Gone Cold.

 As I sit here tonight I feel dead and cold. It never used to be this way. Ever since I lost it at the tender age of 16 I loved sex. Everything about it, the touching, the kissing, the warmth of someone's body next to you. I miss that terribly so badly I feel pain in my heart.

I have now been with my partner six years. The last three have been almost sexless. We have had sex three times in the past three. One a year. One of those resulted in our gorgeous baby who is now just one.

 I feel hopeless. I have worked hard to get back into shape. I dry myself after a shower in front of him to try to arouse something but he continues to lie on the couch ignoring me. And yes I have talked to him about it. He says bills and the baby and stress are all too much and sex just isn't on his mind.

 I have now moved to a different area and just see him on the weekends. Not a seperation just for financial reasons. He stays near his work and I own a unit too far from his work. I thought this would help us miss eachother but he has only sent me one sms saying I miss you and thanks for a gorgeous baby. It was quite a big deal for him. He has never said "I love you" and is not at all expressive.

I probably will never leave him. I have no family and I want my daughter to have her father and his family in her life. If I left that would be it for me. He would not want to know me. He is Greek,traditional and ten years older. I'm am just so sad and scared to think of a life without sex. I am only 35!

platonic platonic
6 Responses May 17, 2009

Get out now! You have done everything you can do and you will only suffer. I lived with a refuser, left him after 2 years with no sex. He was a great man but I needed more. If you want to remain somewhat friendly with your child's father, get out before you hate him. My ex and I have remained friends over the years. I gave up on him a long time ago and I have no interest in him physically anymore. I thought maybe we were only meant to be good friends after all and I am fine with that. A while back he had the nerve to try and kiss me. I told him I couldn't and he backed off. Then a few months later he asked if I wanted to have sex. I was angry. I wanted to yell, "Now you want to have sex, with me!" Too f-ing late!" I wasn't good enough for you then but I am now? Now that you are not in a relationship with me?? I can't believe how angry I still am.

Hello, myparents divorced and I still see both of them, it was the best thing that ever happened to our 'family' and allowed us to stop pretending at playing happy families and enjoy life. My brother and i have a very good relationship with both parents and everybody is much happier with them apart than we were when they were together , think about doing what is right by you and your child and leaving this man.

Dear Platonic,<br />
please don't give up on yourself or your own life! I totally agree with the posters above. All of us here know how much this situation eats into our self esteem. When your self esteem is low you lack confidence to grasp your life in both hands and make it happy again. But it can be done!<br />
<br />
Dear girl, you are only the same age as my daughter. I cannot bear to think someone as young as you is ready to give up on a life of fulfillment and happiness. Please consider leaving your husband now while your child is still very young. It will be less difficult to do so at this early stage of your child's life.<br />
<br />
It is very sad that your husband is a refuser, but it is very unlikely he will change. They rarely do - and only when THEY really want to. We cannot change them by wishing it, unfortunately.<br />
<br />
We are all here to support you - please visit whenever you need to. You are in my thoughts.

Hi platonic,<br />
You can be sure that everyone in this frum feels your pain and can empathise so well with your situation. We all know just how you are crying inside with disbelief that it has come to this. We all try to cope without the sensual, tactile, excitement and physical satiation which can come from a living, breathing sexual human being. In reality we spend a lot of our time just feeling emotionally and physically dead as our sexual yearnings are so great and they are not being met by our partners. You will find both men and women in this forum who are still tearing their hair out with frustration well into their sixties. You are still relatively young and could find happiness elsewhere so separation is always an option. One third of marriages end in divorce and a lot of these are from partners having mismatched sexual drives. Even in 50 years time you will probably still need cuddles and affection from an appreciative man and this is well over double your sexual history to date.<br />
Your husband realizes that there is a sexual mismatch between you so tries to find reasons why he cannot satisfy you so that it will appear not to be his fault. When I personally am under greater stress it actually makes me need tenderness and affection and sex more from my wife. When I am feeling unconfident and vulnerable I crave sex even more as it is a great relaxant and alleviator of stress. When our children are hurt we give them a hug and greater reassurance that we love them; we don't bannish them from all contact so why should we treat our partners any differently? <br />
You will find so much compassion, advice and understanding from this group so I'm so glad you found us.

oh platonic - you've left already, make it formal and move on with your life<br />
<br />
supaglu is right - you deserve happiness and to be loved in the way you want<br />
<br />
my thoughts are with you x

Hey..................I am sorry you are going through this...I stayed in a marriage way past its due by date and it took its toll on me there was on sex, no friendship, I kept going for the kids but now when I look back I knew I should of got out sooner...........................it takes its toll on you and you think you are doing the right thing but you also need to do it for you too......................you need to have happiness too.