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Now What???

I am going to try to make this as short as I can - so please bear with me.

Hubby and I have been married for 8 years. Our sex life dwindled slowly and then 3 years ago stopped. I ignored my desires and tried to be understanding of my husbands medical problems. He has used Viagra since before we were married and in the end sometimes that wasn't enough. I am attractive and sexy looking and frequently "hit on" by other men in my work or just out and about. I had told him in the past that other men would stop me and proposition me, but we would just laugh about it and that was all. He never said anything about my appearance etc in a very long time. I would ask "Doesn't this look good?" or "(daughter) picked this out for me, what do you think?" He would always say "Yes, it looks good." Nothing more.

About 8 months ago I had a few "encounters" and came to the conclusion that I was not going to live like I was 80 years old like my husband. I look like I am in my mid 30's and I do not want to waste any more of my youth lamenting about what I don't have.

I did not properly clear my secret email account one night and he read some emails with a current "friend" I had at the time. (I don't have this friend any longer) NOW, he is insanely jealous, follows me around like a dog, has lost weight and tries to work out at the gym. He is seeing a psychiatrist once a week and is on meds. We are starting couples counceling. But . . . to me the relationship could be beyond saving. I have been neglected for too long. I did not intend to divorce him until the children, he is the step-dad, until the children were grown and gone, another 5 or so years. IF we have sex now - it is terrible. Now what???
positiveiq positiveiq 41-45, F 7 Responses Oct 27, 2007

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Thank you to everyone who posted a comment or opinion. I like to look at things from different points of view to try to understand the "big picture".



Here is an update: We are attending weekly counceling sessions with the wife of his shrink, who is also a therapist. There have only been 3 sessions so far, but I am positive that there will be good results. Both in our understanding of ourselves and the other person. Will the marriage remain intact? I am not getting my hopes up, many things are starting to return to the way they were before. I am an excellent mother and wife. The kids have no idea there is any problem. I have no desire to force them to grow up faster than they need to and it is MY responsibility to make sure they are not adversly affected by my choices. So, yes - I will continue to live the lie and pretend that I am happily married. What really is the difference between staying where I am or having a roommate? It is all about the kids. Thanks.

your story sounds more positive then some here. you have choices to make. forgiveing and staying seems possible from the tone of your story. good luck.

It's definitely a positive sign that he finally responded to something. However, it sounds like too little too late. Perhaps he just never really thought that he could lose you and that there would always be time to improve things later. Humans don't tend to do anything that they don't feel like doing until life pokes them in the chest and says, "This is it."



I went through a similar patch with my wife where I was just flat out down and depressed. We talked about it a lot, but nothing about what was happening to me motivated her to make an effort to improve the situation. So I finally brought up taking a lover outside the marriage. "Whoa! Hey, hold on there. It's one thing if you are suicidal, but an affair? Let's talk about this..."



Things got better between us only very briefly and she sank back into her comfortable position on the couch.



My point is that, even if it's not too late and the two of you are able to come back together, the trick will be not sinking back into that routine.



I certainly wish the best for both of you in whatever you end up doing.



Orchis

Sounds like you've already moved on. Unless you want to make it about punishing your apparent STBX for sins of the past, you need to either move on, or find a way to re-invent your relationship with him. Can you honestly sit on the fence and still respect yourself?

That's great you're both starting therapy together. Maybe it is too late but I have to say it amazes me sometimes how far gone a relationship can be and still sometimes be saved. Especially with some hardcore honesty. Of course, fear of loss (on your husbands part) can be an incredible motivator for change. I wish you all the strength to stay centered and true to yourself and your path in this process.

Not sure but I wish I had realized before being retired and now in a situation where the lose of assets would be a huge change in lifestyle. I was a nurse and worked hard and saved to get to this point iin my life.

My advice is move on if their is nothing there anymore.

This is a tough place to be in. You need to figure out if you want to be with him. You have said you did not think it could be saved. You would know if this is true and if it is, maybe you should move on. You both deserve to be happy. Your children will only see a relationship suffered through for them. This sometimes causes guilt and sometimes outrage to the parent that left. Our family recently experienced this with a sister in law leaving after all her kids were grown. The kids now shun her not so much for leaving their dad but because they are angry at her for staying. I talked to them and they all said almost the same thing. They were guilt ridden because of her miserable life then she was happy. So now they displace their anger at themselves for causing their mom to be miserable all these years. They blame themselves but take it out on her. They will eventually see the issue and treat her better but it has been 4 years and not yet. This issue is what forced me to make the divorce move with my wife. I do not want this displaced anger because the kids felt guilty about the life I decided to live for them. I know I will be happier without her so I am taking that step. Only you can decide if that is true in your situation. Heck even your kids may not feel this way later. I just do not want my children to see this crazy life we lead because this is not how to treat each other and definately not what they need to be a party too.