Intimacy And Control
Another dose of emotional roller coaster for me... I found the courage to reach out for my husband'syesterday, while watching tv. He immediately held mine in response, as if he was waiting for it. Next morning he hugged me spontaneously and very affectionately, as I was making myself a cup of coffee. A first hint of intimacy after so many many months. God it's been so long, it felt better than sex!
But.. later that day he returned to his usual sulky and stone-walled state. Some trivial reason not even worth discussing.
I read somewhere that emprisoning somebody in a pattern of ups and downs, give and refuse, love and withdrawal, is ultimately all about power -the refuser decides when to communicate, and when not to; when to offer affection and understanding, and when to cruelly deny it; he or she is in control, has both the carrots and the sticks. It occurred to me that so long as I need him, so long as I expect something of him, he will do this. I don't think he's consciously doing this to control me- it must be a response he's inherited from his upbringing.
I cried a bit on my own. Then I pulled myself together. I thought to myself, if this is the sort of thing he decides to get upset over, his choice. I made an effort.
What a dilemma is facing me now: do I stop expecting things of him, burying every hope? do I keep on trying, falling in the same loop of reaching out and rejection? or else, where can I find the selflessness and strength needed to reach out honestly and from the bottom of my heart without having any expectations of intimacy and warmth?