Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Husband Has Erectile Disfunction Tis Not Easy to Live With

I live in a sexless marriage..have been married 2 years. dated for 2 years before marriage. .I knew my husband had problems before we got married.  He promised to get help.. Got viagra ... he used it once.....was still not good.  Didnt really help him.  He is not very romantic.. I asked him to try something else..He just does not want to go to the doctor again cuz he is embarrassed.  I can't go on like this i am thinking of having an affair.  I do love my husband but i cant stand not having any affection nor romance.. His romance is a quick peck and maybe holding of the hands.  No intamacy whatso ever. I am very unhappy in that department.  I have talked to him but get no results. He watches beautiful women on tv when i am not around-caught him few times=talks about other beautiful women--which doesnt make me feel very attractive or appealing--but he also calls me the most beautiful woman in his life.  It makes me feel ugly and fat when he watches and talks bout other women and doesnt seam to want to get help for himself or us as a matter of fact that he cannot preform..  Sometimes i wonder if he is gay...i have even come right out and asked him..which he denies..I just cant understand why he will not go and get help...what does one do..how does one cope with someone who had difficulty preforming or even not even trying to get help so we can have a sex life.....i just  dont understand...........
keen keen 51-55, F 76 Responses Oct 16, 2007

Your Response

Cancel

Add a response...

I've been with my man for several years. We live together. I do believe he's cheating now for 1st time in our relationship in spite of the fact 99% of the time he's always in our bed nights. The 1% when he isn't home is when he's doing a favor for a family member either on his side or mine. He's had ED the entire part of our relationship. He isn't the type of guy who likes kisses or any of the things most couples go for. Sex wise he's tried numerous things to create a sex life but to no avail. He's going now to a doctor for help not because he chose to but because in a routine test by primary doctor it was said it could be a medical reason that prevents him in having an erection. He avoided going for help all these years based on shame, loss of hope and believed after having tried so many options that there was no chance of anything happening. Although he's going for help after 8 1/2 years being together only once since he's gone for help did we have sex but things still are not good enough for him to where he can have a full erection on a regular basis. I love him and is why I have put up with it all these years. When we first connected maybe the most was 5 times we had sex and only because he was lucky to get a product to work at that specific time. It'd work once and before you knew it he'd need try another product Til none no longer worked. He's close to 62 of age now. I'm close to 58 and would like a sexual relationship with this man but because of his problem if I try getting up close to him he closes up. His pride and ego as a man has him feeling less than and incompetent just as I feel not being able to connect with him in a sexual fashion I'm not sure what to do.

Well tell him exactly this ALL stuff. Including that you are going to have an extramarital affair, and I hope this will make him to react. BTW, how you know he's not getting sex somewhere else?

I know what you are saying. My husband and I have bin together 8 years married 1 year I knew when I married him he had ed. But it didn't really hit me till we were married how much it effects me. I've never had sex with him. I want to so bad it drives me crazy. I love him so much but there is no passion or effection. Makes me feel really ugly. I tell him he only married me to be his live in maid. I know he loves me he tells me all the time but a lot is missing. I want children and he say he would love them. But will not go get any help. His fear is it won't help. I'm 36 I'm getting older and he just hesitates. I've made appointments he cancels or for gets to ask the doc for help. I feel like telling him if you love me you would get help.
When we talk about his ed he says no not this again. He says it doesn't effect him he has no drive to have sex. Witch makes me even feel worse. Some days I just want to cry. He moved me away from everything I new. Into his mother's home that he inherented. And would rather watch TV or sit out side talking to the neighbors then to cuddle or show me any effection. Is my feelings selfish? Or exaggerated

He doesn't love you enough .
And he doesn't love himself enough to be the man he could be .
Your time is running out , you need to tell him that and bring this to an end . One way or the other .
Best wishes to you .

Your relationship with your husband sounds exactly like my relationship with my partner of 5 and a half years. if i bring the subject up we either break up the next day or he will do things to hurt me until it starts a fight and causes us to separate for a period of time usually 2 weeks and it is always me that goes back I have decided this time I am going to stay away if he really loves me he will do something about it and come after me if he doesn't then I guess i am on my own. I love him deeply but I can not keep on this rollercoaster for ever as I have lost most of my confidence I feel unattractive and unlovable. Here's hoping he loves me enough :(

I wish you well.
Hard to love someone that doesn't love themselves enough to get help.

My husband stopped having sex with me 12 years ago, shortly after the birth of our last child. Before that he only seemed to be interested when it was about making babies. I once joked that once we had all the kids he wanted, he wouldn't want me anymore, and damned if that isn't what happened. He is very passive aggressive, and when I didn't want to have a third child because I felt like it would be too much, he withheld sex from me until I gave in. After she was born, our sex life dwindled to nothing. I was told I couldn't have anymore children without risking heart problems, so I asked my husband to have a vasectomy so we could have a normal sex life without worrying I might die from another pregnancy. He refused for many months, and we simply never had sex. Finally he did get the vasectomy, but developed an infection that caused scar tissue in this testicle. After that he was never interested in sex at all, and we went for years, about 8 or so, where he would just tell me he would get help but he never would. Never called the doc, wouldn't go to doc appt. Period. He told me to just accept him as he was, as though it was something that couldn't be corrected! After many years, he did go and get tested, and found his testosterone was below 200. They put him on patches, but he didn't wear them very often, and he said they fell off all the time. Then more months went by with no treatment. He went to gel, but he seldom put it on, saying he couldn't remember to do it. Of course, this treatment did little. After more time, he went to injections. I'm a nurse, so I did the shots each week. He would treat me terribly and yell and snap when it was time for the shot. I practically had to force him to have them, and the testosterone levels stayed low. I got tired of him treating me horribly and told him I wouldn't do the shots anymore, he could have a doctor do them. I was just forcing things that he didn't care about anymore, and I was starting not to care if he got better or not. He was diagnosed with diabetes, which is just another complication to his erection issues. These days he's on gel, and he uses it daily. However, his doctor mostly talks about his diabetes during his visits and seldom even mentions the testosterone issue. My husband doesn't make much of an issue about it, either, as if he's at the mercy of what the doctor wants to talk about. It's an afterthought for the doctor to order a testosterone level blood draw, and often my husband will put off getting the test done for months. I am so tired. I ask myself now if there is any point in wanting sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want to bother. Why force someone to have sex? While he is a funny person, he is always very selfish and procrastinates on anything he doesn't see as important, which is just about everything around the house or that someone else asks him to do. I'm just worn out, and feel ugly and sad. I'm 45, and feel 85. 17 years of this nonsense, with 12 of it celibate and arguing with my husband to care enough to get help or to take it seriously enough to have a normal relationship with his wife. Sigh....any thoughts?

Get individual therapy, Dare2Dream so you learn to value, respect and love yourself again. You need to heal from the horrible emotional abuse you've been receiving for years. You also need to learn again what is normal and expected in a loving relationship, something that you've forgotten because your husband has been treating you so terribly. When you get emotionally stronger, you'll know what steps to take to make your life better.

Leave that *******.

Your life and mine have some sames UGH...

Dare2Dreamer, what you said in a joke -- that he had sex with you only to have children--is what many men and women refused here experienced with their spouses. Your husband is not likely to ever give you a fulfilling sex life. He may be asexual, gay, not attracted to you because for sex, he prefers promiscuous women whom he'd never want to marry.... Whatever his reason, you can't change it. You can choose to change your life by outsourcing or divorcing. If you need help deciding what to do, individual therapy could be a way to clarify your thinking and get support.

1 More Response

Ummm you asked him if he was gay...you just permanently killed his sex drive toward you and your sex life with him with that completely insensitive question. You said he looks at beautiful women on TV...so you really actually thought he might be GAY??? Let's be honest here, you asked him that "question" because you we're hurt toward him about this and you needed to make him feel hurt too. You should move on from this man now and do you both a favor, you have forever damaged his self esteem toward you with such a horrible statement, you will not get anymore progress with him.

I actually treat ED professionally, and consider it to be a relationship problem. There is a fixation on the penis and what it is, or isn't doing rather than looking at the bigger picture of why. In a relationship you need to consider all of the other factors which may be damaging to his response, including his own "Arousal Habits" your needs and the way the two of you approach it. It's complicated and not about how attractive you are at all.

I understand what you are saying here but as much as you know it isn't you that is the problem your head tells you different the hard part i find is how do you get an unwilling man to seek help i have managed to get him as far as the urologist twice who put him on 20mg cialis he took them and went to sleep the urologist explained that he needed stimulation both physical and visual being that it has been so long and told him he could get him there it was up to him how much he was prepared to put into it now if i say anything about him taking a pill it's I get a headache you try it see how you feel so i called his bluff and agreed to split it and we both take half a pill and he said if i do i will just be cranky all night and then an argument erupted so we never did get to take it and he has been pushing me away since HELP

Sounds like he prefers to stay 'broken ' because dealing with it seems all too hard.

I tend to think so too obviously his embarrassment has more of a hold on him than I do :(

It may take a big shock to get him to wake up and snap out of it .

That is what I am hoping if it doesn't then I guess we both will live lonely lives apart I can deal with it if he can't get an erection what I can't deal with is the not trying I need his affection a little bit of intimacy to me it certainly does not make him less of a man but his in-actions do

Exactly .

3 More Responses

My husband and I had a beautiful sex filled marriage right up until he had a massive stroke. Thankfully, it didn’t kill him, but he can’t get an erection any longer. With a lot of determination, he has managed to recover to the point where most people are unaware that he ever had a massive stroke. Sadly, he is still sexually inept. He has done everything possible to try to get back to his former highly sexual partner status, but to no avail.

My loving husband was very much aware of my sexual frustration in spite of all my sex toys and told me to take a lover. After much soul searching, I have. The contentment it has brought to our marriage is beautiful, and I love my husband intensely for his devoted consideration of my needs.

Having a lover has had a positive effect on my husband, he is no longer upset about his inability in the bedroom, and in fact, it has made him more loving and tender towards me, it is truly wonderful. We are both in our mid seventies.

Still u have the same problem nancy? if so pls contact me..

If he's too embarrassed to seek help for his ED then he isn't that interested in sex or in you. Otherwise, his desire for sex and his desire to make you happy would cause him to overcome his embarrassment about seeking additional medical help for ED.

I wonder if he has considered what his life would be like without you, and how embarrassing it would be for him to have to tell prospective romantic companions about his ED.

I wonder if we should go about treating women who are unable to get pregnant this way too??? Or when sexually abused women hide the incident from friends and family and refuse to go get help??? I am constantly shocked and appalled by the "me,me,me" self centered mentality of women in this day and age. Try putting your heart into the shoes of how others feel before you cast judgement. Wow

Native if someone married without telling their prospective mate about physical or emotional problems that made sex difficult or unwelcome to them or if they developed a sexual problem but refused to get it treated they deserve to be dumped just as would be the case for a man or woman who didnt disclose their known infertility before marriage.

I've had problems interfering with my sex life. I sought help. I didn't ignore those problems. Someone who ignores such problems doesn't care that much about sex or -- if they have a willing partner-- their partner's happiness .

Hi, According to specialists the stroke damaged the response of nerves in his lower spine. It is a miracle he can walk again. Slowly the nerves are coming back to life with lots of daily exercises and treatment. It certainly is not for a lack of interest or sexual stimulus. His stamina levels have increased to the point where he can now stand me working him to 3 ******* a day and get a semi erect penis. The doctors have tried many different drugs with little success. My husband is quite open about his medical problem and has done everything possible to help himself and is not embarrassed talking to or seeking help from anyone. In fact some of the best help has come from other stroke victims. Sadly Doctors don't know ever thing. My husband had to fight to get put on testosterone treatment which worked wonders with his return of strength.
As much as I enjoy the pleasure of my husbands tongue and fingers, nothing bets the satisfaction of a fat ****

Difficult as it must be for you to have an impotent husband, I hope it is a comfort that he cares enough about you and sex to have sought help.

1 More Response

Well the opposite is my experience. I am a 71 year old male and would like sex two or three times a week. I don't know what happened but after cutting out some medication for blood pressure my libido returned with a vengeance and since 2006 I have had an almost continual erection to the point of it being a nuisance. My friend loved it of course but her libido is low which leaves me frustrated for most of the time. I must find a lover or I will burst ! It has recently subsided slightly but I am still plagued with erotic dreams and extended periods of sustained erections.
Of course, it might have nothing to do with the medication as I now have a hydro-cell which needs a small operation . We all have our problems !

I lost the ability of erections for a long time. We have gone to several adult toys and looked at strap on ****** for me to use. It was the best choice that we bought along with several other items that we have seen their. :-)

What? Are you posting this as a joke or are you the wife? Your name is Jullianna but your talking about putting on strap ons and losing your erections...

OK, is he Ok with you looking elsewhere, ask him. Otherwise, understand his entire identity as a man is kinda squashed, I have the same issue...I get angry when my wife wants sex too. I would love to be able to do it but nature screwed me over....I am not sure how skilled you are with your hands but relax him and try otherwise if you want sex like at age 28..forget it, not happening if the man has ED. Kissing and cuudling can be frustrating if you try to start him up too...go for a walk with him in the morning and after dinner (if he is willing) the exercise might be enough to get him ready if you are ready at 5AM

I have ED too. I have tried all the drugs but nothing works. Blood does not flow to my penis to make it hard, but I have not lost my urge for sex. I have a tongue that works very well and magic fingers also do an amazing job. Even though I can't get an erection I love to have my **** played with and sucked. I still have the feelings and the libido and spend a lot of time being naked. I am now 71 years young and enjoy life. I don't let being disabled get in the way of my live.

Yeah go to match.com plenty of fish ok. Mine has the same problem.he refuses help.he drinks alot of booze too.I am going to buy a nice toy.you should also

Your sick

If you CAUGHT him looking at wimmins, he's bi at the most. (If you're gay, you don't sneak peeks at girlies. Unless he KNEW you were about to "catch" him.)

ED?
Is he overweight? Possibly diabetes, Atherosclerosis or both.
I got news for him, if THOSE blood vessels are clogging up, the ones in his ticker are in danger too. If he wants to live, he'll get a blood workup for cholesterol.

No matter the results, you may want to encourage him to cut out juice, soda, bread, and all flour based products: pasta, pretzels, cake, cookies. Etc.
That helps the diabetes AND atherosclerosis.

If he's a heavy fella, this is an even stronger possibility.

Finally, if he'd like to help you out... after the sugar-fast for a week, he should lay off "playing solitaire" for three days, and you be ready with a little nitroglycerine ointment on your nightstand.

http://www.drmirkin.com/men/9114.html

Apply it while you use your favorite method of TLC to the target.
If he's STILL got ED, it ain't YOU, m'dear. The poor man has serious medical issues.

This sounds similar. I'm 52 been married for 10 and haven't had sex in almost 4 years. My husband gets mad when I bring it up. Thus effects me almost everyday and he just doesn't understand while I'm "acting" the eat I do. He thinks it's normal and I'm at my wits end.

So for typos sometimes phone fixes comments. Was supposed to say acting the way I do.

The anger that can come from this, can be extreme.
He needs to act on the issue, if he chooses to ignore it , it won't go away.
His marriage , however , probably will.
Have to told him this ?

Yes that's the best way to approach this issue...dear god I hope none of you "ladies" become sex therapists

If a man is angry about not being able to achieve an erection and it upsets him ( not how upset his partner is ) yet he refused to go and seek help he will stay that way . A man who would rather sulk about it than find a solution is burying his head in the sand .. That attitude will destroy a relationship .
The same goes for women who are upset about the changes in their body and libido after menopause but refuse to find something to regain what they have lost .
What is your problem ?

1 More Response

Im a 35 year old male with ED"if you can believe that"....my wife and I have been happily,married with 4 children for 14 years....i first noticed I had a problem in the last few years.......i guess what im getting at....has anyone ever heard of a man in his mid 30's with this issue?......its really screwing with me mentally:(.....any advice would be appreciated

I have noticed a few cases of this in posts. It is a common problem. The first signs of trouble are usually noticed before 40.Poor lifestyle habits is always the first place to look for causes. The peni* is the canary in the mine shaft..it signals other problems.After this it could be age, mental health ( stress ect ) or a physical cause. Not all cases can be corrected , but most can be managed.
Keeping a healthy attitude is the most important part in being able the deal with this. I wish you and your wife all the best.

Thanks so much for the advice...for the most part..everything is ok,but I do have high blood pressure and a very stressful job......i guess I will be looking into these things....thanks again:)

I have done a lot of homework on this subject and it is very widespread, but hardly talked about.
Most men choose to not discuss it and hope that it will just go away. It ends up being their partner that goes away, not the condition, when they do this.
As this is such an important issue , and very much associated with health and lifestyle ( before it becomes an age issue ) I am stunned that it has not been used in advertising to warn men that they can be risking their much loved pen** ,if they continue to make bad choices when it comes to smoking, drinking, eating etc.Poor lifestyle that leads to poor health and the need for medication, which can ruin the ability to enjoy their sex life.
If the threat of death isn't scaring them into making better choices, maybe this will.
I wish you well and hope that things improve for you.Making changes in your own choices can make a difference even now. There are always things that are in your control that you can change, and it's a good place to start.
Good luck.

Hi, my husband is your age. It started about 3 months ago although there has always been some inconsistency. He's not much of a talkerbut had confided in me recently. I would love to talk to here your side without the guilt of his feelings. And maybe my side will help you with your lover. This is awful and I'm breaking down daily...

? Who were you directing this to ?

Bullshit . Spam . Flagged.

3 More Responses

You use Ayurveda medicine for your husband.

I married my husband 6 years ago after knowing about his ED. It has been almost 10 years since I have actually had a satisfying sexual encounter. I thought my love, encouragement, understanding, and empathy would help him to seek help. I was wrong.

He begrudgingly went to the doctor, and came home with ED medication. We went to a sex therapist, of which he complained about until I finally gave in and stopped going. Three marriage counselors, none more than 2 times. He refuses to acknowledge or talk about the problem. The fact that he can get an erection on his own is a huge factor in my outright anger at his lack of willingness to address the issue. He refuses to even discuss that it is a mental issue.

His ED contributed to our going through 3 brutal rounds of IVF, and finally adopting. Our DD is almost 3 now, and I was able to make peace with my sex-less, affection-less marriage, until now. His unwillingness to broach the intimacy issues of our marriage is creeping into his role as a father. I can see now that his ED issue is just the very tip of the iceberg, and he is emotionally stunted and incapable of having any intimacy. He is a glorified babysitter to our girl, and it breaks my heart.

I never thought I would want a divorce, but I do not want my girl growing up seeing this "marriage" as her model on what a relationship should be. I am tired of being married to a man who has zero self-awareness and zero desire to change. I am lonely, frustrated, anger, resentful. He is dismissive of my thoughts and feelings, passive-aggressive, and lives strictly on the surface of life.

Unfortunately, we are broker than broke. I am a SAHM (and he lets me know at least twice a week how worthless I am for not earning a paycheck) with chronic insomnia, depression, and a recent surgery on my shoulder. I have been driving myself crazy in the last few months (hospitalized for panic attacks) trying to figure out why I am so anxious. This marriage is the answer. Now I am focused on how to get myself and my girl out.

No amount of love, cajoling, or threats will make someone change who does not want to. I am done trying. Being alone would be preferable. So if you are not married, and this is affecting you? Run far and fast. Never settle.

Wishing you and your daughter all the happiness in the world.
My story is different to yours, but I can relate to the panic attacks !!!!Never ever had them until my marriage was in trouble. Good luck to you.

We'll I will start off by saying that he has no right to belittle you about your paycheck, that is just wrong and if he wants to go there then I would say he needs to be a real man and make enough money so that you shouldn't have to work! I think though the issue of divorce needs to be acknowledged in that it's not "your daughters model of marriage" that is the real reason for your desire for divorce...it's really about the way he treats you and how long you can tolerate that. There is an abuse called "emotional abuse" and he is definitely doing it to you. Call him out on his bs and tell him if he doesn't stop treating you like crap then you are packing your bags, taking your daughter and leaving. If he doesn't stop then follow through. You don't deserve that at all no matter what.

I am married to a man for 15 years. I knew there was a problem about 3 years ago. He only admitted the problem about 3 months ago. I understand the feelings of being lonely. I understand not feeling sexy anymore. Our sex life was OUTSTANDING! It was an amazing time. While I want him more and more... maybe its about undertanding it is what it is.... and sometimes we dont get everything forever. I appreciate what we had. I love him and I know this is hard for him. We will work it out, and yes it will not be the same. This is a tool of the devil to break up relationships and justify cheating. Be patient with your husbands. love him. be the wife you promised you would be, in sickness and in health.

This is the most unbelievably comforting thing I have ever heard from a woman. You are truly a catch and any man would be very lucky to have you as his life companion. I hope he knows this! Stay beautiful inside and out!

My story is similar. Husband and I married just 10 months ago. He's 35 and I'm 32. Marriage not even consummated. He has low T (350) caused due to prolactinoma (microedenoma) - a kind of benign pituatary tumor. He's on treatment now but no great change in the situation.<br />
<br />
He's a nice guy but I'm terrified of the future. Is this the way life is going to be for ever ? The first few months of our marriage have centered around doctor's appointments, test results, waiting and anxiety. Sure my heart goes out to him. He did not deserve this. However I am unable to fully believe him when he says he did not notice symptoms earlier. He admits he did not get morning wood every day (he says he did not know he was supposed to get it daily !). He shaves only once every 3-5 days. Arm hair is non-existent although leg hair is dense. Did he not notice all these changes ? He says he was able to ********** before marriage. But says that he assumed the hardness was sufficient. It's actually not firm for penetration (sorry if it's too graphic here). Did he not notice the reduction in fluid / ***** ? It's all too confusing and as a newly wed in an arranged marriage, I'm between anger, anxiety, sadness and worry.<br />
<br />
AND it's not just the sex. The low T explains his loss of ambition, pessimism, negative views, irritability..it's a personality change. In our culture, this kind of problem is very very rare. Although it seems it's catching up quickly, regardless of culture or nationality. <br />
<br />
Out of kindness and consideration to myself, and given it's an arranged marriage, I'm half-considering leaving him because I just don't want to be the mother of 2 kids and endure such a problematic sexual life, conflicting emotions, the sadness, the loneliness along with the stress of constant medical attention and doc appointments. With my parents dead and no siblings, I really lack a strong family emotional support system to deal with such problems. It's a cruel joke in a way - I avoided pre-marital sex my whole life and looked forward to a healthy, happy, fulfilled married life (I had my chances,it's not just a cultural thing). But all said and done, the thing that's holding me back is the guilt, fear and uncertainity of divorce and life after it. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for myself. I'm already 33, and with so few re-productive time ahead, I'm not sure what to do. The clock is ticking and it appears there are no easy answers.

Hmmm yeah it really sucks for you right? Since your the one with ED? Yeah ok. What happened to your vows? For better or worse? Sickness or in health? You should go so that he can find a more compassionate and committed woman.

Ok .
Now tell us all what your story is .
You sound like you are going through this .
You come here ( new empty profile ) and call the women here selfish for wanting what they have lost , and think it's wonderful to just accept things the way they are without expecting the men to problem solve an issue which is eating them away .
Ed is like many issues that drives a wedge in a marriage .. Poor health , obesity , low hormones , mental problems etc , all of which make the sufferer miserable . The spouse can see that and shouldn't just let it be .
We love our partners too much to just hold their hand and say .. It's ok , let's just ignore it , I love seeing you miserable . Self loathing is very attractive and a pleasure to live with !

And .. Let's not find a better way to handle this , let's just wait for our next life .

No I have no issue with a wife wanting to go get help, I have an issue with wives not being supportive and sensitive to the issue, acting like they are the only ones suffering. It's not a CHEATING issue it's a MEDICAL issue! It no difference then having cancer or being paralyzed. These ladies act like it's all the woman's problem and the men just hum through life...if it was a womanly issue such as the inability to engage in sex on her part do to hormonal changes or sexual abuse...no one would even think about blaming her and would be disgusted by the thought of any man leaving her because of that...same issue just a different scenario.

I am just so sick of the double standard women play and the lack of empathy in ladies these days

The feminist movement has socially conditioned you to only care about yourselves and self absorbed and be completely oblivious to the needs of the opposite sex

Oh now I see .. you are bitter , not just us.
ED is nothing like cancer or being paralysed . It can be permanent , but there are some things that help , and there are other things you can do , rather than refusing and sulking about it.
Feminist ? ..lol.. I don't follow them and don't agree with the crap they come up with.
Men do not 'Hum' through their ED situation , it's the most devastating thing they ever thought they'd be facing on a personal level. **** .. they'd rather have cancer in many cases.. they'd still feel like the man they use to be.
You just set up your profile and you came straight here to attack women who actually want to help their men regain what they have lost ... I'm guessing you have ED .
If is was a woman's issue ? .... you need to read more stories .. it is a woman's issue .
I was refusing my H for a while . We were drowning in stress and I was gone. He complained , he nagged and he sulked... but it wasn't until he snapped , that I was able to wake up and realised what I ...ME ... was missing out on .
If he hadn't told me he had had enough , and couldn't wait for me to come to my senses anymore... I would have stayed in the hell hole I was in ... never mind the hell hole he was in .
Years later , he had ED issues... and guess what ? I did the same to him , and I snapped .
We both understand what it feels like to be on both sides of this situation ... and both know that 'softly, softly ' gets neither of you to your happy place .

Do not, for 1 minute, think that I don't realise how devastating it is, to not be able to be the person you know you should be , the one you were, the one you want to be again... it is the deepest of holes...and sometimes it takes the person who loves you the most to get you out.
If they have to stand at the hole and tell at you to ' get your act together and fight for what you really want '.. then they are doing you a favour.
No one else is going to do that for you ... because it's a secret right .... no one else knows !!!

@ happinesswinsxx, I do not want to seem like I am attacking you or coming at you personally, that is not my intention and thank you for sharing your story with me. I am just really hurt and devastated because I am only 30 and having only been married for 2 years and I have to deal with this thing. A few days ago me and my wife got medical testing reports back from a specialist (we were in a major car accident a year ago and we both suffered mild TBI as a result) and on my report one of my results said (sexual disfunction) on it. My wife saw the sheet and just flippantly said "you have sexual disfunction, that's really frustrating for both of us." I was so angry because she was so d#%n insensitive about addressing the issue. When I got obviously hurt by it and addressed that with her, she said I was acting like a "pu$&y" for being so emotional, yes those were her exact words. I am hurt and devastated by this. She later apologized but I still feel betrayed. So yes I am bitter right now but thank you for hearing me out.

I am very sorry to hear that .
Your wife did not handle that they way she should have at all ... But I have a feeling she acted in shock and fear .
I have learnt that the people who love you can say the most hurtful things to you when they are hurting . At that moment she was hurting , not more than you , but hurting .
I have been at my lowest point and been laughed at , had nasty things said to me and still , I knew that those words were not coming from the person who said them .
I hope that you can move forward and find ways to make things better . Best wishes to you .

6 More Responses

I read the very selfish stories its all about me me me my sex not his life of pain and torture. Get a life women their are other ways to please yourself and him with out a hard on, did u marry him for his **** or for him as a whole. Wake up your pathetic.

I married my husband because his is a whole person . I did not marry his ****! Of course there are many ways to please yourself and your husband without the need of an erection..But that doesnt change the fact that both are not happy with fact that intercourse is no longer such an easy thing to do, like it use to be .We are all grieving the loss of something that is important to use . It sounds like it isnt so important to you ! Lucky you ..."Get a life "is not going to help anyone going through this situation . What life should we get ?? Do you mean get someone else ? Or do you mean make the best of what we have .....thats exactly what we are all trying to do ! Pathetic is suffering in silence and pretending nothings wrong...Either you are bitter about this subject because you too are in a similar situation, or you are not and have no idea what it feels like ....which one are you??Everyone will deal with this their own way , and those who love their man will understand how devastating it is for him , but we still suffer together.

Thank you for such a calm reply that was educated, classy, and peaceful. Your reply brought tears to my eyes because IM thinking "FINALLY! Someone gets what Im feeling. And she isn't cursing anyone out just to prove a point!" I REALLY couldn't have said it better myself (trust me i know what i was about to post before I read your reply). Thank you!

Thank you !
It's a cruel situation to be in , absolutely devastating ! But you have to work at it together .

You sound like an awesome person. I am sorry i made a bad remark to whoever wrote that ,but it made me so angry !!

Your selfish which is an unfortunate developed trait in woman over the past 2 generations. It's all about you and your pain and struggles. Feminism has made you unable to see the pain of others do to social conditioning where you see yourselves as always the victim and men as jerks and tools.

Wow you sound pretty pathetic . If you have gone through this i can understand ,but if you haven't walked in her shoes you need to shut the f... up !!!!!!!

3 More Responses

I have never strayed from my marriage , it would never give me what i need the most , intimacy with my husband ! Its not as simple as sex .I feel for anyone in a relationship that is feeling so alone that they need to look elsewhere to fill the void that exists at home . My situation has only developed in recent years ,but the pain it causes is debilitating. I have much to say on this subject and hope that what I have to share will be of interest to some of you out there going through this also .I will write soon to paint a bigger picture ..

i'd be interested in what you did - did you find sex outside your marriage? I've lived in sexless marriage for 20 years and finally went outside the marraige to get my needs met. i have never regreted my decision and it has been very satisfying for me. yes i'm still married and love my sexless wife.

I am crying while I read all of these painful stories .I too, am the wife of a man who at 43 and has Ed.We have been together for 26 years ,and love each other very much .I know that he is devastated about his condition , I am too. Nothing compares, however, to the fact that he avoids any intimacy with me, due to his fears of performance anxiety . I understand his wanting to avoid disappointment for both of us . The thing is , I still exist , I still want his touch more than anything , but it never comes . Ed is not enough of a reason to end all intimacy .If my husband had an accident that cut him in half below the waist , I would still expect intimacy from him . Men are more than just their penis ! I worry that only women seem to know this !!

I am in your shoes...not only does this occure but I am also going through the anger stage sometimes it is almost to much to bare...not my anger but his ...they atack the ones that love them the most

You are in my shoes! The anger and blame can be extreme at times. Have had some of the most hurtful comments during the worst times.You dont bring it up because you dont want to upset them , then when nothing changes you feel compelled to say something and no matter which way you approach the subject, you are the one responsible for all that has ever been wrong in the relationship ? Sometimes the words that come out of my husband, when i try to discuss things, are so strange that i think he has turned into someone else.At times i have been screamed at and told to "Get over it !!" ????I know that he is coming from a dark place when this happens , but it's so painful to have to endure .There are times when things seem to be going well , then soon after we find ourselves back where we started. I too have been told that when i was experiencing a low sex drive ( during having kids , stress with other family , work stress, parents suffering cancer ) that i should " Get yourself fixed "? I even spoke to my doctor and was told , its normal for women to go through this , there is not much you can do . I went along with the "try it you might like it " approach , which usually worked , even if he did all the initiating. Now the tables have turned and i end up having that thrown at me everytime we end up arguing about our current situation.That and anything else i have ever done to upset him in all the years we have been together.. Whether its low sex drive , ED , or low testosterone , i think it make's many men highly defensive , so they go on the attack......Despite this , i still come back for more ..My husband is the only man i want in my life , so i take the good with the bad. Its amazing how man examples of things i have done wrong (to him ) that he can come up with sometimes. In 26 years there is bound to be a few things that annoyed or upset him . Funny thing is , i only remember the angry fights and his hurtful words that he has dished out to me during the many discussions we have had . This is a subject that most men wish would just go away ....never to be discussed on any level ever again .....Problem is we keep reminding them that it needs to be discussed and worked through. We can't win , "Damned if we do , damned if we dont "! Wish you lots of luck , love to hear how your doing .

Wow your very bitter...I think YOU need to seek counseling and therapy

Why , we are happy having sex like we always did .

I'm 59 and been with ED for six years. My love my wife with all my hart and soul. She use to love sex. Couldn't wait for it. Since my ED she doesn't want to talk about it. She use to kiss and hug me now that's gone. I can't tell you the hurt I feel for her. I read these type of letters all the time. Some men get mad at there wife and blame her. These men don't really love there wives. Then they are other men who have tried everything. Still nothing. I told my wife like others have to find another man to have sex with. In instead of being looked at as a loving offer she must think I'm some kind of pervert. I know my wife very well. She needs a penis worse than any woman I have ever met. Help. Can other women talk to her and help her understand.

2 More Responses

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We want to have a baby, to complete or family, but it is literally impossible due to ED. We are mutually devastated and I feel like I am wasting my life. I love him and have been there for him through some of the toughest times in his life, but I hate my life. I feel unloved, unwanted, unsatisfied, unattractive and completely useless without purpose (other than being a maid). So what else?

ED is not really the problem here, even if his equipment doesn't work, he still can cuddle and hug you, and even help you to climax in other ways. I've had ED for 17 years, and while not much helps, my 2 wives are more than satisfied with their love life. Many men have the wrong idea that their maleness is related to wither their penis gets erect, when in reality it's how they treat their loved ones.<br />
My suggestion is to take him to your Dr. for a complete checkup, various drugs and medical conditions can lower sexual desire. Counseling can also help.

hi! i've been married for year, and we were dating for the past 10years, our sex life was simply perfect up until the past couple of months, in which we would be having sex and he would simply go off ! and if i asked whats wrong he'd say that he's just tired ! there were a lot of times in which i thought i wasnt appealing any more but im only 24, and i weight 54KG, so i dont think my appearance is the problem. There were even times i thought he turned gay! and sometimes he'd be done WAY sooner than he usually would! i really think its affecting my marriage and i have no idea what to do as sex is not a very discussed topic in my country!<br />
HELP !!

I have been married for 3 years now and I live a sexless marraige from the beginning... we used to try to have sex and it would turn out to be an mechanical exersice instead of pleasure.. but the strange part is he has always been cudly, loving and caring even now....first I used to feel its something to do with me but then as years went by he has no interest in sex part at all... what do I do?

Me and my husband where good friends before we started a relation and he had been single for 10 years and had girlfriends with benefits without the attachments. <br />
Last year we got married after a 5 year relation from day 1 he told me that he had problems making love because he had problems with his prostate. I told him to go and see a doctor which he did. So the sex wasnt bad but it was more foreplay then real sex but I accepted it because I love him. After our marriage it seems like he isnt interessted in me anymore. I go to bed wait for him but he stays up as long as he can then comes to bed in the dark. I have tried to figure out what is going on untill a few weeks ago I got so angry that I said things to him and he replied with start lossing some weight if you want sex. I am 44 years old 1.68cm and 68 kilo's not bad in my eyes but the only problem is that i have some baby fat around my belly. When he said that I thought my world collapsed. He wants me to be sexier in the bedroom well I dont know how because everytime I try he is a sleep already. Doesnt do good for your self esteem. After that huge fight he comes to bed and try to hold me but I dont want that when he touch me his words go through my head. So last week I joined a gym not for him but for myself. I want my self esteem up. I just dont know wat to do. I love him so much but things keep going through my head. Was everything what he told me a lie or is it me. Is he still attractive to me those questions goes through my head daily now and like blueeyebamagaal said I feel more like a maid then his wife atm.

I have been married for three years now and my husband has never made love to me. He has been married before and has made love to many, many women. When there is a little snuggling taking place, on my end, and I start with his ear, I am immediately told.to stop. Since I have been married my self confidence and self esteem as a female is no more. I feel like a maid because when my husband comes home from work he is limp in that he can not do anything and I have to stop my daily routine and wait on him from that point on, literally. I feel like a maid and a caretaker. I need some counseling and feedback please. I do love my husband.

hello i havent been on here for some time but my situation is still the same...I have not had an affair, but after 7 years of no sex not even cuddling we now have separate beds cuz his snoring is auful-he is now retired- its still the same ol peck on the lips and i love you as i go out the door to work..Its not even talked about. he has put on alot of weight and physically is not attractive- he is a great guy but i am to the point that i resent him so very much..ugg i cant even imaging having sex with him it litterly disgusts me..I am not going to divorce him but i am to the point i need some lovin...and some carressing someone to let me know that i am wanted..the toys have been a blessing because at least i could release some stressed up energy but its just not enough anymore-they have kept me from cheating-but i am to that point now--i gotta just do it...start looking..i am so unhappy inside feel so unloved hell he pays more attention to the dogs then he does me..they get al lthe petting i get nothing..i have mentioned doctor to him...but he never gets around to doing it...so i guess he isnt going to do it...its been 7 years and he has done nothing for 6 of it...so my mind is made up...sad cuz i do still care for him..but i dont really love him like i used to...but am not going to leave him

I'm not a big proponent of cheating, but I don't judge anyone either. I say do what you need to do to preserve your sanity.

I think what hurts the most is the emotional distance and the blame game. For the past three years I have been blamed (different excuses every time) thy I did this, I said that. I fully understand his frustration after three years of trying to figure what is wrong.<br />
He knew but I didn't. Forplay went out the Window for me and I couldn't figure out why. After reading these posts I now realize he needed to hurry the sex so he didn't lose his erections. It all started when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure. After starting the medication things went down hill from there. His emotional and physically distance has torn us apart. And I'm not talking about the sex. Hardly any kisses hugs caressing you name it. His unwillingness to talk about it is frustrating. He just gets really mad. I told him I am very understanding and if we could just talk about it and for him not to hold it in would help. Funny thing is is is accepting of my body changing and going thru menopause. I just laugh and told him I'm drying up down there. Where's the astrology glide. So any of you men out there reading this, just be open and honest with your wife. Don't shut her out. Hold her and caressed her. Make her feel wanted. Just because you can't perform doesn't mean you can't do sexual things for her. It is very lonly and frustrating way to be.

My husband is in the anger stage,, I am to blame for his condition because he didn't get enough sex in our marriage,, I married him and told him when we got married that sex is part of a relationship not the glue that holds it together,, well I haven't heard the end of that statement,, it is thrown into my face on a constant basis,, I am trying to understand what he is feeling,,, not being in his shoes,, but the brunt of all his fustrations are taken out on me verbally,, it is getting to the point where I don't know if I can take much more

Hi my name is Steve and I suffer from ED, please read my story. I first suffered from ED about 7 years ago, I was devastated, how was I going to live without the ability to get an erection that was part of everyday life?, how would I satisfy my wife?, I selfishly decided that sex was pointless and decided not to bother, as you can imagine my wife became frustrated and we eventually separated (what a waste).<br />
After finally realizing that I had made a huge mistake which had cost me the love of my life I decided to learn everything I could about ED and how to deal with it. I wanted to help other people and not let them make the mistake that I had, if you have a loving partner they will understand and help you deal with it. There are no miracle cures but there are things that you can do to make sure you both have a loving and successful sex life. The things that I have learnt and the experiences I have had proves that you can still have great sex and keep your partner satisfied, I am very happy to share these experiences with any of you, male, females or couples if you want to know what i discovered then drop me a line stephgry@aol.com and I will be happy to oblige.<br />
Don't do what i did and ignore it, you are worth more than that, find a solution and get back some fun.<br />
Steve x

Wow my man doesn't have ed but it sounds a lot like your story though we're not yet married. I know he's not gay but I admit it was a passing thought. I really just think with men if you don't use it you loose it. Sex drive is something you build. I have asked him to take his fellow for a walk at least once a week and thought maybe it might help. We're in a long distance relationship right now but I may be moving there if he gets this job and becomes more financially stable. I think our problem is emotional. Week sex drive due to this awful economy. Stress and self confidence has definitely taken a hit. I'm not giving up on us though. I love him too much. We'll find a solution.

hi..have you ever asked him to consider 'oral" if he can't get erect?

Husband has been to the doctor and "doesn't like" how the meds make him feel, even though it is only for the next 24 hrs or so. I say take a decongestant but he doesn't "like" taking pills. <br />
He won't look after my needs in a loving way even if HE can't have an erection - nothing in it for him I guess.<br />
<br />
This has been about 6 yrs of this crap and I'm tired of it. Doesn't feeling stuffy for a day worth the pleasure we both get, the emotional reassuance I get, ease the pressue of this unlivable situation..... and help the marriage? I used to love to just touch him, He likes his back scratched and feet rubbed, but not too keep to do the same for me and now I don't even want to touch him. <br />
He loves me to death and has that damn man mentality of working his butt off to provide. I told him in the beginning I didn't want to sleep with a wallet. <br />
I know he's faithful and that I am his life. But I am losing the love I felt under the weight of dissappointment and neglect. However I feel extremely selfish, disloyal and like a spoiled North American by being so distraught over this. I have so many blessings....... but this is tearing at the feelings that I have or had for my wonderful husband. I find I am more angry, less considerate or even concerned about what he wants. We are in our 50's and have been together less than 8 yrs.

My husband has had ED for four years. It's so bad at present that it's literally been three years since we had sex with an erection capable of producing an ****** for me. <br />
<br />
At first, say the first year and a half, I didn't even know what was wrong. At all. I thought all sorts of stuff--did I suddenly get unattractive? Is he having an affair?--and he did everything he could to hide it from me.<br />
<br />
Once I knew what it was, *I* talked to the doctor. I just squared my shoulders and had a very matter-of-fact conversation about it with my hubby in the room. <br />
That changed everything in terms of his attitude about it and our relationship.<br />
<br />
He's tried it *all*: pills, inserts, even shots. Nothing works. Turns out? He has vascular damage. So, of course, this stuff won't work. <br />
<br />
Right now, he's seeing a chiropractor regularly--which means we went from NO sex at all to having sex fairly regularly (but the erection is not capable of producing an ******). This is an improvement though, because we are spending time being close and intimate. So I am not complaining. <br />
<br />
The bottom line is to keep seeing doctors. It was his urologist and his endo who finally figured out that it is vascular damage. <br />
<br />
So, if your partner has tried the pills and it didn't work, no, it's not necessarily in his head. <br />
<br />
There is surgery out there where they install a pump. We're planning to do that, I guess. (Not the rods!!! The actual pump. Avoid the rods!) But we have to wait for some financial stuff to come through.<br />
<br />
In the meantime... yes, I understand being so frustrated sexually you don't know what to do with yourself and considering an affair. I can't do the latter b/c I'm just too in love with my husband. <br />
<br />
But do have a frank conversation with the doctor. Your partner's embarrassment is likely so great that he just can't. And showing your husband that you *get* that this is a physical thing--no different than diabetes or high blood pressure, and both of those things can cause this--will go a long way.

ill give u fun:)

Do NOT have an affair!! Trust me! Just let your hubby know that you're having a HUGE issue with him not getting help. There's other things you can do. And, trust me when I say, I know how you feel. I do. And I know how deeply that frustration penetrates you. How badly you want him to throw you down and ravage you for an hour. 30 minutes. Something. You need to be COMPLETELY upfront and blunt with him. Tell him he needs to see a doctor. And if he can't put the effort in, neither will you. Let it go from there. You'd be surprised how quickly he'll put the effort in, for you. It may come to pills and toys for a while. But it will get better. Just don't cheat right off the bat. That is soooooo wrong. It's emotionally damaging to EVERYONE involved.

Do NOT have an affair!! Trust me! Just let your hubby know that you're having a HUGE issue with him not getting help. There's other things you can do. And, trust me when I say, I know how you feel. I do. And I know how deeply that frustration penetrates you. How badly you want him to throw you down and ravage you for an hour. 30 minutes. Something. You need to be COMPLETELY upfront and blunt with him. Tell him he needs to see a doctor. And if he can't put the effort in, neither will you. Let it go from there. You'd be surprised how quickly he'll put the effort in, for you. It may come to pills and toys for a while. But it will get better. Just don't cheat right off the bat. That is soooooo wrong. It's emotionally damaging to EVERYONE involved.

My husband and I will be married 35 years soon and for the past 10 years or so he has shown me no affection at all because of ED. I finally got it out of him that the reason he doesn't show me any affection (kisses, touching, etc) is because in the past, that has, or could have, led to sex, which he is unable to do anymore. So, for him, it is easier just to do nothing, even though he knows how hurt it makes me. He has had heart surgery, has high blood pressure and diabetes and has no interest in talking to his doctor about it or taking anything for it. I crave affection, any kind of affection, and he knows it. I cry all the time about it and even told him a couple of weeks ago that I can't take it anymore and want a divorce, but he says he does love me and he knows I don't believe in divorce, and that I said what I said out of frustration. I really don't know if I even love him anymore, though, because I feel like we have just been room mates for so long. If we could get our communication and some intimacy back, I could handle that. I don't really care about the actual sex act, just affection and good communication. Maybe that would bring back the love I felt for him 35 years ago. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of crying.

has anything gotten better? Our lives are similar...we're married 40 years...he told the Dr. 8 years ago...tried pills...too many side effects....won't touch me either OR TALK about it! You're NOT alone...not sure what to do either...all cried out MOSTLY!

I have too come to the defense of men, I read all these post and you need to become more educated of ED, I am a wife of a very loving man even though my husband has this problem I am still very much in love with him. I did not fall in love with him because of sex I am in love with him. ED is not emotional nor does it mean your man does not love you the same. It is a medical condition, become more educated. What if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if your husband talked this way. What if your husband was in a car wreck and in a coma, or some serious illness would you still be talking this way ? I would not even begin to think of going and having an affair on my husband I would not put him through that I am in- LOVE with my husband. Ask yourself why did you first fall in-love with him ? Yes we need the emotional support as well, just spending quality time with him is all I need. Yes I may think about sex a lot of the time, but make up for it in other ways. If we laugh together and play games together, take a bath together it make all the difference in the world. ED is not something to take lightly nor does it mean your man doesn't love you the same. It is hurtful to him and wares on his ego support him instead of being negative toward him. If you truly love him and in love with him then you would do so. Remember why you married him. I will never hurt my husband nor leave him just because he can not perform in the bed. Get medical educated on this and you will feel different.

You are so right. However what I think we are saying is that we are frustrated that our husbands seen to turn us off. There are plenty of ways to find sexual satisfaction that do not envolve an erection but we wish our men could understand that. I don't need penetration for sexual satisfaction I do need a man who is willing and wants to pleasure me. And in the process we can find alternate ways to pleasure him. It's just that many men with Ed don't even want to try and that is what hurts most.

Ok I was with my man two years and sex was 4 times a week we got married a year ago and we haven't no sex after two week of being married . I found out not by him, that he was taking pills for ed before we was married,but he didn't tell me he had it ,and he doesn't know I know today.what gets me is he acts like he is Mr. hot man around all the women we are around and he isn't.we have no kids and are not going to, he is fixed,And all of this makes me mad.because all I have heard about him from other people and his family is all the young women he was with before me .Sorry people but it takes a man that has a working part in his jeans to keep that, and to tell the truth it doen't work,If I didn't want to be with a MAN I would been guy but I'm not and I think he should have talk to me about it If all the women that come on to him knew they would run.

I have wasted 6.5years of my youth to a man who has ED and has never thought about marrying me. Now that I am 37, haven't had sex for the past 5years (which in the 1.5yrs, only had sex less than 10x), I am ready to cheat on him and then walk out of it. I will not pity this person as he has put me in an emotional abuse for those years. I found empty beer bottles and wine bottles in his cabinet in the study, but he profusely denies that he is an alcoholic. He is 45 and never been married before and I don't know why I quit my job in my home country and moved to Shanghai, China and all I do everyday is stay at home and cook. He told me if I want to leave, I am free to leave, but with only 2 suitcases as he is not going to use freight-forwarding. I am a single parent and this has jeopardised the kid's education in our home country and now I am stucked with an unemployed man, who is an alcoholic, ED suffererer and a selfish-being who only thinks of himself. I hope God will not blame me for cheating on him.

I fully understand the point of view from both sides. <br />
Unfortinaly only in theory. Being a 31 year old woman <br />
Sex is still a very important part of my relationship. <br />
The problems began when my husband and I where both <br />
29. My oldest daughter is 11 and my baby is 9 months. <br />
My days are spent being a wife and mother, scrafising a <br />
Career and all else for my family. The only time I <br />
Get to feel sexy or like a woman is in the bedroom. <br />
I feel so old and alone knowing no matter what I <br />
Were or do is never going to matter. I love my husband<br />
And have been with him and only him for 12+ years.<br />
I feel like if he really loves me he would not want to<br />
Give that part of our life up. Obviously on occasion <br />
( having a 9 month old) we can have sex but it is very infrequent <br />
And always strait to the point in fear of failing. When things don't <br />
Workout it is really bad. So many hurt feelings and distance. <br />
I always try to comfort him and make it all better but I have no<br />
One to do that for me. His problems are my problems but I have to<br />
Take the weight if both and I am feeling helpless. <br />
I am not ready to give up the sexual side of my life<br />
even if he is. I need a husband not a roommate! I know that<br />
I can't do anything about it buy I think by seeing it in writing may help<br />
Me put it all in perspective.

Dear Shimmer20,

I see you posted not too long ago. I hope you are finding answers that help you get what you want and need. I just added two posts in this thread. I hope you take some time to read through them. I think they could provide you with some additional support. Best to you, your hubby the family you are building.

I was married to my first husband for close to 33 years, He was a tyrant and a miserable person. Met my 2nd husband one week after I left the first. This man is incredible. Everything a woman wants in a man. Loving, kind, affectionate & great in bed. I found out just a couple of months after we were dating about his ED. ehh no big deal we are and can work around it, and we did. Until the day we got married, everything changed. On our honeymoon we only had sex once. Now it’s been about a year and a half that we have been married & it just gets more & more infrequent. When I try to talk about it, he is unwilling "doesn't want to do this again" kind of attitude. <br />
One of the problems is that he is very, very affectionate. So all the cuddling, and making out like teenagers but no finale! I get to the point that I am shaking sometimes and thoughts go through my head that shouldn't. Things I would never have considered doing are a serious consideration now. When we do have sex, it’s his call. Pretty much come in from work – let’s get this over with & watch some TV and have a beer.<br />
Here is a side note – he still wants me to go down on him at least a couple of times a month. I have, because I love this man so, but I am starting to feel also a bit of resentment. And he’s probably had his last at his point until I see some real changes. Until I know he is thinking of my needs as well.<br />
I miss feeling sexy, I miss feeling sensual, I miss falling asleep in my husband’s arms after we have made love. I miss the connection that sex gives me and I feel lonely even with an affectionate man.

I was married to my first husband for close to 33 years, He was a tyrant and a miserable person. Met my 2nd husband one week after I left the first. This man is incredible. Everything a woman wants in a man. Loving, kind, affectionate & great in bed. I found out just a couple of months after we were dating about his ED. ehh no big deal we are and can work around it, and we did. Until the day we got married, everything changed. On our honeymoon we only had sex once. Now it’s been about a year and a half that we have been married & it just gets more & more infrequent. When I try to talk about it, he is unwilling "doesn't want to do this again" kind of attitude. <br />
One of the problems is that he is very, very affectionate. So all the cuddling, and making out like teenagers but no finale! I get to the point that I am shaking sometimes and thoughts go through my head that shouldn't. Things I would never have considered doing are a serious consideration now. When we do have sex, it’s his call. Pretty much come in from work – let’s get this over with & watch some TV and have a beer.<br />
Here is a side note – he still wants me to go down on him at least a couple of times a month. I have, because I love this man so, but I am starting to feel also a bit of resentment. And he’s probably had his last at his point until I see some real changes. Until I know he is thinking of my needs as well.<br />
I miss feeling sexy, I miss feeling sensual, I miss falling asleep in my husband’s arms after we have made love. I miss the connection that sex gives me and I feel lonely even with an affectionate man.

oh it is so great to have a site like this . I have enjoyed a fantastic sex life with my husband untll he had a heart attack after we were married for six months. His b/p tabs have changed everything. I feel so alone unattractive and miserable as he feels he fails and so it does affect the relaationship. What has really helped both of us is talking about it and then usually the next day we had great sex. My husband fear failure and so think patience and understanding is important. However I know that it is absolutely miserable not to enjoy spontaneous sex and fun and is a huge loss to any marriage. I dont thing Cailis was the4 answer just understanding and intimacy it worked for us for now. I am not sure what the future holds.

oh it is so great to have a site like this . I have enjoyed a fantastic sex life with my husband untll he had a heart attack after we were married for six months. His b/p tabs have changed everything. I feel so alone unattractive and miserable as he feels he fails and so it does affect the relaationship. What has really helped both of us is talking about it and then usually the next day we had great sex. My husband fear failure and so think patience and understanding is important. However I know that it is absolutely miserable not to enjoy spontaneous sex and fun and is a huge loss to any marriage. I dont thing Cailis was the4 answer just understanding and intimacy it worked for us for now. I am not sure what the future holds.

I've been married for a little over 2 years. We dated for about a year before getting married, and although he was not highly interested in sex, we didn't have major issues before the wedding, and it was plenty of pleasure. Two months after our wedding day, my husband started showing that he had erectile dysfunction. I felt cheated and deceived to learn that he was using viagra without telling me before our wedding. I have become depressed and angry, and even started taking anti-depressants. We have gone through months of no sex at all. Every time we try anything, the results are frustrating. It has been so many talks about finding a solution, and just don't see what, when and how. Every time I tried to have a conversation, he manipulates the conversation and I end up feeling guilty. I know it is not my problem, and I didn't choose to live with it. I feel my dream of becoming a mother disappearing as I get closer to my 40's. I miss having a passionate life, and I just want to be happy again.

To all the ladies that seem to have my same story... research the low testosterone theory. My husband has all of the symptoms on www.isitlowt.com. He was incredibly sexual when we met, he was 26 years old. Sex was consistent until he hit 40. He cannot sustain an erection and I am very dissatisfied. He takes Cialis, sometimes. He says it makes him dizzy.<br />
In some of my research, the idea that America uses hormones for manufacturing and farming (chickens, cows, milk, eggs, beef, etc) and this may be causing the high estrogen, low testosterone problems in our men. CHECK IT OUT!

I am crying buckets as I write this. I feel so sad and alone at the moment. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and we were going out together for 3 years before this. I still love him very much, but he has been suffering from ED since about April this year, but on and off before this. He has tried viagra which worked a couple of times, but he didn't feel too good and had a few side effects. I have read a few articles and am worried that he may have future heart problems. He is 50, and 12 years older than me, he smokes and I had given up trying to get him to give up smoking, but now I think he really needs too, and over the last few days he is making a real effort. He is already on cholesterol tablets and I have said that he really should go back to see his doctor. I feel so selfish as I have always enjoyed sex and I have always felt having sex makes me feel loved. Now I just feel so unloved and don't know how to deal with my emotions. He has told me that he doesn't feel like a proper man anymore and feels like he is letting me down and wouldn't blame me if I went off with someone else. I know he tries to avoid even trying to get too close to me now. I miss him so much, I just want my old husband back.

I am living with a husband like this for the past 20 years. I have three children as I get pregnant fast. I feel so miserable as I am 46 years now. He makes me feel so ugly as he looks at beautiful women. I feel so trapped as I have three children. I believe in god and dont want to sleep with someone else and also I have three wonderful daughters. I feel good to express my feelings. Recently I found some tablets in his toilet kit and checked on the net. We have been living in two differant countries for the past one year. I am thinking of getting the family together.

I found this thread searching for answers. My husband, who is a young man, has ED. After a year of this, I don't know if our marriage will survive. We are newlyweds!

Hi there, I'm a newly wed. Married 10 months now. Same story as yours. How have things turned out since you last posted....? Did you guys make it ? Most importantly how has it been for you the last 2 years ?

Dear Keen<br />
<br />
I have lived like you, with a man who wont take responsibiltiy for his sexual problems by trying to sort them out. Like you I live in a sexless relationship (been with my partner for 7 years) with little or no emotion shown. It is a very lonely existence. Its so wierd that you guys thought your partners were gay as I too have had exactly the same thoughts as have some of my friends when I have shared my problem!! We too tried counselling but to no avail and to be honest he just gets aggressive and defensive when I try to broach the subject. Nothing is ever his fault, he just blames other people <br />
<br />
I have held on for 7 years with vacant promises that have never been fulfilled, Ive had sex like 3 times in the last 2 half years, and sadly now got the age where children may not even be a possiblity. It makes me very sad and am now at the point where I am having to sell our lovely home and start all over again, which is very scary. <br />
<br />
I hope things improve for you guys.

Deara autumngirl - You post made my heart go out to you. How are you coping ? i'm in something similar and am in two minds about whether to go on or not. I was wondering what you decided. Leaving is by far the hardest decision to take. The guilt, the uncertainity, the end of dreams. But goodluck to those you finally manage to take that decision. I'm guessing it's a lot like the fear of diving. Once you hit the waters, it's manageable. But the hardest part is the leap.

I totally understand what these ladies are talking about. My husband was a great lover until he developed ED. He is too embarrassed to discuss this with his doctor. I have stressed him about this several times. At least 2 to 3 times a month, I have this discussion with him. Finally, I took matters into my own hand. I am too young to live my life without sex! Ladies, I say you have only one life to live. If your spouse can't take care of business find someone that will!

I totally understand what these ladies are talking about. My husband was a great lover until he developed ED. He is too embarrassed to discuss this with his doctor. I have stressed him about this several times. At least 2 to 3 times a month, I have this discussion with him. Finally, I took matters into my own hand. I am too young to live my life without sex! Ladies, I say you have only one life to live. If your spouse can't take care of business find someone that will!

I can get it up but cannot strike sparks off of it anymore. When I started having slight problems, I tried to explain to my wife of over 40 years that I need a little help to get started. but she seems not to take the hint. Just lying there and saying "Do me and roll over and go to sleep and don't snore" is not very romantic. I have tried to get her to dress a little less prim, and go to a beach with less than a burkha on but just cannot get thru to her that I have a problem and need a little stimulation to get off of dead stop. I think it would help me.

My husband is very loving and amazing but in the affection department our love language is totally different. I need alot more physical attention than he does. About a year ago we noticed his erections weren't as strong and I believe that was the first time he had ever experienced that before and I feel it got in his mind he was having ED. I didn't realize this effect on him. Another side effect of that was that once the sex began to dwindle I began to feel less and less loved and touched simply because sex was the major way in which I got affection from him in the first place. I am so in love with him even after 10 years of marriage and I know he is with me but it took me a while to realize that it takes both of us to work on it. He feels bad that his erections were not as good as before and he began to do some research online about supplements. He isn't into going to the doc but at my request he did go to make sure everything was OK with him. The Doc gave him a clean bill of health but I don't think doctors know it all and probably would rather throw viagra at him. I just don't want to risk any side effects. <br />
He began taking supplements a few months ago and coupled with more physical activity and a healthier diet things are slowing "coming back". I truly believe there is a mind/body connection and that his libido can be effected more easily now that he is older. I don't think it is always hormone related but emotional alot of the time. He did buy me a toy ( I have never had one before) and he got something too to help maintain his erection and I can tell you that it does help..especially with the confidence issue. It takes alot of love and patience but I would do anything to make love to him like we use to. There were a few months there for a while that I sort of gave up and I missed him so much it was like something died inside of me and I could see it in him too. He was always so sexual and confident. It isn't the same and I don't know if it ever will be but in place of the crazy sex is something new between us..an understanding and acceptance of one another. I would have never thought this would happen to us but it did and i know there are things couples can do to help..hope is not lost. I have to mention that he is 17 years older than me and I am 36. I don't know if anyone else is married to an older man with similar issues but I would love to hear from you...this is not easy to talk about with other family or friends since I try to keep it private between us. I came here because I simply need to tell someone..I don't want to be alone with all this. Anyhow, thought I would share.

I am new to this group I would like to give my opinion.<br />
I am a 67 years old man, have been married for 42 years to the same lady who I adore with all my heart. I have suffered from erectile dysfunction for about 6 or 7 years and it is the most devastating thing that could ever happen to a man.<br />
You loose the self esteem and confidence you once had and you get frustrated to an unimaginable degree when you want to be intimate and have sex with the woman you love, and your equipment fails.<br />
In my case, and I assume that is the same in most cases, you have not lost your libido but, as you know that it will happen again, your subconscious mind do not allow you to express your sexual desire trying to protect you from being hurt with another failure.<br />
At that point you are no longer you. you don't know what to say to your wife, even if you know that she is also frustrated and hurting, and you love her.<br />
The worst part is that you don't understand what or why this is happening to you, but you expect that she will understand and that she will show you all her desire for an intimate moment with you without expecting you to perform in any way, something that is very unrealistic.<br />
I can, as many men according to what I heard, to get aroused with sexual thoughts or material when you are alone and there is no possibility of failing to anybody. So many times I can achieve a good erection and ********** to ****** without too much problem, thing that instead of helping you, leaves you feeling terrible and more confused.<br />
The idea of going to the Dr. to acknowledge to someone else (known or unknown) that you are one of those that can not satisfy his wife sexually, is something that no woman would never understand how devastating it is.<br />
My experience with the oral drugs available has not being good since they either don't work as well as they are purported to do, or the side effects like stuffiness or headaches outgrow the benefit.<br />
I fully understand that if because of some miracle I gathered the courage to talk openly and clearly to my wife, admitting my solo efforts to alleviate my depression, as well as all my dark thought, all would possibly return to some degree of normality and regain some of the intimacy that existed before.<br />
As a final note, the only drug that has worked for me, even though is not without several negative characteristics is injected "Trimix" (a compound type prescription applied directly to the penis)<br />
I really understand you lady, as I understand my wife and I understand your husband at least as much as I understand myself

thank you for sharing the man's point of view as this help me understand what my boyfriend is going through. I am so sad and having hard time dealing with him not being sexually aggressive anymore and it is making me feel unattractive and unwanted, even though he tells me that he is very attracted to me and wants me, but feels like a failure. He is going to see a doctor in a month and I hope that he is able to find a treatment that works, but from what I've been reading on here, it does not sound like the medication works all the time. It also helps me to know that other women are having the same feelings I am and this should help me process my feelings. I hope that he is able to find successful treatment because even though I know it's not his fault, I still feel unwanted and miss feeling needed by him and long for passion.

Dear wantusback,

Sorry you are going through this very difficult life experience. Of all the posts I've read here, your situation has a promising outcome. It sounds like you truly love each other. I admire your commitment.

First, know you are not alone. Please, whatever you do, don't cheat. It is hurtful to everyone involved. Have your husband ask his doctor for a referral to an endocrinologist. Have him check his thyroid levels, testosterone, blood sugar at a minimum. Ask the endo MD to evaluate him for hashimotos disease. Also, read through the ED posts on celiac.com. Maybe you can do it together. Show him you are supportive. There's plenty you can do to have fun together. Just use your imaginations. Ian Kerner has written several books and articles on the topic.

Let him know how much you love and and encourage him that you will get through it.

I'm too young to have this myself. I've poured a lot of energy into figuring it out for myself. Beware, there are a lot of bad MDs out there. Find one that takes the time to really listen to him. If he agrees and you want to, go to the doc with him. Do some homework and bring a notebook with questions for tje doc Be honest with your mate and with his MDs.

Good luck to both of you :)

A couple more things... If testosterone levels are "normal", it's a wide range, challenge them by asking "is that normal for his age?". I did not see his age in your post. I am guessing he is "too young for this" like me. I had to fight with HMO to get anywhere. If he does need testosterone supplent, go straight for injections. Patches are ineffective and gels are messy. Also, you can get exposed to testo with patches and gels (not good for you unless you want a beard:) ) How is he otherwise? Does he seem to be ho Is he sleeping ok? Search for hyper thyroid and hypothyroid symptoms and go through them. See if you notice any symptoms in him. Have him do a self evaluation too.

Reduce
Encourage him to reduce stress as much as possible.

Unfortunately sexual dysfunction is way more complex than most people who don't suffer from it can comprehend or are willing to educate themselves about. The mechanics and chemestry of how women and men become aroused and maintain arousal is extremely different.

I have had very similar problems throughout my 13 year marriage. Not sure why, I guess just reflecting on all our blessings, I told him one day how fortunate I feel for all the good things in our life. Our family, home, health, love. All of the sudden his e d is gone. He has even said that hearing this changed things for him. Apparently, I was so depressed thinking about my lack of love life, I never bothered to acknoledge all the good stuff and he needed to feel appreciated and loved in order to .... We may not be all that different after all.

i really feel sorry for youi`m 16 & i know that i`d never EVER get myself into a sexless marriage. it`d just be too boring. thered be no passion.<br />
it sounds like your husbands too shy and is baad with intamacy. i`m guessin that b4 u he didnt really have many girlfriends thus much `experience`.<br />
if i was u i`d have sn affair. sorry. but its tru.

Most of the time when there is sexual dysfunction the cause is organic. Just because an MD cannot figure it out does not mean that it is psychological. I am married to one of the 46% of women in the US is is sexually dysfunctional. She used to be extremely libidinous, cheerful, stable, and energetic. Now she is frigid and rigid. She has a hormone imbalance but refuses to even get tested. Not only is she non sexual but she has become a unpleasant and mean but that is not the worst of it. Her refusal to correct her hormone imbalance means that she will get osteoporosis someday if she does not die of uterine, cervical or breast cancer from being out of balance.<br />
<br />
I have reached the end of my rope with her. For the past 6 years it feels like I have been doing time. My once pleasant, sexually functional, fun, attractive wife has turned into a fat cold lump of nasty. It started gradually. She developed PMS. I began to chart her craziness by her periods. The window of sanity became smaller and smaller until the only time she was bearable was was when she was having her period. The rest of the time it was like being married to a time bomb. Now she is going through menepause and I am going through hell. Even though I am hornier than the average guy I could deal with the lack of sex. It is the unpleasantness and the walking on eggshells. I suppose if I were a different sort of man I would smack her but that is not my style and it would not do any good.<br />
<br />
I am thinking that before I get any older of getting out. I would rather be alone than being sad more often than happy. This marriage is really dragging me down. I keep hoping that she will mellow out and return to something that resembles the person I fell in love with. That may just be wishful thinking on my part. <br />
<br />
I am still a decent looking man. I am lean and fit. Younger women still flirt with me and I am beginning to notice these 20 and 30 somethings in ways I would never have considered. I barely looked at other women. Now I am. I never thought that would be the case. Maybe I am just thinking about happier times and these women remind me of those times. Maybe I should flirt back if I still remember how.

Hey- other people like me?!? I have the same issue with my husband. We've been married for 9 years, and we used to bang it out every day- but, about 5 years ago, he started getting this "problem". Over the last few years, we've had a battery of tests run, and ultimately, the docs came back and said its a 'psychological' issue. Excuse me?!? When I try to coax anything out of my hubby, he just says he doesn't know what the problem is, and gets frustrated. It has become the proverbial 'white elephant' in the room that everyone tries to ignore. I'm too young for this! I'm only 31! He has actually said things to me before like, "at this point I wouldn't blame you if you went elsewhere for certain things..." and that after being married for so long he "could forgive anything" I did. And lately, I've been seriously thinking of going outside my marriage strictly for sex. Then I feel guilt ridden and selfish. AHHH!! I guess there isn't a perfect answer for all this. But why do you all seem to suspect that your men are gay? That never really occurred to me- I would hope my gay-dar wasn't that rusty. Hmmm....

I'm new to this board but many of your posts are VERY similar, except i really love my husband. I think constantly about what it would be like if his penis worked the right way! We have been together for 10 years, married for 8 and the sex was GREAT until about 5 years ago. <br />
<br />
We presented it wasn't a big deal for a while. Then it got worse and he agreed to see the doctor. We even went in together. He had a lot of blood work done and it turns out his Testosterone is really low--his issue is NOT emotional, it's physiological. I saw the numbers and it's really low for a 38 yr old male. <br />
<br />
What am I to do? I feel like i'm going insane. I want him but how do i keep pretending that i'm satisfied? How do i blame him? He wouldn't blame me if my ovaries shut down at age 35 and i suddently went into menopause, which happens. <br />
<br />
I'm so sad and I have two small kids and I really want to have a good marriage. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. <br />
<br />
He even went to a specialist, a urologist, who said he can take Cialis and testosterone. The Cialis helps but the testosterone didn't help, though i don't think he was religious about taking it. <br />
<br />
Help!!

dear keen omg it sounds exactly like my life!! are we married to the same man? i feel exactly like u. ive wondered if he was gay to i need that connection and he just doesnt want to talk about it doesnt want to go to counseling or get any help i really love him but do not know what to do it helps to talk to someone like u i thought i was the only one with this problem and this makes me suspicious of him too. i wonder if he is screwing around but i dont see how he looks at **** constantly if u find anything that will get thru to him let me know keep smilin girl and know your not alone god bless

Funny that I am going through the same thing except my wife is the one that won't be intimate......I need to bail before I get to damn old...thanks everyone for the writings....

Wow! I really thought I was the only one going through this. I knew that there was an issue when we got married. We have been friends for years before we started dating. I know he had been with other women. In the begining everything was fine. Slowly it started to change. We've been married about 2 months now. I feel cheated when people ask me how the honeymooning is going. I thought all of the things that the other posters thought. It hurts so bad to not have him want me. He finally opened up and told me he was having a problem. We are going to the doctor tomorrow. I guess the worst isn't just the sex, it's the lack of intimacy. The pecks on the forehead like I'm just a friend are the worst. This problem really is a blow to my ego. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm crying all the time. I keep thinking it has to be me. He said he never had this problem when he was married before.

Wow! I really thought I was the only one going through this. I knew that there was an issue when we got married. We have been friends for years before we started dating. I know he had been with other women. In the begining everything was fine. Slowly it started to change. We've been married about 2 months now. I feel cheated when people ask me how the honeymooning is going. I thought all of the things that the other posters thought. It hurts so bad to not have him want me. He finally opened up and told me he was having a problem. We are going to the doctor tomorrow. I guess the worst isn't just the sex, it's the lack of intimacy. The pecks on the forehead like I'm just a friend are the worst. This problem really is a blow to my ego. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm crying all the time. I keep thinking it has to be me. He said he never had this problem when he was married before.

i see no mention of kids. the clean freak comment is a tip-off. he may consider sex to be dirty or unclean. public record might give you a clue to his exes. if you are self-supporting then consider seperating and going to counciling for yourself. he probably won't change. good luck

I honestly believe there are some major sexual orientation issues here....

Keen:<br />
<br />
It sounds like I've written this story! I know how you feel. I've even asked him if he's gay! He says no! My 2 friends and boyfriend think he has to be. I wish if he were he would just tell me. It would really make me feel a whole lot better. I 'm hear to tell you the affair works for awhile but it just complicates things. I know! You start out with a physical need and end up getting your emotional needs met too. Atleast thats the way it happen to me. I can say that it has helped me see that I'm not all the things he has told me I was. Its helped me to see that I am wanted and needed but it hurts that it never came from my husband. Just don't wait 10 years trust me its not worth the emotional abuse.

I thank you all for sharing. When he did go to the doctor. He had it all checked out and was told everything was ok. His manlyhood was fine. I feel like i am living with my brother. I sleep on the couch because i am frustrated. He doesnt even try intamacy when i am in the bed. A goodnite quick kiss is all i ever get. I love sex and don't get any. I have always been high in the labido area. I am afraid to venture out to have an affair but i am to a point were it is really looking good to were i may soon go that route. He is overall a great guy except were loving is.. I have asked him about emotionally were he is at. But he claims there is nothing and yes he was married 2 times before me. And claims to have had a good sex life. He just claims it is just broken his manhood that is. I wish i could talk to his x's to find out there side of the story..but lo and behold he will not tell me any information about them.. I am thinking that maybe he just plainly does not like sex..he wont even let the dog give him a kiss...thinks its disgusting..he's kind of a clean freak. I just don't know what to do..go on living like this or what...This is my first marriage and i am no spring chicken. I had my children out of marriage. was engaged to father but found out was emotional abuser i should say woke up before to late. I met husband great guy in my late 40's married him hoping things would change in preforming area..things did not..just basically no sex whatso ever. honeymoon was a disaster. We had tried one other time bout year ago. Was good for first second and then wammo ellimpo--frustration. Nothing since not even an attempt to do anything again.. And he just seams to say he's gonna get some help but never does. I asked him to go back to dr and get cealice.. try that one...nope its been a year since he said he would go..I just don't bring it up anymore...i am just emotionally depressed unhappy frustrated and just rambling on bout whatever....thanks for listening

"He is overall a great guy except were loving is"


...........................this is the definition of a FRIEND.

Also, he may SAY the sex was good in his previous 2 marriages, but I have a very strong suspicion that this is not true.
IF, and I do mean IF, that was true then you have every single reason to be insulted, hurt and mad.
Regardless, he should care enough about you to go to the doctor. So what if it's embarrassing (doctors see that stuff and worse all the time, they don't care), but what he SHOULD find embarrassing is having a limp **** that can't satisfy his wife that he COULD do something about. THAT is embarrassing.
You should ask him if he is happy having a limp, useless **** since he has no desire to do anything with it.
(yes, that is mean, I know)
But tell him that while you love him, this marriage is leaving you unfulfilled and making you unhappy and that his lack of concern about pleasing you is starting to make you resent him.
Tell him that he either gets help now, if not for himself, then for you, or you are going to need to think about the future of this marriage and things are going to change.

My husband also has ED and it is very very very frustrating! Yes I knew the sex wasn't "great" before we got married but for some stupid reason I hoped it would improve or I guess at that point I felt like "some" was better than "none" and I wanted the security and home and children. To my husband's credit he went to the doc more than once, tried every pill available and testosterone patches, nothing worked. So is it some emotional dysfunction??? At first I said "I can't live in a marriage w/o sex" He said he'd "try harder". At one point I asked if he was getting it somewhere else; he said No! I'd never do that. After 11 years I decided I wouldn't live the rest of my life w/o sex and had affair/s. I am very glad I did it when I did because then I had cancer. If I could go back, I wouldn't have married him and wouldn't have locked myself in by having children. I would love to have a soulmate and he isn't it. That's my sad story.

CrystalRose: I'm sorry to hear about your cancer. But your statement that you were glad with your decision and the timing of cancer confused me...
Were you glad that you were finally able to live without regret before / when cancer hit you ? Have you considered if the emotions you went thru in the relationship could have caused cancer ?