Not Even Married Yet...

So my fiance and I have been together for 3 years,.....and basically our sexless relationship is my fault. I am a 26 year young woman, no children, have a great life, very attracted to my fiance, however I just can seem to WANT to have sex. I dont kno whats wrong with me. In previous relationships, sex was the main component in it. He doesnt complain, we dont argue about it, nothing. So its not like Im stressin out about. It seems in the last 2 years we have been together, when the lights go out and hes all up on me, I just want to turn over and go to sleep. I tried to talk to my mom about it, she says all women go through it, but I feel like theres something wrong. Im ready to see a doctor, but scared of what to say. "hey doc, um I just dont get horny whats up?" LOL...yeah that sounded pretty stupid can you imagin....Sooner or later Im gonna have to do something about this....especially since we want children one day....SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

byhisideipromise byhisideipromise 22-25 6 Responses Sep 15, 2009

Your Response


Agree about getting checked for the hormone inbalance and putting the marriage on hold for a while.

First-- listen to Enna.

Maybe there is a hormone imbalance and you should see a doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor will rule that out is what I would predict.

What I am afraid is really going on is a lack of real attraction and passion between you and your fiance. I am afraid many have this issue including myself. I am afraid that in my relationship, what really happened is we really liked each other as friends. We got along great, and in each other we saw safety, security and basically a good and almost perfect life. Kids, birthdays, a home, cars, vacations and even the furniture - you name it, we were actually in perfect agreement. We "settled" for that security. And our friends and family kept reinforcing how great we were together. And as "best buddies," they were absolutely right. What they didn't see was that behind closed doors, it looked like a G-rated movie there too. No one would have been embarrassed should they have seen behind those closed doors.

What neither my wife or I understood was that when it came to passion, excitement, love, attraction - these were really not there. And what we are coming to understand is that passion, etc. is what is required for a deep love in marriage. While friends can make a life together, that life will wear on them when the passion is not there. And when the desire for passion begins to come to light, many problems will arise.

So the short story is that the lack of passion and desire is a HUGE WARNING to you. If its not there now, it certainly won't be there later. And no matter what you do or he does, it just won't be there. The chemistry for that type of passion, etc. is wrong.

I'll take a chance and guess that you are scared and feel incredibly quilty. The ramifications of "dumping" this relationship probably seem enormous. Well, if you go thru with the marriage and then you bring children into it - the ramifications get alot worse.

So my recommendation would be at least put a hold on any marriage and go talk to a real counselor. Describe how you would feel if you were passionately attracted to someone. Put down in writing what that passionate and crazy love would look like. Once you can do that, you can figure out if you and your current fiance can ever reach that type of relationship.

Good luck and I understand that it may be difficult now. Take this as a warning that it will be much more difficult later.

What new stress is in your life?

You call him your fiance, when is the wedding date?

Perhaps, has one of you pressured the other over something? like a specific wedding date? or the desire to have kids?

I am asking these questions because it all might be simple: Maybe you two are not on the same page for timing all of these next steps. For instance, maybe you want kids sooner than he wants kids or vice versa.

You are in a friendship, not a loving relationship. Sorry to be harsh. He is a nice guy, has a job, is normal, good to you but there is no spark. I am sure you say he is your best friend. Sex is a real part of an true relationship, I am thinking you just are not that in to him.

Please do NOT get married to this man. For whatever reason, you are not interested in having sex. If you marry him you will be condemning him to a life of sexlessness and that is not fair to him.

He may not appear to mind now, but as time goes on it will become a big issue between you unless he is exactly like you and does not want sex either . . .

You are wise to understand that there may well be something not right about your reactions. I do advise you seeing a doctor and having hormone tests if appropriate.

Your mother is partially right - many women go through periods of being less interested in sex, but usually when they have small children taking all their time and energy.

You are not yet married. I'm assuming you are not yet a mother as you mention no children. For a young engaged childless woman to be completely disinterested in sex suggests to me that you may have a health issue that needs to be explored and treated.

I applaud you for seeking to change your situation and I encourage you to seek medical advice as a first step. You may also like to look into personal counselling to see if you have any emotional issues that may be affecting your sex drive.

Every best wishg for a happy outcome.

Doctors have heard it all, so don't be afraid of sounding stupid.

All the best!