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Wife No Longer Interested In Sex

My wife's attitude towards sex has been pathetic. It's been an issue of strong discussions and fights to no avail. I need someone to tell me if I am in the wrong track or if this is supposed to happen after 20+years. She's in her mid 40's, not in menopause,  and I am just 4 yrs her senior. In the rare ocassions we engage in sex, she's really playful (anal, oral, etc) but it's getting extremely hard to convince her to have sex. She has agreed to all my fantasies, yet she doesn't play like she used to. We had sex almost every day before getting married, almost anywhere we could.

Most of the time, she just gives me a hand job and refuses everything else. We have grown up kids, all living with us. Like many, we're going through financial woes.

I don't think she's seeing someone else, an I haven't had sex with another woman for over 25 years. She's healthy, in pretty good shape so am I. We're both strongly family oriented and attend church. Our social life is fine.

Cerdire Cerdire 51-55, M 19 Responses Oct 12, 2009

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I just turned 34 last month, my wife is 42. When I met her sex was like, "here it is," all the time. My daughter is 8 now and good sex stopped 8 years ago, and sex in general...is done. I approached her with the subject and she says, "we dont have time!", or "you know she is sleeping." SO WHAT GIVE ME SOME! So her new tactic is, "I'm going to sleep in her room tonight." Wow!
So my secretary tells me her husband is locked up for 35+ and is divorcing him right. And for the last few months I've been "marking my territory."
I think today I'm just going to file and get it over with. The constant nagging and everything negeative with her isnt worth it.

I had completely forgotten about this blog until receiving an email this week and boy what can change in 2 years! Since struggling with this issue for years to the level of depression I am in a much better mental state now! I had an affair and have since left my wife. No more depression! I met someone in the same to worse position than I was! We have been seeing each other for over a year now as we are both separated preparing to go through devorce. What I have learned since separating is my wife simply took me for granted in many ways. Your mental health is much more important than money!

I'll be 39 next month and 1 year older than my wife. Teenage love since 1991, minus a few years when I married another woman. This first failed marriage has save this marriage a few times, the experience I got taught me a lot a patience and self examination before blowing up. In any case my wife is gorgeous inside and out, in the first couple of years sex was nothing short of expectacular. Since my first daughter was born everything changed, she has hormonal problems plus borderline bipolar syndrome, to top it all it has been very tough economically for the last 8 years, 6 years ago I battled cancer and I'm now a 3 times cancer survivor. She is a great woman, she took the responsibility for the whole family for 4 years and I became the man of the house taking care of my little daughter and my other baby while getting treatment; I'm back in more productive mode for almost 3 years and still doesn't take her stress awat. According to the doctors, I should be the one with extinct libido for my condition plus the medicine I take, but I cannot stop being extremely horny with my wife. She is the one that couldn't care less, one or twice a month and that is only with her hormones kick in or petty sex once in a blue moon, hey I'll take anything, but it is a life of torture for me, the only things she talks is the bills, what are we going to do, where can we take the girls with no money; I guess I'm becoming 'comfortably numb'. She just complaints that I don't understand her hormone and bipolar situation but she doesn't do anything to improve it either. I can't take anymore, I'll be here for her and my daughters, but I can't stop thinking about finding someone to have sex and stop harassing my wife and me begging for sex.

I am in the same boat. My wife is six years older than me mad has gone through menopause. This seems to have no interest in sex anymore. I ask her if we are going to ever have sex again and she says "yes", and then it never happens. I have tried to be understanding and supportive concerning menopause but it has been three years and I am frustrated. I feel like maybe she is repulsed by me because I have aged also. She is not having an affair, we get along like soul mates, but I just don't know what to do and I do not want to cheat or leave her, heck I truly love her. What am I supposed to do? Oh well just venting. Thank you

I'm worried in that I seem to be having similar problems, but, my Wife and I are a little younger at least than some others here; I am 27 and my Wife is 32 - we've been married 2 years. I think that makes the problem worse somewhat, as it’s nothing to do with menopause etc.

Others here are mentioning their own woeful sex lives and quoting things like ‘we only have sex 1-2 times per week or even a few times per month’ – my goodness – I wish!

I don’t remember the last time we had sex or were even remotely intimate at all. I read anothers’ post about how the Wife should make efforts to be intimate for her Husband, and I sympathise, but for me that would be awful – there is nothing worse than contrived lovemaking where both parties don’t actually WANT to be involved.

She has to want to be with me of her own free will and desire otherwise it’s a total turn-off. And therein lies the problem; I can’t talk to her about it because if I do she will either:

A) Think i’m being selfish and pressuring her for ‘wanting sex’; or
B) Just do it to shut me up and lie there ‘til I’m done.

We used to enjoy (well certainly I did) sex, and were quite adventurous at times, which I really enjoyed. I think she’s very attractive and sexy and I want to be close to her, emotionally and physically. It’s important to me that she enjoys herself, although I think she has issues in that department as a separate matter, but we used to be very open about sex, and get up to all sorts, and have a laugh too.

I suspect that she’s naturally more sexually reserved than I am anyway, I would always (and still do) fantasize about all the different ways we could be together, and in different places and the different ways I could try to please her), but even still accounting for that, thing’s aren’t right.

When reading about other’s experiences – some good some bad, I feel jealous – even of the supposedly ‘bad’ accounts – men talking about how their wives surprise them with romantic gestures, or coming home from work unexpectedly for a ‘quickie’ – I’ve never really experienced that at all but reading more it seems that that is pretty common in a healthy sexual relationship – and even the ‘bad’ stories are better than mine – I would kill for my Wife to want sex with me even once a month – even every 2 months - let alone the 1-2 times per week that some are complaining about!

I tried to help our sex life by trying to have open discussions about it, we bought sexy lingerie, toys, games, you-name-it. It all came to nothing.

I read so much about how to please her, and tried lots of different things, and I just ended up becoming depressed because she didn’t seem to get as much physical pleasure from sex. I racked my brains thinking what I was doing or not doing, I talked with her VERY frankly – again, everything I could think of. Without going into detail I never had a problem before we were married with other girls –and I didn’t even LOVE them (!).

Lately (last few months) sex has been completely off the agenda, she doesn’t make any advancements, or indications that she’s even remotely interested in me. I don’t want to be the proverbial ‘dirty old man’ tapping her on the shoulder in bed, but the times I have tried to initiate have ended in nothing – and that feeling of rejection is the worst feeling ever, so I won’t be making that mistake again.

What I just can’t understand is why she doesn’t want me anymore – am I no longer as attractive to her as before, have her feelings of love for me gone? Does she want someone else?

It’s very confusing, but all the while I have to live day-in, day-out living next to someone that I have a physical and emotional desire for, but can’t have her, and feeling that that person whom you pledged to love forever, now just casts you aside as if you meant nothing to her.

This having a strong sexual desire for someone that you live with, but can’t have, is extremely physically and emotionally exhausting, and it makes me grumpy and more prone to having arguments.

As a man we obviously deal with sex in a very different way from women, and I appreciate that it’s part of our genetic make up and purpose, and validates us. But without lifting a finger or saying a word she has been able to take away my manhood and potency, and I feel like I’m a totally worthless man because she doesn’t value being with me physically – or emotionally – not just sex but being close.

She must surely know the feelings of depression and deep hurt and rejection this causes – she’s an intelligent girl – but what hurts even more is that she does nothing at all to recognise it or be understanding. Sometimes I wish she would just tell me straight that she doesn’t find me attractive anymore or doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore so that I could just know where I stand.

It’s affecting our marriage deeply – I try to keep happy but every day is a struggle to cope and to stay in a light mood. Having sex produces chemicals and hormones of all sorts, and not having sex anymore is having a real effect on me – not least the physical discomfort of that dull pain that never goes away when you don’t have sex - but in my head.

If there was some reason why she didn’t want to have sex that I could understand I would – she is on anti-depressants, but she’s always been on them – even when we were being intimate regularly.
She knows I love her – I tell her all the time, and I try to work as hard as I can to show that I love and care, but when she says it back to me her words just seem meaningless and hollow.

Somebody must surely have had experience of a similar situation and have some insights or advice to offer? I need to fix this for my marriage, for my Wife and I to be happy.

I AM in the same boat brother. I've been with her fro 23 years and married for 19 of them. What you've described is EXACTLY my situation (less the continuous anti-depressants, but on and off for her over the years) and I too want to understand sooo badly and read and apply and try and it seems all for not, always.

This has been going on for a decade or longer now and I wish I knew something more now to offer you, but very sadly I don't. One of the worst parts is not knowing what the issue(s) is/are and not having a solution. It feels as if I'm the only one that is concerned or cares enough to broach the subject and the only one actively and seriously seeking solutions. It feels very lonely.

I'm sorry any other man OR woman would have to experience this, but please, should you or anyone have any insight or solutions to offer, I am all ears.

Thanks and best wishes to you.

My friend, I'm really sorry for what you are going though. I guess in your opinion I'm one of the lucky one whose has sex 1 or 2 a month. I do believe that there's something more going on, try a recommend marriage counselor. I on my part forcing myself to be good but I don't think is fair that we must be empathetic and understanding while we get none of the same considerations.

Same issue here. My testosterone level will still compare to that of a thoroughbred (can still run 5 miles everyday on a consistent basis as I just retired from military service), my libido still flares up like a pack of hemorrhoids, my sp*** runs on high level octane, and I can do start to stop in 2 minutes flat, but I'm afraid my sole partner of 25 years already run out of gas-perhaps biological. We now averages 1-2 a month (that is, if I get lucky) and that is just her laying flat on her back the whole time. We still love and respect each other, and doubt neither one has cheated on each other.I guess the 3-ring circus of marriage life is indeed true. Engagement ring, followed by a Wedding ring, and ending up in Suffering. I refuse to ma$****** anymore-it feels funny at my current age of 46.Can anybody tell what the next stage of marriage life is, after the sex fling is gone.

My wife is 51 and I am 56...for over a year or so she has had less of a sex drive. First it became painful and she was always dry no matter how much I tried to arrose her. She finally went and got a ring that helped with her estrogen level. That has helped with the dryness and made it more comfortable during sex but she just has no desire. I am always reaching over and kissing her, giving back massages, giving her hugs, giving her compliments, opening doors and such....trying to be affectionate with out being over whelming. We make love maybe once a week and lately it is becoming every other week. I am starting to become very frustrated, not knowing if it is me that she is uninterested in or just sex. She likes to snuggle in bed but it does not go any further.....

My wife last gave me intercourse on Father's day 1987. Before that we hadn't had intercourse 50 times. We are catholic and I don't know what to do.

and I think the censorship was appalling in my post above.. (sp3rm and m@sturb@tion were the BAD words I used.)

My wife and I have been experiencing most of what people here are talking about....(we're 49, she's in peri-menopause, her sex drive is zero - but she wants to cuddle in bed for hours, she doesn't feel sexy and she thinks she's ugly and fat and tells me I'm crazy or 'just horny' when I tell her how beautiful she is - she's 5 feet tall, 110 lbs, looks about 35 and is very pretty - , I'm in good shape too, there are the regular stresses of life(parents getting old, kids, jobs, she's always tired)...... When we do have sex, it's 1-2 times a month and I have to initiate. It's usually good to great on one of those occasions and just ok the other two. We used to have sex all the time and it was a coin-flip as to who initiated, whether there were stresses in life or we were tired or not, and it was a big part of our relationship. Now I feel like I'm pining for her half the time when she's sitting right next to me and I feel awkward about making advances because there is a better than good chance I'll be rejected or simply ignored. The worst part is that we have talked about it, and she isn't particularly aware that she's any different. Her new level of disinterest feels normal to her. She still loves me and likes affection. I love holding and kissing her too, but being close to her invariably brings urges to the surface. I have finally come to the conclusion that it really is biological. As her body ceases it's egg production, there is no longer a biological imperative to mate, so her sex drive recedes. My body is still producing *****, so I still have the biological imperative to mate. It's a cruel joke nature plays on us. I love her as much as I ever have and can't imagine life without her, but I don't relish the thought of a future of lonely ************ while living with a beautiful woman who just isn't interested. My only hope is that she'll be one of those women who become post-menopausal horn-dogs....... but the way things are going, I'll be impotent by then and she'll leave me for a younger man who can fulfill her needs....... Sorry for the long ramble...it made me feel better to just get it out.

I am a 48 year old woman who somewhat struggles with this issue for myself. I am not as interested in sex as I used to be. I have two grown children, one is on her own and married. The other child still lives at home, but age 21, in college and working. I have wondered why I felt this way. I am very tired at times and I feel my body changing. But my hormones are fine. I try to remember that it is important to maintain this relationship with my husband so that he feels happy and satisfied. He is 48 as well and we both push very hard with things happening in our lives. We have found creative ways to meet our needs together, we also see quality versus quantity. It is quality time, we have sex on average about 2 or 3 times a month. But it is good and it meets our needs. It helps us to reconnect. We also flirt with one another. He has been my best friend and husband for 28 years. His needs are important to me as his wife. Talk...talk...talk about it. And as I said quality is so important. If you enjoy it then lingering thoughts provide more of it.

How do you know your hormones are fine?! Do you mean they are fine for a 48 year old woman who is in some stage of menopause? A couple things I know for a fact.. 1) women start out with about a tenth of the amount of testosterone that men do. It is produced in their ovaries and adrenal glands. Once the ovaries shut down during menopause.. only the adrenal glands supply. Factor in a whole bunch of other affectinig factors and you may not have much testosterone in you at all. 2) testosterone is the libido producing hormone in men AND women! 3) unless you see a specialist, most doctors will tell you your fine independent of the amount of hormone. For example, the average total testosterone level for a 52 year man is 602 nanograms/ml. I have a frined that age who was 380. Dr said he was fine.. On the lab report, the rage was like 280 to 1000. So I gues if you had some testosterone you were good.. even if your a "D student" if ya know what I mean. 3) I know a woman over 50 who is on a bio identical hormone supplementation. Her energy and mood is great.. and she says the sex is GREAT! 4) bio identical hormones are not the same as used in the Womens Health Initiative Study done a decade ago stating that hormone therapy cause breast cancer yadayada... So, do yourself a favor and see a "specialist" who is trained in bio identical hormone replacement for blood test and a consultation and see what they say!

I appreciate your comment and hope everything keeps going well for you guys. But don't fool yourself, and for any woman reading this blog, for a man quality is the extra cherry topping, but the quantity is what keeps us sane, interested and alive.

We are trying to cope with your hormones issues, try to be good husbands and understanding, but you need to understand that men are not periodic, we were born ready for every day, and that our sex drive is hardly affected by emotions, try it, if you see your husband depressed flirt and try to engage in sex and see what happens.

Sex is one of yhe greatest gifts of this life, I only wish I can enjoy it tirelessly with my wife until the end of our lives.

I am a woman in my late 40s and up until recently was going through a period of time where I only had sex with my husband about once a month for his benefit. I had been at home and only working parttime while our kids were young and over the last few years felt less and less like a sexy woman and more like a servant running around after my kids and husband - tired and unappreciated. Feeling this way does not give you sexy feelings, and when sex is an event in bed with little lead up it also does not make you feel sexy and appreciated. Recently I went back to full time work for which I need to dress nicely. I started getting male attention at work (just politeness and friendship) and was also complemented on how well I was doing my new job by many people. The attention made me feel like a woman again, people were interested in me, and the male attention is flattering. At the same time the compliments on my work gave me a greater sense of confidence. This feeling of being attractive and appreciated is very motivating and has done wonders for my sex life. Even though my husbands behaviour has not changed much this has been enough for me. My suggestion would be if you want your wife to be sexy and want sex then you need to make her feel sexy - that means attractive, appreciated and feed her confidence - don't just nudge her on the shoulder in bed and then wonder why she doesn't respond.

Stop being so selfish. Take some responsibility for your own feeling and do something about it. It's not your partners sole responsibility to make you feel good.

I believe most women think this way. But I find it hard to believe (1) that anyone needs everyone else approval to live, so what happens if you are not attractive at all? (2) My wife of 13 years and girlfriend for 23; I couldn't be more horny for her if I try, I love seen her naked, every curve drives me mad, for 23 years I have never stopped telling her multiple times a day how gorgeous and hot she is ...... result. ..... what a shock... she always complaints about how unattractive she is, her fat rolls and how doent she have anything to wear.

What you need and care for is the appreciation of other man, the reaffirmation that you are still a desirable woman and not just condemned to be at the mercy of a complement of your husband. I believe this is true for you as it is for my wife.

I have other issues are a problem like money, or someone in the family is sick my wife has no interest in sex. When things are good sex is better seems any stress in our lives effects it. Funny how guy gets all the sex he wants when he first meets a girl once married then it starts to drop off. We have sex about 2 times a month, but I have to say when she gets into the mood she likes to go for hours. This isn't easy for me because if I'm self pleasing and all of sudden she gets into the mood I'm spent already. I'm concerned about her going though menopause she has really bad mood swings during PMS.

Women marry men hoping he will change. Men marry women hoping she won't!

How awesome is the simple truth

Sadanddesperate, consider buying a few hours of a therapist's time to figure out where your sexy feelings went to hide and why.

My husband and i have a great relationship. We do everything together. We are perfectly matched. We use to have a great sex life. I am a few months away from 46and he is just 40. I am sick a lot and he is in perfect health. I am also pre-mentapausal. I am extreamly attracted to him but i can't understand why i'm not interested in sex. It doesn't even appeal to me....I know he loves me more than life itself...but lets face it...he can only go for so long self pleasing. I actually get jealous when he goes to his man cave to please himself...I wish it was me...but i can't change how i feel..."NOTHING" i don't get it...Any other women would be all over him.I need serious help to save my relationship b-4 it's 2 late....any suggestions????

Have your hormone levels checked. My wife had her's checked and testosterone was really low. We thought this was the silver bullet for us, and immediately there was a change for the better. But now I think something else is wrong. Hence the reason I'm on here. But I still believe the hormone issues is one piece of the puzzle.

Amazing I am in my late 40's and she is 3 years younger. I am lucky to have any type of intimacy once a month. Really frustrated and not sure what to do next. Have tried counseling, writing, talking and meeting with support groups. Nothing as of yet and I am not ready to give up sex. Truly love this lady but just do not know what else to do. Any suggestions? We have been together for over 20 years and these should be the best time of our sex explorations not the worst.

Wow, your life sounds just like mine! Just like you, our sex life was good doing it about 3-4 times a week, then she went through menopause and bammm.... , no sex! She is currently 48 years old. She has absolutely no interest in sex! About once a month she will do it just to satisfy me which she thinks. I cannot handle this since I am a very sexually active male 45 years old! Ok, I can see she don't like sex anymore as she has told me but I can't live like this. Is this fair to me that I have to suffer because she doesn't like it anymore for the rest of my like? I have tried toys, romance, etc... with no avail. I don't know where to go from here. I am a pretty good looking guy with a good build and I know I can get other woman if I want to. I may have a secret affair but that may lead to a divorce. Does anyone else have advice on this issue?

Yea Me too. I've been struggling with the idea of an affair. Though I hate to call it that. I'm not "cheating". I have needs that are not being met. And we have talked about it. I have never had sex with anyone else. I'm afraid she will find out. I'm afraid I'll be different. I'm afraid of the guilt I love my wife but I must have SATISFYING sex.

I would say to you that in her mid 40's your wife is in her sexual prime so unless there is some physical problem that you are unaware of, she is denying you for some slight perceived or otherwise. If your children are constantly parading thru the bedroom and there is no privacy then I doubt you would be looking to have sex as well. But barring that, I'd suggest that you sit down and have a calm and non-accusatory chat with her along the lines of our love life seems to be waning in the bedroom and I'm wondering if you have any ideas how we can recapture the magic. See what she says.

Sex is simply an "after-shock" of any (relation..!

Welcome to the community. Sorry you are here . You will find a lot of other men and women going through similar struggles. Take a look at the other stories and posts to gain some wisdom and insight into your situation.<br />
Good luck to you

Contrast: <br />
We dated 1 year <br />
Married 20 years - she is 47 and I am months from turning 47. <br />
Both are fit and like exercise <br />
Wife is quite playful - which is a big factor<br />
Sex is very good to fantastic <br />
<br />
You could do much better sexually. Always try to fix your existing partner first. But they may require telling your partner that she needs to help you improve your sex life so you are satisfied.