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Feeling Unwanted

 

My story. We have been together for 9 yrs, pretty peaceful, and in the beginning we had a beautiful relationship.. Nowadays I feel empty, lonley, confused and frustrated.

He hasnt had any desire. to me, anyway in years. He has a sexdrive, a lusting issue, and pleases himself, if ya know what I mean, but not toward me.

Ive tried talking till I blue, till I cry, but nothing ever happens from it. I suggested counseling, but honestly It's money we don't have right now.

Ive tried losing a lot of weight, lost the weight, but it didnt entice him at all. Ive asked him if its the way I dress, nope, not it either.

He will kiss and cuddle, but honestly Im overly bored.

Im tired of feeling lost, confused, neglected and resentful, Its zapping my mood and my self esteem.

but admist all this, for some reason I still love him, but don't know why

MartyMcP MartyMcP 31-35, F 6 Responses Sep 8, 2009

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From what you say, he may have gay feelings and trying to deny it to himself. That's something he's going to have to figure out. He may put you down out of his own securites that really have nothing to do with you. -- Then again, maybe it's neither; you may never know what's really going on with him. Don't let it become your obsession, it's not within your control. And don't make these accusations, it will push him further away.

If he's willing to sit down to talk, don't say anything accusatory or that can be misconstrued as he will likely be defensive. Maybe try telling how you feel and asking a FEW questions like: "I don't feel we are getting along like we used to. Do you have any suggestions on what we can do to make things better?" But don't stretch it out for hours--men hate that, you could take things in stages. Or another suggestion, something I've heard of recently: both of you sit down, each with a piece of paper and write down the top 6 things that you feel are a MUST HAVE in a relationship with someone else, and then compare your lists and you have a basis for discussion on where you each stand with what the other wants in a relationship--and what's important to the other.



Also, try putting your focus more on yourself and what you want. If he's pleasing himself, you have the right to do the same. Don't even bother him with it, just do it. If he happens to come in, it may fascinate him. If he wants to join in, tell him 'maybe next time.' Don't play games with him, just geuinely enjoy yourself for a change.



Unfortunately some men like the chase and like a challenge. Don't do things for that purpose, to get him to notice you, then you'll get caught up playing games and that's no good for either of you. But get involved in things you like...there's a whole world out there, outside of his attention. Follow your interests and it will make you more interesting. If he choses to turn around and see you, still don't make your life all about him. You both have to decide if you want each other...you have a say in it also, it's not just what he wants! Get excited about yourself. You deserve it!

I know this feeling all too well. I am not overweight and I feel I am still somewhat attractive at least to other men. They still notice and comment but my boyfriend of 2 years never touches me intimately at all he only touches himself. He asks for only anal sex and could care less if i had all my clothes on except for that one part and a bag over my head. He never kisses me or holds me he has not touched my sexual parts in months and only did it last time because I accused him of being gay. I t makes me feel so sad and alone and like there is something wrong with me. I love him and miss how he use to carress me and make me feel sexy and wanted now nothing and we only talk about him and his day never about me or my feelings. If I try he belittles me and tells me I am stupid or an idiot and he has to have exact points I can not tell him its just how I feel because he says that I am a liar. I am not. Please what do I do. Ican not really even put into words how bad it makes me feel. Am I crazy and being stupid?

I know this feeling all too well. I am not overweight and I feel I am still somewhat attractive at least to other men. They still notice and comment but my boyfriend of 2 years never touches me intimately at all he only touches himself. He asks for only anal sex and could care less if i had all my clothes on except for that one part and a bag over my head. He never kisses me or holds me he has not touched my sexual parts in months and only did it last time because I accused him of being gay. I t makes me feel so sad and alone and like there is something wrong with me. I love him and miss how he use to carress me and make me feel sexy and wanted now nothing and we only talk about him and his day never about me or my feelings. If I try he belittles me and tells me I am stupid or an idiot and he has to have exact points I can not tell him its just how I feel because he says that I am a liar. I am not. Please what do I do. Ican not really even put into words how bad it makes me feel. Am I crazy and being stupid?

Ive tried getting involved when he is pleasing himself, but that is where it begins and ends. himself. it doesn't entice him at all to do anything past him pleasing himself, and I ended up feeling confused and shafted, while he gets all the glory.



Ive tried talking to him to no avail, even in tears the last time. I try not to be accustory, but I dont really have a clue how to depersonalize this.

You're in the right place here.



Is your husband willing to talk about the lack of sex? Is very difficult to do, but when talking to him you have to be very calm, de-personalize everything, and try to problem solve instead of accuse. This can be near impossible to do when we've been hurt so many times, but doing so will get more out of your discussions.



I've been through changing myself every way possible-- it doesn't work. If you change anything about yourself, do it for you.



Are there ways you could get involved when he's pleasing himself? Or would he reject those attempts as well?



Best of luck,

Yuru

vegas



I would stop dieting, but I was signifigantly overweight, which I thought mightve been the problem. I still have some more weight I want to lose, even though It hasnt changed anything in the bedroom. I don't want to be that big again