THings have been terrible for 15 years, minimum. THe last time we had sex was aout 8 years ago, and that ws a major event, so it really ended for me by 40.The problem is my husband insisits that We will"renew our passion" and he loves me, desires me, etc.,etc. Its actually like he beleives it and I do him a kindness bc/c I do love him, he's an exceptionally bright and kind person, I have 3 grown children that are wtill single and around, and of course I have no idea at all what I would do at 55 on my own. I was the child rearer, housekeeper,etc. We have a "good" life. I adore my kids. I realized about 17 yrs ago that we didn't flirt, have intimate conversations, none of that. He would respond by pretending to be affectionate which to be honest was so yucky that I stopped bringing it up. It was like a 13 yr old gently kissing me with NO lust, no interest in any nether parts of my dody, NO heat,just yucky. SO then I wondered if he was a repressed homosexual. But then I thought even then, he'd want sex once a year. Then I thought he was asexual, which could be true. Heres the panic and my question. The other day when he was up at 5:30 (not unusual--we go to bed and wake up seperately--avoides intimacy), I checked his internet history. Well, he's into weird women beating men up--overdevloped muscular women, and there's not even sex, just punching, Numerous sites, visited numerous times. COnfronted nothing, no surprise."It will never happen again,I want to have sex with you more than anything in the world, I'm so ashamed, etc.,etc. In other words, I should feel sorry for him. LEt me say he's snoring and I'm my only partner in bed. WHat the H does this weird preoccupation mean? I'm grossed out, and also afraid he's losing it, which I don't want my kids to have to witness.Help.

hesclosed hesclosed
6 Responses Jul 6, 2009

As I have gotten older I am still amazed at how many adults have picked up numerous hangups concerning sex. Some don't do sex, but apparently are into ****. Say what? Weird!!!! Others, like my wife, seem to have gotten all the sex they every wanted out of their system by the age of..............fill in the blank, it varies. In my wife's case she lost her sex drive less than half a year into our marriage, 3 and a half years ago. So, my only marriage, my wife's second, and it looks like all but half a year of it are gonna be sexless. Like they say, if I didn't have bad luck........................

Wow! Well I also went through all the guessing...I figured he must be homosexual and just repressing it ..but he says absolutely not. A couple of months ago I broke into his facebook profile and found that he was in contact with his ex girlfriend. He stated to her that he loved her very much and wished they had never broken up. I confronted him and he admitted that he had dinner with her on a business trip. He said nothing happened then he told me that she is actually very homely and he isn't attracted to her. I don't know..all I know is that he is obsessive compulsive and has absolutely no need for human touch..period. It gets his thrills from creating endless to do lists and then doing them all..and then noting what I haven't done or thought of doing...or what I haven't done right. I think I'm crazy for still being here. What is wrong with me? Why don't I just leave? Why don't you just leave?

I tried posting a reply before, not sure it went thru..<br />
anyways,...<br />
I think now that his wierd likes have come to light u can use that as a tool to find out whats going on with him. Ask him what it is he likes about big women who abuse, try not to judge or make fun of him.. this could be a starting point to help ur marriage!?<br />
I am so sorry ur so lonely and hurt in ur marriage, i am too. I also understand being the stay at home mom and finding u have no way to support urself if u leave. Whati am working on is trying to make new friends and hobbies.. i ca NO LONGER make him the cenetr of my life its too painful and a lost cause at this point. I wish u luck and happiness!!!!! :)

Mrcuriousity said it all, I think. A preference for **** over real sexual congress is one thing an occasional viewing is another. His interest in the bizarre doesn't necessarily mean that he has a predilection for this but maybe just a prurient interest. <br />
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While at 55 years old your life is not over you have accepted accommodation as a way of existence. Although this is is laudatory I now sense a growing regret for not having taken concrete action years ago to correct this.Apparently this was necessary to keep the family of growing sons intact.<br />
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You know, there are only few positive actions one can take in situations like your or ours for that matter. One is a divorce. A big costly, messy problem. Two, an affair, risky but rewarding and three, counseling , which I frankly believe is a waste of time and money, especially if one of the parties feigns interest. <br />
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With your three sons now full grown, my suggestion would be to start moving into activities outside your home that would place you into a position to find others in similar situations to connect with . There are many to be sure.<br />
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In the interim, welcome the forum. To this growing army of the disillusioned where we hope you find at least some consolation if not good advice.

Oh boy - I think you may have found the answer to some of your questions.<br />
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I know it won't help you but for me, at least I'd know the reason (hell, I'd help out with a couple of punches - might help with my frustration of being stuck with a product that was not as advertised).<br />
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I can understand your panic but don't you think that at the very least you have a starting point?

Counseling, counseling, counseling is all I can say.