One Coping Mechanism: Love Your Kids

When the sex was gone, I tried my best to transfer my energy into expressing love for my family as a whole.  That meant showing my kids that their parents loved them unconditionally.

Every time I felt depressed about the lack of affection from my wife, I took the kids out to the park or to the mall or to a fast-food joint with an indoor play center.  Basically, I wallowed in the joy knowing that at least I had my kids.

I also tried to anticipate the possible break-up of my marriage.  Despite the sexlessness, I did not want to break up with my wife.  Given her past behavior, I would expect her to sow seeds of discord with my kids against me -- she did that somewhat regularly by making promises to my kids about what Daddy was going to bring them or where he was going to take them without consulting me -- thus, setting up my failure to follow through and being able to point out that I disappointed the expectations of the kids.  Devilish, I know.  So, in anticipation of the worst, I used reverse psychology by sowing seeds of love with my kids towards my wife.

We made a habit of lighting candles and making a prayer.  I would take my kids to church or we would kneel in front of a little makeshift shrine at home.  I tought them a simple prayer:   " Thank you God for Mum.  Thank you God for our family.  Thank you God for our food and thank you for Your Love. "

The goal was two-fold:

1)  it would focus my thoughts on good thoughts; trying to see the good things that I had -- actually, the good things that we had as a family

2)  in the unfortunate possibility that my wife and I split, my kids would grow up with a contrast: positive vibes from me and ( what I believe would be likely ) negative vibes from my wife.   I felt that would be the best I could do for them and for me. 

This strategy was a result of my own up-bringing.  My parents argued all of the time but my father rarely said bad things about my mother -- except for when we were older and more mature.  We grew up seeking our father as a refuge from the craziness and negativity of our mother.  My father was difficult too in his own way but he was a hell of a lot more stable and peaceful. 

This strategy was also a result of immersing myself in the experiences, pains and sorrows that were shared here in the ILIASM group.  This group gave me strength, perspective and challenged my preconceived thoughts -- directly and indirectly. 

I realize that my experience can only touch or relate to a select few among the ILIASM group.  Maybe somebody somewhere who finds parallels in their own family may find something useful from my story.