So, For What Happens Later....

What I just posted relates to the early part of a marriage. But, things change over time too. The first four or five years of our marriage, we were having sex on average of about 4-10 times per month. Then my wife was diagnosed with social phobia and was given Zoloft. The medication was a miracle-worker (and still is) for the control of panic attacks, but it absolutely killed our sex life. The first symptom was that she was no longer able to reach ****** through intercourse, oral sex, or through ************. So we started using a vibrator - which worked very well and has since become a constant companion during our sex - she "gets" the first ****** from that, and then she's able to be orgasmic from intercourse, oral, or ************ afterward. But, for the next five years or so, the frequency of sex started diminishing to the point of being about once per month and then once every other month. She has only given me oral sex twice in our entire time together, and both were when we were dating. It got to the point where I started realizing that I was going to get a hand-job once a year, and that held true for several years. Then, about three years ago, we decided to start having children. Sex when you're trying for a kid is great, and horrifying at the same time because of the pressure (it took 4 months of trying to get pregnant the first time). Then sex stopped. The next time we had sex was 16 months later, and two nights in a row of unprotected sex resulted in a second pregnancy. Sex stopped again and hasn't resumed. in the past 3 years, my wife and I have had sex 6 times. She just isn't interested. She will occasionally use the vibrator to relax herself, but doesn't feel comfortable letting me be part of it anymore. I've tried doing more around the house to help her relax more, taking care of the kids from the moment I get home from work until their bedtime to give her time to herself, bought her sexy lingerie, tell her how much I love her and how attracted I am to her and how beautiful she is every chance I get, and still nothing. I know that women often do not want to have sex for a year or more after giving birth. I know that intellectually, but it's not easy to accept. I know that if I try to initiate sex, nothing will happen - she'll take the backrub or the bath, or whatever foreplay option(s) I try, but will not give any signal of interest in going further - leaving me intensely frustrated. Now, I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up. To make it worse, or better... I don't know. My wife now wants a third child - but she wants a guarantee of a daughter. Which means that we're going to use a clinical process that pretty much provides that guarantee - so the third child will be born without intercourse, without intimacy of any kind. She'll be conceived in a clinic out of a syringe. I'm heartbroken and have told my wife this, but she simply says that it's the only way to do this, so it's how we have to do it. I'm looking at another year of no sex, she's recently had to increase her dosage of Zoloft, which has made it even less likely to be part of our lives again, and I'm dying inside to have any real intimacy with my wife again. I miss her.
TheTreeIsMe TheTreeIsMe
36-40, M
26 Responses Feb 13, 2007

I'm sorry my friend. I can attest to the fact that children do put a damper on things. After I had my daughter, it was like nature took over. I was ALL about her. We have other issues in our marriage that make intimacy problematic, but I have always tried to meet his needs regardless of how I feel about his behavior. The end point being - a man who has regular sex is in a better mood. The intimacy issues are a long term problem and stem from his anger issues and his cheating in the past.However, moving along..... I know that even last summer my sex drive was down. I was diagnosed with thyroid issues. I work full time, and when I get home I do everything. He watches our daughter and doesn't work. So, there are other issues in our intimacy in that respect. First off - I commend you for helping out around the house. That is wonderful. My husband stays at home, and he needs to pick up the slack. He never helps with dinner, and he rarely eats dinner with us. Not cool. Second - you have been very patient and understanding, which is commendable, but there comes a time when you evaluate what you want and what you are going to do about it. I think we end up in these situations because we accept this behavior.Well - you do have options. You just have to communicate. You have to decide what you want, what is most important, and what you are willing to do about it.In the end, you may get more sex, but if she isn't IN to it... is that enough for you? You obviously love her and want to be with her. I understand that, and that is a beautiful thing. I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect that communication is the first step and maybe even therapy?

Another thing I wanted to mention - how I feel about myself has impacted my sex drive. I lost weight last summer, and I feel a lot better about myself. Sometimes the way a woman precieves her body is the key - that doesn't mean she is necessarily over weight and depressed. Even thin women have body issues, aging issues. I think we enter into a different phase, and that was what I told myself - I'm a mom. Sexy doesn't matter now nor does attracting anyone. Well, yes, but even though my husband loves me regardless, told me I was sexy, bought me lingerer, gave me back rubs, and did the little things to initiate - I didn't feel sexy.

I am a woman in a relationship like this and I'm so tired of having to beg to be touched and for him to kiss me once a month like my brothers would kiss me. We've been together for 16 years and have been sexless for 8. I love my family the way it is and even my grown kids would disown me if I left, so I stay. I'm not a model but I don't believe I require a paper bag to be seen with me. In all my life I've never had to beg for sex. Now I just feel used up and ugly and at 46 I must be a virgin again. My mom says when you make your bed you sleep in it happy or not. So I just keep doing everything for him like I was taught a wife should do and just want to sit and cry alone every chance I get. Which is often because he works 21 on and 7 off. No he doesn't have another life it's he's choice to not treat his ED.

I was in a sexless marriage for 15+ years. Your experience sounds so much like mine. No matter how hard I tried to make the moment "right, my lovely wife just wasn't into sex with me. There is no word to describe that type of frustration. The only way I coped was to convince myself that I was revolting to women; why else would my beautiful wife not want to touch me? Needless to say, dating after my marriage ended has been difficult as I feel unworthy of any love or companionship. As horribly difficult as a divorce may be, please separate from your wife now. Do not stay with her "for the kids' sake". The frustration from a long, sexless marriage can be too damaging. Your children deserve a to see a happy, well adjusted father.

This<br />
broke<br />
my<br />

That is a rough one. I wish you the best...

I miss my husband, too.

I've seen a few of these comments about medication and low libido and I agree. Specifically about Zoloft. I am struggling with a sexless marriage and I know that some of MY part was due to Zoloft. As soon as I eliminated it from my life (or, at one point, added a second med), I realized how dead my body felt. Honestly, I spent a great deal of time berating myself for losing interest and wanting to walk away. But I changed the med and I feel sexy and desirable. Nothing changed except the med. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, we have both contributed to the demise of our sex life in equal amounts. And now, we just don't know what to do with each other - or if we even want to. It's so difficult to open up and talk about it when we've been feeling rejection for so long. <br />
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You sound like you are putting in a bunch of effort, I'm impressed, but your partner is struggling with her own stuff. Lingerie might just be too much for her to handle right now. As a mother of two under 5, I immediately think she's got self-worth issues that she thinks can be fixed by having kids. I know it's not that simple, but between the meds and the exhaustion that goes with kids, she could benefit from a new doc who can look at the whole picture.

When I was 19 I had a boyfriend who got into cocaine. When I found him doing it at a party, I said "I'll do it to, unless you tell me not to.". He let me do it. I left for San Diego the next take a chance on something better, even though I knew only one person.If I'd stayed, I knew I'd be waiting around, hoping for him to grow back to the person he once was. I know now we don't grow backwards, but forwards...good or bad as it may be. So I spent a year in San Diego, and I was tired after it. Every night partying, smoking pot and meeting people who didn't want good for me. Then I moved to Colorado where I had a bed...I waitressed until I could afford my own crappy 1 bedroom was crappy, and it took three fumigator bombs to get rid of the roaches...but It was MINE! I walked around naked and danced whenever I wanted! Then I met my husband. He swept me off my feet...he was already practically a celebrity in the comedy was pretty cool for my 23 years of age. I am now 37, I have acheieved my own goals and I can support myself and my kids if I have too. Not<br />
in the way I'm used to, but I could. He has never told me I'm beautiful, or sexy. He doesn't even want me sexually. I have been told by more than a few men, better than him, that I am the whole package. I can't tell you how many weeks go by where I'm not touched. Unless I leave...then he goes full force to get me back. I'm only softened by the fact that there are children involved and I feel guilty. ...I learned to cook his favorite foods, I wear what he likes, I am even more adventurous in bed. I even tolerate all the women who text him and say that thay're SO excited to see him.......ok, maybe I do complain. He's never home, and when he is, he only has pics on facebook of him hugging other women. I never wanted to be that jealous *****. Tell me how to be the bigger person, the one with grace and class.

I, for one have never been married and I empathize with your situation and truly sorry for what you have to go through. You didn't describe if your wife always had this social disorder or did she develop it. If she always had it, how would you have married her? She would have to have been in a social situation of some sort in order to meet you. She has the cognizant capacity to want kids and if what I know about kids is true, they're social! You have to take them to school events, games, dances, PTA meetings and the like. I suggest that you get a second opinion and get her off that ZOLOFT!!!!!

I was on had the same effect on me but "appliances are fine" I did not, however lose labido, just reaction. Prozac actually made me feel like a cat in heat. I swear I could have been a prositute and gotten rich real fast I was insatiable! not a good thing! Paxil gave me the urge but absolutely no release. Zoloft is the best I can find so far. but then...I took myself off it and have no depression symptoms at the moment.

no no no adoption is not ever a solution if the marraige is not perfect or nearly so in the first place. believe me, I have five adopted kids and with each one the marraige got more and more estranged. I aquired kids as a subsitutue for what was not in the marriage. There is absolutly no guarentee that the adopted child will be who you want her to be ( my daughter had absolutly no interest in the girly things I wanted to share with her-dolls-sewing-crafts) neither having a baby nor adopting is ever a solution to a flawed marraige

I think that you have to explain to your wife how frustrated and angry you feel. My husband had lost interest in sex and I flat out told him I was considering having an affair. That got his attention. After that we figured out how to fix things together. If you want more details, just message me. I feel better talking in private. I do agree with the others about it being a mistake to have a 3rd child. Adding more children to a troubled marriage will not improve anything.

Redzcar,<br />
<br />
I believe from your very aggressive and abusive comments you are the one with who may feel like your masculinity is lacking. Why does it bother you that this member writes differently (well) or still feels compassion and love in his relationship? I think that you need to reevaluate your need to be abusive. It is fine to be critical and tough at times but you are in need of help that this site cannot provide.

well, I'm on the other end. I am the sexless, touchless wife. My husband omega dog that he is can not, or will not make an effort to excite me. I battle depression and I like your wife I'm guessing has had a pretty traumatic past. The stability of the relationship helps fix some things, but I chose my husband, and I love him but it's more intellectual now, he's my friend. that's the one thing that has kept me around. As for your wife tell her "no" no babies from bottles. It almost sounds like she wants you to stand up to her.. of course that could be transference. don't know. I personally am master of the house, ad hoc motivator and dealer of all manner of crap and when I get into bed, I want a man to read my cues and take charge, my safe word is pink but i never get a chance to use it.<br />
<br />
good luck

I have heard that Jasmine helps with sex drive...I plan on trying it...

I'm so sorry for all of you, because I know what it feels like to live in a sexless marriage, but mine is also sexless, worst loveless (16 yrs). I should have left a long time ago,especially after he decided to get an implant w/o asking my advice. I thought our sex-live was not too bad , not overly exciting but it was long as there was love (hugging, kissing,etc ) . This however, stopped once the the botched surgery was used to put a guilt trip on me........ I didn't leave,when I should have ,when counceling didn't work.... now it's too late. <br />
If you think you don't love your wifes or hsbds., anymore ( especially if they don't want to do their part and go to counceling with you ) don't stay, it's you who is missing out on a fulfilling life.....and everyone deserves a loving life/ relationship with all the benefits. As they say, this is not a stage rehearsal, this is one time trip make he best of it........because you will look back and have regrets.<br />
If you love your wife/ hsbd...the best thing is to get counceling and if necessary get medication or the medication changed or adjusted.

Your wife needs to change her medication. Loss of sex drive to the point of not having sex is a severe side effect, and should be considered severe. A severe side effect is when something is life threatening or seriously affects your life. This seriously affects your family and her realtionship with you. I, like another commenter, am on depression and anxiety medication and also a mood stabilizer, as I am bipolar. I had to change medications many times because of side effects, and now am on good medication that does not affect me in negative ways. I have a great sex drive, am mentally stable, and am in a very successful marraige. DO NOT believe that you have to give up a normal life to be emotionally and mentally stable. Medication is supposed to keep you stable so that you can live a normal life. That's the whole idea. So I truly urge you to talk to your wife and have both of you talk to her doctor. If her doctor realizes that it has affected you to the point where you're no longer sleeping together, he will fix it. I have a feeling that she has not mentioned this to her doctor, and that she may not even realize (since she herself does not feel sexual anymore) that there is even a real problem. It's easier to forget what you're missing if noone points out that something is wrong.

I could be your wife!! What I mean is that I can identify with her (anti depressants and no libido) and I HATE it. I am always asking medicos for an answer to no avail. I wonder how long my much loved husband will tolerate it.

Wow I live the same way and have never cheated. I just thought it was me and didn't want to mess up marrige or the kids. Then found she has been with next door guy for 10 years. No wonder she didn't want me. Had him all along and didn't want to cheat on him I guess. No wonder he never had a wife or girl friend. Man you feel really dumb and really hurt when you find out. I just wish I new what to do. The kids even know now. I am highly afraid to find someone else and be cheated on again.

Your wife is lucky to have you. I have been married 20 years and got sick, not invalid, just a bit slower than I used to be. We agreed when the kids grew up it would be our time, I had them young so was looking forward to it but now<br />
I am 39 and he prefers video games and chatting to me. Its gotten to the point where if I take issue with the 18 hour online sessions he gets violent. <br />
I never let myself go physically, made a effort to please him but I wish I had left years ago. Kids know when your unhappy.

Maybe my comment is a little tough but you may have an affair just for sexual purposes and at the same time love your wife. C'est la vie.

Your wife is self centered. It is totally unfair for her to deny this basic need. If marriage is a contract (which is how it is viewed legally) then the wife should have some duties as well.

i'm very sorry for you and your wife...just like my favorite song says.. "whose to say what it is will break you"...only you will know when you've had enough...

Once again i will start by apologizing for my truly frustrating opinions i am having while reading each and every story in this group AND my story was posted just earlier today. ALL i can say at this point, is i agree that a 3rd child would be a TERRIBLE mistake and the only other thing i will add which i think most ppl. do not want to hear so i apologize in advance. Do you really want your children to grow up and believe that a sexless marriage is the norm? Because, seriously that is what they are learning by example. My marriage ended, with great regret, but what truly made me feel in the end was that i did NOT want my boys that good friends co-parenting is a normal marriage, i want more for them. They learn the most through our actions and what we show them as parents is often what they learn to expect. I want my kids to have FULL marriages which means a healthy enjoyable sex life AND there are meds. out there that do NOT effect the libido, i'm on one of them. A good doctor will beable to find that for her oh and guess what BOTH my ex and myself grew up in homes that were sexless marriages,

have you discussed alternative medications with her and her doctor? maybe there is an alternative medication that would still help the panic/anxiety attacks without inhibiting her libido as well. other than that, all i can do is appologize to you for what you are going through.

Reading your story is about having a script of my marriage in front of me. Our sex life before kids were intense, pleasurable and consistent. Thirteen years and two kids later, our sex encounters are (if lucky) 6 times a year!. I think I have a library full of books about sexless marriage, counseling and I am in therapy myself to overcome the depression this situation is causing me. After many sessions with my therapist and introspection, these are my thoughts. It seems that your wife is using anti-depressants and this could be one cause of the low libido, although she seems eager to have sex when trying to conceive. In the other hand I will recommend you to not have the third baby. For you is a mere excuse to keep on trying your marriage and for your wife is another excuse to keep you "away" of her. Re-evaluate your relationship, seek counseling, share your feelings and if this not work, it will be time to either accept the fact that you will live in a sexless marriage or decide to move on. In my case I am working to accept the fact that I love my wife, I love my kids but I will have to learn to cope with a sexless marriage, since I have decided that a divorce will be the worst of the two evils.

well....its a good decision....but life is short .....i feel sorry for you.
its very old r u?.......dont u believe in falling in love again,i mean a second chance.......hehehe