Wife Has No Desire

My wife was sexually abused as a child.  This has caused devastating effects on our marriage and her life.  Deep down, my wife is afraid to love.  She grew up in a home where if you didn't take care of yourself, you weren't taken care of.  Her mother died at an early age, leaving her father to raise three children by himself.  He didn't do a very good job of taking care of them however.  Mostly he left them to fend for themselves.  He might buy groceries for himself, but not for the family.

Anyway, getting back to the topic of this experience.  Although we had a decent sex life when we were dating, it went downhill after we were married.  It actually started going downhill before we were married, but after we were married it really became bad.  In the past year, we have had sex twice, and let me call it having sex, not making love.  When we do have sex, it is of the lets hurry up and get it over with variety. 

Only once in her life did she admit that she was abused as a child.  At this point in her life she tends to act as if it never happened.  She refuses counseling of any sort, although she has agreed to see a Psychiatrist for medication.  However, even that is problematic because she is never honest with the Psychiatrist, she tries to pretend that everything is just fine.

Anyway, that is my story.  Thanks for listening.
stinkcat_14 stinkcat_14
41-45, M
187 Responses Aug 31, 2006

A good Psycologist is what she needs but until she wants to go, it's not going work. Perhaps a clergyman or a womens crisis center but unless she feels safe in talking it out she won't.

You might try simply cuddling with no intention of continuing beyond that. It sounds like she needs to feel safe and comfortable with you. It may be a long time coming but I'd say go slow and try to let her warm up to you.

Good luck!

That would be hard on both of you. I feel for her. But I also feel for you. Everyone deserves sex/love making. we all need release time to time.

I found out about my wife's childhood sexual abuse about 3 yrs into our marriage after we saw a psychologist. We've been married 15 yrs now and she still hasn't fully dealt with this issue and maybe never will. It has certainly affected my life in a negative way with all the destructive behaviors I have witnessed. But out of all the trauma I've suffered, including her substance abuse, overdoses, and infidelity, the loss of physical intimacy is the hardest for me to deal with. Now that she is in recovery, our sex life is completely extinct. She doesn't want to cuddle or be close to me in any way, and certainly won't touch me. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that some things in life just don't get better and I have to do what is necessary for me to regain my happiness. It's a hard decision when you love someone, have built a life together, have wonderful kids, and have the desire to help your spouse out of a crisis.

I can relate to your wife's side seems ms has affected my pleasure part of brain. No desire for foods, sex, medication & depression decrease the desire also. Sorry to hear you are going through this...my husband is very patient but he is a "normal" man and can't understand how we were very active to very rare....we want our old lives back! Knowing that is very unlikely you have to let her know you love her no matter what. I can't speak for her but I miss it but i am in pain, afraid can't satisfy him I try too hard sending me in panic attack.im then frustrated I let him down.

Yours is an interesting post. We don't often hear from "refusers" as there are referred to on here. You have a medical issue, and even though you know what it's doing to your husband, you still can't muster up the effort to try to alleviate some of this issue. Was that statement incorrect? What are you doing to resolve it. This is a marriage shattering issue. You are sick, and that's a good potion of the marriage vows. He sounds like he's sticking to his end and standing by you. But there's other parts of that contract too, making him miserable is not one of them. What would you say to letting him have an affair? What would you say if you found out he had a FWB situation?

There are very recent breakthroughs in Mutiple Sclerosis that may impact your prognosis and medication (http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2013/06/big-multiple-sclerosis-breakthrough.html?utm_campaign=). This could ultimately mean that your depression will be lifted (if the studies continue to bear fruit and therapies are developed) and things have a chance of returning toward normal. Hoping for the best for all MS affllicted (and their spouses). Never stop reviewing the research results!

Being honest with the psychiatrist is essensial, Explain to her that it can't improve your relationship unless she is. She is at least willing to put effort into your relationship. Therapy and hurry up to get it over with both take effort and interest. You are lucky in that respect. She could be so totally self absorbed that it would be impossible to be aware that you have feelings. Impoossible to care if you did. That is the other direction from where you are going. There is hope. Good luck from the far end of the spectrum.

Accurately described my wife also. Very sensitive to light touch (in a bad way). 29 years married, love her very much, but essentially sexless marriage. Now dealing with her health issues. Ready to have an affair or completely just give up on sex. Living a life of quiet desperation....

My ex had a lot if pain, and was a refused, I finally had to choose me! I wanted that connection and with no sex we didn't have that connection, I felt he was very selfish, and his aches and pains became my issue! I love hun, but sex and intimacy are powerful!

billy u dont have pain!U have feelings

i feel for you. my love has a very similar experience with his wife. they dont have a love relationship, now i am his and we are all very happy together. she actualy has a relationship with my dad who is much younger then her, and i am in love with him. i may tell my story soon

That would be an interesting story to read but confusing so explain it well so we understand how someone with no sex drive would need a second relationship with your dad.

you may find it helpful to visit www.sandf.org

its a site for people and partners in this area.

you can converse with other partners....similar to what we do in EP.

take care. be well.

Finding early childhood ****** rape help is very hard. I don't think working on past or repressed memories helps. She has been avoiding this mess for two decades. There are support groups but key focus is on the past. How does one move forward

You (and she) are not alone. Pretty similar to my situation, wife was a vixen in bed when we met, then the repressed memories surfaced. Therapy, anti-depressants, etc, all failed to help.

Nothing much has changed over the years. Just concentrate on the other things that she does really well, it will help her feel like a better person and maybe one day she will heal enough to show affection again.

I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as a child. I lived with a grandmother who didn't want me, but had no choice to take me in at 5 yrs old. At 10 I went back to live with my mother who tuned out to be bi-polar and schizophrenic, and it was a wild 2 years with her and her boyfriends. Sometimes not knowing when I would eat, or how long I would be left alone when she went out to buy cigarettes. It was usually days. I learned to close my heart at a very young age. I closed myself off from feelings for many years. As I got older I thought the only way I could not feel lonely, was to have sex (yes there is a difference between sex and making love). I have been married 4 times. I have had affairs, gone from one man to another, and still didn't know what it was or how to "get" happy. It has been a very long road for me, I am now happily married to my best friend, he was the first person to "listen" to me and to what I went through. He realizes that he can't change my past or how I have perceived it and how it shaped me into what I am today. He just loves me for me and that keeps me happy and content and yes I am sexually happy as well. You may love someone, but if you can't reach inside them and really understand their deepest thoughts or emotions, then give up, because you will only make yourself and your spouse miserable.

Exactly. Seems to be only solution. Even talking about trying sexual intimacy creates a very tense emotion and the mad can last for 2 weeks

rv02tx I hear you! I get the same response from my wife. Whenever I bring up that it's been a while, like 6-8 weeks or so, she gets angry at me for "bullying her", just because I brought up the subject. I am in a cyclical trap, if I don't say anything the non-sex will go on indefinitely, if I do say something then she will get mad and refuse any physical contact for 2-3 weeks. Then repeat.

Some medications--all of the SSRIs for example--have horrible affects on sex drive. Some of the latest research I have read is that if you are on those drugs for a long time, it can permanently destroy sexual desire. At one point in my life, I was on such drugs and I felt a physical change in my body...libideo went right down and fast. After this experience, it took months for things to come back. I count myself lucky because I was not on the drug for long.

Just be aware of this.

My heart goes out to you. There are a lot of people in this situation, and sometimes the answers are so far and in between that it can be heartbreaking. I wish you all the luck I can, and God bless. It seems like you love her, and she is a lucky womand to have you.

Hopefully she can somehow get some counseling. Marriage is suppose to be delicious--not drudgery and sexless.

This is matching me too. We have weaned off meds but no change after a full month. Could getting Zoloft 200mg for years take more time

YES,...it cold take more time. I read something recently from the medical community that sometimes the affects can be permanent. Full medical checkup is in order,...and make sure the blood work for both man and woman includes free T levels. If you don't have that, it will mess with libido really bad.

There are clinics in my area,...one called "The Athena Clinic" where there are actual specialists who focus on sexual desire and uncovering any phisiological reasons that contribute. Look for something like that,....not necessarily just a general practictioner, but a group that specializes. That is my recommendation for the best results...

I feel your pain.


I don't believe that a past abuse will prevent any woman or man from having sex. My soon to be ex-wife told me in the beginning of our marriage that she was abused and raped by a former boyfriend. She told me that she was not keen on sex that often. So i accepted the fact that i would be living a life of extremely minimal sex and intimacy.

10 years down the line i am now progressing with divorce proceedings due to my wife having multiple affairs for a few years.

If it helps... truely understand your pain and where you are emossionally , mentally and physically. been there and done that.

These words mught sound harsh....but be honest with yourself... is it worth all the pain to go through...no

there is a world out there full of woman who will give anything to be with a man such as yourself.

I am on the road to recovery...heart broken and shattered but i am entering a new path.

Stay strong - however- IF YOU WANT A CHANGE...MAKE THE CHANGE.

I disagree and agree with you........

Past abuse has a direct affect on one's capabilities for an emotional connection, but it does not affect as much one's ability to have superficial sex.

She had the affairs because they served superficial needs, but if she were to marry either of those men,. they would eventually be in your position,,,,where a deeper connection is improbable if not impossible.

I also have married such a woman,.........and like yourself, am heartbroken and shattered.

stay strong

I'm sorry you all have gone through this. It is surprising to me that there actually ARE women who like sex. My circle of friends is so constricted with "propriety" that I am not aware there are many women who actually like sex, superficial or not.

Anyway, it is unfortunate that such things happen. I hope all of you on the other side of the tracks--the adultery side--who are victims of infidelity, can heal and walk a pathway that leads to joy and completion.

I disagree. I have been molested and raped twice. But I love, and I love emotional intimacy, and love pleasing a man beyond his wildest dreams. I don't let my past haunt me or change me into someone I'm not. It is my choice how I allow things that happen to me affect me. I have learned from them, and I have learned to forgive. I have a big heart. Yes these things happen and they are awful, dreadfully awful! But you can come out the other side. I did! And I'm forever greatful for it.

You don't have to live without sex. Have an affair. Just be smart about it. I guess I am very lucky to have found a married Guy in the same boat as myself. We have been having a sexually fulfilling affair for 7 years. Its still as passionate today as the first day! Good luck!

Not sure if souls that were abused as kids ever recover. You have YOUR sexual needs to take care of. Life is very short. I am married to a man who is not into sex at all. As I get older I want to experience 3sums etc. I took on a lover a few years ago and have never looked back! He is married and I am happy to report I had my first 3 sum 4 months ago and it was AWESOME! White men ROCK!

our like too. my spouse

Both my sexually incompetent hubby and I have never been traumatized, physically or mentally in our lives. He's simply lazy, and i'm way curious. I feel my level as curious is soon going to be full on 19 y.o. lesbian!!

My husband and I used meth occasionally, to enhance sex. After a few times he started wanting me to get on line and tease horny men. It was kind of exciting, and I enjoyed it. Knowing I was safe from any real adultry. One night, was hella tweaked and horny. I told a guy I'd come model some lingerie if he got me high. I felt like a little *****, and I got ****** real good. His cockwas SOO much bigger than dale's and I let him know it, as I begged for that fat,hot, throbbing, huge and new ****!! I felt like such a ****. I've gone bac at least 15 times. I'll never tell hubby..i'm just a little horny, married ****. I"be decided to become a lesbian now. I love it. My mommy in law and I pretend i'm her biological daughter. We both wish this was true. That would be SOO wrong!! I love my mil..." mommy"...**** me again please!!"

I wish my wife was a little sexpot like you. Too bad he is not banging you every night or bringing in a pinch hitter.

Bigger IS better...Isn't it?

I too am in a relationship where my spouse was abused, both emotionally and physically, and she has major issues with sex.
How do you cope? Are things getting better?
I welcome any and all advice. I do love her and I know she loves me but it doesnt change the fact that this is a sexless marriage. :-(

Tough deal,stink, you may need to start thinking bout sum strange.

Wow! These stories are a revelation to me. I am in the same boat as you. My wife has stated in the past that she just has no desire and no interest in sex. She said that it has nothing to do with me, that it is just her lack of interest. Like ray3218 said, she is totally oblivious to the damage this causes to me and to our marriage.<br />
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She would vehemently claim that she was not sexually abused as a child, but your story and some of the comments made me realize that she has a very similar problem. <br />
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She is extremely sensitive to any touch that might be even slightly resemble tickling. She absolutely hates to be tickled and often reacts very strongly, almost violently when she even suspects that anyone is trying to tickle her. She is also very quick to condemn tickling and to loudly label it "abuse" when anyone tickles a child etc.<br />
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Now it has finally dawned on me what the real meaning is of her aversion to tickling. Your story and some of the comments helped me to finally understand that what she experienced was abuse at the hands of her father who used to tickle her unmercifully when she was little. What that man did to her was perhaps even worse than what we typically expect to be involved in sexual abuse. She may have been scarred even more deeply because it was harder for her to find protection against his treatment of her since it did not involve removal of clothing or touching of genitals etc. The proof is in how adamant and ready she is to protect others from the torture she endured. (And tickling can be quite sexual too, can't it?)<br />
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By the way, my wife is also perfect about never mentioning anything to our counselor/therapist, her doctor, psychariatrist etc. She is very good at pretending that everything is fine. She will not even go to see those professionals in most cases. In other situations and with other topics, even about things that you would expect to embarass her, she always blabs everything. <br />
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Sharing in other people's experience has helped me cope and given me a few ideas but it is too sad that there seems to be so little hope of successfully dealing with the issue of no desire.

Wow, you just described my wife to the T about her sensitivity with touch (tickling) . I have often tried to figure out why and you might have just answered it for me.
Thank You

I feel my husband is also emotionally damaged as well. He is the eldest of six children, and his father left when he was 8. As a result, he was denied the love, affection and warmth I was lucky to have, and spent his youth washing diapers, cooking and cleaning while mom worked two jobs. Contrarily, many of us on this board (not all) were raised in homes where hugging, kissing and loving support were as natural as breathing. I know in my case I thought of myself as his "savior", trying to show him what unconditional love is. But like your wife, they've built up thick shells to hide their hurt and vulnerabity. I wish I could tell you it's easy to crack their shell, but it's not. I can understand why she is uninterested in intimacy, but I have no answers (if I did, I wouldn't be part of this group). I suggest you visit the library and read up on the psychology of the victims of sexual abuse; knowledge is power. All the best and a big fat hug.

My first choice would be that she get it solved. I hope she loves you enough to allow you some sex partners and you can still love her and be with her.

I love your story

Get the sex clear in your relationship.<br />
She hates it.That is ok.You love it.That is ok too.<br />
Just agree to disagree.It can be ok.<br />
She should respect your desires and let you have sex with who you want.<br />
You love her but leave her alone sexually.<br />
I have been married 41 years and we do it that way.<br />
She was raped twice.<br />
I adore sex and have it all the time with men and women alike.<br />
I leave her alone and she is at peace.<br />
Louise CD<br />
P.S. be my friend and we can share more.

how do you keep your sex life seperate from each other? My partner and I touched on the subject but she says that she sees it as cheating and not allowed. So I just have to go without as long as I am with her.

Can I say something?<br />
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I've been a survivor of sexual molestation from a family member and rape, both on separate occasions and by two different people.<br />
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There is no reason why a woman can't overcome this, I did, so can your wife.<br />
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Tell her to stop being a victim and start being a strong woman. I went to therapy, I sought help... Tell your wife that its time to facilitate healing instead of having her lick her wounds all the time.<br />
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I know that sounds harsh, but it's coming from a woman that has walked down that dark road. Sometimes you have to be firm and make them care a little about the world around their victimization. <br />
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After all, she is no longer being abused-tell her to let her past heal by seeing a therapist or seeking a spiritual healing, which ever she prefers. Its better than nothing!

I wish the others could have your outlook. My wife was raped as a teenager and it has had devastating results on our marriage.

my wife gives me the different problem.all she wants is sex. at 55 she is still hot.we go to clubs and she picks up men .when we get them home she has sex with them while i watch . and yes i said them ,more than one at a time. when they leave i enter her and feel many loads inside. she is never satisfied.<br />
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I feel pain for your wife. I was raped by my brother from 4-14 yrs old. He has been a constant issue in my sex life till I was 20. When I was 20 I received a serious amount of counseling and have finally been able to enjoy sex since I was approx. 25. <br />
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Before then I would cry, and want just quicky sex, didnt like to be held down always liked to be in control. I was sick of this and therefore I made the decision to get help. Since then sex feels and is awesome seems she needs some emotional healing that would only happen with counseling. <br />
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If you are wanting to stay with her I admire you. I know the pain she is feeling and I know that having someone support you during these times means the world to her.

Excellent post. It makes me wonder if my wife had been abused and she can't even bring herself to speak about it. Now I have to figure out how to get her to agree to counselling. Again, excellent post.

I admit to having put my former husband through the same. I had an experience like your wife. I never felt a connection between that and the my lack of desire in my marriage though. We split. It was awful as I loved him but the relief of not having to face the problem or talking about anything related to it won. I was relieved I didnt have to avoid the elephant in the room anymore.And realised I may have been using my experience as a convenient excuse. I then met my man who I am with now. Amazing. He from day one encouraged open talk about our physical side. He was patient. Showed me that intimacy is good, fun and a shared venture. And we are outrageous together. And I think that was the key. I did all the councelling stuff. I was honest in those sessions, but nothing changed. Being with my man now changed it all for me. He made me see intimacy in a totally different way. I can honestly say he did not allow an elephant in the room. Made something that might have been awkward for me disappear with patience and humour. And I so hope you can find a way to do that with your wife. Its so hard to face a past like that, but if its not addressed or faced it will win. Dont let it win. For me it was finding the right partner, where I didnt want to find excuses anymore. All my best to you x

If your guy was able to do all that, he should give seminars or host a website. I would gladly pay thousands for such advice - and, NO, I AM NOT JOKING!

If your wife refuses counselling then you must decide what you can live with. Without some type of healing or communication between the two of you, it might be better to move on. It really depends in the end what you can live with and that is an individual decision. There are so many other variables when it comes to relationships. Consider too that sexual love can be enjoyed and expressed in a myriad of ways between two people.

Sexless marriage? My friend, I know this well. I have lived this way for 10 years now. It really is quite simple. You Love your partner for who they are, or you leave. Deal, or No Deal. I am 56 y.o. My partner and I have been together for 13 yrs. . No, it is not easy. It is Not her fault. You can relieve yourself and Deal with it, or, Quit. So, do you Love your partner enough to live without sexual intercourse? Your partner feels bad enough and does not need to be constantly reminded of the situation. Offer affection, touch (No, not there). Hold hands, massage, their neck, back, head, where ever. Tell them you love them, several times a day (it might help to remind You too if you hear it out loud). If you cannot live this way. Leave.

"So, do you Love your partner enough to live without sexual intercourse?"


"Your partner feels bad enough and does not need to be constantly reminded of the situation."

From what I've read, the problem is that a lot of the partners don't feel bad at all.

I am no expert... but MY marrage is so freakishly the same that is awe inspiring... and the one thing that has helped OUR love life is the B/D & S/M THINGS THAT WE HAVE LEARNED... FROM BOOKS LIKE S&M 101.... and SENSUAL MAGIC

And by the way, I was sexually abused as a child, he was not. I am okay now after therapy of my own.

I could not read all of the comments, way too many. I am in the same boat. Im a woman in a sexless marriage. Im tired of it. I've been to therapy with him and for the therapist, he says what he is expected to say, promises to do better, tries to make me think he is and asks to quit going so he can work on it. Then nothing happens. He sarcastically said I can take a lover but then refused to talk about that.

My story is almost exactly the same. I'm divorced, now, but my ex and I are very close friends and still in some sort of a relationship as friends—almost exclusively by telephone. Although my ex-wife says she was never sexually abused as a child, my family has always suspected that she was molested by her father. At any rate, she also grew up in a home where the kids had to raise themselves. She was date-raped in college and, like your wife, downplayed the trauma. As in your relationship, our sex diminished before we were married and turned to the let's get it over with variety early on.<br />
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I would like to share the fact that <i>every single one of the women in my life have been raped or molested—mother, sisters, girlfriend, wife.</i> And among my female (and male) friends, I have two types: those who have told me of their sexual abuse and those who've never said one way or the other. In fact, my grandmother (at least her) abused me as a child, and I have no doubt that this has impacted my own sexuality. This is a huge problem.<br />
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You need to learn more about Adult children of abuse. I am one. It's not easy to bring down those walls built up to protect yourself from the hurt and pain of abuse from a parent or both parents. My birth father was a physically, emotionally, verbally, and even psychologically abusive ******* while Mother was an enabler who worked double-shifts opposite of her husband so she didn't have to deal with his drunken rages that usually ended w/me catching the beatings or having to step in and pick a fight to keep him off my younger sibling who was in no shape to handle that kind of abuse. I even resigned myself to the fact that if I was going to get beat for something I didn't do, I might as well have a reason for it so I did my time running out and dating the bad-boy types, drinking, and such but I also worked my backside off to ensure that we each had enough school clothes, supplies, and lunch money b/c there was no depending on them for it. I did all the cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, bathing, dressing for bed in PJs, ensuring the brushing of teeth, etc... <br />
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Fortunately, I got out as soon as I could legally through an emancipation order that was attached with a legal guardianship order, which were both granted so I raised my sibling and shortly after, our birth parents dropped off the grid, most likely so they wouldn't have to pay support b/c neither were parent material. <br />
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Despite therapy for us both, my sibling is doing great though the abuse wasn't as bad there b/c of me. Today, happily married with wonderful children who know myself and my DH as their grandparents as we are the only ones they have from my sibling's family and my sib's always called me mom, hence the kids automatically associated us as Grams & Papa rather than auntie and uncle. <br />
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Therapy for me was harsh b/c I have repressed memories and for whatever reason, I can't be put under hypnosis. We've tried several times but I can't manage to relinquish the control necessary to be hypnotize to find those repressed memories. Before leaving therapy after learning a better way to control anger management issues, which I still live with each day (don't like loud noises, nobody sneaks up behind me unless they want to end up on the floor on their backs and I can feel if anyone is following me even if I don't see them or can't b/c my vision's shot as is my joints and other areas due to autoimmune diseases along with many broken bones in my past. My therapist told me that there may come a time when my life is going well and I feel safe enough with my own thoughts that the memories may begin to break through but the truth of it is that if the memories are worse than the ones I do remember, I'd just as soon never remember them b/c what I do remember is bad enough and hard to live each day knowing and wondering how I survived it as well as what stopped me from blowing my birth father's brains out the 2 types I pulled a weapon on him: rifle the first time and a pistol the second time. For years, even as a teenager I kept a pistol w/me. It was either tucked in the back of my jeans hid by a top or jacket or it was in a special pouch one of my aunts taught me to make on the inside of my boot. I always wore 4-5 in stiletto heeled boots so I carried the pistol in one boot and often I had a knife in the other in a similar pocket though made differently. I still don't know why I didn't pull the trigger both times b/c he deserved it if anyone deserved to die - he did. <br />
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The biggest thing you need is to work with a battered women's group to find out how you can change yourself in a manner that she won't see as threatening. If she's like me, she won't let you walk up behind her to touch her unless she knows you're there or you're apt to get knocked on your backside. These are all triggers. It's like the soldier who throws his wife and kids to the ground after hearing a car backfire when they come back or at least when the body they were in comes back from fighting in combat. PTSD is not just for soldiers. It applies to battered wives, battered children, and even battered women in general. <br />
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Trust and breaking, well breaking isn't exactly the word I'm looking for though... trust and helping her to drop those walls is what you need help in doing. This is where talking with women from a battered women's clinic may help you help your wife if she won't go to counseling. It's not an easy thing to do because it's just like it is with rape victims; children of abuse often believe they are damaged, dirty, unworthy of love, and afraid of being hurt - I mean literally afraid for their life hurt, not just a broken heart. <br />
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It's worth the wait if you can put in the time. I had all those walls built up as well. I was combative and while the abuse was happening, I sought out guys who were into various types of fighting techniques including kickboxing, regular boxing, and I even went in and took several self-defense classes. Prior to my sight loss (I still retain light perception but it's not usable now), I used to take my pistol, rifle, and even my bow down to a shooting range that had a range for not only firearms but also bow hunters to practice. I was a crack shot with any firearm put in front of me. It's no surprise though. I was a better shot than my birth father, which pissed him off & was the reason I caught a beating after he went out on a bender and come home drunk one night with that on his mind... <br />
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I used to go hunting so that's why I was always so good with the rifle and bow. I had a few guys who bow-hunted but not many so when bow season opened, we would go out together. It was a small group, which was fine by me. It was more crowded when regular hunting season came in. I stopped hunting when I stopped eating wild game then it wasn't long after when I stopped eating meat in general with the exception of seafood. However, I must admit that about once a year my youngest daughter and I do share a steak. We pay for it dearly because our bodies as well as our oldest daughter's body is not accustomed to a diet with meat outside of seafood b/c we pretty much leave it alone all year though we will pick at a little piece of white meat of the turkey my MIL cooks but mostly we tend to fill our plates with all the veggies and a bit of stuffing, potato salad (only if it's warm - none of us like cold potato salad), and other similar vegetable dishes. DH's family get together at Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve for a meal together and since the family all know that the girls and I are vegetarians, my sisters-in-law are great about bringing extra vegetable dishes to make sure there is plenty of a variety for us to eat since we rarely if ever touch the meats such as the turkey, deep-fried turkey, deer meat cooked on the grill, a ham, etc... I still haven't been able to get DH to make the switch so he eats with his mother in the evenings while our youngest daughter and I eat at home together with our vegetarian culinary delights. But I digress...<br />
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You really need to reach out to your wife but first you need to get to a therapist or again, to a battered women's shelter counselor to find out how to go about doing this when she won't come out to see a therapist to put that kind of trauma behind her for good and when I say for good, I mean that she can put it behind her as much as she can b/c it never goes away. It's always there in the back of your mind, which is what causes a fight or flight instinct to be in high gear all the time, which if you think about it, you will likely notice it. I truly wish she had gone to therapy the moment she left that home. It sounds to me as if it was more than physical abuse, it was sexual as well and that is a whole other ballgame. It requires a lot more than what I can recommend here but again, a battered wife's shelter counselor can help you tremendously and may even be willing to have a counselor come out to speak with your wife or you can set up some kind of ruse as if she's coming out to help with a few things for your wife and in working that route, it will give someone an "in" to let her know she is not as ugly, dirty, or shaming as she believes in her mind to be and that's only there b/c if you hear it long enough and esp at such a young age, you begin to believe it. Her father or whoever in her life who did this groomed her for this type of situation. It's why she won't tell. She's been conditioned by her abuser not to talk about it. Abusers are major manipulators. I know my birth father was a manipulator but he just wasn't smart enough to realize that after a while, I was able to see through his BS and lies. It was around that time when I started fighting back. I mean we traded fist punches and thanks to some well-meaning guy friends and even boyfriends, I was able to put my birth father in the floor more than a few times, which enraged him further but it was worth it to have a sense of control for me. I was always relatively ok afterward unless he cornered me where I wasn't able to protect myself, which he learned to do. That's what nearly got him shot. <br />
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Between now and then, if sex is a problem, then start out by holding hands or just cuddling without any attempts at sex. Pressure at sex will simply drive her even further into her shell and if she goes too far into that shell, she may never come out. Ever hear the quote that goes, "The longer you stare into the abyss the longer the abyss stares into you?" Well, your wife has been in that abyss. I've been there as has my sibling, which is why it was so important to get him out. He was on the verge of becoming catatonic and never coming out. I used alcohol and pills to avoid dropping into that abyss while at the same time allowing the alcohol and pills to numb me to the point where I didn't have to feel anymore. I was numb enough that it allowed me to detach from the hell I was living in. If you could simply cuddle, or lay in a spoon position without the need to go further, and do this until she begins to trust you and realize you won't hurt her and that means in ALL WAYS OF NOT HURTING HER EVEN WHEN FRUSTRATED WITH HER, she could come to trust you enough that after some time you will have a wife you love and want to show her that love in bed and she will respond without fear of her past or of you and can get to a place where she can respond without fear or the nightmares that haunt her subconscious and conscious mind. <br />
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I wasn't completely aware if DH was privy to the abuse I suffered growing up but he knew a lot more than he let on at first and after I finally reached a point where I felt it was time to tell him about it, he already knew but assured me that he loved me regardless. I told him that my heart was like a piece of glass and it shattered into so many pieces that it would never be whole again - if it ever was to start with given the fact my birth father beat up Mother while she was pregnant with me. I told him I was born with a broken heart, I felt sure of it. That's when he told me he would spend the rest of his life helping me pick up the pieces we could find and together, we would work at gluing them back together and whatever was left without a piece, he'd take a piece of his own heart and mend mine with it. He even told me that despite my argument to the contrary, he didn't see me as "damaged goods" as I described myself. Perhaps if your wife ever opens up and makes a similar comment, it will be something you can tell her; I am positive my DH wouldn't mind. He's been my rock for many years - even before we were married or even dating. We could sit and talk about anything together and regardless, he would listen although I kept the abuse part of my life separate from him for a long time. It wasn't until we were becoming serious about getting married that I unloaded on him so he would have the chance to run in the opposite direction. I felt I owed him that much b/c I know what I'm like when I get into those mood-swings when the past just won't stay pushed down in the past b/c something happened or someone called or a situation came about where someone who was in the similar shoes I was in needed help and it all comes rushing back; however, I am better equipped to handle it now w/o him holding hand. I guess it could also explain why I have never wanted to ask anyone for help before. It was the one thing that my college counselor used to tell me I had to get over b/c sometimes everyone needs help. I nearly put myself in the hospital working myself into an early grave b/c I didn't get any child support for my sibling and I had to support him as well as an infant from an extremely short-lived marriage. It was practically over before it began and took longer to wait for the time period to pass for the no-fault divorce than we were married. He was a Mamma's boy who couldn't handle responsibility and couldn't leave teenage girls alone and I wasn't going to be his Mommy nor was I living with him having mistresses so he had the choice to be with his family he helped create or he could do as he said, "he was tired of paying bills, tired of responsibility, and he didn't love me anymore." I told him point blank if he wanted to leave then do so but once he crossed that threshold, he'd never be welcome back in my life as a spouse nor would he be welcome in my bed. He tried of course when his little tart left him for her baby-daddy's house then after I turned him down when he tried to seduce me one night under the ruse of asking to come see the baby, I tossed him out on his ear and reminded him of my last words before he walked. He never offered that attempt again and it's a good thing b/c it wouldn't have been pretty. <br />
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I hope something here helps you out. Don't give up on your wife. Just try to find people who can help you understand her and possibly even help her. It's a hard life to live and even harder life to let go of because that kind of abuse - all kinds of abuse - are carried with you throughout childhood and throughout adulthood unless you take steps to help you heal and move forward rather than staying frozen in fear of the past and fear of it repeating itself. <br />
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For intimacy right now, I wouldn't go any further than hand-holding or snuggling, or spooning unless she instigates more, which can happen if she feels a comfort from you that allows her to let her guard down a bit and for a while. If she does instigate contact after simply holding her then let her set the pace. She needs to know she is in control and I know that is asking a lot of a man as I am sure there are many wonderful things you can show her but this takes time. Let her set the speed, the pace, and the contact. If she tells you to stop at a specific part of her anatomy, please do so b/c it could push her back to where she was most frightened and it could shove any progress and trust you've built up to crash to the ground. It helps too if you can assure her she is safe and you wouldn't hurt her but you also have to prove you won't hurt her. <br />
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That is beautiful.....the paragraph about mending your heart with his!! He sounds like a wonderful person! :)

The production of human simulacra to substitute for human sexual partners<br />

Any psychiatrist can see through your wife. I mean, why is she there in the first place ?. I think medication for her is exactly what she needs. It may even help her to see a counselor when she feels better. i know the issues she has are very uncomfortable to her and I am sorry she has had to pay the price for being neglected and abused.

if i got burned by a fire, i wouldn't want to go near a fire.<br />
so, share. become vulnerable to her.<br />
trust. it will take time. give it your all and you will see that she will start coming around.

Hi. I have been married for almost nine years and i can truely say that i know what you all are going through. My wife too has no desire to be with me. The last time we were together making love was more than 4 years ago.<br />
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I have been through all the emotions that happens to a person when thier loved one suddenly stops taking an interest in them both physically, emotionally and sexually. I too have tried to be understanding, be patient, be kind, always loving and all the advice given in saving a marriage, sexing up your sexless marriage and all the rest.<br />
I find myself on a lonely path where i am being taken for a ride emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. <br />
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I have had enough. There is no good or bad choice. Simply a choice where you deal with the result of your choice.<br />
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My choice is happiness, life and joy. It was my choice to marry, my choice to change to make it work. My choice to give my all without a single moment of touch or thanks<br />
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Too all who are in the same boat, where you give and get nothing back. Where you are rejected at any moment and treated like you are a sex crazed loser.<br />
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You have a choice. Choose to stay or go your choice. But consider this...if the person is not willing to change for you and consider your happiness, then i ask you....is it all worth it.<br />
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I have made my choice. I am going to seek happiness and even if i don't find it, i believe it will be better than where i find myself now.<br />
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Good luck to you.

sound as if she has what i have althought ive had help for it you see i was raped by 3 brothers and my father growing up ive been diagnost with P.T.S.D. ive been on the medication called Zoloft for 7years now and it has done a world of good for me i dont have flashbacks that i use to hide from my husband anymore im no longer getting madd in the bl<x>ink of a eye, and now its me sooooo wanting to have that intamicy and love making, hes the one thats the hurry up and get it over with, ya Im so Lonley right now and know ive got to make some changes, for you I'd say please dont give up on her so grew up feeling abandon and to this day that the scaryest feeling to a person with ptsd

To me medicine goes hand and hand with therapy if she don't see a therapist and just take the meds.she didnt really get to the root to the problem.if. Everything will stay the same.good luck

I guess my wife was abused growing up as well (if Catholic dogma can be considered abuse). I didn't realize that "relations" were for getting a husband and making kids. We only wanted 2 kids, and lucky for her we had twins. I may as well be a monk. Love to meditate anyway...

It is to bad there is not a warning label with the marriage license, "CAUTION, if you the male are getiting sex now, getting married will highly likely stop getting sex from your wife shortly after getting married. <br />
It has been confirmed by experts in the field, once the woman gets the marriage license, there is some mental switch that gets switched and the woman on longer feel they have to do any of those activities with a man again unless the woman desires children. IF ANY FURTHER QUESTION CONSULT AN EXPERT !"<br />
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Sometimes, I think society would be better off by legalizing prositution. There would be alot less frustrations and the married woman folk go and do their activities and pretend they do not need or desire sex with a man.

I am kind of similar, but have a very high sex drive, but my wife is just not intimate. She will have sex on occasion, but it is for an ****** and nothing much else it seems. I know she was somewhat emotionally detached before we married, but honestly she kind of pinned me down. I almost feel at times that she chased me down for marriage just to fill our the "picture" of what her life was supposed to be. We love each other, but there is little or no intimacy at all. I like to hold, stroke, cuddle, etc., but the reality is that she doesn't even like to be touched. Probably the couple of times she has reached out, I was almost shocked. Oh well.

yet another woman who says she was abused as a child and therefore won't have sex with her man. SHEESH! There is a LOT of that on this site!<br />
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My friends, THAT is a cop out. That is a way to manipulate you and to justify that she simply doesn't WANT to have sex with you NOR want you to have sex with anyone else. Why do these women even get married? They are in no way ready to be a good spouse.<br />
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Again I say...sex is normal and natural. This is HER problem not yours and she is not being a good wife be preventing you from having sex. Sounds like she needs a smack of reality. Get some counseling and get over it or im getting over you.

Perhaps in time you will read what your responding to before you respond to it....

Best to you

i did read it.

Well sometimes even the most obvious can be hidden within a cloud. What I've read reminds me greatly of my first marriage. Like my first husband you have clearly decided what her problems are and you may be truely correct, but then again you may not. When my first husband declared all my reasons for being sexually inactive i didn't argue the points, no I saw no benefit in that at all...Instead I allowed him to believe my sexual drive was dead and gone which actually was only in part was true. My interest in him sexually was dead and gone and that was because he had nothing to offer in our relationship, I don't mean just that he was a failure when it came to love making, but he felt he knew it all... He told me often what I was thinking rather then asking me how I felt about things. He thought my lack of desire was about sex in general yet what he did not know was that the lack was more specific. It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex, no irt was that I didn't want to have sex with HIM! My first husband had no idea but I was having an ongoing relationship with one of his friends that had approached me quite some time before... There was a time and way this could have been avoided... all it would have taken was for my husband to communicate.... not just to lecture and tell me what he thought but actually listen to what I had to say... Listen to me when I tried to explain that I had needs also... not just sexual but I also needed a friend that would listen and care... Not just an erection when he was drunk and in the mood. I would say that if you think you know what your wife is thinking you may do well to sit and share the thoughts.... Besides speaking, listen as well.... Offer to care and help, not just offer opinions of all that you feel is wrong with her.... I may be wrong... or I may be right.... But without asking the right questions and listening to the answers that she actually gives and not what YOU THINK she may say you may never know.... Just something to consider...<br />
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I wish you my very best<br />
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Sex is an important part of marriage if you are both healthy and want sex to be part of it. You can't fix a person only that person can fix themselves. <br />
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This may seem harsh but divorce is probably the only solution. Don't feel guilty for leaving. She has problems and doesn't want help. She needs relationships that don't require sex and that is what friends are for. <br />
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Don't spend your entire life with a person who doesn't want to make love to you. If your healthy and able move on.

i have talked to alot of women about sex. Many of them have lost interest in it as well, and they have not been abused. Working, child care responsibilites and getting older and out of shape take their toll on their libido. Sometimes its just a control thing too. You may divorce, get remarried and it could start all over again. How do you get along otherwise? Go have an affair. Life is short.

I'm sorry, but after 9 years of marriage I found out that the issue in our relationship was because of something that happened to my wife that she decided to carry with her into our relationship without any consideration of the consequences to me. I don't have sympathy after dealing with this for 21 years. All I have is anger and resentment toward a person that does not want to move forward. We all have scars and things that have happened in our lives. What makes the difference is if we try to understand and break free of those things that happened. I grew up in a family where I was pretty much non-existent. I had no love as a child and grew up with a great deal of social issues that I overcame.

sometimes i think you need to start over .By that i mean hold hands,go to movies talk about her as much as possible ,make her understand its all her,take her somewhere nice and dont expect anything in return.

Riyaaaa! Men want to *****, don't you understand? What good is a woman who doesn't s****? You expect guys to sing nursery rhymes with their women all the time?

most ppl that were abused dont wanna talk bout it...its hard for me to talk bout it

My wife too had a sexually abusive childhood by many family members in deep central Texas from age 3-8 then again in North Texas from 8-12. She won't get help from a PTSD childhood trauma counselor. IMHO, its one of the key reasons that after the first 3 years of good sex at least to me, she started backing away, later telling me she had been faking for over 17 years. Doing as a chore, but not enjoying. there's more to the story...

My wife was also sexually abused for over 6 years as a child under 12. She has yet to get counseling for what looks like PTSD with childhood sexual trauma, we were told in Marriage Counseling.<br />
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Its been 3 years since she's heard that.

I have only one thing to say...<br />
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Get a dvd...The Tapping Solution

no more prozac for me, had enough.

no more prozac for me, had enough.

This is to hdtaylor. I am truly impressed that you are making the efforts you are to overcome your painful experiences, and love your husband by lighting candles and playing soft music. I can only imagine what it is like to try and deal with those painful memories. I want to encourage you to keep on moving forward, so when your ready you can enjoy an even more awesome marriage you can only dream of. Keep in mind, you are 100% responsible for your own speech, thoughts and actions. Love is not a feeling. It is an action we choose to take. The feelings come from being loved. You could reap tremendous benifits if you increase your husbands feelings for you, through the selfless act of submitting 100% to your husbands desires.And if you occasionally withold, wait till you learn the principle of submitting to your husbands desires without ever holding back. I believe it will send your marriage into an amazing transformation. You would be surprised at what the bible has to say on this subject of a sexless marriage. You see I have been tortured for the past 3 years from a sexless marriage, this has caused me to start seeking answers and solutions. I love my wife, but she doesn't love me. I have tried everything to win her heart over but nothing has worked. There isn't any abuse in her history either. I encourage you to read my story titled "what does God think about a sexless marriage". I did read your comments and understand your marriage isn't sexless, but you admitted to withholding 10% of the time, this can still have devastating effects on the marriage relationship. I hope to hear a comment from you on my story and what you think about what God says about this. I'm not super religious, but when I talk about God, I'm simply talking about Love and it's selfless actions. The bible says God is Love! You hold tremendous power in your hands to transform your marriage into a whole new dimention. I wish my own wife could see this like you are seeing, as I am in so much pain and frustration. I love her and don't want to have to end the marriage, but she has already left it sexually and emotionally. Leaving me with few options. She holds all the power as the withholder, to where the marriage will go. Dr. Phil says it best, " he who cares the least in a relationship, holds the power. Good luck and I pray you receive the healing you need from the terrible things that have happened to you and haunt you. I hope to hear a comment of what you think about my story

So who cares if a marriage is happy or not, some previous posters fr sure don't cAre.Just a quick response here, if she doesn't love you, what makes you think you have anything to change her mind. I just had my 33rd anniv. 20 yrs of a 100% SM. I for one, have given up. I tried everything except divorce. I think that is next.

Oh yeh, and I found this site while looking for something else but it was so ignorant I just had to make up a fake account and reply to you whining losers. Testosterone is your problem, not women. Try to find some drug that will reduce that awful chemical in your system and you will feel and act much better!

Yes, and as my nickname implies, I am no man's *****, thank the universe. I make a living for myself. Other than money, what reason would there be to put up with some stinking vile slob who thinks of ******* every 5 minutes? You morons make me sick.

Men are disgusting. Whining that someone doesn't enjoy having you ram your penis into them and spew your fluids? Get a sock... get some lube... use your right or left hand... pretend it's a human being who is too drunk or too stupid to refuse... There ya go!<br />
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Would YOU want to have some man ramming his **** into you and *******? Would you? Well then why the hell would I?????? Because your bible tells you so?!?!

how do we know all this isn't a conspiracy to move money from one place to another.... have any of you guys ever wondered that????? that maybe there is a bigger plan to all this than you can see!!!! wealth division and wealth construction and wealth reconstruction ....!!! you are all just puppets!!! sorry peoples but there is a bigger thing happening than your sex lives and you better start looking for it... before it finds you!

My wife has no sex feelings at all, I am sure it's a psychological problem also she has no clitoris which doesn't help the situation. We have been married for 20 years and it's been like this for most of that time, I think she faked it at the beginning and now I must not touch anything remotely sexual, if I were to lightly touch a breast I would get a push away.<br />
The other side of the coin; She seems to love me and she cares for my daily needs, I couldn't ask for more, our daily lives exist around each other. I am now 73 years old and she is 55. I still have a very active sex drive and this situation is so frustrating for me. <br />
Be a man of action; I have looked at dating sites but that doesn't seem to work for me, ( I think a lot of these sites are mostly faked) and as I have a strong attachment to my wife, though if I were offered it yes I would go for it but that never happens or not yet!<br />
Solutions; I have two in mind, Find a couple for friendship where the man is 'off it' so I could play with the wife. Second solution is for me to find a young girl that would play with me and maybe become a pseudo ' daughter' and she would receive some financial support. This is my preferred solution but how do I find such a girl? We live in a country district with few social contacts. I NEED HELP any help or suggestions gratefully received. Roger from south Wiltshire UK.

My wife has no sex feelings at all, I am sure it's a psychological problem also she has no clitoris which doesn't help the situation. We have been married for 20 years and it's been like this for most of that time, I think she faked it at the beginning and now I must not touch anything remotely sexual, if I were to lightly touch a breast I would get a push away.<br />
The other side of the coin; She seems to love me and she cares for my daily needs, I couldn't ask for more, our daily lives exist around each other. I am now 73 years old and she is 55. I still have a very active sex drive and this situation is so frustrating for me. <br />
Be a man of action; I have looked at dating sites but that doesn't seem to work for me, ( I think a lot of these sites are mostly faked) and as I have a strong attachment to my wife, though if I were offered it yes I would go for it but that never happens or not yet!<br />
Solutions; I have two in mind, Find a couple for friendship where the man is 'off it' so I could play with the wife. Second solution is for me to find a young girl that would play with me and maybe become a pseudo ' daughter' and she would receive some financial support. This is my preferred solution but how do I find such a girl? We live in a country district with few social contacts. I NEED HELP any help or suggestions gratefully received. Roger from south Wiltshire UK.

Well your wife does sound like me a little. I don't know, my comment is maybe more of a question I guess. I am wondering if marriage just makes a couple too close, like there's no breathing room? It always seems like sex is better when people are in the dating phase. There's some space there and also you can't take eachother for granted. The focus is on fun. When you get married the focus is on resposibility.

my wife has no desire and when i ask for sex its alway ok later then she sleeps in the other room or comes up with some exuse or she claims tobe tired witch ads up to use haveing sex about 3 times a month we dont kiss and it has been thisway for about five years.its always a hassle and then i get frustrated and she dont even care, she just uses the argument as another exuse not to have sex and when we do have sex its only a quicky or she will complain, against any spice or veriaty in sex, just a stick in the mud. my plan is just not to ask anymore and watch what she dose sigh, no goodies for me

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. It seems like an impossible one. I would tell your wife that you will only accept her lack of interest in you and refusal to show physical affection if she takes steps to make it right. Tell her you will give her ample time to think about it - maybe give yourself a deadline as well - and then after that you'll have to assume she doesn't care enough about your needs anymore for you to stay married. My husband refuses for much less noble reasons, but he at least pretends to try to resolve his issues. I would say if she's not even showing any willingness, you can't be miserable for the rest of your life.

I have come to this forum a long time after you made this comment. You situation and mine are very similar. Tell me, what has become of your marriage?

I guess i shouldn't say anymore, but after 20 yrs in a sexless marriage i can sy the chances of her wanting sex with you again are nill. My wife was the one who wanted to get married, as she felt bad having sex so much out side of weddlock. So I eventually gave in, we got married. Within Five yrs we were almost never having sex, by 10 yrs no sex at all. At first it was "hang in there honey things will get better" Well they didn't . Then when I suggested help, she was pissed, "whats wrong with you, I am happy" Now 20 yrs later she admitts she is very unhappy as well as I am unhappy. Don't wait forever to decide. And if your truely unhappy, get out now!

Bingo angry! Its 80% attitude. I can deal with health issues and I'm very patient and understand how abuse can scar for life; but when we used to have an active sexlife and she decides unilaterally that there is no longer needed, that's just wrong. When she won't seek any help...it doesn't seem like she's interested in doing the right thing.

I was abused as a child and that has not stopped me from wanting to have sex with my husband. He just don't want to have sex with me.<br />
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I have asked all the questions about what is wrong and what is going on and I don't really get a response that I understand.<br />
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He claim it is medical---well go to the damn doctor and get it taken care of---but he doesn't and I feel that if he wanted to make it work with me---then he would.<br />
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He plays when he feels that I am about to leave or if I have given him signs of leaving him. Then it goes back to normal of not having sex or any intimate contact.<br />
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I bought up the subject again about leaving him and he said that he is not doing anything wrong so he don't see why I want to leave.<br />
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I told him he is basically my roommate. We don't sleep together and we don't touch each other.<br />
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He gives me his paycheck and I pay the bills and take care of the kids.<br />
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How long do he think I want to put up with this sh*t.<br />
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She is refusing counsel so that means that she does not want to make it work with you.<br />
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I would leave and move on and leave her in her own little misery. Why should you suffer and deny yourself a happy life with someone else because she has issues that she don't want to deal with.<br />
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It takes two to make a marriage work and if one is doing all the work---it is not going to last.<br />
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Leave and make yourself happy.

heyhihellokiss I agree with what you say in theory. But when one puts their desires above the other, then things go down hill fast. If my SO were sick, injured, no way for sex to be an option, I would never abandon her. I would shower them with affection, to show it did not matter.<br />
However, that said, My SO is healthy, has no interest in any affection or intimacy. Now this is the problem, I don't want a marriage ba<x>sed on "like" .If she loved me, she would never have withdrawn the affection. No Sex is just one manifestation of the lack of intimacy which all of mankind craves. Marriage is a two way street. Bth parties need to fully commit to serving the needs of the other, above there own.

love is complicated.. it knows no boundaries, in how to reach and grow and survive, yet everyone falls in and out of it every day, love can survive with out sex, if the drive is there to carry it,,, it is sad to say how much is to much and how long this can be waited to be worked out...depends on the morals and values one is raised up to have, ones compassion level and ones love in each other to have the right understanding for her, and her grief.. none knows of ones sorrow pain and hurt that is left over from childhood to rip away still an adults mind and body from such events of ones past... patients is key for yr spouse you do what you feel you have to do to be happy but dont hurt her in the process...ck

It sound like my story. The sex drop and abuse story came out after we were married. The refusal of therapy or doing anything about her past is the sticking point. What this is, is a case of the abuser becoming the abuser. As soon as my kids are out of college I am leaving. It's been many years of hell.

ElvenLadyAlika, you pegged it. some of the ignorant comments that suggest that "wife not interested, husband cant communicate" are ignorant and insulting to the complexity of the emotions in this situation. In my case, i communicated all the time. i suggested a vacation for the 2 of us. I suggested counseling. i offered all sorts of support including daily massages, flowers, special calls to tell her i loved her and to ask how her days were going...all to no avail. She outright rejected any meds to help her. She refused counseling and said it wouldnt help her. after almost 2 yrs, she told me that sex was over in our marriage because we'd had our kids and that sex was no longer needed. i was floored. i was never asked what my opinion was nor whether i liked it or not. Since that time, any time i've tried to get close to her, its like a steel door drops. I've decided that perhaps she needs a new source of inspiration in her life and hope to find a guy who can sweep her off her feet and give her a spark. (and alot more) its now been 10.5 yrs. since i was first rejected and my outlook on life has changed 180 degrees from what it once was when i thought that never ever could i consider stepping out of the marriage for my needs.

What a SAD story.... my thoughts and prayers she gets counseling to help BOTH of you!

There are certain things we all look for in a marriage. Most of us start out great. But as time goes on, one of us changes, or maybe both of us do. Our needs, wants and desires change.<br />
One would think that we would adapt to the "new" partner embracing the changes, accepting the differences. That is what a marriage should be, right? But it does not always happen. A lack of communication? maybe..I don't know why, but our needs and wants become different. My wife suddenly decided sex was not a part of the marriage, I was never consulted.<br />
We have no sex life. ( I am speaking of my wife and I) Why? All I know is that she began to refuse. As stated above, every excuse in the book, most making no sense at all. ( My wife once accused me of cheating on her, because she saw it in a dream) . To be honest, I don't think my wife even knows why she is a refuser. She says she is not "in love" with me anymore. So why is that?<br />
What can I do to make it better? Maybe thats it, it is over. I hate to think that, but if the refuser cannot even be honest with themselves, How can it ever change?

Let me postulate that our concept of marriage may be wrong. Consider different cultures where human nature is more into tune with religious norms. Monogamy may not be cast in stone. Millions of polygamists exist and my impression is that their way of life does not force men to be unfaithful, becoming perverts and molesters because of sexual frustration. Does anybody in this group subscribe to polygamous lifestyles? I doubt it very much.

Simple.<br />
Wife has no desire<br />
Man has poor relationship skills<br />
<br />
Husband has no desire<br />
Wife has poor relationship skills.<br />
<br />
Or both could need some education.<br />
<br />
Unless it's a health issue, which I'm not including in my post.

i think you folks have already written my story, it rips my heart out to be ignored by my wife and yet, i still love her but part of me is severely bitter about what she did to me by just cutting me off and ignoring my basic needs.

You need to address your own issues. One of which will be to learn how to make her respect you, feel totally safe with you and be less of a pushover.<br />
<br />
Look towards the behavioral dynamics of the wolf pack.<br />
<br />
The boy at the top gets all the attention.<br />
<br />
If you don't learn how to do this, you'll always have the same problem.<br />
However, if you are comfortable in your skin as an underling, don't learn the behaviors that will address the problem.<br />
<br />
And that behavior is learned.<br />
I know. My man did it, despite being bullied as a kid.<br />
He knows exactly when to apply what I call "big boy behavior". <br />
And it turns me on like you have NO idea.<br />
<br />
I lived with and loved a little boy once. When his wimpiness started to overshadow his physical sexiness (he was very sexy) I was no longer turned on by him. Still loved him tho, just not the wimpiness. Very irritating trait in a grown man.<br />
<br />
He could have learned "big boy behavior", like my new man did, but he couldn't be bothered, he thought we was born a wimp and was more comfortable with the payoff of being a victim loser than the sexual, social and career rewards of being a big boy.

Please could anybody tell me why child abuse does not affect sex before marriage and affects it after that. I think there is another problem we are not looking at

"Anyway, getting back to the topic of this experience. Although we had a decent sex life when we were dating, it went downhill after we were married. It actually started going downhill before we were married, but after we were married it really became bad. In the past year, we have had sex twice, and let me call it having sex, not making love. When we do have sex, it is of the lets hurry up and get it over with variety. "<br />
<br />
Sounds pretty normal if you ask me.. <br />
<br />
Sex life always fades away once married and the kids come along.<br />
<br />
The ones who survive.. Are the ones whos relationships aren't built around sex.. Nagging your partner will only make the issue 10 times worse and won't make you appeal to her at all.

We had a great sex life until I discovered that he was having sex on the side. Things started to go downhill from there. Even though he promised that it wouldn´t happen again, i just couldnt feel good anymore. Another hting was that I need to just be held to know that he loved me. Sex started feeling cheap--something he did with others.<br />
I´m not blaming the men out there, but I think that you should also consider what you bring to the relationship and see if any of the stuff you do may contribute, like making her feel ugly, or unwanted. Just a thought.

like my ex.<br />
it just couldnt be. she was too damaged to be with.<br />
i am/was too but am a fighter. she wasnt/isnt.<br />
and i had to move on.

The abuse would certainly explain your wife's frigidness. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to get help because you have natural needs and you don't want to be forced to get them met elsewhere.

You are a brave man!<br />
Think about getting outside support and help, first for yourself and then for your wife, with or without you. She needs to know, understand and appreciate the depth of your feelings.<br />
Good Luck!