An Affair

People in a sexless marriage talk about wanting to have an affair to ease their sexual frustrations with their low libido spouses.  What exactly is your definition of an affair?

If you don't love your spouse anymore and your spouse doesn't love you, shouldn't you just get a divorce or separation and end the relationship?

If you both still love each other but you just need more intimacy and sex in your life which your spouse is not able or willing to provide, is it an affair that will satisfy your needs so you can stay in the relationship with your spouse without as much frustration?

Does an affair have to involve love?  Does an affair have to be a secret from your spouse?  Can an affair be just someone you connect with physically like a friend but not an emotional replacement for your spouse?

I'm sure this subject will be different for everyone based on your own issues and situation but since we seem to talk about this a lot, I was just wondering what the definition of an affair is for everyone.

h2oguy2du h2oguy2du
51-55, M
12 Responses May 11, 2009

LOL, thanks for the compliment Enna, given that my mind is prone to rambling, kinda twisted and usually fouond in the gutter.

Wow Lao! I'm falling in love with your mind! You have such a GREAT way of saying things. Thank you.

I would agree that most of us who have been in this intimacy deprived limbo state really miss the feeling of being deisred, wanted, not only in the heat of passion but the smouldering embers sense as well. Its most definitely more than just the act of sex. What's missing is the relationship, the connectedness and the sense of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. Its the safety to be vulnerable, to be accepted, flaws and all as opposed to feeling rejected, turned away when seeking such a reconnection with someone whom professes to love you completely and unreservedly. So, the simple word affair encompasses a certain complexity and depth.

I have been having an affair - deliberately sought it out when I decided I could no longer live without sex. I've had a lovely relationship (FWB only) with a very nice man in the same position as myself. But I've now chosen to end it - because altho' it has been great having sex (!!), the FWB nature of our relationship is not enough for me. I need the emotional connection.<BR><BR>I certainly don't have a problem with having an affair in terms of breaking marriage vows - if you are living in a (long term) sexless relationship. IMHO the sex withholding spouse has already broken the vows that bind.<BR><BR>But you may find, as I did, that sex is not enough on its own.

My definition of an affair is any relationship, emotional, physical, or both, that happens without the consent of your partner.<br />
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I happen to believe that plural marriage and plural relationships, as long as all are consenting adults, are ok.

Interesting comments. Especially from the men. I didn't expect such emotional connection comments from males but I think the men in this group are not the stereotypical "wham bam thank mam" type men or they probably wouldn't have joined this group looking for alternative solutions to their sexless marriage problems than to simply having an affair (that's the easy solution).

I too find myself in the same position as KFC and WorkingOnIt. An affair to me would be so very difficult to pull off. I certainly crave the physical attention that is missing from my marriage, and if it were just the physical that not only I miss from my marriage then it might some how be easier to justify. My marriage is so devout of even the little things that it sort of makes the physical almost not important. A simple touch, or smile, a conversation or just being together without the drama of all else that is not right. <br />
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If it were just the completion of the physical sexual act as an alternative to all the emotional connections then it might not be so hard. For me if I do not feel that deep connection with physical, emotional, and a spiritual level then I would rather not have sex at all. I need and desire so much more than just the sexual pleasure alone.

An Affair has to include what is refered to as having a GFE.. (girl friend experience... needs intimacy.. sex... touching... kissing)... sex is not complete without it

reflections3<br />
I couldn't agree more!!<br />
Thank you

Affairs are complicated and in my opinion you have to be the type of person that can really separate yourself in two.<br />
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I completely understand how affairs happen, why they happen and how people are driven to the "arms" of another person. I don't feel comfortable however condoning them. <br />
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I, like Workingonit find all of those "feelings" tied in together. Very hard for me to just have SEX with anyone without feeling something for that person, love, closeness, a connectedness.

Definition of an Adulterous Affair:<br />
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---An illicit, secretive, extra-marital sexual relationship<br />
---A secret, sexual, relationship<br />
---A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other.<br />
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This is how society views affairs and how our spouses would view an affair.<br />
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I believe that affairs come from an unhappiness that someone else helps to heal, with a gentle touch, a smile, a positive comment, a desire for the same emotion, a deep want and need that isn't being satisfied in our personal lives (marriages, that is....)<br />
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An affair takes on many personalities .. according to the people involved. We all have fantasies and act them out in our minds, through the net, and sometimes in real time...<br />
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How can such a simple desire be reduced to such trash when it is discovered by the spouse??? <br />
Because it uncovers the truth of what is really missing in the marriage union and once the truth is out, there it is for both parties to stare at and own as their marriage.<br />
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Makes for good Hallmark of the Year Programs and Movies, but our lives are more than fantasy or prime time entertainment.<br />
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We cannot squash down our sex drives and the only reason we find ourselves in this situation .. talking about affairs .. is because we have a drive ... a need... a normal human want .. that isn't being satisfied .... <br />
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I apologize first for my feelings of wanting to be wanted..... appreciated and respected ... I am sorry to all the refusers of the world that I can't walk their walk ... or talk their talk .. because I am an individual with my own perception of desire and I intend to keep my sexuality and guard it with my very life... Nobody has that right to take that away from any of us .. the refused, the ones who are forced to "ponder" the word AFFAIR.....<br />
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Blessings and Positive Energy is a Blessing

My personal definition of an affair is having a relationship (either sexual or romantic without sex) when you are in a committed relationship (marriage or otherwise).<br />
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Personally, I will not have an affair, but I do understand why others do. I would end the relationship before I go outside for anything (sex, affection, intimacy...). Sometimes I wish it were that easy for me, but intimacy, affection, sex and love are all tied together in my head and I have no interest in sex without a relationship (ok, to be honest there might be some interest!!).