It All Sounds So Familiar Evolved Into a Rant

I stumbled across this website and have been reading through the postings...all of the words are ones I think about everyday.  Resentment, anger, betrayal, finished, divorce, secrecy, sadness, shame.... I could go on and on.  The sexless state of my marriage has been going on for almost the entirety of my of my 15 year marriage.  Should I have left during the first year when he told me that sex in a relationship was like mowing the lawn it just becomes like a chore, probably. Should I have left when I had to beg for sex because I wanted to have a baby, definitely, but by then it was too late.  For the most part my kids are the reason that I stay. 

Withholding sex was the beginning,  after so many years it became withholding money when I stayed at home with the kids he took away most of the money I had to run our household  and when I used the credit card for expenses he canceled that. Withholding companionship over the last few years he goes out with friends until 4-5 in the morning and then is so tired he is a grump and then goes to bed when the kids do if he makes it that long.  This has all been going on for so long sometimes it shocks me that he still has the expectation that I have any interest in what he does, says or thinks.  I have come to  the point where I just don't care and now after all of the **** he has dished out over the years I am the *****.  When you have abandoned your physical relationship to the point that it is some kind of a joke how can you have the expectation of any sort of emotional relationship. 

I have been to counseling and the words my husband and I do not have sex are on the tip of my tongue but they never ever make it out.  I am not sure why, I take medication and when I need to refill the prescription the Dr. always asks, " are you having any sexual side effect" every-time I go in I think this is the time to say no...NO I am not having sexual side effects because that is not possible when you are not having sex!!!  But it won't come out of my mouth I walk away wondering why I just didn't spit it out. 

The familiar words have some comfort, I am not the only person who struggles with this.

anon179901 anon179901
9 Responses May 7, 2009

Anon, <br />
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Sorry to find you here though it is a great resource and support. Read around - you are not alone. <br />
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You've received a lot of good advice - I agree, TALK to your counselor (if you don't trust your counselor, find one you do). And, take steps to be INDEPENDENT financially and socially. <br />
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You have the opportunity for a long happy life in frong of you. <br />
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Good luck!

You are not getting your money's worth out of your therapist if you withhold info. The problem is not with you. Why should you be embarrassed?<br />
He/she hears much worse on a daily basis, believe me!<br />
Give him/her the full scope so he/she can do their job.

one you are not honest with yourself. you belief that what you are doing is right but for what reasons are you punishing yourself. if you are being dishonest with yourself for the children than your wrong because they get(children) the end of the road of mom's emotions and if it's because of financial reasons than it's wrong,, because, maybe he's not happy either. or maybe that the people around you are so happy in there life that you are about this maybe, if you understand what you want out of your husband and communicate it without arguing than maybe he will open up an truly say what makes him unhappy with you as well as what you are not responsing to in the bedroom. remember as we get older some things are overrated sex but also emotional response should be a priorty because life is short and i believe that people want all of the enjoyment in life and not to be short changed if we are imcomplatable. do what is best for you pray,look at yourself and your spouse for the first time in years and than ask yourself is it worth it?

Yes, when my doctor aks the question, "Any sexual partners other than your husband?" why don't I tell him the truth? Having known me for 27 years, he fully expects me to say no, just sex with husband. The truth is I have NO sexual partners & haven't had sex for 5 years. My husband decided sex was no longer a part of our relationship 5 years ago so I am living a sexless life.

Ok Anon... Think about this for just one minute...Would you go into a doctors office suffering from severe chest pains... and tell him you want him to look at a hangnail? Thats what you are doing by not opening up to your therapist. Its time you took care of you... and you can do this.. by exposing yourself to whats really happening in your life. He/she.... it there to help.

The secret is out - didn't it feel good to finally give words to it? I know that as soon as I came to EP, I started feeling better and I told my sister and have been feeling a little better ever since.<br />
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I urge you to tell your therapist - they are there to help you and there should be no shame on your part: your husband is the one with the problem (yeah, it's your problem too because it affects you, but he is the source of the problem).<br />
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Your husband is definitely controlling you and you need to regain control of your situation.<br />
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Sorry to welcome you to this group, but hopefully you will find it as helpful as I have. There are some wonderful people here...

I had exactly the same problem - could not bring myself to tell my counsellor. Felt ashamed, unlovable, guilty, etc. Then I found EP and learnt SO much from this forum. Received support and friendship and was finally able to talk in therapy about what was really happening. Now I've left my marriage.<br />
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I encourage you to get advice, support, knowledge and friendship from this forum. It really helps you to cope. And then to tell your counsellor, as others have said. Only then can you truly move forward.<br />
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Every best wish for a better future.

i agree with Happytime 11: you need to talk about it! tell your therapist. do you perhaps feel the need to "protect" your husband from the "embarrassment" of others knowing? after everything he has put you through, i don't think he deserves it. <br />
as for me, talking about it really helped a lot. i felt such a sense of relief. i realized that by hiding it, i was allowing the situation to go on. now that it is out in the open, i can confront it head on.<br />
it is not something to be ashamed of.

Here it is, it's said, it's out... I am sure/hope it makes you feel a bit if not a lot better. You know now you are not alone, and although all our stories differs, at the core, we all share this pain of living in a sexless relationship!<br />
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My suggestion would be to tell the counselor/therapist next, he will be able to help you make sense of all these emotions, I know it did, well, still is for me.<br />
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Hope you get to find the peace and love you deserve