The Moon Has Set

The moon has set

And so have the Pleides

And I to my bed. Alone.

Thus spoke Sappho, the greatest poet ever.

I was promised sex tonight. She said, she would go to bed and afterI had bathed, to get rid of the day's dirt, wewould make love.

I bathed and went to the bedroom. Lights were out and the door shut. She was asleep. I'm here,, a fool again, angry and horny.

I fel like storming in and dragging her from the bed by her ankle. Let her sleep on the couch instead of me.

I hate this, I am beginning to hate her too

Barganax

Barganax Barganax
51-55, M
11 Responses Aug 30, 2007

Well said. A sad story that is all too familiar but, well said.

Take a shower earlier in the evening where you are prepared. Problem solved. I know that I am a hot guy, and tons of people want to have sex with me, everyone that is except my partner.

You do these things for her, you make sacrifices, you give gifts, you try to work on you, all without success. Boy does this sound familiar. I don't know about you, but in my case I've recently come to the realization that I've trained my wife to ignore me. I give her the treat BEFORE the behavior, never to see the behavior materialize. I have in essence trained her to treat me with disrespect. Now what? I don't know that you can pull back and fix that, but maybe you can. I know for years I was afraid that if I were assertive and manly, that she'd leave me, so I rolled-over like a cheap tent every time something came up or every time she dumped some unwanted crap on my to handle. Well, I taught her. I did it all, took it all, and she never had to pay the bill, so to speak. <br />
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Well, I was right. She did leave me. Not physically, just sexually. Now I wish she would leave me physically. I can give her some of the blame, but I have to look at myself for letting go on so long. Why would she respect me if I don't respect myself?

er.............<br />
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm<br />
well...............<br />
I will certainly think deeply about the advice, shamu. And thank you for some most unusual mental images there!

So you felt worthless, ugly..blah, blah,blah....just like everyone else. In other words you are normal. Now you realize you are worth a damn after all and the problem(s) are not all with you. Sounds like the usual cycle of emotions to me. The sooner you get through the anger and bitterness the better. Focus on what you really want.<br />
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Here is what I hear in the locker room and pardon the ex<x>pression. As soon as you get some stink on your hang low, you will be a new man. You start poking a woman who is into bumping bottoms and you watch how fast Johnson shows up for work. You'll think you are 16 again.<br />
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Clubbing a woman and dragging her back to the cave was not even in vogue when cavemen did it. If your wife does not respect your feelings/desires after some heart-to-heart talks, maybe she will not care if you go get some action on the side. Of course she will be against it in order to keep you "P" whipped. But does she really care if you are discreetly getting your needs met on the side? Your other alternatives include remain faithful and sexless or drop the divorce bomb.<br />
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Time is the most precious thing any of us have. Someone once told me to start being the person I want to be rather than settling for who I am. You've got some thinking to do.

What has changed?<br />
Me, I think. For years I suffered from depression and chronic low self esteem. I allowed myself to believe that this burden was my lot. I was natural that my wife would not have sex with me, who would? I was worthless, ugly and beyond the ability to inspire desire.<br />
I have moved on and I now feel stronger about myself and able to ask more of my life and feel Ido not deserve to be so rejected.<br />
I am also feeling that time is fleeting. I am 52, I no longer get erections at the change of the wind. I feel if I am to have a great sex life, time is not on my side.

So now answer the tough questions. I'm not looking for answers, rather tossing out things for you to consider.<br />
Is the woman you married the same woman today? If not, what changed? If she is, what did you not observe in the past? What has changed about you since you have been married? Why haven't you left her? Are you bothered more by the perception of failure in marriage? If someone you cared about were in your situation, how would you advise him/her? What will it take for your marriage to work and be a success? Are both of you willing to take those steps?<br />
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Again, from reading your postings, it sounds like you have been in this situation for quite a while. Your wife promises sex last night to shut you up and then is not there for you. You should have expected at least a 50/50 chance of no nooky. And then you act all disappointed when find her asleep. You think her groove is suddenly going to reappear? Congratulations. You have just had a moment that allows you to step back and carefully evaluate your situation based on the reality of events as they have unfolded over the years. <br />
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You said you came here seeking strategies, ideas, or new ways to move forward. There are no magic solutions. I have read many postings on this site from folks much smarter than me. Everyone tosses in their two cents, but each situation is unique and not all problems have answers. Sometimes you have to take a step back in order to take two steps forward. That anger and hostility, what has that accomplished for you?<br />
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Your situation is what it is. The question is what are you going to do about it?

I thought a lot about this last night, after thinking about what I wrote. You know the song "Raggle Taggle Gypsy oh?" It is a song about a lady who leaves her knight to go sleep under the sky with her gypsy lover. He finds her and laments, asking why as he lists a whole stream of things he has done for her. She replies "what care I".."<br />
My reply to you was a list of things! <br />
It's like I do these things, to show I love her, but am I doing them to hide the fact there is no love?

Barganax, I'm on your side on this. Like all advice on this site , you get what you pay for. There is no scoreboard in a marriage. You could be the perfect husband, but if she has no feelings for sex, you are SOL.<br />
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Take this with a grain of salt realizing there is some tongue in cheek. You give a dog a treat after they have performed a command, not before. The treat is a reward. Toss some crapola back at her. Get her involved with solving problems rather than dumping on you. There is the story about the guy who keeps sticking his finger in the electric socket and getting shocked. When asked why he does it, his response was "Because it feels good when I stop." Quit sticking your finger in the socket and you will not get shocked.<br />
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With respect to the oral, and not to be to graphic, make sure everything is whistle clean down there and the hair is properly groomed. Doesn't mean that will change anything, but it may improve your chances.

I am trying hard to do something about it. I came to this site hoping to discover strategies, ideas and ways of moving forwards.<br />
I accept I am eaten up with anger and my behaviour needs watching. I have worked so hard over the past few years to stop that.<br />
Every single thing she says is a problem, I address. I have improved my dress sense, my carriage. I have bought her gifts, flowers and romantic breaks. I have divorced physical touching from sexual overtones. I hold hands, kiss.<br />
I am a hopelss romantic, I adore here, I tell her this, I show her this.<br />
I know I am not in the years and years without sex part of the desert, but when we make love I work so hard at making it a fabulous pleasure for her. I hide my desires for oral as she hates that.<br />
I'm not setting myself up for disappointment, I did not make the promise, I did not offer and then pull the rug out from under. <br />
I'm so tired of being the the one who puts in the work, does the changing, accepting the loss of my sexual wishes and seeing nothing in return.<br />
But thank you, Shamu, you were very observant and have given me things to ponder on

Many of us out here in the desert understand. My only observation based on your prior stories and comments is why are you so disappointed? When was the last time your really made love with your wife? It is almost as if you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Your situation is what it is. Like it or not you have to find a way to either deal with it or do something to change it. While hate and anger are normal emotions, they will eat you up inside and throw you off track from thinking about and taking a course of action that is truly in your best interest.