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Sexless Marriage

My sexlife has gone down the tubes! Due to my wife's health and her lack of desire. I long for a exciting and meaningful sex life again. In the past I have tried whatever she desired to achieve ****** and pleasure but it has obviously failed to this point.
gabe69 gabe69 46-50, M 73 Responses Jan 31, 2007

Your Response


then you might as well be marriage less

You are a member in good standing in a very large club.

This is a very interesting thread for me as I have done some research in it and have know sdomeone who lived through a sexless marriage. <br />
The first things one must consider are some basic facts: when we talk about sexless marriages,<br />
we often think of men who have erectile dysfunction or a "cold" woman. I am not going to say that some marriages don't have those problems, nor that the two are disconnected but the fact is the cause(s) are usually due to both partners.<br />
Just as many men have erectile dysfunction, women can have a low desire naturally. I just got this from the Mayo Clinic:<br />
<br />
"So, what exactly is low sex drive in women? In medical terms, you have hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes you personal distress. But you don't have to meet this medical definition to seek help. If you aren't as interested in sex as you'd like to be, talk to your doctor."<br />
<br />
I have also learned that many more women suffer from this dysfunction ( their husbands too) than most of you would believe. How about the fact that during a lifetime, more than half the women in the world will undergo low desire at some time in their lives. It is a fact of life. <br />
<br />
However, just as when a man has a physical problem that causes stress and strain on his marriage, so can a woman. <br />
The problem comes in, I believe, in two ways: Firstly, the most secure people in the world, in fact, all people need intimacy of some kind! So a couple that does not have intimacy because of <br />
these or any reasons, have a problem. A very basic part of their humanity is neglected.<br />
We all need to feel that we matter to someone!! So we can not ignore it. In a marriage of the usual Western type, a part of the bond itself is the interlocking of two people top make a couple.<br />
So each person is responsible for protecting their intimacy, and if we have a problem, it is our duty, out of respect and love for our partner to get it taken care of as best we can. <br />
We must emphasize in our minds that each of us has only one life to live, and when someone makes a promise to us, as in a wedding vow, out of their own freedom, then they have committed themselves to do all they can to respect and develop their interconnectedne3ss or intimacy.<br />
<br />
So if a man goes to a doctor for his Viagra, a woman must go for her low desire dysfunction.<br />
Otherwise, how can the other person continue to feel their partner love3s them if they do nothing to communicate it?<br />
<br />
I know of a man who live with his wife for over forty years and more than half the years he lived with no coitus. At one time he had to live with her for 11+ years without any intercourse, and another stretch of 6 years in there too!! <br />
Then, of course,. of the years they DID have intercourse, she never had it with him more than once in any day, and never had more than one ******, and he told me he thought she faked it a lot.<br />
That sounded to me like a power problem. I advised him to seek a divorce. He got it. It was determined that they were not legally married, even though the got married in a church, because the marriage was never consummated!<br />
I have always found his story astonishing. She not only rejected him but also emasculated him by not ever seeking help. It was his problem,. not hers she claimed. The judge did not agree.<br />
<br />


Wow - that is powerful stuff

if you still love your wife stay with her but have safe sex on the side and not ever let her know.

That is not the way. There are two responsible for the situation. Not having sex; OK; not even to be understood in my mind. In this situation refusing to allow the partner to have sex with somebody else; I think that is physical en mental near to torturing somebody.

Hi again,. I want to thank all of you for your courage to post and share. I got courage yesterday, after reading all these to confront my husband. We had a long talk and we are going to go to our therapist first. This was my husbands decision. I am willing to compromise and meet him half way. I just need some kind of consistent touch and physical intimacy. He does try so hard to be there.<br />
<br />
He finally opened up to me about his own sexual child abuse, which we both have been through and although we went to therapy over that, he still has more la<x>yers on the onion to peel. It is much harder for men, I think, to look at their issues than women. So I give him credit for really listening this time and making a decision<br />
<br />
Anyway I know we have a long way to go, but I have some hope thanks to this sight. For three years, I was afraid to reach out and didn't feel I had anyone to talk to or confide in. I got on the internet and looked up all kinds of infor. about this subject and that is where I found this sight. Thanks again!

Oh my gosh I typed all that and it just disappeared on me. Well I will try again. Bottom line I am in my 60's and my husband and I have worked on our marriage for so long over 15 years. We are 24 years into marriage. We have both worked so hard, I am not willing to give up and leave over this, although at times I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.<br />
<br />
Because of my religious beliefs I will not have an affair. Had an emotional affair in my first marriage and learned that is not the answer. My husband and I talk alot about this, he reassures me all the time that it is not my fault that he has erectial dysfunction. It is hard to accept, In my mind at times I go to the negative and think he is not in love with me anymore. I am old and not as attractive as I was in my younger years.<br />
<br />
He tells me I am his love of his life, he adores me and will always love me. We have tryed all those things to help, but do not like the side effects al all... Well my thought for today is to live without sex is a l oss to live without love is a tradgedy!!

my wife wasn,t sexually abused but she hate the thought or even trying to giveing me intercorce we only do for play. i never cheatting but the thought has come to my mind many times.

I am in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, and I've always been the initiator. I have lost interest in initiating now, and we haven't had sex but one time this whole year (in January). I am a very sexual person, and he knew that before we were married. I also knew that he did not really have a high sex drive as well, but I thought he'd change. I now know that you cannot change a person, but I feel compelled to stay because we have 2 children. I feel so empty inside, there's absolutely no intimacy in our relationship, and it makes me so sad. It's embarrassing that I'm in a sexless marriage, so of course, I don't discuss it with anyone. To everyone else, it appears that we have the 'perfect' marriage. I'm glad there is a place I can share my thoughts, and know I am not alone...

Now that I have finally decided that I can't stand the heartache any more, I joined this site to share in discussions. Meche14, I know exactly how you feel and I've just got to get my feelings out as well. I have been married for over 30 years in total to the same man. About 8 yrs. ago I found out that my husband had an affair with a co-worker. Unfortunately, just about everybody at his work knew it and I didn't find out until a very inopportune time, which was at a company holiday party. I was hurt, mortified, and my heart was crushed. I told him he had to cut it off immediately, and so he wrote a letter and told her it was over. He denied having anything to do with her or anyone else after that, but I had a very hard time believing that, because things between us were never the same. After about 4 yrs of trying to forgive him and work things out, I was just miserable and things weren't getting any better in the bedroom either. If I wanted sex, I had to initiate it, and then he would just lay there like a slug. He knew when he married me that I had a very high sex drive. This hurt me terribly, because I never, ever cheated on him and all he did was reject and ignore me and do everything he could to avoid being intimate (falling asleep immediately, waiting till I was asleep to come to bed, etc.). Finally, when I couldn't take it any more, I left and moved out of state for 3 years and was doing much better on my own. When the job market at my new location dried up, I moved back to the area where my ex lived and got my old job back. After a couple of months, he started calling me and wanting to come over. He seemed so sad and distraught and told me he missed me and promised things would be different and said he had not been with anyone while I was away, and that he would never cheat on me again. Many months later, we decided to get remarried, which was difficult, but I believed he was making an honest effort to mend things. Well, we've been back together for about 3-1/2 years now. The first year everything was great and then after that the sex life started rapidly declining. Now it was been over a year and I feel like I am going to go crazy with no intimacy. Every now and then I get a quick peck or a hug, but that's about it. He spends more time cuddling the dogs than me. At this point, I have spent so many sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep a lot of the time, and have even threatened to leave, but things haven't changed. I've done everything I can think of. He even went to the doctor for testosterone injections (he's 59) and he got Viagra, etc. He just does not even want to try any more and he won't tell me why. He simply does not want to talk about it, and he swears he's not cheating either. We are like roommates, and that's about it. He's kind to me in every other way. He helps out at home, buys me nice gifts and all, but what I really need is to be wanted and desired and loved, and it's just not there. I feel so hopeless and sometimes wish I had not come back to him. I don't know if I can get my courage up to leave again because we've been together so many years, but my patience is running out and I feel so unloved. I hope someone out there can give me some hope and advice.

I too m going thru the same phase, my wife wants me only to make her life secure, but when it comes to love romance sex, she say's it should be done only to have a kid and not for pleasure. she even hates to see me naked in front of her

Mouse, I believe you know deep down you are headed for disaster. Living a lie, sneaking around, always on guard. Retaliation is not the answer. Yes, it is a very difficult situation to be in, I know from experience. My wife held sex from both of us for several years because of childhood abuse. <br />
<br />
If you have kids, then your kids will pay for your ignorance. It may seem fun for now, but when this catches up with you, you will be in a bigger mess then before.<br />
<br />
Like i said, your motivation comes from retaliation. Nothing good will come out of this for the exception that hopefully you will have learned after it's all said and done.<br />
<br />
I now counsel people who are in your situation, and take it from me, you are in for some major pain unless you stop. <br />
<br />
Good luck, and I hope you make it.<br />
<br />

I disagree with your opinion.
I struggled and became mentally depressed by being treated like a sister by my husband.
I got therapy to help with my depression. But at the same time I also gained the knowledge you can not change others if they do not want to change. In my case, my husband is asexual by natural disposition. I can't force him to change. But at the same time I have needs and I am tired of asking and being rejected.
I decided to join a dating website and since I joined I feel so much happier. It isn't about retaliation. If it was, I would be flaunting my efforts to my husband.

All of you in a sexless marriage..dont you think you deserve better? Dont you want to be held,kissed,touched,wanted?????<br />
For over 5 years my h rejected i got myself a lover(or lovers.....)<br />
My home life is happier,im happier..........<br />
Life is for living..go out there and live

I am in agreement with you. I am living in a sexless marriage and I can not force my husband to have sex with me. That would be disgusting. Pity sex or obligatory sex given by him. So I have joined

Interesting to know I am not alone. have not had sex with my wife for about ten years. We sleep in different rooms. Do I still love her? Yes I think I do. Does she still love me? Yes in her own funny way. Do I miss the sex? Less as I get older. It is nice to have a friend even if it is a non sexual relationship.

I understand that as you get older you want sex less. I am not ravenous for sex. I could be happy to have sex once a month. But never having sex is a bit much. Additionally, I am beginning to feel like a sexless potato (or mother/sister figure) instead of a woman. Women need to be made to feel desired once in a while.

I went through a really difficult patch with my wife last year... her sex drive just went down to zero for no apparent reason, she's completely lost interest in me and I just don't know what to do! She says that she rarely reaches ******, does anyone know any good tips/sites/advice on this subject?

TPfiero-my husband is only 43 and we have had sex 2 times in 5 years.peck kiss on the lips is supposed to be his affection. I hate him. Im a beautiful sexy woman who is being destroyedestroyed with selfconsciousness because of my selfish husband. It came out in therapy that its not important to him. I wish i would have known before marrying him. He blames me. Says i ***** about it and nothing he does is ever good enough. I cant stand to look at him. I fe like he plays mibd games to try and make me think its my fault. Too much to say....God i pray for the right thing to do. Ny daughter is depending on me. Im pissed and sad and i need intimacy! Hes a horrid selfish workaholic.

ya its very irritating, it happens to me also , she is just a workaholic, she come from work with me cooks the food and by the time i do the dishes she gone to sleep. if i try to fondle her she will just shout at me with anger

I am so glad I came across the forum and I apologize for the length of my post. I am basically in the same type of marriage for 10 years but a little different. My husband is several years older than I am. He is a wonderful husband and I know he loves me dearly. I am one of those wifeswherere he does not expect me to do anything if I dont want to. If I ask him to jump in a fire, he proabably would. I can count on one hand how many times I have put gas in my car. He takes that good of care of me, BUT, he does have a couple faults that I struggle with. <br />
In the beginning things were ok. After a few years I realize he is controlling, or I allow him to control me. There was alot of sex but not good sex. He does not like to kiss, little on alot of foreplay. He likes to recieve but not return. He is not romantic in any way. I am 45 this year and I feel as though I am missing so much. I miss the passionate kissing, the holding and snuggling. I look at other couples and TV watching them kiss and think about how much I would love that.<br />
Now, it is 10 years later and we have gotten older so now it is to the point where he is not able to perform at all. I tease him about toys or movies and he is not into that either. So this leaves me feeling so lonely. Ive gotten to a place where I dont feel comfortable in talking about it anymore. I have grown so far away from him and I feel obligated to stay. I would feel guilty leaving just because he has gotten older and things have become worse, sexually. It wasnt that good in the beginning but now there is none. Yes, I knew he was older than me when we married so I should have anticipated this happening, but I didnt. It is nice to be able to tell someone about my situation . Thanks for reading

Hi, I do uderstand, as I stated earlier in a post, To live without sex is a loss, but to live without love is a tradgedy. My husband and I have to talk about it alot, I make him. I want to go to some counseling, but at times get scared what I might hear. That my husband doesn't love me anymore. My husband says he adores me and loves me with all his heart and I am the love of his life. He trys so ard to please me, but it just isn't enough and I feel like screaming. He is such a rock in our marriage and he has been my very very best friend, but I feel like intimacy is truly missing at this point.

tell your wives you want sex with someone else.<br />
if they love you genuinely and they are not able <br />
to help you they will support you.<br />
<br />
or divorce them! sorry sometimes one has to make<br />
a cdecision.

My H and I do not have sex, and I know he still loves me but I would not care if he went with another woman. How terrible is that? How can I feel this numb to the fact of him committing adultery?

Wow...It is so nice to know that I am not alone...but this really sucks...Is it wrong to fantisize about someone else...even if you do not know them...<br />
I feel like I am betraying him just with my thoughts...yet I am the one who still has a drive and at 32...It is crazy...

I think it's up to each individual whether they feel it's wrong to fantasize about someone else or not, everyone is so different.
I do feel it's wrong but I'm with someone else in my mind a few times a day... I have to have some sort of touch, even if it's imaginary ...which is so far from the real thing that it's just frustrating....but try to shut it all down and off....not going to happen, can't happen. So fantasize it is.

@stubear- that is what I don't get. If they don't want sex, why don't they let the person go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment?

thank you. where can i get a barrel of that? we may have to eat, bathe and drink it to see the effects.

Buy some pheromones on the internet:<br />
PheromoneFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to: navigation, search <br />
<br />
Fanning honeybee exposes Nasonov gland (white-at tip of abdomen) releasing pheromone to entice swarm into an empty hiveA pheromone (from Greek φέρω phero "to bear" + hormone from Greek ὁρμή - "impetus") is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual.[1] There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology. Their use among insects has been particularly well documented. In addition, some vertebrates and plants communicate by using pheromones.

Look up phermones on the internet.<br />
Read it.<br />
Buy them, usualy about $ 36.00 for 6 to 12 usages,<br />
Don't tell you are using it.

I agree Joes3947. It is very comforting to know we're not alone. I never realised before what a huge impact something like this can have on a relationship. This is the first time I've ever had a partner who's not into sex!

I am in the same boat, but my wife won't let me have sex with others. I am very frustrated and have resorted to sex with myself. I enjoy ************, but want sex with someone to be close again.

Thanks for your comments. I thought that i was the only one suffering like this. It does feel like a prison. My wife and I have not had sex for a very long time. This is not normal..

lostgirl26<br />
<br />
find yourself another man before its too late. this guy... do you really think its something you can live with? you are young... don't let this guy destroy you

If you want to have a better sexual relationship with your woman you have to realize that there is more than simply the physical act of intercourse. There is a huge mental component involved, especially for women. If you entice her mind and help her to share with your what she really desires a healthy sex life will surely follow. Just start talking about sex, about yourself, ask about fantacys she may have. Let her know that she is safe and accepted and that she can share anything with you without worry that she is being judged (which is the biggest barrier to getting her to open up). Once trust is built you will be surprised what will become possible.

Doesnt work

A question for you all: Is it possible to be in love (emotionally) without having the physical, as well? I am at that point in my marriage. I just don't feel close to my h; we are not close physically which has choked our emotional ties. Don't you think emotional and physical bonds play together to make a great marriage?

lostgirl 26....don't let him destroy you. If he's not interested in you (for sex or preserving your sense of self) it's time to buck up and think about self-preservation. Don't let him tell you that sex isn't important. IT IS....and not just the sex, but the love and intimacy and passion that leads up to it is VERY NECESSARY.

Lostgirl 26, your man does not sound worth it at all.<br />
<br />
gabe69, I can totally relate.

Lostgirl 26 - I'm so sorry. It sounds like your man is so ashamed that he can't sleep with you that he's resorted to hurting you and projecting onto you. It's not fair, and if he won't go to couple's therapy with you, then I think you should seriously consider why you're in this marriage.