From All to!

Where to start...   Firstly I am just pleased to find a site that has real people with the same problems as myself.  It's almost like a breath of fresh air!   I have just read a story where someone called this 'problem' a diet that someone else controls, how true!  We grab any scrap that is thrown our way, only now I am wondering if the scraps are even worth the pain of wondering why and wanting.  I am lost for words, my thought are muddled, I have so much inside wanting to come out but just don't know where to begin...I know the beginning is usually a good start lol   I have been married to Hubby for nearly 3 years, we used to have a very healthy sex life.  I am in my mid 30's, H is in is early 40's.  While we 'dated' sex was good, in fact it was fantastic.  We moved in together and of course sex wasn't all the time but we made an effort and spent time together.  We then got married.....  sex has pretty much stopped.   Ok, a bit of background....  When we married 2 days later my husband left the country to start a new job, as you would imagine it was upsetting but we knew this was happening and life goes on.  We had our plan and that was that.  3 months later I followed him.  You would think after just getting married, not seeing one another for 3 months being close would be important?  Well it seemed it wasn't for my H.  It has been down hill since.  At first I put it down to stress as he was under a lot of pressure at work.  I tried not to say anything, I do still try not to say anything, it gets me know where.  Sex is sporadic, though it seems to be approx once ever 4 months, and then it's as affectionless, it's almost as if he feels obliged to do his duty as a husband.  The way I feel afterwards is cheap, I am worth more, I deserve more, so why do I put up with this 'waiting for scraps'?   H claims he just doesn't seem to want sex, he says it isn't me.  At one point he told me to go look else where, he didn't mind!  The hurt that caused me was immense, am I worth so little in his eyes?  I have tried to be a good wife, I am not perfect.  I have been offered sex, I have been offered affairs I have even had a declaration of love but it's my husband and marriage I believe in, not messing around, it won't solve the problem in the long run.   How can a man go from loving having sex to not wanting sex at all?  Is it something I have done, is it the fact I put weight on, (I have since lost it again) do I look wrong?  It's as if he doesn't notice me anymore.  I feel like a maid who shares his bed, he thinks this is me being 'silly'.  He rarely holds my hand, I get two pecks a day during the working week, nothing at the weekends.  I cannot remember the last time he gave me a proper kiss, I know it was over 18 months ago!  He cuddles me about once every 3 months and quite often I have to ask for it.  I have tried instigating things but he just says he is not in the mood or tired.  I have tried the 'lets just cuddle up in bed' it worked once, I feel as if he shrinks when I go near him so have stopped even trying, it hurts too much.  We go to bed, I switch my light off and try to sleep, he reads and presume has a sigh of relief when he knows I am asleep.   If I am honest, if we still lived in our own country I would maybe have left him by now.  I have tried to talk to him I have also said that I may end up leaving and it doesn't change anything. The pain and upset this causes me is changing me and not for the better.  I  have no where to turn as the country we live in doesn't have any help for situations like this.   I tell myself daily it is not me, it is not my fault but the doubt is always there.  Surely after so little time things shouldn't have got so bad.  How am I meant to spend the 'rest of my life' with a man who just doesn't understand that having a sexual relationship with his wife is healthy and that as a woman I need to feel wanted in all ways by him not others.
StandardAngel StandardAngel 36-40, F 8 Responses May 25, 2009

Your Response


wow, CPAguy! your recommendation to write a letter to one's spouse, explaining how the situation hurts you, is really a good idea. it takes a lot of courage to be able to open up like that to someone who has hurt you.


I know things won't get better on thier own. The only way things will change is if H goes and gets some form of help.

Acceptance...which part am I to accept when I don't know why things have gone the way they have gone? If he could, or if someone could say, 'this is why....' then learning to accept would be an option. Not knowing why things have turned this way is the reason I cannot accept things the way they are.

I know I won't wake one morning and all will be well. I am a realist but I also have hope and believe in fighting for my marriage.

While I fight I shall be on here moaning! lol

All peoples views are refreshing, just being able to communicate with others going through the same helps.

Baker998....I never thought of books, I will have to wait till Xmas to get anything as we cannot buy books here of that type. But, I will do some research before then.

Thanks both for your kind words.

Its gotta be tough being in a strange country. Then matters get more complicated by this.

Maybe sit down... and write him a letter. Make it so that he can see and read what it feels like on your part. Make possitive suggestions that will improve the relationship. Another suggestion may be to find one of the many books on improving relationships and see if he will read it. It may be a start in a country that doesn't offer the councelling you both need to get the relationship back on track.

good luck in your future

I'm concerned about your last sentence, that it will all fall back into place sometime. I'm not suggesting you need to leave your marriage or have an affair, or anything at all. But, I don't believe it will just get better on its own. You are here because you want to find a way to deal with it. Maybe it is counseling or coming to an acceptance... there isn't one answer.

I don't mean to preach, just throwing a word of caution in case I read correctly that you intend to be passive.

I know where you are coming from Josephy.

This is actually my 2nd marriage, I fought for years to save my first but in the end I had to walk away to save myself and daughter, (my ex hubby abused me mentally)

It took years to trust again and especially with having a child. She is my world!

My daughter is one reason I will not leave. She is at high school and half way through crucial years. Moving her back to our home country would destroy her. At the moment she is settled, happy in school and doing well. Having already been through one divorce with me and losing her dad, (he chose never to see her again) I just couldn't put her through such an ordeal.

Some days I say...just wait, once she has finished her education I will be free. That is a minimum of 3 years yet, a max of 8.

It's sad how we end up looking for time lines of when we can 'run for it' while we think of others and yet we are so deeply unhappy.

I like you will do anything to make sure my daughter is happy and with that comes a price, is sex a price though? It's more the closeness I miss.

It's up to my husband to want to 'fix' things and he just doesn't seem interested. He says he works at our marriage by going to work and providing for us, being here in the evenings and spending time with me, (watching tv).

There is no point in arguing with him over this as yes he does provide and provide well but I would give it all up if I could have the man I met back.

I just keep telling myself...things will be fine. One day it will all slot back into place....

I read once where most of us are really screwed up when it comes to love. It is human nature to be selfish when it comes to love. We want the other one to love us a certain way, and if so, we will release our love for them-- that sort of thing.

What I'm saying is, there is nothing you can do to fix your husband. There is nothing I can do to fix my wife. All we can do is give them our best and hope for the best. At least, that is my take on it since I am married and have a 5 year old child. I will endure anything for my little girl's sake. I don't want her to ever experience a divorce of her mother and father.

I hope that doesn't seem "preachy". I think I am writing it to convince myself more than you. :)

Hi Josephy

Thanks, I try not let it get me down but like you say, easier said than done.

Admire me's a shame hubby doesn't see it that way. I believe in marriage and I also believe if someone wants something to work they will do all they can. So why doesn't he?

He is a good man. I wish he would just try, I do, hard, everyday. Yet everyday gets harder.

Hi Standard Angel. I echo your sentiments about finding a place with real people who also share real problems. Funny, but my story sounds similar to yours in some ways. But, then again, when you read through this site, you will notice hundreds and hundreds of other people going through what you and I are going through.

I admire your dedication to your husband, even though he doesn't seem to echo that. I hope that things will work out for you. I will give you a piece of advice that I give myself often in regard to my sexless marriage ---

"Don't start blaming yourself. Keep your chin up and don't let anyone get you down."

Easier said than done, for me at least. But, it is the right advice.

Take care.