And The Verdict Is...

I came very close to finding a FWB. I started to plan in my mind how it would all come to pass, what I would say, how I would get away etc. I was so sure that was what I wanted. I was already thinking how great it would be to lose myself in some glorious, sweaty sex. Then I made one 'mistake'... I looked at my husband. I saw a man whom I love more then I can express with words. I REALLY saw him. I saw his humor, integrity, love for me and the kids. I don't know what clicked or how... I just know that I love him. I love him so much that the thought of being with someone else and destroying our life together has made me burst into tears all day long.

I know I'm very lucky, the only thing missing in my marriage is sex. We have a great life, great kids, a lot of love and laughter. I couldn't dream up a better man, a better father for my kids, a better companion. I know sex is very important in a marriage. I know that I'm going to go absolutely CRAAAAZY with pent up sexual tension. I also know that the alternative (lots of sex with a pale comparison of the man I'm married to) is not the answer for me.

I almost wish I could hate him so I could just move on and start again. I almost wish...

I know I'm going to be angry, I know nothing will magically change now that I've had this epiphany, but I also know that if I gave up now I'd hate myself.

My plan is to back off for a while. Really focus on myself and things that make me happy. Try to become myself again - minus the bitter angst :) (This is no small feat, I'm full of bitter angst). I'm on a mission to feel great about myself. I'm going to ease up on the sexual demands for 3 months and see if all this combined make a difference.  I'm also going to focus on playing more and making the entire sexual experience fun again. I've tried a lot of different things, but I think I'm going about it all wrong. I'm focusing mostly on myself and what I want - which could understandably be scary for a man who isn't as adventurous in the bedroom. I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to focus on him for a while. I'm going to remove the angst and replace it with a lot of spontaneous BJs ;) and not expect anything in return.

Yes, I'm living in an idealistic dream world where I believe that my actions might actually change something. Don't burst my bubble please :)

lovemylife lovemylife
7 Responses Nov 4, 2009

Thanks to everyone for your responses. <br />
As of this point my little experiment has capsized. (Ok, so maybe you were right to do some bubble bursting). <br />
I think I just really wanted to believe that something would actually make the difference... that I could somehow change the situation. Yeah... not going to happen. <br />
We did actually try to have sex one night. It was awkward and he actually gave up half way through because I wasn't responding the way he wanted me to. (I won't get into details, but I was trying to cheer him on... whether he deserved it is debatable) At that point I knew that I won't be pursuing sex anymore. <br />
I love my husband, and value the life and friendship we have, but I'm one step closer to a FWB. <br />
<br />
Damn it... I really wanted it to work :(

I feel similar to the way you do. My H is a wonderful man and treats me in a way most women would envy. I know he loves me and I love him.<br />
<br />
But after 14 years of no sex; I do not understand how that can be if we really love each other as husband and wife. And I am not attracted to him now; I guess I haven't been for a very long time. So in my case, I really don't know if it is possible to turn the boat around.<br />
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I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

I find it so interesting to hear this from the female perspective. I could hear my self speaking about my relationship with my wife when you describe your experience with your husband. All I can say is that I'm doing exactly what your doing focusing on me and trying to see the problem through her eyes, backing off the requests and trying to get back to what brought us together. I offered oral sex w/o a requirement of sex and was politely turned down. All I can say is that he's a lucky man to have someone trying so hard!

Dear Lovemylife: I won't burst your bubble. I have been where you are and some days still am.<br />
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When you love so deeply it is hard to walk away. To imagine a world without that person. I still hurt and I have been away from him for 14 months.<br />
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What you are doing, working on yourself, your attitude, etc. is all very admirable and commendable. In fact, I suggest and encourage it. But I will also say that it is the preliminary stages of your own disconnet.<br />
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Can I make a suggestion? Please read the book Uncoupling. It's very powerful.<br />
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I wish you so much love and joy.<br />

Regardless of the bubble bursting, I still believe that my marriage is worth this effort. <br />
I understand that most people here are jaded and frustrated. I understand that its easier to support someone who would rather walk away then try again.<br />
I'm not stupid, I know how hard this will be, but if there's a chance it could help WHY NOT?? What am I losing? <br />
No marriage is perfect right? Some people have regular sex, but there are any number of other problems. No sex is my only problem. I'm going to do anything I can to 'turn this boat around'.

We are our own worst enemies. DOnt you hate it when you just love them so much. How can they be that dear to us when they continue to hurt us. Follow your heart, dont argue with your head for a while as you said. Clarity is so subjective

Sorry, bubble bursting ahead.<br />
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You said you couldn't dream up a better man. I could and you could too, one who does all the things your husband does AND has sex with you. <br />
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What do you think you'd do if tomorrow morning you woke up and your husband said that he had to make a confession, to come clean about something that he's been hiding for a long time. Suppose that he then earnestly explains to you that he is gay. He tells you he loves you and couldn't dream up a better woman, a better mother, or a better companion. <br />
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Would your inclination be to stay with this man forever knowing he is gay and wants no part of sex, only the domestic daily life you share? Or, do you think you would assume that if he is not of the same orientation as you, then well, that's it then? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think you were staying with a gay man. In practical terms, what is different between the sexless marriage and being married to a gay man? Anything? So, why would you settle and assume there was some problem with you in the one case and not in the other?