One More Person Baring Her Soul to Strangers :)

I've been married 13 years (yeah. good number)  Like all long relationships, it's so complicated... We kind of started off on the wrong foot-young and didn't know each other very well.  We were both from a strict religious background where getting married young was the thing to do.  Soon after we married, my  husband started seeing the foolishness is our almost cult-like upbringing and started moving away from it.  I, being still a little brain-washed, really resisted. This caused a ton of conflict.  Just as we were in the thick of all this, I had a close family member die.  The combination of these factors threw me into a depression.  I really took it out on my husband.  I nagged and was on his case pretty much constantly and he began his slow withdrawal from me.  He was going out all the time and basically escaped me and my private hell.  He did try some, but I really don't think he knew what to do with me or how to handle my crazy emotions. This finally reached a climax and we almost separated.  I convinced him to stay.  I thought we had really turned a corner and were stronger for it.  Our conflict was much less and I turned a corner emotionally too.

Fast forward a year...I found myself in a strong, romanticish friendship with a guy.  It was never really physical (although there was certainly an attraction).  Because of my strong moral upbringing, I felt soooo guilty the whole time and was able eventually to get my mind away from him.  I don't even know why I did it...I think I was feeling anger and so abandoned by my husband.  I kinda wanted him to find out, be jealous, ANYTHING.

A little while later I found myself pregnant.  I know we both feel like we  recommitted to our marriage at that time.  My child was born, we bought a bigger house,  I thought things were pretty good.  (although the sex was infrequent) I just accepted the fact my husband was a little emotionally distant and was OK with it.  The last couple of years we seemed to drift even further apart.  I kept trying to re-connect with no success.

My husband went on a week long business trip and I went half way to pick him up at a friends house (we were going to hang out with them for the weekend.) I went to bed there and he came later and initiated our last time.  I thought he missed had been a while.  Well, I ended up pregnant.  When I told him, I could tell he was so not happy about it.  During my pregnancy he finally decided to tell me he was very unhappy in our marriage and he was considering leaving.  We decided not to discuss or make any big moves until after I had the baby.  I had my baby. About a month later I approached him about the issue He said he planned on staying,  but there was no chance of anything romantic between us ever again.  He did not love me anymore.  If I could accept the fact we could only be friends and live in a peaceful home with him, we should stay together for the kids.  PS way back when, he had caught wind of my thing and thought I had cheated on him.  But he never even questioned me about it or brought it up until recently.  I think he held a lot inside that I didn't know about.

About 2 months ago...surprise surprise.  I came upon the knowledge that he is emotionally involved with someone else and has been for a couple of years.  She lives a long plane ride away and he say they've never met and don't plan to.  I think he'd tell me the truth, because he's certainly not trying to spare my feelings!!  He does not seem willing to end this emotional affair..And it's my choice stay and deal or leave.

Of course, no self-respecting woman is going to stay.  But I don't want to leave too soon.  We are both totally committed to our kids and live in a pretty much a conflict free home.  It seems bizarre for me to leave over some girl he's never met, and he doesn't want to break up our family either.   On the other hand, the way things are now are not acceptable!!  He says  there is "no chance" for a romantic flame to start up again between us and there is no use trying.  But there is something in me that says I shouldn't leave yet.  ...maybe I'm just in denial...I don't know.

I am not scared to be alone.  I think I would rather enjoy it.  It's gotta be better than this constant ultimate rejection from someone whom I pick up his dirty underwear and cook dinners for. (bad grammer...I know :)  But, if I could get him to come back to me I would.  I do love him, and my kids.


k145712 k145712
36-40, F
11 Responses Jul 19, 2009

You're totally right. He has abandoned his faith and that has been the demise of our marriage. I try not to dwell on it. It's not changing anything.

It sounds like your husband has been unfaithful to God, who commanded him to love his wife. :/ You said he was the first to discover his "brainwashing". Well, to me, that sounds like he gave up faith. Did he ever really CHOOSE faith? Without faith, nothing is going to work. He is REQUIRED to love you. What he said about not being willing to be romantic with you again is wrong :(<br />
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Best of luck

It look like your both on different paths on your journey. You both have taken an affair path which each of you know about. I hope it can work out for you for whatever you decide in life.

Thanks for all your comments...I'll post an update!

Yes, you are in denial. Your husband is having an affair. Emotional or physical doesn't really matter. He has told you there is no chance of any romance between you. Why would you not believe him? Why would you settle for that? You don't say whether you have boys or girls but boys will learn to be non-affectionate when they see daddy never touches mommy, and girls will learn that mommy cooks and cleans for daddy but isn't appreciated by him. These are the lessons children in sexless marriages learn.<br />
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I could be the woman your husband loves (not literally). My lover was in a 40 year sexless marriage. He fell in love with me last year and after several months realized he had to leave to be with me. He thought his wife would kick him out when she learned he was in love with another woman, but surprise! she begged him to stay. Over the next 2 months there were lots of discussions, fights, crying sessions, and talk of getting individual counselors, going for couples therapy. None of it happened. Because as I kept pointing out to my man, "if you're going to try to heal your marriage, to try to fall in love with her again, then we have to say good bye. You can't have a marriage between 3 people."<br />
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Your husband has told you he's not giving this woman up. My lover couldn't/wouldn't give me up. His wife thought because she said "End it!" that he could turn off his feelings for me. Not possible. When HE realized that he was no longer interested in fixing the marriage, counseling seemed pointless to him. 9 1/2 weeks after breaking the news to her he moved into the apartment we now share.<br />
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It doesn't matter who did what first in your marriage, your emo affair or his (which I'm certain was physical and I bet if you contact the hotel he was in they'll tell you his "wife" stayed with him. Been there done that.) The point is he's moved on, and you have to also.<br />
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It's far more important for your childrens' sake that they are raised by parents who love each other fully, not platonically or they'll learn to think that's "normal". But if their parents decide that the well being of the kids is paramount, then they amicable divorce and the kids learn that mommy and daddy love them to bits, but can't live together.<br />
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Good luck!

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. You have a tough decision to make about staying or going. Just remember it is your decision. All though you may think it is better for your children to stay, trust me they know things are not right. Children have this gift of knowing what we don't tell them or want them to know. I have walked in your is not easy but can be done.

and why does story sound sooooooo familiar? been there, still there, wondering what to do, I'll share my story but know that you are among many, NOt that it helps huh?

I've also been paying for a "non-affair"; more in my stories.<br />
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The really, really hard part here is that he is unwilling to make an effort to repair your marriage. He's already written it off, and you cannot control him or his feelings. No matter how badly you want it, if he's unwilling to try there is nothing more for you here. You are wise to consider getting out, rather than staying in a loveless arrangement.

Hmmm.. looks like you have yourself in a pickle here... first you had an emotional affair... and you thought he didn"t know.... Then you find out... hes been having one for years... maybe from the time he found out about yours.... Or about the time... you pushed him away... over the religious differences. <br />
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If you cannot reslove your differences with councelling... my recomendation is... split... and let the courts decide... custody arrangements<br />
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Oh... and by theway... many men have a concience... and need a connection with a woman ... before we sleep with them... I find it insulting the way you made reference to it

He may have been with her. I know that. I often wonder if he was in that business trip right before I became pregnant. In my mind he's cheated on me in either case. As to the years before that...who knows. I do know that he needs to feel emotionally connected before he sleeps with someone. He's always been that way (more like a girl.)<br />
I will not stay if he stays in a relationship with another woman. I really feel like our love could come back -if he were open to it. But he's not -not right now at least. We are going to see a therapist in the next week or so...if I don't see some improvement in the next few months I will go. I just want to go having the conviction that I did everything I could.

You are in a really though situation. I had an x who decided that after having twins she need to find herself. Which meant she was cheating and I had the kids. I gave her everything accept the kids I got the kids which was unheard of. I raised them and now they are gone I got into a second marriage and it has no passion. <br />
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Now with you. First tell him to wash his own stuff you are his wife not a maid he wants dinner make it himself. Second, unfortunately he has seen this woman he wont' tell you this. He thinks your stupid and based on the paragraphs you put together you aren't Also, you need to stop your relationship with the second person you can lie to yourself all you want but when your husband leaves you go get him. Nope doesn't work that way. So finally God loves you and you have to love yourself. If you feel that it is time to go then it probably has been time to go for along time. God does not want you to be unhappy afterall he or she gave us children so he or she has to have a sense of humor. Love