My Husband Has Erectile Disfunction Tis Not Easy to Live With

I live in a sexless marriage..have been married 2 years. dated for 2 years before marriage. .I knew my husband had problems before we got married.  He promised to get help.. Got viagra ... he used it once.....was still not good.  Didnt really help him.  He is not very romantic.. I asked him to try something else..He just does not want to go to the doctor again cuz he is embarrassed.  I can't go on like this i am thinking of having an affair.  I do love my husband but i cant stand not having any affection nor romance.. His romance is a quick peck and maybe holding of the hands.  No intamacy whatso ever. I am very unhappy in that department.  I have talked to him but get no results. He watches beautiful women on tv when i am not around-caught him few times=talks about other beautiful women--which doesnt make me feel very attractive or appealing--but he also calls me the most beautiful woman in his life.  It makes me feel ugly and fat when he watches and talks bout other women and doesnt seam to want to get help for himself or us as a matter of fact that he cannot preform..  Sometimes i wonder if he is gay...i have even come right out and asked him..which he denies..I just cant understand why he will not go and get help...what does one does one cope with someone who had difficulty preforming or even not even trying to get help so we can have a sex life.....i just  dont understand...........
keen keen 51-55, F 70 Responses Oct 16, 2007

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I actually treat ED professionally, and consider it to be a relationship problem. There is a fixation on the penis and what it is, or isn't doing rather than looking at the bigger picture of why. In a relationship you need to consider all of the other factors which may be damaging to his response, including his own "Arousal Habits" your needs and the way the two of you approach it. It's complicated and not about how attractive you are at all.

My husband and I had a beautiful sex filled marriage right up until he had a massive stroke. Thankfully, it didn’t kill him, but he can’t get an erection any longer. With a lot of determination, he has managed to recover to the point where most people are unaware that he ever had a massive stroke. Sadly, he is still sexually inept. He has done everything possible to try to get back to his former highly sexual partner status, but to no avail.

My loving husband was very much aware of my sexual frustration in spite of all my sex toys and told me to take a lover. After much soul searching, I have. The contentment it has brought to our marriage is beautiful, and I love my husband intensely for his devoted consideration of my needs.

Having a lover has had a positive effect on my husband, he is no longer upset about his inability in the bedroom, and in fact, it has made him more loving and tender towards me, it is truly wonderful. We are both in our mid seventies.

If he's too embarrassed to seek help for his ED then he isn't that interested in sex or in you. Otherwise, his desire for sex and his desire to make you happy would cause him to overcome his embarrassment about seeking additional medical help for ED.

I wonder if he has considered what his life would be like without you, and how embarrassing it would be for him to have to tell prospective romantic companions about his ED.

Well the opposite is my experience. I am a 71 year old male and would like sex two or three times a week. I don't know what happened but after cutting out some medication for blood pressure my libido returned with a vengeance and since 2006 I have had an almost continual erection to the point of it being a nuisance. My friend loved it of course but her libido is low which leaves me frustrated for most of the time. I must find a lover or I will burst ! It has recently subsided slightly but I am still plagued with erotic dreams and extended periods of sustained erections.
Of course, it might have nothing to do with the medication as I now have a hydro-cell which needs a small operation . We all have our problems !

I lost the ability of erections for a long time. We have gone to several adult toys and looked at strap on ****** for me to use. It was the best choice that we bought along with several other items that we have seen their. :-)

OK, is he Ok with you looking elsewhere, ask him. Otherwise, understand his entire identity as a man is kinda squashed, I have the same issue...I get angry when my wife wants sex too. I would love to be able to do it but nature screwed me over....I am not sure how skilled you are with your hands but relax him and try otherwise if you want sex like at age 28..forget it, not happening if the man has ED. Kissing and cuudling can be frustrating if you try to start him up too...go for a walk with him in the morning and after dinner (if he is willing) the exercise might be enough to get him ready if you are ready at 5AM

I have ED too. I have tried all the drugs but nothing works. Blood does not flow to my penis to make it hard, but I have not lost my urge for sex. I have a tongue that works very well and magic fingers also do an amazing job. Even though I can't get an erection I love to have my **** played with and sucked. I still have the feelings and the libido and spend a lot of time being naked. I am now 71 years young and enjoy life. I don't let being disabled get in the way of my live.

Yeah go to plenty of fish ok. Mine has the same problem.he refuses help.he drinks alot of booze too.I am going to buy a nice should also

If you CAUGHT him looking at wimmins, he's bi at the most. (If you're gay, you don't sneak peeks at girlies. Unless he KNEW you were about to "catch" him.)

Is he overweight? Possibly diabetes, Atherosclerosis or both.
I got news for him, if THOSE blood vessels are clogging up, the ones in his ticker are in danger too. If he wants to live, he'll get a blood workup for cholesterol.

No matter the results, you may want to encourage him to cut out juice, soda, bread, and all flour based products: pasta, pretzels, cake, cookies. Etc.
That helps the diabetes AND atherosclerosis.

If he's a heavy fella, this is an even stronger possibility.

Finally, if he'd like to help you out... after the sugar-fast for a week, he should lay off "playing solitaire" for three days, and you be ready with a little nitroglycerine ointment on your nightstand.

Apply it while you use your favorite method of TLC to the target.
If he's STILL got ED, it ain't YOU, m'dear. The poor man has serious medical issues.

This sounds similar. I'm 52 been married for 10 and haven't had sex in almost 4 years. My husband gets mad when I bring it up. Thus effects me almost everyday and he just doesn't understand while I'm "acting" the eat I do. He thinks it's normal and I'm at my wits end.

So for typos sometimes phone fixes comments. Was supposed to say acting the way I do.

The anger that can come from this, can be extreme.
He needs to act on the issue, if he chooses to ignore it , it won't go away.
His marriage , however , probably will.
Have to told him this ?

Im a 35 year old male with ED"if you can believe that" wife and I have been happily,married with 4 children for 14 years....i first noticed I had a problem in the last few years.......i guess what im getting at....has anyone ever heard of a man in his mid 30's with this issue?......its really screwing with me mentally:(.....any advice would be appreciated

I have noticed a few cases of this in posts. It is a common problem. The first signs of trouble are usually noticed before 40.Poor lifestyle habits is always the first place to look for causes. The peni* is the canary in the mine signals other problems.After this it could be age, mental health ( stress ect ) or a physical cause. Not all cases can be corrected , but most can be managed.
Keeping a healthy attitude is the most important part in being able the deal with this. I wish you and your wife all the best.

Thanks so much for the advice...for the most part..everything is ok,but I do have high blood pressure and a very stressful job......i guess I will be looking into these things....thanks again:)

I have done a lot of homework on this subject and it is very widespread, but hardly talked about.
Most men choose to not discuss it and hope that it will just go away. It ends up being their partner that goes away, not the condition, when they do this.
As this is such an important issue , and very much associated with health and lifestyle ( before it becomes an age issue ) I am stunned that it has not been used in advertising to warn men that they can be risking their much loved pen** ,if they continue to make bad choices when it comes to smoking, drinking, eating etc.Poor lifestyle that leads to poor health and the need for medication, which can ruin the ability to enjoy their sex life.
If the threat of death isn't scaring them into making better choices, maybe this will.
I wish you well and hope that things improve for you.Making changes in your own choices can make a difference even now. There are always things that are in your control that you can change, and it's a good place to start.
Good luck.

Hi, my husband is your age. It started about 3 months ago although there has always been some inconsistency. He's not much of a talkerbut had confided in me recently. I would love to talk to here your side without the guilt of his feelings. And maybe my side will help you with your lover. This is awful and I'm breaking down daily...

? Who were you directing this to ?

Bullshit . Spam . Flagged.

3 More Responses

You use Ayurveda medicine for your husband.

I married my husband 6 years ago after knowing about his ED. It has been almost 10 years since I have actually had a satisfying sexual encounter. I thought my love, encouragement, understanding, and empathy would help him to seek help. I was wrong.

He begrudgingly went to the doctor, and came home with ED medication. We went to a sex therapist, of which he complained about until I finally gave in and stopped going. Three marriage counselors, none more than 2 times. He refuses to acknowledge or talk about the problem. The fact that he can get an erection on his own is a huge factor in my outright anger at his lack of willingness to address the issue. He refuses to even discuss that it is a mental issue.

His ED contributed to our going through 3 brutal rounds of IVF, and finally adopting. Our DD is almost 3 now, and I was able to make peace with my sex-less, affection-less marriage, until now. His unwillingness to broach the intimacy issues of our marriage is creeping into his role as a father. I can see now that his ED issue is just the very tip of the iceberg, and he is emotionally stunted and incapable of having any intimacy. He is a glorified babysitter to our girl, and it breaks my heart.

I never thought I would want a divorce, but I do not want my girl growing up seeing this "marriage" as her model on what a relationship should be. I am tired of being married to a man who has zero self-awareness and zero desire to change. I am lonely, frustrated, anger, resentful. He is dismissive of my thoughts and feelings, passive-aggressive, and lives strictly on the surface of life.

Unfortunately, we are broker than broke. I am a SAHM (and he lets me know at least twice a week how worthless I am for not earning a paycheck) with chronic insomnia, depression, and a recent surgery on my shoulder. I have been driving myself crazy in the last few months (hospitalized for panic attacks) trying to figure out why I am so anxious. This marriage is the answer. Now I am focused on how to get myself and my girl out.

No amount of love, cajoling, or threats will make someone change who does not want to. I am done trying. Being alone would be preferable. So if you are not married, and this is affecting you? Run far and fast. Never settle.

Wishing you and your daughter all the happiness in the world.
My story is different to yours, but I can relate to the panic attacks !!!!Never ever had them until my marriage was in trouble. Good luck to you.

I am married to a man for 15 years. I knew there was a problem about 3 years ago. He only admitted the problem about 3 months ago. I understand the feelings of being lonely. I understand not feeling sexy anymore. Our sex life was OUTSTANDING! It was an amazing time. While I want him more and more... maybe its about undertanding it is what it is.... and sometimes we dont get everything forever. I appreciate what we had. I love him and I know this is hard for him. We will work it out, and yes it will not be the same. This is a tool of the devil to break up relationships and justify cheating. Be patient with your husbands. love him. be the wife you promised you would be, in sickness and in health.

My story is similar. Husband and I married just 10 months ago. He's 35 and I'm 32. Marriage not even consummated. He has low T (350) caused due to prolactinoma (microedenoma) - a kind of benign pituatary tumor. He's on treatment now but no great change in the situation.<br />
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He's a nice guy but I'm terrified of the future. Is this the way life is going to be for ever ? The first few months of our marriage have centered around doctor's appointments, test results, waiting and anxiety. Sure my heart goes out to him. He did not deserve this. However I am unable to fully believe him when he says he did not notice symptoms earlier. He admits he did not get morning wood every day (he says he did not know he was supposed to get it daily !). He shaves only once every 3-5 days. Arm hair is non-existent although leg hair is dense. Did he not notice all these changes ? He says he was able to ********** before marriage. But says that he assumed the hardness was sufficient. It's actually not firm for penetration (sorry if it's too graphic here). Did he not notice the reduction in fluid / ***** ? It's all too confusing and as a newly wed in an arranged marriage, I'm between anger, anxiety, sadness and worry.<br />
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AND it's not just the sex. The low T explains his loss of ambition, pessimism, negative views,'s a personality change. In our culture, this kind of problem is very very rare. Although it seems it's catching up quickly, regardless of culture or nationality. <br />
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Out of kindness and consideration to myself, and given it's an arranged marriage, I'm half-considering leaving him because I just don't want to be the mother of 2 kids and endure such a problematic sexual life, conflicting emotions, the sadness, the loneliness along with the stress of constant medical attention and doc appointments. With my parents dead and no siblings, I really lack a strong family emotional support system to deal with such problems. It's a cruel joke in a way - I avoided pre-marital sex my whole life and looked forward to a healthy, happy, fulfilled married life (I had my chances,it's not just a cultural thing). But all said and done, the thing that's holding me back is the guilt, fear and uncertainity of divorce and life after it. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess.<br />
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I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for myself. I'm already 33, and with so few re-productive time ahead, I'm not sure what to do. The clock is ticking and it appears there are no easy answers.

I read the very selfish stories its all about me me me my sex not his life of pain and torture. Get a life women their are other ways to please yourself and him with out a hard on, did u marry him for his **** or for him as a whole. Wake up your pathetic.

I married my husband because his is a whole person . I did not marry his ****! Of course there are many ways to please yourself and your husband without the need of an erection..But that doesnt change the fact that both are not happy with fact that intercourse is no longer such an easy thing to do, like it use to be .We are all grieving the loss of something that is important to use . It sounds like it isnt so important to you ! Lucky you ..."Get a life "is not going to help anyone going through this situation . What life should we get ?? Do you mean get someone else ? Or do you mean make the best of what we have .....thats exactly what we are all trying to do ! Pathetic is suffering in silence and pretending nothings wrong...Either you are bitter about this subject because you too are in a similar situation, or you are not and have no idea what it feels like ....which one are you??Everyone will deal with this their own way , and those who love their man will understand how devastating it is for him , but we still suffer together.

Thank you for such a calm reply that was educated, classy, and peaceful. Your reply brought tears to my eyes because IM thinking "FINALLY! Someone gets what Im feeling. And she isn't cursing anyone out just to prove a point!" I REALLY couldn't have said it better myself (trust me i know what i was about to post before I read your reply). Thank you!

Thank you !
It's a cruel situation to be in , absolutely devastating ! But you have to work at it together .

You sound like an awesome person. I am sorry i made a bad remark to whoever wrote that ,but it made me so angry !!

Wow you sound pretty pathetic . If you have gone through this i can understand ,but if you haven't walked in her shoes you need to shut the f... up !!!!!!!

2 More Responses

I have never strayed from my marriage , it would never give me what i need the most , intimacy with my husband ! Its not as simple as sex .I feel for anyone in a relationship that is feeling so alone that they need to look elsewhere to fill the void that exists at home . My situation has only developed in recent years ,but the pain it causes is debilitating. I have much to say on this subject and hope that what I have to share will be of interest to some of you out there going through this also .I will write soon to paint a bigger picture ..

i'd be interested in what you did - did you find sex outside your marriage? I've lived in sexless marriage for 20 years and finally went outside the marraige to get my needs met. i have never regreted my decision and it has been very satisfying for me. yes i'm still married and love my sexless wife.

I am crying while I read all of these painful stories .I too, am the wife of a man who at 43 and has Ed.We have been together for 26 years ,and love each other very much .I know that he is devastated about his condition , I am too. Nothing compares, however, to the fact that he avoids any intimacy with me, due to his fears of performance anxiety . I understand his wanting to avoid disappointment for both of us . The thing is , I still exist , I still want his touch more than anything , but it never comes . Ed is not enough of a reason to end all intimacy .If my husband had an accident that cut him in half below the waist , I would still expect intimacy from him . Men are more than just their penis ! I worry that only women seem to know this !!

I am in your shoes...not only does this occure but I am also going through the anger stage sometimes it is almost to much to bare...not my anger but his ...they atack the ones that love them the most

You are in my shoes! The anger and blame can be extreme at times. Have had some of the most hurtful comments during the worst times.You dont bring it up because you dont want to upset them , then when nothing changes you feel compelled to say something and no matter which way you approach the subject, you are the one responsible for all that has ever been wrong in the relationship ? Sometimes the words that come out of my husband, when i try to discuss things, are so strange that i think he has turned into someone else.At times i have been screamed at and told to "Get over it !!" ????I know that he is coming from a dark place when this happens , but it's so painful to have to endure .There are times when things seem to be going well , then soon after we find ourselves back where we started. I too have been told that when i was experiencing a low sex drive ( during having kids , stress with other family , work stress, parents suffering cancer ) that i should " Get yourself fixed "? I even spoke to my doctor and was told , its normal for women to go through this , there is not much you can do . I went along with the "try it you might like it " approach , which usually worked , even if he did all the initiating. Now the tables have turned and i end up having that thrown at me everytime we end up arguing about our current situation.That and anything else i have ever done to upset him in all the years we have been together.. Whether its low sex drive , ED , or low testosterone , i think it make's many men highly defensive , so they go on the attack......Despite this , i still come back for more ..My husband is the only man i want in my life , so i take the good with the bad. Its amazing how man examples of things i have done wrong (to him ) that he can come up with sometimes. In 26 years there is bound to be a few things that annoyed or upset him . Funny thing is , i only remember the angry fights and his hurtful words that he has dished out to me during the many discussions we have had . This is a subject that most men wish would just go away ....never to be discussed on any level ever again .....Problem is we keep reminding them that it needs to be discussed and worked through. We can't win , "Damned if we do , damned if we dont "! Wish you lots of luck , love to hear how your doing .

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We want to have a baby, to complete or family, but it is literally impossible due to ED. We are mutually devastated and I feel like I am wasting my life. I love him and have been there for him through some of the toughest times in his life, but I hate my life. I feel unloved, unwanted, unsatisfied, unattractive and completely useless without purpose (other than being a maid). So what else?

ED is not really the problem here, even if his equipment doesn't work, he still can cuddle and hug you, and even help you to climax in other ways. I've had ED for 17 years, and while not much helps, my 2 wives are more than satisfied with their love life. Many men have the wrong idea that their maleness is related to wither their penis gets erect, when in reality it's how they treat their loved ones.<br />
My suggestion is to take him to your Dr. for a complete checkup, various drugs and medical conditions can lower sexual desire. Counseling can also help.

hi! i've been married for year, and we were dating for the past 10years, our sex life was simply perfect up until the past couple of months, in which we would be having sex and he would simply go off ! and if i asked whats wrong he'd say that he's just tired ! there were a lot of times in which i thought i wasnt appealing any more but im only 24, and i weight 54KG, so i dont think my appearance is the problem. There were even times i thought he turned gay! and sometimes he'd be done WAY sooner than he usually would! i really think its affecting my marriage and i have no idea what to do as sex is not a very discussed topic in my country!<br />

I have been married for 3 years now and I live a sexless marraige from the beginning... we used to try to have sex and it would turn out to be an mechanical exersice instead of pleasure.. but the strange part is he has always been cudly, loving and caring even now....first I used to feel its something to do with me but then as years went by he has no interest in sex part at all... what do I do?

Me and my husband where good friends before we started a relation and he had been single for 10 years and had girlfriends with benefits without the attachments. <br />
Last year we got married after a 5 year relation from day 1 he told me that he had problems making love because he had problems with his prostate. I told him to go and see a doctor which he did. So the sex wasnt bad but it was more foreplay then real sex but I accepted it because I love him. After our marriage it seems like he isnt interessted in me anymore. I go to bed wait for him but he stays up as long as he can then comes to bed in the dark. I have tried to figure out what is going on untill a few weeks ago I got so angry that I said things to him and he replied with start lossing some weight if you want sex. I am 44 years old 1.68cm and 68 kilo's not bad in my eyes but the only problem is that i have some baby fat around my belly. When he said that I thought my world collapsed. He wants me to be sexier in the bedroom well I dont know how because everytime I try he is a sleep already. Doesnt do good for your self esteem. After that huge fight he comes to bed and try to hold me but I dont want that when he touch me his words go through my head. So last week I joined a gym not for him but for myself. I want my self esteem up. I just dont know wat to do. I love him so much but things keep going through my head. Was everything what he told me a lie or is it me. Is he still attractive to me those questions goes through my head daily now and like blueeyebamagaal said I feel more like a maid then his wife atm.

I have been married for three years now and my husband has never made love to me. He has been married before and has made love to many, many women. When there is a little snuggling taking place, on my end, and I start with his ear, I am immediately stop. Since I have been married my self confidence and self esteem as a female is no more. I feel like a maid because when my husband comes home from work he is limp in that he can not do anything and I have to stop my daily routine and wait on him from that point on, literally. I feel like a maid and a caretaker. I need some counseling and feedback please. I do love my husband.

hello i havent been on here for some time but my situation is still the same...I have not had an affair, but after 7 years of no sex not even cuddling we now have separate beds cuz his snoring is auful-he is now retired- its still the same ol peck on the lips and i love you as i go out the door to work..Its not even talked about. he has put on alot of weight and physically is not attractive- he is a great guy but i am to the point that i resent him so very much..ugg i cant even imaging having sex with him it litterly disgusts me..I am not going to divorce him but i am to the point i need some lovin...and some carressing someone to let me know that i am wanted..the toys have been a blessing because at least i could release some stressed up energy but its just not enough anymore-they have kept me from cheating-but i am to that point now--i gotta just do it...start looking..i am so unhappy inside feel so unloved hell he pays more attention to the dogs then he does me..they get al lthe petting i get nothing..i have mentioned doctor to him...but he never gets around to doing i guess he isnt going to do it...its been 7 years and he has done nothing for 6 of my mind is made up...sad cuz i do still care for him..but i dont really love him like i used to...but am not going to leave him

I'm not a big proponent of cheating, but I don't judge anyone either. I say do what you need to do to preserve your sanity.

I think what hurts the most is the emotional distance and the blame game. For the past three years I have been blamed (different excuses every time) thy I did this, I said that. I fully understand his frustration after three years of trying to figure what is wrong.<br />
He knew but I didn't. Forplay went out the Window for me and I couldn't figure out why. After reading these posts I now realize he needed to hurry the sex so he didn't lose his erections. It all started when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure. After starting the medication things went down hill from there. His emotional and physically distance has torn us apart. And I'm not talking about the sex. Hardly any kisses hugs caressing you name it. His unwillingness to talk about it is frustrating. He just gets really mad. I told him I am very understanding and if we could just talk about it and for him not to hold it in would help. Funny thing is is is accepting of my body changing and going thru menopause. I just laugh and told him I'm drying up down there. Where's the astrology glide. So any of you men out there reading this, just be open and honest with your wife. Don't shut her out. Hold her and caressed her. Make her feel wanted. Just because you can't perform doesn't mean you can't do sexual things for her. It is very lonly and frustrating way to be.

My husband is in the anger stage,, I am to blame for his condition because he didn't get enough sex in our marriage,, I married him and told him when we got married that sex is part of a relationship not the glue that holds it together,, well I haven't heard the end of that statement,, it is thrown into my face on a constant basis,, I am trying to understand what he is feeling,,, not being in his shoes,, but the brunt of all his fustrations are taken out on me verbally,, it is getting to the point where I don't know if I can take much more

Hi my name is Steve and I suffer from ED, please read my story. I first suffered from ED about 7 years ago, I was devastated, how was I going to live without the ability to get an erection that was part of everyday life?, how would I satisfy my wife?, I selfishly decided that sex was pointless and decided not to bother, as you can imagine my wife became frustrated and we eventually separated (what a waste).<br />
After finally realizing that I had made a huge mistake which had cost me the love of my life I decided to learn everything I could about ED and how to deal with it. I wanted to help other people and not let them make the mistake that I had, if you have a loving partner they will understand and help you deal with it. There are no miracle cures but there are things that you can do to make sure you both have a loving and successful sex life. The things that I have learnt and the experiences I have had proves that you can still have great sex and keep your partner satisfied, I am very happy to share these experiences with any of you, male, females or couples if you want to know what i discovered then drop me a line and I will be happy to oblige.<br />
Don't do what i did and ignore it, you are worth more than that, find a solution and get back some fun.<br />
Steve x

Wow my man doesn't have ed but it sounds a lot like your story though we're not yet married. I know he's not gay but I admit it was a passing thought. I really just think with men if you don't use it you loose it. Sex drive is something you build. I have asked him to take his fellow for a walk at least once a week and thought maybe it might help. We're in a long distance relationship right now but I may be moving there if he gets this job and becomes more financially stable. I think our problem is emotional. Week sex drive due to this awful economy. Stress and self confidence has definitely taken a hit. I'm not giving up on us though. I love him too much. We'll find a solution.

hi..have you ever asked him to consider 'oral" if he can't get erect?