Reviewing My Story

Several of my friends told me that I need to explain where I've been because I took down most of the things I'd posted. Some folks who have just come into this group have expressed some curiosity so this is the beginning of my story.

        I have been married twice, the first time for about 2 1/2 years the second time for over 26 years. I have not had any kind of meaningful sex life for the last 20 years. My wife and I are good roommates and we talk frequently about all kinds of things but she has no desire to do anything sexual. She even told me that she doesn't find me desirable but she doesn't find anyone else desirable either. Needless to say that was a terrible blow to what was left of my ego. She will make no effort to do anything sexual; I can't even convince her that I have needs that aren't being met. She has arbitrarily decided that since she has no need for sex that I am not entitled to any sex either.

I am retired because of back problems, which have caused me to have multiple surgeries, but I have worked very hard to rebuild my strength and to maintain as much flexibility as possible. The last surgery put seven steel rods and multiple screws in my back. I was told I would probably never be able to walk again and they gave me a powered wheel chair. I have never used that chair. I was in a regular chair for three months after surgery but as soon as the wounds had closed I was in the pool at the YMCA working on rebuilding. Now ten months later I can walk without a cane. I am very muscular and the swimming has increased that. I carry whatever fat I have around my waist. My doctor has been amazed at how far I have managed to recover.

I am just an average Neanderthal kind of guy I look like a short Incredible Hulk except I haven't turned green yet. I have been a schoolteacher and a soldier and spent many hours working with Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts when my sons were growing up. I have tried hard to be a good parent. I have never been an alcoholic or a drug user but I have always enjoyed sex. I'm not an addict or I couldn't have survived. I have never cheated on my wife even though sometimes it seemed as though she was trying to push me into something like that. I have discussed this problem at length with her and she always claims she will do better in the future and that she loves me. It never happens, the only love I get is a few words now and then. That doesn't help the aching emptiness that I feel inside. I crave touch and the feeling of closeness that can only be experienced in sex. I'm adrift and somehow this has to change but I don't know what to do. I've considered looking elsewhere for that kind of comfort but somehow I think I would feel dishonored to have sex with another person without giving them my full attention and love. I'm torn between need and conscience.

Other than our sex life my wife and I get along very well. We think alike and usually agree on most things. Our only real area of incompatibility is our sex drives. I have one she doesn't. I know from observation that she is seriously depressed and I have bouts of depression too. She provides the major income because my pension isn't enough for us to live on and I understand that can add to the stress level but I don't think I should be punished for being crippled by something I had no control over. She went to a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants, which seemed to help but she quit taking them because she said they made her feel odd and she refuses to go back for further treatment. Sometimes I feel like she is hugging her depression to her like a best friend because it gives her an excuse to be the way she is. She seems to care a lot about other people and goes out of her way to avoid any conflict. She absolutely detests anything that could be labeled as change. She has worked at the same place for over 16 years and put up with all kinds of abuse because she won't consider changing and doing something different. I see change as a good and necessary thing but she sees it as a threat.