I Am Young and Sexless Too...

I feel for you Razzie, Lord knows I do!! your case, just resembles so well to mine; not gay, not cheater husband, but a nice husband (my husband is a great person I must say) who is more than a roomate than a lover; and me too, I am too young to be a sexless wife; I am sure 30+ year married couples are having more than I do and it feels horrible. Advice like: talk to him about the problem so you both can find a solution is well intended advice, but as you and me now, sometimes is so useless. It is easier to say it than make it a reality, if it were so easy! and, actually I feel the same: I dont want to wake up at my early 40's, three kids and realize that I have never experienced what is it to be loved like anyone at any age deserves, with kids that need both parents; I always wanted to be a young mother but now kids are out of question, my husband can be the greatest dad but in this situation kids are not the solution; If it were a problem, a mistress, a physiological problem, at least I'd understand... Most men think I am a knockout but the very one is supposed to be all over me is not.... we are just married less than 2 years you see.... I want to give it a shot too, we human beings are stubborn and we tend not to give up easily so its easy for outsiders to say: just divorce him.... you are telling me, it is not that easy, i married him because i was in love.... But of course there is a breaking point and nobody can live like thart forever I was just pouring my thoughts good luck in whatever is your decision... But sometimes I thing I may get crazy! I have needs and feelings you know?
youngandsexless youngandsexless
26-30, F
66 Responses Feb 12, 2007

If your husband wont fofill your needs, find someone who will, even the bible says in corinthians, that to deny your spouse "comfort of the flesh, is to invite sin and adultery into your marriage" he has no right to be mad at you for seeking what he refuses to give you

what was it like before signing the marriage contract and then prior to the kids?

While I can empathise with you I also agree that it is almost impossible for to change the behaviour of someone who will not be intimate as I have spent the best part of twenty years while rearing our family in a sexless relationship and for all intensive purposed there is not much else wrong as we are good friends but I desire a little more than friendship, I have been tempted to have an affair but as you have alluded to it is very difficult for one to have confidence in oneself if the one that should be loving you continually rejects your advances, It is almost to late for me as I'm in my mid fifties but you are a young vivacious woman with a strong desire to have children which are off the agenda if you remain in your current situation so I would advise that you terminate the relationship before its too late as you can take it from me things wont improve in the sex department if you remain with this man
Best wishes and I hope you find happiness.

go to passion.com there will be some one close lookin for the same,,

Cheating is not the answer!

It's a real shame feel so bad

We humans are basically promiscuous beings, we love sex, but very soon want another partner. Even in older times married people were having affairs few years after marriage, but now in electronic age it is so easy to find partners that are willing to have an affair.
Marriage and long term relationship are killing lust, and sex without lust is no fun. Finding new sexual partner is easier than ever, and what a pleasure to have sex with a new partner...Remember famous married men, just to mention few of them, Prince Charles, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods....
The sexual pleasure is so beautiful that they put their careers in jeopardy for few moments of extreme pleasure. Same for women, we are both the same. Really there is no greater pleasure we humans can feel than sexual pleasure.
I was talking to many women and asked them about their wishes and the most secret desires and not surprisingly, they all dream of being penetrated by more than one partner at the same time. So sexual desires and promiscuous nature of humans are stronger than social and moral norms. Computer revolution just makes everything so easy, that many times people start having affairs after few months of marriage.

So my advice to you..... Go out, find yourself a suitable partner and **** your brains out before you grow too old......

u bet!

I totally agree! if you look at it scientifically,men are in the big picture made to procreate life,its in our genes to search for another mate after a while!

Understand ur frustration, for I to am in a sexless marriage. Still love my wife, just want to have sex once in a while. Our situation changed about 5 yrs ago when I was laided off work and she became breadwinner. Now I just work part time and take care of kids. She appreciates me a lot doing that but now seems like not time for anything else including sex. Divorce is out, been married to long. Am contemplating an affair with another married women. But to scared to go thru with it. Been married for 30 yrs. Did not have kids for first 17 yrs. Wife works all time now and I love her for that but just wished she would give me more attention. Too busy. Still might go thru with it later this summer. I understand ur situation.

Don\'t cheat. U wouldn\'t want her to cheat on u.

I never felt so not alone in this after reading. My husband is, though not diagnosed, I believe to be a sexual anorexic. He fits all criteria for the disorder. I am blamed frequently for it, he blamed my weight, I was not even close to overweight, but over time, I developed food anorexia which my psychiatrist thinks his denial of sex is the root of my eating disorder. I am still fighting anorexia, and losing.

He also has constant criticism on my every move, nothing I can do is ever right, projects his own insecurities about his sexual disorder onto me, takes the heat off of himself, or so to speak. I've been in this sexless marriage for five years, the bulk of these five years were asexual. I feel unattractive, ugly, undeserving, undesirable, out of control, self-hating, depressed, etc. I am too young for this, or so I thought, until researching that other young women like myself are suffering the same amount of low self-esteem and plunging morale in the marriage/relationship. There is no intimacy, no more compliments, not even a kiss on the cheek. He just sits at the tv or computer on my days off of work and tells me he's too busy for me, or he's too tired, has a headache, etc.

The only underlying reason I can see for his dysfunction is that he had a rigid (non-religious, though) family. There was almost no love between his parents, and whatever his mother said went around the house, she was really passive-aggressive, which I believe to be a learned trait, which he is taking out on me. That, and before me, he had meaningless sexual flings and short-lived relationships. I am not sure if he's cheating on me, as I don't snoop the computer history out of respect of his privacy, but most male sexual anorexics have a tendency for either **** addiction or cheating to avoid emotional attachment. I work a night job as soon as he gets home from work, that way we don't have to get daycare for our little ones.

Get out woman while you can. My X wanted us to move to mexico and i Kept thnking really can i trust myself to go live with him what if i fall for the butcher or someone since my husband is so sexless. These man who dont want to have sex should of become priests or monks thre is spirituality for you


Would like to be your butcher. Want to look at your naked body while on your fours, put my lips on your ***** lips and feel your warmth and moisture, want to explore you with my tongue...

so you love him. just because you divorce him does not mean you would stop loving him. you can still be friends but needs are needs and it would be better to find the one that can fulfil you. you are about to reach the period in which a woman peaks sexually it will be very frustrating for you to be with someone who does not want to have sx. come on women do not get married to be the "Virgin Mary" why live life with regrets? u gave it a shot and thats all you can do just because you get divorce does not mean you give up on the person yu can just have a different relationship just friends that can go out and do other physical things like lunch and jogging what ever. wake up and smell the roses because no one can smell them for you.

i'm in the same boat., want to scream

im in the same boat,,, i want to scream !!

I have known my husband for 7 years and haven't been married a year yet. I am in the same boat. My husband is a wonderful man. We used to have extremely passionate sex all the time, until we got married. Its like someone turned the switch. There is no cheating, my husband isn't exhausted from work (he only works MWF), and we don't have kids. We are young (early 20s) and we both love each other immensely. I don't understand why he doesn't want to have sex and I when we talk about it all he says is I don't know. I hope things work out for you and that you find a resolution.

GET OUT...while there are no kids...get out.. otherwise you will be like me..30 years into this and its never changed..the only answer I have ever got was "i dont know" They are wonderful men...but they dont know and we cant fix them.

I recently had another "talk" its been 15 years since the last one. I became void of emotion and intimate feelings, full of suppressed need and denial. I thought I was finally "over it" after all these years I had learned to live in my own lil world of self satisfying if the need arose. Then I found EP and realized I AM A HUMAN, NOTHING WRONG WITH ME other than I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused for 30 years...SO...ONE LAST DITCH EFFORT IS MADE. I will divorce if things dont change. I am nearly 50 now..not the perfect lil body I had in my 20's..a few wrinkles now..not sure if anyone would want me but Im going to try if H dont come around. For now he is saying he is sorry, he STILL DONT KNOW...but he will try. Its still degrading. GET OUT...before you end up like me.

what are u waiting for ?? aint gonna change have some fun @!

my well done you are still in love a friend of mine he spoke to me privately and told me he loved his wife so much and she loved hem dearly but the strain of not having sex was v hard on her and there relationship and would I be her lover I thought of it for some time and all tree of us chatted it is now 8 years and the sex for me is fab and my mate is happy so if you love hem who noes

my name is kartic (indian)<br />
if you feel sexless contact me ...i am also looking for lady ..keep me mail south250@yahoo.com

if your life is sexless why dont you have tried with other men ...many people are doing the same thing...if any lady is interested to have sex with otherman mail me south250@Yahoo.com....i am kartic from india

yet, some of you were saying monthly or quarterly, here I am, no sex for more than 6 years. What I can blame is only myself, I have been warned by all the signs even before our marriage, but I ignored them, put my blind hope into this man, now with 2 kids, I can't just step out of this. So so agree with somebody mentioned before, please, please no children come into this sexless marriage, it will harm more people - which are the kids.

Yes great that you shared,take care

Great post, thanks for sharing. Ditto.

I find a low libido in males has a number of sources. The ingestion of starch and sugars alcohol being the main one of these can over time affect every man but some men it affects them when they are very young and quickly.<br />
<br />
<br />
These three links deal with diet and 'real' food.<br />
<br />
The first is a doctor who had MS was confined to a wheelchair 7 years in changed her diet and walked within 3 months<br />
<br />
Diet doctor is the "Real foods" swedish doctor<br />
The last is Primal/Paleo dieting.<br />
<br />
I recommend you look at them all<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pla<x>yer_em<x>bedded&v=KLjgBLwH3Wc<br />
<br />
http://www.dietdoctor.com/<br />
<br />
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/<br />
<br />
<br />
Those links will give you some resources towards having diets that will make men have more energy and higher levels of testosterone and a healthier body. It has the side effect of making women slender and full of energy as well. I've seen 2 people on this diet within a few months with type II diabetes stop using insulin completely. Everyone I know who's been on one who was overweight lost weight easily felt satisfied and were happy.<br />
<br />
I find for myself I have much more energy and a higher sex drive and I'm in my 60s.<br />
<br />
Beyond sexuality is complex. There is a book called Sex at Dawn, which looks at the historical and genetic backgrounds of human sexuality. There seems to be a great deal of evidence that when women are taking multiple lovers that it makes the men even more sexually excited. This is a fascinating book and I read it through my library using Kindle. I would highly recommend you take a look at it and see if it does not give you some ideas.<br />
<br />
I have worked with a number of couples where the husband had lost interest and found renewed interest when his wife had multiple lovers. this is not something everyone can do or at least many imagine they cannot do, however there are a lot of horny men out there in the world think of it as your civic duty. LOL

Quote: "it is not that easy, i married him because i was in love...." /quote So... you were in love? Is it gone? You know, this what happens to you isn't normal behaviour for a man. Most times it is the other way around. With which I do not say THAT is normal behavior. <br />
Have you are just plain told him you are IN need of a lover? When you still love him you should, in my opinion. His answer will tell you whether he still loves you. Compassion is THAT important within a relation.... just test him for your own sake. I know it's not "the" solution, but as you know the solution will never come. So fight! For yourself as for him!<br />

Give him the chase! Get a separate life away from the home. He will soon get interested again! Mark my words.xxx

I may consider doing that too. Giving up on him entirely is a little premature. Try this tactic first, since many of us realize what we are missing once it is gone.

This thread is really sad and comforting. Sad because it appears that many of us WANT it to work out with our spouses. We married them because we LOVED them, wanted totally happiness with them for the rest of our lives. Comforting because we're here, hurting together, sharing our stories, encouraging one another.<br />
<br />
My story is VERY similar to youngandsexless. My husband is a nice person, a good friend, an awesome roommate, though he could help keep the house clean more than he does. I'm in my mid 20's, he's approaching 30 fast. we dated a few years before we got married, been married for a few years. I'm not satisfied, he doesn't meet my emotional and physical needs. I've had 3 emotional affairs, and I've stepped outside of my marriage for sex twice. I told him about the emotional affairs, I felt terrible. I told him why I did it, and what was missing from our relationship that drove me that way, nothing changed.<br />
<br />
Sex, well, he's super spiritual and is still searching to find what is off limits in the bedroom. I think this is just an excuse as to why he doesn't do certain things. I told him I want the total act of sex, nothing off limits. One way I express my love and desire is through sex. Nothing is off limits to me, that's my way of expressing to a man that i trust you, there's nothing I won't do for you if you give me all of your heart. I will protect you, love you, cherish you, make you believe that you're a king in an urban setting. My husband bores the HE.LL outta me in the bedroom. He has no passion, there's no chemistry between us anymore, he has turned me off.<br />
<br />
After going so long and me compromising in the bedroom, I just don't want him that way. When I discuss what I need, he doesn't respond, like he just sits there and says he has nothing to say. I believe that if it's this way now without children, it will get worse after the children come.<br />
<br />
The lack of sexual fulfillment, the lack or romance, the boredom,, the fact that we share no hobbies, have nothing in common, and seem to be on two different paths is making me seriously consider divorce.<br />
<br />
I know he’ll be a great father, so I've considered staying for that, but if he's a great father and a whack husband, what good will it be?

I am not as young as most of you are but have been in the same situation. I was young, just married and barely got any action. I kept thinking maybe it was something I wasn't doing right. I bought sexy lingerie, DVDs, candles, books. Everything I could think of. Ten years and three kids later I recently found an e-mail sent to his ex girlfriend telling her that she was his soulmate and he could never love anyone the way he loved her. I can't really say I was surprised. I always wondered how someone can say they love you and be so distant. Now that he knows I found the email he claims that he is ready to put the past behind him and try to make our relationship work for the kids sake. I love my kids and I want to do whats best for them....but the love I had for him finally died when i had to drive myself to the hospital in labor with our last daughter. After which he text me to say why did I have to wake him up to tell him I was going to the hospital bc he couldnt fall back to sleep.......All I can say is, if nothing changes, don't wait till it's too late.

If any of you ladies arn't getting enough sex and you live in My area just let me know, and I'll deputise<br />
for him...............<br />
Its a bit of a sacrifice, I know but I'm unselfish like that................... :)<br />
<br />

'So sure to say love ba<x>sed on genuine true love can survive all the turmoil that come the way of two genuine lovebirds. But where other motives did galvanise the union, am damn sure the story will just be the same...downhill love, no kisses and diminishing sexlife bla bla bla.

I am in the same boat only I am the husband. My wife is hard working, responsible... But the intimacy isn't there. I have been married for a little over 3 years now and We have had sex 14 times. This includes the wedding night. When we married she just turned off. She has three children, thats alot of extra baggage. But I would have taken the responsibility of an army, only if she came with the package. I'm not just seeking the act of sex but true intimacy, emotionally, sexually, and physically. ( however, right about now I might settle for just sex) I want that deep bound and excitement to be in the presence of my love. But my wife has been rejecting me and this hurts deeply. I wish I could get her to understand the importance of regular intimacy in marriage but it's like talking to a wall! She has a stubbornness about her. I thought when you love someone you seek to fulfill there needs? I don't even understand this kind of love. Though the pain of rejection time and time again has caused me to give up pursuing her. It would be easier to have intimacy from the head nun at a nunery, than my own wife. I love her and don't want a divorce but having an affair isn't an option to me so I am left with little choices. I decided to look into the bible to find answerers, and I was shocked to find out how God views marriage. It is actually awesome if both parties choose to submit to Love. But we can't make our spouses love us. It is there choice, ultimately. You should read my story titled " what does God think about a sexless marriage" it shows what the bible says about this topic, it's awesome! And if marriage was this way I would definitely want to be married. But this thing I have has only been a roomate relationship. This isn't acceptable to me. I desire more than that. My wife and I are still married but now we live separately. I have come to the conclusion, that I just have to wait for her to return to the marriage. But I don't know how long I can last. And it is indefinite, as to when she will return. I have been contemplating divorce, because pouring my heart to her is just a waste of time. I wish she knew how awesome our relationship could be if we both had selfless love for each other, showing this through intimacy and care for the others needs, wants, and desires. I am growing weary of caring the whole relationship on my shoulders. I hope you get a chance to read my story and give me input to what I think I have discovered about marriage. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing brother.

I can't believe there are so many people in my situation here. I don't know if that should make me feel hopefully or just cry harder. I love my husband so much. When he tells me he loves me I want to believe it but I just feel like his lack of desire for wanting me is going to end up destroying our marriage. We have two boys 11 and 5. I feel so sad. I feel like I am in a bad movie, I never thought my life would end up like this. I just wish there was something that could make me believe him when he says he wants to stay married. I don't want to wait 13 years until my youngest is 18 and find out that I have been a fool to beleive in him all this time.

I know how you feel. I have asked my wife many times, why did you marry me if you don't love me? I just don't understand why she wants to remain and I don't want to be the responsible party to cause wounds in the relationship and divorce her but she is leaving me know other options. God gave us the need to be loved, and our sex drive. The sex drive is suppose to be fulfilled in marriage. Sorry about your pain. I know the feelings all too well. You can read my story titled What does God think about a sexless marriage.

It can be very tough to cope with this. I have to cope with a wife who had sex often with her ex-boyfriends and ex-husband, but when I came along I guess she decided she didn't have to have hardly any sex with me. I feel much less like a man than when I got married, let me tell you. And I now have doubts about being able to please a woman, so although my wife recently kicked me out of the house and divorce is looming, I am NOT looking to date, nor hook up. I don't want to disappoint another woman sexually.

Reading this has actually made me feel like I'm not so alone anymore. I googled sexless marriage to find that 15% of marriages are considered sexless having sex no more than 10 times in one year. I have been been married for six years, I'm 30 years old and feel like I'm still fairly attractive but 10 times in one year would be a miracle in my marriage. We haven't had sex 10 times in one year since the first year of our marriage. I'm not unattractive and my husbad is very good looking but he has hurt my feelings so many times that its hard to allow myself to be sexually attracted to him anymore. We have only had sex once this year on our anniversary. It had been nearly 4 months and we tried and he just went limp on me. I felt so terrible about myself. How do others cope with this?

I feel we belong to the same class and wonder whether we can meet someday

though its something that we have to depend on the significant other i spend my time fantasizing the guys i met in the past and ************. call me a loser. but it gives satisfaction that i have to keep up my mental sanity.

you peple are educated white collar job are yapping too much.<br />
truth: men and women have different sex drive. a handsome lean guy may really<br />
be low or non existent in sex. and the fat slob may f cuk a teenager.<br />
<br />
and somehow there is no way to know that untill you are into marriage...<br />
<br />
nature and propagation of the species doesnt care about love and your worries.<br />
you have fathered/mothered kids and so nature is satified.<br />
<br />
its up to you to go find a man/woman that will meet your sex needs.nature doesnt<br />
know or care about.it only knows your offsprings.

I am with you on this one, good luck and i understand the love bit, I really hope it works out for you.

I'm in the same boat... I kind of wish we could just break up, and I could be free to be lonely and have a sex life again..... but then I think of all we have together, how we care for each other and how much we are tied into each other's lives... and it makes me too sad to think of it. But now that I've started thinking about it... I feel like if we don't split up soon, we will waste these amazing years of our lives.... I'm 22. I recently met an old flame and just him brushing off me in the hall was.... electrifying. It brought up all the feelings of resentment I have locked away. I don't want to get with my old flame, but it reminded me of what sexual chemistry is capable of making you feel... and I want that feeling again. Would I trade it in for love and companionship? I don't know....

hi, married 11 years, together 14. 2 kids. no sex. it's destroying my mind. i stay for the kids. we've talked about it n all. i want to take a lover, but i don't want to hurt him. and being married, no decent man wants to know. he's never been enough for me, I'm a once a day person, he's once a month but now just never, since i told him it wasn't enough. he never really was that bothered about pleasing me either. We're best friends though . It is so ridiculous you just have to laugh. I'm so depressed i can't function and just constantly fantasize about sex. It is so good to read i'm not alone, though i wish none of us had to go through this. I think this monogomous ideal and idea that " when i fall in love it will be forever" and happy ever after rubbish we're brought up on isdoing us all a great deal of harm. It should be acceptable to have a mistress or mister, again, the french are right ! it is the 21st century for gods sake !<br />
hope you all find what you need.

I would have to say that you might want to consider divorce, but staying friends, because it is very difficult. I was in your situation 3 years ago. We only had one child at the time, but we were good friends and roommates. He sleeps on the couch, and I have the bedroom. Now we have three children and it is best to stay together, but the nights really get lonely and I have found that everything is effected by our lack of intimacy.

It's so tough folks. I'm only 27 and entering into what I know will be a sexless marriage because it's been a nearly sexless relationship. Some of you are probably thinking, "DON'T DO IT!" but like me122 said, love is tough to give up, as is a fantastic relationship. For those of you considering divorce - did you try couples therapy? You never know what will come out. Perhaps the truth. I can't honestly believe that ANY man is uninterested in sex with a woman unless he's sexually interested in men, but I live with one that appears that way. They do make great roommates though.

this is actually my first posting. I have been reading stories so similar to mine over the past year. I am 42 and have been in the same situation. I am that 40 something year old person with 2 kids that you don't want to be. It has been very difficult. It started with no sex after my second child 8 years ago, then no intimacy, then severe breakdown in communication. I am the bad guy (actually girl) because I am the one that decided to end it. I have a good career and have to pay him half my paycheck because he only works part time. we are splitting everything 50/50. I left him in August and it has been very difficult. He basically wanted me to stay for the kids, however I could not do that. I don't want them to grow up and think that is the way love and marriage are supposed to be.

Hi, I have the same problem but I know he isn't cheating and there is nothing wrong with either of us. It's our relationship- we are affectionate and loving with each other, we are kind to each other and when we met we had none of the love but had amazing sex all over the furniture. We were housemates and came to love each other after a few months of constant sex. We were also not working at the time. Now we both work and live alone together- but somehow we replaced the sex with love, and it's so hard to get the sex back. We recently have had a few bad attempts, saying "right we will have sex at x time" and it was so uncomfortable. There was zero passion in it. We're both young but I'm particularly young. We both have moments we kind of pinpoint as being the start of it- but I keep trying to say let's leave the past behind and just get it back, stop talking about who started it even though his reason for why it's my fault is very flimsy and way after we started having this problem. I don't want to blame him but he keeps saying "yeah, i'll try of course but you did this a year ago" and I feel so unattractive to him. He always says I'm pretty and stuff but he used to tell my I was sexy and hot in this deep growling voice that made me want to jump him. I know that if he made me feel sexy I would be able to fix the lack of passion because I know a bj would turn him on but I keep trying to tell him and aside from saying "tell me I'm sexy in a growly voice" which would completely make it feel forced, I don't know how to make him understand. He hasn't tried in months- I have tried a few times at night but he says he is tired and we can try in the morning- then in the morning when I am half asleep he occasionaly tries but I'm not a morning person at all and I just fall back asleep because all he does is rub up against me. He's really good in bed- at sex- and I feel uncomfortable with much foreplay- so I really need him to turn me on by making me feel attractive. How can I make him understand that? I do try, but he keeps blaming me and I feel that he thinks I'm accusing him by saying I want to feel sexy. I'm not- I just know it's a possible solution. I really want to make this work- we love each other and I want to have a family with him, he's a wonderful man and we are so close- but this one thing is just right in the middle of our lives andmaking me feel worse and worse about myself.

Get your needs somewhere else and tell him!! He is not in the situation to deprive you from that. Or make him a cuckold, he might even enjoy that. xx

OMG people!!! Why are punishing ourselves? Is this what God, the Creator, Allah, etc. wants for us? Are we for real? I am in my second marriage and the same thing is happening again. Am I an *******? Do I attract this to myself? Why is this happening? I feel for all of you brothers and sisters. We must find our way clear of this issue somehow. I think the French actually accept the ideas of happy marriages with mistresses and "Misters." Is that what we need to do?

seems to me we all got the bait and switch model! why oh why couldn't we all find someone with matching libidos?<br />
To "me122" I don;t mean to talk down to you, but you do know that women tcan take a long time to warm up, noit just go in the bedroom and turn on a switch. To get her in the mood you need to do little things starting at least the day before. nothing is sexier than a man washing dishes...yeah I know, sounds weird... but do little things ahead of time, doesnt have to be sexy or naked in front of the kid, although it doesn't hurt for the child to see the parents are in love.

I loved my husband so much but right from the beginning he was never interested in sex. I stayed with him because I guess there was always hope he would change. Lifes so unfair - after years of frustration and me trying to discuss I ended up cheating it destroyed my marriage and hurt my teenagers as it was with one of their friends - I really screwed up. We had the "perfect" appearing lifestyle and I made us all look like fools. I didn't have the balls to leave though obviously. And when I was noticed and wanted by a handsome young male - nothing else in the world mattered - all i wanted was to feel wanted - after 8 years of rejection. Now I am trying to piece my life back together. My husband was a good husband I just wish he wanted to make love with me once in a while - if we ever did it felt like he was being made to do a chore, I will never understand as I am attractive and desired by so many - yet the man I loved didn't treasure me. I'm really broken.

Ok update: I am leaving. After more than four years I can not take it anymore. I am sad but glad and calm with my decision. If you dont have kids, just leave! My two cents. I am slim, in shape and a good looking woman and that won´t turn anyone from ice to being hot. He is the way he is.<br />
good luck to you all

Just a heads up, have any of you had your husbands testosterone checked???? My husband and I still have little to no sex but the up side, if there is one, is that we found out his testosterone was WAY low. Like that of a 10 year olds. This explains him never wanting and it and avoiding it like the plague.<br />
<br />
we are now on testosterone therapy and we still have little to no sex but we are also only like six weeks into therapy and they've advised it could take months to get his levels back up. This is also called Andropause, like women men can go into andropause early as my husband did.<br />
This new fix will not take away the couple of years of HELL he's put me through feeling rejected or like a sexual predator in my own marriage everytime I ask if we can have sex, but at least it's a start. Just thought I would share as it took us a LONG time to figure out what the problem was. Getting your husband testosterone checked would be a good first step...... a good testosterone count is anywhere between 300-800. My husbands was 150...... best of luck to you all, I know where you've been.

Otto69 has nailed it. Unfortunately he wasn't around when I got married 30 years ago and realized right away a mistake had been made. I was too wracked with guilt to call her out on the problem. I feel the same as he - that if she did decide to change, I would be the denier, because deep inside, I want another chance with someone else - someone without the history, the memories.

I have been amazed and a little relieved to see that I am not the only young married woman who can't seem to get my husband to have sex. When we first met, we had sex all the time. Then he got an idea in his head that it was wrong and we shouldn't have sex any more until we were married. I never cared about the married thing, but if that was the rule...ok. We got married almost 4 years ago. Then he needed back surgery. Then he needed another back surgery. Then he had some mystery illness that had him out of work for another 9 months. Since I met him 5 years ago, he has worked and made money maybe a total of 15 months. My life is a wreck, my finances are totally screwed and...to top it all of...the kicker of this delightful relationship is that I can't manage to get sex from him. Apparently I am too negative and resentful and it hurts his feelings that I feel that he has ruined my life that was going along quite nicely before his arrival. I try to be understanding and kind and non controversial so I can get some...but no. I can't express that I want some, because that is pressuring him. If I don't express that I want it, he claims that he didn't think I would be receptive. I have told him...if I am breathing, you can pretty much bet I will be receptive. I definitly feel like the guy in our relationship. It's sex...not rocket science. Don't overthink it. Thanks for listening to my story.

I am amazed at the number of women complaining about being in a sexless marriage, particularly those women who say they are physically attractive. Your husbands are either having an affair or there is something physiologically wrong with them. Like many of you I have a wonderful marriage but for the physical relationship. Sex is great when my wife and I do it, but the infrequency drives me crazy. I don't know the solution and for me divorce is not an answer, but if I could find a similarly frustrated wife who is not looking for a relationship, but just for some good sex, I think it would work.

There are alot of men that would love to meet alot of you women writing these stories. How did we all get stuck with the same problem when sex is supposed to be everywhere.....

get out of it!! I am living now your fear of waking up at 40 and not knowing what being loved as a woman means. I am too married to a wonderful man that just touches me once a year and just cause I get upset if he doesn't. Like you I loved him, and gave it a try, but the selfishness of not caring about my needs and emotions is pushing me so away from him. Now, at 41, i am trying to start on my own, but the hopes of ever being loved, desired, connected in body and soul to a man are going to he drain.<br />
<br />
i built up a lot of anger and now I am trying to get rid of it. it is hard, so run while you can, while you are young and can enjoy that part of life that all women dream of...

Ah these men are either gay or stupid....lol

I'm going to be the bad guy: if you love your husband but he's not performing, then I say have a non-emotional sexual adventure with someone who is experienced in bed. My wife knew that I love sex and love to experiment, but even before we had our son, the sex was gone except for once a month or so. I tried rekindling the relationship & sex but nothing worked. I winded up ************ for a few years but that eventually got old. Every woman deserves sexual releif on a daily basis :-)

I suggest getting a divorce as this is the best that it is going to be-that is the "honeymoon stage" of the marriage. I think that in the future, she is going to stray and that will rip your heart out.

Help!!! I am recently married (almost two months), and my wife told me that she is unhappy in the marriage. We rarely have sex (it's been this way for the better part of the past year), and that is a big issue with her. Personally, I want to have sex, find her very attractive, and am in love with her. But I must admit that I have not been in the mood much at all when I'm home. I am going to set up an apppointment to see a doctor and see if I have any conditions that may cause a lower sex drive. I told my wife I will do anything it takes to work on our sex life, marriage, and anything else that needs attention. But it seems to me that she has given up. We've been together for 3 years (married two months).<br />
<br />
She has told me that she loves me but is not sure if she is in love with me. I asked her how long she has been feeling this way, and she told me for a while now. And then I asked her if she felt this way before the wedding, and she said yes. Of course this really upset me, because she never said anything to me about it until now. And I can't see how anyone would get married if they weren't happy in the relationship. None of this makse sense to me. Any questions I ask are typically answered with, "I don't know." And she has been very defensive about this. She has said some pretty harsh things to me as of late, mostly blaming me for the reason she is not happy. But what she tells me does not make any sense. For example, I travel a lot for my job, and she says she wants someone who is around more........and I'm not. But she knew this going into the mariage, and I've had this work schedule ever since we met 3 years ago. Also, when I am home, she is always on the computer playing World of Warcraft (a video game). I believe she is addicted. I get turned down for dinner, movies, etc, so she can play her game. So I am totally confused and at a loss here. Nothing makes sense to me about this situation. I love this woman and want to try and work it out, but I feel that she has already given up. I don't get it. She flip flops on whether or not she will agree to counseling. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. I don't want to lose my wife. Thank you.

All you young people....just remember that this is the best that it is going to be from this point in the marriage on......get out and find someone else....it does not get better and it is not worth it-it has not been worth it for me.

i am new to this site so it's a little wierd to be expressing anything about this. i have been married for 5 yrs. and our problems started on the honeymoon. sex has always been a struggle on his part and i don't know why. he's an awesome guy and great father, just not a good husband. well, not good with our relationship, he is a good provider and helps me if i need it and does make sacrifices for the family, but there is no love between us. i tried for the first 3 yrs and now i'm just numb. i don't want to bring it up again, i don't want to fight about it, we are just living in this fake world it seems. i don't believe in divorce (unless vows have been broken or abuse is involved), so that's not what i want. but i want to be loved......don't i deserve that???? i have become bitter and i know i'm not pleasant to be around. alot of times i'm happy with my daughter and then he comes home and it's over. i really don't know what to do. we went to counceling for 2 yrs. and it helped somewhat, but not the sex. that was really never discussed with me, just privately with him and the councelor. we talked about separating a couple of days ago, all i can think about is my daughter. i don't want her to go through that. i will live unhappy for her emotional health, but i don't want her to grow up and think that this is how marriage should be. she deserves the best and i want to give her that. anyways..........just venting, you are not alone :)

OMG your story sounds like mine. Married five years, have a daughter and I'm 9 months pregnant. I would have to beg him to have sex to get pregnant this time. But I'm so bitter, angry and resentful towards him. Sometimes I just want to say "f" it, I'll be a single mother but it KILLS me to think about taking my daughter away from her dad.

Thank goodness I've found people with similar experiences - I thought I was going crazy!<br />
<br />
I've been married for six months now. The man I married is, for the most part, a good guy. But I seem to bring out the worst in him. Over the past few months especially, he's emotional - cries all the time, gives me grief whenever I express an opinion different than his, and, the reason I'm here - no sex. We've had sex once in the time we've been married.<br />
<br />
I feel like I'm reaching my wit's end. He says he loves me so much, but he refuses to respond to any attention I give him and even refuses to answer questions about why we're not having sex. He just cries and says I'm badgering him (I've asked once).<br />
<br />
I know I should leave, but man, is it hard....<br />
<br />
Sorry for the ramblings. I guess, thanks for letting me vent. It's so hard to find someone who really understands....

Thank guys for all the support.... at this point I have not taken a decision yet.... yep, call me a coward, an indecisive girl, etc, etc, but maybe at just 26 I am not mature enough to take such a decision.... what i am sure I am not having kids yet and certainly won´t wait till I am 30 to change this situation....<br />
but how could it be that at attractive female (married female) is sexless? But that´s is what I am

Same thing I'm under 30 and very depresed because I have been married for 10 years. I'm about to bee 30 and I have sex one a year. I feel old and ugly even though other man do find me atractive. I really tried a lot of ways to connect but I dont know what to do anymore I'm giving up and I feel so sorry about our kids. because I want my kids to grow with us together but one can take so much. I can't complaint in other areas on my marriage but is like we're roomates. I have think on telling him that we should date other people while living in the same house, i rally need to feel appreciated and loved and I don't mean in words "I want som action" if you know what I mean. good luck!!

ok i am new to this and i am a married male for 10 years. and yes it is a sexless marriage. in fact i joke to my friends and say i am on the quarterly program. but it's the truth. i do have a child and being sexy with my wife when we are alone is hard. she just don't want to do anything. reading everybody's story has hit me that there are more of people like me out there. to youngandsexless all i can say hang in there. that is what i do. i talk to my wife and try to make her feel sexy and it just don't work. maybe you can spice thing up for him. do something out of the ordinary and suprise him. but it does take two. i do not endorse divorce. expecially if you do love him. and this is coming from a guy that has no sex life at all. love will prevail. and if he does love you he will respond to you if you try something diffrent. i try doing diffrent thing with my wife and they don't work but maybe it will work for you.

So glad to hear there are other young wives with this problem. I think that my husband's lack of desire is what is making me feel soo horribly alone, and worthless. My MIL also badgered me about my weight.. so I am unconfident that way as well. My husband too is just a nice guy.. who assures me every day he loves me.. and he hugs and kisses me and maintains he is sexually attracted to me.. but says he finds sex unappealing. I feel its me.. he says its not.. I'm completely confused and feeling hurt.. hang in there though..

Well, all of you appear to be women who are unhappy with their wives. But I'm a guy who has this problem with my wife. I've been married for a little over six years now, and for the past six years, our sexless nights have grown into months. After our first child, sex occurred maybe once a month. I feel like I was trapped into marriage, because prior to our marriage, we had sex every night, or just about every night. But it wasn't long before she began to turn me away. I put up with it for 5 years, sex once a month, sometimes every other month. Being in the military, we had to be apart a lot, and things just got worse. I'd be heading to a course, and she wouldn't touch me, so I'd go months without sex. The last straw was when she went back to her country for a visit with our two children, yeah, we ended up having another child, sex was good for one month trying to get her pregnant again. Anyway, we were planning on being apart 9 months, and the night before she and my kids left, she didn't touch me, promised, but nothing, so when she came back, I decided that was it, no more sex. I wasn't going to have sex just once a month like a kid waiting for their treat. This has lead to our decision to get a divorce. Like many of you have mentioned, you don't want to be in a marriage for many years, and be unhappy. I'm not going to do it either.

Wow, I am new to this site and I am so happy I found it. I have the very same problem as you all. I have been married only 3 yrs now, and my sex life is terrible. I am only 27 and just like you, most men do think I am so attractive. I am educated and have a great job. What is the problem? I just do not know. My husband is a perfect roomate. He treats me very well, and together, we have 1 son. I am just not happy at all. I am constantly depressed and sad. I feel very alone, and I can't believe this is the end of my life. Is this how it is supposed to be? I talked to him about my feelings, and he always says that he will change. Reality is that this has been going on too long, and he has not changed. He claims to be interested in me sexually, however his actions speaks a different tone. I am to the point where I am getting attracted to someone else and I can't even believe this is happening. What should I do here? I really need some strength and good direction. Thank you all so much...

maybeoneday iam so sorry 4 you you are talking about me but iv lived like this for 10 years and we have 3 kids dont know how realy cos i cant rember the last time we sleeped togeather over 2 years i think. it so hard and cos your sad and feel unloved all the thing that shouldnt bother you do.

DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN. Children make you feel like you have to stay in this situation. If he is not willing to get counseling or see a doctor or both go into counseling then seek some for yourself. You are at the point of harming yourself mentally by the doubts, insecurities and general hopelessness your are feeling. Empower your self to move on if that is what it takes. Good luck.

I share this malady. This is a good forum to talk it out. Let's chat.

I'm in the same boat... 25 and losing my mind over the issue. I am also being very tempted to sleep with someone else. Even short term romance and attention from another man is better than the ongoing hope of romance from my husband. Maybe we should just go for it, its not like we have much else to lose, it seems :( Good luck to you hun

1 More Response

anniecoyote you hit me hard! yes sometimes I wonder, despite the assurances my husband gives to me and that he assures me he loves me deeply if this is not a way to push me away so I am the one that get moody, bitchy (sexlessness causes these sypmtoms if you haven´t noticed) so I will ask for the divorce, he wont need to and bang! i am the bad of the movie.... best luck in your case, well in mine my hubby always had low libido so in your case I wouldnt rule out infidelity (or is he taking meds? because then maybe the meds are the cause of his sudden lower libido). A man who has high libido and is used to hot daily sex does not change suddenly, that is not normal. Be aware to that possiblity. Hugs and best luck in your case

I am newly wed and we only have sex about twice a month. My husband already complain that I am moody and bitchy. I totally agree with you. Having no sex makes us lose the balance. It becomes a vicious circle. Less sex - moody and bitchy - no sex. Same as you, my husband is a good man otherwise. So I'll give it a try, one year is my limit. good luck with you all.

Waiting for things to change is a big mistake. Each time you are sexually frustrated, your relationship takes a wound. Each time you feel rejected, each time you feel sad that you could be having good sex right now, but instead you just lay in bed or watch tv or whatever, new wound. A year from now, you will have same sexless situation, spouse that is more entrenched in his/her ways, much lower self esteem, much more hatred for the situation, which eventually you will realize is quite personal toward the other one. My wife finally understood (at least somewhat) and we are trying to heal, but the pain of years of fighting is… staggering.

I wish my husband and countless other neglectful spouses would read what it feels like on the other end instead of ignoring their spouses needs

I am new to this site and am just beginning to have this problem in my marriage of 1 1/2 yrs after 4 yrs of knowing each other and hot daily sex. Where did it go? I have blamed myself over and over for my age, our age difference (I am 10 yrs older than he), my looks, everything. Well, you know what, it isn't me and it isn't you. You will end up destroying yourself like I am doing now. Go to counseling and give the situation a deadline. I have given a deadline to my spouse. 2 months is about all the more I can take and that is what he gets. I often wonder if when spouses do this kind of thing if they aren't deliberately trying to get divorced without having to ask the question, to push you away so you are the one who asks or leaves.

Maybe he wanted to get into your good graces and then marry and live off of you and then when marriage did not turn out to be what he thought he wants to divorce you and get half of everythin you own because I'm sure you're the higher earning spouse.

RUN!As fast as you can to the exit. i am in the same boat but my boat left 7 years ago and it now has 3 children. children adds alot of pressure to stay in a loveless marriage. life is way to short. You deserve a happy, full ( sex/loving) life, do it with someone who can fulfill your most important needs.

Absolutely, when kids are involved it's a completely different story. Thanks for reminding me of this. I have 3 kids as well and I am in a pretty much sexless marriage, but all in all I guess I need to suck it up.

I suggest you strongly consider getting out before it is too late....i.e. Kids. Despite having a strong faith that tells me divorce is wrong, I also believe that a spouse that will not have sex is no different than a spouse that cheats! Both are in violation of "unfaithfulness." When we take our vows we promise we will "not sleep with other people," but we also promise "to sleep with each other." Like all things in marriage this promise is not on our terms but on our spouses terms---saying no to sex is like saying no "I don't want to visit your parents." It doesn't matter if you want to, supporting one another was part of the deal when you married. Would you stay with your husband if he decided he was going to quit his job and stay home to watch TV all day--for the rest of his life! What if he decided he was going to get drunk for the rest of his life? Well I can tell you from experience that living in a sexless marriage can not be any less difficult than living with an unemployed, selfish, alcoholic! A sexless marriage will ultimately lead to a barrage of other problems and fights that will ultimately destroy the positive parts of the marriage. If kids are involved I'd say suck it up, without kids I say seek advice and discuss getting out---like my wife, he is not being "faithful" to the true definition of marriage.

Youngandsexless:<br />
<br />
I have married the same type of man and have woken up 40 years old in a marriage that is less than I deserve. I am so unhappy and so alone. Good luck in you situation.