So, For What Happens Later....
What I just posted relates to the early part of a marriage. But, things change over time too. The first four or five years of our marriage, we were having sex on average of about 4-10 times per month. Then my wife was diagnosed with social phobia and was given Zoloft. The medication was a miracle-worker (and still is) for the control of panic attacks, but it absolutely killed our sex life. The first symptom was that she was no longer able to reach ****** through intercourse, oral sex, or through ************. So we started using a vibrator - which worked very well and has since become a constant companion during our sex - she "gets" the first ****** from that, and then she's able to be orgasmic from intercourse, oral, or ************ afterward. But, for the next five years or so, the frequency of sex started diminishing to the point of being about once per month and then once every other month. She has only given me oral sex twice in our entire time together, and both were when we were dating. It got to the point where I started realizing that I was going to get a hand-job once a year, and that held true for several years. Then, about three years ago, we decided to start having children.
Sex when you're trying for a kid is great, and horrifying at the same time because of the pressure (it took 4 months of trying to get pregnant the first time). Then sex stopped. The next time we had sex was 16 months later, and two nights in a row of unprotected sex resulted in a second pregnancy. Sex stopped again and hasn't resumed. in the past 3 years, my wife and I have had sex 6 times.
She just isn't interested. She will occasionally use the vibrator to relax herself, but doesn't feel comfortable letting me be part of it anymore. I've tried doing more around the house to help her relax more, taking care of the kids from the moment I get home from work until their bedtime to give her time to herself, bought her sexy lingerie, tell her how much I love her and how attracted I am to her and how beautiful she is every chance I get, and still nothing.
I know that women often do not want to have sex for a year or more after giving birth. I know that intellectually, but it's not easy to accept.
I know that if I try to initiate sex, nothing will happen - she'll take the backrub or the bath, or whatever foreplay option(s) I try, but will not give any signal of interest in going further - leaving me intensely frustrated. Now, I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up. To make it worse, or better... I don't know. My wife now wants a third child - but she wants a guarantee of a daughter. Which means that we're going to use a clinical process that pretty much provides that guarantee - so the third child will be born without intercourse, without intimacy of any kind. She'll be conceived in a clinic out of a syringe. I'm heartbroken and have told my wife this, but she simply says that it's the only way to do this, so it's how we have to do it.
I'm looking at another year of no sex, she's recently had to increase her dosage of Zoloft, which has made it even less likely to be part of our lives again, and I'm dying inside to have any real intimacy with my wife again. I miss her.