One More Person Baring Her Soul to Strangers :)
I've been married 13 years (yeah. good number) Like all long relationships, it's so complicated... We kind of started off on the wrong foot-young and didn't know each other very well. We were both from a strict religious background where getting married young was the thing to do. Soon after we married, my husband started seeing the foolishness is our almost cult-like upbringing and started moving away from it. I, being still a little brain-washed, really resisted. This caused a ton of conflict. Just as we were in the thick of all this, I had a close family member die. The combination of these factors threw me into a depression. I really took it out on my husband. I nagged and was on his case pretty much constantly and he began his slow withdrawal from me. He was going out all the time and basically escaped me and my private hell. He did try some, but I really don't think he knew what to do with me or how to handle my crazy emotions. This finally reached a climax and we almost separated. I convinced him to stay. I thought we had really turned a corner and were stronger for it. Our conflict was much less and I turned a corner emotionally too.
Fast forward a year...I found myself in a strong, romanticish friendship with a guy. It was never really physical (although there was certainly an attraction). Because of my strong moral upbringing, I felt soooo guilty the whole time and was able eventually to get my mind away from him. I don't even know why I did it...I think I was feeling anger and so abandoned by my husband. I kinda wanted him to find out, be jealous, ANYTHING.
A little while later I found myself pregnant. I know we both feel like we recommitted to our marriage at that time. My child was born, we bought a bigger house, I thought things were pretty good. (although the sex was infrequent) I just accepted the fact my husband was a little emotionally distant and was OK with it. The last couple of years we seemed to drift even further apart. I kept trying to re-connect with no success.
My husband went on a week long business trip and I went half way to pick him up at a friends house (we were going to hang out with them for the weekend.) I went to bed there and he came later and initiated our last time. I thought he missed me...it had been a while. Well, I ended up pregnant. When I told him, I could tell he was so not happy about it. During my pregnancy he finally decided to tell me he was very unhappy in our marriage and he was considering leaving. We decided not to discuss or make any big moves until after I had the baby. I had my baby. About a month later I approached him about the issue He said he planned on staying, but there was no chance of anything romantic between us ever again. He did not love me anymore. If I could accept the fact we could only be friends and live in a peaceful home with him, we should stay together for the kids. PS way back when, he had caught wind of my thing and thought I had cheated on him. But he never even questioned me about it or brought it up until recently. I think he held a lot inside that I didn't know about.
About 2 months ago...surprise surprise. I came upon the knowledge that he is emotionally involved with someone else and has been for a couple of years. She lives a long plane ride away and he say they've never met and don't plan to. I think he'd tell me the truth, because he's certainly not trying to spare my feelings!! He does not seem willing to end this emotional affair..And it's my choice stay and deal or leave.
Of course, no self-respecting woman is going to stay. But I don't want to leave too soon. We are both totally committed to our kids and live in a pretty much a conflict free home. It seems bizarre for me to leave over some girl he's never met, and he doesn't want to break up our family either. On the other hand, the way things are now are not acceptable!! He says there is "no chance" for a romantic flame to start up again between us and there is no use trying. But there is something in me that says I shouldn't leave yet. ...maybe I'm just in denial...I don't know.
I am not scared to be alone. I think I would rather enjoy it. It's gotta be better than this constant ultimate rejection from someone whom I pick up his dirty underwear and cook dinners for. (bad grammer...I know :) But, if I could get him to come back to me I would. I do love him, and my kids.