[REVISED:] My Midlife Crisis: Day 7 [now 14]

Technically sexless 6 years, actually without sex 7 months [until last week]. Time to do something about it.  

How old do you have to be before you are allowed to have a mid life crisis? I guess some things push you harder than others. For me I’ve just been so unfulfilled for so long and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s making me crazy.   

This is the chapter of my life where I regain control. I’m not going to be a victim any longer. Some of you may have seen some of my comments referring to a “master plan” or something equally lame. Here it is.  

Day 1 [14 days ago] Self Improvement

Started a weight loss program, renewed my gym membership, quit coffee, booze, cigars, artificial sweeteners [excess sodium] and fast food. I already worked out and I’m not disgusting fat but I could use some re-shaping and I would like to look and feel healthier. I already feel better and I have dropped a bit of weight (not enough to get excited about yet). Obviously it would be great if I could suddenly look sexy enough that my wife would want me again but we all know it’s not that simple. This is for ME. No sense letting someone else’s issues ruin this for me. That said, I want to maximize my sex appeal to women, my wife included. (also want to be physically up to the task if an opportunity should arise).  I plan to buy some new clothes to help with the image thing but I want give the diet a chance to work first.  [so far so good]

Resumed penis enlargement exercises. Seriously, I know I sound really pathetic but it actually works.  [I can't beleive nobody commented about this - did everyone know about this except for me? - Yes, it is working]

Got teeth whitened.  

Starting Now (Day 7) [1 week ago] Self Indulgence

I bought a sooowanky new car, set me back an assload of cash. Looking for a quad too. Doesn’t really mean anything (I’m not that materialistic) just makes the mid-life crisis thing official.  [love the car - so does wife].

I have decided to allow myself to flirt.  I occasionally get unprovoked “attention” from random women when I’m out in public places. Sometimes just smiles, sometimes even phone numbers. For some reason this seems to happen most often when I am really horny or frustrated and it only happens with girls I would actually be attracted to. Do they catch me looking? Can they smell it on me? I have no idea. I shyly and politely get the hell out of there. From now on I will flirt back and if I want to I will do the initial flirting. Don’t worry I plan to keep it G rated – innocent fun.  [actually tried it for the first time this morning (totally innocent as promised) coworker, 20 years older, cute for her age, seemed cool with it.]

Bring music back into my life. I used to play guitar in a band when I was younger. It’s something I quit when I met my wife. I plan to dust off the old guitars, call up some of the old boys and jam once in a while. No real gigs, I don’t need that [extra pressure or time commitment]. I just want to feel cool again.  [No jamming yet but I have been practicing at home.  My 2yo son thinks I'm wicked cool].

Quit wacking off all the time. This sounds like the opposite of indulgence but it depends what you are indulging in. I want to allow myself to fully experience the need and the pain. I have kept my self numb and complacent for too long. It’s like self medication. Self inflicted impotence is not indulgence. Max once a week maybe to start? I could do that. No more numbing my senses to suppress my real feelings and desires. It’s ok to be me – frustrated or not.  [Once a week for last 2 weeks - so far so good].

The point of the indulgence is to stop denying myself - that’s [other people's] job.  My job is to make ME happy. People like happy people. 

This list will grow as I discover and re-discover happiness within myself.  

By Oct 31 (1 year following conception of 2nd and last child)  This is the sex part.

Have “the talk”.  She is totally unapproachable on the topic of sex so even bringing it up will cause a lot of conflict.  [I plan to be gentle but clear - she needs to know what I am feeling, what I am missing - not her fault if I don't communicate].  I have no idea what I will say. I have no idea what her response will be. The whole idea scares the $hit out of me. I’m not going to wing it but currently I have no plan. Suggestions welcome.  

Start trying again. Yes, it’s true. I complain about not getting what I don’t even ask for anymore. No more beating around the bush. Maybe she will be into it – [most often probably] not. No excuse not to give it a chance.  [Again as promised earlier, until Oct 31 all innitiation will have to come from her - after that I'm back in the game].

TRY to rekindle the romance. The more I have been pushed away the more I have retreated. Bad plan. Obvious reasons. I have been just as affectionless as she is lately - that can’t help.  [in the last couple of weeks we have both been better at reaching out - there was sort of an imaginary wall between us that seems to be slowly breaking down.]

By then our baby will be old enough [3 months old] for [short times with trustworthy] babysitters (aunt or grandma anyway). Time to start up regular date nights again – just the 2 of us. Didn’t help us [with sex] before, probably won’t now – no reason not to try.  

Try to get her as drunk as I can as often as I can. Can’t hurt right? [still true]

After Oct 31 (Assuming there is any progress at all)  

Turn up the heat. If things have improved (meaning that we are having occasional if not regular sex by then) plan to work on making things more interesting – both in and out of the bedroom. Maybe try some new things, places, positions – keep it interesting.  

Find out her secret desires – and share mine. She’s pretty unapproachable when it comes to talking about sex. I know there are things that she doesn’t know about me sexually and I have only learned from her reaction to what I’ve tried. I need to get her talking. It’s easier to be receptive to sex if you know you are getting it the way you want it.  

Don’t “forget” about sex. What I really intend focus on is bringing sex to the front of our minds. Trying to talk about it more, maybe go toy shopping (even if it’s window shopping), maybe even pick out and watch the odd sexy or romantic movie together. The point is to do things that force us both to think about it.  

[Look into getting the snip.  This is something I have wanted to do for me and I have actually put a lot of thought into it.  We are done having kids and I'm not going anywhere.  One less thing to worry about regarding sex - keep it carefree right?  When we last talked about it I said there was no ******* way I would do that for someone who doesn't even want me anyway.  Petty, childish attitude.  I want to, I'm doing it.]

December

Make a big deal out of her 30th birthday. Maybe a big party. Maybe a getaway.   

Resume drinking again.  Booze is such an important part of our social culture and it is good to get irresponsible and let yourself have a good time once in a while. Really letting loose and having fun together is important [for any relationship]. And the “odds” are marginally better.  

Continue to try get her floor lickin’ drunk (drunk girls are sexy). [still true]

Feb 14. 1 year since the last time we had sex. [at least it would have been until last week]

[this part I have deleted / revised completely because currently the 1 year dry spell no longer applies (yay!).  However, I still intend to use this date as a point in time to evaluate the state of our relationship, the success of my "plan" and to possibly move forward with a new or revised plan.  My previous comments regarding an extremely long dry spell (now revised to 6 months) still apply in the context that it would be clear to me that my wife has no care or interest in maintaining a happy relationship with me.  That would be a clear signal that it is time for me to make a more decisive plan for the future of our marriage.  What that would mean exactly, I hope I never have to find out.  And no, as I have said before, it is not in my nature to cheat and I will not abandon my family.]

This is still pretty drafty and always subject to revision.  I don't do self help books - don't even watch Dr. Phil.  I came up with this on my own.  These steps, I'm doing for ME.  How others (particularly wife) react is up to them.  

[Is the plan working? - in many ways yes.  By putting myself in charge of my own happiness, I am allowing myself to be happy - and I am.  The body makover part is slowly taking effect (I already look and feel better) and in general, I am more positive and optimistic about my life, my situation and my future.  As for the sex part - time will tell - but we did end a 7 month + dry spell 1 week into the plan.  And she actually pursued it - didn't just ration it out.]

Blue