Why We Should Leave Our Sexless Marriages
These are my thoughts on why people should NOT stay in sexless marriages. These are my reasons - and not everyone will agree - but I hope this will stimulate others to comment.
There are many people on ILIASM that feel "stuck" in their marriages and cannot see how to make their lives better. I hope this will resonate with some of them and help them to make a decision - one way or the other.
Sex (especially good sex!) IS a very important part of life. I used to see articles about how important sex was for ones physical and mental health and skip over these because they made me feel uncomfortable. 13 years of no sex at all will do that to you . . .!
Sex is not just for the young, the beautiful, the physically fit or the "body beautiful" . . . It is for each and everyone of us. Sure, you might need to make some adjustments as you grow older - depending on your own conditions - but EVERYONE can and should enjoy sex IMHO. It makes me sad to read comments from ILIASM posters who truly seem to think they will never be able to enjoy sex again . . .
Many people fear the loss of their hard won assets - home, cars, household goods and much more. Many years of hard work and sacrifice have gone to acquiring these things and it is natural to feel that you don't want to throw all that away. But at the end of the day, what good are all these "things" if you are unhappy? Can material things make up for the loss of personal satisfaction and happiness?
It can be very hard to make the decision to give up on these things - but ask yourself if ownership of these things really outweighs the happiness and joy you could experience if you were truly free to enjoy a loving relationship again? And in most countries, divorce laws are basically reasonable to both parties.
Intimacy is even more important, IMHO, than sex. And I believe sexless marriages cannot be truly intimate relationships. Without intimacy, we are living lives deprived of true connection with our spouses. Even if our marriages are warm, loving, respectful, non-aggressive and generally positive, living without intimacy and sex is soul destroying for most of us.
A huge factor for many is "how about the children?" Opinions on this tend to polarise - for or against leaving your marriage - if you have children living at home. Personally I think I made a BIG mistake not leaving and therefore exposing my children to a sexless marriage without intimacy during their formative years. But others will not agree - and this must be a personal decision for each person.
FEAR is a huge factor for many of us. Our self esteem and especially our self confidence have taken a very great battering. We no longer believe in ourselves - we think we have nothing to offer others. We feel unattractive, undesirable and not "worthy" of a great relationship. We feel that if we DO leave our marriages, we will simply swap one type of loneliness for another - and is it worth it?
BUT!! Please know that this is your self confidence talking to you when it is at its lowest ebb. That doesn't mean it is TRUE! Give yourself the option to experience a wonderful relationship again. And even if you don't find "true love" or your soulmate, you can enjoy sexual encounters, flirting and FUN without a guilty conscience . . .
Choosing NOT to get out of a sexless marriage is as much of a choice as choosing to leave. I often read posts from people saying they are unable to make the decision to leave. I suggest that they HAVE made a decision - and that the decision is to stay.
Yes, it takes courage to leave. But it takes even more to stay in a destructive relationship - and for what purpose? Even if you cannot leave NOW for any of a myriad of reasons, I encourage you to plan for a future where you can be free of your sexless marriage.
Whether this means getting a job, re-organising your finances, seeing a marriage counselor or having personal counseling, or any other actions - please consider putting into motion the steps you need to take for a better life for yourself.
It is a cliche - but VERY true neverthheless. You only get ONE life.