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Tired of Being Rejected

I've been married for 2 years, we have had sex maybe half a dozen times since the wedding, only once in the past 12 months.  Before we were married we had a very good sexual relationship, but once we moved in together it slowed down to basically nothing.  When we have it, it's not that great, he rushes through it so he can go to sleep.  My husband has gained about 50 pounds since we met, so I don't know if it's a lack of testosterone or self esteem, he says there's nothing wrong, he just doesn't feel like having sex.  I'm tired of asking and being rejected, but I miss it.  I find myself fantasizing about cheating on him, I never thought I would do such a thing but I can't keep living like this.  We're still affectionate, we kiss and cuddle and hold hands, but no sex, and it's driving me crazy!  We've talked about it but the situation hasn't improved.  I don't know what to do anymore.
somegirl somegirl 26-30, F 136 Responses Feb 2, 2007

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I am going through something similar with my wife. We have had sex only 3 times this year. I keep trying but keep getting rejected, I have talked with her about it a few times but nothing has changed. Maybe if you talk with him about it he will be open to solving the problem. Good luck, and try and be positive.

Talking doesn't work and then 10 years has got behind you.
You can not get the lost years back.

Mine did not start until year ten! He gained weight, and is always tired. So instead of cheat, cause believe me I wanted to, I "talked" him into get a bike. He lost 10 pounds, and his energy is going up. Maybe if you can find an activity you can both do together, it will motivate him and get his energy level back up. when the gut is gone,the d-@# seems to come back to life. Good Luck!

going through the same thing! :(

I feel your pain. I'm engaged to my beautiful fiancé to be I have been with this girl for 8 years. This yeah its already October and we have had sex twice. I'm sick of being constantly rejected its so demoralizing. We are both under 30 it shouldn't be this way. I try talking to her about it but nothing ever changes.
There is always an excuse. There will come a time when I stop trying when all the rejection is all too much. Very sad :(

28 and sexless sigh

The weight might be the case but you have to keep something else in the back of your mind. He is a man. A man is going to have sex. If you are not the one he is having sex with, there is someone else. Take it from me. I was in the same predicament and I went into his phone and saw conversations between him and other men who were satisfying what he said he was ok without

I have to agree he's a man, and I'm a man. If he's not always hitting u up for sex he's getting bit somewhere. Hell I'd screw a hole in a rotten stump just because I can so when a guy isn't interested in sex with his significant other I'm suspicious. As for what women want and feel there are probably better people to comment.

Is he mad about spending or cost of living?

My friends husband was angry and how he expressed his anger was with holding sex.

Not sure what his side of the story is, there's something on in his mind for sure. Maybe guilt, or maybe he doesn't feel like he's good enough for you. it's very likely that the weight gain could very well be the problem. or it could be all of the above. I wouldn't personally cheat on my wife, if i had one, but I totally understand where you're coming from. Just like in any other relationship outside of marriage, bring it up again, be more firm, let him know that this is NOT cool.
Tell him you CANNOT live like that, make it clear that you have needs, and that the sex is near the top of that list.

If that fails I suggest counceling.

Best of luck to you!

... and to think that I used to think that this sort of thing only happened to us guys :/

Ya isn't that the truth. I also always thought the guy was the one missing out.

I feel the same , we have sex and is good but apart from sex there is nothing . My husband will not show any affection towards me . He will never hold my hand in public , he will only cuddle when he wants to and he will only kiss me when it suits him ;( .
I only want affection and feel loved , something that it only happens for about 2 days after we had an argument and told him how I feel then he goes back to his old tricks .
I don't want to leave him ,we have 2 children and I love him but his behaviour makes me hate him if it makes sens ....

August 2013 posters: do you realise this post is over six years old??

Yeah... I wonder what has happened to somegirl since Feb 2007...

Oh my goodness... no I didnt... wonder how it turned out?!

OMG Are you crazy? Your willing to throw away 2 years of memories because of sex? I promise you that it will get better. As long as he doesn't judge you about it. There is many toys out there that can satisfy your needs. Don't cheat on your husband. I promise you, if he finds and gets hurt, you will regret it.

Oh by the way I love sex. My husband chose to separate and you know what? I\'m ok but I\'m not looking for affection anywhere other than just trying to kill time.

I have been going through this for 4 years, and it won't get better. Not if he isn't willing to at least acknowledge he has a problem and do something to fix it. Please don't waste your life being unhappy in this marriage.

Omg... Some girl you just described my life honestly.... My post is 8 mths married.. I know wat your going through an its pure shxt!! I keep thinking about affairs and hooking up with other men I'm so alone too... It's the lack of interest in the sex when eventually it does happen no foreplay no desire no connection nothing and the worst thing is he's quite happy dosn think anything is wrong ... I think we are deserving of at least a fondle or two and if you find someone willing to let you feel like a beautiful wanted woman again I say go for it .. You've talked about it nothing's changing only so much you can do Hun , wen I get the opportunity I'm goin for it xxxx

I\'m going through the same thing, only it\'s reversed roles, I\'m a guy and my fiance hasn\'t desired me in 8 months. And i was fat, and lost 48 pounds... and still nothing. I don\'t feel like a man anymore with the fact that my fiance doesn\'t want me. I\'m sorry \"some Girl\" and LilKim1977, i feel for you

What the heck is wrong with some of these guys? To me, there is no greater turn on than when a woman is wet and wants it.

your too young and its too early in your marriage to be having this problem, you should let him know he will lose you if he doesn't shape up....

I m having the same prob as u, till I give up. I focus on other things instead! I really love sex if possible twice/wk or as often as possible.

Wow all of this advice is so helpful. My husband and I, after a foreclosure, had no choice but to live with my parents and the sex all but stopped. Actually, the day after we got married, about 7 months before we were foreclosed on our apartment it started to really slow down. Prior to marriage we dated for 4 years, great relationship, sex, intimacy and everything. Prior to dating we were friends. Over all It seemed like the right progression of things. Anyways, now, after about 1 1/2 of marriage I find that I am sick of initiating sex. If I don't initiate it, then we don't have it. Or we get in an argument about not having sex because I choose to tell him I am tired of being rejected, then he makes it seem like 'sex' is all I care about. It is a cyclic argument all the time. Now, I don't even argue about it anymore. I have stopped pursing him completely too. He is still very affectionate and "plays" with me but when it comes to sex he says he will but never follows through unless I start crying about it. It hurts so much. He tells me he is too tired and other excuses, and no he is not cheating. I may end up separating from him. I will talk to him again about our feelings and see where the relationship ends up. Hopefully together.

the stresses of life put a huge strain on a relationship and sex. ive been through and are still eexperiencing a similiar situation only been married for 19 years and have 2 children. my husband has never had a huge sex drive but now it's almost a control issue. he knows I need more from him in the affection and sex area to feel more connected, in turn improving the relationship, but when he doesn't follow thru I disconnect as a self protection thing. it's a bad cycle and is at the critical point of can it ever change, do I leave, or accept it will always be sexless. not sure I helped any but understand your struggles.

I'm in the same affectionate, sexless marriage and I've only been married for 6 weeks! But we've been together for 7 years and this is how it's been for a couple of years. I wonder if a married him because it's comfortable or because I had the notion that perhaps love really is all you need.

I'm living in the same kind of situation! We are also very affectionate....he's always saying such sweet romantic things and even makes comments that he wants to have sex but then it doesn't happen. I have also been rejected time and time again as we'll. I don't have any answers because I'm looking for some myself, but just know you're not the only one in a situation like this. I also fantasize about fact, there is a man I've gotten very close to that respects me and my marriage....he won't cheat with me but he wants me to leave so we can be together.....I am considering it. It hurts though because I love my husband....but it's like we are just great friends and not lovers. It's so hard to know what to do. I feel for you!

I understand your situation equally. I am also in the same situation but my wife has been rejecting me over and over again. Its very tough and you don't want to leave because of certain feelings. I do feel that we are better friends, not lovers. So what have you done?

You are too young to get stuck in such a situation.Eventually you will look to satisfy your desires elsewhere or become really resentful.

Sorry to be the pessimist here, but I fear, it might not get better. I have been married for 19 years with the same situation. At least you hold hands and kiss. I feel like I am treated like a little sister or a roommate. And he has a tendency to have emotional relationships with others. Not sure about other relationships, but my gut tells me he has. I have a life to live and you are too young to live that way. Move on. do we end up with these people is a mystery to me..As a guy -I'm here to tell you is a subtle form of control and abuse-no sex and begging.....i do not know what to do either....tell 2 kids no sex -I'm leaving..i compare it to a prison...

Agreed drum! I am so leaving as well! I cannot deal with the prison anymore..they can do what they want while we try to fix a problem we don't even know how to fix. It isn't's their problem. I have tried and tried and only end up in confusion and pain. It is not worth it anymore. We are human and need intimacy in our lives. It is just plain human nature. Being rejected all the time is not healthy allthe while they want to say...I love you...I don't want anyone else...I'm tired...blah, blah, blah.!!

Wow! You are the fourth woman 26 to 30 that has posted here tonight. I'll tell you the same as them. It very likely won't get better. You are very young and need to move on now because life can be way to long when you spend it lonely.

Read the stories here about just how lonely an and miserable people are when there significant other refuses them the love that they deserve. Please! Be sure and read our stories. Then run like crazy and start over with some one who will love you.

You are the same age as my child and I certainly would not want to see him live with the kind of pain that you will be living with for a very long time unless you act now to change it. Your spouse will take no action. It is all up to you.

Good advice riley:)

Wow! I know it's a common thing for a woman to lose her sex drive, but I've never heard of a man who doesn't want to have sex. My sympathies. I guess it can work both ways. At least you have some intimacy.

My husband appears to have lost his or at least acts like it, but I do not think so....I think he just thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I am about ready to let him see if the grass is greener. We have been married for 19 years, 2 kids and grandchildren. I am only 43..I refuse to live my life without intimacy for the next half of my years.

I sometimes wish I could lose mine. I would be able to deal with it then.

Wow. So many of these posts describe my situation. I have been married for 22 years to a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman who is a fantastic mother to our three children and really is a wonderful wife... in every way but one. I am so tired of asking for intimacy and being rejected. I have reached the point where I don't even really enjoy the occasional sex anymore. I always feel like I am imposing on her. She occasionally submits to my advances but she never does anything to initiate. As a matter of fact, she doesn't even participate in sex beyond a little kissing and then just lying there to let me do my thing.

I love her desperately, I will not cheat, and I won't leave but this has been so frustrating! I just wish it could be better...

I thought for a few seconds how lucky you are to at least have the opportunity to have sex occasionally, but, yeah, it's not much of an experience if she's just a dead fish.

It is not fair to those of us who want our marriages/relationships to work. It can't be one-sided. What I mean by that is that it cant be one person trying and "begging" for affection while the other does whatever. The occasional 2 minute occurrence does not make up for months of rejection.(At least that is my opinion)

Hi AUDI5K, I hope this doesn't sound too bad,but....if you have to cheat to get what you feel you are lacking in your relationship...then maybe ..... although you "love her desperately", and "will not cheat"( although from your post you say you have to cheat)....then maybe you need to go ahead and get out of it.

Mine is the same, and I used to describe her similar to how you did (as wonderful). But now I think she is not wonderful, but twisted and cruel. I suffer because she wants it to be this way. That is despicable of her, I realize now. So so so down over this. It is horrible, a horrible cloud darkening my life that is there because she wants it there. Sick.

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Exact same experience here: sick and tired of asking and being rejected.
I see you posted this ad a few years back, how are you doing now?

That sucks my gf is a little over weight and I wondered if that was part of the problem but I suspect she is just one of those people who only wants what she can't have and I have gave myself to her completely so I'm sol

I am a personal trainer, and have put my husband of one year through a diet /workouts program.
Wish that I could say that it worked. :(
Still no sex.

Wow im going through something similar. we have been married for a yr and a half and moved in after the wedding. did you tell him you are on this site? I told mine and he vowed to improve our sex life starting this week. Im not super optimistic but will give it a chance. If not I told him I cnt do this anymore and told him he has a month or Im gone.

How have things worked out?

I am in my first marriage 39, my wife never wants to have sex. She doesn't cuddle or anything, but she wants me to do all kinds of stuff for her. She expects me to be hopelessly in love with her, lusting afer her, but never actually getting anything in return. It is a cruel thing ot do to another human being.

When we were in the process of getting married, I told her that my greatest fear was lack of intimacy. I said that I had seen so many older couples that seemed like they never had time or desire for each other. She promised me that, that would never happen. Of course, that was obviously a lie. I've had sex 1 time in the last year with my wife. How can women be so cruel.

Men can be just as cruel. It makes me feel horrible and ugly. I smile everyday but feel like a total pig at home. I just decided to sleep in couch

I also told my wife I hoped we would never end up like my parents--sexless for 40 years of their 55 year marriage. She also said that would never happen to us, but it's been 18 years now. I don't see it reversing. But I don't think she lied to me. Just think things changed. Lack of hormones, I guess. But yeah, I hear ya. Wants this, that and the other thing done. Sometimes get a thank you, but never a hug or a kiss. I used to do that for her, but after awhile it seemed kind of pointless when it was never returned.

That sucks.

What a *****.

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