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Fell In Love With My Mistress, Can't Fall Out of Love With Her

i fell in love with my lover, even though we are both married. i was the one that broke it off finally, after we did incalcuable damage to our marriages. but now many months later, i'm so heart broken i don't quite know what to do with myself.  i think of her all the time.  i'm wondering if i broke it off with my soulmate.  i can barely breathe sometimes.  she must think i've just gone back to my marriage and i'm working it out, but i am so stuck.  my wife deserves better.  i feel terrible for her, because i'm in no place to work it out, and be cheery and start re-healing all the pain i caused.  i love my wife, its just my lover changed everything.  i am afraid all this grief is going to do me in.  my health is starting to deteriorate and im only 40. 

i must be making this other woman into something larger than life, but i just feel her touch and her laughter and her smile and her love every day, i feel like i'm going crazy.  somebody please help me, get my life back on the tracks. has anyone gone through this? i haven't felt heartbreak like this ever, even in my youth.  i just don't know if its ever going to ever go away..right now. i can't see the light, and its spring.  this is so pathetic.  i'm sure my wife is thinking about leaving me very seriously now.

taddane taddane 41-45 168 Responses Apr 25, 2009

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I fell in love with a married woman 15 months ago and it's just ended. It ended when both our families went away on holiday together and she heard me having sex with my partner upstairs. It was, on reflection, idiotic going away on holidays with your partner, your mistress AND her husband (yes I know what you're all thinking). Though I'm obviously devastated that it's ended - because I am very much in love with her and she with me, my main concern is that I've hurt her so much and I need some advice on what to do. I'm not making excuses about what happened, but it was a tricky situation. We're both having trouble in our relationships and one of my problems was a lack of interest in making love from my partner. She had the same problem and it was one of the things that drew us together. So anyway what happened, happened because my partner and i had had a few drinks and she basically showed interest for the first time in months. I know terrible timing. I felt caught, not wanting to reject her - because after all this was exactly what I had been asking for - but knowing my lover was downstairs. I tried to keep it quiet but alcohol and a slightly 'bouncy' partner made that impossible obviously because she heard. She was even prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt about it for five days but eventually asked me straight out and, shamed faced, I told her what happened. So, as i say, its over, I'm devastated, I think she's devastated too but i want to know how to support her. Am I doing the right thing by trying to support her, to apologize and to try and make it up to her, even if that just means getting to a place where we can be friends, or should I just leave her alone? Problem is, our daughters are friends, so I will keep seeing her and, in fact in the last few weeks she's initiated more contact than me. I want to see her of course, even though it's hard and very different all of a sudden, but am I being cruel and would I be better just cutting ties for all but situations we can't avoid? In some respects I want to keep some level of c with her as we've both talked about the possibility of being together in the future, even since the break up. any perspectives greatly appreciated.

How did this turn out? I can totally relate to something similar going on with me now.

if he is love you, he is not cheating on you, leave him, find new husband, life goes on, you move on girl

I'm thankful to have found this post. I'm the other woman of 3.5 years and we have a 17 month old beautiful daughter. I lost my job when I was pregnant but wanted to stay home with the baby for the first year. I'm still a stay at home mom in the beautiful home we share. He is an excellent provider and he doesn't want me to work. He is present for all of our daughter's special events and stays with her any time I have important appointments or errands but his business doesn't allow him much family time in either home and he goes home to her at night. I'm so sick of the loneliness and heart ache without him with us. We are planning on opening a business together soon but I feel that I should get a job and find my own way....he prefers one of us is there to have quality time with our daughter and doesn't trust day cares. What do I do?? He's been married almost six years. I know he loves her too...but he only tells me how hard it will be to rebuild everything he's worked so hard for, not that he loves her. I never want to love another man except him. It's killing me inside.

Add on... they are in a sexless marriage and have no children. I have threatened to leave him 3x since December and he pulls tighter every time. I am stuck at the cross roads...he knows exactly how I feel. Reading these posts have helped me decide to try to leave again but this time I'm not going to threaten him. I realize if I am truly serious I will take the steps to be financially independent and move on...I am just not sure how to get the strength to take the first step. I don't want to raise my daughter alone, I know there is a good man out there who would be happy to complete our family. Still, the idea of loving anyone else devastates me completely.

I realize this is old, but I ran across it.

I have been married for almost 4 years & the 1st 2 were great. I married a very loving, attentive, over-the-top, grand gesture, romantic man. Precious really. After the 2 year mark, he changed a lot. He was very mean to me, and said he wanted a divorce but then never left. 3 months ago I found proof that he had been having an affair, & I left him. I was devastated because I had been exhausting myself trying to fix whatever it was about me that made him so unhappy while being oblivious to the REAL reason. He had already stopped the affair before I had found out, but the damage was done. He has changed 100%, I have no doubt. He is not a bad man who does bad things. He is actually and outstanding man who did a bad thing. But...... I did not allow any contact with him for a month and a 1/2 after finding out. During that time, I innocently hung out with a guy that under normal circumstances I would have never had any chance of developing any feelings for. But apparently I did not realize just how vulnerable the rejection from my husband had left me. I knew it was wrong because I was still TECHNICALLY married even though we were separated & not speaking. But I told myself as long as it didn't get physical, it was not cheating. Well one night it got physical. I immediately stopped it & felt so awful. I am not a cheater & have never been with anyone other than my husband. I immediately told my husband, he was devastated. And because I feel like it was the right thing to do, I agreed to try and reconcile. The problem now is, that I cannot get the other guy out of my head, I completely broke things off, no contact whatsoever for like 3 weeks & my heart is broken. I'm trying to give things a chance with my husband & I'm so grieving the loss of this other man than it makes it nearly impossible. Can someone please tell me this is normal? That it will pass? I know that love is a choice, & that if people stayed put solely based upon ooey gooey butterfly feelings then no one would ever stayed married because that comes and goes with mature love. I guess I just want someone to tell me "Of course the feelings for this guy feel intense and authentic after the devastation you had just gone through with your husband, but you'd have felt this way about anyone who treated you so great after being hurt so badly, they are inauthentic feelings, getting caught up in the secrecy & excitement of an affair that hasn't been exposed to real life situations and hasn't gone on long enough to find out the person's flaws will brainwash you into thinking they are the better choice."
Can someone who has been through this verify that it'd be stupid to leave a good man who made a bad decision (that I honestly believe will NEVER do it again) for a man that may or may not be worth it & I feel like I fell in love with?

I know Im not beautiful and slim and young as my husband mistress, but Im obedient wife, I do anything for him, but thats not enough for him, now Im having sickness and not having sex with my husband but should he leave me, where is love, I dont believe in love and man, white men are jerk

white woman are lower than animals, have no shame and moral, and most man are sex starving, how if your wife is being sick and cant serve you in bed, are you leaving her, what a cruel man

Flagged! What a "christian" comment!

I didn't read all of the responses but I know this: I am a married man - 59. We have two sons ages 26 and 22. One year ago just about now, my mistress of three years ended it with me because I didn't leave my wife. Not leaving was the worst mistake I ever made. She was the love of my life and I lost her because of my waffling. I was always waiting for the "right" time to leave but I've since learned that there is no right time.

I still have a little contact with her but now another single man has moved in with her and this week they got engaged. So the one year anniversary of her ending it and her getting engaged - pretty close to the worst week of my life.

So for guys out there who think that you are in love with your mistress, just do it. Leave your wife and make your mistress the happiest woman on earth. Don't get me wrong, you have to work at a relationship and do all the things to support and grow with each other. But don't let that opportunity pass you by because you may never get that chance again. I know and I'm suffering for it. I'll love that woman for the rest of my life and I'll be suffering for it too for that long because I didn't commit to her and she left. Looking back on it, I don't blame her. I was stupid - don't make the same mistake that I did.

I I have been in a relationship with a married man for 2 years. He persued me. I kept him at arms length for a while. He has tried 2 times to cut me off. But came back in a mess of emotions that he can't let me go. But this 3rd time I feel he is gone. He still contacts me in small ways. I told him in order to make his marriage work he needs to cut all ties with me. He said he can't do that. He also says i was not a mistake he has used words like fait and soulmates and a powerful connection with me. I was wondering from your experience how to either accept this or is there still hope. I have asked him to tell me it never will happen but he says he can't do that.

I know how you feel. I've been readong all the messages so far and feel really happy I came across this. I've fallen for a mm and it was never intended to develop the way it did.

he tells me that he doesn't wven share a room with his wife and isn't in love with her anymore.. but he stays for his duaghter. I feel that he is really special to me. I know the love for his daughter is too great tho and that he wouldmost likely sacrifoce his own happiness for her.its discouraging but I love him and I want to be happy for him.if he chooses to stay for his duaghter I will respect that decision and leave him be. but I know that I can't sit and continue this for years. I know that I love him, but I'm not sure how he feels about me. its quite the predicament I'm in but ill have some physical seperation from him for a while hopefully that would clear up both of our minds.

i know what your going thru, i lost my true love ,god took her, after 7 yrs since i held her i meet a new love shes so close to being my wife i lost i beevn with her since feb 1st i propose 2 months ago she said yes i got ride of my place moved 400 miles to be with her left my job and friends sex and every thing was good i thought , but these last 6 weeks her mind been else were i try every thing love her so much all i get is i love you no affection im confused to i have nothing to go back too my old jobs gone so is my house i invested every thing in this relationship ,now i drink myself to sleep at nite and contine to try figering her out its like you said 'shes loosing her f n mind' im hewre but she dont see me its like im a goast or in a bad dream. good luck man i do no how it is,im only 45 this is my sencong chance at love, but its hurts as much as when i lost my angel my true love

I have been with my married boyfriend for almost 3 yrs, I am married too. I love my boyfriend very much and I know he loves me too. We are trying to be together but its hard. I suggest that you look for your happiness because we only live once. Unfortunately we can't live our love fully because we both have very young children but believe me I love him so much and he is everything to me.

So what does your husband thank of him

Your right your wife deserves better then you. She deserves to be loved and respected so do her a favor and leave.

Brother ive been in your shoes. The best advice I can tell you is to really think about your situation. Try to remember why you got married in the first place. Think of the times when you and your spouse where truly happy. I know what it is to feel trapped in a marriage. But trust me the new girlfriend will allways show you thare best side. The intimacy feels great, you probably feel like a king when you're with her, your the center of that women's life . But trust me it is all bull **** she's playing you. Think about it brother you said your in your 40s your at an age where you are at least stable in a job or profession. You also said your health is falling , what makes you think this new women is going to stay by you if she did not stay loyal to her own husband. True Love is not the buterfly in the stomach feeling. True Love is when all those feelings are over and you are still willing to be with that person whom you've made a life with. Thare is no history with the new women to keep you together once the passion or excitement fades she will look for someone else. Just think about it.

I don't necessarily agree with you there. Sometimes I wish life was more black and white. I have been a mistress for eight months. I love this man with all my being. I don't need anything from him but him and it breaks my heart to not have that. To the author I say, take your time and think things through. It's a pretty tough one this.

Go with your heart and don't look back. No one will appreciate you giving up what makes you happy in the long's you that suffers in the end for making a mistake of the heart .

hi everyone i need help too
well i am the lover of a man who have a girlfriend and a child. his about to get married next summer.. 1kiss was enough for us to fell inlove, it started as a fun, meaning i was in a relationship at the time and he was still is in relationship so we were just going to fun and enjoy each others company. and then i fell inlove with him so i had to broke off my relationship i just couldnt go on with lies it was easy for me just to let go my relationship and i did. i dont regret it at all. anyways with my lover everything was just going well we were happy we would spend time together everyday, well his girlfriend lives in some other country so its easier for us to be with each other. at the begining of our relationship he would tell me how much he loved me and miss me when his at work, he would call me everytime he had a break texted me every time. i was so happy he was very good by expresing his feelings. now all that changed he doesnt even tells me that he loves me nor call me as he used to, i asked him why did you stop telling me that you love me and miss me all does beautiful words endless worlds, of course he would have non stop excusis ugh! oh by the way his 40 years old and i am 22. i just dont know what to do i am hopeless

What was his name.. Sounds like the guy i,m dating... Lol

Im sorry to tell you but he is not that into you. Once the excitement faded so did he. This usually happens with a fling. Best of luck

I didn't know my "fiance" of 2 yrs was already married. I got a call from the wife one day. I was shocked. They have only been married 3 yrs. A day after his wife found out he was already begging me to talk to him..that he loves me and all the bs. He continued to bug me until i changed my numbers.

No matter how much i loved him..i cannot and will not get over the betrayal. He left me pregnant and it might be ectopic. But i shall be strong. It is the right thing to do. I would never want to be in his wife's shoes. The pain in her voice and her crying still haunts me. And i don't want the same thing to happen to me. I am hurting now but i fully respect other people's marriage. This is very traumatic but i know one day i'll try and pick up the pieces of what's left of me.

And yes i miss him so much it hurts but my heart knows it is wrong so i have to let go....

Im truly sorry for what you are experiencing. I can tell by your action in leaving this man you are a kind and loving person. I hope everything goes well. I do not agree with you changing your number because you are having a baby by this man and he has a right to be part of the babies life. But it doesn't give him the right to be with you if you do not want him to. I aplaud your principles regarding the relationship . Especially because you where unaware of the spouse. Thare fore you did not agree to become the other women, My advice would be a little different if you would have been aware of status. Just try to focus on what's best for your child the rest should work it's self out with time.

Hi myxx hows your situation now?

Dude, I am there with you and I get this. No advice for you. I'm still in it. My wife is a good person and we have two kids together. What is more cowardly: giving up on love, or giving up on your marriage and breaking up your family?

You're a man with 2 children ... As is my MM... He tells me he can't leave his children even though I've never asked him to leave. I'm willing to stay in it with him, as long as his reason to stay in his marriage is for the I ask you, a MM with children... Is this really how you feel? Are you there for your children, or do you still love your wife?

Thats a hard question with many different answers. I think the best answer is think about yourself and what you want out of life. If you're content with the situation don't ever think about the question you asked again. But if you whant or expect more than what you are getting from this man. I guess you already know that answers and what you have to do.

Thanks for the reply. Although he's tried to keep the spark going by texting n flirting, no real effort to see me has been made. I've decided to leave well enough alone. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to do the "head game" thing... Now he's acting like all he wants is to"know " he can hide me whenever he chooses, without actually putting any effort... It's become too much work in my end and effort I should be putting into my fragile state marriage. Now I just need to be disciplined enough to ignore his texts :/

*have not hide

Dude you hit it right on !!
Im your same boat at the end whatever decision you choose changes every thing!

But who do you really love? Who makes you happy? Both?

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I lost my lover because he died. Chances are I was the last to hug and kiss him. We had plans to get away for a day but I put it off because of my racing season. He could have lived.his wife didn't get to him in time.I'm not sure she wanted to.we could not break it off. we tried more than 10 times. We would see each other and not want to let go again. Both of were comitted to the families we started with our spouses. Yet met tbe need in each others lives that hasn't been met from our marriages. I would have left my family but he stopped me and said he wouldn't go with. I needed to stay and care for my children he said. This was two years ago. 7 days ago he died. How do I live without him without dying of sorrow.

I am sorry..i can't imagine loosing my man, I don't think I would be able to live without him.

I had one friend I told everything to and she helped me. Ironically I am much happier. Well, at peace. I do wonder if our relationship killed him. The guilt ate at him more than myself. I still am processing how it all happened and why. I do know I never want to be in that situation ever again. I learned a lot about my marriage and what family is. I learned about what love is and what it isn't. It never would have ended though if he had not died. we would have gotten caught somehow. because people give themselves up eventually. I don't think I will ever tell my husband but I am sure he will eventually find out. I had told him earlier on about my struggle with this man and he knew it to be an ongoing struggle but didn't know any details except that he wanted me to stay away from him. when my lover died, my husband said, "i guess i win."

you no moral white woman, thats why every white men cheat

I'm sorry to hear of your story. Mine does not compare as marriages were not damaged any more than they already were. Secrets were not found out. However I do feel the pain you must be going through. I had an affair with someone from a city I was sent regularly to for work. It was perfect but work is not sending me there anymore and I must reluctantly end this affair. Like you I think she is perfect and I just want to be with her. I'm thinking about what it could be like if we were together and also how her life is going to be like without me, very hard on me.

Hello everyone! Is me JR63 with all my problems again. For the ones that didn't know my one cancer surgery turned in to four surgeries. My doctor had made a mistake that caused having to have 3 more surgical interventions and greatly extend my pain and recovery time. Good news are that I'm cancer free and with some small difficulties I'm functional as a man. Those are great results after facing Cancer and my angel said she is happy to have me regardless of the results. Yes, we are back together my angel and I. She was transferred back to her old post and I'm back to work so we can see each other. It is so wonderful to be able to have her in my arms and look in to her beautiful eyes. She's the love of my life. The woman that I was meant to love in this lifetime. We both feel the same way. Since we don't have any small children to worry about it is just a matter of me having the courage of confronting my current wife and admitting the truth as painful as it is. The way that my wife have been treating me I suspect there's going to be more anger than pain. She has turned cold a long time ago. We don't play, kiss, hug or anything like we use to and when I try to approach her she have an excuse or gets angry. The marriage has turned mechanically functional but there's no love or sex in it. My Love is going to get a new job soon. I have plenty of years to combine my years with state and military and retire. We finally are going to be together. May God forgive me for what I'm about to do.

Please keep updating. I wish you the best of luck. Things will get better! You're making the choices now that will pay shape, and pay off, in your future!!!

Hello LOVESITON1 it is me JR63. I really didn't expected anybody to be paying attention to my problems. It is refreshing to know that at least you are. I can't recall what role you endure in this painful drama but just to give you a little synopsis I've been in both sides of the story. I was married for 11 years to the mother of my children who cheated on me several times and subsequently ended marrying a younger fellow who by the way she's divorcing right now. I took responsibility and kept my children since she was involved at the time with drugs, dancing and some other shady business. I never cheated on her once. I married again a beautiful red head and thought everything was OK until I met my angel. I never believed in love at first sight, or even the love fantasies that I myself write about until I met her. I went head over heels for her. Without any doubts we love each other. She has demonstrated to me in many ways and some time painful ways that she loves me and I feel the most profound love for her. She's the woman that I was meant to be with. I'm 49 years of age, I'm not impressionable neither I can be trick in to confuse love for passion. We are in love and we are meant to be together. My problem is that I'm married to the other beautiful red head. When I divorced my first wife, I had 2 children that needed a mother and a stable home. My current wife was in the same situation, she also had 2 children that needed a father and a stable home so we got married and provided for all our children believing that we were also in love not realizing we were making a mistake. Now I meet the woman I really love and I can't be with her because of our decision. My marriage has become as I said mechanically functional but the real love is somewhere else, with my angel. The children are grown now and don't need close attention. Most of them are already gone so the question is, how long do I want to continue taking her cold shoulder and being the focus of her aggression. I know that by confronting my wife I'm going to cause a lot of pain and anger but I think that for the first time in my life I need to do something for me, not for others, before I end up losing the love of my life. This might sound a little selfish to you but I've been sacrificing for others for many years. I think is time I need to do for myself before I get too old or the cancer finally kills me.

Jr you remember that pain you first wife put on you will your putting that pain on your second wifev

I also am in the exact same you caught my attention because of the cancer as well as married and love her and he loves me but he broke up with me but that same day his mom past one year ago to cancer and he also was diagnosed he and I have four years may 7/ is the date he told me was our anniversary and for he and I not texting 5000/times per month plus talking and seeing each other very much well I moved he turned the straight talk phone off that he and I talk on but did pay it so he kept the # do I still have a chance at my forever love I know he and I are real as well as he does but denial and guilt scared him to much he Thor he was losing his children.i spoke with his wife as he ask me to find things out if and my I think it all was horrible timing I love him so much that if he wants his wife that did file for divorce I told him. Work on it and just tell me.well he yelled it in a text from his cell he uses with it was documented for any court in fear of his kids in sad...beyond words the year i met him I didn't pay him any mind he text me over over......and he is eleven years younger told me its just a #

1 More Response

Hello everyone is me JR63! I've been at home recovering from my now 3 surgeries. Like I mentioned before I'm fighting cancer and complication after complication I ended with those 3 interventions. I have one more surgery soon in the next 4 to 5 weeks which hopefully will be the final. If not, I guess my dilemma will be resolved. I will loose all including wife and mistress. My wife has changed. After seen in all the horrible pain I've been and realized everything that I do as in the administration of the household, maintenance, finances and keeping 3 teenage boys in check she is overwhelmed with work and asked me to come back and take care of things. There's no more jokes with my family and she actually have fought for me to make sure I got taken care by the doctor's nurses and the hospitals. May be my wife is learning to appreciate what I do for the family now that I can't. I've not been able to contact my mistress yet. I did contact her mother and sent her a massage and a present. I asked her mother to tell her that I miss her and that that I do love her. Her mother told me that she misses me and she loves me very much. I think of her every day. Right now It will be difficult to find a time and place to be together. Regardless of the outcome, I'll never forget who was the one that never laugh at me, never made a joke, always supported me, always received me with open arms, my love. I'll never forget those beautiful eyes that look like starts in the night sky, her beautiful hair that look like gold fibers glimmering in the morning sun, her beautiful lips that could quench my most dry and desperate thirst, her beautiful face that look like an angel has come to earth and is holding me in her arms. My eternal love. Lindsay. My love if you're reading this, El mio core e tuo per siempre. Yo estato esparato tuta la mia vita pir te. Yo te amo per siempre. Para tuta la vita mi amore.

We in the community of cheaters, of which I am a member, are all lowly bunch, so fueled by our own narcissism that we rob our marriages of their potential joys. Meaning alone comes from Love - and Love not in the glamorized wooing and imaginings of the enamored, but Love in the fierce, passion of the committed, of those who pour fully one into another.

I left my wife, a perfectly loving, sexy, flawed, and kind woman, under the same pretenses of many here- of "real connection", "unrivaled sexual chemistry", of "ease" etc. for my mistress, a woman who was no more or less than my wife's equal: she was simply different. In the course of our separation, I created hellish ordeal of deceit and cruelty for my wife that ended in merciful divorce. Two years later, I'm now living with this mistress, who has become my exclusive partner, and I realize that my decision to leave my wife for was only an ego-driven rationalization to do what I wanted to do. This is not to cast aspersions on my mistress. She is as gorgeous, flawed, and beautiful a soul as my wife or anyone else that I admire. And, as with any relationship, the luster and novelty of this second (oddly) healthy relationship with my mistress have waned, creating a clearing for the best stuff of a lasting relationship to take root, should we make it so. The tedious tasks of life and relationships do not simply evaporate with a new partner: work, home, and life tensions remain as to individual differences in history and personality and the like. It is shared effort between two people that makes a relationship lastingly satisfying and invigorating. I'd be lying if I said that I could not have built a satisfying life with my now ex-wife, just as I'd be lying in saying that I could not make that one now with my mistress.

My choice now, and the choice before all of us who have cheated, is whether or not acknowledge our selfishness, seek forgiveness from those affected by it, and then commit to choosing differently moving forward, or to return to spiral of self-indulgence by wallowing in remorse or crafting mad fantasies of idyllic love and pining for new/better/sexier partners.

I choose the former.

What is real is what we breathe to life in our words and deeds as we make egoless Love life's chief priority.

There is wisdom in your words , and i admire your guts to go through with actually leaving your wife (i failed at this point )
My life is a life of bitter regret now because i did not follow my heart . so even though i fully believe you. i will still always wonder but thanks for your input

Perhaps you are too hard on yourself. We all can probably get along with whoever we commit to getting along with no doubt. What good is it if we are unhappy in our relationship? At that point, if we stay, are we not cheating our partner from being with a person who truly respects and values them? It is a complex mess, this marriage thing. I suspect we can build a life with just about anyone. The question that we must all answer, is if this is the life we wish to live.

A person can be in a marriage or relationship and be long gone while still being there. How is this a good thing? When the mind drifts to parts unknown, are we being fair to our partner?

Don't have the answer but have pondered the question. Perhaps if we could honestly expand the context of marriage to include some adventure, we all might be better for it.

I've been cheated on & been involved with a cheater (married man). All I can say is this.... lets break the cycle. Be true to yourself & everyone in your life & you'll live a much happier life. You will then be able to be at peace with yourself. I never hold anything back anymore & by being real to myself & everyone else I know that I won't have any regrets when I pass away.
I spent six years with a man (my ex-husband) that never appreciated me or truly loved me & honestly I wish he would have saved me six years of misery & just told me the truth & went about his business. Even after I ended our marriage he begged for me to take him back for months, but by then I knew that all he truly loved was himself & he only wanted to be with me out of convenience. I was what he was used to & the best option for him at the time especially since we had two kids together. I never looked back & he eventually realized probably about a year later that I had done us both a favor. He realized that we weren't right for each other. We constantly put it each other down & couldn't stand the flaws in each other, & were never really affectionate either.
The man that I recently ended affair with was the complete opposite. We had known of each other since we were kids, so the trust & respect was there from day one. We actually took our time in getting to know each other from the inside out & grew madly in love with each other. The problem is by the time he realized that he was in love with me, his wife hadjust found out that she was pregnant, so he felt obligated to stay. I told him just last week that I couldn't do this anymore. I hated being placed on the sideline waiting to see him every week & then waiting days to speak to him again & knowing that we could never enjoy holidays together or spend as much time together once the baby gets here.
I told him I would wait for him, but I'm not going to wait forever. He says he wants to do the right thing & he's not ready to give up what he has. He even admitted that he's never been faithful to one woman in his life & didn't know if he had it in him to be faithful to me. I know that he loves me simply by his actions & all the little things he's done for me, but I'm willing to let him go if he can't give me what I deserve (a full commitment).

Man love just plainly and simply sucks. I too got myself Into an affair and I agree with the previous post about ego. See I'm a 40 year old married man with two kids. About a year ago I met a beautiful sexy 22 year old girl, I know this will sound crazy but I had more in common with my lover than I ever did with my wife of 13 years. It was the small things like types of movies, music, even coffee (my wife hates coffee) we would spend hours talking about just anything and it felt right. My lover did not know I was Married I neve told her because I never thought I would fall in love and let it get so deep between us. At the same time I have two awesome kids (6 and 10) and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt them. Now to be honest my wife and I have been having issues for the past 4 years even before I met my lover. Most of the issues started when my wife quit her job and I had to bear the brunt of all the finances. It basically ruined me and I lost my home because of it. I still hold resentment towards my wife for that. At the same time she is a good mom and I can't stand the thought of destroying the family unit. Everyone says my lover makes me feel the way my wife never could blah blah blah. Trust me I know the feeling. I tried justifying my actions in my head so many times and I always come back to the thought of hurting my kids. I know my wife would be hurt but she's an adult and can heal. But my kids... They are my life. Is it wrong to stay married for children's sake? I think so. Am I a coward for staying and not leaving? I am. I love my lover I truly do I could see myself happy with her forever but what if.... My lover knows everythig now and she was hurt over my lie and I apologize and she stayed because she loves me. But I can continue to hurt her while being a coward and not leaving my marriage. I really don't know what to do. Time heals all wounds? I don't think so. I know in my heart that if I end this affair I will forever think of her.

I came across this conversation and I wanted to add something - my dad left my mom for 24 years younger woman, I was 14, my brother 15 and sister 6. Now hes happily married with this woman and I am very happy about all this situation since beginning. For last years of my parents' marriage there has never been drama or fighting, seemed like everything was ok, but I could feel the distance between my parents and I felt like they didnt love each other. This was worrying me as a child, kind of feeling of emptiness. After the divorce we all fell kind of relief and that everyone is free and doing what they really wanna do. My both parents are happily remarried. Of course there was drama when mom found out and crying and all this but at this moment I am very happy and proud of my dad of what he did. He had a courage to follow his heart and he taught me to do the same. I never felt lack of love from his side or that he destroyed a family or left me. Therefore I really dont believe that leaving wife or husband for another person you love will hurt children, because I was that child and me and my siblings are happy with this situation, never asked my brother but he seems also happy.

And I came across this conversation because I was in the place of your mistress.

Hello everyone,
It is really painful.....when you love so deeply someone, but you can't really be with him/her. I have been experiencing this pain for nearly a year now...

This is my story:

Well, I met the woman of my dreams 1 year ago and immediately fell in love with her. She then went back to her country a month after we met. During that first month we would meet occasionally, at first talk, laugh and then kiss and have much passion!

We continued contacting each other after she went back and one day she told me that she was pregnant, by her husband (she already had a 3yo kid). We kept on going with our emails, texts and so on. Last April she came back to my country for 2+ months. She was already 6 months pregnant...however, this did not stop us from meeting regularly, having fun, falling in love. I, myself, live in a sexless marriage and I completely feel that this other woman is my soulmate!

She then moved to her country again to deliver her 2nd kid. We continued our contact!
She is now back again for nearly a month now, and I 'm deeply in love with her!! I can't get her our of my mind! I cancel business meetings, I change plans, I do whatever I need to just to meet her!!..even to be able to be next to her for only 30 minutes!!..she is my only thought, my top priority! Everything needs to be organised around her; to meet see her!! I wake up at nights feeling breathless..I know I'm in love!!
I really want to spend the rest of my life with her!!..I'm very confused..don't know how to make this happen..
I'm planning to talk to her about everything and announce her that i'm ready to leave my wife for her!!

Need help!!!

Hello, is me JR63 with my mess. My Misstress and I were separated due to the circumstances we are both in. I just had cancer surgery (yes cancer surgey) last Monday and I'm recovering at home where I can't see her. At the same time she just got transfered to another post. We both knew that this could happen at any time to the both of us so obviously we have each other addresses and numbers. She was devastated and could not stop crying. I fell empty. My wife takes care of me in the mean time but even in the times when I was going trough the most terrible pains I never saw a tear, I heard jokes with other family members. I'm very sure of what my angel would have done in those times. We promise to keep in contact until we can find a way to be together or to finaly end this drama and break up or get married and the way I'm treated at home you may take a guess on my pick.

I'm a married man that has now been in both sides of this dilema. Im my first marriage my wife cheated on me with a younger guy that eventualy she married. So I know how it feels from that perspective especialy when I kept my 2 kids to raise them. In this my second marriage I never tought or expected that this beautiful younger woman was going to sweep me off my feet and involve me in the most beautiful and romantic experience of my life. Her love is so intoxicating I find myself unable to escape her enchantments. I am so much in love with her and she is in love with me. The chemistry between the both of us perfect to the extent that my body reacts to her smell, hers to my voice. I beleive we were ment to be together. She is single but I'm married to somebody else and a lot of people will get hurt by my indiscretion. This is the most painful love experience of my life and it seems that there is no way out.

It is me again, JR63. My wife suspects something is going on with me. But she's been treating me diferent for a while now. I wish she would let her hair grow again, play with me and be like we use to be but she's hard to aproach these days. I usualy end up been the focus of her anger and frustrations. Is dificult to be with somebody that treats you like a punching bag. In the other hand my girlfriend is very loving. Not only because the relationship is new but her personality. Beautiful and willing to make me happy. It is very hard not to run to her arms and enjoy her sweet love.

What ever happened with your situation? As I am in the same boat

I'm still at home recovering from my cancer surgery. We have no contact in the mean time. I called her mother a few times and she was able to relay my massages to where my lover is posted. I think of her all the time. Her mother told me she said she misses me. I love her so much. I miss her beautiful eyes, those 2 beautiful night stars. I miss her scent, intoxicating and sweet. I miss her hands so tender and loving. I miss so much the way she kisses me with her beautiful and tender lips. I miss having her in my arms and feeling her trembling in happiness. How can I let go of this? We'll be together again but that still doesn't solve the problem of my family and marriage. From what I can understand the best thing to do is to go back to your family and wife but, I don't know how to let go. I guess we are in the same situation but unfortunately I don't have an answer. I wish I did. Reason tells us that we need to completely brake the affair with no contact with the lover. Then return to our family and marriage. Better said than done. My heart is telling me to run to her arms. Is a difficult decision. I can only ask God to save this sinner and take charge of my life. God help us.

So many experiences with such a lot in common, it's been useful to me to see some things that emerge are exactly the same and reading on I can deduce what will happen in the future in my own life and lives of the people that I'm bound up with at the moment.
I'm the 'other' woman, the mistress, and have been for years, my love and I were involved earlier in our lives but parted for the sake of our children, my marriage fell apart because I couldn't feel love for my husband anymore and his suffered on for years in torment until she eventually divorced him, taking really he was worse off than if he'd left immediately.
Apparently he searched for me but I'd moved and he couldn't find me, he was in an accident and suffered a head injury, he lost some of his memory but never forgot me. Another woman helped him through that period and he was grateful to her, they started to live together and moved back to NZ which is when he and I met again, instantly the feelings came back but he felt that he couldn't leave his current woman as she had noone but him and wasn't very attractive and he doubted that she'd find anyone else. I felt sorry for her too but it didn't stop the intense love/longing feelings that we both felt...I moved closer to his district to make it easier for us to see each other in secret and he helped to support my son and I, it was a better area with a better school for my son.
She found out at one stage but fortunately didn't believe that the affaire had lasted nearly all the time that she had been with him, this time around it has gone on for nine years or so gradually getting closer and closer, more intimate, more sharing and unforturately more heart-breaking.
He was going to leave her but she cried and begged him not to go, she went to the length of dieing her hair to the coour of mine and a similar cut and she's lost some weight, he said at the time that she was 'really trying and he felt so sorry for her', but we still couldn't stay away from each other, it's as if there was a huge gaping hole in our lives when we weren't in contact in some way, we both tried to break it off so many times but the pain was incredible.
Another three years passes, I thought that I was the one in the most pain, after-all they still had each other and it felt like I only had the crumbs, but looking at the common threads in all your emails it looks like the 'other woman' gets sick and tired after about 2 or 3 years of intensive emotion and waiting for her love to make up his mind and leave one woman or the other.

I've come to believe that out of the three of us, him, her and me, I am the luckiest one...we all have advantages, she has the advantage of his constant presence in her life, though it also means that it's hard to avoid being monotonous, boring and seen often at your worst.

He has the advantage of being loved by two women and having the power to make a decision that would make one or the other of them really happy, unfortunatelly he can't make the decision and spends his life in a tricky balancing act trying to keep them both happy, he sleeps with the one that he's not sexually attracted to but is too frighened to leave and longs for the one that he knows is lonely for him.

I have the advantage of being free, it doesn't seem much of an advantage at first glance but it is you know...just think, over the last 3 years I have cried rivers, I could openly mourn this heartbreak, I didn't have to hide my tears from a partner who would be concerned something was wrong with me, I didn't have to bottle up my emotion, I could let it all out, I could get drunk and do stupid things if I wanted to, I could run the grieving gamut,...she can't, she probably knows something is wrong with her empty partnership but there's a limit to the times she can nag and question him before it makes him turn against her, she can't cry her grief away without blaming him when he asks why she's crying. He can't grieve either and so everything for them gets bottled up and so lasts longer.

...and being free I have other options, I can date, I can try and find most of the wonderful attributes that my love has, in someone else, don't get me wrong, it's not easy, I often felt what am I doing with this new man when I don't love him?.. but I knew I had to persevere, I forced myself out on dates, I joined a dating site and talked to so many men, none were right, I dated week after week and gave up sometimes but kept going back.

I've noticed during all this that it's a process...I've still been seeing my love and I've told him honestly how I felt all the way along, He knows that I'm trying to move on past the relationship that he and I have, I know it hurts him and I hate that but he acnowledges that I have the right to look for happiness elsewhere as he won't leave his partner.I won't make love with him anymore because that keeps drawing me back emotionally, we see each other for coffee and talking and he phones me regularly, but I can feel my emotions gradually fading away...this, though sad, is a huge relief, it's so nice not to be in constant pain.

Recently one of my dates has come up trumps, I think he's a man I could be happy with, he has the things that I loved so much about my lover, he treats my son and I very well and he's ready for an emotional commitment, he's a keeper and I'm going to do my best to make him happy and let my love turn more and more into 'just a friend'.

So for you 'other women' out there, there is hope of future happiness, perhaps not the way that you want it right now but believe me, after so much pain it's wonderful to just 'not hurt', to everyone, the married people living in silent misery, the lonely lovers who's hearts are breaking while you wait month after month, nobody warned us about this, we all walked into a trap which is extremely hard to get out of, I feel for you all and hope you manage to get out and go on to live normal, happy lives, I also hope the same for myself.

Wow. Thank you!

I broke it off with my lover, my friend, my everything to return to a marriage that is unsatisfying and loveless. The reason is I am a coward. The woman I loved I have love for 40 years, since I was 15 yrs old. She moved away and we had not seen each other for 25 years. I still felt the same for her, she for me. She has traveled the world, become very wealthy and sucessful and said she still wanted me. I was to scared of leaving the life I know. Not fullfilling, certainly not inspiring, predictable and comfortable. We have a son together and I know the negative impact divorce has. I was scared the other woman would require too much of me. She was full of energy, life, laughed all the time and I truely liked her as a person. I liked/loved the way she enteracted with the world. We were together 3 years and have been with no contact now for 7 months. I think about her all the time. I know I broke her heart. i broke my own heart. I wish her well

Do you regret leaving your lover? Would you do the same thing or would you go an be with your lover if you could make the choice again?

I have the almost same situation I'm close to your age i wonder if its our midlife crisis but i have the same dilemma and i don't know what to do i have a wife and kids but i love this younger woman i don't know what to do and now this girl has quit talking to me since i wouldn't leave my wife I'm going through the same hurt

What ever happened with your situation? My gf stopped talking to me too because I wouldn't leave the wife and I miss the hell out of her

I am a married woman, married for almost 5 years with the man of my dreams ( or at least i thought) I have never thought I will ever be engaged in something I only read about in books or movies We moved to our current house last year and met this family who lives in the neighborhood. and they instantly became our friends. since moving to this country and adjusting to the new life, our marriage had been subjected to a lot of stress of finding a job and getting used to the new life my husband became very depressed and distanced himself from me. Then Jon (my love) became everything that my husband was not. he became my confidant and he cheered me up when im down. there was this instant connection that we both cant deny Just staring into each other's eyes instantly tell us that there is something that needs to be explored. Sex was the greatest, the best in fact! he made me feel so special. But despite all these highs, i still feel empty and insecure. He may have filled out the empty space that my husband cant fill but i still feel hungry for something. I love him but i need to get out of this relationship cause i know I will end up getting devastated. he is married with two kids and so am I. How can i stop this feelings? pls help