A dear dear friend of mine is going through the process of ending his sexless marriage and I have been reflecting on how many men become painted with the same brush of being selfish evil men. Particularly sad and uncalled for is when the children are drawn into this battle when one spouse demands that they take sides. No decent loving mother would ever do this to her children. Ending a marriage is an adult issue between the partners.
When a man has worked hard for many years to provide all of the comforts of life to his family and could take pride in this, his efforts become meaningless in his wifes eyes and all she thinks about is herself. How she can wound him and turn others against him. Then he realizes the painful truth that he has been a cash cow for a long time. A means to an end at the sacrifice of his happiness.
The realization that he has shared his life with a stranger in many ways is also a painful truth. That the woman he married is not who he thought she was. That the manipulation and control was subtle but always there. Sex was for procreation and a reward. Not giving and loving and sharing but a tool.
I can recall at least four incidents where men have been emotionally set up to react with anger and frustration thus giving the spouse ammunition to use against them. Emotional buttons are pushed in cunning ways and then the perpetrator of the setup can tell others how evil and hateful their husbands are to them. I have witnessed women in action doing just this thing and I have been appalled at their self serving manipulations. A painful truth is that some women are deliberate in their intent to defame the father of their children. Knowingly try to shatter so many lives to justify their hate and rage.
Just as a successful marriage takes the efforts of two people, the ending of a disfunctional marriage takes the joint efforts of both spouses to do this with the least harm to all involved. When a wife refuses to take any of the blame for this ending, she is in denial. There will be platitudes and words of trying to make things better but they are hollow and without merit. Another setup where the husband is doomed to fail thus more justification that he is evil and to be dispised. So another painful truth is realized.
Now I want to write about the positive facts that come to light when a marriage like this ends. What my dear friend has told me today. Men do have a support system in family members and friends and he is finding a lot of support and understanding now and I am grateful for this. Removing himself to an environment where he will be able to rest peacefully and not deal with the anger and fighting. Start to heal and regroup in a stable and safe place.
Men regain their self respect and balance in their lives. There comes a sense of freedom to make choices for themselves. For the first time in years, they look towards their own happiness and are in control of their destinies. There will still be ups and downs emotionally but the positives will outweigh the negatives and, as time goes on, the new paths that they are on will continue to be filled with so many good feelings.
My story applies to women as well that choose to end a bad marriage. Many of us also face the same problems and painful truths in our own lives and I recognize this. We are all people regardless of our sex. Pain and disappointments are familiar to us, both men and women. Happiness and loving and being loved is what all of us want and need to feel fully alive. Self respect and self love are necessary to live full lives and when we start on this journey of renewal, we regain our self worth and who we truly are as human beings.
To all of us going down this road towards realization, I wish for us understanding and compassion. It is the most difficult walk in life some of us will ever take. No matter what stage of the journey we might be on, having a support system is a must. We will discover our own painful truths and having friends to hold our hands through this time will make the transitions easier and healthier for all concerned. Hugs and blessings to us all.