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Fell In Love With My Mistress, Can't Fall Out of Love With Her

i fell in love with my lover, even though we are both married. i was the one that broke it off finally, after we did incalcuable damage to our marriages. but now many months later, i'm so heart broken i don't quite know what to do with myself.  i think of her all the time.  i'm wondering if i broke it off with my soulmate.  i can barely breathe sometimes.  she must think i've just gone back to my marriage and i'm working it out, but i am so stuck.  my wife deserves better.  i feel terrible for her, because i'm in no place to work it out, and be cheery and start re-healing all the pain i caused.  i love my wife, its just my lover changed everything.  i am afraid all this grief is going to do me in.  my health is starting to deteriorate and im only 40. 

i must be making this other woman into something larger than life, but i just feel her touch and her laughter and her smile and her love every day, i feel like i'm going crazy.  somebody please help me, get my life back on the tracks. has anyone gone through this? i haven't felt heartbreak like this ever, even in my youth.  i just don't know if its ever going to ever go away..right now. i can't see the light, and its spring.  this is so pathetic.  i'm sure my wife is thinking about leaving me very seriously now.

taddane taddane 41-45 170 Responses Apr 25, 2009

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I was also in a relationship where both of us were married. I ended it almost 2 months ago after his wife found out. I also decided at that time to tell my husband, as the guilt ate at me for the entire 13 months I was cheating. This man told me early on that he loved me ... about 3 months after we started our relationship. I said it back but knew at that time I really did not mean it. I wanted to end the relationship all the time but just could not for some reason. I felt safe with him and I am guessing it was because he held our secret. This man was 13 years older then me and we had been friends for a few years (met through work). I found out a few months after we started our affair that he had been cheating on his wife of 28 years for 23 of those years with numerous women. I had no idea when I got involved and wish I would have as I never would have touched him with a ten foot pole. All the relationships he had were long.. at least a 1-2 years and one that was 6 years. I know of 8 of the women but I think the number was more around 20. It caused total trust issues with us, but I told him the more I knew the better I felt.. so he would tell me just about everything and now looking back it just makes me sick. He told me that I was the only girl besides his wife that he had ever told he loved, which I don't believe. The hard part... is that I miss him horribly but know what a bad person he is. I have a wonderful husband who would go the moon and back for me and 2 amazing kids. I want to fall back in love so bad with my husband and we have started to go therapy and I am hoping that helps. I feel so torn... I have good days and then bad ones. I know deep down inside that it would be the WORST mistake of my life to go back to this guy as I only see myself having a sad life full of dishonesty as I cant imagine that he would ever really change for me. He asked me to leave my husband a few months before his wife found out and I said no. I know deep down he is bad for me... I say I miss our friendship but I am so scared that some of me has fallen in love with him and as stupid as that sounds ( as when I reread this .. I sound like the dumbest girl in the world with all the writing on the walls) it still hurts. We would talk for hours, text all day and IM all day too, we were really close. I want to contact him and ask him about he is doing and his recovery ... but I don't think it will get me anywhere. I also don't think he will talk to me as I think I really hurt him. He asked me to wait a few weeks to see how things went at home for him after his wife found out and I said no... as I knew it should end..... and I ended it ... he was just never good enough for me. I just wish I did not miss him and wonder if we should be together though. I wish the logical and emotional sides of my brain could sync up. Sometimes I just feel heartbroken over this and I am so scared I will never be able to love my husband as he deserves. Anyone know how to get past these feelings it would be great to hear from you. I find comfort in reading articles written by people in similar situations.. but none of them seem to have a solution... except it just takes time.

If you love your mistress, leave. She deserves you. Life is short. Do everybody in the situation a favor.

I fell in love with a married woman 15 months ago and it's just ended. It ended when both our families went away on holiday together and she heard me having sex with my partner upstairs. It was, on reflection, idiotic going away on holidays with your partner, your mistress AND her husband (yes I know what you're all thinking). Though I'm obviously devastated that it's ended - because I am very much in love with her and she with me, my main concern is that I've hurt her so much and I need some advice on what to do. I'm not making excuses about what happened, but it was a tricky situation. We're both having trouble in our relationships and one of my problems was a lack of interest in making love from my partner. She had the same problem and it was one of the things that drew us together. So anyway what happened, happened because my partner and i had had a few drinks and she basically showed interest for the first time in months. I know terrible timing. I felt caught, not wanting to reject her - because after all this was exactly what I had been asking for - but knowing my lover was downstairs. I tried to keep it quiet but alcohol and a slightly 'bouncy' partner made that impossible obviously because she heard. She was even prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt about it for five days but eventually asked me straight out and, shamed faced, I told her what happened. So, as i say, its over, I'm devastated, I think she's devastated too but i want to know how to support her. Am I doing the right thing by trying to support her, to apologize and to try and make it up to her, even if that just means getting to a place where we can be friends, or should I just leave her alone? Problem is, our daughters are friends, so I will keep seeing her and, in fact in the last few weeks she's initiated more contact than me. I want to see her of course, even though it's hard and very different all of a sudden, but am I being cruel and would I be better just cutting ties for all but situations we can't avoid? In some respects I want to keep some level of c with her as we've both talked about the possibility of being together in the future, even since the break up. any perspectives greatly appreciated.

How did this turn out? I can totally relate to something similar going on with me now.

if he is love you, he is not cheating on you, leave him, find new husband, life goes on, you move on girl

I'm thankful to have found this post. I'm the other woman of 3.5 years and we have a 17 month old beautiful daughter. I lost my job when I was pregnant but wanted to stay home with the baby for the first year. I'm still a stay at home mom in the beautiful home we share. He is an excellent provider and he doesn't want me to work. He is present for all of our daughter's special events and stays with her any time I have important appointments or errands but his business doesn't allow him much family time in either home and he goes home to her at night. I'm so sick of the loneliness and heart ache without him with us. We are planning on opening a business together soon but I feel that I should get a job and find my own way....he prefers one of us is there to have quality time with our daughter and doesn't trust day cares. What do I do?? He's been married almost six years. I know he loves her too...but he only tells me how hard it will be to rebuild everything he's worked so hard for, not that he loves her. I never want to love another man except him. It's killing me inside.

Add on... they are in a sexless marriage and have no children. I have threatened to leave him 3x since December and he pulls tighter every time. I am stuck at the cross roads...he knows exactly how I feel. Reading these posts have helped me decide to try to leave again but this time I'm not going to threaten him. I realize if I am truly serious I will take the steps to be financially independent and move on...I am just not sure how to get the strength to take the first step. I don't want to raise my daughter alone, I know there is a good man out there who would be happy to complete our family. Still, the idea of loving anyone else devastates me completely.

I realize this is old, but I ran across it.

I have been married for almost 4 years & the 1st 2 were great. I married a very loving, attentive, over-the-top, grand gesture, romantic man. Precious really. After the 2 year mark, he changed a lot. He was very mean to me, and said he wanted a divorce but then never left. 3 months ago I found proof that he had been having an affair, & I left him. I was devastated because I had been exhausting myself trying to fix whatever it was about me that made him so unhappy while being oblivious to the REAL reason. He had already stopped the affair before I had found out, but the damage was done. He has changed 100%, I have no doubt. He is not a bad man who does bad things. He is actually and outstanding man who did a bad thing. But...... I did not allow any contact with him for a month and a 1/2 after finding out. During that time, I innocently hung out with a guy that under normal circumstances I would have never had any chance of developing any feelings for. But apparently I did not realize just how vulnerable the rejection from my husband had left me. I knew it was wrong because I was still TECHNICALLY married even though we were separated & not speaking. But I told myself as long as it didn't get physical, it was not cheating. Well one night it got physical. I immediately stopped it & felt so awful. I am not a cheater & have never been with anyone other than my husband. I immediately told my husband, he was devastated. And because I feel like it was the right thing to do, I agreed to try and reconcile. The problem now is, that I cannot get the other guy out of my head, I completely broke things off, no contact whatsoever for like 3 weeks & my heart is broken. I'm trying to give things a chance with my husband & I'm so grieving the loss of this other man than it makes it nearly impossible. Can someone please tell me this is normal? That it will pass? I know that love is a choice, & that if people stayed put solely based upon ooey gooey butterfly feelings then no one would ever stayed married because that comes and goes with mature love. I guess I just want someone to tell me "Of course the feelings for this guy feel intense and authentic after the devastation you had just gone through with your husband, but you'd have felt this way about anyone who treated you so great after being hurt so badly, they are inauthentic feelings, getting caught up in the secrecy & excitement of an affair that hasn't been exposed to real life situations and hasn't gone on long enough to find out the person's flaws will brainwash you into thinking they are the better choice."
Can someone who has been through this verify that it'd be stupid to leave a good man who made a bad decision (that I honestly believe will NEVER do it again) for a man that may or may not be worth it & I feel like I fell in love with?

I know Im not beautiful and slim and young as my husband mistress, but Im obedient wife, I do anything for him, but thats not enough for him, now Im having sickness and not having sex with my husband but should he leave me, where is love, I dont believe in love and man, white men are jerk

white woman are lower than animals, have no shame and moral, and most man are sex starving, how if your wife is being sick and cant serve you in bed, are you leaving her, what a cruel man

Flagged! What a "christian" comment!

I didn't read all of the responses but I know this: I am a married man - 59. We have two sons ages 26 and 22. One year ago just about now, my mistress of three years ended it with me because I didn't leave my wife. Not leaving was the worst mistake I ever made. She was the love of my life and I lost her because of my waffling. I was always waiting for the "right" time to leave but I've since learned that there is no right time.

I still have a little contact with her but now another single man has moved in with her and this week they got engaged. So the one year anniversary of her ending it and her getting engaged - pretty close to the worst week of my life.

So for guys out there who think that you are in love with your mistress, just do it. Leave your wife and make your mistress the happiest woman on earth. Don't get me wrong, you have to work at a relationship and do all the things to support and grow with each other. But don't let that opportunity pass you by because you may never get that chance again. I know and I'm suffering for it. I'll love that woman for the rest of my life and I'll be suffering for it too for that long because I didn't commit to her and she left. Looking back on it, I don't blame her. I was stupid - don't make the same mistake that I did.

Tim,
I I have been in a relationship with a married man for 2 years. He persued me. I kept him at arms length for a while. He has tried 2 times to cut me off. But came back in a mess of emotions that he can't let me go. But this 3rd time I feel he is gone. He still contacts me in small ways. I told him in order to make his marriage work he needs to cut all ties with me. He said he can't do that. He also says i was not a mistake he has used words like fait and soulmates and a powerful connection with me. I was wondering from your experience how to either accept this or is there still hope. I have asked him to tell me it never will happen but he says he can't do that.
Minny

Think of the good times you had. If its meant to be you will get another chance. Love or true love is what gives meaning to life.

I have a similar story, but in my case, the story has gone on for almost 30 years. I fell in love with a boy in college and dated him for 6 months, then moved home after school. We dated just a short time before he moved back to his hometown in Ohio. He met and married a woman within a year and I always wondered what happened. I met a man and got engaged a few years later. 6 weeks before I was to marry, my old boyfriend called me out of the blue. That was about 23 years ago. He told me that he thought about me all the time and missed me. I was left so sad and couldn't get him out of my mind, even after I married. We lived in different cities, and one day I got a job and it turned out that the woman I worked with was the wife of his best friend. I asked where he was and within minutes found myself calling him. We began to talk frequently and started seeing each other, never really stopping, through his 4 kids, my 2 kids, and our not so happy marriages. Throughout it all, we professed our intense love for each other and the time we spent together was electrifying, like we were one and the same person. There was no doubt ever that we loved each other. Something shocking happened, though, about 9 years ago. His wife asked for a divorce. He promised me we would finally be together. Yet we were in 2 different cities/states. Still, we planned to be together. Suddenly, he stopped calling and I was devastated. It turned out that he met someone locally because he didn't want to break up my family, and quickly remarried, leaving me in absolute shock. I didn't know how to put the pieces together again in my life. He was my one true love and I collapsed, suffering from post-traumatic stress. Within 2 years of his 2nd marriage, he started calling again and though not as open as he was during his first marriage, we began to see each other again. It's as if nothing has changed. In many of the stories described here, the relationships have been short, but I have known this man most of my life and love him from the inside out. He hasn't been able to break away from me, even when he has tried to with all his might, even thought he tried to move on and keep my family intact and not make me move out of state. I understand him better than most, and we have such intense chemistry like nothing I have ever experienced with anyone else. Here I am, 30 years later, and here he is still here. Although he hasn't talked about his new wife much, I wonder what is going on with them--my gut tells me it is a marriage out of convenience, that she is spending his money and that he is just going through the motions but is so unhappy. He has gained a ton of weight. This may sound crazy, but I have just held out all of these years hoping that he will finally take the big step. He would be mortified if his kids knew he loved me for all of these years, but I still believe that one day we will just be together. Am I crazy? Can we one day really be together? Help!

I know how you feel. I've been readong all the messages so far and feel really happy I came across this. I've fallen for a mm and it was never intended to develop the way it did.

he tells me that he doesn't wven share a room with his wife and isn't in love with her anymore.. but he stays for his duaghter. I feel that he is really special to me. I know the love for his daughter is too great tho and that he wouldmost likely sacrifoce his own happiness for her.its discouraging but I love him and I want to be happy for him.if he chooses to stay for his duaghter I will respect that decision and leave him be. but I know that I can't sit and continue this for years. I know that I love him, but I'm not sure how he feels about me. its quite the predicament I'm in but ill have some physical seperation from him for a while hopefully that would clear up both of our minds.

i know what your going thru, i lost my true love ,god took her, after 7 yrs since i held her i meet a new love shes so close to being my wife i lost i beevn with her since feb 1st i propose 2 months ago she said yes i got ride of my place moved 400 miles to be with her left my job and friends sex and every thing was good i thought , but these last 6 weeks her mind been else were i try every thing love her so much all i get is i love you no affection im confused to i have nothing to go back too my old jobs gone so is my house i invested every thing in this relationship ,now i drink myself to sleep at nite and contine to try figering her out its like you said 'shes loosing her f n mind' im hewre but she dont see me its like im a goast or in a bad dream. good luck man i do no how it is,im only 45 this is my sencong chance at love, but its hurts as much as when i lost my angel my true love

I have been with my married boyfriend for almost 3 yrs, I am married too. I love my boyfriend very much and I know he loves me too. We are trying to be together but its hard. I suggest that you look for your happiness because we only live once. Unfortunately we can't live our love fully because we both have very young children but believe me I love him so much and he is everything to me.

So what does your husband thank of him

Your right your wife deserves better then you. She deserves to be loved and respected so do her a favor and leave.

Brother ive been in your shoes. The best advice I can tell you is to really think about your situation. Try to remember why you got married in the first place. Think of the times when you and your spouse where truly happy. I know what it is to feel trapped in a marriage. But trust me the new girlfriend will allways show you thare best side. The intimacy feels great, you probably feel like a king when you're with her, your the center of that women's life . But trust me it is all bull **** she's playing you. Think about it brother you said your in your 40s your at an age where you are at least stable in a job or profession. You also said your health is falling , what makes you think this new women is going to stay by you if she did not stay loyal to her own husband. True Love is not the buterfly in the stomach feeling. True Love is when all those feelings are over and you are still willing to be with that person whom you've made a life with. Thare is no history with the new women to keep you together once the passion or excitement fades she will look for someone else. Just think about it.

I don't necessarily agree with you there. Sometimes I wish life was more black and white. I have been a mistress for eight months. I love this man with all my being. I don't need anything from him but him and it breaks my heart to not have that. To the author I say, take your time and think things through. It's a pretty tough one this.

Go with your heart and don't look back. No one will appreciate you giving up what makes you happy in the long run...it's you that suffers in the end for making a mistake of the heart .

hi everyone i need help too
well i am the lover of a man who have a girlfriend and a child. his about to get married next summer.. 1kiss was enough for us to fell inlove, it started as a fun, meaning i was in a relationship at the time and he was still is in relationship so we were just going to fun and enjoy each others company. and then i fell inlove with him so i had to broke off my relationship i just couldnt go on with lies it was easy for me just to let go my relationship and i did. i dont regret it at all. anyways with my lover everything was just going well we were happy we would spend time together everyday, well his girlfriend lives in some other country so its easier for us to be with each other. at the begining of our relationship he would tell me how much he loved me and miss me when his at work, he would call me everytime he had a break texted me every time. i was so happy he was very good by expresing his feelings. now all that changed he doesnt even tells me that he loves me nor call me as he used to, i asked him why did you stop telling me that you love me and miss me all does beautiful words endless worlds, of course he would have non stop excusis ugh! oh by the way his 40 years old and i am 22. i just dont know what to do i am hopeless

What was his name.. Sounds like the guy i,m dating... Lol

Im sorry to tell you but he is not that into you. Once the excitement faded so did he. This usually happens with a fling. Best of luck

I didn't know my "fiance" of 2 yrs was already married. I got a call from the wife one day. I was shocked. They have only been married 3 yrs. A day after his wife found out he was already begging me to talk to him..that he loves me and all the bs. He continued to bug me until i changed my numbers.

No matter how much i loved him..i cannot and will not get over the betrayal. He left me pregnant and it might be ectopic. But i shall be strong. It is the right thing to do. I would never want to be in his wife's shoes. The pain in her voice and her crying still haunts me. And i don't want the same thing to happen to me. I am hurting now but i fully respect other people's marriage. This is very traumatic but i know one day i'll try and pick up the pieces of what's left of me.

And yes i miss him so much it hurts but my heart knows it is wrong so i have to let go....

Im truly sorry for what you are experiencing. I can tell by your action in leaving this man you are a kind and loving person. I hope everything goes well. I do not agree with you changing your number because you are having a baby by this man and he has a right to be part of the babies life. But it doesn't give him the right to be with you if you do not want him to. I aplaud your principles regarding the relationship . Especially because you where unaware of the spouse. Thare fore you did not agree to become the other women, My advice would be a little different if you would have been aware of status. Just try to focus on what's best for your child the rest should work it's self out with time.

Hi myxx hows your situation now?

Dude, I am there with you and I get this. No advice for you. I'm still in it. My wife is a good person and we have two kids together. What is more cowardly: giving up on love, or giving up on your marriage and breaking up your family?

You're a man with 2 children ... As is my MM... He tells me he can't leave his children even though I've never asked him to leave. I'm willing to stay in it with him, as long as his reason to stay in his marriage is for the children...so I ask you, a MM with children... Is this really how you feel? Are you there for your children, or do you still love your wife?

Thats a hard question with many different answers. I think the best answer is think about yourself and what you want out of life. If you're content with the situation don't ever think about the question you asked again. But if you whant or expect more than what you are getting from this man. I guess you already know that answers and what you have to do.

Thanks for the reply. Although he's tried to keep the spark going by texting n flirting, no real effort to see me has been made. I've decided to leave well enough alone. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to do the "head game" thing... Now he's acting like all he wants is to"know " he can hide me whenever he chooses, without actually putting any effort... It's become too much work in my end and effort I should be putting into my fragile state marriage. Now I just need to be disciplined enough to ignore his texts :/

*have not hide

Dude you hit it right on !!
Im your same boat at the end whatever decision you choose changes every thing!

But who do you really love? Who makes you happy? Both?

Is more cowardly to give up on love because a happy parent with joint custody is better than an unhappy parent around 24/7.

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I lost my lover because he died. Chances are I was the last to hug and kiss him. We had plans to get away for a day but I put it off because of my racing season. He could have lived.his wife didn't get to him in time.I'm not sure she wanted to.we could not break it off. we tried more than 10 times. We would see each other and not want to let go again. Both of were comitted to the families we started with our spouses. Yet met tbe need in each others lives that hasn't been met from our marriages. I would have left my family but he stopped me and said he wouldn't go with. I needed to stay and care for my children he said. This was two years ago. 7 days ago he died. How do I live without him without dying of sorrow.

I am sorry..i can't imagine loosing my man, I don't think I would be able to live without him.

I had one friend I told everything to and she helped me. Ironically I am much happier. Well, at peace. I do wonder if our relationship killed him. The guilt ate at him more than myself. I still am processing how it all happened and why. I do know I never want to be in that situation ever again. I learned a lot about my marriage and what family is. I learned about what love is and what it isn't. It never would have ended though if he had not died. we would have gotten caught somehow. because people give themselves up eventually. I don't think I will ever tell my husband but I am sure he will eventually find out. I had told him earlier on about my struggle with this man and he knew it to be an ongoing struggle but didn't know any details except that he wanted me to stay away from him. when my lover died, my husband said, "i guess i win."

you no moral white woman, thats why every white men cheat

I'm sorry to hear of your story. Mine does not compare as marriages were not damaged any more than they already were. Secrets were not found out. However I do feel the pain you must be going through. I had an affair with someone from a city I was sent regularly to for work. It was perfect but work is not sending me there anymore and I must reluctantly end this affair. Like you I think she is perfect and I just want to be with her. I'm thinking about what it could be like if we were together and also how her life is going to be like without me, very hard on me.

Hello everyone! Is me JR63 with all my problems again. For the ones that didn't know my one cancer surgery turned in to four surgeries. My doctor had made a mistake that caused having to have 3 more surgical interventions and greatly extend my pain and recovery time. Good news are that I'm cancer free and with some small difficulties I'm functional as a man. Those are great results after facing Cancer and my angel said she is happy to have me regardless of the results. Yes, we are back together my angel and I. She was transferred back to her old post and I'm back to work so we can see each other. It is so wonderful to be able to have her in my arms and look in to her beautiful eyes. She's the love of my life. The woman that I was meant to love in this lifetime. We both feel the same way. Since we don't have any small children to worry about it is just a matter of me having the courage of confronting my current wife and admitting the truth as painful as it is. The way that my wife have been treating me I suspect there's going to be more anger than pain. She has turned cold a long time ago. We don't play, kiss, hug or anything like we use to and when I try to approach her she have an excuse or gets angry. The marriage has turned mechanically functional but there's no love or sex in it. My Love is going to get a new job soon. I have plenty of years to combine my years with state and military and retire. We finally are going to be together. May God forgive me for what I'm about to do.

Please keep updating. I wish you the best of luck. Things will get better! You're making the choices now that will pay shape, and pay off, in your future!!!

Hello LOVESITON1 it is me JR63. I really didn't expected anybody to be paying attention to my problems. It is refreshing to know that at least you are. I can't recall what role you endure in this painful drama but just to give you a little synopsis I've been in both sides of the story. I was married for 11 years to the mother of my children who cheated on me several times and subsequently ended marrying a younger fellow who by the way she's divorcing right now. I took responsibility and kept my children since she was involved at the time with drugs, dancing and some other shady business. I never cheated on her once. I married again a beautiful red head and thought everything was OK until I met my angel. I never believed in love at first sight, or even the love fantasies that I myself write about until I met her. I went head over heels for her. Without any doubts we love each other. She has demonstrated to me in many ways and some time painful ways that she loves me and I feel the most profound love for her. She's the woman that I was meant to be with. I'm 49 years of age, I'm not impressionable neither I can be trick in to confuse love for passion. We are in love and we are meant to be together. My problem is that I'm married to the other beautiful red head. When I divorced my first wife, I had 2 children that needed a mother and a stable home. My current wife was in the same situation, she also had 2 children that needed a father and a stable home so we got married and provided for all our children believing that we were also in love not realizing we were making a mistake. Now I meet the woman I really love and I can't be with her because of our decision. My marriage has become as I said mechanically functional but the real love is somewhere else, with my angel. The children are grown now and don't need close attention. Most of them are already gone so the question is, how long do I want to continue taking her cold shoulder and being the focus of her aggression. I know that by confronting my wife I'm going to cause a lot of pain and anger but I think that for the first time in my life I need to do something for me, not for others, before I end up losing the love of my life. This might sound a little selfish to you but I've been sacrificing for others for many years. I think is time I need to do for myself before I get too old or the cancer finally kills me.

Jr you remember that pain you first wife put on you will your putting that pain on your second wifev

I also am in the exact same you caught my attention because of the cancer as well as married and love her and he loves me but he broke up with me but that same day his mom past one year ago to cancer and he also was diagnosed he and I have four years may 7/ is the date he told me was our anniversary and for he and I not texting 5000/times per month plus talking and seeing each other very much well I moved he turned the straight talk phone off that he and I talk on but did pay it so he kept the # do I still have a chance at my forever love I know he and I are real as well as he does but denial and guilt scared him to much he Thor he was losing his children.i spoke with his wife as he ask me to find things out if and my I think it all was horrible timing I love him so much that if he wants his wife that did file for divorce I told him. Work on it and just tell me.well he yelled it in a text from his cell he uses with her....so it was documented for any court in fear of his kids in sad...beyond words the year i met him I didn't pay him any mind he text me over over......and he is eleven years younger told me its just a #

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Hello everyone is me JR63! I've been at home recovering from my now 3 surgeries. Like I mentioned before I'm fighting cancer and complication after complication I ended with those 3 interventions. I have one more surgery soon in the next 4 to 5 weeks which hopefully will be the final. If not, I guess my dilemma will be resolved. I will loose all including wife and mistress. My wife has changed. After seen in all the horrible pain I've been and realized everything that I do as in the administration of the household, maintenance, finances and keeping 3 teenage boys in check she is overwhelmed with work and asked me to come back and take care of things. There's no more jokes with my family and she actually have fought for me to make sure I got taken care by the doctor's nurses and the hospitals. May be my wife is learning to appreciate what I do for the family now that I can't. I've not been able to contact my mistress yet. I did contact her mother and sent her a massage and a present. I asked her mother to tell her that I miss her and that that I do love her. Her mother told me that she misses me and she loves me very much. I think of her every day. Right now It will be difficult to find a time and place to be together. Regardless of the outcome, I'll never forget who was the one that never laugh at me, never made a joke, always supported me, always received me with open arms, my love. I'll never forget those beautiful eyes that look like starts in the night sky, her beautiful hair that look like gold fibers glimmering in the morning sun, her beautiful lips that could quench my most dry and desperate thirst, her beautiful face that look like an angel has come to earth and is holding me in her arms. My eternal love. Lindsay. My love if you're reading this, El mio core e tuo per siempre. Yo estato esparato tuta la mia vita pir te. Yo te amo per siempre. Para tuta la vita mi amore.

We in the community of cheaters, of which I am a member, are all lowly bunch, so fueled by our own narcissism that we rob our marriages of their potential joys. Meaning alone comes from Love - and Love not in the glamorized wooing and imaginings of the enamored, but Love in the fierce, passion of the committed, of those who pour fully one into another.

I left my wife, a perfectly loving, sexy, flawed, and kind woman, under the same pretenses of many here- of "real connection", "unrivaled sexual chemistry", of "ease" etc. for my mistress, a woman who was no more or less than my wife's equal: she was simply different. In the course of our separation, I created hellish ordeal of deceit and cruelty for my wife that ended in merciful divorce. Two years later, I'm now living with this mistress, who has become my exclusive partner, and I realize that my decision to leave my wife for was only an ego-driven rationalization to do what I wanted to do. This is not to cast aspersions on my mistress. She is as gorgeous, flawed, and beautiful a soul as my wife or anyone else that I admire. And, as with any relationship, the luster and novelty of this second (oddly) healthy relationship with my mistress have waned, creating a clearing for the best stuff of a lasting relationship to take root, should we make it so. The tedious tasks of life and relationships do not simply evaporate with a new partner: work, home, and life tensions remain as to individual differences in history and personality and the like. It is shared effort between two people that makes a relationship lastingly satisfying and invigorating. I'd be lying if I said that I could not have built a satisfying life with my now ex-wife, just as I'd be lying in saying that I could not make that one now with my mistress.

My choice now, and the choice before all of us who have cheated, is whether or not acknowledge our selfishness, seek forgiveness from those affected by it, and then commit to choosing differently moving forward, or to return to spiral of self-indulgence by wallowing in remorse or crafting mad fantasies of idyllic love and pining for new/better/sexier partners.

I choose the former.

What is real is what we breathe to life in our words and deeds as we make egoless Love life's chief priority.

There is wisdom in your words , and i admire your guts to go through with actually leaving your wife (i failed at this point )
My life is a life of bitter regret now because i did not follow my heart . so even though i fully believe you. i will still always wonder but thanks for your input

Perhaps you are too hard on yourself. We all can probably get along with whoever we commit to getting along with no doubt. What good is it if we are unhappy in our relationship? At that point, if we stay, are we not cheating our partner from being with a person who truly respects and values them? It is a complex mess, this marriage thing. I suspect we can build a life with just about anyone. The question that we must all answer, is if this is the life we wish to live.

A person can be in a marriage or relationship and be long gone while still being there. How is this a good thing? When the mind drifts to parts unknown, are we being fair to our partner?

Don't have the answer but have pondered the question. Perhaps if we could honestly expand the context of marriage to include some adventure, we all might be better for it.

I've been cheated on & been involved with a cheater (married man). All I can say is this.... lets break the cycle. Be true to yourself & everyone in your life & you'll live a much happier life. You will then be able to be at peace with yourself. I never hold anything back anymore & by being real to myself & everyone else I know that I won't have any regrets when I pass away.
I spent six years with a man (my ex-husband) that never appreciated me or truly loved me & honestly I wish he would have saved me six years of misery & just told me the truth & went about his business. Even after I ended our marriage he begged for me to take him back for months, but by then I knew that all he truly loved was himself & he only wanted to be with me out of convenience. I was what he was used to & the best option for him at the time especially since we had two kids together. I never looked back & he eventually realized probably about a year later that I had done us both a favor. He realized that we weren't right for each other. We constantly put it each other down & couldn't stand the flaws in each other, & were never really affectionate either.
The man that I recently ended affair with was the complete opposite. We had known of each other since we were kids, so the trust & respect was there from day one. We actually took our time in getting to know each other from the inside out & grew madly in love with each other. The problem is by the time he realized that he was in love with me, his wife hadjust found out that she was pregnant, so he felt obligated to stay. I told him just last week that I couldn't do this anymore. I hated being placed on the sideline waiting to see him every week & then waiting days to speak to him again & knowing that we could never enjoy holidays together or spend as much time together once the baby gets here.
I told him I would wait for him, but I'm not going to wait forever. He says he wants to do the right thing & he's not ready to give up what he has. He even admitted that he's never been faithful to one woman in his life & didn't know if he had it in him to be faithful to me. I know that he loves me simply by his actions & all the little things he's done for me, but I'm willing to let him go if he can't give me what I deserve (a full commitment).

Man love just plainly and simply sucks. I too got myself Into an affair and I agree with the previous post about ego. See I'm a 40 year old married man with two kids. About a year ago I met a beautiful sexy 22 year old girl, I know this will sound crazy but I had more in common with my lover than I ever did with my wife of 13 years. It was the small things like types of movies, music, even coffee (my wife hates coffee) we would spend hours talking about just anything and it felt right. My lover did not know I was Married I neve told her because I never thought I would fall in love and let it get so deep between us. At the same time I have two awesome kids (6 and 10) and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt them. Now to be honest my wife and I have been having issues for the past 4 years even before I met my lover. Most of the issues started when my wife quit her job and I had to bear the brunt of all the finances. It basically ruined me and I lost my home because of it. I still hold resentment towards my wife for that. At the same time she is a good mom and I can't stand the thought of destroying the family unit. Everyone says my lover makes me feel the way my wife never could blah blah blah. Trust me I know the feeling. I tried justifying my actions in my head so many times and I always come back to the thought of hurting my kids. I know my wife would be hurt but she's an adult and can heal. But my kids... They are my life. Is it wrong to stay married for children's sake? I think so. Am I a coward for staying and not leaving? I am. I love my lover I truly do I could see myself happy with her forever but what if.... My lover knows everythig now and she was hurt over my lie and I apologize and she stayed because she loves me. But I can continue to hurt her while being a coward and not leaving my marriage. I really don't know what to do. Time heals all wounds? I don't think so. I know in my heart that if I end this affair I will forever think of her.

Hello,
I came across this conversation and I wanted to add something - my dad left my mom for 24 years younger woman, I was 14, my brother 15 and sister 6. Now hes happily married with this woman and I am very happy about all this situation since beginning. For last years of my parents' marriage there has never been drama or fighting, seemed like everything was ok, but I could feel the distance between my parents and I felt like they didnt love each other. This was worrying me as a child, kind of feeling of emptiness. After the divorce we all fell kind of relief and that everyone is free and doing what they really wanna do. My both parents are happily remarried. Of course there was drama when mom found out and crying and all this but at this moment I am very happy and proud of my dad of what he did. He had a courage to follow his heart and he taught me to do the same. I never felt lack of love from his side or that he destroyed a family or left me. Therefore I really dont believe that leaving wife or husband for another person you love will hurt children, because I was that child and me and my siblings are happy with this situation, never asked my brother but he seems also happy.

And I came across this conversation because I was in the place of your mistress.

Hello everyone,
It is really painful.....when you love so deeply someone, but you can't really be with him/her. I have been experiencing this pain for nearly a year now...

This is my story:

Well, I met the woman of my dreams 1 year ago and immediately fell in love with her. She then went back to her country a month after we met. During that first month we would meet occasionally, at first talk, laugh and then kiss and have sex...so much passion!

We continued contacting each other after she went back and one day she told me that she was pregnant, by her husband (she already had a 3yo kid). We kept on going with our emails, texts and so on. Last April she came back to my country for 2+ months. She was already 6 months pregnant...however, this did not stop us from meeting regularly, having fun, falling in love. I, myself, live in a sexless marriage and I completely feel that this other woman is my soulmate!

She then moved to her country again to deliver her 2nd kid. We continued our contact!
She is now back again for nearly a month now, and I 'm deeply in love with her!! I can't get her our of my mind! I cancel business meetings, I change plans, I do whatever I need to just to meet her!!..even to be able to be next to her for only 30 minutes!!..she is my only thought, my top priority! Everything needs to be organised around her; to meet her..to see her!! I wake up at nights feeling breathless..I know I'm in love!!
I really want to spend the rest of my life with her!!..I'm very confused..don't know how to make this happen..
I'm planning to talk to her about everything and announce her that i'm ready to leave my wife for her!!

Need help!!!

Hello, is me JR63 with my mess. My Misstress and I were separated due to the circumstances we are both in. I just had cancer surgery (yes cancer surgey) last Monday and I'm recovering at home where I can't see her. At the same time she just got transfered to another post. We both knew that this could happen at any time to the both of us so obviously we have each other addresses and numbers. She was devastated and could not stop crying. I fell empty. My wife takes care of me in the mean time but even in the times when I was going trough the most terrible pains I never saw a tear, I heard jokes with other family members. I'm very sure of what my angel would have done in those times. We promise to keep in contact until we can find a way to be together or to finaly end this drama and break up or get married and the way I'm treated at home you may take a guess on my pick.

I'm a married man that has now been in both sides of this dilema. Im my first marriage my wife cheated on me with a younger guy that eventualy she married. So I know how it feels from that perspective especialy when I kept my 2 kids to raise them. In this my second marriage I never tought or expected that this beautiful younger woman was going to sweep me off my feet and involve me in the most beautiful and romantic experience of my life. Her love is so intoxicating I find myself unable to escape her enchantments. I am so much in love with her and she is in love with me. The chemistry between the both of us perfect to the extent that my body reacts to her smell, hers to my voice. I beleive we were ment to be together. She is single but I'm married to somebody else and a lot of people will get hurt by my indiscretion. This is the most painful love experience of my life and it seems that there is no way out.

It is me again, JR63. My wife suspects something is going on with me. But she's been treating me diferent for a while now. I wish she would let her hair grow again, play with me and be like we use to be but she's hard to aproach these days. I usualy end up been the focus of her anger and frustrations. Is dificult to be with somebody that treats you like a punching bag. In the other hand my girlfriend is very loving. Not only because the relationship is new but her personality. Beautiful and willing to make me happy. It is very hard not to run to her arms and enjoy her sweet love.

What ever happened with your situation? As I am in the same boat

I'm still at home recovering from my cancer surgery. We have no contact in the mean time. I called her mother a few times and she was able to relay my massages to where my lover is posted. I think of her all the time. Her mother told me she said she misses me. I love her so much. I miss her beautiful eyes, those 2 beautiful night stars. I miss her scent, intoxicating and sweet. I miss her hands so tender and loving. I miss so much the way she kisses me with her beautiful and tender lips. I miss having her in my arms and feeling her trembling in happiness. How can I let go of this? We'll be together again but that still doesn't solve the problem of my family and marriage. From what I can understand the best thing to do is to go back to your family and wife but, I don't know how to let go. I guess we are in the same situation but unfortunately I don't have an answer. I wish I did. Reason tells us that we need to completely brake the affair with no contact with the lover. Then return to our family and marriage. Better said than done. My heart is telling me to run to her arms. Is a difficult decision. I can only ask God to save this sinner and take charge of my life. God help us.

So many experiences with such a lot in common, it's been useful to me to see some things that emerge are exactly the same and reading on I can deduce what will happen in the future in my own life and lives of the people that I'm bound up with at the moment.
I'm the 'other' woman, the mistress, and have been for years, my love and I were involved earlier in our lives but parted for the sake of our children, my marriage fell apart because I couldn't feel love for my husband anymore and his suffered on for years in torment until she eventually divorced him, taking everything...so really he was worse off than if he'd left immediately.
Apparently he searched for me but I'd moved and he couldn't find me, he was in an accident and suffered a head injury, he lost some of his memory but never forgot me. Another woman helped him through that period and he was grateful to her, they started to live together and moved back to NZ which is when he and I met again, instantly the feelings came back but he felt that he couldn't leave his current woman as she had noone but him and wasn't very attractive and he doubted that she'd find anyone else. I felt sorry for her too but it didn't stop the intense love/longing feelings that we both felt...I moved closer to his district to make it easier for us to see each other in secret and he helped to support my son and I, it was a better area with a better school for my son.
She found out at one stage but fortunately didn't believe that the affaire had lasted nearly all the time that she had been with him, this time around it has gone on for nine years or so gradually getting closer and closer, more intimate, more sharing and unforturately more heart-breaking.
He was going to leave her but she cried and begged him not to go, she went to the length of dieing her hair to the coour of mine and a similar cut and she's lost some weight, he said at the time that she was 'really trying and he felt so sorry for her', but we still couldn't stay away from each other, it's as if there was a huge gaping hole in our lives when we weren't in contact in some way, we both tried to break it off so many times but the pain was incredible.
Another three years passes, I thought that I was the one in the most pain, after-all they still had each other and it felt like I only had the crumbs, but looking at the common threads in all your emails it looks like the 'other woman' gets sick and tired after about 2 or 3 years of intensive emotion and waiting for her love to make up his mind and leave one woman or the other.

I've come to believe that out of the three of us, him, her and me, I am the luckiest one...we all have advantages, she has the advantage of his constant presence in her life, though it also means that it's hard to avoid being monotonous, boring and seen often at your worst.

He has the advantage of being loved by two women and having the power to make a decision that would make one or the other of them really happy, unfortunatelly he can't make the decision and spends his life in a tricky balancing act trying to keep them both happy, he sleeps with the one that he's not sexually attracted to but is too frighened to leave and longs for the one that he knows is lonely for him.

I have the advantage of being free, it doesn't seem much of an advantage at first glance but it is you know...just think, over the last 3 years I have cried rivers, I could openly mourn this heartbreak, I didn't have to hide my tears from a partner who would be concerned something was wrong with me, I didn't have to bottle up my emotion, I could let it all out, I could get drunk and do stupid things if I wanted to, I could run the grieving gamut,...she can't, she probably knows something is wrong with her empty partnership but there's a limit to the times she can nag and question him before it makes him turn against her, she can't cry her grief away without blaming him when he asks why she's crying. He can't grieve either and so everything for them gets bottled up and so lasts longer.

...and being free I have other options, I can date, I can try and find most of the wonderful attributes that my love has, in someone else, don't get me wrong, it's not easy, I often felt what am I doing with this new man when I don't love him?.. but I knew I had to persevere, I forced myself out on dates, I joined a dating site and talked to so many men, none were right, I dated week after week and gave up sometimes but kept going back.

I've noticed during all this that it's a process...I've still been seeing my love and I've told him honestly how I felt all the way along, He knows that I'm trying to move on past the relationship that he and I have, I know it hurts him and I hate that but he acnowledges that I have the right to look for happiness elsewhere as he won't leave his partner.I won't make love with him anymore because that keeps drawing me back emotionally, we see each other for coffee and talking and he phones me regularly, but I can feel my emotions gradually fading away...this, though sad, is a huge relief, it's so nice not to be in constant pain.

Recently one of my dates has come up trumps, I think he's a man I could be happy with, he has the things that I loved so much about my lover, he treats my son and I very well and he's ready for an emotional commitment, he's a keeper and I'm going to do my best to make him happy and let my love turn more and more into 'just a friend'.

So for you 'other women' out there, there is hope of future happiness, perhaps not the way that you want it right now but believe me, after so much pain it's wonderful to just 'not hurt', to everyone, the married people living in silent misery, the lonely lovers who's hearts are breaking while you wait month after month, nobody warned us about this, we all walked into a trap which is extremely hard to get out of, I feel for you all and hope you manage to get out and go on to live normal, happy lives, I also hope the same for myself.

Wow. Thank you!

I broke it off with my lover, my friend, my everything to return to a marriage that is unsatisfying and loveless. The reason is I am a coward. The woman I loved I have love for 40 years, since I was 15 yrs old. She moved away and we had not seen each other for 25 years. I still felt the same for her, she for me. She has traveled the world, become very wealthy and sucessful and said she still wanted me. I was to scared of leaving the life I know. Not fullfilling, certainly not inspiring, predictable and comfortable. We have a son together and I know the negative impact divorce has. I was scared the other woman would require too much of me. She was full of energy, life, laughed all the time and I truely liked her as a person. I liked/loved the way she enteracted with the world. We were together 3 years and have been with no contact now for 7 months. I think about her all the time. I know I broke her heart. i broke my own heart. I wish her well

Do you regret leaving your lover? Would you do the same thing or would you go an be with your lover if you could make the choice again?

I have the almost same situation I'm close to your age i wonder if its our midlife crisis but i have the same dilemma and i don't know what to do i have a wife and kids but i love this younger woman i don't know what to do and now this girl has quit talking to me since i wouldn't leave my wife I'm going through the same hurt

What ever happened with your situation? My gf stopped talking to me too because I wouldn't leave the wife and I miss the hell out of her

I am a married woman, married for almost 5 years with the man of my dreams ( or at least i thought) I have never thought I will ever be engaged in something I only read about in books or movies We moved to our current house last year and met this family who lives in the neighborhood. and they instantly became our friends. since moving to this country and adjusting to the new life, our marriage had been subjected to a lot of stress of finding a job and getting used to the new life my husband became very depressed and distanced himself from me. Then Jon (my love) became everything that my husband was not. he became my confidant and he cheered me up when im down. there was this instant connection that we both cant deny Just staring into each other's eyes instantly tell us that there is something that needs to be explored. Sex was the greatest, the best in fact! he made me feel so special. But despite all these highs, i still feel empty and insecure. He may have filled out the empty space that my husband cant fill but i still feel hungry for something. I love him but i need to get out of this relationship cause i know I will end up getting devastated. he is married with two kids and so am I. How can i stop this feelings? pls help

I am in exactly the same situation . The pain is intense . I sent her a message today after nine months . She has someone new . And seems happy . But our affair lasted 15 years on and off. I love her so much . I don't know why i could not leave my wife and kids for her.

Hi, in regards to all of this I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. Because I too was in this position. Except I myself was the mistress. But before anyone should judge either or, first thing first. Some of us women ((Honestly)) don't have a clue that "Our Man" at the time also belongs to someone else. I am 21, going on 22. The guy (47) I was dating/engaged to was Married already & I had to find this out through someone else. When I finally confronted him about it, he explained everything & said that a divorce from this woman was long over due. But because of his "Business" & his "Name" he had not done so yet. If he divorced he could lose a great deal (a lot/everything)!!! I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe that he had pursued me for so long until I finally gave in, & he turned out to be such an Amazing guy. But this Amazing guy had lied to me. How could he not tell me he was married? Why take advantage of me? Why lie at all? Long story short I forgave him, & we stayed in the relationship! "I Loved this Man". After dating continuously both of us really started to feel a great deal about each other, & it was like "US" against the world........ We were "HAPPY"!!!!! Long story short we were together about a year & a couple of weeks. Sooner or later the wife found out about "ME", & kicked him out. & they were to get a divorce!!!!!! I was receiving unknown phone calls. His kids played on my phone. & etc So he came over that night & asked to stay saying he had no place to go. I let him stay the night! The next day he started moving all of his stuff from his home, into my apartment. It was okay because once again "I Loved this Man", & being with him is what I wanted. (No Worries) I thought. I thought "WRONG"!!!!!! Everything seemed to be going the way we planned. He was going ring shopping! The upcoming weekend we were to go take professional couple pictures together....... Never happened! 😢. All of a sudden I come home that friday night..... Him, & all his belongings gone!!!!!!! I felt like I was in the twighlight zone! How could he do this too me? What did I do to deserve such? If you really love someone how could you do such things to a person? Why stand me up? Why not be honest & face me like a Real Man??? Are you scared? You'd rather be unhappy & rich, rather than being happy & starting over a tad bit????? It makes no-sense to me! How do I get over this????? I mean honestly. To ((Taddane)) trust me baby, she thinks of you as much as you think of her, if not more. It's hard for all three people in this situation. Trust! If your with your wife, chances are she probably will never trust you again, & that's just reality. You know? & for that matter because she probably will never trust you, or if she does one day, she will most likely through the **** up in your face no-matter what you do. Whatever you do still want be half way good enough. Your Ex- Loves you. Just think, while your thinking of her she is deff thinking of you. Even if they decide to move on, if that love was really there between the "two" of you. Both you & your mistress, then that love doesn't just go away. It only hides for a sec. Because had you guys haven't got found out, you would most likely still be together right????? Do me a favor..... Go find that girl, life is ultimately/entirely too short, if you "Love her". I mean really "Love her", go & get the damn girl!!!!!! Because I know how it feels to long for that person & try as hard as you may to put pieces together, & try to make sense of the situation.... & want that person, but it seems as if they aren't doing the same in return. It feels like your failing at love! & you want fail, if you fight for it! Take your life back, apologize to te wife, tell her you love her, but you love her enough to know that she deserves someone who will care & love her as much as she needs & rightfully deserves. By all means get a Divorce though. & go & get the girl of your dreams! Your soul-mate! Your best friend! Your lover! Your text or call buddy, or whatever you want to call her. Go & Get Her!!!!!!! She's waiting, I'm telling you, she's WAITING!!!!!!!!!! Don't put off today, what you can do tomorrow.

You are really not in your right mind. Why don't you have self respect to find a single guy that can love you? Why do you need to take another woman's wife. You are a low life. and I fee sorry for you. Karma is a ***** and it will come back to you and burn you alive. You will never be in love because of what you did to another woman. and how low are you. I feel sorry for you that you don't have self respect for your self enough to find a man that doesn't care for another woman. Move on. and you are so stupid. Get an education and be intelligent. You are talking like a *****.

I loved the woman I cheated with. The excitement, the fun, amazing conversations. I felt breathless when I ended things with her and told my fiance everything. I would wake up in the middle of the night just heart wrenching hurting, yearning for a breath. Oh yeah, I fell in love with her...but I didn't leave my relationship. Why? ...because I loved my fiance more than my own happiness, because I LOVE my lady. Sure, I miss the other woman and still think about her every single day and always will. You can't stop caring for a person that meant so much to you. BUT being in love is a fleeting emotion anyways...its fantasy, an illusion we justify to escape the reality of everyday life. It's easier to live in that world. If you married your fiance regardless ECHOOFTHEHEART, it's because you loved her more than you did another. Don't let a fantasy and a search for a memory of the past to control your future with your wife. You have to cut ALL contact with her. You will hurt and you will not forget her but you also cannot be with her. "Love is patient, is kind...is not puffed up...bears all things, endures all things..."

Hi, i was the other women i was with my lover for 15 months he was not married but had been with her for 23 years we both feel in love and told her abt us and moved in with me for a week all his family and friends knew the only person that did not know was his partner and his 18 year old daughter. he moved back saying that "she begged him not to go" so they were going to make another go of it. We both are members of a bowling club which we both love and she hates, both love the same Football Team sience they have got back together she is know coming down the bowls club and going to watch footie with him i wonder how long this will last. We dont talk when we see each other he just looks at me from a distance, and this is killing me i have thought abt leaving and joining a nother club but everyone says Why should I he did the wrong and if i go i would just make it easy for him, as he does love me . the best of it is he wanted to marry her years ago but she always said "cant see the point", but in October they are having a holiday and are getting married, she asked him and he said "how could i say no after what i have done to her", lots of people down the bowls club and friends are saying watch this space it cant last, she will just kick him out when she has married him, o how i wish, im sooo much in love with him even though its been 8months since we parted i just cant seem to get over him, im still very close to his Dad and sister and they say he was wrong for going back he was soooo much happier with me.

For testincarnate:Your response seems to contradict. How to explain that you love your fiance more than your own happiness when if u truly loved your fiance that much, then your happiness should be with her not with someone else.

Im also a cheatinf husband. I dated a girl for 3 years, married her, and moved away. During that time, I met a married woman I worked with. We became friends, then lovers. I went into the military and came back home. I was supposed to marry the fiance, but I started things backs up with the mistress. I have never loved as I loved her. I ended up marrying the fiance and got stationed in Hawaii. The newness of my location held mg feelings at bay, but I recently went home for vacation and I fell even harder for her. Its like a sun inside my chest. I was going to leave my wife to be with her, but one thing led to another and now my loves feelings for me have soured. She got sucked into my divorce drama and now Im in constant grief. I still plan to divorce my wife, even those she loves me dearly. I just cant get over my love...and everything around me reminds me of her...

wow

The after math of an affair is it will forever change your marriage. It is no longer sacred nor intimate. Painful to live with. I would not recommend it to anyone!

I have been in a relationship for the past 7 years, my partner and i have fun together for the most part but sexaully he doesnt fullfill al my needs. i have been seeing another guy for the past 3 to 4 years now and we were actually caught together and i thought everything was over between us all but my partner forgave me and my friend could never forget me. the friend has expressed that he loves me many times and i feel the same about him. if i had to choose betwenn the two then it would be to go with my partner but i cant. lately however my friend has become a little distant. and we havent benn spending as much time together. recently he just told me that something happened to him and he cant hang out for the next couple of weeks with anyone., but i saw him online trying to meet someone else. now im very confused and dont know what to do. i miss him so much that its killing me. man its not easy being gay, trust me if i could flip a switch and become straight i would.

I was unwittingly the other woman for 15 months. See, the guy I met, and eventually had a physical relationship with, had given me a fake identity. He had bought a separate cell phone, had a separate apartment, the whole 9 yards. His name matched the name of someone else from his home town, so that checked out too. It wasn't until I caught him in a rather benign lie about something else that I pinned him down on some inconsistencies in his identity and he finally confessed everything. I then gave him the option of telling his wife or I would. In the end, we both told his wife, separately. They have been together for 20 years, married for 15, and he's cheated on her the entire time.<br />
My advice is this: if you have a slip in judgement ONCE, and step outside the marriage bond, stick it out and try to work it out with your spouse. If, however, you have a systemic pattern of behavior, accept the fact that you will never be satisfied with just one person, and get out. It is much better for your spouse and your children to not be exposed to your negative presence and lies than to "stick it out for the kids' sake".

I had an affair. Feel madly in love with the man. My gut told me all along to be careful. He would convince me to trust him, and I did. We had a 4 year affair. I was going to leave my husbad for him, and he was going to come to the state I lived in to be with me and my kids. We were so in love. Soulmates, lovers, best friends. I could read him like a book. I tried to leave him several times. He would beg me back, and I would stay. I had FINALLY let ALL walls down here he concerned, and BAM something changed. He was like a stranger. I asked him if he wanted to end it. He would say no. Id tell him I could tell we had changed. He would tell me no. Then all over one lie it ended. I couldnt take the lies anymore, or the fighting. Well you see Im the type of person when I feel used, lied to etc. I run at the mouth, and all sorts of stuff comes out ( I want my words to hurt and sting). Well they did. He claims he can never forgive me for my words. Even though I forgave him getting off with other women on cam several times. To this day I still love him like no other. He would cry he we had to part from our weekends away (I knew that he loved me). Here I sit almost two years later, and he STILL owns my heart. He has become a very bitter, hateful man. Flirts with very trashy women online now. Breaks my heart really. In the bl<x>ink of an eye it all changed. I stil sit here not believing it (like it was al a bad dream), but it is real and my reality. I want to hate him, and move on, but I cants do it. :(

I have been married for 10 years I been having an a fair for about 2 years now I have my lover pregnant twice I have walk in and walk out of my wife life 9 times and I truly love her but I'm in love with my lover too it seem like I can't let go of either woman I know my wife do love me my lover say she love me but when it comes to the reality I don't feel the love very strong from my lover like my wife but it seem really hard to let go of my lover even know deep in me I know my wife is the best womanin the world I don't know what to do at all I'm basically going crazy over this. Help help

This post is so old but what happened? It is now 3 years later.........what happened with you all?

You people are disgusting!! I have been cheated on by my husband. An affair is about the cheater having their own insecuritys. We had a happy life and sex life. I had no idea anything was different for awhile and it was only little things i started to notice that made me start to wonder what was up. Here's some advice for you people that are " the other person" have some dignity and class don't get involved with someone who is married you are destroying a family! There are plenty of fish out there don't pick the one who is already taken! Why would you want him/her anyway? You will constantly be wondering if he/she will cheat on you. Have some respect for yourself and the family that you want to break apart.

very well said.

I agree but it frustrates me the blame that is always shifted to the "other person". Your husband took the vows!!! He is the one who has shown no respect for you and your relationship and has lied to you day in day out. He is not a victim in this, he could easily have chosen not to cheat.

I am the wife who was cheated on. My husband and I have been together 14 years and now have four children together. Two of them are older and 2 1/2 years ago I found out I was pregnant with our third. Our relationship was really bad at that time and I told him we should let the relationship go & he was absolutely against it. So we stayed together and things got way better and shortly after baby was born I got pregnant again. Things I thought were great between us. So a week before baby number 4 was born I found out he was having an affair for the past two years. So when I was trying to end our marriage 2 1/2 years ago he already had a start in the affair. I don't understand why he didn't agree to it. So now a year after the affair things just feel they will never be the same with him. I was disappointed when I found out but realized that maybe he didn't love me anymore. I told him he could leave if he wanted. I offered to split our savings right down the middle with him. Also I assured him that time with the kids could be split so we would both have equal time with them. I do not want to be with someone who doesn't have it for me anymore. So what I don't understand is why he hasn't left. I told him we would split up things on his terms and he still refuses to leave me. I've read how a lot of men in their posts were so in love with their mistress. I'm sure he was to. I also told the mistress if she was serious about him I would leave & there would be no problems & she even said no. I don't get it. After the immense pain I felt from the hurt I went through I just don't feel like I love him anymore and I definitely can't let him in my heart again. Now I feel like cheating. So PLEASE someone help ME!! Why won't he leave & what do I do???

Some of you guys out there help me understand something. I have been involved with my married man for 2 years now. He tells me that I am his best friend, that he has never been as close to anyone as he is to me, that I know things about him that know one else does, that he only truly relaxes when with me, that I am the only one to whom he shows his true emotions, that I make him happy. His rational for not leaving his wife is that he is afraid of the affect it would have on his 15 year old daughter. His wife is not the mother of his child, but he says they have bonded in the 6 years he has been married. I guess I could understand more if the wife was the mother of his child. He would not have any less time with his daughter then he has now. I finally told him that I could not take living in the shadows any longer and needed to try and move on. I told him that I couldn't keep hoping and waiting for something that might never happen. He was very distressed but agreed not to call or see me. We went for 2 months without speaking but he would text me every few days telling me sweet things or that he had lost his best friend. He would send me notes asking me to call him when I could. After two very miserable months I finally broke down and called him. I told him how much he hurt me and that he should never have allowed us to become emotionally intimate when he did not have honorable intentions toward me. I told him that I felt he led me on. He apologized and apologized and told me how bad it had been for him not being able to talk to or see me, but.,,he just couldn't take the risk of how it might affect his daughter. I told him to quit using that as an excuse. He said what if he blew it all up and I decided I didn't want him. I assured him that wouldn't happen. I feel he is being cowardly and it hurts and makes me do mad. It has been a couple of months now and we talk almost everyday and have seen each other a few times but have not resumed a physical relationship. He contacts me, I do not initiate any of the calls. I still hurt really bad over his unwillingness to leave his wife and be with me openly and publicly. Explain to me how he can feel this tremendous connection with me and still stay in a marriage that does not make him happy. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone, which I take to mean his wife, yet he is willing to hurt me, the person he says he is the closest to. I have asked him if he is settling back in at home and trying to make it work and he responded that he was just going through the motions. Someone tell me what is going on please. I need a man's perspective on this. If he knows he will not divorce his wife, for whatever reason, why does he still maintain contact with me. He is a good man and I just find it hard to believe that it's a matter of having his cake and eating it too.

The reason why he stays in the marriage is that it is an important relationship in his life. I would expect that he loves his wife and daughter and society places a great deal of value on him for sustaining the marriage relationship and for his commitment to it. These are qualities you can respect. Because the way he treats them will be the way he treats you.

But people are perfectly capable of loving more than one person at a time. Indeed this is also something you can respect in a person. And of course adults often express that love sexually... it's a very, very human thing we cannot switch off.

You have three choices:

1) End it. Which will hurt both of you and leave you both back where you started.

2) Force him to end his marriage. Which he will resent deeply and set up the failure of any relationship you plan to have with him. You cannot have him at the expense of those he is already committed to.

3) Be open and truthful with everyone involved and see where things fall. Very brave, but there is a chance everyone will get what they want if they ask for it.

He loves his wife and u...I'm in his shoes i know how he feels! It's just a bad thing we got ourselves into! Nothing we can do about it...I just let my girl go she was single and wanted more so she started to date! I couldnt take it i am an emotional wreck! Yea I know that's stupid I have a wife ...but my girlfriend completeed me! U have know idea what I'm going to do....so trust me when I tell u ur boyfriend loves you!

If there is no hope for us I just wish he would tell me straight up that he will never leave his wife for me. Maybe then I could give up this hope and move on. I know he loves me. I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. I just find it so very hard to understand why that love for me is not enough, especially if he is being honest about the lack of a true emotional and fulfilling relationship with his wife.

A friendship turned into an affair. We were smoke buddies and after several months of instant messages at work, it came out that I had a little crush on him. We kissed for weeks, then after months we had sex. I thought it would be something that would end quickly. He was married, was a good guy, 2 small children, I was a moral person, so was he. We realized it was wrong, felt so guilty about it. After a few months, we could not go one day without communicating. I was married and would had hated this happened to me. But I felt things that I'd never felt before. True passion, lust, desire, and yes love. We were/are addicted to eachother. He is like a drug, relaxes me, give me innner peace. Calms my soul, my mind my body. I never thought i'd ask him leave his wife because I am the mistress and how is it fair for me to ask this of him. I got pregnant after 1 1/2 and lost the baby after 6 months. I didnt think i could get pregnant and I am 36, so this was not only a blessing but the most devastating event of my life. It happened 4 months ago. My therapist suggested I ask him to divorce his wife, because i owed it to myself. He said "i've thought about it, I don't love her. But i also can't see myself not beign there for my boys for breakfast, and come home to them" He has a sense of duty to his children, he is also a the type of man that is responsible and I know disappointing his mom, family and friends would be devastating. Do I deserve him yes. Am I afraid that if he left we would not last yes. I am jealous now of a girl that keeps going to his office to chat, and hang out. But in the end I know what i feel and he feels. We tried breaking it off a few times, bc its the best thing. We were both physically sick. We looked awful, he didnt shave, i didnt do my hair. So I decided that during my grief, I needed my good feel drug, my friend and my confidant. I know he loves his wife, that's his kids mom. But he is in love with me. If you've never experienced love like this then people out there can judge. Honestly, I want another baby, he got me pregnant, the first out of a 10 year marriage and a 2 year relationship. I believe that with my baby (which i want more than anything) I can better deal with him not being with me and only me. We are doing bad things in the eyes of society and the bible but my heart is pure and I believe his is too. I dont know how it will end but I know in a few months, after i've healed from the loss of my baby that I will seek to find one that is available to me. Deep down in my soul I know i won't find another does what he does to me. Sorry guys this is so long, its the first time im writing about it. So to you men out there that really love your mistresses, can it work? Can you marry a true love even if you both started this relationship the wrong way? I have a little hope for us but im not banking on it. I hurt so bad at the thought of not having him. I swear he's like heroin (i've never done it). He is my drug and know deep down the love of my life. I will love again, but not like this.

Hello, this is JR63, This might be a little late but here it goes.Since I'm a man that is facing the same situation I can tell you that most likely he won't leave his wife. Looks like his sense of guilt with the responsibility with the family is keeping him back. He loves you, but the guilt is too strong. I guess is up to you. I really don't like telling anybody that they have to brake with the person they love. In this case, If he can't pass that guilt, there is no hope. Myself, I'm making my misstress aware of the pain that we are going to cause and the people we are going to hurt. I also want her to be sure that I'm the person she wants and not to realize later that she changed her mind after we caused this tremendous pain. I want to give her an opportunity to think about going forward before we do. There will be no way back. This is probably what he is trying to avoid.

2 More Responses

I'm going through this now i am the other woman who was so in love with a married man his wife found out and he ran after all the bs that he loved me and was heart broken when we tryed to end it before she found out. well now i'm so heart broken its been almost 3 months and i cry alot love him hate him don't know which way to turn. I tryed dating just doesnt feel right feels like i'm cheating on him... yup the one who ran with his tail between his legs and probley blamed me for everything. I was with him for a year. I'm sure your mistress must be thinking about you also talk to her let her know how you feel she may be missing you also.

All- I am so glad to have found this thread. I've been married for almost 5 years (together for 10) to a man that I married because (i) he was wealthy and provided financial security, (ii) we got along really well as friends, and (iii) my parents loved him but have been having an affair for 6 months that just ended. <br />
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To start, I was never attracted to my husband. And I was a virgin when we met. I was 21 when we met and he was 30. So, at first, we had lots of sex because I had never had sex before and had a lot of fun with it. After about a year, sex became limited to once every few months or so. I hated it and would dread having to do it, although I would because I knew it was my duty.<br />
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Then, a few months after we got married, my investment banker husband lost his job. He still hasn't found a new job 4+ years later. I now have a good job and so I pay for a lot of stuff and his savings cover the rest. But, we don't have good conversations anymore, the sight of him repulses me and I fantasize about him dying and have been thinking about leaving him. But, he is a REALLY good guy. A model citizen and husband. Tries SO hard to be the man I want him to be but, I just don't feel anything for him....<br />
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In December 2011, I started having an affair with a mutual friend (who had a girlfriend). As everyone above has said, the sex was incredible and I love and was loved in a way that I didn't know was POSSIBLE!! I used to wonder why people on honeymoons would ever want to have sex all day (that sounded like torture to me) but my lover and I would and I didn't want it to ever end. He understood me and made me feel so loved, safe, beautiful and special. I truly didn't know it was possible to have that kind of connection with someone, personally and sexually. He also gave me my first ****** that wasn't from a vibrator, so I'm sure my judgment is clouded.<br />
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Last week, my husband found out about the affair and confronted me. He gave me an ultimatum- get out or completely remove the lover from your life and work on our marriage. I stayed with a friend that night and decided that, given 10 years of history, I should work on my marriage. That night, my husband also went to my lover's place of work and threatened him if he ever contacted me again. He also told my lover that he was going to inform my lover's girlfriend of the affair.<br />
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My husband and I are starting therapy tomorrow.<br />
<br />
But, the lover sent an email last night to me and my husband stating that his relationship with his girlfriend is over, prohibiting either one of us from ever contacting him again or he'd cause problems for us. It was just a mean, nasty, horrid email that stuck a knife in my heart which is still twisting. I don't understand how someone could profess their love for me a week ago, call me his perfect woman, share his soul with me and then turn around and be so mean.<br />
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I've been in tears all last night and all day. I used to want to leave my husband but maybe mediocrity and stability is better than love and sex and passion, or than being alone. And, while I was heartbroken at first because I wouldn't be able to see/contact my lover ever again, after last night's email, I'm heartbroken because the lover doesn't WANT to see me ever again. <br />
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I have thought of slitting my wrists (don't want to die but, cry for help), I can't stop crying, my chest aches, I can't eat or sleep and I just want to lie down and not get up until the pain is gone.<br />
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I don't know what to do- should I stay with my wonderful, supportive husband even though I feel nothing for him and am basically scared of being alone? Or should I take this affair as a sign that I need more in a relationship, bite the bullet and go out on my own even if (oh, my aching heart!!) my lover doesn't want to be with me?

I think if you feel nothing for him I think you should go why be unhappy get yourself a dog or cat your not alone. I'm going through kinda the same thing. But I have a son whos handicap so its harder for me to get out but i'm almost getting there

Can you afford to divorce? As your love for your husband died, what is the point to continue? The risk of staying is you may even have another affair. Everybody is afraid of loneliness, but you still have friends, family, job right? I wish you luck and strength to be on your own. One day you will meet your true love.

Hi, as I read through this I get upset.<br />
My husband cheated on my and was very clear that it had nothing to do with him, but him. Nothing lacked in our marriage, I gave him my all. Our sex life was always fulfilling.. He said he found a connection with her, job related connection and one thing led to another. My husband left our home, he didnt go to her but is now sorting his feelings. I am left behind with my 8 month old son and a broken heart. So who's the blame? <br />
Perhaps my dear friend you had to take some time off alone to know what exactly you want in life. Remember for the first months it's find an dandy and then u start comparin

We hear you but the pass is not earsable,being where you were 3 years ago I get what you are saying.I look back on my affair I should have try as hard as I could back then in fixing my marriage instead in finding a temporary solution to my problems.We seem at times to forget why we at one time fell in love with our spouses,the sad things its aways been there.I'm a very different person my affair as change me in allot of ways,but the only thing is that going forward every day helps.Re discovering each other is the key so that it doesn't happen again.<br />
Good luck

Its amazing how similar we all are and yet we strive to be so vastly different. <br />
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Same story..dull marriage to a female (bit of a workoholic) executive, no kids, met a vivacious, sexually adventurous, twice divorced, single mother of two. The routine is the same..great amazing sex, sneaking around to have sex, texting all day/night, yada yada......<br />
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So I'm thinking about leaving my wife???? I am a total idiot. Affairs, casual sex, friends with benefits, **** buddies..it just doesn't work......of course the sex is great..thats the only time you deal with the lover.....<br />
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I think about how hurt my wife would be if she found out how ruthlessly I had betrayed her. If nothing else, she is loyal and stands by me through the daily ordeals of life and this is how I treat her..<br />
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To alleviate my pain of the lover (who is already seeing another btw...now there is a true heart) I think about how absolutely miserable I would be if I had to deal with her and her situations on a daily basis. You can only have so much sex and even the more exotic things we did would become commonplace...........<br />
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Do the right thing everybody..you will feel better about yourself and your heart will mend.......Lesson learned here..and I am so very very very lucky it was never discovered.

most white men are jerk, white woman are the worst, especialy the blonde woman, very no moral woman

Oh my! You are all amazing people, whether you believe it or not! <br />
Ok, my story. I've been (always unhappily) married for 19 years, have 2 teenage children, and (ashamedly) have had numerous affairs, always just sex and never any 'love'. But, 2 years ago I changed my job. <br />
I met this amazing man, we just got on so well and became best friends- then the infamous Christmas party came along and we kissed- we laughed it off as a drunken episode! that was all for a whole year until last Christmas when thr person he was due to share a room with backed out, guess who took their place?! We had the most amazing sex all that night, and the next morning confessed to each other that we'd had feelings for st least a year (but he told me that he'd wanted me the moment he first saw me) <br />
We continued this passion, hotel rooms, my home when no-one was in, his home when his wife was at work in the car, anywhere. I confessed my love for him and he to me- we even started making plans to be together even as close as two weeks ago we were discussing where to live. Then,last week I stupidly got drunk and txtd him in the middle of the night,his wife read it and threatened there & then to leave him and take the kids (5 & 10- and who I NEVER EVER meant to hurt or upset) <br />
He always told me that if the children were ever affected that it would be over, I've pleaded with him that it was a stupid mistake on my part but he is adamant that we are finished. I love him with all my heart and soul and it's so raw at thr moment (3 days) I know there's no real point to my tale, but it does feel a bit better to share it with people who may have some empathy with me! Just please tell me that I will feel better at some point, I've stopped all communication with him for now, but it's so hard to not pick up my phone & txt him! And yes, there is still that hope that he will contact me & want me back <br />
Thanks for listening x

I feel your pain but don't contact him even if he contacts you,children or no children if he really loved you he would divorce his wife I feel if the guy loves you and wants to be with you than he will make it happen not make us wait around and look like sex toys. I mean really guys its worse staying in a marriage for the kids it just shows them the wrong reason to stay with someone. Thats like staying with someone who abuses you because you have children why stay if you want someone else?

In the end with out kids everyone will be fine, its when children are involved you have to man up and live with the choice you made, either stay married grin and bare it or get ready to pay the price. And believe me I now live in the real world there isnt a woman on this planet that will forgive you when you tell them you want some one else. And no matter how honest you are your still doing a dishonest thing and nothing ever good comes from that. Two wrongs dont make a right. One wrong, having an affair, Two wrong telling her about it. See what I mean. So my advice is your married with no kids at the moment and seeing some one else. Get out while you can till you find the one you dont feel the need to cheat on for the moment thats when you know your in love. This will sound twisted but if your honest with yourself and your the type of fellow that cant be with just one woman and dont want to get a divorce than instead of manufacturing reasons why you want to cheat or get a divorce try this, reward her for letting you cheat on her, be nice to her and treat her good for letting you do this. You may just find out when your attitude changes you might find out that your wife isnt a bad person after all. And if she isnt then you still have your mistress to go to. That way only your emotions bear the grunt as it should be and know one elses. Its a crappy thing but what ive learned is if your going to be in this mess its up to you to clean it up, dont let some one else feel like crap because too because you cant make up your mind. As for me I will just give it to you straight with out all the emotional B.S. This is how it is, you can run it through your mind a million times but hurting some one then telling them about it gets you no where. And woman in my experience rarely divorce their husbands for another man, I have only seen it done once, woman are more emotional than us and if you think your conflicted, times that by 12 thats how she is feeling.

Well been through it done that, if hind site is 20/20 here is my advice, be realistic. If you are confused about leaving your wife and there are no kids involved then do it. marriage with out kids is glorified dating period. Do this before you have kids. If your cheating on her now you still will be when you have kids trust me I know. I know this is going to sound ****** but if you have kids then just keep doing what your doing until it gets old with out divorcing your wife, because it all turns into the same thing after the fun is over and you have to be responsible. Every man is responsible for carrying their own water. If your doing some thing that you know is going to hurt some one you dont make it better by telling the person you hurt, your just being more selfish because you want to get the guilt off your chest and that my friend is never a good idea. In other words dont make some one else feel like **** because your doing some thing you shouldnt. I came clean to my wife and feel worse for doing it. Oh and I didnt gain a damn thing by being honest other than making a situation that was bad from the begining worse. You made a mistake so you live with it bro, dont make the other woman or wife live that mistake with you. I think telling your spouse about another woman is like uncoventional bragging.

I have been reading the comments here for the past hour. It's absolutely incredible how shallow and selfish us humans are. I read one thing only; "ego, ego, ego". <br />
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We all want to be loved, adored, liked, complemented. This is where all this is coming from. Do not get me wrong please, I am no saint. I am also in a similar situation. I'm a 29 year old man who has continuously cheated on his loving wife from the beginning with the excuse of "Love and sex are different things." I have never fallen for someone like I have in the past 4 months. I met this girl, I was interviewing her for a job. The connection and attraction was crazy, sex was incredible, and it was mostly sexual, but I was so attracted to her. And yes, for me she was more attractive than my wife. <br />
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However, the worst of all, the reason I cannot get her off my mind was that she was sooo into me for 4 months, and one day, she just stopped! I'm talking about a woman who would leave her 2 year old baby to come see me at a hotel room. Her reasoning for it was that "she fell for me deeply and that she needed to get me off her mind." Deep down, she knew we'd never be together, and she did not know I was married. <br />
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So, I lied, used her, fell for her and she seems to be over me. (maybe or maybe not, it does not really matter) Karma is a ***** huh? :)<br />
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So, what next? I am not in as bad of a shape as some of the poor people I read here. I do not cry silently in my room, I do however think about her at least 5 hours a day. I stopped checking her Facebook, I am not texting her or calling her. But I cannot help it wonder, why? Why so much connection with a woman that I know will never work for me? <br />
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Ego is the answer. The fact that she made me feel special, the fact that she said "the best sex ever", the fact that it was adventurous, the fact that she was sooo hot and into me, the fact that I have a BIG EGO. So, now I wonder; did she find someone better? Did someone beat be at "best sex ever"? Is she over me or is she in love with me? Stop the bullshit.... STOP!<br />
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It does not matter! Stop living a lie. If you love your spouse, make it work. If there's absolutely no sex, drop it. How important is sex for you? If your wife is a *****, divorce her. (Yes, even if you have kids, cause a miserable you will make your kids miserable as well.)<br />
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We all miss an important point; LOSE THE EGO. Do meditation, do yoga, find your inner happiness. Try to work out your marriage, your sex life, if possible. If not, end it. Someone always gets hurt.<br />
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Remember, an affair will continue until one side gets stupid, falls in love, is bored, or goes crazy. It never ends well. An affair is a prolonged version of the first couple of months of dating someone; intense feelings and excitement. Add a shot of doing something so wrong and feeling so right and you got yourself a big problem!<br />
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Focus on your loved ones, surround yourself with family. Think about all the things you ignored to be in this affair; your kids, father, brother, family, WIFE, HUSBAND!!! Think about how many people you hurt, or will hurt.<br />
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More importantly, you might be saying; "Screw it, I do not care, I really really just want her, one last time, one more kiss, one more sex." Then my friend, you are addicted, and need help. :)<br />
<br />
There's no easy answer, I started paying attention to my wife, taking dance classes, started boxing again, spend time with family more often and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT contact my lover! I get really close sometimes, think of her a lot, but do not contact her.

This is the most truthful response I've read to help me with my particular circumstance.... Thank you!! While everything you say is what I know I need to do it will be incredibly hard... but I need to follow my heart and head and they both say you are right.... Thank you!!!

To experience great love for another human being is a gift. Enjoy it to the fullest , when its time to walk away do so graciously. Appreciate what you have at hand and move on. I walk away from the love of my life 26 years ago and his image as a young man etched in my mind. We are both in our fifties now and have families and careers of our own.

It is hard to find happiness in this myserable world, and when you do, you just don't want to let go. My advice to you would be to seek professional marriage counciling. You need professional help sorting things out.<br />
<br />
Be blessed

Thank you for all your stories. I feel so much better knowing other people are going through the same thing. I had a best friend, lover and muse for a year. 6 months into our relationship we decided that we couldn't leave our unhappy marriages for each other, it had to be for ourselves first. Then last month she was diagnosed with cancer. She is recovering from surgery well! However, she broke it off from me over the phone. But she calls/texts and emails everyday! and we have even been together once since she broke it off with me, which makes it SO confusing for me!!! She wants to move back home to Europe with her husband and child in the fall. She says that she "loves 2 men for completely different reasons." I on the other hand only fell more deeply on love with her as she was going through the process of knowing she had cancer and the procedure. This so so difficult for me to handle, to be on the "outside". I'm trying to bring the connection, inspiration and atmosphere that we shared into my marriage. Even through counseling, I'm not not feeling it. I know my wife can never be her and I feel so empty. I don't think I will ever meet someone like this again. I have never before. My mistress and I both know and admit what we have was AMAZINGLY special and neither of us have experienced a connection like this before (in or outside the bedroom). I have a sense of doom for my marriage and for my personal life... like my mistress set the bar to unachievable heights. I'm at a loss.

are you meaning to better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?

If not for that first hello, we'd never have to say good bye.

To add to my first post. I have been with my wife for a total of 19(14 married). we do get a long quite well(not recent since she suspects but as a coward, I have denied). I met my soul mate(I really think she is) under the pretense of just sex. We both knew what it was and I was upfront of being married. But, after the first meeting, it was evident to me that she was more. We clicked and I hung out for 3 hours just chit chatting. She was like, ok? I do believe I pushed the emotional side of things. She had been feeling them as well but withheld due to my commitment. So, here we are, totally in love. like crying, cant take it, cant live without love. The sex is great but I truly get lost just looking into her eyes. I have never really experienced that with my wife. I do love my wife, but why not to the level of this? It started out as sex but I could easily do a challenge and not have sex with her and be ok. as long as there was the love, snuggling, talking and exchange of I love you's. She is a train wreck with this arrangement and I am completely selfish in keeping this up and not giving her more. She deserves more. I know this. But am I maintaining the status quo due to having no courage or honor to end one relationship. I do not resent my wife. Just wished she was blended or more like my girlfriend. I hesitate in using that word. Quite frankly, she is more and has more of me than my legal wife. Just to add here, I have never been accused of being a romantic so I am not some lost in love or love at first site kind of guy. Very pragmatic. This girl swears I am the most romantic guy she has seen and do and say things to her I never really cared sharing with other girls. Makes me wonder if I have ever allowed myself to be emotionally available. I have had my heart broken before. This feeling is like no other I have ever felt. If that makes any sense. I ramble....

boy you sound like him, the one that went back to his wife. Yes, it's love, but will it last. You know like the marriage you are in? I mean they say Princess Diana will always be beautiful and loved because she died young.
Is there possibly an answer in there for you, for us all? If you look at the affair in a practical sense where do you see it in the future? If you can look that far and it still feels the same maybe you'll find your answers. But you can't do this while "inlove"
that is flight of fancy and deludes reality. It's best to make a clean break, clear the soul, the mind, jump into the real world for quite some time, change there what needs to be changed and if you feel justified in taking this time to improve and study and evolve and you either will leave your wife for your lover or visa versa. But yes, for everyone sake a clean break is the best, the pain of letting this continue as is is much more soul destroying and life destroying than letting it linger. In fact if you do this everyone will know their truths. Everyone will be on the same team. I'd rather my ex lover come back much further in the future if he wanted me. Much more trusting of his choices at that time. And who knows, I may have moved along with another partner and then he would have to live with that. It's all so very precarious, these are tiny little hearts. I also ponder the thought of "if one of those most special things about him was no longer available in him for whatever reason, would I still be around?" My own answer is yes, he could be just a head on a table and I'd be there for him. On the other hand if we could not have sex, we'd have to agree to me getting my needs met. I know, that sounds strange, selfish, but if it was me, and he needed to get his needs met, I'd totally allow it. Which to me is love. You could look at that both ways also, if something happens to your wife, are you in? Are you so compassionately in that wild horses could not drag you away? Love vs Attachment. For all us sinners, I think the best thing to do, is give your love and compassion to strangers, to another group, to humanity, these experiences will really really let you know who you are, they'll serve the community and yourself with seeing yourself at your finest hour. Then there will be pain but that will only make you a total person, nothing better than becoming a total person.

can the vanilla sex that is offered be the same? I do not go w/o. However if I do not initiate then I do go without. I have asked, begged and pleaded for her to be more aggressive, tenacious and to allow me to be a little more visceral. I am met with, I'm not that kind of girl. So, is that the same?? There is no desire on my part now and when I do not perform, the question is "is it me?" Well, not you, just what you are doing... Lets do this. Repeat prior comment"Im not that kind of girl". So, now I have met that kind of girl. And everything else to boot. A little different to my wife in other aspects. but I can see spending 50 years with her. Now she cannot take the stolen moments and sneaking around any longer. I have made her want the whole package. I want the whole package. I am just terrified... The best and worst moments of my life. I literally feel as if I am dying. I cant imagine her without me. but cant imagine life without my current family. I am truly lost and afraid that I will never be whole again without her.

Do you actually believe a /lover that says he's having no sex with his wife? These relationships are always ba<x>sed on soooo many lies. My husband has/had a hungarian ***** who he paid money too for years and told her he was in a broken marriage and we had no relationship. News to me! When it all came out in the open it transpired that there were days he had sex with me in the mornings and then met her in the evening! I want a divorce getting stronger step by step to do that and he goes mad as says doesn't want to spilt the family/assets and what right do I have to want to do this (whilst he refuses to drop her and try and fix our problems) I have suffered so much pain as he was the only man I have ever been with (25) years and am not a dependent woman we have a 14 year old son and my husband also refuses to accept in any way that all of this is having a negative effect on him he chose this moral less woman over my son and me on so many occasions and for som many years. At least some of the men on this post have some regret for what they have put their wife/family through. Mine doesn't give a damn but wants to continue to have cake and eat it while I put up with it. Not for much longer though. She was/is 16 years our junior. He did a search saying I'm unhappy and mistress left me( they break up and get back together every 5 mins) if she makes him so happy, go to her and be proud of the choice and decisions you have made can go out in public and be a couple rather than skulk around in the gutter like rats.

I am the "other woman". Reading this story and the comments is comforting for a couple of reasons. One, I know I'm not the only one is this situation and have found a group that understands what I am going through...and most comforting is reading that some men really do fall in love with their other women; that's it's not only about "not buying the cow cuz you're getting the milk for free".<br />
<br />
We have been together for 14 months. I was single (divorced) when we met; he was married with 5 young children. He and his wife have not been happy for a long time. The are room mates, and don't enjoy each other. There is a great deal of stress between them. Even so, when we first started "dating" we both stated that neither one of us wanted a "relationship"...it was purely sexual; a friends with benefits arrangement. <br />
<br />
Well, you can guess what happened...about 4 months in I realized I loved him and found out he felt the same. Leaving his marriage just isn't in the cards for him right now. His wife has always been a stay at home mom so she has no work experience and no skills. His children mean the world to him and if they divorced she threatens to take them back to their home state (they moved to the state we live in for his job). He would lose daily contact with his kids (and he is a great and loving dad) and so much financially if he divorces her. <br />
<br />
We talk in terms of waiting until his kids are grown to finally be together "for real". This is the strongest love I've ever had...I was married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years (together 27) and that relationship was an emotionally abusive one. It was horrible. With my man now we share the same interests, senses of humor, faith, and have the best sex I have EVER had in my life; even now, 14 months after we started it just keeps getting better and better the more we fall in love. <br />
<br />
We text all day long, we talk 2 to 3 times a day, and we see each other about once per week. We live about 2.5 hours a part so getting together isn't as easy as meeting up at the end of the work day but we manage to see each other weekly most of the time.<br />
<br />
I guess this thread is just comforting to me because usually what I read is "He will never leave his wife for you because he doesn't really love you". I respect where he is right now with his family. I also know that we love each other deeply. Is it easy to wait? Easy to be #2 in the worlds eyes right now? Easy having lonely holidays, etc? No, it's not EASY, but it is WORTH IT since he truly is the man I love with all of my heart...and he NEVER gives me any reason to believe that I am not his love also. He tells me everyday.<br />
<br />
We did try to end it once...it lasted 4 days! Making our love public is worth waiting for...for right now he's the love of my life. Thanks to all of you who are going through this also. It's nice to know that my man and I are not the only ones who fell into this type of relationship; it's not anything I ever expected to happen. It started as a friendship, turned sexual, and gradually turned into a very loving relationship. I can't feel that it's wrong...I just believe we need to be patient. Every day that passes is one day closer to when we can be together for "real"...in societies terms anyway...to us we are "real" already...<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening...

Some break up quotes comes to mind..

Which quotes? Or did you mean songs.

I'm in a similar situation right now. Fifteen years ago, I met this married man and we had an affair. After 3 years, I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. Now our son is 11 years old. But just last week, his wife accidentally read my message in one of his social networking accounts and that's were the trouble started. Now we're all devastated. He doesn't want to communicate with me since the wife started making a hell out of their lives. He told me to stop calling or sending messages for now and asked to just wait for him to call. He told me he loves me and our son but it hurts me so much because he doesn't wanna talk to me. Now i don't know what to do. I miss him like hell. All I could do is cry and think of our happy moments together. I really feel sorry for my son. I'm so scared. I don't wanna lose him. I gave up everything for him. I divorced my husband just for him though he didn't ask for it. I did it on my own free will because I love him so much. I know he will not leave his family for us..he made it clear during the first months of our relationship. He told me that if we get caught, it's over. But that was years ago, and now that it's really happening, I couldn't accept it. I don't wanna let him go. I don't know what's going on right now. Do you think he's also thinking of me and my son? I know he's mad right now, the reason why he's saying things that really that really hurts me a lot. But I'm hoping that when he finally comes to his senses, he'll talk to me and assure me that he's not gonna leave us. What should I do? Please help me.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. It is so easy to say, stay with your spouse. Only cowards take the easy way out. You need to ask yourself.......am I staying because I feel bad, obligated. Why don't you deserve happiness?? My love of my life just left, stayed with his wife b/c of the kids. And I am sick to my stomach, after coming back for me after 20 years, he doesn't have the guts to just tell his wife he isn't in love with her! And she doesn't even know, and she has to live with someone that isn't in love with her for the next 10 years? I am so done with men being afraid. If you don't want to have sex with your wife, if you aren't IN LOVE with her, then set the poor woman free. And then contact your love. But, don't continue on the same path.

Ok so here's my comment on the whole "affair" thing! Lots of people say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But I say, "what was missing from your life? What was missing in your relationship?" I am part of the sexless marriages group, and although I do love my husband...something has gone a stray and has been for a long time. My husband and I still have a connection and usually communicate with each other very well, except for this subject! Sometimes it's like we are best friends, not husband and wife. Roommates not lovers! I think that intimacy is a very crucial part to a marriage. It brings two people closer than ever. When it's gone how do you get it back? I know I have been hurting for a long time, thinking it's me! You know like there's something wrong with me, like he's not attracted to me in that way anymore. Sometimes i really wish he would just talk to me and tell me how he is feeling. If the attraction is gone, where do we go from there. I am only 38. I want to have the passion, like I am the only woman that he desires. Maybe you got a taste of being desired in that way, letting yourself go, having fun and laughter again. Maybe that's what you needed. I am not saying what you did was right by any means, and I am sure not one to give advice because I feel lost myself. I hope that you can figure things out and in some way find happiness again.

My situation was a bit different. He was already separated and told me he'd never get back with her, I believed him. But now he has returned to her. I only wish he had been honest about it because he was seeing her behind my back. He was seeing both of us and when he told me after six months in, I left immediately. Before we met, I was single for 5 years, I dated, but no sexual contact. I was waiting for the special feeling that never came with my dates. I have many male friends, but was holding out for a special love. And voilla, there he was and one conversation later, he was on my mind night and day 247 for a month, just talking, but he was shy or seemingly so and never asked for my number. I finally got mad at him and gave him my number and just said "If you want, use it"<br />
A week later, he used it. Then things went oh.. about 500 miles an hour in our lives. I was taken into a dream another world and it was healing and soulful and romantic to the core. It was for the reason for a season, I still can't believe he is gone, but I have so much to cherish, he'll never know, someday he will but not now. He is not mine, I wanted him all to me, an ob<x>ject? No, an earth mate? yes I wanted to get married and just float with him forever. And I'll let everyone know. We would have floated forever, I know that. Which is the sad part. He will have to live in my dreams, soul, heart, creative work, especially my creative work. My soul is already married to him, I will go on, have other men in my life, hopefully find this experience again with a single available man. I have no choice and well, in the end. I am still free, showed up free and leave free. My heart is not dead. It's filled, it's excited, I am still in a wonderful world of bliss and anticipation. Getting over him, I don't even try, that's the lesson in letting go. You just don't, I smile, sing, dance with him in my soul. I'm not letting this go, it's too damned alive. It's amazing when passion takes your life and encompasses it to a new level of "everything only gets better" and it is and it does. I think sometimes, this level of compassion I hold for him may very well lead me to the perfect "single" man. I hope so, I would just love and breath with that. So here's hoping. <br />
However, past the level of passion and bliss I must sadly look at the negative. The negative that I want to identify so as to not get involved with this situation again. Once is too much.<br />
<br />
Firstly he lied to my face. Oh, how could my lover do this? <br />
- He was hurting 2 women, I am a woman, he was hurting my soul sisters. <br />
- He had 2 worlds and they were keeping him happy, he could not look to his inside problems <br />
- He was putting my health in jeopardy, so selfish, so dangerous, for this I find hate for him.<br />
- He had me on his schedule, and I look back and wonder why I would sometimes say "I feel caught in a cage"<br />
<br />
Reading the above posts I find similarities:<br />
<br />
- A sexless marriage - step in up people, if you don't tend the garden of love you get weeds<br />
- Addictions - drugs, booze, co-dependency - mental issues - past issues unresolved - get help professionally it works, keep with the program, it works.<br />
- Men who are in mid life crisis - buy a car, lick it, stick your **** in it, but keep us ladies out of your crisis.<br />
- Sex - biggest thing. Finding someone who will fulfill all those hidden, unmet pleasures. Before you get married, make sure your sex life is all you want and open to more. My sexuality is top priority in my relationships, if it goes out the door, so do I and always will. I guess that's why I'm still single. After finding out there are so many sexually dead relationships out there. God, who needs that? Life is about 2 things.. Career and Sex. Make those work, you have a great life. If you want to get married and have kids you better be keeping both of these up. And if there are problems you better run towards them!<br />
<br />
Note on going back for the kids : I wished to god everyday of my youth that my parents had split up.<br />
I could have maybe been with a new dad who my mom loved and there would have been peace in my life. I sometimes even cry for that missed life. They hated each other, life was hell, full of fighting, and expectations gone unmet. (probably the reason we look for it elsewhere in our later years) Also we do repeat the past. I have, I left, I am so glad some people will never cross my path again. But those ones that you love with your life, those are worth it. But alas, sometimes it's just not thinking before you step into marriage. I am glad I've never done that. Thank god I've never done that!<br />
But going home for the kids, you might want to be a totally different man. My Dad, he's dead now, and that's ok with me. <br />
<br />
What I take with me<br />
<br />
- I have learned to be more feminine, I embrace my new "she" she's lovely<br />
- This man will always be a gift<br />
- I still love men, maybe even more, I've embraced the masculine <br />
- Creativity beyond my wildest dreams, it will serve me well<br />
- Soul work, inner child work, being accepted to get through work, thank you lover<br />
- Joy, empathy, the ability to just be. <br />
- Unreal sexuality revealed, renewed, uninhibited, free and swimming in the sky, thank you lover<br />
- Compassion and Gratefulness - if I can match the way he held me, I'll be in my glory, his tender kisses and hugs fed me like a hungry kitten, He held me the way you want to be held if you were dying. God, that will be the most missed thing about him.. So missed.....<br />
If you hold someone like that, you can save the world. <br />
<br />
How I move forward<br />
<br />
- moving to a new place, already packing <br />
- added more physical activity - all those emotions, dead promises, and no sex has to go somewhere<br />
- creative work, tons of it<br />
- meditation not medication... <br />
- social meetings, friends, family, being around people most of the time<br />
- planing my future with impact, determination getting my life in order in every way, details details<br />
- writing myself love letters, it's been healthy not selfish not egotistical, it's about loving me so I can love others<br />
- holding a new vision, seeing that chair <br />
- allowing only a certain time daily for remorse, sadness, regret. Only a certain amount of time. Like a job, like clock work, until it lessens and I no longer require it.<br />
- studying, learning preparing for exams, remembering career and joy in that career that keeps you moving forward, keeps you alive, gives you purpose.<br />
- visualizing my new love with anticipation and oh.. he's a keeper.

SO, THAT´S IT!<br />
<br />
2 years and 10 months after I first met my mistress, my wife is filing for divorce. Am I happy? No. But I know I can´t stay away from my mistress. Gotta face the facts.

Jesus, it's like reading my own thoughts<br />
<br />
"its like i'm never going to get over it.....???? she is in my dreams, i'm shaking like an addict gone clean, and crying ...."<br />
<br />
"the greatest lovemaking ever, because we were falling in love, and because we deeply understood eachother. " <br />
<br />
"maybe it was meant to be perfect and short lived, and somehow i have to get over this incredible feeling i had with her...."<br />
<br />
I have been seeing my lover since December 2010 and it finished at the end of Jan 2012. I have only been married since May 2010 but she captured me with a single look. <br />
<br />
We work together which complicates things further. She wanted me to make the break in November 11 but I bottled it not knowing how to end things with my wife who has done NOTHING wrong at all. <br />
<br />
Now she has hooked up with her first ever boyfriend who she was with from the ages of 14 to 16. He lives in Cornwall she lives in Kent so its a long distance thing. She has been in contact with him but has only seen him for the first time recently on a long weekend break. I truly broke my heart all over again to point that I proposed stupidly thinking she'd come running. <br />
<br />
She said she was too past it. Like a knife to my already broken heart. Now I'm left in a marriage I don't really want to be in but I don't know why and my heart broken like a ******* schoolboy

I have read a lot of these posts and I searched for a man's point of view on falling for his lover. I have been on the side of the woman. Both married for years, my lover and I deeply in love, but the affair was discovered by his wife and he has been trying to work on saving his marriage. He has a child and is terrified of never seeing her if he leaves his wife (so he says). He recently confided in me that he loves me not his wife and admits that he cannot stop thinking about me. He is tortured. I was and still am ready to leave my husband because I am no longer in love with him. I want to marry this other man. I want to spend my life with him, have his children, have a life together. I have read a lot of posts, mostly from women, and what I have discovered is, women are way more fearless when it comes to leaving a relationship gone sour. We are not afraid to give up our routine for true love - you know the soul mate kind of love. I am so tired of reading about men who are so afraid to just be with women they truly love. I realize I may never have the love of my life IN MY LIFE. So I am unfulfilled, unhappy, and longing all the time, just like he is. I just wish you men would grow a pair of balls or just use the ones you already have to navigate your way to happiness once and for all. Let's face it, sometimes that first marriage just maybe the biggest mistake of your life.

Its a tough call,and unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer.You really have to do some soul searching,and really say to yourself what do I give up so others can have.I have no passion in my marriage and also became involved with a man,I also got caught.We did finally break it off and after three years I still think of him,I gave up my own happiness so I can have the love of my kids.I can tell you no matter who you chose someone is going to get hurt,the question is can you live with yourself in the choice that you will make because once you decide there is no turning back.I'm a true beliver that we should all be happy in relationship,but than I'm a hopless romantic.For me I did the right thing even though I still miss my freind everyday,but i also have a very good husband.I chose to honor my vows,because for me it was the right desision.If you need to talk more feel free to write me private,just remember you are not alone.And who ever judges you let him cast the first stone.<br />
Good luck in you desision.

I need help. Married for twenty years my lids are grown with the youngest being 18. Im a professional and also very involved with church. Met a woman I worked with who is gorgeous, fun and cares incredibly about me, Downside..she's got a really bad past including sex and criminal record. We are sort of opposite. We fell in love three years ago after a eight month relationship. My wife found out after eight months and I told her it was over...but it wasnt. I have dated her for three years and I cannot imagine being without her. We have both tried to break it off but the pain made me physically sick and I couldnt function. I was horribly mean to my wife when lover and I broke off. My wife was sexless but has been sick for twenty years. I FEEL LIKE SH_T! What kind of man does this when he has a chronically ill wife. I often feel like driving my car off the bridge and feel like I was going to do it one time. <br />
Why dont I leave? I cant stand what I would be doiung to my wife. Shes a good good woman and doesnt deserve this. But im in my 50s and for once Im really really happy> I don know what to do. My lover has basically given me a deadline and then shes moving on. Before meeting her, I just tolerated being with my wife. If I lose her, I dont think I could tolerate it anymore. <br />
Because of my position in the community Im thinking of just moving to another state with my unmarried lover and starting new. Im beginning to get physically sickover this...lost 30 lbs and constant stomach pain. What would YOU do?

I am the other woman. Have been seeing this married man for 6 years. in between we broke up for 2 years. we stopped seeing eachother but still cheated emotionally. I met him 24 and he was 25. he was married in high school through pressure from his family when his wife became pregnant. I think he was happy. He loved her but she became cold. They have two sons. And we have a 3 year old daughter. I want to leave him but its so hard because I love him so much. and now we are binded forever through our daughter. His wife knows everything and always has.<br />
<br />
I ignored him this month and acted cold with him because I am starting to get tired of waiting. im getting older now and i want him only for me. he noticed my coldness and immediately came to my house. he was acting very emotional and jealous. he kept telling me he loves me. and that he wishes he wasnt married. he is afraid of me moving on. but i have made up my mind. i am slowly going to pull myself away. hes gonna have to be forced to make a decision. <br />
<br />
just because a man leaves his wife doesnt mean he cant still be their for his children. i love this man so much. he treats me like a queen and our daughter looks so much like him.<br />
<br />
i know that the day i find someone that helps me forget him and we get engaged...hes gonna go crazy. yup i see it already. he will get desperate and interrupt the wedding. i know him. no way in hell hes gonna allow me to walk down the isle with another man.<br />
<br />
until then. he will have to be forced to make up his ming.

I am a mistress falling out of love with my lover of 6 years. We started as lovers and then we fell in love. But for some reason it doesn't feel the same anymore. I know that he is trying to work things out with his soon to be wife for the sake of his children. I encouraged that. It hurts to have a good heart and to be in love with the person that you know you can never have. I loved this man with all my being and I am having anxiety from knowing that I don't want to end it, but that I have to let go. I begged for his time and affection, but then I came to realize that his significant other was asking the same. I let the relationship go, I'm slowly pulling away, keeping myself busy and not being as available to him. I once felt that he was my best friend too. As a single mother with my own two kids, I should have walked a long time ago, but I was single and blinded by great sex. And now I hurt because I have to walk from yet another relationship. I was as loyal and as faithful as anyone person could be and ironically, that's the part that hurts the most. I feel cheated. My decisions lead to my own karma. Make it work! It's better to grow old and tired with company than to do it alone. Even though this <br />
is happening to me, I know life will get better for me someday.

I know exactly what your feeling! I've been there! I decided to stay in my marriage and it eventually ended 10 yrs later. I wasted 10 yrs!!! Life is too short!! You say you love your wife but do you really? Are you happy in your marriage? It's not far to you or your wife to stay where you really don't want to be!! I let the love of my life slip away and stayed in a marriage I didn't want to be in!!! I have regretted that decision every day since!! I'm now in a relationship with a married man who I know loves me more then anything. He wants out of his marriage and I'm gonna hang on and help him. Divorce is never easy even when you really want it. Sometimes you just gotta take that jump. Wether you stay or leave someone gets hurt. It's unavoidable! Follow your heart!!!!

You are not a monster,you are human,We cannot control how we feel if we did we wouldn't be writing about our loss.I also had an affair something I thought I would never do,as my husband is a good man.Its been over now for three years and I still think of him often.One thing you have to understand is that the pass is not erasable its what makes us who we are today,and no matter how bittersweet it is memories were made and its not that easy to forget.Im trying very hard to make my marraige work,as like you I don't want to hurt my family because I want what I can't have.I will never forget him he will always have a piece of heart,and I only want him to be happy.Time will never heal the hurt we feel inside,but we also cannot let it consume us life is to short.Try to go forward a little at a time,I have been trying to do that myself.But look its been three years and it feels like yesterday.<br />
Well take care if you wish to write private you may sometimes talking about seems to help,I have very good friends here in EP that have help me allot when I first was going through it.

I spent the last few days reading all 93 posts in this thread. While it is clear in black in white on my screen that I am not alone, I still feel alone -isolated with no one to talk to who is going to tell me what I want to hear, to tell me to go after the other woman. Maybe I have veered off the right path that far. <br />
<br />
The facts of my situation are pretty simple. I have an amazing wife who was clearly put on this earth to be a nurturing wife, mother, and home-maker. She takes care of everything for me, has an amazing depth of character that is forgiving, sincere, appreciative, and loving. I am her world. My wife knows that I am depressed because I'm in a well-paying dead-end job and I recently decided to short sale the house I bought before we met. <br />
<br />
About 2 weeks ago, my mistress gave me an ultimatum because she explained how much it hurt to be with a married man (she is not married) and could not look herself in the mirror anymore. I want to be with her but something inside tells me we could've worked for a year or two, but then we'd both be hurt, separated, and I'd be full of regret over throwing away what easily could be a very positive marriage. I don't know if the other negatives in my life are clouding my ability to think clearly.<br />
<br />
That said, I am still heartbroken. I spend most hours of the day pining for this other woman who made me feel unlike anyone ever has. We met our sophomore year in college and things didn't work because they're not supposed to at age 20. We went our separate ways and I ran into her nearly 6 months ago. I fell in love immediately and it changed everything about the way I saw my wife. <br />
<br />
I tell myself I am not a monster. I need to be a man and honor the commitment I made before God, Country, Family, and Friends. I do not want to hurt my wife. But the love is gone. I don't know where to begin in repairing my marriage. On top of that, my wife has no clue why I have been so upset. Where do I go from here? How can I train myself to stop longing for someone who isn't good for me? What if she is good for me? <br />
<br />
Thanks in advance.

Am in the same spot, except BF and I are both married to good and caring people... Your GF is lonely, jealous and knows it's unhealthy for her to be with someone who cannot think of her as THE one. She can get away. You would feel brokenhearted and ultimately will be consoled by your nurturing wife and the humdrum of family life.
What difference does it make how long the relationship with her will last? Can you live with a wonderful wife that you don't love anymore, for the rest of your life?
Will your spirit die if you stay? Is that what your kids will get as a role model?
Can you afford it?
I am grappling with all those dillemas too.
I am sending you wisdom, courage and strength (and maybe I'll get some back..)

Marmalade, hi. I was married for 29 years and did not love him for about 25 of those years. I stayed cause I was young, I stayed cause of the kids, I stayed cause someone always needed me!!! 29 yrs later I finally said to myself what are you doing!!!! Do it dammit!! For 25 yrs I was miserable!! I finally left and I'm sooo happy!! It wasn't easy my husband was a real nice guy I just didn't love him.. We were so young when we got married I'm not really sure I ever really loved him. During our divorce process my husband told me he also wished I would of left yrs ago... My staying somewhere I really didn't want to be was also unfair to him. Not only did I wast mine.. He felt I wasted his as well. Now for the first time in my life I'm in love!! Wow what a difference!! I can't turn back the clock I can just look towards my future!! For the first time in my life my future is for me!!

Lost, I fell in love with my best friend and she became my lover. She has waited 2 years for me to leave my wife,but I keep finding reasons not to devorice my wife. She is 27 and I am 46 and her family hates me for being with her. She broke it off with me two weeks ago saying it was because of her family. I think she just got tired of waiting and the pressure from her family finally got to her. I am so lost without her and I feel empty inside. Will this pain ever go away or will I always feel this way? I feel like the world is crashing. She won't take text or call or email. She told me that we would be together<br />
forever now she is gone. Help how do I get past her? I know I have lost her forever and now she is going to move out of state. Help me I am losing my mind.

Hey Hrick, I'm sorry your going through this. I am the other woman and my mm and I have been together for a year now. I love him with all my heart snd soul!! I know we were Ment to be together. He promises me that one day we will and I believe him. I know he truly loves me and I know he wants out of his marriage. But on the side of tow it's very hard for us!! We want nothing more then to be with our mm, share there whole life with them!!!! The pain we feel when you guys go back home is agony!!! We don't want to share you!!! We want 100% and are willing to wait... But there has to be action backing those words that you will one day leave. She did want to be with you forever!! Why did you wait so long?? Her pain was too much to bare also!! She wanted you!!! But since you wasn't doing your part and getting things done. She had to make a decision!
I love my mm with all I've got!! I'm willing to wait, but I'm not willing to wait forever!! The pain is too much!!

To 1977S, I understand what your saying. I never knew she felt this way. If she would have just shared with me what was going on in her mind. I feel like I have lost someone great. It's been three months and I am still hurting. She moved back to her family in Kentucy. She had my best friend break it off me. There was no closure at all. Why would she end it like this. Do you think she is hurting the same way I am or is she just mad. I don't know what to do here..

Hi Trapped,<br />
<br />
Your story sounds exactly like ours. My married boyfriend always said the same thing, it's just a matter of time until he can afford to leave financially. It's just that 18 months for your girlfriend and 12 months for me is a loooong time to be sitting around waiting for the man to leave. It became a matter of trust. I didn't think he would ever finally leave. And the holidays spent apart from him, while he was physically in the same house with his wife. I just didn't believe that he wasn't "playing house" at home. You know, going through the motions of doing things with his wife and pretending to be enjoy them. He said he would "tolerate" the things he had to do with her, for the kids sake and to keep the peace until it was time to leave, but my jealousy and insecurity of imagining them together at a restaurant got the better of me. We got to the point where we argued about this every day, and every week we would stop talking for a few days due to a fight about the same issue over and over. It just got to the point that it was "time to **** or get off the pot for him", and at this time he just can't afford to leave financially. <br />
<br />
I'm just worried that he has settled back into a routine life with her. She's 49 and he's 48 (I'm 38) and they've been together for 23 years so I figure that there may not be fireworks going off but maybe a peaceful existence and home life. I feel as though he's forgotten about me, though he says he'll never love anyone as much as he loved me and not even in his honeymoon days with his wife was he as happy as he was with me. So sad! No, I've not gotten over him. We've had no contact for 2 1/2 weeks (the longest ever). I told him some very mean things this last time in the hope that he wouldn't contact me again. And also his wife did find out about us (she was suspicious for a very long time, duh) and finally called me. I did not say much, but did say enough to make her think he was not being completely honest. I also opened up my FB pictures and his daughters saw them all. So yeah, big drama and I guess he had to relax and be a good boy in order to avoid getting kicked out while he's been suspended from work for the last two months (and uncertain of his work status going forward - he's a cop). <br />
<br />
I'm afraid of reaching out to him for fear of rejection since he might have made the decision to stay home for good. And also because I assured him it was over this time, how stupid would I look calling him back and going back on all the threats I made. But boy do I love and miss him. Maybe your girlfriend is dating other men in the hopes of forgetting about you. I know I've tried, but if he called me back right now and asked for another chance I would be give it to him in a heartbeat.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry, I hope it gets better for both of us. Thank you for your encouraging words that maybe he still thinks about me and is suffering as much as I am. My heart is broken and it really sux!!!<br />
<br />
Please stay in touch, our stories are very similar. :-(

Hi Penny,

Sorry I removed all of my posts. I am now beginning the process of trying to wipe my slate clean. Wipe away my memories.

The other night I surprised her and her friends at a bar I knew they would be at. Her friends got pretty drunk and one of them finally told me that there have been other guys in her life the whole time we were together. Most recently one that she blatantly lied to me about. They said to me "What did I expect?" I am married after all so why should she be faithful to me either?

Tonight I had confirmation. Tonight I got closure. Tonight I finally was confronted with the fa the fact that she never truly loved me at all. That she has been with other men, probably the entire time we have been together. Tonight I waited at her place and she finally showed up with the other guy. She didn't even give me a glance. They both walked past me like I wasn't even standing there. I begged her to open the door so I could just tell her goodbye. She finally came to the door. Looked at me like I was the most pathetic person on the planet and said "What?! What the hell do you want from me?!"

So what was the plan? Convince to me leave my wife and kids one day just to turn around and dump me? I am such an idiot. Such a fool. How did I let my life get so ruined? How could I put this person before my family? How could I ever believe that there was a future?

Trapped, what ended up happening?
Your story is so eerily similar to mine, I was confronted today with the fact that the woman I loved more than anyone in my life, who I thought could be my soul mate, that I Thought of leaving my wife and kids for....was living with another guy for the last 4 months!

This wound is so fresh for me, I just found out this morning- her response to me was pretty much identical- What the **** do you want?

So many conflicted feelings, was it all a big lie for her to just take advantage of me?

Anyway- just curious since it's been a while for you, what ended up happening?

Hi Trapped, I am in the opposite predicament. I am the other woman who left my married boyfriend after one year (two weeks ago) for reasons similar to what your girlfriend was going through. My married boyfriend promised to leave every month, only to keep moving back the date for every reason under the sun. He too has kids, 2 daughters who are 22 and 27, though they influence his every move and decision. They have threatened that if he leaves his wife (their mom), he will lose them forever. He feels so much pressure from his family to stay married that it's very difficult for him to walk away from them. He also doesn't have the financial means to support two households (his wife is currently unemployed and he supports his 22 y/o daughter as she is in nursing school, paid by him). He makes just enough money to cover the expenses of his current house and would not be able to move out on his own and much less contribute financially to any household that we could establish together. It's a real mess, but we too were soulmates. The love we shared was like nothing else either of us have ever felt. However, I could no longer accept that the man I love went home to another woman every night (he's been in and out of his house for 7 months like a revolving door) and that he had an entire other life (daugthers and extended family) that I had no belonging to. As did your girlfriend, I also broke it off with him (for the millionth time) in a very upset state almost three weeks ago, but this time said terrible things to him (which I really don't mean) and told him that if he ever contacted me again I would be sure to tell his wife more than she already knows and suspects. <br />
<br />
I want you to know how much I still love him and think of him every second of the day. We have had no contact with eachother this time around, and believe me it does not get any easier as the time goes by. I tried to convince him that life is too short to be with someone that doesn't fulfill him the way a spouse should, but in the end there were too many circumstances that kept us apart. I really don't know what the future will hold for us, but I always wonder if he is hurting as much as I am. I just wanted you to have the perspective of the other woman/girlfriend, that as mad as we are and may have been the one to break things off with the married man, most of the time we still care and love very deeply. <br />
<br />
If you want to communicate more and share our experiences please let me know. I too would be very interested to hear how the married man is feeling. I was wondering whether he just went back home and is trying to settle back in, but maybe he still misses me. :-(<br />
<br />
Take care and I wish you the best in making some very difficult decisions!

I too have the similar story. I have had a mistress for 4 years, where good people in a sexless marriage, need for love, longing, touch, I wanted her, but for financial reasons, just couldnt get it together. I tried, and moved much along a slower track, I guess, and here the week before Christmas and our first one together with her and her family, she felt, I was not majorly sincere, she says. She just said its over, and I said good luck to her, and left. Now what do I do? How do I feel this void. My present mate, is not "a touchy feely" person, mostly just business. I love her, not everything she did, not a neat home, but someone, who hugged me always, kissed me always, had sex anytimg always, and drama with her kids out the wassoo.. Hope others can give me advice.

Hi all! <br />
I'm so surprised that so many people all around the world experience similar issues, have same questions, seek for solutions!!...no one seems to have an answer though!! It seems to me that through this site all we can do is just share our story and feel, at least, relieved knowing that we are not the only ones who feel trapped!!<br />
<br />
Here is my story:<br />
I'm married, 4 years now, (been with her for 10 years) with no kids. Recently, I met a very attractive woman (she came as a customer to my office), and we both immediately felt that the moment we met was the beginning of something very strong! This happened around 2 months ago, and until recently we would meet occasionally at several places, have sex, talk, laugh, kiss....I have never felt like that in my life! <br />
<br />
Although my wife is the most wonderful and kind person, I can't resist to this other woman!! And it's not only that...we have so much fun together...i just love her personality!...I want to be with her all the time!!<br />
<br />
Now this other woman, who is also married and has a 3yo son, moved back to her country (she was here alone with her son for months) and has plans to return here and stay here with her whole family. Since she left we write emails all the time, we send text messages and sometimes speak on the phone. However, she has announced to me that she is pregnant again (100% from her husband), and she has decided to keep the baby...her husband was here to visit her and obviously had sex with her. She told me that she wants to be with me, but it's too hard now....and this is killing me!! We agreed that she will visit me next month for a few days, and I don't know what will happen after that.<br />
<br />
Right now, I feel even more confused...I can't control my life, I can't concentrate...all I do is just think about her and hope she comes back to me!! <br />
<br />
The thing is that I have realized I have met the woman of my dreams and I can't help but comparing her with my wife. And of course, this other woman is who I want to be with!!!...I really don't want to hurt my wife...she doesn't deserve that!!! On the other hand, I feel so happy being with that other woman....i'm so trapped!!!I'm so desperate!! I don't know what I should do!!<br />
<br />
Any comments will be more than helpful, in my attempt to clear up my mind and do what it has to be done!!<br />
Thanks a lot....

Listen, I am going thru this very issue today. I broke it off 5 months ago and there is not an hour that goes by without me spending tears and heart aches over this girl....I still pray to god to give me the strength to leave my wife and allow me to spend the rest of my life with this woman.<br />
<br />
I came from a 15 year sexless marriage with an unfaithful wife and swore I would never, ever do the same thing to another person ever. Then life punched me in the gut. I met this woman 21 days after I got married and I see her every day. She is soi love with me she left her husband and child's father to be with me and my morals would not allow me to leave my childless marriage.<br />
<br />
Please I am begging,I need to have some answers and comfort in knowing what I did was actually the right thing. Evern then I do not believe doing the right thing is always doing what is right. I have done my wife a disservice, my soul mate a disservice and myself a disservice and there are many days I wish to be dead than to be without her.<br />
<br />
She always asks me to be happy for her in her relationship to a new guy and I can only cry....<br />
<br />
<br />
PLEASE HELP ME????!!!!!!!!!????????

I am very glad I found this exchange. I have been married for 11 years and have two sons, ages 10 and 7. I love my boys more than life itself. My lover and I have been friends since college, for about 20 years. We've always had feelings for each other, but nothing ever came of it. I guess you could say the timing was always bad. Still is, I guess. Anyway, about 7 months ago our friendship blossomed into something more and we became lovers. She was married at the time, too, but her marriage recently ended. The marriage dissolved under its own weight, but I am sure I was a catalyst. She is now moving back to our home state with the hope that we will be together.<br />
<br />
I want to be with her more than anything. I have no doubts that we were made for each other. She is all I think about. She is all I want. If it weren't for my boys, I would be with her in a heartbeat. I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She became suicidal and had a breakdown, spending time in a pyschiatric ward. After that, I lost the stomach to go through with it. More specifically, before her breakdown, we talked logistics and it became painfully apparent that she would move a few hours away with my kids and the impact on my boys, both emotionally and standard of living, would be dramatic. I would put my kids' happiness ahead of my own, but know that years from now, when they are grown, I will regret staying, if I do.<br />
<br />
My lover will be stopping by soon, on her way to her family's house on her move back. We will talk about what she is going to do; look for jobs near me if I am going to leave, look for jobs anywhere if I'm not. She has said that she is going to start dating soon if I'm not leaving soon. I understand that. I don't want her to be lonely. She didn't divorce so she can be alone, but the thought of her dating makes me sick to my stomach. I can think about my wife in bed with another man and I'm not bothered at all. I think about my lover having lunch with another guy and I cry. I almost hope we get caught so that my wife will end our marriage, kind of like having someone push you out of a plane when you want to skydive but are too scared to do it yourself. <br />
<br />
I don't know what to do. I am sick and sad all of the time. I think about hurting my lover or losing her and I cry. I think about hurting my sons and I cry. I feel like I am in a nightmare. I do know one thing though. If I can't leave my wife, my boys will be grown up one day years from now and I will be left in a marriage I won't want and regret not being with my lover every single day for the remainder of my life.

Okay, here is my story. I met this woman about 7 years ago and became friends with her family. She was married at the time. I knew that we liked each other's company from day one as if it was love at first sight. Nothing happened for a long time but 2.5 years ago we became sexually involved and began to talk a lot on the phone and by email. We have the same interests, likes and dislikes, etc. I feel as if we are soul mates in more ways than one and the intimacy is just incredibly exhilirating. <br />
<br />
Six months into our relationship she divorced her husband and we have been seeing each other ever since and I meanwhile stayed married and yes, I lied to my wife this entire time and cheated on her with this woman. The woman in question knew that it would be at least two years before I could divorce my wife, and she stuck by me this entire time, although we have numerous arguments about my timing, etc. But we always managed to reconcile and keep the relationship going.<br />
<br />
A couple of months ago my wife caught me at her house, we we not doing anything at the time she walked in on us, but this incident caused her to be very cautious and untrusting and rightfully so. But this incident opened the door for us to discuss the disconnect in our relationship and that it has been disconnected for at least 4 years or longer. Eventually I moved out about 10 days ago and we were headed for divorce. <br />
<br />
Her parents came into town to visit her and be with their daughter, I came to visit them and talk about the eventual divorce but instead the conversation turned into recinciliation and forgiveness, but in order for that to be wholesome, I told my wife the truth about the affair and the length of it... I told her everythung, I mean everything and every detail and I answered every question she asked with utter honesty. <br />
<br />
She said she needed time to think about all the new information and wanted to talk to her parents and our two kids who are 27 and 21 years of age.... we have been married for 26 years.<br />
<br />
After 5 hoursnofndeliberation she called me asking me to come home to talk to her. To my surprise she said she is willing to forgive me because she wanted to keep the family unit together and rebuild our marriage. Her father is a Lutheran Pastor and obviously forgiveness was what I think he encouraged my wife to do if that was at all possible.<br />
<br />
She said that she still loves me and that I was lost for the last couple of years and now I have been found and we both will work on rebuilding our marriage. In the heat of the moment I agreed and told my mistress that it was over and that my wife and I have agreed to reconcile and rebuild the marriage of 26 years. Obviously my mistress became very angry and couldn't believe her ears, because she said she waited on me the last couple of years and everything to plan a future for us together. This wholemepisode made me sick to my stomach because of the hurt I have caused my mistress, whom I love so very much and I also realized the pain I have caused my wife.<br />
<br />
I moved back into the house and trying to carry on a normal life ever since, which Nos has been 10 days. But I must tell you that the last 10 days have been nothing short of a living hell. I can't sleep, I can't eat and can't even do any worthwhile work. I think about my mistress, my love all the time because she wasn't only my love, but my soil mate, my next friend, my buddy, my whole world. Even my wife summarized it beautifully when she told me that I must have felt that I was married to the other woman for the last 2 years and i confirmed this and told her that was exactly my sentiments.<br />
<br />
I even told my wife this morning as we were both still laying in bed that I still have very string feelings and still love the other woman. I don't want to hurt my wife anymore and i certainly don't want to cause her additional pain, humiliation and embarrassment but I'm having hard time telling her that no matter what we do and no matter how hard we try, I'm not happy and my heart, soul and mind is with the other woman. <br />
<br />
My wife tells me that the other woman is nothing but bad news and that she is manipulating me and pulling my strings. But how do I know if I'm really following my heart and that I truly love this woman and once it is all said and done, and once the honeymoon is over I would find myself in the arms of the wrong woman and that I would have lost my forgiving wife. I feel so empty without my love and think about her always and sick to my stomach. I was sick and not feeling good yesterday, but I was able to see her from a distance during an event and i immediately felt so much better and all my sickness went away. But today is a new day and the sickness is back as well as the feeling of emptiness and loneliness.<br />
<br />
What am I to do? Stick it out for the benefit of the wife or tell my wife that she will be better off without me and with someone who could love her 100%? And i can move on to the person who has my heart and soul?

completely endorse this. The wife is acting the victim here, when she obviously has a one third share of responsibility for what is happening. Affairs don't just 'happen'...the come for a reason, to fulfil unment needs. It looks like this wife is determined to 'win' regardless of what her husband actually feels and is telling her about what he wants. Reckon he needs to have some alone time to think things over and find out what is really in his heart.

i met my mistress 5 months ago it was quite physicall in the beginning she wanted money i wanted sex she is divorced with 2 kids and needs a man ancomfort so i thout she broke with me 4 times i had to beg and offer more money to have her back<br />
she got pregnant last month i wasnt sure i was the owner since i have met a guy in her house before<br />
she made me pay most of the money while i did the taking care of the abortion, it hurts and she asked for more money again<br />
<br />
i ran away fropm her stopped taking her calls but i danm miss her, i am cheating on my wife of 11 years and she is in another country <br />
i have not talked to my mistress in days in a nbid to avoid her but i miss her

I feel for you because I'm in exactly in the same place right now. Good luck.

I'm so glad I've found this site. Yes, I'm in the same situation as most of you seem to be in. I'm having an affair with my first love. We were first loves in Jr High school and lost touch when he went to another school. After 25 years, we found each other again and began just talking. We are both married for 10 years. He has two kids, 6 and 4. I have one daughter 7. The emotional bond was still so strong between us that we both fell back in love with each other. After 4 months of talking, we ended up taking it to the next level. This is the first affair I've had and do honestly believe it's his first as well. We starting seeing each other about twice a month and this has been going on for a year now. He recently broke it off with me because I think he felt I wanted more from him. Maybe I did/do. A little confused myself!! I have never been so heartbroken before in my life the day he said "lets be friend". After a werk of no talking, my lover contacted me again and we started the affair up again. I'm leaving my husband because Im not happy and no longer in love with him. Wasn't happy with him for years before meeting up again with my first love and I want my daughter to see her mommy happy and one day, in a loving relationship. Do I think my lover will leave his wife? No, he doesn't want to lose his kids, which I get...to a point! But obviously we can't stay away from each other. I don't know what will happen between us in the long run but I choose to be happy, with or without my first love. Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage. It's not good for the kids and not good for you. I feel the pain for everyone in this situation and hope that you take a good look at everything. Be fair to yourself first and fair to your spouses and kids!! They deserve happiness just as much as you do!

valoutlaw: smart girl you are.. i've read all of these predicaments and pretty much ALL of them hit home. the cross-roads we all face sure do know how to make you feel like the only person on earth. this thread has taken my blinders off to the fact that i am NOT alone. gonna try to muster up the courage to tell me story. thank you all for your words!