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My Husband Has Erectile Disfunction Tis Not Easy to Live With

I live in a sexless marriage..have been married 2 years. dated for 2 years before marriage. .I knew my husband had problems before we got married.  He promised to get help.. Got viagra ... he used it once.....was still not good.  Didnt really help him.  He is not very romantic.. I asked him to try something else..He just does not want to go to the doctor again cuz he is embarrassed.  I can't go on like this i am thinking of having an affair.  I do love my husband but i cant stand not having any affection nor romance.. His romance is a quick peck and maybe holding of the hands.  No intamacy whatso ever. I am very unhappy in that department.  I have talked to him but get no results. He watches beautiful women on tv when i am not around-caught him few times=talks about other beautiful women--which doesnt make me feel very attractive or appealing--but he also calls me the most beautiful woman in his life.  It makes me feel ugly and fat when he watches and talks bout other women and doesnt seam to want to get help for himself or us as a matter of fact that he cannot preform..  Sometimes i wonder if he is gay...i have even come right out and asked him..which he denies..I just cant understand why he will not go and get help...what does one does one cope with someone who had difficulty preforming or even not even trying to get help so we can have a sex life.....i just  dont understand...........
keen keen 51-55, F 76 Responses Oct 16, 2007

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I've been with my man for several years. We live together. I do believe he's cheating now for 1st time in our relationship in spite of the fact 99% of the time he's always in our bed nights. The 1% when he isn't home is when he's doing a favor for a family member either on his side or mine. He's had ED the entire part of our relationship. He isn't the type of guy who likes kisses or any of the things most couples go for. Sex wise he's tried numerous things to create a sex life but to no avail. He's going now to a doctor for help not because he chose to but because in a routine test by primary doctor it was said it could be a medical reason that prevents him in having an erection. He avoided going for help all these years based on shame, loss of hope and believed after having tried so many options that there was no chance of anything happening. Although he's going for help after 8 1/2 years being together only once since he's gone for help did we have sex but things still are not good enough for him to where he can have a full erection on a regular basis. I love him and is why I have put up with it all these years. When we first connected maybe the most was 5 times we had sex and only because he was lucky to get a product to work at that specific time. It'd work once and before you knew it he'd need try another product Til none no longer worked. He's close to 62 of age now. I'm close to 58 and would like a sexual relationship with this man but because of his problem if I try getting up close to him he closes up. His pride and ego as a man has him feeling less than and incompetent just as I feel not being able to connect with him in a sexual fashion I'm not sure what to do.

Well tell him exactly this ALL stuff. Including that you are going to have an extramarital affair, and I hope this will make him to react. BTW, how you know he's not getting sex somewhere else?

I know what you are saying. My husband and I have bin together 8 years married 1 year I knew when I married him he had ed. But it didn't really hit me till we were married how much it effects me. I've never had sex with him. I want to so bad it drives me crazy. I love him so much but there is no passion or effection. Makes me feel really ugly. I tell him he only married me to be his live in maid. I know he loves me he tells me all the time but a lot is missing. I want children and he say he would love them. But will not go get any help. His fear is it won't help. I'm 36 I'm getting older and he just hesitates. I've made appointments he cancels or for gets to ask the doc for help. I feel like telling him if you love me you would get help.
When we talk about his ed he says no not this again. He says it doesn't effect him he has no drive to have sex. Witch makes me even feel worse. Some days I just want to cry. He moved me away from everything I new. Into his mother's home that he inherented. And would rather watch TV or sit out side talking to the neighbors then to cuddle or show me any effection. Is my feelings selfish? Or exaggerated

He doesn't love you enough .
And he doesn't love himself enough to be the man he could be .
Your time is running out , you need to tell him that and bring this to an end . One way or the other .
Best wishes to you .

Your relationship with your husband sounds exactly like my relationship with my partner of 5 and a half years. if i bring the subject up we either break up the next day or he will do things to hurt me until it starts a fight and causes us to separate for a period of time usually 2 weeks and it is always me that goes back I have decided this time I am going to stay away if he really loves me he will do something about it and come after me if he doesn't then I guess i am on my own. I love him deeply but I can not keep on this rollercoaster for ever as I have lost most of my confidence I feel unattractive and unlovable. Here's hoping he loves me enough :(

I wish you well.
Hard to love someone that doesn't love themselves enough to get help.

My husband stopped having sex with me 12 years ago, shortly after the birth of our last child. Before that he only seemed to be interested when it was about making babies. I once joked that once we had all the kids he wanted, he wouldn't want me anymore, and damned if that isn't what happened. He is very passive aggressive, and when I didn't want to have a third child because I felt like it would be too much, he withheld sex from me until I gave in. After she was born, our sex life dwindled to nothing. I was told I couldn't have anymore children without risking heart problems, so I asked my husband to have a vasectomy so we could have a normal sex life without worrying I might die from another pregnancy. He refused for many months, and we simply never had sex. Finally he did get the vasectomy, but developed an infection that caused scar tissue in this testicle. After that he was never interested in sex at all, and we went for years, about 8 or so, where he would just tell me he would get help but he never would. Never called the doc, wouldn't go to doc appt. Period. He told me to just accept him as he was, as though it was something that couldn't be corrected! After many years, he did go and get tested, and found his testosterone was below 200. They put him on patches, but he didn't wear them very often, and he said they fell off all the time. Then more months went by with no treatment. He went to gel, but he seldom put it on, saying he couldn't remember to do it. Of course, this treatment did little. After more time, he went to injections. I'm a nurse, so I did the shots each week. He would treat me terribly and yell and snap when it was time for the shot. I practically had to force him to have them, and the testosterone levels stayed low. I got tired of him treating me horribly and told him I wouldn't do the shots anymore, he could have a doctor do them. I was just forcing things that he didn't care about anymore, and I was starting not to care if he got better or not. He was diagnosed with diabetes, which is just another complication to his erection issues. These days he's on gel, and he uses it daily. However, his doctor mostly talks about his diabetes during his visits and seldom even mentions the testosterone issue. My husband doesn't make much of an issue about it, either, as if he's at the mercy of what the doctor wants to talk about. It's an afterthought for the doctor to order a testosterone level blood draw, and often my husband will put off getting the test done for months. I am so tired. I ask myself now if there is any point in wanting sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want to bother. Why force someone to have sex? While he is a funny person, he is always very selfish and procrastinates on anything he doesn't see as important, which is just about everything around the house or that someone else asks him to do. I'm just worn out, and feel ugly and sad. I'm 45, and feel 85. 17 years of this nonsense, with 12 of it celibate and arguing with my husband to care enough to get help or to take it seriously enough to have a normal relationship with his wife. Sigh....any thoughts?

Get individual therapy, Dare2Dream so you learn to value, respect and love yourself again. You need to heal from the horrible emotional abuse you've been receiving for years. You also need to learn again what is normal and expected in a loving relationship, something that you've forgotten because your husband has been treating you so terribly. When you get emotionally stronger, you'll know what steps to take to make your life better.

Leave that *******.

Your life and mine have some sames UGH...

Dare2Dreamer, what you said in a joke -- that he had sex with you only to have children--is what many men and women refused here experienced with their spouses. Your husband is not likely to ever give you a fulfilling sex life. He may be asexual, gay, not attracted to you because for sex, he prefers promiscuous women whom he'd never want to marry.... Whatever his reason, you can't change it. You can choose to change your life by outsourcing or divorcing. If you need help deciding what to do, individual therapy could be a way to clarify your thinking and get support.

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Ummm you asked him if he was just permanently killed his sex drive toward you and your sex life with him with that completely insensitive question. You said he looks at beautiful women on you really actually thought he might be GAY??? Let's be honest here, you asked him that "question" because you we're hurt toward him about this and you needed to make him feel hurt too. You should move on from this man now and do you both a favor, you have forever damaged his self esteem toward you with such a horrible statement, you will not get anymore progress with him.

I actually treat ED professionally, and consider it to be a relationship problem. There is a fixation on the penis and what it is, or isn't doing rather than looking at the bigger picture of why. In a relationship you need to consider all of the other factors which may be damaging to his response, including his own "Arousal Habits" your needs and the way the two of you approach it. It's complicated and not about how attractive you are at all.

I understand what you are saying here but as much as you know it isn't you that is the problem your head tells you different the hard part i find is how do you get an unwilling man to seek help i have managed to get him as far as the urologist twice who put him on 20mg cialis he took them and went to sleep the urologist explained that he needed stimulation both physical and visual being that it has been so long and told him he could get him there it was up to him how much he was prepared to put into it now if i say anything about him taking a pill it's I get a headache you try it see how you feel so i called his bluff and agreed to split it and we both take half a pill and he said if i do i will just be cranky all night and then an argument erupted so we never did get to take it and he has been pushing me away since HELP

Sounds like he prefers to stay 'broken ' because dealing with it seems all too hard.

I tend to think so too obviously his embarrassment has more of a hold on him than I do :(

It may take a big shock to get him to wake up and snap out of it .

That is what I am hoping if it doesn't then I guess we both will live lonely lives apart I can deal with it if he can't get an erection what I can't deal with is the not trying I need his affection a little bit of intimacy to me it certainly does not make him less of a man but his in-actions do

Exactly .

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My husband and I had a beautiful sex filled marriage right up until he had a massive stroke. Thankfully, it didn’t kill him, but he can’t get an erection any longer. With a lot of determination, he has managed to recover to the point where most people are unaware that he ever had a massive stroke. Sadly, he is still sexually inept. He has done everything possible to try to get back to his former highly sexual partner status, but to no avail.

My loving husband was very much aware of my sexual frustration in spite of all my sex toys and told me to take a lover. After much soul searching, I have. The contentment it has brought to our marriage is beautiful, and I love my husband intensely for his devoted consideration of my needs.

Having a lover has had a positive effect on my husband, he is no longer upset about his inability in the bedroom, and in fact, it has made him more loving and tender towards me, it is truly wonderful. We are both in our mid seventies.

Still u have the same problem nancy? if so pls contact me..

If he's too embarrassed to seek help for his ED then he isn't that interested in sex or in you. Otherwise, his desire for sex and his desire to make you happy would cause him to overcome his embarrassment about seeking additional medical help for ED.

I wonder if he has considered what his life would be like without you, and how embarrassing it would be for him to have to tell prospective romantic companions about his ED.

I wonder if we should go about treating women who are unable to get pregnant this way too??? Or when sexually abused women hide the incident from friends and family and refuse to go get help??? I am constantly shocked and appalled by the "me,me,me" self centered mentality of women in this day and age. Try putting your heart into the shoes of how others feel before you cast judgement. Wow

Native if someone married without telling their prospective mate about physical or emotional problems that made sex difficult or unwelcome to them or if they developed a sexual problem but refused to get it treated they deserve to be dumped just as would be the case for a man or woman who didnt disclose their known infertility before marriage.

I've had problems interfering with my sex life. I sought help. I didn't ignore those problems. Someone who ignores such problems doesn't care that much about sex or -- if they have a willing partner-- their partner's happiness .

Hi, According to specialists the stroke damaged the response of nerves in his lower spine. It is a miracle he can walk again. Slowly the nerves are coming back to life with lots of daily exercises and treatment. It certainly is not for a lack of interest or sexual stimulus. His stamina levels have increased to the point where he can now stand me working him to 3 ******* a day and get a semi erect penis. The doctors have tried many different drugs with little success. My husband is quite open about his medical problem and has done everything possible to help himself and is not embarrassed talking to or seeking help from anyone. In fact some of the best help has come from other stroke victims. Sadly Doctors don't know ever thing. My husband had to fight to get put on testosterone treatment which worked wonders with his return of strength.
As much as I enjoy the pleasure of my husbands tongue and fingers, nothing bets the satisfaction of a fat ****

Difficult as it must be for you to have an impotent husband, I hope it is a comfort that he cares enough about you and sex to have sought help.

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Well the opposite is my experience. I am a 71 year old male and would like sex two or three times a week. I don't know what happened but after cutting out some medication for blood pressure my libido returned with a vengeance and since 2006 I have had an almost continual erection to the point of it being a nuisance. My friend loved it of course but her libido is low which leaves me frustrated for most of the time. I must find a lover or I will burst ! It has recently subsided slightly but I am still plagued with erotic dreams and extended periods of sustained erections.
Of course, it might have nothing to do with the medication as I now have a hydro-cell which needs a small operation . We all have our problems !

I lost the ability of erections for a long time. We have gone to several adult toys and looked at strap on ****** for me to use. It was the best choice that we bought along with several other items that we have seen their. :-)

What? Are you posting this as a joke or are you the wife? Your name is Jullianna but your talking about putting on strap ons and losing your erections...

OK, is he Ok with you looking elsewhere, ask him. Otherwise, understand his entire identity as a man is kinda squashed, I have the same issue...I get angry when my wife wants sex too. I would love to be able to do it but nature screwed me over....I am not sure how skilled you are with your hands but relax him and try otherwise if you want sex like at age 28..forget it, not happening if the man has ED. Kissing and cuudling can be frustrating if you try to start him up too...go for a walk with him in the morning and after dinner (if he is willing) the exercise might be enough to get him ready if you are ready at 5AM

I have ED too. I have tried all the drugs but nothing works. Blood does not flow to my penis to make it hard, but I have not lost my urge for sex. I have a tongue that works very well and magic fingers also do an amazing job. Even though I can't get an erection I love to have my **** played with and sucked. I still have the feelings and the libido and spend a lot of time being naked. I am now 71 years young and enjoy life. I don't let being disabled get in the way of my live.

Yeah go to plenty of fish ok. Mine has the same problem.he refuses help.he drinks alot of booze too.I am going to buy a nice should also

Your sick

If you CAUGHT him looking at wimmins, he's bi at the most. (If you're gay, you don't sneak peeks at girlies. Unless he KNEW you were about to "catch" him.)

Is he overweight? Possibly diabetes, Atherosclerosis or both.
I got news for him, if THOSE blood vessels are clogging up, the ones in his ticker are in danger too. If he wants to live, he'll get a blood workup for cholesterol.

No matter the results, you may want to encourage him to cut out juice, soda, bread, and all flour based products: pasta, pretzels, cake, cookies. Etc.
That helps the diabetes AND atherosclerosis.

If he's a heavy fella, this is an even stronger possibility.

Finally, if he'd like to help you out... after the sugar-fast for a week, he should lay off "playing solitaire" for three days, and you be ready with a little nitroglycerine ointment on your nightstand.

Apply it while you use your favorite method of TLC to the target.
If he's STILL got ED, it ain't YOU, m'dear. The poor man has serious medical issues.

This sounds similar. I'm 52 been married for 10 and haven't had sex in almost 4 years. My husband gets mad when I bring it up. Thus effects me almost everyday and he just doesn't understand while I'm "acting" the eat I do. He thinks it's normal and I'm at my wits end.

So for typos sometimes phone fixes comments. Was supposed to say acting the way I do.

The anger that can come from this, can be extreme.
He needs to act on the issue, if he chooses to ignore it , it won't go away.
His marriage , however , probably will.
Have to told him this ?

Yes that's the best way to approach this issue...dear god I hope none of you "ladies" become sex therapists

If a man is angry about not being able to achieve an erection and it upsets him ( not how upset his partner is ) yet he refused to go and seek help he will stay that way . A man who would rather sulk about it than find a solution is burying his head in the sand .. That attitude will destroy a relationship .
The same goes for women who are upset about the changes in their body and libido after menopause but refuse to find something to regain what they have lost .
What is your problem ?

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Im a 35 year old male with ED"if you can believe that" wife and I have been happily,married with 4 children for 14 years....i first noticed I had a problem in the last few years.......i guess what im getting at....has anyone ever heard of a man in his mid 30's with this issue?......its really screwing with me mentally:(.....any advice would be appreciated

I have noticed a few cases of this in posts. It is a common problem. The first signs of trouble are usually noticed before 40.Poor lifestyle habits is always the first place to look for causes. The peni* is the canary in the mine signals other problems.After this it could be age, mental health ( stress ect ) or a physical cause. Not all cases can be corrected , but most can be managed.
Keeping a healthy attitude is the most important part in being able the deal with this. I wish you and your wife all the best.

Thanks so much for the advice...for the most part..everything is ok,but I do have high blood pressure and a very stressful job......i guess I will be looking into these things....thanks again:)

I have done a lot of homework on this subject and it is very widespread, but hardly talked about.
Most men choose to not discuss it and hope that it will just go away. It ends up being their partner that goes away, not the condition, when they do this.
As this is such an important issue , and very much associated with health and lifestyle ( before it becomes an age issue ) I am stunned that it has not been used in advertising to warn men that they can be risking their much loved pen** ,if they continue to make bad choices when it comes to smoking, drinking, eating etc.Poor lifestyle that leads to poor health and the need for medication, which can ruin the ability to enjoy their sex life.
If the threat of death isn't scaring them into making better choices, maybe this will.
I wish you well and hope that things improve for you.Making changes in your own choices can make a difference even now. There are always things that are in your control that you can change, and it's a good place to start.
Good luck.

Hi, my husband is your age. It started about 3 months ago although there has always been some inconsistency. He's not much of a talkerbut had confided in me recently. I would love to talk to here your side without the guilt of his feelings. And maybe my side will help you with your lover. This is awful and I'm breaking down daily...

? Who were you directing this to ?

Bullshit . Spam . Flagged.

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You use Ayurveda medicine for your husband.

I married my husband 6 years ago after knowing about his ED. It has been almost 10 years since I have actually had a satisfying sexual encounter. I thought my love, encouragement, understanding, and empathy would help him to seek help. I was wrong.

He begrudgingly went to the doctor, and came home with ED medication. We went to a sex therapist, of which he complained about until I finally gave in and stopped going. Three marriage counselors, none more than 2 times. He refuses to acknowledge or talk about the problem. The fact that he can get an erection on his own is a huge factor in my outright anger at his lack of willingness to address the issue. He refuses to even discuss that it is a mental issue.

His ED contributed to our going through 3 brutal rounds of IVF, and finally adopting. Our DD is almost 3 now, and I was able to make peace with my sex-less, affection-less marriage, until now. His unwillingness to broach the intimacy issues of our marriage is creeping into his role as a father. I can see now that his ED issue is just the very tip of the iceberg, and he is emotionally stunted and incapable of having any intimacy. He is a glorified babysitter to our girl, and it breaks my heart.

I never thought I would want a divorce, but I do not want my girl growing up seeing this "marriage" as her model on what a relationship should be. I am tired of being married to a man who has zero self-awareness and zero desire to change. I am lonely, frustrated, anger, resentful. He is dismissive of my thoughts and feelings, passive-aggressive, and lives strictly on the surface of life.

Unfortunately, we are broker than broke. I am a SAHM (and he lets me know at least twice a week how worthless I am for not earning a paycheck) with chronic insomnia, depression, and a recent surgery on my shoulder. I have been driving myself crazy in the last few months (hospitalized for panic attacks) trying to figure out why I am so anxious. This marriage is the answer. Now I am focused on how to get myself and my girl out.

No amount of love, cajoling, or threats will make someone change who does not want to. I am done trying. Being alone would be preferable. So if you are not married, and this is affecting you? Run far and fast. Never settle.

Wishing you and your daughter all the happiness in the world.
My story is different to yours, but I can relate to the panic attacks !!!!Never ever had them until my marriage was in trouble. Good luck to you.

We'll I will start off by saying that he has no right to belittle you about your paycheck, that is just wrong and if he wants to go there then I would say he needs to be a real man and make enough money so that you shouldn't have to work! I think though the issue of divorce needs to be acknowledged in that it's not "your daughters model of marriage" that is the real reason for your desire for's really about the way he treats you and how long you can tolerate that. There is an abuse called "emotional abuse" and he is definitely doing it to you. Call him out on his bs and tell him if he doesn't stop treating you like crap then you are packing your bags, taking your daughter and leaving. If he doesn't stop then follow through. You don't deserve that at all no matter what.

I am married to a man for 15 years. I knew there was a problem about 3 years ago. He only admitted the problem about 3 months ago. I understand the feelings of being lonely. I understand not feeling sexy anymore. Our sex life was OUTSTANDING! It was an amazing time. While I want him more and more... maybe its about undertanding it is what it is.... and sometimes we dont get everything forever. I appreciate what we had. I love him and I know this is hard for him. We will work it out, and yes it will not be the same. This is a tool of the devil to break up relationships and justify cheating. Be patient with your husbands. love him. be the wife you promised you would be, in sickness and in health.

This is the most unbelievably comforting thing I have ever heard from a woman. You are truly a catch and any man would be very lucky to have you as his life companion. I hope he knows this! Stay beautiful inside and out!

My story is similar. Husband and I married just 10 months ago. He's 35 and I'm 32. Marriage not even consummated. He has low T (350) caused due to prolactinoma (microedenoma) - a kind of benign pituatary tumor. He's on treatment now but no great change in the situation.<br />
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He's a nice guy but I'm terrified of the future. Is this the way life is going to be for ever ? The first few months of our marriage have centered around doctor's appointments, test results, waiting and anxiety. Sure my heart goes out to him. He did not deserve this. However I am unable to fully believe him when he says he did not notice symptoms earlier. He admits he did not get morning wood every day (he says he did not know he was supposed to get it daily !). He shaves only once every 3-5 days. Arm hair is non-existent although leg hair is dense. Did he not notice all these changes ? He says he was able to ********** before marriage. But says that he assumed the hardness was sufficient. It's actually not firm for penetration (sorry if it's too graphic here). Did he not notice the reduction in fluid / ***** ? It's all too confusing and as a newly wed in an arranged marriage, I'm between anger, anxiety, sadness and worry.<br />
<br />
AND it's not just the sex. The low T explains his loss of ambition, pessimism, negative views,'s a personality change. In our culture, this kind of problem is very very rare. Although it seems it's catching up quickly, regardless of culture or nationality. <br />
<br />
Out of kindness and consideration to myself, and given it's an arranged marriage, I'm half-considering leaving him because I just don't want to be the mother of 2 kids and endure such a problematic sexual life, conflicting emotions, the sadness, the loneliness along with the stress of constant medical attention and doc appointments. With my parents dead and no siblings, I really lack a strong family emotional support system to deal with such problems. It's a cruel joke in a way - I avoided pre-marital sex my whole life and looked forward to a healthy, happy, fulfilled married life (I had my chances,it's not just a cultural thing). But all said and done, the thing that's holding me back is the guilt, fear and uncertainity of divorce and life after it. I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for myself. I'm already 33, and with so few re-productive time ahead, I'm not sure what to do. The clock is ticking and it appears there are no easy answers.

Hmmm yeah it really sucks for you right? Since your the one with ED? Yeah ok. What happened to your vows? For better or worse? Sickness or in health? You should go so that he can find a more compassionate and committed woman.

Ok .
Now tell us all what your story is .
You sound like you are going through this .
You come here ( new empty profile ) and call the women here selfish for wanting what they have lost , and think it's wonderful to just accept things the way they are without expecting the men to problem solve an issue which is eating them away .
Ed is like many issues that drives a wedge in a marriage .. Poor health , obesity , low hormones , mental problems etc , all of which make the sufferer miserable . The spouse can see that and shouldn't just let it be .
We love our partners too much to just hold their hand and say .. It's ok , let's just ignore it , I love seeing you miserable . Self loathing is very attractive and a pleasure to live with !

And .. Let's not find a better way to handle this , let's just wait for our next life .

No I have no issue with a wife wanting to go get help, I have an issue with wives not being supportive and sensitive to the issue, acting like they are the only ones suffering. It's not a CHEATING issue it's a MEDICAL issue! It no difference then having cancer or being paralyzed. These ladies act like it's all the woman's problem and the men just hum through life...if it was a womanly issue such as the inability to engage in sex on her part do to hormonal changes or sexual one would even think about blaming her and would be disgusted by the thought of any man leaving her because of that...same issue just a different scenario.

I am just so sick of the double standard women play and the lack of empathy in ladies these days

The feminist movement has socially conditioned you to only care about yourselves and self absorbed and be completely oblivious to the needs of the opposite sex

Oh now I see .. you are bitter , not just us.
ED is nothing like cancer or being paralysed . It can be permanent , but there are some things that help , and there are other things you can do , rather than refusing and sulking about it.
Feminist ? I don't follow them and don't agree with the crap they come up with.
Men do not 'Hum' through their ED situation , it's the most devastating thing they ever thought they'd be facing on a personal level. **** .. they'd rather have cancer in many cases.. they'd still feel like the man they use to be.
You just set up your profile and you came straight here to attack women who actually want to help their men regain what they have lost ... I'm guessing you have ED .
If is was a woman's issue ? .... you need to read more stories .. it is a woman's issue .
I was refusing my H for a while . We were drowning in stress and I was gone. He complained , he nagged and he sulked... but it wasn't until he snapped , that I was able to wake up and realised what I ...ME ... was missing out on .
If he hadn't told me he had had enough , and couldn't wait for me to come to my senses anymore... I would have stayed in the hell hole I was in ... never mind the hell hole he was in .
Years later , he had ED issues... and guess what ? I did the same to him , and I snapped .
We both understand what it feels like to be on both sides of this situation ... and both know that 'softly, softly ' gets neither of you to your happy place .

Do not, for 1 minute, think that I don't realise how devastating it is, to not be able to be the person you know you should be , the one you were, the one you want to be again... it is the deepest of holes...and sometimes it takes the person who loves you the most to get you out.
If they have to stand at the hole and tell at you to ' get your act together and fight for what you really want '.. then they are doing you a favour.
No one else is going to do that for you ... because it's a secret right .... no one else knows !!!

@ happinesswinsxx, I do not want to seem like I am attacking you or coming at you personally, that is not my intention and thank you for sharing your story with me. I am just really hurt and devastated because I am only 30 and having only been married for 2 years and I have to deal with this thing. A few days ago me and my wife got medical testing reports back from a specialist (we were in a major car accident a year ago and we both suffered mild TBI as a result) and on my report one of my results said (sexual disfunction) on it. My wife saw the sheet and just flippantly said "you have sexual disfunction, that's really frustrating for both of us." I was so angry because she was so d#%n insensitive about addressing the issue. When I got obviously hurt by it and addressed that with her, she said I was acting like a "pu$&y" for being so emotional, yes those were her exact words. I am hurt and devastated by this. She later apologized but I still feel betrayed. So yes I am bitter right now but thank you for hearing me out.

I am very sorry to hear that .
Your wife did not handle that they way she should have at all ... But I have a feeling she acted in shock and fear .
I have learnt that the people who love you can say the most hurtful things to you when they are hurting . At that moment she was hurting , not more than you , but hurting .
I have been at my lowest point and been laughed at , had nasty things said to me and still , I knew that those words were not coming from the person who said them .
I hope that you can move forward and find ways to make things better . Best wishes to you .

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I read the very selfish stories its all about me me me my sex not his life of pain and torture. Get a life women their are other ways to please yourself and him with out a hard on, did u marry him for his **** or for him as a whole. Wake up your pathetic.

I married my husband because his is a whole person . I did not marry his ****! Of course there are many ways to please yourself and your husband without the need of an erection..But that doesnt change the fact that both are not happy with fact that intercourse is no longer such an easy thing to do, like it use to be .We are all grieving the loss of something that is important to use . It sounds like it isnt so important to you ! Lucky you ..."Get a life "is not going to help anyone going through this situation . What life should we get ?? Do you mean get someone else ? Or do you mean make the best of what we have .....thats exactly what we are all trying to do ! Pathetic is suffering in silence and pretending nothings wrong...Either you are bitter about this subject because you too are in a similar situation, or you are not and have no idea what it feels like ....which one are you??Everyone will deal with this their own way , and those who love their man will understand how devastating it is for him , but we still suffer together.

Thank you for such a calm reply that was educated, classy, and peaceful. Your reply brought tears to my eyes because IM thinking "FINALLY! Someone gets what Im feeling. And she isn't cursing anyone out just to prove a point!" I REALLY couldn't have said it better myself (trust me i know what i was about to post before I read your reply). Thank you!

Thank you !
It's a cruel situation to be in , absolutely devastating ! But you have to work at it together .

You sound like an awesome person. I am sorry i made a bad remark to whoever wrote that ,but it made me so angry !!

Your selfish which is an unfortunate developed trait in woman over the past 2 generations. It's all about you and your pain and struggles. Feminism has made you unable to see the pain of others do to social conditioning where you see yourselves as always the victim and men as jerks and tools.

Wow you sound pretty pathetic . If you have gone through this i can understand ,but if you haven't walked in her shoes you need to shut the f... up !!!!!!!

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I have never strayed from my marriage , it would never give me what i need the most , intimacy with my husband ! Its not as simple as sex .I feel for anyone in a relationship that is feeling so alone that they need to look elsewhere to fill the void that exists at home . My situation has only developed in recent years ,but the pain it causes is debilitating. I have much to say on this subject and hope that what I have to share will be of interest to some of you out there going through this also .I will write soon to paint a bigger picture ..

i'd be interested in what you did - did you find sex outside your marriage? I've lived in sexless marriage for 20 years and finally went outside the marraige to get my needs met. i have never regreted my decision and it has been very satisfying for me. yes i'm still married and love my sexless wife.

I am crying while I read all of these painful stories .I too, am the wife of a man who at 43 and has Ed.We have been together for 26 years ,and love each other very much .I know that he is devastated about his condition , I am too. Nothing compares, however, to the fact that he avoids any intimacy with me, due to his fears of performance anxiety . I understand his wanting to avoid disappointment for both of us . The thing is , I still exist , I still want his touch more than anything , but it never comes . Ed is not enough of a reason to end all intimacy .If my husband had an accident that cut him in half below the waist , I would still expect intimacy from him . Men are more than just their penis ! I worry that only women seem to know this !!

I am in your shoes...not only does this occure but I am also going through the anger stage sometimes it is almost to much to bare...not my anger but his ...they atack the ones that love them the most

You are in my shoes! The anger and blame can be extreme at times. Have had some of the most hurtful comments during the worst times.You dont bring it up because you dont want to upset them , then when nothing changes you feel compelled to say something and no matter which way you approach the subject, you are the one responsible for all that has ever been wrong in the relationship ? Sometimes the words that come out of my husband, when i try to discuss things, are so strange that i think he has turned into someone else.At times i have been screamed at and told to "Get over it !!" ????I know that he is coming from a dark place when this happens , but it's so painful to have to endure .There are times when things seem to be going well , then soon after we find ourselves back where we started. I too have been told that when i was experiencing a low sex drive ( during having kids , stress with other family , work stress, parents suffering cancer ) that i should " Get yourself fixed "? I even spoke to my doctor and was told , its normal for women to go through this , there is not much you can do . I went along with the "try it you might like it " approach , which usually worked , even if he did all the initiating. Now the tables have turned and i end up having that thrown at me everytime we end up arguing about our current situation.That and anything else i have ever done to upset him in all the years we have been together.. Whether its low sex drive , ED , or low testosterone , i think it make's many men highly defensive , so they go on the attack......Despite this , i still come back for more ..My husband is the only man i want in my life , so i take the good with the bad. Its amazing how man examples of things i have done wrong (to him ) that he can come up with sometimes. In 26 years there is bound to be a few things that annoyed or upset him . Funny thing is , i only remember the angry fights and his hurtful words that he has dished out to me during the many discussions we have had . This is a subject that most men wish would just go away ....never to be discussed on any level ever again .....Problem is we keep reminding them that it needs to be discussed and worked through. We can't win , "Damned if we do , damned if we dont "! Wish you lots of luck , love to hear how your doing .

Wow your very bitter...I think YOU need to seek counseling and therapy

Why , we are happy having sex like we always did .

I'm 59 and been with ED for six years. My love my wife with all my hart and soul. She use to love sex. Couldn't wait for it. Since my ED she doesn't want to talk about it. She use to kiss and hug me now that's gone. I can't tell you the hurt I feel for her. I read these type of letters all the time. Some men get mad at there wife and blame her. These men don't really love there wives. Then they are other men who have tried everything. Still nothing. I told my wife like others have to find another man to have sex with. In instead of being looked at as a loving offer she must think I'm some kind of pervert. I know my wife very well. She needs a penis worse than any woman I have ever met. Help. Can other women talk to her and help her understand.

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My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We want to have a baby, to complete or family, but it is literally impossible due to ED. We are mutually devastated and I feel like I am wasting my life. I love him and have been there for him through some of the toughest times in his life, but I hate my life. I feel unloved, unwanted, unsatisfied, unattractive and completely useless without purpose (other than being a maid). So what else?

ED is not really the problem here, even if his equipment doesn't work, he still can cuddle and hug you, and even help you to climax in other ways. I've had ED for 17 years, and while not much helps, my 2 wives are more than satisfied with their love life. Many men have the wrong idea that their maleness is related to wither their penis gets erect, when in reality it's how they treat their loved ones.<br />
My suggestion is to take him to your Dr. for a complete checkup, various drugs and medical conditions can lower sexual desire. Counseling can also help.

hi! i've been married for year, and we were dating for the past 10years, our sex life was simply perfect up until the past couple of months, in which we would be having sex and he would simply go off ! and if i asked whats wrong he'd say that he's just tired ! there were a lot of times in which i thought i wasnt appealing any more but im only 24, and i weight 54KG, so i dont think my appearance is the problem. There were even times i thought he turned gay! and sometimes he'd be done WAY sooner than he usually would! i really think its affecting my marriage and i have no idea what to do as sex is not a very discussed topic in my country!<br />

I have been married for 3 years now and I live a sexless marraige from the beginning... we used to try to have sex and it would turn out to be an mechanical exersice instead of pleasure.. but the strange part is he has always been cudly, loving and caring even now....first I used to feel its something to do with me but then as years went by he has no interest in sex part at all... what do I do?

Me and my husband where good friends before we started a relation and he had been single for 10 years and had girlfriends with benefits without the attachments. <br />
Last year we got married after a 5 year relation from day 1 he told me that he had problems making love because he had problems with his prostate. I told him to go and see a doctor which he did. So the sex wasnt bad but it was more foreplay then real sex but I accepted it because I love him. After our marriage it seems like he isnt interessted in me anymore. I go to bed wait for him but he stays up as long as he can then comes to bed in the dark. I have tried to figure out what is going on untill a few weeks ago I got so angry that I said things to him and he replied with start lossing some weight if you want sex. I am 44 years old 1.68cm and 68 kilo's not bad in my eyes but the only problem is that i have some baby fat around my belly. When he said that I thought my world collapsed. He wants me to be sexier in the bedroom well I dont know how because everytime I try he is a sleep already. Doesnt do good for your self esteem. After that huge fight he comes to bed and try to hold me but I dont want that when he touch me his words go through my head. So last week I joined a gym not for him but for myself. I want my self esteem up. I just dont know wat to do. I love him so much but things keep going through my head. Was everything what he told me a lie or is it me. Is he still attractive to me those questions goes through my head daily now and like blueeyebamagaal said I feel more like a maid then his wife atm.