And The Verdict Is...
I came very close to finding a FWB. I started to plan in my mind how it would all come to pass, what I would say, how I would get away etc. I was so sure that was what I wanted. I was already thinking how great it would be to lose myself in some glorious, sweaty sex. Then I made one 'mistake'... I looked at my husband. I saw a man whom I love more then I can express with words. I REALLY saw him. I saw his humor, integrity, love for me and the kids. I don't know what clicked or how... I just know that I love him. I love him so much that the thought of being with someone else and destroying our life together has made me burst into tears all day long.
I know I'm very lucky, the only thing missing in my marriage is sex. We have a great life, great kids, a lot of love and laughter. I couldn't dream up a better man, a better father for my kids, a better companion. I know sex is very important in a marriage. I know that I'm going to go absolutely CRAAAAZY with pent up sexual tension. I also know that the alternative (lots of sex with a pale comparison of the man I'm married to) is not the answer for me.
I almost wish I could hate him so I could just move on and start again. I almost wish...
I know I'm going to be angry, I know nothing will magically change now that I've had this epiphany, but I also know that if I gave up now I'd hate myself.
My plan is to back off for a while. Really focus on myself and things that make me happy. Try to become myself again - minus the bitter angst :) (This is no small feat, I'm full of bitter angst). I'm on a mission to feel great about myself. I'm going to ease up on the sexual demands for 3 months and see if all this combined make a difference. I'm also going to focus on playing more and making the entire sexual experience fun again. I've tried a lot of different things, but I think I'm going about it all wrong. I'm focusing mostly on myself and what I want - which could understandably be scary for a man who isn't as adventurous in the bedroom. I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to focus on him for a while. I'm going to remove the angst and replace it with a lot of spontaneous BJs ;) and not expect anything in return.
Yes, I'm living in an idealistic dream world where I believe that my actions might actually change something. Don't burst my bubble please :)