep upstairs to be "out of range". (he PROMISED along time ago he would have surgery to fix it, but got up to the day before and backed out). He's 8 years older than I am....a BIG difference in age. ALTHOUGH, he still does physical, construction work and is active, except with ME. We haven't had sex in over 2 years. Can't remember the last time he said, I love you....BUT he says it to his kids and sister when he finishes talking to them on the phone. We live like roommates. We rarely share ANY activity...doesn't like the things I do. Why am I staying? you might ask. I have ADULT, yes ADULT, children that make it a living HELL when I want OUT. We've divorced before and remarried...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. The "kids" refused to be around me because I divorced the "best Dad they ever had". YEP...I'm the stupid one, alright. Now, we have property that would have to be divided...such complications. I'm stuck.

My story is about the same but visa versa..My husband is ill..a lung illness and a diabetic...Due to his illness we haven't had sex in 9 years...I miss it badly,the holding,touching,ect..he tries to do that but since we can't "finish the act" it's like my body feels nothing.It refuses to react to him cause it knows it's not going to get it's needs totally met...I am thinking of leaving,i just don't know about the kids we have(both grown).They are not able to work..one is legally blind and the other has seizures...neither gets any money help..and also the promise to God i made of till death do us part...I don't know how to save myself and my future happiness without hurting others.

Please think!

In MY marriage I am the one who is ill . My husband hasn't touched ME in over 12 years. I too took a vow over 35 years ago, how silly I was to believe HE meant them. (Ya know, the for better for worse, for richer for poorer part?!?) Medications have physically changed me physically and I am no longer attractive to him... I am a very large, 5'2" tall woman who is in her middle 50's.<br />
It's absolutely heartbreaking to feel I have lost my sexuality and sensuality ~ I have had several male friends tell me they are interested in me, but then one has to deal with the emotional turmoil that affairs brings to one soul ... for me , at this time ... I feel I am in a 'no win, no win" sexless state of being ~

I think he meant it at that time. I think his problem is that he cannot cope with the "poorer part". I do NOT state that he should react like this; I am afraid he "just" mentally can't cope. Of course you can blame him for that; you have every right to; problem is when one really cannot; what's there to do about it?
xW

Its easy to say leave when you are not in the story. My wife has breast cancer for the last 2.5 yrs sex just a few times I have tryed the head dpoc. but she won't go we are at a point new breast made next the nipples then I will be pushing the head doc hard. its hard when you think that the breast are only one part of seex so why no sex its has to do with the female and sex is a head game from the start to the finish.

After two years of a completely sexless marriage, yesterday I joined the legion of married people having an affair. It was not what I intended or wanted, but it has happened. I realize just how bad this situation is. I will get through the holidays and stick a fork in this one - I think it's done. Not so that I can be with the other person, but so that we can be free to discover whatever it is he needs that keeps him from having sex with me.

This will cheer you up, Guaranteed! Say this three times slowly while looking in the mirror, "One day, I will escape this prison that I have built for myself."<br />
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Say it everyday!

see, I dont understand this. I know I have only been married two months but I have a huge sex drive and so doesnt my husband... but at some point things do get stag and thats what happens. Its life. To even think about CHEATING on your wife is sick... you obviously choose sex over your wife. If you want to make your marriage last you need to get your crap together and go see a sex therapist. you need to get your partner back involved with you (if they ever were) It makes me mad to see things like this, because I think, what would happen if we get busy with life, children, work, etc and forget about one another...and then I think to myself, my husband would give up everything for me, so that would never happen. He would happily do his business in the shower than hurt my feelings... but the biggest thing is... I know if I wasnt aware of my neglecting him, he would sweep me off my feet with an amazing weekend away and then he knows if I wasnt stressed out and dealing with EVERYTHING then I would be able to please his every need.<br />
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You men need to think for a minute, and take a walk through your wifes brain.<br />
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First off, men think that if they pay all the bills, what do the wives have to think about right? WRONG!<br />
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Woman have brains that are CONSTANTLY going, thinking about - Doc appts, health of her children, health of her husband, laundry, dinner, holidays, planning birthdays, vet appts, things wrong with her house, her family, nevermind thinking about how she has changed, how age has made her unattractive, her wrinkles, her desire for life... ETCCCCCCC... the list can go ON AND ON!<br />
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If you want your wife back... TAKE her back... show her the beauty she carries show her how much you love her by taking her away from life and let her clear her mind... maybe you need a weekend at the beach, where she can lay out PRIVATELY at the beach and enjoy life again... let her take a deep breath and at night, show her a good time, make her laugh, make her smile, show her a tender kiss, gently touch her body, make her feel desired.<br />
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A Woman does not just feel that they want SEX. They feel they want to be loved and desired... Men instantly can jump on a woman, women need to be worked up... work at it, tender touches, kisses, and laughter is a fast way into a womans pants... you want it, you work for it. Stop sitting her on the internet complaining about a sexless marriage and go get your wife... the woman you MARRIED, the woman you DEVOTED yourself too, do not think for ONE second that cheating is a good idea.<br />
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You married that woman for a reason right? Not just because it is sex whenever you want. You both have a problem, either seek out counseling or do your own counseling and take yourself back and bring her with you to the time before life, before kids, before bills, before animals, before the house and doctor appts ... before it all. Get off the internet and go show your wife she is the ONLY one you desire... go buy her some damn flowers!!!<br />
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GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You're so wrong about so many things. It's not always his fault, dear. And no flowers are going to fix what's wrong with this marriage. Were the situation reversed, I would have no problem with him having sex elsewhere. I wish he would afford me the same courtesy.

I like this answer because of its frankness. My dear it won't go this easy as you mention. having a relation means a lot of work (staying in it) for both partners. Only one dedicated one will never succeed. xW