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Tired of Being Rejected

I've been married for 2 years, we have had sex maybe half a dozen times since the wedding, only once in the past 12 months.  Before we were married we had a very good sexual relationship, but once we moved in together it slowed down to basically nothing.  When we have it, it's not that great, he rushes through it so he can go to sleep.  My husband has gained about 50 pounds since we met, so I don't know if it's a lack of testosterone or self esteem, he says there's nothing wrong, he just doesn't feel like having sex.  I'm tired of asking and being rejected, but I miss it.  I find myself fantasizing about cheating on him, I never thought I would do such a thing but I can't keep living like this.  We're still affectionate, we kiss and cuddle and hold hands, but no sex, and it's driving me crazy!  We've talked about it but the situation hasn't improved.  I don't know what to do anymore.
somegirl somegirl 26-30, F 136 Responses Feb 2, 2007

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I have had the same type of thoughts, but I know that if I cheated he would leave me. Plus I dont want to cheat, I want him and only him.

I feel you I'm in same boat sucks

I am surprised by these stories. I am 45 years old and my libido has not dropped one iota. However, I exercise for an hour every day.
My suggestion to you is to go on walks with him for a few weeks every night. Once he drops a little weight start doing a walk/jog combination. Also, like someone else said try to get him to lift weights. I can always give you my program if you don't know what exercises to do, just ask. Exercise will improve both testosterone and self esteem.

The good part is you're still talking. The tough part is rejection & loneliness are so painful. I understand what you're going through. I've been married 31 years, and it's still hurts.

This sounds exactly like what I am going through, I also have been married only 2 years. What the hell is going on???

Me too! Married 2 years, 2nd marriage also. We haven't had sex for almost a year!

Well damn is it an epidemic?? Damn!!!

make him start lifting weights, then after the tenth or so session, when he takes his pants off go suck him a little then lay him back for some good sex--you stay on top and put your legs on his shouldres, have him massage your **** while you're doing it and you will love the outcome-----if that doesn't work, call me. I will help you


The first thing is to remind yourself of your abilities. Then make a plan. Then do the plan.<br />
<br />
My plan started out small. Now it is big. But everyone has a different plan.

2 years and he is already dont need to need to get out...cheating destroys the person that gets cheated on...damage that sometimes cant be repaired... i wonder how adventerous your sex life is...if it has turned vanilla...fix it...otherwise get out...dont make the msitake of an affair...

very good respond,high five

Hi I didn't quite understand what you mean with "get out"? And how could I repair our vanilla sex live if he won't even respond to other things? I've tried lingere, oral, anal, handcuffs... but still has not helped at all, the outcome is I feel used for all the many months to come until he finally wants some more again

I can relate. My husband loves to cuddle without sex. I would have shown him the front door but it's my second marriage and I put up with it. Anyway I am older than you are. It's not going to get better believe me. You will end up being one frustrated woman. Take him to a counselor or a doctor. Best of luck .

it is funny...not haha funny ...but funny that there are so many of us married folk that feel trapped in a marriage b/c we chose wife wont cuddle with me b/c my hands will soon start to roam...or she feels my erection in her back...and we have been married for 38 yrs...of course now it doesnt stay hard for long....our sex life was wonderful at one point...we shared ************...oral to completion...then one day....nothing...she wont talk to me about it...all she has to say is that i am oversexed...she still has ******* i dont understand...i have thought about cheating,,,but i really would like to have a friend...cheating is so destructive....

Find you a nice discreet lover and seek satisfaction and go on with your life? At least you might be sexually happy!

I can totally relate. Beginning of the relationship was full of sex. After moving in together it slowed right down but we kept the affection. After years of marriage I was thinking there was something wrong with me, I wasn't attractive enough or whatever. t took it serious, he didn't. I cheated after 9 years of being together then all of a sudden he is interested. After you are denied so many times it's too late i wasn't interested in him like that anymore. We are now working on a separation & eventual divorce. It doesn't matter what the "issues" are - people blame it on financial, or work, or too busy with kids, if you want to work on it and he doesn't take it seriously and put it and you first then there are other people out there that will.

I agree.... after being denied so many times, it becomes "to late"..... that is a sad fact.

I am at that point, but I love him so much. I know that he doesn't love me the same.

I wonder if he is under some sort of stress. Weight gain, lack of interest in sex go side by side with depressive state of mind. Is there something that is going on at work? Financial issues can drive people crazy, especially men.

well i am in the same situation but i will have been together 14 yrs and married 9 yrs and it does not get better, my husband had gained weight, and drank, just recently he stopped drinking 111 days now and people use to say well maybe he can't perform cause of the drinking, well that was not true cause he lost weight and stop drinking and still no sex. you are early in your marriage but i can say that if after u sit down have a long talk with him about your issues and if things don't change u might consider getting out of the marriage, i my self still don't know what i am gonna do cause the more years you are together the more you have to lose and it so makes it harder. hope things will be easier for you. i wish you luck

Trade him in!

Communicate as much as you possible. Be truthful. Even consider a deadline. I know women and men who work at their relationships for years but there is no deadline. I have a close friend who asked her husband for over two years to go to counseling to talk about their sexual issues. He put it off and put off. Finally, she gave hime a date and a place to be. She said if he wasn't willing to show up and participate she believed it was time to divorce. <br />
<br />
He didn't show up.<br />
<br />
They divorced.<br />
<br />
Both remarried to people much more suited to them.

Life is so short. Speak to him about the issue, and losing some weight. Be honest and kind. You have one life, make everyday count. Sometimes we just aren't compatible, and sometimes once the guy has the girl, or vice versa, romance and respect stop. I lived like you did for a long time, with a cheater. I was so happy when I got divorced, even being alone. It takes balls to get divorced, but taking charge of your life takes balls. How many of us just exist? Letting lifes river take us where it wants to, rather than grabbing a hold of ourselves sometimes and pushing into our own desired direction. Take charge, and don't let another day waste away. Regret sucks, and yet so many of us comply to it.

After only two years? I would run away from this marriage as fast as possible. What do you think this marriage will be like in ten years? Leave and do it soon. It does not look like this marriage is going to work.

This sounds exactly like my marriage at the two year mark . Have some tests run make sure it's physical. If alls well? Tell him put out or get out. It just gets worse. The cuddling will go before long. You need a man not a buddy.

I know how you are feeling... unless he is able to work through what he is dealing with or whatever it is in his life that has caused him to loose interest nothing will change.. The worst thing I have dealt with throughout all this is putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and getting turned down, eventually you just give up and either cheat or become depressed...

I cuddle and try to kiss, but only get cold shoulder. Sex occur once or twice a month. An act performed to be some duty on her part. Many times I approached her and was rejected. Mention alternate positions or scenes and it get shot down. Boredom!! No intimacy, no deep kissing for decades. Just the same routine : wait for bedtime, wait for invite (SHE has to do the invitation) , this, that and then I finish my 'business'. <br />
So last week I got fedup. No showing of love from me , no crawling and begging. Just peck on cheek, aloof cool and absent. When invited next night I REFUSED, telling she only does it as a duty!<br />
Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned !! . . . . She did not take it lightly and seemed very hurt. But after reading some stories here I think things are really not that bad. I take some tips from you here, maybe I can rekindle the fire.

Cheating is wrong yes. There is another way , so radical society dont want to accept it. This is the reason for so many heartache, pain , suffering and crime. The concept of monogamy. Are we really built to have only one partner for life? I think not! After so many failed monogamous marriages , isnt it time humankind reconsider? Is polygamy such a sin? Does christianity really have all the answers? And in particular reformists and catholic societies. So. Cheating on your wife is having an affair without telling her about it. Wont it be better if you approach your sexless wife (whom you still may love) with the following proposal : "lets be realistic. Neither of us want a divorce, your sexual appetite is waning but mine is still strong. I dont want to cheat on you by having an affair. How about WE get ourselver another wife? A friend for you and a wife for me. ?"<br />
Radical !? Yes , but be aware that millions are already practising polygamy. All muslims and most african cultures. Here is the proof : in those societies *********** , rape and perversions are much less.

And how would you sugest I propose to my husband? "How about WE get ourselves another husband? A friend for you and a hubby for me. ?

Not so far fetched ! There are indeed isolated cultures where polyamory is accepted. And is prostitusion not the same as one wife many husband? So, if you hint at it, maybe your husband agree!

Get ot now girl you are way too young not to be sexually happy in your relationship

Same hee. Except he prefers videos and his hand. E are seperated but not divorced

Wow it sounds like you and I are married to the same man... My heart goes out to you because I feel the same kind of desperate lost and lonely feelings that you do *hugs* <br />
<br />
I am at my wits end too. I see this was posted a while ago, have there been any changes? For you I hope so my marriage has been like this for 5 years and it hurts in ways I don't have words for.

I haven't read the million comments before me, but I will tell you from my experience so far you have these options:<br />
1. don't cheat. I did that after a few years of massive confusion and rejection. It will only leave you temporarily justified/satisfied and then your left with the bull that follows it. <br />
2. Counseling. It's expensive, and ultimately you will probably end up where you started.<br />
3. If you are determined to stay with him. Then buy a sybian. It is an exceptional wise investment. Even if you dont stay with him...make the investment, trust me your worth it.

I know this is different, but I'm dating a girl (I'm bi sexual) and we have hopes of getting married one day soon, but she is completely celibate. I left my boyfriend/fiancé to be with her because she's amazing and I love her, but I feel completely alone, tired, and unwanted because she never wants to have sex. I get a peck on the lips when we say goodbye, but that's it. I'm not even close to being a virgin, but I've never had sex with a girl before, so technically I'm not "missing" anything. I miss the closeness that comes with knowing someone mind, body, and soul. I don't want to cheat on her, but I find myself thinking about it all the time now. I just want to feel loved and desired again and my trust in men is completely down the drain now. I guess I'm starting to understand how it feels to be in a sexless marriage. I'm praying for you and everyone else that they get that intimacy again.

It could be a physical problem or a mental problem.<br />
If he won't seek help, make it clear that you cannot live like this and you will leave him. If that doesn't work, then leave his sorry ***.<br />
You may have to leave to wake him up.

Well I'm in the same boat, and just about ready to jump ship. He only wants me when I'm leaving or someone else is sniffing about.<br />
Says it's been so long he's ashamed.<br />
Same length of time for me.<br />
Can't do this any more it's soul destroying.<br />
Think I'd run off with the first man to say a kind word to me.<br />
Not as if he's good and kind to me.

I know how you are feeling. It's been 2 years for me... No sex. No intamacy. Inmay get a fake kiss once in a while

You know I used to think that cheating is always wrong but after reading all of these sexless mariiage stories I've changed my mind. But if you are in a sexless marriage and you have tried all comunication and still no change do whatever you like. Life is too short.

You're right. Life is too short. So, dump the sexless marriage, run from it, get a divorce, THEN find someone to share your life with. If you cheat, the sympathies will be with your refusing spouse. Plus, it puts in an unnecessary delay for someone who started out as an affair but is "the one" for you - and you for them.

Leave.If you read my post will explain more.My partner ended it with me in January again as he couldn't bear hurting me.Now he wants me back.I have told him I am not going to be in a relationship with someone that has no intimacy, or sex or making time for one another.Plus we had no social life- he likes to stare at tv all night.If he can change yes I will go back but if not then no.