Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Wife Has No Desire

My wife was sexually abused as a child.  This has caused devastating effects on our marriage and her life.  Deep down, my wife is afraid to love.  She grew up in a home where if you didn't take care of yourself, you weren't taken care of.  Her mother died at an early age, leaving her father to raise three children by himself.  He didn't do a very good job of taking care of them however.  Mostly he left them to fend for themselves.  He might buy groceries for himself, but not for the family.



Anyway, getting back to the topic of this experience.  Although we had a decent sex life when we were dating, it went downhill after we were married.  It actually started going downhill before we were married, but after we were married it really became bad.  In the past year, we have had sex twice, and let me call it having sex, not making love.  When we do have sex, it is of the lets hurry up and get it over with variety. 



Only once in her life did she admit that she was abused as a child.  At this point in her life she tends to act as if it never happened.  She refuses counseling of any sort, although she has agreed to see a Psychiatrist for medication.  However, even that is problematic because she is never honest with the Psychiatrist, she tries to pretend that everything is just fine.



Anyway, that is my story.  Thanks for listening.
stinkcat_14 stinkcat_14 41-45, M 199 Responses Aug 31, 2006

Your Response

Cancel

Having a wife that is mentally ill, I feel your pain. Fortunately, my wife takes her medicine and will go to counseling.
I am curious as to what the psychiatrist's diagnosis is. If it is PTSD, that is best cured with therapy, not medicine. Also, many psychiatric medicines diminish sexual feelings.
If you can, see if your wife will go to the psychiatrist with you. Tell her that you are there to be her advocate. If she doesn't agree, write or email the psychiatrist what you observe. Legally, the doctor cannot even acknowledge that your wife is a patient of his/hers. But he or she can read what you write.
There are resources out there for setting limits with your wife's behavior. Look for any NAMI Family to Family classes in your area. Check out Xavier Amador's LEAP program.
I facilitate a family support group, and I have learned one truth. It is no one's fault that they have a mental illness, as it is no one's fault they have a cold. However, a person with a cold is expected to blow his/her nose when it runs and cover his/her mouth when coughing. A mentally ill person is responsible for acknowledging the illness and seeking treatment.

Wow, your story describes my husband exactly. He refuses to admit there are issues, refuses to be honest with the therapist and is in denial.
If they don't want help, there is not much we can do to help them. It's extremely frustrating.

I am in a very similar boat, brother. My wife is in therapy now, and I hope it helps her to sort through the same things that your wife is facing. Some of the folks on here are a bit naive that have commented.....listen to some of the others who are experienced with this. No offense, but most people under the age of 25 can't begin to understand what 10+ years in a sexless marriage is like, no matter what books they read. I don't know your whole story, or how long you've been married, but if you are a decent guy like I am, you've been patient beyond belief for the last few years.

She may never feel ready to talk about this....and if she doesn't, it will only get worse. Your role as a husband/room-mate/adult family male has gone beyond "support" to "enabling" and that's not a good thing. If she was a abused by a man/boy in her family, it can make it an interesting dynamic: When you were dating, you were attractive to her as an escape, as a way out. But once you married, you became just what she fears from her childhood, an adult male family member. That may explain the sudden drop in sexual activity around your engagement and wedding. It is sub-conscious and she probably has no idea if that truly is part of the issue. She can see you during the day as a guardian or a caregiver, but when the lights go out and you go to bed, she then sees you as someone different....as a male, adult family member who is not to be trusted closely.


Although you are not a stranger (like a therapist would be to her), your communication is horrible, she is not opening up to you physically or emotionally already, and besides that, you are not a trained therapist....you are her husband! Even if you had a doctorate in psychology, you are too close to her to be much help. That's why going to a professional therapist IS the right thing, and the only thing--if she's not up to talking about her past abuse, then at least talk about your marriage and communication issues in couple's counseling. If she loves you, she will go.


However, one thing troubles me about your post....you said that "she is never honest with the Psychiatrist, she tries to pretend that everything is just fine." How do you know that? Did you sit in on her sessions? Did you ask her what it was like as soon as she got home from her appointment, and quiz her? Or did she volunteer the information willingly? Seems unlikely, since she is not readily admitting things to you. I don't ask my wife about therapy....she will tell me a story or 2 or give me a general idea, but I don't push. That's the whole point of individual therapy....a safe place to talk about your spouse, family history, etc. without them hearing about it. If she's talking about deeply personal stuff, let it stay between her and her shrink....it's her opportunity to open up. You've got her there, but you have to let her decide what issues she wants to bring up.
There will be a time to discuss those things, but that will be in couples' therapy.

Yes, she made a commitment to you, but you made one to her as well. If she was sick and didn't know it or refused to go, wouldn't a good husband take her to the doctor? She is not a "victim," but a sexual abuse "survivor." You are a "secondary survivor." Look those terms up. She needs help and if you are a good husband, you see the danger and will try to get her the help she needs. You cannot save her or your marriage alone, and she can't save herself, either. You both are going to have to give 100% of strength that you feel like you don't have, and you're going to have to go to therapy to save your marriage and your sanity. No book is going to cut it!

The sex issue is NOT your fault!!!! There is nothing you can do or any way you can act that can make her more interested. It took me a while to get that. You also need individual counseling....get you a good individual therapist that you like and he/she can help you come up with a plan to suggest couples' therapy to her and also to work on your issues. You need to regain some strength and wisdom for the months ahead......


You and I are in the same uphill battle, but we can do it!


Good luck!
Indianoutlaw

Probably one of the best posts I've ever read in this regard.

Your point of supporting to enabling is superb. And the point to get individual therapy. And an innate lack of trust preventing intimacy. Secondary survivor. The road ahead and the mutual work needed to get through this.

Outstanding and, I hope, helpful to those with a previously abused spouse.

Keep writing!

Thank you for the kind words, n44wwep. If something I have learned from my EP friends, from my therapist, or from my personal experience is useful to someone else in their journey, I am glad! We all learn from each other's experiences, and we all stand under the shade of trees planted by others. Many of us in ILIASM hope that the pain we've endured will have some small but greater purpose, if only to help others on their journey by what we've learned.

I agree. A different twist on paying it forward. Learn something the hard way and pass that knowledge to others so that they can avoid what you've gone through.

Amazing words of advice. Thank you for this post. I needed this today

I can't believe all that's happened in a year since this post! Thank goodness for EP and ILIASM.....

2 More Responses

I was molested.

2 years after our marriage I told him. Now my problem is different , yes I was molested , but I never let it be a problem with my new life. **** happens to pple and life moves on. I though I can either move forward with the clock or all stay behind... When I was preggo my hubby rejected me of having sex bc he was afraid to hurt the baby... And he felt "weird" and there was time when we were having sex that he went soft and never finished but fake it. We stop having sex for 5 months bc I was preggo... I felt so rejected. So I thought whatever and now I don't like I ask for sex bc of what happend and he wonders why I don't ever want To have sex. I told him the truth and he denied and said I'm over reacting... And today If he wants sex I'm willing... And now lately his hygiene has been pretty bad he doesn't brush his teeth not that he did before and his balls always smells like ****. I enjoy sex with him after he showers...and he plays a lot of video games , that i felt neglected over the years , so I said if I can't beat him join him.....Now I play video games at night like he does. We waste away free times on vedio games instead of spending it on intimacy. so heck whatever. Now that he found out I got molested he put "connected the dot"together saying that's y I don't like sex........ Well, I guess problem solve! I've grown tired of him , I wished he leaves me... I still love him, but what a waste of effort . He will never stop playing his stupid video games, he plays all day all weekends and week day he plays after work all night . Sex time is only when he wants to. His pathetic. I deserve better . But we have a daughter , if I dint have her , I would have her , I would have jet a long time ago.

I was raised in a similar environment as your wife, if not worse. I'm also a psych major. If you want my advice...what shes feeling even after all of this time is totally normal. And it might actually help if you STOP pushing her to get help like that. If someone isn't ready to talk about it to someone that they are close to, then they probably aren't ready to talk to a stranger about it. Also, being afraid to love or even being reluctant to admit to your feelings doesn't mean that she doesn't have them. If she is willing to marry you, that's a hell of a commitment for someone who has been in her situation to make. Even more then saying that she loves you. By doing that, she is putting TRUST in you to not only STAY with her but help PROVIDE SUPPORT if something goes wrong. Which is the exact opposite of what her family did. If i were you, I would consider the implications of that and hold it as a more accurate indicator of her feelings for you than what she is able to share right now. As for sex...from what you've shared in your story I would think that part of it is due to pressure that you may be putting on her without realizing it. When you ask her to go to therapy, you see it as a chance for her to improve emotionally, she could very well possibly see it as an ordeal that she doesn't want/isn't ready to face. Nothings worse on the libido then being in an upset place emotionally. And then on the flip side, if you want to encourage love making in your relationship, stop the full court press. Don't make the first move or be overly affectionate. Check out exactly what she is comfortable with physically right now and think about what she is comfortable doing to you. And by comfortable I don't mean what she will push herself for to make you happy. Once you find out what that is, (and please keep in mind that im operating under the assumption that your wanting to stay married to this woman and are willing to work slowly with her on this to eventually improve your sex life) slow things down and limit yourself to those things for the time being. Now, its important to encourage her to continue these things but try and be patient with her. If she pulls away from you kissing her, then relax and don't try again for a few hours. You want to GENTLY ENCOURAGE not push and its easy to accidentally do so. For example, lets say she likes cuddling with you while you two watch a movie. Cuddle with her for a bit and then maybe scoot over for a bit and put her legs up on your lap. Be the first to pull back so that she slowly starts wanting more. And until that happens, be emotionally supportive. Do those cute little things that women love. Surprise her at lunch or send her flowers at work. Let her know that you still love her. She may feel bad that she isn't able to meet your needs and worries about your commitment and love because of that. Once she feels reassured you may notice an improvement. Don't take advantage of that improvement by thinking that her taking the initiative in a kiss or her being more comfortable with you is a good time to ask for more. It will put pressure on her and make things worse. Reassure her, be affectionate with her, but let her make the first move when it comes to initiating more contact and then when she does, see how far SHE is willing to take it. Don't ask her when that happens, just don't go farther then she is. If shes on third base with you, that's what you should stop at. Another thing that may help is, in bed, (and I know this sucks and may give you blue balls but it may help) but pleasure just her. Kiss her and play with her breasts, maybe bring her to climax (through fingering or oral not sex) and then compliment her. Don't let her do the same thing to you, even if she offers the first few times. Itll suck but after the third or fourth time, if she asks and tells you that she wants to and itll make you happy, then you can let her. Its not fun but that will take the pressure out of it and make her feel like its up to when she is ready to and it may encourage her to be more active in bed. Think of it as a long term investment. You put in a lot now to get results later on. Anyway, hope that these suggestions help. message me if u have any questions or anything. :)

GREAT advice!!! :) I hope he takes it.........

The entristing thing about the BDSM lifestyle is its afect it has on a woman that was abused as a. Child . It is my OPINION that if done in a firm but loving way the PRECEVED abuse will

Trigger a response in the woman that is amasing.

Why did you marry her if she was like that.

I have the same situation, Accept lately she says that how can people be so messed up more than her since she survived rape from an uncle from ages 3-8 while her mother knew and did nothing, esp says this lately when seeing the news and all the messed up stuff, gosh I just keep the TV off watch Amazon Prime and relax. Sex is great and I miss it with her but I don't thinK I will every understand how a woman can have sex to get marriage and establish a family then say no more bc of a rape of childhood, why did she have sex before and now she can't?

Simple, she doesn't love you. Get out while you can.

She had sex before because she was probably desperate to get away from her horrible family. Now, she is in a marriage and feels she can be her real self -- a person who is repelled by sex. She is not interested in becoming sexual person, and she doesn't love you enough to enter therapy in order to find ways of meeting your sexual needs and being a full wife to you.

You can choose to stay with her and continue to be miserable and sexless or you can choose to leave her and set both of you free to live the kind of lives you desire.

Maybe something triggered her memory of the rape. Another possibility is that she doesn't want to have sex with you, and therefore made up a a reasonable sounding excuse. If she was sexually abused, but loves you and values sex, she will enter some kind of treatment to get help. She won't just expect you to be celibate.

so it seems any abuse-whichever has to be talked about before marriage

Leave her. I hate to be so blunt, but if that's the way she is going to treat you and you are doing everything you can to help her, it is time to cut your losses. Life is too short to spend any part of it being miserable. When she asks why, tell her she's broken her vow to love honor and cherish you. And yes, that is enough. Good luck.

What a horrible answer. It appears you didn't hate being blunt, you go a little thrill out of it.

There's no thrill in it for me, believe that. I've been through it, did everything I could, and she ended up leaving me for a drifter/freeloader who somehow "understood" her better. That's what I got in return for 8 years of my understanding and support. Mind you the time spent before we were married was wonderful, just like the OP, and then descended into misery. If she won't get the help she needs it's not up to him to give her happiness, something I had to learn the hard way. If I knew then what I know now, I would have cut ties and moved on with my life much earlier and the pain would have been much less. Waiting for something good to happen in that situation is the surest way to madness. If she chooses to live in denial and not seek treatment for the abuse she suffered, she's ruining the lives of two, not just one. There is no reason he has to bear the responsibility of her bad choices. Thrill? No, not at all. But I will admit that I am still bitter about it, six years later.

Very true. I have friends who were sexually abused as kids -- including by being ritually sexually abused. They got the help they needed in order to enjoy sex, and they have fulfilling sex lives.

Stinkcat's refusal to get help for her sexual aversion means that she's not having sex with her willing spouse. He is under no obligation to continue to be with her since she is not willing to do with him the one thing that makes a marriage different from a roommate relationship.

She is forcing him to be in an abstinent marriage. If he wants to have a sexually fulfilling marriage, he needs to leave her and make himself available for that kind of marriage with someone else. He can't change her, but he can change his situation.

I was sexually abused as a child, to multiple degrees and by multiple persons. I had to fend off unwanted advances as a young child. And so I personally understand the struggle. But no one need to drag his/her past life into the present.

Two steps, first, to acknowledge the pain and the fear. Second, to realize the fallacy of post hoc, prompter hoc. Just because she got sexually abused, does that truly explain her emotions such as fear, disgust whatever it is related to sex? If so EVERYONE who got abused would have exactly the same reaction. But you know it's not true. Why is it that some can move on and some cannot? It depends on the interpretation of the horrible event that happened.

My gosh I struggled. Especially about my physically, verbally and sexually abusive father. But he was twisted, he was sick. But so what? That's the past. I have NO control over the past, but I have every control over how I react to the past and some control over my future.

And sex can be SO beautiful. Sexuality comes in different forms and degrees/intensity. I will have sex the way I feel most comfortable with, no, I will make LOVE to someone. that one person.. I felt that love.. maybe it was oxytocin, whatever, but I felt it. And it was magical, so I want that again :)

I truly respect your honesty and openess: )

Thanks!

The past cannot be changed, but the future has yet to be written. My wife has no desire, nor will she ever again. Why? I don't know, but I do know that she herself is not sure why. She is at a place in her life where human touch is revolting to her. Oh she loves a good hug, but anything more is disgusting to her. She says I am her problem.....so be it. But why the insistence that we never get a divorce?

abiggguy, she probably enjoys the perks of being married -- companionship, financial security, a guy who can help with repairing the house, etc. A more important question is why you choose to stay with someone who finds human touch revolting.

I guess she won. I am now in a position where I need to be taken care of. At least financially. I cannot seem to find A job. I have even tried applying for a position as a box boy at the local market. Nothing! So after 35 yrs of BS, I am letting her take care of me. lol

If you want to be out of the marriage, talk to a lawyer because you might qualify for alimony since you're unemployed.

This make some great sense

Well stated. Finding the pathway, and then letting go of the past, is crucial to future happiness. Looks like you've found that path and have taken it.

Good for you! And a good post for others in the same boat.

5 More Responses

sounds exactly like my life brother. I wish I had known about her past before getting involved... only found out years later after it was too late...

Feel bad for you bro, hope it works out.

I really don't think you're alone. I don't know that my wife was abused as such, but I think there was a sexual assault she thwarted and a family that was anything but loving. Like you, the sex was okay at first but began to falter before we were married.

My wife too was sexually abused as a child. I learned of it after we got married. If I was to shoot from the hip and say why she didn't tell me earlier I'd say it was because she was afraid I wouldn't understand or maybe embarrassed because she is a strong intelligent woman.


I am less likely to jump on the band wagon as far as saying that our sexless marriage has anything to do with that. We had a great sex life for several years. I firmly believe that empty nests, mid-life crises, hormone imbalances and over busy life styles are where the blame needs to be.


Please understand, I think pedophiles are scum of the earth and the trauma they cause is horrific to say the least. I am just very cautious to psychoanalyze someone's loss of sex drive to be a direct affect of what happen to them 20 to 50 years ago.

I agree...I am sure it is much more complex. To say it was her past is probably true, but not just her bad childhood. I would suggest some marriage counseling, but I know how it is when they decide it is not something they want to discuss. I do know in my case, that her lack of desire grew after her Mother died.

I very much relate to your story. My wife was abused sexually from age 3-12 and it didn't come out until about 2 years after married

I went through the same thing. Difference is I had to get counseling and deal with it u can;t have these wounds and do psychology and social work the topic comes up. Sit with her and allow her to talk about it she probably is scared and still feels ashamed. I would also insist she go to a psychologist who deals with sexuality. She has to come to grips and notice she's the victim and she has nothing to be ashamed of so she can finally talk about it without feeling she did something wrong,

I was raped when I was a child and I can relate to this story my husband and I sometimes go through periods of no sex for months but we love each other its just I do need to be able to talk to him or someone because I do feel sad and I have thoughts about it. I have a lot on my plate also I have6 kids I love,take care of and most times sex is rushed or we have to sneak when the kids are sleep or not around I want romance I do want to have the feeling of intimacy I guess I'm getting older and sex is more like work to me I'd rather sleep but I understand sex is a part of a relationship. Be understanding to your significant other who was abused and it will work out if you are understanding it makes making love easier to do.instead of getting upset and only taking your feelings into consideration.

Well, to all the woman who lie about being abused you have a problem mentally to lie about something like that! I don't understand liars! Why not just tell the truth and say you don't want to have sex, what's the big deal we're all adults! That makes me mad because there are woman that have been sexually abused and luring is just plain dumb!

Spell error: not luring, lieing.

1006 is a chatbot, Flagged.

This story sounds almost identical to my wife except for her being abused as a child. Our sex life before marriage was much better than it is now. She was promiscuous in college before we were together and would usually be the one to initiate sex with me. Today she is the polar opposite. I would initiate sex and she would say she is tired, or stomach hurts, or not in the mood, or headache, or kids will be up soon, or kids down the hall, or......the list goes on. Which is funny cuz I can remember her initiating sex when her parents were in the next room, or there was a party going on outside our room, or we were in a public pool at night with hotel windows all able to see us, or in the ocean when people are all on the beach. WTH?!
I wish I had an answer as I am looking for one myself. As sad as it sounds....it is a bit comforting to read other people going through the same thing as me. It makes me feel a little less alone. So thank you for sharing.

She was hunting for a mate, house, and children. (maybe not in that particular order) Once they have their priorities satisfied, to hell with the husband's needs. But I bet she would cry bloody murder from the highest tower in town if the husband would go else where for his needs to be met. (Especially if she is a nice and loving person).

while that is true at times...sometimes it IS the guy...while he may not be able to control it, it may be how his 'performance' is....i know i crave it every day almost but do i ask for it from my bf of 4 yrs....not really....y you ask?....cuz while i love him very much and i do it with him more than 2 times a year....he doesnt last long enough...and im not saying 10 mins...im saying 1 or 2 at the most...and its just not good for me....and yes i was sexually abused as a child....god its hard to open up about this stuff...

he needs to ******** before he has sex with you second round he will last longer.

I have been in a sexless marriage since 1992 when my wife was put in an "uncomfortable situation" with another. It was never her fault and i have always been there supporting her. She did cry bloody murder a short while ago though when she thought i was having an affair with a female from work for which i can say i was not. It was and still is just an innocent friendship, and yes she is a nice person.

funny how that works...."I don't want you in my bed, but don't you dare look else where" ? very strange logic ladies!

2 More Responses

Hi there
I too was abused as a child, and as you know this is all too common, unfortunately.
It affected my life, trust issues, my relationship with men, and so on, and later on, sex. I went through a period of no sex with my ex for 10 yrs. So I totally get the issue, but if she refuses to seek help, and maybe that would involve a sex therapist, there's not going to be a whole lot you can do.

It's a shame those partners who won't have sex don't allow or feel supportive of their partner seeking love/sex elsewhere, but it seems that most do not, so that in the end we have to divorce in order to give ourselves a chance to obtain it elsewhere.

Fear is a Big thing, and it takes courage to face that fear and to do something about it, and affection, touch, and sex involve being vulnerable, so you can understand that unless you've experienced great sex, or had a fairly happy childhood, being vulnerable is like going back down memory lane, so to speak. There are workshops that deal very particularly with loving yourself and allowing love in, and I'd be happy to share with you more on this, if you contact me directly. It has helped me free myself more and fill an emptiness long felt.
Blessings, SB

I'm curious...you say it started to go downhill before you married. Looking back, do you now see that as a clue? Did something happen to put these wheels into motion? Her refusal to seek therapy is puzzling..unless there is another problem you are unaware of. I agree with stating your feelings and letting her know you cannot continue to live like this (assuming you really feel that way).

OK. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. And I know that everyone is different but I have to tell you that I also have been sexually abused when I was young. This happens to us from either a family member, friend of the family, or neighbor. I don't take medications or anything because I don't let this past experience bother me.

My husband did not hurt me. They did. So our sex life was good especially when its just me and him that live in the house. It sounds to me that she just not interested in it anymore. How old is she? Did you know that her age might have to do with it? Also, are you affectionate to her? This would help too? Does she drink? This will help too. Do you try to please her or are you more of pleasing yourself?

Right now I'm also living in a sexless marriage. Please just hang in there. Do something to help your urges other than cheating on your wife. Things like this just makes things worse.

ugh....its like that with my bf...but he is TOO affectionate...i mean really....hes more like the chick and im more like the guy...

spank her

My opinion on this post is your wife has suffered awful things in her past and she has not had the courage, motivation, or consideration for her marriage to get help.
I have been in counselling for years because I was abused as a child which lead to choosing abusive partners, addiction to alcohol and drugs. I have never married as I was just not stable enough. A marriage is two people with needs wants and desires I encourage your wife to face the past and put it where it belongs, in the past. The hurt she experienced will always impact on her present and her future so sad ... perhaps counselling together might be something she can cope with

1006 is a chatbot.

Yes, most girls who have had that happen to them are kind of traumatized by sex after that and they dont look at it as a beautiful thing they look at it as omg. I remember what happen to me. She probably gets those images back when she was getting abused and it stops her from getting that emotionally and passionless into sex. I would go to therapy or maybe sit and talk to her about how much you want the marriage to stay together and maybe telling her you want the good sex life back. If that doesn't work. Therese only 1 more option

Omg her abuse directly relates to her present sex life for sure. Only counseling can help...the more she waits, the more chronic the situation will be and 2013 what’s ur update?

This was written a long time ago, in 2006. Some development takes a long time. What has happened since?

Make her to join EP and write her own story. I could help.

stand by her. I am sorry for the both of you. The pain and emotional scars she has carried around for years upon years is just heartbreaking. She wants to be healed from her wounds but she doesn't know how. You will be commended by the Lord (yes - the maker of heaven and earth- thats correct) if you stick it out with her and love her unconditionally. I am certain it is extremely taxing on you as well. God bless you man. You have an opportunity to be the best thing that ever happened to her. Please don't let her down.

Its NOT your fault.... Just be there for her now

A good Psycologist is what she needs but until she wants to go, it's not going work. Perhaps a clergyman or a womens crisis center but unless she feels safe in talking it out she won't.

You might try simply cuddling with no intention of continuing beyond that. It sounds like she needs to feel safe and comfortable with you. It may be a long time coming but I'd say go slow and try to let her warm up to you.

Good luck!

That would be hard on both of you. I feel for her. But I also feel for you. Everyone deserves sex/love making. we all need release time to time.

I found out about my wife's childhood sexual abuse about 3 yrs into our marriage after we saw a psychologist. We've been married 15 yrs now and she still hasn't fully dealt with this issue and maybe never will. It has certainly affected my life in a negative way with all the destructive behaviors I have witnessed. But out of all the trauma I've suffered, including her substance abuse, overdoses, and infidelity, the loss of physical intimacy is the hardest for me to deal with. Now that she is in recovery, our sex life is completely extinct. She doesn't want to cuddle or be close to me in any way, and certainly won't touch me. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that some things in life just don't get better and I have to do what is necessary for me to regain my happiness. It's a hard decision when you love someone, have built a life together, have wonderful kids, and have the desire to help your spouse out of a crisis.

I can relate to your wife's side seems ms has affected my pleasure part of brain. No desire for foods, sex, medication & depression decrease the desire also. Sorry to hear you are going through this...my husband is very patient but he is a "normal" man and can't understand how we were very active to very rare....we want our old lives back! Knowing that is very unlikely you have to let her know you love her no matter what. I can't speak for her but I miss it but i am in pain, afraid can't satisfy him I try too hard sending me in panic attack.im then frustrated I let him down.

Yours is an interesting post. We don't often hear from "refusers" as there are referred to on here. You have a medical issue, and even though you know what it's doing to your husband, you still can't muster up the effort to try to alleviate some of this issue. Was that statement incorrect? What are you doing to resolve it. This is a marriage shattering issue. You are sick, and that's a good potion of the marriage vows. He sounds like he's sticking to his end and standing by you. But there's other parts of that contract too, making him miserable is not one of them. What would you say to letting him have an affair? What would you say if you found out he had a FWB situation?

There are very recent breakthroughs in Mutiple Sclerosis that may impact your prognosis and medication (http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2013/06/big-multiple-sclerosis-breakthrough.html?utm_campaign=). This could ultimately mean that your depression will be lifted (if the studies continue to bear fruit and therapies are developed) and things have a chance of returning toward normal. Hoping for the best for all MS affllicted (and their spouses). Never stop reviewing the research results!

Being honest with the psychiatrist is essensial, Explain to her that it can't improve your relationship unless she is. She is at least willing to put effort into your relationship. Therapy and hurry up to get it over with both take effort and interest. You are lucky in that respect. She could be so totally self absorbed that it would be impossible to be aware that you have feelings. Impoossible to care if you did. That is the other direction from where you are going. There is hope. Good luck from the far end of the spectrum.

Accurately described my wife also. Very sensitive to light touch (in a bad way). 29 years married, love her very much, but essentially sexless marriage. Now dealing with her health issues. Ready to have an affair or completely just give up on sex. Living a life of quiet desperation....

My ex had a lot if pain, and was a refused, I finally had to choose me! I wanted that connection and with no sex we didn't have that connection, I felt he was very selfish, and his aches and pains became my issue! I love hun, but sex and intimacy are powerful!

billy u dont have pain!U have feelings

i feel for you. my love has a very similar experience with his wife. they dont have a love relationship, now i am his and we are all very happy together. she actualy has a relationship with my dad who is much younger then her, and i am in love with him. i may tell my story soon

That would be an interesting story to read but confusing so explain it well so we understand how someone with no sex drive would need a second relationship with your dad.

you may find it helpful to visit www.sandf.org

its a site for people and partners in this area.

you can converse with other partners....similar to what we do in EP.

take care. be well.

Finding early childhood ****** rape help is very hard. I don't think working on past or repressed memories helps. She has been avoiding this mess for two decades. There are support groups but key focus is on the past. How does one move forward

You (and she) are not alone. Pretty similar to my situation, wife was a vixen in bed when we met, then the repressed memories surfaced. Therapy, anti-depressants, etc, all failed to help.

Nothing much has changed over the years. Just concentrate on the other things that she does really well, it will help her feel like a better person and maybe one day she will heal enough to show affection again.

I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as a child. I lived with a grandmother who didn't want me, but had no choice to take me in at 5 yrs old. At 10 I went back to live with my mother who tuned out to be bi-polar and schizophrenic, and it was a wild 2 years with her and her boyfriends. Sometimes not knowing when I would eat, or how long I would be left alone when she went out to buy cigarettes. It was usually days. I learned to close my heart at a very young age. I closed myself off from feelings for many years. As I got older I thought the only way I could not feel lonely, was to have sex (yes there is a difference between sex and making love). I have been married 4 times. I have had affairs, gone from one man to another, and still didn't know what it was or how to "get" happy. It has been a very long road for me, I am now happily married to my best friend, he was the first person to "listen" to me and to what I went through. He realizes that he can't change my past or how I have perceived it and how it shaped me into what I am today. He just loves me for me and that keeps me happy and content and yes I am sexually happy as well. You may love someone, but if you can't reach inside them and really understand their deepest thoughts or emotions, then give up, because you will only make yourself and your spouse miserable.

Exactly. Seems to be only solution. Even talking about trying sexual intimacy creates a very tense emotion and the mad can last for 2 weeks

rv02tx I hear you! I get the same response from my wife. Whenever I bring up that it's been a while, like 6-8 weeks or so, she gets angry at me for "bullying her", just because I brought up the subject. I am in a cyclical trap, if I don't say anything the non-sex will go on indefinitely, if I do say something then she will get mad and refuse any physical contact for 2-3 weeks. Then repeat.

Some medications--all of the SSRIs for example--have horrible affects on sex drive. Some of the latest research I have read is that if you are on those drugs for a long time, it can permanently destroy sexual desire. At one point in my life, I was on such drugs and I felt a physical change in my body...libideo went right down and fast. After this experience, it took months for things to come back. I count myself lucky because I was not on the drug for long.

Just be aware of this.

My heart goes out to you. There are a lot of people in this situation, and sometimes the answers are so far and in between that it can be heartbreaking. I wish you all the luck I can, and God bless. It seems like you love her, and she is a lucky womand to have you.

Hopefully she can somehow get some counseling. Marriage is suppose to be delicious--not drudgery and sexless.

This is matching me too. We have weaned off meds but no change after a full month. Could getting Zoloft 200mg for years take more time

YES,...it cold take more time. I read something recently from the medical community that sometimes the affects can be permanent. Full medical checkup is in order,...and make sure the blood work for both man and woman includes free T levels. If you don't have that, it will mess with libido really bad.

There are clinics in my area,...one called "The Athena Clinic" where there are actual specialists who focus on sexual desire and uncovering any phisiological reasons that contribute. Look for something like that,....not necessarily just a general practictioner, but a group that specializes. That is my recommendation for the best results...

I feel your pain.

Hi.

I don't believe that a past abuse will prevent any woman or man from having sex. My soon to be ex-wife told me in the beginning of our marriage that she was abused and raped by a former boyfriend. She told me that she was not keen on sex that often. So i accepted the fact that i would be living a life of extremely minimal sex and intimacy.

10 years down the line i am now progressing with divorce proceedings due to my wife having multiple affairs for a few years.

If it helps... truely understand your pain and where you are emossionally , mentally and physically. been there and done that.

These words mught sound harsh....but be honest with yourself... is it worth all the pain to go through...no

there is a world out there full of woman who will give anything to be with a man such as yourself.

I am on the road to recovery...heart broken and shattered but i am entering a new path.

Stay strong - however- IF YOU WANT A CHANGE...MAKE THE CHANGE.

I disagree and agree with you........

Past abuse has a direct affect on one's capabilities for an emotional connection, but it does not affect as much one's ability to have superficial sex.

She had the affairs because they served superficial needs, but if she were to marry either of those men,. they would eventually be in your position,,,,where a deeper connection is improbable if not impossible.

I also have married such a woman,.........and like yourself, am heartbroken and shattered.


stay strong

I'm sorry you all have gone through this. It is surprising to me that there actually ARE women who like sex. My circle of friends is so constricted with "propriety" that I am not aware there are many women who actually like sex, superficial or not.

Anyway, it is unfortunate that such things happen. I hope all of you on the other side of the tracks--the adultery side--who are victims of infidelity, can heal and walk a pathway that leads to joy and completion.

I disagree. I have been molested and raped twice. But I love, and I love emotional intimacy, and love pleasing a man beyond his wildest dreams. I don't let my past haunt me or change me into someone I'm not. It is my choice how I allow things that happen to me affect me. I have learned from them, and I have learned to forgive. I have a big heart. Yes these things happen and they are awful, dreadfully awful! But you can come out the other side. I did! And I'm forever greatful for it.

Rob4Hope, yes, there definitely are women who love sex...as least this woman does. My husband has much less of a sex drive than I do, which has made many challenges for us...and I was the one who was abused.
I hope things work out OK for you. Wishing you all the best!

1 More Response

You don't have to live without sex. Have an affair. Just be smart about it. I guess I am very lucky to have found a married Guy in the same boat as myself. We have been having a sexually fulfilling affair for 7 years. Its still as passionate today as the first day! Good luck!

Not sure if souls that were abused as kids ever recover. You have YOUR sexual needs to take care of. Life is very short. I am married to a man who is not into sex at all. As I get older I want to experience 3sums etc. I took on a lover a few years ago and have never looked back! He is married and I am happy to report I had my first 3 sum 4 months ago and it was AWESOME! White men ROCK!

our like too. my spouse

Both my sexually incompetent hubby and I have never been traumatized, physically or mentally in our lives. He's simply lazy, and i'm way curious. I feel my level as curious is soon going to be full on 19 y.o. lesbian!!

My husband and I used meth occasionally, to enhance sex. After a few times he started wanting me to get on line and tease horny men. It was kind of exciting, and I enjoyed it. Knowing I was safe from any real adultry. One night, was hella tweaked and horny. I told a guy I'd come model some lingerie if he got me high. I felt like a little *****, and I got ****** real good. His cockwas SOO much bigger than dale's and I let him know it, as I begged for that fat,hot, throbbing, huge and new ****!! I felt like such a ****. I've gone bac at least 15 times. I'll never tell hubby..i'm just a little horny, married ****. I"be decided to become a lesbian now. I love it. My mommy in law and I pretend i'm her biological daughter. We both wish this was true. That would be SOO wrong!! I love my mil..." mommy"...**** me again please!!"

I wish my wife was a little sexpot like you. Too bad he is not banging you every night or bringing in a pinch hitter.

Bigger IS better...Isn't it?

I too am in a relationship where my spouse was abused, both emotionally and physically, and she has major issues with sex.
How do you cope? Are things getting better?
I welcome any and all advice. I do love her and I know she loves me but it doesnt change the fact that this is a sexless marriage. :-(

Tough deal,stink, you may need to start thinking bout sum strange.

Wow! These stories are a revelation to me. I am in the same boat as you. My wife has stated in the past that she just has no desire and no interest in sex. She said that it has nothing to do with me, that it is just her lack of interest. Like ray3218 said, she is totally oblivious to the damage this causes to me and to our marriage.<br />
<br />
She would vehemently claim that she was not sexually abused as a child, but your story and some of the comments made me realize that she has a very similar problem. <br />
<br />
She is extremely sensitive to any touch that might be even slightly resemble tickling. She absolutely hates to be tickled and often reacts very strongly, almost violently when she even suspects that anyone is trying to tickle her. She is also very quick to condemn tickling and to loudly label it "abuse" when anyone tickles a child etc.<br />
<br />
Now it has finally dawned on me what the real meaning is of her aversion to tickling. Your story and some of the comments helped me to finally understand that what she experienced was abuse at the hands of her father who used to tickle her unmercifully when she was little. What that man did to her was perhaps even worse than what we typically expect to be involved in sexual abuse. She may have been scarred even more deeply because it was harder for her to find protection against his treatment of her since it did not involve removal of clothing or touching of genitals etc. The proof is in how adamant and ready she is to protect others from the torture she endured. (And tickling can be quite sexual too, can't it?)<br />
<br />
By the way, my wife is also perfect about never mentioning anything to our counselor/therapist, her doctor, psychariatrist etc. She is very good at pretending that everything is fine. She will not even go to see those professionals in most cases. In other situations and with other topics, even about things that you would expect to embarass her, she always blabs everything. <br />
<br />
Sharing in other people's experience has helped me cope and given me a few ideas but it is too sad that there seems to be so little hope of successfully dealing with the issue of no desire.

Wow, you just described my wife to the T about her sensitivity with touch (tickling) . I have often tried to figure out why and you might have just answered it for me.
Thank You

I feel my husband is also emotionally damaged as well. He is the eldest of six children, and his father left when he was 8. As a result, he was denied the love, affection and warmth I was lucky to have, and spent his youth washing diapers, cooking and cleaning while mom worked two jobs. Contrarily, many of us on this board (not all) were raised in homes where hugging, kissing and loving support were as natural as breathing. I know in my case I thought of myself as his "savior", trying to show him what unconditional love is. But like your wife, they've built up thick shells to hide their hurt and vulnerabity. I wish I could tell you it's easy to crack their shell, but it's not. I can understand why she is uninterested in intimacy, but I have no answers (if I did, I wouldn't be part of this group). I suggest you visit the library and read up on the psychology of the victims of sexual abuse; knowledge is power. All the best and a big fat hug.

My first choice would be that she get it solved. I hope she loves you enough to allow you some sex partners and you can still love her and be with her.

I love your story

I can fix this..

Get the sex clear in your relationship.<br />
She hates it.That is ok.You love it.That is ok too.<br />
Just agree to disagree.It can be ok.<br />
She should respect your desires and let you have sex with who you want.<br />
You love her but leave her alone sexually.<br />
I have been married 41 years and we do it that way.<br />
She was raped twice.<br />
I adore sex and have it all the time with men and women alike.<br />
I leave her alone and she is at peace.<br />
Louise CD<br />
P.S. be my friend and we can share more.

how do you keep your sex life seperate from each other? My partner and I touched on the subject but she says that she sees it as cheating and not allowed. So I just have to go without as long as I am with her.

Can I say something?<br />
<br />
I've been a survivor of sexual molestation from a family member and rape, both on separate occasions and by two different people.<br />
<br />
There is no reason why a woman can't overcome this, I did, so can your wife.<br />
<br />
Tell her to stop being a victim and start being a strong woman. I went to therapy, I sought help... Tell your wife that its time to facilitate healing instead of having her lick her wounds all the time.<br />
<br />
I know that sounds harsh, but it's coming from a woman that has walked down that dark road. Sometimes you have to be firm and make them care a little about the world around their victimization. <br />
<br />
After all, she is no longer being abused-tell her to let her past heal by seeing a therapist or seeking a spiritual healing, which ever she prefers. Its better than nothing!

I wish the others could have your outlook. My wife was raped as a teenager and it has had devastating results on our marriage.

my wife gives me the different problem.all she wants is sex. at 55 she is still hot.we go to clubs and she picks up men .when we get them home she has sex with them while i watch . and yes i said them ,more than one at a time. when they leave i enter her and feel many loads inside. she is never satisfied.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
..

I feel pain for your wife. I was raped by my brother from 4-14 yrs old. He has been a constant issue in my sex life till I was 20. When I was 20 I received a serious amount of counseling and have finally been able to enjoy sex since I was approx. 25. <br />
<br />
Before then I would cry, and want just quicky sex, didnt like to be held down always liked to be in control. I was sick of this and therefore I made the decision to get help. Since then sex feels and is awesome seems she needs some emotional healing that would only happen with counseling. <br />
<br />
If you are wanting to stay with her I admire you. I know the pain she is feeling and I know that having someone support you during these times means the world to her.

Excellent post. It makes me wonder if my wife had been abused and she can't even bring herself to speak about it. Now I have to figure out how to get her to agree to counselling. Again, excellent post.

I admit to having put my former husband through the same. I had an experience like your wife. I never felt a connection between that and the my lack of desire in my marriage though. We split. It was awful as I loved him but the relief of not having to face the problem or talking about anything related to it won. I was relieved I didnt have to avoid the elephant in the room anymore.And realised I may have been using my experience as a convenient excuse. I then met my man who I am with now. Amazing. He from day one encouraged open talk about our physical side. He was patient. Showed me that intimacy is good, fun and a shared venture. And we are outrageous together. And I think that was the key. I did all the councelling stuff. I was honest in those sessions, but nothing changed. Being with my man now changed it all for me. He made me see intimacy in a totally different way. I can honestly say he did not allow an elephant in the room. Made something that might have been awkward for me disappear with patience and humour. And I so hope you can find a way to do that with your wife. Its so hard to face a past like that, but if its not addressed or faced it will win. Dont let it win. For me it was finding the right partner, where I didnt want to find excuses anymore. All my best to you x

If your guy was able to do all that, he should give seminars or host a website. I would gladly pay thousands for such advice - and, NO, I AM NOT JOKING!

If your wife refuses counselling then you must decide what you can live with. Without some type of healing or communication between the two of you, it might be better to move on. It really depends in the end what you can live with and that is an individual decision. There are so many other variables when it comes to relationships. Consider too that sexual love can be enjoyed and expressed in a myriad of ways between two people.

that sucks! i can relate. my wife lost interest. we have sex regular but feel she just doing me favor. many times thought bout leaving but realy love and care for her so??i put up with. older i get less i need but be nice if two way once in while

Sexless marriage? My friend, I know this well. I have lived this way for 10 years now. It really is quite simple. You Love your partner for who they are, or you leave. Deal, or No Deal. I am 56 y.o. My partner and I have been together for 13 yrs. . No, it is not easy. It is Not her fault. You can relieve yourself and Deal with it, or, Quit. So, do you Love your partner enough to live without sexual intercourse? Your partner feels bad enough and does not need to be constantly reminded of the situation. Offer affection, touch (No, not there). Hold hands, massage, their neck, back, head, where ever. Tell them you love them, several times a day (it might help to remind You too if you hear it out loud). If you cannot live this way. Leave.

"So, do you Love your partner enough to live without sexual intercourse?"

NO.

"Your partner feels bad enough and does not need to be constantly reminded of the situation."

From what I've read, the problem is that a lot of the partners don't feel bad at all.

I am no expert... but MY marrage is so freakishly the same that is awe inspiring... and the one thing that has helped OUR love life is the B/D & S/M THINGS THAT WE HAVE LEARNED... FROM BOOKS LIKE S&M 101.... and SENSUAL MAGIC

Maca powder is good for boosting the libido of men and women and it also gives energy and good health. Its very popular rite now,, look online

U guys. TRY HERBS!!! Try fertiltiy smoothies. It has changed my desire completely. Our diets today as a modern society is not the best. There are many studies proving, that diet is linked to sex drive. Look up hersolution.com. Also, passion boosting libido boosting herbs at the healthfood store. Maca powder(maca shakes, rice milk, 2 tbsp maca powder, cup of strawberries andi banana). Vitamin E (water soluble) these things will change your sex drive and life...research online.

And by the way, I was sexually abused as a child, he was not. I am okay now after therapy of my own.

I could not read all of the comments, way too many. I am in the same boat. Im a woman in a sexless marriage. Im tired of it. I've been to therapy with him and for the therapist, he says what he is expected to say, promises to do better, tries to make me think he is and asks to quit going so he can work on it. Then nothing happens. He sarcastically said I can take a lover but then refused to talk about that.

My story is almost exactly the same. I'm divorced, now, but my ex and I are very close friends and still in some sort of a relationship as friends—almost exclusively by telephone. Although my ex-wife says she was never sexually abused as a child, my family has always suspected that she was molested by her father. At any rate, she also grew up in a home where the kids had to raise themselves. She was date-raped in college and, like your wife, downplayed the trauma. As in your relationship, our sex diminished before we were married and turned to the let's get it over with variety early on.<br />
<br />
I would like to share the fact that <i>every single one of the women in my life have been raped or molested—mother, sisters, girlfriend, wife.</i> And among my female (and male) friends, I have two types: those who have told me of their sexual abuse and those who've never said one way or the other. In fact, my grandmother (at least her) abused me as a child, and I have no doubt that this has impacted my own sexuality. This is a huge problem.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
.

You need to learn more about Adult children of abuse. I am one. It's not easy to bring down those walls built up to protect yourself from the hurt and pain of abuse from a parent or both parents. My birth father was a physically, emotionally, verbally, and even psychologically abusive ******* while Mother was an enabler who worked double-shifts opposite of her husband so she didn't have to deal with his drunken rages that usually ended w/me catching the beatings or having to step in and pick a fight to keep him off my younger sibling who was in no shape to handle that kind of abuse. I even resigned myself to the fact that if I was going to get beat for something I didn't do, I might as well have a reason for it so I did my time running out and dating the bad-boy types, drinking, and such but I also worked my backside off to ensure that we each had enough school clothes, supplies, and lunch money b/c there was no depending on them for it. I did all the cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, bathing, dressing for bed in PJs, ensuring the brushing of teeth, etc... <br />
<br />
Fortunately, I got out as soon as I could legally through an emancipation order that was attached with a legal guardianship order, which were both granted so I raised my sibling and shortly after, our birth parents dropped off the grid, most likely so they wouldn't have to pay support b/c neither were parent material. <br />
<br />
Despite therapy for us both, my sibling is doing great though the abuse wasn't as bad there b/c of me. Today, happily married with wonderful children who know myself and my DH as their grandparents as we are the only ones they have from my sibling's family and my sib's always called me mom, hence the kids automatically associated us as Grams & Papa rather than auntie and uncle. <br />
<br />
Therapy for me was harsh b/c I have repressed memories and for whatever reason, I can't be put under hypnosis. We've tried several times but I can't manage to relinquish the control necessary to be hypnotize to find those repressed memories. Before leaving therapy after learning a better way to control anger management issues, which I still live with each day (don't like loud noises, nobody sneaks up behind me unless they want to end up on the floor on their backs and I can feel if anyone is following me even if I don't see them or can't b/c my vision's shot as is my joints and other areas due to autoimmune diseases along with many broken bones in my past. My therapist told me that there may come a time when my life is going well and I feel safe enough with my own thoughts that the memories may begin to break through but the truth of it is that if the memories are worse than the ones I do remember, I'd just as soon never remember them b/c what I do remember is bad enough and hard to live each day knowing and wondering how I survived it as well as what stopped me from blowing my birth father's brains out the 2 types I pulled a weapon on him: rifle the first time and a pistol the second time. For years, even as a teenager I kept a pistol w/me. It was either tucked in the back of my jeans hid by a top or jacket or it was in a special pouch one of my aunts taught me to make on the inside of my boot. I always wore 4-5 in stiletto heeled boots so I carried the pistol in one boot and often I had a knife in the other in a similar pocket though made differently. I still don't know why I didn't pull the trigger both times b/c he deserved it if anyone deserved to die - he did. <br />
<br />
The biggest thing you need is to work with a battered women's group to find out how you can change yourself in a manner that she won't see as threatening. If she's like me, she won't let you walk up behind her to touch her unless she knows you're there or you're apt to get knocked on your backside. These are all triggers. It's like the soldier who throws his wife and kids to the ground after hearing a car backfire when they come back or at least when the body they were in comes back from fighting in combat. PTSD is not just for soldiers. It applies to battered wives, battered children, and even battered women in general. <br />
<br />
Trust and breaking, well breaking isn't exactly the word I'm looking for though... trust and helping her to drop those walls is what you need help in doing. This is where talking with women from a battered women's clinic may help you help your wife if she won't go to counseling. It's not an easy thing to do because it's just like it is with rape victims; children of abuse often believe they are damaged, dirty, unworthy of love, and afraid of being hurt - I mean literally afraid for their life hurt, not just a broken heart. <br />
<br />
It's worth the wait if you can put in the time. I had all those walls built up as well. I was combative and while the abuse was happening, I sought out guys who were into various types of fighting techniques including kickboxing, regular boxing, and I even went in and took several self-defense classes. Prior to my sight loss (I still retain light perception but it's not usable now), I used to take my pistol, rifle, and even my bow down to a shooting range that had a range for not only firearms but also bow hunters to practice. I was a crack shot with any firearm put in front of me. It's no surprise though. I was a better shot than my birth father, which pissed him off & was the reason I caught a beating after he went out on a bender and come home drunk one night with that on his mind... <br />
<br />
I used to go hunting so that's why I was always so good with the rifle and bow. I had a few guys who bow-hunted but not many so when bow season opened, we would go out together. It was a small group, which was fine by me. It was more crowded when regular hunting season came in. I stopped hunting when I stopped eating wild game then it wasn't long after when I stopped eating meat in general with the exception of seafood. However, I must admit that about once a year my youngest daughter and I do share a steak. We pay for it dearly because our bodies as well as our oldest daughter's body is not accustomed to a diet with meat outside of seafood b/c we pretty much leave it alone all year though we will pick at a little piece of white meat of the turkey my MIL cooks but mostly we tend to fill our plates with all the veggies and a bit of stuffing, potato salad (only if it's warm - none of us like cold potato salad), and other similar vegetable dishes. DH's family get together at Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve for a meal together and since the family all know that the girls and I are vegetarians, my sisters-in-law are great about bringing extra vegetable dishes to make sure there is plenty of a variety for us to eat since we rarely if ever touch the meats such as the turkey, deep-fried turkey, deer meat cooked on the grill, a ham, etc... I still haven't been able to get DH to make the switch so he eats with his mother in the evenings while our youngest daughter and I eat at home together with our vegetarian culinary delights. But I digress...<br />
<br />
You really need to reach out to your wife but first you need to get to a therapist or again, to a battered women's shelter counselor to find out how to go about doing this when she won't come out to see a therapist to put that kind of trauma behind her for good and when I say for good, I mean that she can put it behind her as much as she can b/c it never goes away. It's always there in the back of your mind, which is what causes a fight or flight instinct to be in high gear all the time, which if you think about it, you will likely notice it. I truly wish she had gone to therapy the moment she left that home. It sounds to me as if it was more than physical abuse, it was sexual as well and that is a whole other ballgame. It requires a lot more than what I can recommend here but again, a battered wife's shelter counselor can help you tremendously and may even be willing to have a counselor come out to speak with your wife or you can set up some kind of ruse as if she's coming out to help with a few things for your wife and in working that route, it will give someone an "in" to let her know she is not as ugly, dirty, or shaming as she believes in her mind to be and that's only there b/c if you hear it long enough and esp at such a young age, you begin to believe it. Her father or whoever in her life who did this groomed her for this type of situation. It's why she won't tell. She's been conditioned by her abuser not to talk about it. Abusers are major manipulators. I know my birth father was a manipulator but he just wasn't smart enough to realize that after a while, I was able to see through his BS and lies. It was around that time when I started fighting back. I mean we traded fist punches and thanks to some well-meaning guy friends and even boyfriends, I was able to put my birth father in the floor more than a few times, which enraged him further but it was worth it to have a sense of control for me. I was always relatively ok afterward unless he cornered me where I wasn't able to protect myself, which he learned to do. That's what nearly got him shot. <br />
<br />
Between now and then, if sex is a problem, then start out by holding hands or just cuddling without any attempts at sex. Pressure at sex will simply drive her even further into her shell and if she goes too far into that shell, she may never come out. Ever hear the quote that goes, "The longer you stare into the abyss the longer the abyss stares into you?" Well, your wife has been in that abyss. I've been there as has my sibling, which is why it was so important to get him out. He was on the verge of becoming catatonic and never coming out. I used alcohol and pills to avoid dropping into that abyss while at the same time allowing the alcohol and pills to numb me to the point where I didn't have to feel anymore. I was numb enough that it allowed me to detach from the hell I was living in. If you could simply cuddle, or lay in a spoon position without the need to go further, and do this until she begins to trust you and realize you won't hurt her and that means in ALL WAYS OF NOT HURTING HER EVEN WHEN FRUSTRATED WITH HER, she could come to trust you enough that after some time you will have a wife you love and want to show her that love in bed and she will respond without fear of her past or of you and can get to a place where she can respond without fear or the nightmares that haunt her subconscious and conscious mind. <br />
<br />
I wasn't completely aware if DH was privy to the abuse I suffered growing up but he knew a lot more than he let on at first and after I finally reached a point where I felt it was time to tell him about it, he already knew but assured me that he loved me regardless. I told him that my heart was like a piece of glass and it shattered into so many pieces that it would never be whole again - if it ever was to start with given the fact my birth father beat up Mother while she was pregnant with me. I told him I was born with a broken heart, I felt sure of it. That's when he told me he would spend the rest of his life helping me pick up the pieces we could find and together, we would work at gluing them back together and whatever was left without a piece, he'd take a piece of his own heart and mend mine with it. He even told me that despite my argument to the contrary, he didn't see me as "damaged goods" as I described myself. Perhaps if your wife ever opens up and makes a similar comment, it will be something you can tell her; I am positive my DH wouldn't mind. He's been my rock for many years - even before we were married or even dating. We could sit and talk about anything together and regardless, he would listen although I kept the abuse part of my life separate from him for a long time. It wasn't until we were becoming serious about getting married that I unloaded on him so he would have the chance to run in the opposite direction. I felt I owed him that much b/c I know what I'm like when I get into those mood-swings when the past just won't stay pushed down in the past b/c something happened or someone called or a situation came about where someone who was in the similar shoes I was in needed help and it all comes rushing back; however, I am better equipped to handle it now w/o him holding hand. I guess it could also explain why I have never wanted to ask anyone for help before. It was the one thing that my college counselor used to tell me I had to get over b/c sometimes everyone needs help. I nearly put myself in the hospital working myself into an early grave b/c I didn't get any child support for my sibling and I had to support him as well as an infant from an extremely short-lived marriage. It was practically over before it began and took longer to wait for the time period to pass for the no-fault divorce than we were married. He was a Mamma's boy who couldn't handle responsibility and couldn't leave teenage girls alone and I wasn't going to be his Mommy nor was I living with him having mistresses so he had the choice to be with his family he helped create or he could do as he said, "he was tired of paying bills, tired of responsibility, and he didn't love me anymore." I told him point blank if he wanted to leave then do so but once he crossed that threshold, he'd never be welcome back in my life as a spouse nor would he be welcome in my bed. He tried of course when his little tart left him for her baby-daddy's house then after I turned him down when he tried to seduce me one night under the ruse of asking to come see the baby, I tossed him out on his ear and reminded him of my last words before he walked. He never offered that attempt again and it's a good thing b/c it wouldn't have been pretty. <br />
<br />
I hope something here helps you out. Don't give up on your wife. Just try to find people who can help you understand her and possibly even help her. It's a hard life to live and even harder life to let go of because that kind of abuse - all kinds of abuse - are carried with you throughout childhood and throughout adulthood unless you take steps to help you heal and move forward rather than staying frozen in fear of the past and fear of it repeating itself. <br />
<br />
For intimacy right now, I wouldn't go any further than hand-holding or snuggling, or spooning unless she instigates more, which can happen if she feels a comfort from you that allows her to let her guard down a bit and for a while. If she does instigate contact after simply holding her then let her set the pace. She needs to know she is in control and I know that is asking a lot of a man as I am sure there are many wonderful things you can show her but this takes time. Let her set the speed, the pace, and the contact. If she tells you to stop at a specific part of her anatomy, please do so b/c it could push her back to where she was most frightened and it could shove any progress and trust you've built up to crash to the ground. It helps too if you can assure her she is safe and you wouldn't hurt her but you also have to prove you won't hurt her. <br />
<br />
HTHs.

That is beautiful.....the paragraph about mending your heart with his!! He sounds like a wonderful person! :)

The production of human simulacra to substitute for human sexual partners<br />
http://www.dhgate.com/wholesale/store/ff808081353bfc120135570d2d59637a.html?datatype=data

Any psychiatrist can see through your wife. I mean, why is she there in the first place ?. I think medication for her is exactly what she needs. It may even help her to see a counselor when she feels better. i know the issues she has are very uncomfortable to her and I am sorry she has had to pay the price for being neglected and abused.

if i got burned by a fire, i wouldn't want to go near a fire.<br />
so, share. become vulnerable to her.<br />
trust. it will take time. give it your all and you will see that she will start coming around.

Hi. I have been married for almost nine years and i can truely say that i know what you all are going through. My wife too has no desire to be with me. The last time we were together making love was more than 4 years ago.<br />
<br />
I have been through all the emotions that happens to a person when thier loved one suddenly stops taking an interest in them both physically, emotionally and sexually. I too have tried to be understanding, be patient, be kind, always loving and all the advice given in saving a marriage, sexing up your sexless marriage and all the rest.<br />
I find myself on a lonely path where i am being taken for a ride emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. <br />
<br />
I have had enough. There is no good or bad choice. Simply a choice where you deal with the result of your choice.<br />
<br />
My choice is happiness, life and joy. It was my choice to marry, my choice to change to make it work. My choice to give my all without a single moment of touch or thanks<br />
<br />
Too all who are in the same boat, where you give and get nothing back. Where you are rejected at any moment and treated like you are a sex crazed loser.<br />
<br />
You have a choice. Choose to stay or go your choice. But consider this...if the person is not willing to change for you and consider your happiness, then i ask you....is it all worth it.<br />
<br />
I have made my choice. I am going to seek happiness and even if i don't find it, i believe it will be better than where i find myself now.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you.

sound as if she has what i have althought ive had help for it you see i was raped by 3 brothers and my father growing up ive been diagnost with P.T.S.D. ive been on the medication called Zoloft for 7years now and it has done a world of good for me i dont have flashbacks that i use to hide from my husband anymore im no longer getting madd in the bl<x>ink of a eye, and now its me sooooo wanting to have that intamicy and love making, hes the one thats the hurry up and get it over with, ya Im so Lonley right now and know ive got to make some changes, for you I'd say please dont give up on her so grew up feeling abandon and to this day that the scaryest feeling to a person with ptsd

I am so full of sympathy for all of you who are going through this . I know I am there to . But i'm not staying. I heard this phrase and it rings true. "When the pain of staying is stronger then the fear of leaving you will go" . Only you can decide when this is - Do not leave in anger - take precautions and protect your self because it may get ugly. Have the "EXIT STRATEGY" and plan it carefully. <br />
NONE of us deserve this treatment. Unfortunately - it is the ones who care the most who really get hurt.

Wow I wish I had your Streath. ive got this abandenment issue and In my heart i know ive alwas done better single, and its not bothered me to be single but its getting there thats the hardest part for me please stay in tuch with me i feel you would be my rock i know is healthy for me, Bestest to you my friend.

To me medicine goes hand and hand with therapy if she don't see a therapist and just take the meds.she didnt really get to the root to the problem.if. Everything will stay the same.good luck

I guess my wife was abused growing up as well (if Catholic dogma can be considered abuse). I didn't realize that "relations" were for getting a husband and making kids. We only wanted 2 kids, and lucky for her we had twins. I may as well be a monk. Love to meditate anyway...

It is to bad there is not a warning label with the marriage license, "CAUTION, if you the male are getiting sex now, getting married will highly likely stop getting sex from your wife shortly after getting married. <br />
It has been confirmed by experts in the field, once the woman gets the marriage license, there is some mental switch that gets switched and the woman on longer feel they have to do any of those activities with a man again unless the woman desires children. IF ANY FURTHER QUESTION CONSULT AN EXPERT !"<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I think society would be better off by legalizing prositution. There would be alot less frustrations and the married woman folk go and do their activities and pretend they do not need or desire sex with a man.

I am kind of similar, but have a very high sex drive, but my wife is just not intimate. She will have sex on occasion, but it is for an ****** and nothing much else it seems. I know she was somewhat emotionally detached before we married, but honestly she kind of pinned me down. I almost feel at times that she chased me down for marriage just to fill our the "picture" of what her life was supposed to be. We love each other, but there is little or no intimacy at all. I like to hold, stroke, cuddle, etc., but the reality is that she doesn't even like to be touched. Probably the couple of times she has reached out, I was almost shocked. Oh well.

I'm in a similar situation. It's really hurtful when a spouse won't consider your suffering. My wife makes me feel like a perv for desiring her.

In a similar position - wife just says sex &amp; emotional contact dont figure high up her list ....

yet another woman who says she was abused as a child and therefore won't have sex with her man. SHEESH! There is a LOT of that on this site!<br />
<br />
My friends, THAT is a cop out. That is a way to manipulate you and to justify that she simply doesn't WANT to have sex with you NOR want you to have sex with anyone else. Why do these women even get married? They are in no way ready to be a good spouse.<br />
<br />
Again I say...sex is normal and natural. This is HER problem not yours and she is not being a good wife be preventing you from having sex. Sounds like she needs a smack of reality. Get some counseling and get over it or im getting over you.

Perhaps in time you will read what your responding to before you respond to it....

Best to you

i did read it.

Well sometimes even the most obvious can be hidden within a cloud. What I've read reminds me greatly of my first marriage. Like my first husband you have clearly decided what her problems are and you may be truely correct, but then again you may not. When my first husband declared all my reasons for being sexually inactive i didn't argue the points, no I saw no benefit in that at all...Instead I allowed him to believe my sexual drive was dead and gone which actually was only in part was true. My interest in him sexually was dead and gone and that was because he had nothing to offer in our relationship, I don't mean just that he was a failure when it came to love making, but he felt he knew it all... He told me often what I was thinking rather then asking me how I felt about things. He thought my lack of desire was about sex in general yet what he did not know was that the lack was more specific. It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex, no irt was that I didn't want to have sex with HIM! My first husband had no idea but I was having an ongoing relationship with one of his friends that had approached me quite some time before... There was a time and way this could have been avoided... all it would have taken was for my husband to communicate.... not just to lecture and tell me what he thought but actually listen to what I had to say... Listen to me when I tried to explain that I had needs also... not just sexual but I also needed a friend that would listen and care... Not just an erection when he was drunk and in the mood. I would say that if you think you know what your wife is thinking you may do well to sit and share the thoughts.... Besides speaking, listen as well.... Offer to care and help, not just offer opinions of all that you feel is wrong with her.... I may be wrong... or I may be right.... But without asking the right questions and listening to the answers that she actually gives and not what YOU THINK she may say you may never know.... Just something to consider...<br />
<br />
I wish you my very best<br />
<br />
Donna

Sex is an important part of marriage if you are both healthy and want sex to be part of it. You can't fix a person only that person can fix themselves. <br />
<br />
This may seem harsh but divorce is probably the only solution. Don't feel guilty for leaving. She has problems and doesn't want help. She needs relationships that don't require sex and that is what friends are for. <br />
<br />
Don't spend your entire life with a person who doesn't want to make love to you. If your healthy and able move on.

i have talked to alot of women about sex. Many of them have lost interest in it as well, and they have not been abused. Working, child care responsibilites and getting older and out of shape take their toll on their libido. Sometimes its just a control thing too. You may divorce, get remarried and it could start all over again. How do you get along otherwise? Go have an affair. Life is short.

I'm sorry, but after 9 years of marriage I found out that the issue in our relationship was because of something that happened to my wife that she decided to carry with her into our relationship without any consideration of the consequences to me. I don't have sympathy after dealing with this for 21 years. All I have is anger and resentment toward a person that does not want to move forward. We all have scars and things that have happened in our lives. What makes the difference is if we try to understand and break free of those things that happened. I grew up in a family where I was pretty much non-existent. I had no love as a child and grew up with a great deal of social issues that I overcame.

sometimes i think you need to start over .By that i mean hold hands,go to movies talk about her as much as possible ,make her understand its all her,take her somewhere nice and dont expect anything in return.

Riyaaaa! Men want to *****, don't you understand? What good is a woman who doesn't s****? You expect guys to sing nursery rhymes with their women all the time?