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My Husband Knows But Doesn't Care

I know that there is hardly ever a moment that I do not want or think about sex. I may not always feel SEXY but the thoughts are always there. Since my husband accidently read my story, not too much has changed. At the time, I was embarrassed, scared, and worried about his reaction to how I felt. I poured my heart out anonymously to all the sexless married people on this website and never thought he would know my true feelings. It was really bad at first. Now we are back to our ordinary, go to work, come home, eat dinner, help daughter with homework, watch T.V. , he goes to bed, I go to work, he goes to work, I go to bed.....You get the picture, right? I recently took a job working third shift. I really wasn't sure if I would like it but I do. It takes my mind off of lying next to him in bed, trying to snuggle and spoon, but still no sex. I have the bed to myself when I get home, no one snores, no one steals the covers. On my 2 nights off, I sleep like everyone else. (At night!) Most of the time I end up on the computer till about 3 am and then go to bed. It is unbearable lying in bed with the man I love knowing he has no desire for me. I stare at the ceiling. My Mom always told me " You can't force someone to love you!" I have the love just not the lover.
emptyheart emptyheart 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 18, 2007

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You posted this a long time ago. Are you still on EP? Where did things go from this point? Are you still with him?

My husband is my best friend. That being said... Our sex life is less than satisfying. He gets his ****** and is done. I'm left unsatisfied. I've tried communicating with him and suggesting different stuff together. Bottom line is he's a very selfish lover. Best advice I can give is to do what I did. Go to an adults only shop and purchase a realistic feeling adult toy with the shaft and balls. then store it in a large zip lock baggy and hide it so dear husband doesn't get jealous or have his feelings hurt but you still can satisfy yourself in private.

I'm new to this site...I also have a sexless marriage. We've been married for last 7 years but only the first year was so fun and almost every other day we had sex... And I got pregnant and had a baby girl. My daughter sleeps with us no matter how many time I go and put her in her room...she starts to cry and my husband gets angry and he brings her back to our room...(still she sleeps with us in the middle)<br />
I've spoken to my husband about my sex feeling he doesn't even care about me and doesntt listen to me he will be watching tv or front of the computer.... So this has been happening for last 5 years. So I found a job 2years ago so I can forget my sex feelings.. And I thought My husband will miss me but it was a bad move he was very happy coz extra money coming. But still sometimes I can't control my feeling,and it's like waiting for Christmas to have sex...only once a year we have sex but still only if I'm lucky..I've come from a typical family where I can't divorce or find someone else. So now I'm living for my daughter...can someone pls tell me what to do....

My wife wont have sex but thats ok........I have a girlfriend.

I am a woman and I would say shame on you but, you only live once! If you've communicated and your wife won't change, do YOU! I am having issues with my husband. I will not cheat in him but will have a high cable bill lol!

my husband wont touch me either and i hate it. i have gone on and on over the years, he says i dont touch him? i tried all that and he said he felt pushed... he holds my hand and sys he loves me and may touch my nipple but thats it. im 53 this year and i even went to counciling alone and told him what they said. still nothing? can i live like this? yes i love him but i miss us so much.

Without getting into a long story, my wife was convicted of a crime and with that lost her job....She makes no money...she always wants though..hair do, nails done, new car, gym memebership etc....She makes me feel like a piece of crap..I work hard as she doesnt understand that we lost her salary yet living the same way....I discussed with her that she makes me feel unwanted, not cared for etc...she doesnt tell me she loves me, doesnt hug me,.doesnt initiate sex, etc.....I work two jobs to support our family, yet she spends most if not all day at the gym, playing games on facebook, texting etc...<br />
I think its time for me to get a divorce as my needs are not being met...any suggestions???? Thanks<br />
I

I wouldn't wish the life of what your'e going through on anybody.... BUT; I'm glad I'm not alone anymore thinking, I was the only one who is experiencing a sexless marriage... I know what your'e going through. The pain, the constant thoughts of trying to find a solution is certainly most unbearable....I'm trying to understand how he LOVES ME, when he doesn't show me that he cares enough to do something about this......

I am one who does not want sex. I feel used when my hubby comes around for sex, and does not find time to talk to me otherwise. He comes home late and usually doesnt say anything other than 'I am hungry or watever'. I too keep myself busy with fussy kid or books or arranging things. I feel if you have nothing to talk about and do not even make an eye contact when you have talk something. What ever you talk is assigning some work or delegating some thing, love is nowhere in the picture, how come desire for sex springs up in the middle of the night.

I am going through the same thing and I have no idea what to do. We have talked about it and still nothing changes and we both have no idea on how to change it. I have only been married for 10 months now and I cant help but to think about how I will be stuck in a marriage with NO sex life. We didnt sleep together until a week before we got married. So I don't know if he has always had this low of a sex drive. But from the stories he's told me...he hasnt always been like this. And he doesn't know why. I have always been the one to start things with us. Its not all bad, he is a complete gentleman.. still opens my doors, buys me flowers, recognizes our anavercierys, kisses me, holds my hand, cuddles ect. But never innitiates sex. and never seems in the mood. <br />
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One thing he does do is watches ****. I hate that he can do that and get off but cant come to me. It only makes me feel worse about the situation because i know he doesnt have a physical problem or something else that would explain this. <br />
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when we were talking about it the other night i finnaly told him that maybe he should stop doing that and then he would want to be with me more physically. His response was that if he stopped then when we did have sex he would get off to fast and then go limp and it wouldnt be any good for me. <br />
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There is always some excuse. He tells me he is atracted to me and compliments me. But I have a hard time believing him because he never Shows me. :/ <br />
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We are both young and attractive and it shouldnt be like this especially so early in our marriage. I need advise please.

Just talked to my husband on the phone, he was trying to remedy the problem of last nights happenings where my pleasure wasn't even brooched and he fell asleep. <br />
<br />
He said that men don't like to have long drawn out conversations about stuff, there's a problem and a guy doesn't want to sit down for an hour to discuss all the feelings and how to make it better. So I asked him, "okay, so for a guy, if he pleasured a woman and she got off and then rolled over and fell asleep, what would a guy do?"...his answer, "fix it". I guess he means get himself off, which by the way I have been doing and for a woman that can only satiate a giant hole in a heart for so long. <br />
I'm so confused. I desire to sit down with my husband and explain to him my feelings and why I feel the way I do to get him to understand me, not as some Chinese word torture, but his reaction makes me feel like he just doesn't even care. He'd rather I just "fix it" with actions instead of approaching him and wanting to discuss stuff. He says it just doesn't sit well with him and he reacts bad to having a "talk" about stuff. HELLO???? How the HELL are two people supposed to grow together if they don't talk about stuff? I don't know if I can continue with this. I just don't know. I'm so angry and upset. Whatever.

My husband shared with me before we were married that he had particular fantasies that he enjoys. Kinky stuff. I was surprised, but loved him enough to join him in what turned him on. Unfortunately when I discussed with him what turned me on, romance, he told me that that is boring to him. This has been an issue since day one. I'm talking, we fought and I cried my heart and eyes out on our Honeymoon. For a long time I've been the type of girl who has put every guy i was with before myself. <br />
Just this past year, through counseling, I have learned that I am worth something. That I have a right to speak up and that I MATTER. This was huge for me to discover and embrace. HUGE. I use to be kind of horrified by my husbands fantasies and sexual preferences....but I learned to get into it with him and have fun with it too, and to my surprise his style turns me on too now as well :) The thing that gets old is the fact he won't stretch himself for me too, or learn what I like and try it out....fake it till you make it, you know? He actually called romance "boring" and said why sit around and kiss for an hour and touch each softly? Boring. And honestly, romance to me isn't always slow and drawn out. Throwing someone on to the kitchen counter and ravishing them is awesome too. Passion, even rough passion, in my eyes is romantic too. <br />
We haven't had sex in 5 months and this isn't the first time we've had this kind of dry spell...the other thing is usually I'll make him "happy" but he never seems concerned about returning the favor. He gets his cake then rolls over and falls asleep so I end up awake, turned on and angry. <br />
I've tried talking to him about all this multiple times and he gets mad at me for bringing it up. Well tell me, how the hell is a couple supposed to grow and communicate without actually communicating? I bring up the subject very gently, never with harsh words or blame, never angry or anything...I bring it up reluctantly and with love and he still gets angry. To him sex isn't all that important, he could just go without (which he's proven, I've gotten tired of ALWAYS initiating and we've gone months and he doesn't do anything to initiate.)<br />
What's up? I thought men were sex maniacs? I'm left feeling un-attractive, un-loved, un-wanted, not important, like a room mate not a wife.....<br />
I'm just tired. I feel like to him, I don't matter, my needs wants and desires don't matter. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about having an affair because I just want to be wanted for goodness sake! Don't get me wrong, I want to be with my husband and my husband only.....but what the heck am I to do? I never in my whole life thought marriage could be like this.....<br />
I'm miserable and wondering if divorce is the answer. I want to have kids soon (I'm 31) but HOW THE HECK IS THAT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN WITHOUT SEX????

I really feel for you young uns that find yourselves in this situation. What I've found is that it would be very rare for your situation to improve. Probably the only way for it to have a chance to improve would be for you to just leave him, go live somewhere else and see how he reacts. If he gets a big enough shock that his marriage depends on communicating with you and paying attention to your wants and desires then he might change. Or he might just say, "eh, whatever" and go find somone else. It would take a big shock for him to want to change. The alternative is for you to get used to no sex and no kids for the rest of your life. Good luck with this. . . . .

I feel just like anold27 except we are not married and it hasn't been 7 years. The sadness is that as a woman I like to be for sure that I'm desired by the man I love and to feel appreciated. Both these things I don't and even though he tells me he loves me, I Don't think he does. emptyheart perhaps you are right, he's just hanging on for the free ride. It's killing my self esteem constantly being rejected. I lay awake at night and sob because he's right next to me and yet so far away. I've asked him to leave but he has to figure out where to go since he can't support himself. Too many arguments and hateful things he's said to me..verbal abuse is sometimes more painful than physical. It's just hard since the change in him is nothing I've done and he can't afford therapy. I just think...how the hell did I get into this situation? Why didn't I see it coming or that he's an alcoholic? I do deserve better.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. About 5 months ago we stopped having sex. This is after we would have sex sometimes 5 times a day. I discovered he had been watching tranny **** on the internet and had been calling a tranny for late night chats he used to live with for a year (5 years ago). When I confronted him on this and we went to his brothers wedding, the sex stopped. I've begged for it, asked why and still nothing. Sexy lingerie or just walking around naked does nothing for him. The ******* off and **** watching hasn't stopped but he doesn't seem to want to satisfy me and is getting his needs met ******* off...sometimes right in front of me while we are in bed. I'm a hot chic and did **** in the past so it's not a matter of my appearance. He's put on weight and says it's just too much effort to have sex. To me it's an intimacy issue that is cutting us apart. We've gone to counseling but that hasn't helped at all. I pay for his living expenses and he doesn't help at all around the house. Just plays his guitar and gets drunk. He lately has been saying hurtful things to me and that he would prefer a fat chic that was less demanding and more compliant over me. I really don't see how this relationship is fixable. It's hard to break up and ask him to move out when I still love him....but I'm miserable and feel like crap and very very sad.

lolobebe...sounds like you are disconnected as a couple all together. I would ask your boyfriend if he is still interested in a relationship at all. It kind of sounds like the only reason he is still hanging around is the free ride you are giving him. You deserve better. You may not see that now, but sometimes you have to step back a see things for what they really are. Love is a two way street and not a matter of convenience.

Ever since i said I do to my husband things changed...the passion literally started deflating from our relationship -the long kisses became small pecks, the smalll pecks to the punctuations of greetings or days. This man use to just want to touch me for the sake of pleasing me and then the change happened so sudden. I was in shock, I didn't know what I did or what changed. He alwayys promised that we's grow together in all aspects of our marriage....we did except for intimacy.<br />
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Its seven years later and I've triied going back to work, losing weiight, going back to school, etc. For distraction and stimulation -I figure maybe we just both need something more to talk about. But not much has changed. Here I am at sometime past midnight, tending to an ache that will not go away. I know for a fact that my husband loves me...I wonder if he s still IN LOVE with me. And its so easy for him to say "I love u more now than I did before" when confronted. In fact ts easy for him to give various reasons like, he's tiired, or stressed, or busy -when the hell aren't we any of these things? So that's it then, I take a back seat when any slight discomfort arises? He's attributed his intmacy issues with his parents' relationship (some issues themselves) and he does sympathyze wiith me and he always says he'll try harder...yet here we are. I used to beat myself abut it, and think that maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore, etc. But I've taken care of myself through the years even after a couple of kids and it doesn't seem to matter. I miss our intimacy so much. <br />
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I've had the opportunity for an affair...I didn't take it. I miss sex but mostly I just miss it with my husband. I miss being the sparkle in his eye, or feeling like he was proud to be standing besiide me...now I'm lucky if he'll look at up at me from a videogame, or his phone or whatever. *sigh* <br />
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Here's to another long night...

@anold27...it's 4th of July weekend with 3 kids and other than local ball game and fireworks...that's it here. The nights are dreadful. I know part of it is my fault but I just can't seem to be bothered anymore. I guess I gave up a long time ago but the constant distractions are hard especially after a long day with kids during the week now in the summer. I'm exhausted...good luck to everyone.

Run to your nearest counselor if you value your marriage. You have to learn how to communicate again!

My husband gives the same reasons. He sleeps in the living room, stays on the computer, or works in the yard, or finds comfort in over eating. <br />
In the begining of our realationship he would kiss me. Now I get a little peck on the lips. After trying some of the things which may arouse him, with no response I find that I am just spinning my wheels.<br />
When I sit on the sofa with him to watch TV he always runs to the computer to research something or he is eating a large bowl of something.<br />
The most we have in common are our political conversations. Social behavior. I love my husband and<br />
I wish we could have a sexual relationship as well.<br />
<br />
Advice is something I need. Feeling empty and lost !

BEGGING HUSBAND DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM U NEED TO SATIFY YOUR DESIRES UNLESS OR UNTILL U DO THAT U WILL BE HAVING A BORE LIFE. ANY WOMAN NEEDING ADVISE AN CALL OR SMS ME 09899869783

Try this one out.....<br />
<br />
At 19 years old, for the sake of your new born son, you put your own wishes and desires aside and spent the majority of your adult life adhering to your responsibilities as a husband and father. The experiences and misadventures one would acquire over the course of your early 20's simply passed you by.<br />
<br />
That first marriage ends after 14 years......<br />
<br />
Married life hadn't been kind to me. So I had made some radical changes to myself. I lost 140 lbs. Started lifting weights. Wearing contacts. Dressing more fashionable. And became the man I had always wanted to be. Both on the inside and out.<br />
<br />
A few short months on the singles scene trying to make up for lost time you are introduced to a gorgeous, intelligent, fun loving, adventures, spontaneous, bad girl/rocker chic who enjoyed a life you only dreamed about. She introduces you to a world you had watched from a distance and lived vicariously through others around you. And despite her own sexually promiscuous party past (experiences strait out of Penthouse Forums) you still find her to be a walk on the wild side you always thought you had missed out on.<br />
<br />
You cultivate a friendship that transitions into something more. And SHE eventually asks YOU to marry HER (It should be duly noted that this women is a fiercely independent career women and card caring feminist. She has NEVER needed a man to support her at anytime in her life).<br />
<br />
You have fallen deeply for this women despite your radically different pasts. Soooo......<br />
<br />
Four months into this marriage EVERYTHING abruptly stops. EVERYTHING. The social functions. The sex. The fun loving approach to life. EVERYTHING. She even quits her career to stay home and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (and she had made MORE money than I ever could have possibly made in my chosen profession).<br />
<br />
I could go on and on. But yeah. It's been a real kick in the balls.

Please excuse my typos! I get a bit passionate sometimes...

Please excuse my typos! I get a bit passionate sometimes...

For all the men on here that are mentioning how their wived have rejected them in sex.... Please do not assume that all women or even most are like that. I know it's the stereotype that guys are into sex way more than women, but I just got off of several websites and messageboards that were full of women with this very same problem. Because I too am having this problem I can totally believe that most of these women really are and have been craving sex all the time. <br />
<br />
My husband and I were married 5 months ago. After marriage suddenly I'm the one who ALWAYS initiates. As months pass into our marriage EVERY SINGLE TIME I get pushed away. I SWEAR!!! Mostly I'm very forward, ************, reaching for him, kissing him, grabbing his butt, massaging him etc. Mostly he takes my hands and throws them off of him, or gaurds his goods while whining. I KIDD YOU NOT. I am not exaggerrating even a little bit. I haven't changed at all within 5 months and I must say I'm a girl who is considered attractive by most. I do admit that sometimes my hair is not on point or something like that because I'm transitioning, He prefers straight hair, and I can't have it straightened by heat or chemicals so often. I prefer more variety, including straight, so I decided to grow my natural hair. Way more fun!<br />
<br />
ANywhoo,,, I also admit that I come down hard on him often because I feel extremely confused and hurt to find out that he is an extreme narcissist to the 100th degree. It's not nice to get married to someone who is a pathalogical liar and has fooled you into marrying him by lying about who he is. And constantly lies even about simple things like what he ate for breakfast. <br />
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So this is an interesting situation here but just because I know about my own sex drive, I totally believe that most of these women who have time to seek and cry on these message boards are super serious about needing and wanting sex from their husbands. We NEED these appitites to be handle not denied. Nobody has time for that. Face it, many women have libidos maybe even bigger than most men. Don't deny or argue it, Take care of it DARNIT.<br />
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I'm sure we all prefer our own husbands but I'm just saying.......

Catseyes,<br />
To answer your questions, It has been a year since my husband found out about my affair. The past year has not been easy. I never wanted to leave my husband even though our sex life was non-existent. I chose a person that I was attracted to but not one that I felt was a risk for commitment. I had come to the decision that if I was going to stay married I would seek intimacy elsewhere. I never realized how hard it would be to constantly lie and cover my tracks. I never knew how much it would change me as a person. The plan seemed simple enough but didn't work for me. If I had chose someone I had been attracted to on a physical and emotional level, I could see how my marriage might have ended in divorce. Falling in love with someone else would have been the death of my marriage. Since the dreaded day my husband came out and asked me if I was having an affair we have been changing and redefining our relationship. He went to the doctor and started getting regular monthly shots of testosterone, therefore reviving his libido. We went to marriage counseling for about 8 months. We slowly reconnected as friends with no pressure for sex.(Which was not easy for him with his new found desires) Getting back to the intimacy was difficult, I will not lie. I was not attracted to him at all and did not pursue anything sexual. We eventually started to laugh again and smile at each other. A peck on the cheek led to a small kiss on the lips. Holding hands led to holding each other at night and falling asleep. The sex eventually happened and was disastrous at first. It had been so long. It was frustrating. But we kept in mind that maybe practice would make perfect. It is not perfect now but very close. We have become very passionate and even laugh at the not so perfect moments. It is achievable if you both want to try. If it does not work, at least you tried your best. I think we are very lucky.

You my not have the lover are you he's on the same boat. Maybe you should get your self a lover too.

Vstep, <br />
<br />
I am sure you meant well with your advice. I would say it is safe to assume that most if not all of the people who post their sad stories here have tried all of the above to no avail. <br />
<br />
Intimacy is central to living a fulfilling life; at least it is to the people here. The other things you mention in life are important, but will not make you sick to your heart if you don't have them.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, and I'm sure you didn't intend this, but your comment about "dragging her into sex for fun" is quite sexist on two levels. One, men should not approach sex with a woman with the intention of having to convince her against her will. Two, if a man does manage that, he can get off even if she doesn't want to. However -- and this is the important point -- if a woman tries to "drag" a man into sex who is not interested, nothing is going to happen! You can't get off with a man who isn't interested. If he's not turned on, nothing is going to happen. <br />
<br />
CE09

Emptyheart, <BR><BR>I read a few of your past posts and see there have been some developments. Can you share some more?<BR><BR>I have been in a sexless marriage for so many years. I relate to all the posts on here in some way. Finally, earlier this year, I connected with a man I was involved with 25 years ago and we have become lovers again. It's been a very healing and powerful relationship for me. I am no longer interested in sex with my husband and he hasn't tried (no surprise). When I think of all the times I begged and cried for intimacy with him, I am so ashamed of myself. My lover can't keep his hands off of me -- amazing! There is nothing wrong me with me after all!<BR><BR>Anyway, I am curious to know if your sex life has returned with your husband since you got past your affair.<BR><BR>I don't feel this would be possible for me, but perhaps you had similar feelings.<BR><BR>BTW, I don't apologize for having a relationship outside my marriage. I needed it, plain and simple.<BR><BR>CE09

Wieslaw, your ideas are meant well but not well received. You can't even begin to confuse the experience of sex with a connection to a spiritual life. For one thing a spiritual life can be cultural, part of a group, an individual, a family or a couple. What I say to those who suffer in a sexless marriage is that they should work to understand their partner's position. Is there some point in the timeline that caused change? What is it that has made sex uninteresting for your husband or wife. I believe that personal health can make a difference and that was a good point brought up earlier. However, I've often found that sex is about power and almost never about expressing feelings of love for at least one partner and possibly both. Consider what has been written here--only when emptyheart removed the power her husband had over her through an affair did he capitulate. Consider Sailonby's issues where his wife "gives" sex at a whim or withholds it. Those who seek power and control in the relationship usually obtain it through withholding sex. This is even true if the partner is no longer attractive. By the way, your partners are experiencing some kind of sexual release that makes them immune to you. You should seek to discover their secret-- and rather than confront them to put a stop to it-- ask to share it. You might be surprised how good things could be.

My two cents...<br />
<br />
The more we let ourselves overwhelmed by negative thoughts (especially those of feeling not having enough sex in life), the more we dig deeper into that abyss. For some of us sex may be so exciting that we want it everyday, but if you detach yourself from that feeling for a while, you will notice and appreciate the fact that sex may not be that big a hold for some. Our best bet would be that if we have a varied life, with other avenues of entertainment not necessarily not including your spouse, outdoor activities, doing things together, it may give an entirely new perspective to the relationship. Its all in the mind. Also a happy outlook, sprinkled with fun and humor can do wonders rather than trying to hit at the issue with feelings of hurt and unhappiness. You can simply get funny with her and drag her into sex all in the name of fun!!<br />
<br />
Desire for sex is very natural feeling, but all of us don't feel it to the same extent. I don't agree that it is a marital abuse if your spouse isn't as interested in sex as you are, so far as he/she empathizes with you.

My two cents...<br />
<br />
The more we let ourselves overwhelmed by negative thoughts (especially those of feeling not having enough sex in life), the more we dig deeper into that abyss. For some of us sex may be so exciting that we want it everyday, but if you detach yourself from that feeling for a while, you will notice and appreciate the fact that sex may not be that big a hold for some. Our best bet would be that if we have a varied life, with other avenues of entertainment not necessarily not including your spouse, outdoor activities, doing things together, it may give an entirely new perspective to the relationship. Its all in the mind. Also a happy outlook, sprinkled with fun and humor can do wonders rather than trying to hit at the issue with feelings of hurt and unhappiness. You can simply get funny with her and drag her into sex all in the name of fun!!<br />
<br />
Desire for sex is very natural feeling, but all of us don't feel it to the same extent. I don't agree that it is a marital abuse if your spouse isn't as interested in sex as you are, so far as he/she empathizes with you.

I have the same problem. <br />
Married 8 years. Husband does not want to have sex with me. I met a married man and started having an affair with him. I know that this is the WRONG thing to do - but he is fantastic. And I realize how much I miss a connection with the opposite sex with him. <br />
<br />
I have begged my husband also -- even though he never climaxes with me, etc. I just want to get anything back with him. <br />
<br />
I am too much of a wimp to leave him and I know that what I have with the married man is make believe (he will never leave his wife). But I honestly crave this person - not just for the sex (which is fantastic). But he is smart, funny, all those things.

What's sad is that all of us have suffered from the same symptoms, but the underlying causes are all different. Many of us are women living in sexless marriages and many of us are men living in sexless marriages and for most of us this is an unwanted outcome. After several years of hoping for change and communicating my needs and desires, I had to give up on my marriage. My husband would promise that he would help us fix our marriage, but in the end, he never even made a feeble attempt. In my situation, I'm still unsure of what his problem was. As soon as we married, he began rejecting me. At first I was the initiator and after a while, I lost the courage to keep trying. We did have sex here and there, but he lacked passion and I eventually lost interest. I'm guessing that he is a man of haunting secrets - not sure what, though. In the end, we all have our own threshold in terms of when "enough's enough." It's a painful journey and some people never give up and some do. I just didn't want to look back upon my life with deep regret...