It All Sounds So Familiar Evolved Into a Rant
I stumbled across this website and have been reading through the postings...all of the words are ones I think about everyday. Resentment, anger, betrayal, finished, divorce, secrecy, sadness, shame.... I could go on and on. The sexless state of my marriage has been going on for almost the entirety of my of my 15 year marriage. Should I have left during the first year when he told me that sex in a relationship was like mowing the lawn it just becomes like a chore, probably. Should I have left when I had to beg for sex because I wanted to have a baby, definitely, but by then it was too late. For the most part my kids are the reason that I stay.
Withholding sex was the beginning, after so many years it became withholding money when I stayed at home with the kids he took away most of the money I had to run our household and when I used the credit card for expenses he canceled that. Withholding companionship over the last few years he goes out with friends until 4-5 in the morning and then is so tired he is a grump and then goes to bed when the kids do if he makes it that long. This has all been going on for so long sometimes it shocks me that he still has the expectation that I have any interest in what he does, says or thinks. I have come to the point where I just don't care and now after all of the **** he has dished out over the years I am the *****. When you have abandoned your physical relationship to the point that it is some kind of a joke how can you have the expectation of any sort of emotional relationship.
I have been to counseling and the words my husband and I do not have sex are on the tip of my tongue but they never ever make it out. I am not sure why, I take medication and when I need to refill the prescription the Dr. always asks, " are you having any sexual side effect" every-time I go in I think this is the time to say no...NO I am not having sexual side effects because that is not possible when you are not having sex!!! But it won't come out of my mouth I walk away wondering why I just didn't spit it out.
The familiar words have some comfort, I am not the only person who struggles with this.