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Nov 7th, 2009
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e have been married for 5 years now, and we have a 2 yo boy. I love my wife and little boy more then life itself. I couldn't imagine life without either of them. Although I have contemplated divorce from time to time, I couldn't do it, just the thought of not seeing either of them is to much.There has been a real problem with our sex life since our son was born. There is always an excuse, or not right now how about later. We've had "the talk" so many times I've lost count. Every time there are promises made things will change, and it does for for a short period of time.
Its to the point now that I don't initiate anymore, and if I do its because I'm drunk (oh what a turn on that must be, and its not very often I get drunk) or I do it half arsed so that it doesn't hurt as much when I'm told to get lost.
Lately I've found myself resenting the situation and my wife more and more, and I'm not enjoying being around my son as much as I use to as he is the typical 2yo, whinge and wants everything his way, and that seems so familiar and upsetting. I feel like I have no control any more, either in or out of our relationship, everyone day people want stuff from me, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I spend the day fixing everyone else's issues and doing as requested, but I feel as if I'm asking to much if I request anything in return, even something as simple as the human touch from my wife.
I realize I have an high sex drive, and don't expect her to be able to keep up. That's fine I understand that, not many people would be able to. But I wont to be able to initiate sex with my wife and not have to bargain about when where or why this should take place. In bed at night with the lights off when she feels the need and I'm exhausted and so not in the mood, isn't a compromise from my point of view.
When I was younger I went though a major stage of depression, and was lucky I have a supporting but pushy family that helped me through it. The thing that scares me the most is I can feel myself falling back there, into that place. I don't want to go and I'm struggling not to, but I need a life line. I can't talk to my wife about it anymore, she just thinks I'm a sex addict and that there is more to life then sex, and I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about it. I guess its just nice to know your not alone.
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  | Posted Nov 7th, 2009 at 11:22PM, last updated Nov 7th, 2009 at 11:23PM LD, I am hugely sympathetic to your fear of falling into depression . . . it is very concerning when one feels this may be about to happen again. Please seek some medical advice and if possible, undertake counselling. Unfortunately I cannot offer any wise suggestions for your marriage situation. I do encourage you to read the stories and forum posts here on ILIASM. You will find information, advice, humour and much more of value. Other posters here are supportive and you can expect to feel a bit better about your situation in the company of others experiencing similar situations. I do hope you can find a way forward that will help you to re-establish your marriage in a way that is positive and productive for both of you and your little one.   |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 1:25AM Denying sex is a controlling behavior and I can clearly demonstrate how. One cannot force their spouse to have sex as it is against the law and called rape. One can deny their spouse sex and thus force them to do without and there is no legal consequence. For whatever reason, your wife is wanting to control you. |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 5:21AM You have my sympathy and understanding, as I was once where you are now. First of all: it is important to know that your sexdrive is a healthy and legitimate need, as humans we are wired that way. Moreover our sexuality and self esteems are very closely related. That is why rejection in that department is so devestating for both men and women. It is not unnatural or evil to have a libido or even a high libido. Secondly, men DO NOT always have a higher libido than women. I am a woman and I have a very, very healthy libido and could have sex every day. I know I am not speaking for ALL woman, only for myself. That said, I have also learned that life is all about our perspective on things. Many people, men and women alike, have an unhealthy perspective on sex/sexuality. It is all about one's perception/fr +4 nods |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 5:40AM Wow Breeze what a powerful and inspiring post. You really have nailed some vital issues. I'm so glad it worked for you and hope that it may inspire others to be as equally direct and incisive as you have been. Many thanks. |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 7:38AM I went through your pain for 26 years. I know how you feel. It wasn't easy. I waited until the kids got older and left. I stayed because I loved my wife and I wanted to believe her excuses and I always hope that things would improve. Well they didn't improve. They got worse. |
| Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 2:25PM Quote: For whatever reason, your wife is wanting to control you. Please do not make this assumption. I talked about this in a previous thread. Although the result of "refusal" may look like control, I would wager that a desire for control is rarely the motivation. I would amend the quote to: "for whatever reason, your wife does not desire sex and is averse enough to it that she tries to avoid it." THIS is the only uncontestable truth in a one-sided sexless marriage. F. +2 nods |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 6:32PM Do something for yourself...it can be anything. Start working out, or find a hobby...but something for you. I give other women this advice all the time - but it's true for all "fixers'...you have to put yourself on the priority list. Start small...but maintain it...it seems simple...but it works. |
 Feeling blank | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 6:35PM Where to begin, I know both sides, I was once her and the reason was because I was overwhelmed with life, work and school and taking care of two kids, he was unemployed and had way to much time on his hands, and I slowly pulled away from him because I felt like there was no support, I dont live with you so I don't know her side, but I will tell you this, we seperated for three months and in this time I came across this book called Love Busters by Williard F. Harley, it was the best book I have read in a long time, it explained alot of things about giving and taking in a relattionship, you might want to pick up a copy and share the book with her if she will read it. Now your side, that's where I am at. We are back together and when we were apart I realized that I missed him so much, I longed for his touch and I made a promise to him that I would work on being more sexual with him, in the beginning things were fantastic, now two months down the road he seems to be pulling away from me, almost as if he is punishing me for what I did to him, he says he is not ready to be sexual with me, so I can totally relate to what you are both going through, my suggestion to you both is to seek counseling, if she is willing to make things work she will go. He and I are now in counseling and we are learning new things about eachother every day, its worth a shot right? I wish you the best of luck. |
 | Posted Nov 8th, 2009 at 9:17PM Thanks for your comments, It's very comforting (although saddening) knowing that others are going through or have been through this. I don't believe anything in life is simply black and white. This isn't as simple as her wanting to control me (there are far better and more effiecent methods of that). I've tried many of the things suggested. I already go to the gym 3 times a week and study part time. So finding something to fill the time isn't the problem. I don't think I'm a bad husband, I do what I can when I can to show how much I love her, like taking her out to dinner, looking after our son and sending her out for the day to relax. I'm not perfect but I think I make an effort. Yes my wife is a little inhibited when it comes to sex, and I have tried many things from talking to her about it to just trying new things. Nothing really seems to work let alone get her interested. I'm interested what you did breeze to get your husband interested in trying to let go of his inhibitations. |
 | Posted Nov 12th, 2009 at 11:20AM I understand where you are comming from. I feel your pain. |
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