Frustrated Husband

I'm a healthy fit 51 yr old in a sexless marriage. We have a great business relationship and I don't want that to end but romanticly she no longer has any interest in me. What's a man to do? I'm tired of fantisizing and feel very frustrated. She says our lovemaking days are over , although we still enjoy dinners, family, mutual friends etc. It's easy to see why people have had secret lovers down thru history. That's the only route I can see for myself. But it's not easy finding the perfect mistress either. And I can't get excited about prostutes. I feel trapped.

jimbob58 jimbob58
51-55, M
7 Responses Nov 15, 2009

First of all I'de like to thank everyone for there interest and comments. To answer some of these questions. Yes we do sometimes cuddle in bed although we have separate bedrooms.No sex. And yes I still give great massages although not that often anymore. She has always got the creeps about kissing. This is nothing new.And she would never take testosterone or even any herbal remindy. I've suggested this and don't know why she's against it.She just hates sex. Get this. She even thinks that viagra was "invented for dirty old men". True. But we still have some fun times together and have a great circle of friends. I need HELP!

I suppose you have tried the obvious ways to improve things. How about a lovely massage with baby oil when she is mellow from a few drinks. Make it clear that you are only going to make her feel good and that it is not a prelude to sex.<br />
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Or get in the habit of massaging her neck or head when you are lounging in the sun. If she becomes used to you massaging her then it may be possible to stray to her bust or inner legs.<br />
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Do you still kiss. Do you cuddle in bed when not heading for sex.<br />
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Perhaps introducing another into the equation may help. Would she allow a friend to give her a massage. Anything that might move from warm cuddly feelings to sexual arousal.<br />
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Have you discussed with her the possibility of you finding a sexual partner purely for fun and not for the future, openly to reduce the threat of this activity. Possible someone married in the same situation who would not want a full time relationship. There are dangers of course but so are there if you simply stay in a sterile marriage. Best of luck. Peter.

Jimbob<br />
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My wife seemed to go the same path as yours, particularly after the onset of perimenopause. The lack of respect and caring on her part is hard on one's feelings of confidence and self worth. The absence of itimacy is one added diminsion to the whole package. Seems like there are a few of us in the same boat without a paddle and the only solution seems to be to jump overboard and start again.<br />
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I guess in a really perfect world all would be well with my wife and I in and out of the bedroom. There are some small medical problems also(or what I consider small). The hot flashs, vaginal dryness and pain etc. But her sex drive is ziltz. Is this normal? We're the same age and she was such a good lover when we were younger. But I've always loved her more than she loved me and she is the better half in many ways. She is the most fast paced and ambitious women I've ever met and I have trouble sometimes keeping pace. And most of our social circles are because of her. Although she wouldn't be where she is financially if not for me. I have no problems having an intelligent 2 way conversation with almost anyone but she says we don't communicate.I think we communicate just fine most of the time. Last week I planned a special evening. Candlelit dinner, movie (Couples Retreat), holding hands. Everything seemed to be going great but in the end I was rejected again. I'm not in any hurry to end this thing but after the kids leave the nest (they're 16 and 18) I think our days are numbered.She seems to have lost her respect for me and it's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect you back. I would love to grow old with her but not the way things are going.

I think it's important to be sensitive to your spouses point of view. After all, the problem could be physical for example. But yes, at the end of the day life is wonderful but short and you need to look after your own needs also. In a perfect world wouldn't it be nice if it could be a win, win, win situation where all three people could be happy. But maybe that's just wishfull thinking.

so many sad comments... but you need to the man, who takes some controls, while she needs to surrender herself to you in everything...<br />
Google it...<br />
Taken in Hand<br />
60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb<br />
Just **** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know about Taking Control in the Bedroom

I know what you mean. What to do? An affair is a real effort, and "dangerous." Sure, part of me desires it anyway, but I don't really want the effort and risk.<br />
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We need an organization that provides us satisfaction. LOL!

Yes. You make a very good point. I guess she would receive the love and intimacy that we had when our love was new. Now that's not easy with someone you've been with for 20 yrs is it. But I think I'm willing to try and she's given up , at least in the romance department.