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Menopause And The Husband

My problem is a little different from most of what I have seen here, but I need a place to talk and this seems as close as I may get.

My wife and I are in our early fifties and have been married just over four years.  This is a second marriage for both of us.  While we were dating and in the early part of the marriage, the sex was great.  For the last 2-3 years, my wife has been going through menopause and as a result her sex drive is essentially non-existent except for occasional (once every few months) returns for a day.  I know that this is a common response to this phase of life, but I am having a very hard time dealing with the absence of a sex life.This is especially true since I still find her very desirable (she doesn't think she is pretty anymore) and it is hard to share a bed with a woman that you love and find desirable, but who doesn't want you to touch her.

She says that she still loves me and that is just a hormonal thing that she cannot control.  If that is true, I know that I should be patient and supportive, but what about my needs for affection and love?  Yes, I am a man and in this culture that means I am the bad guy in any relationship issue, but is that really true and is it really fair?

At this point, I am getting increasingly depressed about living a sexless life till I die.  I am an affectionate person by nature and it is hard to have to deny that part of me.  It also doesn't help that my first wife lost interest in sex with me for that last half of that marriage.  She was fooling around on the side and decided she had to divorce me because I am not as well endowed as she wanted.  This is a different relationship and it is not fair to a bring that baggage into it, but I can't help wondering when I am down if something similar is happening again.

I don't know what to do.  I am wondering if I should sleep in the guest room so that I don't have to be constantly reminded of what I can no longer have.  I think about divorce, but that feels wrong and would be financially devastating.  My wife once told me I should just have an affair to deal with my needs.  I am not sure she really had thought through how she would feel about that.  I was incredibly hurt that I mean so little to her that she wouldn't mind having me leave.  For myself, I don't think an affair is an option since I get too emotionally involved with women that I am sexual with.  I know that I need to do something since my depression over this is starting to poison the rest of our relationship and adversely effect my work.

Sorry for the ramble and thanks for listening.

hotmetalman hotmetalman 51-55, M 51 Responses Nov 30, 2009

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I just want to add that if your wife suffers from depression. Menopause can be 10 time worse for her. I don't think women want to live in sexless marriages but, at menopause it's hard to feel anything with all that her body is going through. I found this part of my life a nightmare just putting one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. I'd say ready everything you can find on both subjects, and be real and understanding. Life doesn't revolve are your desires because menopause is a real *****.

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Like most of you men, I fell in love, worked hard, and raised a family. I did everything I thought I was suppose to do to take care of my family. I have been married now for the 2nd time 14 years. I am 61 and my wife is 52.

My wife was the most loving and caring person I knew. However, for the last 2.5 years I would have to say I lost my wife to her biological changes due to menopause like many of you. I decided to read all I could to understand all the changes that came about. Particularly the ones expanding on all the patience you need to prepare for along with showing her the love and understanding during this time of change. I did all this with my head up doing my part as I believe I should. Trying to make my wife feel like she was still a complete loving and caring person I always knew. I began to faulter however with my patience, she showed no desire for intimacy, and seemed to be proud of her new matriarcial abusive "I am Woman" attitude. Moving from what was best for the marriage unit to what was best for her. I then tried to find reading material for men and guidelines for how to cope with all of this. But, I was surprised to find that very little to nothing exists for men when it comes to a strategy to endure this time. All the material either written in books or articles related to everything we have to do in the area of understanding. I could not find one book for myself or my wife that was written giving women information about the tragedy of withholding intimacy from your husband during the crossover to there new found individual that they have become. It is almost like men don't count here and you just need to live with this change moving ahead in your life because the women had no responsibility here in doing their part. It may sound that I am being insensitive, but I guess it's time for a little selfishness on my part, or I will lose my own sanity.

I have spent now about 4 months mourning my loss. Trying to deny my feelings of who I am, but struggling with this with no clear outcome of how this will turn out. I am concerned that now she has her new life that I will be the next casualty of change in her life. Having an affair only complicates things, so that isn't an answer worth even pursuing because I love my wife. But, the longing for intimacy for what every man needs has to be addressed. I know so many of my friends who are struggling with this season of life and are having a hard time dealing with it. It's not the loss of desire on my wife's part that's killing me, but the lack of desire to do anything about it . Good luck guys and my hope is that you can continue to keep your marriage together during this time! Hang in there.....

I'm 51 and menopausal. Do you think women want to go though this? Do you think any of us women had a clue how menopause would effect us. I've had every symptom menopause could through at me it's not just hot flashes I've had all 34 Menopause Symptoms. It suck, and day to day one is left wondering if we'll wake up in the morning or die in our sleep. So, tie a string on it you don't know what suffering is.

I have just come to the truth that im going through the perimenopause beganing and OMGOSH i feel like I'm suffering through past horrible experiences. I agree tie that string and see where it might go 😓

Same as above

Another caring reply showing real compassion for a very real problem.
It is a shame that you are so wrapped up in your own issues that you can't manage to help ease someone else's pain.
I pity you

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I am truly sorry and relate so much to what your saying

This is a hard issue and one that destroys marriages. All credible research shows that men are more interested in sex than women:
To go without wanted sex is hard, but having unwanted sex is hard, too. No easy answers.

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I am going thru the same we all are here, I have given 10 years of my life to this women, I have treated her better then I treat my self, but if a women is like a car (a wise men said ) it's time to get a new one or at least one with less miles.

It seems many of us are in the same group (new relationships that are amazing and then, it hits, no sex, no touching, etc). It drives me nuts

I,m leaving mine! This women I do not know and did not sign up to be with. Sure sure sure.... Women will say all manner of and to the defense of this position. But if e roles reversed and all the sudden the husband changes and become a god dam freak monster from hell. Then I bet the race would end there. So keep your defensive comments for the uneducated. Women get a blank check to say do and act in any manner they choose user the banner of menopause. Well brother you don't hav to lay down for it. There meds they can take that lesson the effects of this debilitating marriage crushing causality. Don't take excuses and you have a right to be happy. If you love her and it's not an issue for you to live in a sexless marriage then stay and be supportive. However it seems to me it is. Run and run fast. It doesn't get any better. Trust me. It's a horrible lie perptraited on unsuspecting men whom walk head first into a great big life of ****!

I am with you,time to get a younger women...sorry but every thing comes to an end....even life.

Really topical response!! I wish you the best because the next journey might be worse babe

Typical lol

Regarding breaking the vow as the wife no longer supports the husband’s need like someone mentioned in this thread; think of it like you were on a journey with your companion, at one point the companion can no longer keep pace with you and you give the companion the ultimatum whether to move at your speed (or do something about it) or you would split and go on with another companion. That seems very rough and downright unkind!
I’m 60 and my wife a year younger, we have no intimacy nearly 4 years (but I must say that she had huge libido prior to the menopause that started around 54). I know what she went through, the restless nights of hot flash, the change of body, all that took a toll on her psyche and self-esteem. My wife don’t want hormone treatment fearing possibility of cancer and I support her decision. Why would I want to jeopardize her health just to satisfy my sexual desire (often embellished as a manifestation of love). I always find satisfaction and happiness when give than receive, this is my personal experience when it comes to Christmas. I love the brightened up faces and smiles when receiving my gift while I always concern and often worry when receiving gifts from my family from wondering what they will be going through from getting me gifts (personal debt, sacrifice what they want for themselves). I’m now strictly on flying solo and lots of it (hey, it’s not bad all, feels like I’m going back to my teen years ... ) however I always keep that discreet as I don’t want to upset my wife from thinking that she did not fulfill her role as a wife. But far from it, she went through all the pain (from child bearing) and hard work (cooking, cleaning ... her work never stops until bed time) to always be by my side. Instead of focusing on the broken spoke on the wheel and blame it for not spinning ... perhaps we should step back to see the larger picture that the axle is no longer in one piece. Instead of dumping the cart and run to town to get a different one, I would unpack the goods and attach to the donkey and continue the trip. It may not be comfy as I have to walk along the donkey but it sure beats the run around to find another cart and in the end ... there’s no guarantee that other cart is full proof of problems. Moreover, why would I want to tear a family apart just because my wife can no longer support one facet of marriage life? And how long my libido will last to justify the mayhem that I could have put my family through? (or perhaps the replacement wife would find me inadequate for her needs after few years and dump me instead!)
I hope that you all will find a suitable solution as I have found mine and I sleep much better now!


I have just signed up to this new way of life of the web. And what im experiencing of what you and your wife are going through i applaud you on your statement. Truly you have kept in your heart what I will say is a form of true love!! For better or worse.! Although I feel like I've been hit by an extreme dose of crazy! Finding your statement is amazing to me and I hope my spouse finds the rememberance of what we built together as important as you have so kindly shared with the world!! Thank you for as kids say telling it like it is

I get this is an old post but the problem still remains. I have mixed feelings about this post. First, there are a lot of us in this boat. Second, sad to say I read no good or happy endings. I am 58 my wife 60. She is still a very attractive woman and still only woman I want. We have been together si.ce 1999. Sex was the best for a few years. Then just stoped. Like many post here, there is no desire to have derysire. Even worse no desire to even talk about it. Like many of you again even the subject makes her angry. I get the whole menopause thing but I am convinced there is more to this. Every once in awhile I have a sexual dream about my wife and feel so horney for weeks and feel maybe theirs hope and again always to hit that wall ofr rejection, dissapointment and sadness. She little remarks to me that hurt. I know sex is in the mind first and that makes me wonder if some new stud were to show up in her life, I almost bet she would suddenly and quickly be in the mood again. Again i understand menopause but I also know to many women in menopause who love thereu man and sex is still exciting and great. And I see from reading this thread there is a common bordom with our women towards us. Im tired and done.

Please forgive spelling and grammer but 10 years of this makes me shake with anger.

I know how you feel Keiffer. My wife has been on this ride for almost ten years. Menopause effects all women differently. My wife lost all sex drive at the beginning, then intercourse became painful which made it worse. She won't do oral or anal or use her hands on me. There was a three plus year period where there was nothing other than me giving her a massage and getting off on my own at the end. She did bio-identical HRT for a time and it was awesome, like she was 17 again. Then she got scared and her provider wanted to keep increasing dosage, so she stopped completely, which meant no more sexual intercourse for more years. She then had her GYN give her Rx HRT, estrogen only, which allowed for four minutes of intercourse per week. Amazing how that seemed awesome to me. Then we did a very difficult trip to a third world country where she got really sick (down there) and now I can't even touch her other than a hug or kiss. She seems to be trying but this has been very difficult for me. Like you I still love my wife and don't want to have sex with anyone else, but sex is a big part of the relationship, and I am very conflicted and frustrated. At this point I am basically "on my own" when it comes to sexual activity. So you are not alone Kiefer. I don't have the answers for you, but do suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your wife. I have done this and at least she knows how I feel.

A lot of what you say sounds very familiar to me.

I believe I read somewhere that when a woman passes through the menopause her libido can increase, stay the same or decrease. Seems like your wife and mine unfortunately fall into the last category. I guess this is the most common one anyway.

My wife and I met in 2007 through an internet dating site. At that time she could not get enough of me and it was me that was saying "not tonight, I'm knackered". This was a situation I was quite happy with because I like my woman to be the one pestering me for sex some of the time. Kind of makes you feel wanted.

As the years have passed, our sex like has dwindled to nothing. If I was somehow insensitive physically or in other ways she would have told me but she hasn't, she is just not interested. At first it used to make me angry but now I am just resigned to the fact that it will be Astroglide and my own mits from now until I lose the will or the ability myself.

I have talked to her about it and tried a few ideas but no go. She always agrees that it is a problem and we should try and do something about it but never follows up.

If things were they other way around and I had lost my sex drive and she was still getting hot and horny, I would try to meet her half way. Getting naked together, getting out the sex toys, fooling around, having showers together etc. It would give me pleasure to know I was giving pleasure to her. She just seems to be completely selfish, "My hormones have switched off so that's it, no more sexy fun, tough luck".

I have thought about playing away but could I really stand the guilt, it would probably be the beginning of the end.

Sorry I haven't come up with any answers. It is kind of good to rant out into the ether though and know that other blokes are going though the same thing.

danthegeek, you are choosing to live a celibate life because your wife is selfish and does not love you the way you love her. It's highly likely that her selfishness extends to other areas of your life, too. Do the good things in your marriage outweigh the bad enough that you feel your life would be worse if you set yourself free to be available for the kind of love you desire and that is normal in a marriage or romantic relationship?

I agree. I am done being understand when my wife could care less wether she understands me and what this feels like. Maybe its time for me to just think of me and be selfish. Ten years of trying to be understanding of her and going without sex while being a still highly sexually charged being is to long.

Dan, you are not alone - any updates? I appears lots of us are experiencing same. The no "followup" drives me nuts. I constantly mention little things but she never follows up. I know she is going through a hard time, but there are 2 people.

She could please you , give you relieve , touch you suck you , without intercourse , just layback and enjoy ,

I am going through that. My husband is Latino and """"""". You don't want to know. Anyway if you take Vitamin E pills; about 200 mil. a day; it can get a woman eventually up, and running they say. After a few weeks

This is an old thread, yet timeless. Women and men have been in these roles for generations. My father committed suicide over 20 years ago and I wonder if this was not a factor.<br />
<br />
All of us guys have the same story. Yes there is the aberrant female who (posts here and elsewhere) are not typical or the women we love.<br />
<br />
My wife essentially has given me the choice - very rare sex or she dies from cancer (from taking HRT). We love our wives. Who amongst us would choose to intentionally kill our wives. As men we are asked to consider the feelings of our wives, but never in this are they to consider ours. We are asked to be patient, but for how long? This thread has proven once again this is just another ploy. Once women enter medapause, it simply means less to NO sex for guys. <br />
<br />
I have 2 sons and a son-in-law who I am seriously considering explaining the elderly birds and bees. The whole sex thing with women is a scam. They get kids and grandkids. They sacrifice having sex with us. Their ob<x>jective is to get us to love them enough by the time they get into medapause that we will not opt for a newer model.

Husker, you get in life what you expect and what you're willing to settle for, and in your case that's accepting a sexless marriage even though your wife is capable of sexually satisfying you in a variety of ways. I am older than you and have sex a few times a week with my post sexless marriage lover. I have other women friends who are around my age and even 10 years older who happily have sex at least weekly.

I divorced last year from a 34-year marriage of which the last 8 years and many others were completely sexless. Emotional and sexual intimacy were important to me so I had the courage to get out of a marriage that was providing me neither. When it comes to my sons, I tell them that sexual compatibility is important in romantic relationships, and if they are in a situation in which their partner is able to provide them with sexual fulfillment, but refuses, then instead of settling for a sexless relationship, they should end the relationship and make themselves available for a relationship with a person who is able and willing to love them the way they wish to be loved.

I've had sex with my wife about 15 times in 15 years. After menopause she's had zero interest in sex and also zero interest in even trying to get her libido back. On the rare occasions when she decided to go through with the act, she will lie there like a board with a hole in it. the act is so weird that it's not worth even going thru with it anymore. My wife hates sex. I spend days just trying to keep myself from blowing up because I am so frustrated. It's bizarre.

We understand. That is part of the scam.


This response is 4-1/2 years you made your initial post. So, I don't know if mine will help you now in the least. But perhaps it might help others.

My wife and I both came from large families, and (unlike most everyone else in the world I know) wanted also to have a large family (neither of us regret that). Our many children, 2/3 are currently married, and the growing number of grandchildren is a source of joy (worry over posterity never ends, but neither does the happiness and "joie de vivre" they bring).

Up until 4 or 5 years ago, I thought my wife and I were in a fairly ideal (though never perfect) marriage (whose marriage is?). From before marrying, we always have said that ours is a non-divorce marriage. And, we had sex with decent frequency, and at least physically, it was still fairly good, until at least 4 or 5 years ago).

However, menopause and an earlier period in my wife's mental health, (I learned just over 6 months ago) has (for now nearly 18 years) meant that she (as she put it), "Quit believing in me." [since men's interpretation of 'love' includes that as a MAJOR component—I found out I've been, in her heart, in a largely 'loveless' marriage nearly half our married life—which was and is no small thing at all for me]!

The period in question was when, being self-employed (as I have been for all but the first year of our marriage), and lost several big clients who were, from the late 1980's until about the mid-1990's, by-far-and-away my biggest accounts (they were all 'diamonds' of a major 'multi-level' firm, who, simultaneously, went 'cheap').

We had struggled before, financially. And I knew we could work out of it again. But, it was too much for her, emotionally, and she had her doctor put her on a popular psych medication for a year or so.

I'm diabetic, and 2 or 3 years or so ago, began having 'Erectile Dysfunction' or 'ED' issues (thought I'd spell it out for the uninitiated in that phrase and acronym). I started out skinny when we married, and between her great cooking and my desk job, I've put some weight on, (but so has she).

There are a bit more than half a dozen years between us (I'm older). But two or three years ago, she began telling me, in no uncertain terms, that if she never had sex again with me, that would be fine by her. (She started going through menopause in her late forties). And, certainly, my ED problem became a problem for her, given how long it took me to 'get off' (if I ever did).

Well, I told her then that that would not be fine by me. She is still (to me) very attractive. We're both overweight, as I said. But, I have come to love her being that way even more than I thought I would when we first married. And, for all of our marriage (over a third of a century) I've told her genuinely, many times a day, day in and day out, both how beautiful she is and how much I love her, in many different ways (though she has virtually never initiated any communication of the kind to me. She sometimes, but not always, will say she loves me, but ONLY AFTER I've said I love her).

Anyway, as in any marriage, there are MANY issues, both directions.

Having read all the post on this thread, I believe I've gained more valuable insights than I've found elsewhere before.

One small thing I've noticed that might help a few others is this—

When my wife and I have sex (which in the past half a year are down to about just once a week—which I'm sure would be fantastic for many of you, even though that once too often makes me feel more like I'm using my wife merely to pleasure myself - but seldom has she been all that responsive either vocally or in other ways since our marriage began), I have found that while she said what she did say above, and often enough hints that that is still her position, I find that almost every time we have intimate relations, I have long pleasured her before I've attempted penetrating. And almost always, I hear the 'pleasure swallows' or 'gulps of pleasure', much like you hear a puppy or dog give when you give them a treat, from her when I pleasure her. So, I know she's getting something good, at least physically—despite what she might tell me otherwise.

With my ED problem, I have tried to reduce frequency, to help ME improve my 'potency'. But, also, taking lots of walks helps keep my blood flow better otherwise, and especially 'in bed'.

I'm going to work more at trying to lose the fat, and trim down. My youngest son, age 18, lost over 80 lbs between 2012 and last year! He's inspired me. He now stays trim. And I'm working to increase my income and try keep it coming in more at a consistently higher level, if possible. Money isn't everything. But, without enough of it, the devil, and a long financially disappointed wife, won't let you forget it (such disappointments are always somewhere in the background, if seldom or ever spoken).

And, I've already begun developing and more consistently practice better habits in helping out much more around the house. Both little and big things together add up. Not bringing home enough 'bacon' made her lose respect for me. I'm going to try to regain it (if I EVER had it), and try to gain her perception of me physically too, as attractive. (I may not have a problem with her extra weight – I gained an understanding in my 30's why Europeans of centuries back portrayed somewhat 'bigger' women—the 'more' to love is 'good'], but due to lack of any genuinely felt compliments from her by me), I don't think the perspective is mutual.

So, my belief is is that her being turned off to sex is, to perhaps a great extent, as much, if not much more, her being turned off to and by me. And, I'm going to try to change that as much as is possible! Wish me luck!

I am in the same predicament and it is a battle with my emotions everyday. Consequently, I am getting tired of fighting. I know that it is a natural phase for my wife but I can not help feeling deprived. To describe my feeling would be loneliness and lost!

I can relate to all these stories....The last ten years have been hell culminating with her asking me for a divorce on July 24th. We're going to counseling now with not much success. Everything I do or say is not enough. Her bad decisions and mood swings have aliented our sons and myself. She rarely leaves the house to do anything fun, mostly jigsaw puzzles or reading or soduku. Sex was never big with her since the marriage began but twice in three years has brought me to my knees. I brought up the fact that her menopause was the issue but neither her or the female counselor would acknowledge it. I have to visit that again after reading all these postings. I can't take being pounded on every week by two females that may BOTH have menopausal issues and don't want to admit to it.

I agree with the poster above who said "The problem is not just the lack of desire, it's the lack of desire to get the desire back." Men hear day after day about understanding our women and even about being more like them. NO information or social pressure is being exerted to encourage women to understand their men.

Monogamy implies that someone is having sex and Celibacy is the lack of sex. If women want their monogamous marriage to exist, then step up and be a great sex partner. Not merely a monthly "ok are you done yet partner" but one who tries to be sexier, learn better techniques, dress sexy, and shows us that she really wants sex with us. We love YOU after all and you have a home court advantage over all the other women of the world.

As for ED, my experience is that it is largely mental. That means that we have trouble in relationship to having sex with you over issues in our marriage. Yes meds an help but helping the mental change is easy... give us mental emotional and physical pleasure and voila!

If you don't want to be a stellar sex partner for your husband, then YOU have two options: 1) encourage him to find a girlfriend for sex or 2) help him RENT one. Nobody says "I Do" to forced Celibacy. That is a violation of your vows just as surely as having an affair is.

I agree with you. It's lack of desire to get desire back that's the worst.

Hello I'm sorry to hear your story. I am in a similar position only I'm the woman. I want sex and love and affection ask the time it seems. My husband is 11 years older than me and had lost his drive. He has had ed for the last 16 years of the 25 we have been together. We manage through it. Since I am going through menopause now sometimes I can't even wash my breasts without getting turned on. He is trying. .. but it just seems like am obligation to me. I can tell he is great broke too. But dang. .... Idk what to do. I don't feel he finds me attractive anymore. Not like that anyway.

claimit, well I feel for you. I would suggest he try HRT as I did. My muscular form, desire, and normal errections returned. The desire is what was missing. I did this for her but my health improved also we both won 5 years ago. Now she is going thru menohell and at this point does not even like me touching her, will not consider anything else outside of intercourse, and will not even consider HRT for herself. I understand the cancer risk but that goes both ways. I love her very much and have faithfully for 31 years since we met. I could say more in this area but I will not in hopes we can make it thru this period. I wish there would have been more notice about menohell, manohell, but then that's life its full of surprises, small continuous tears of ones heart and pondering of what did I do wrong etc. I thought it was me and she says it is not. I am likely an average guy and often keep quiet about my blessings; however, I have had to push other women away thru the years. At 6'-3" 200 lbs with a muscular shape making $300,000 a year I am here to tell other men, its not always about the most common things we all think you need to have a relationship. We have two daughters 25 and 20 yrs old. The way I see it one must show love of equal amounts to make a marriage work well, sometimes that means sacrifice. Oh well I am rambling with no solutions and feeling like I am nothing special, esp to my wife anymore. Hell I feel hurt, and that's the way it is some day I may get over it, if I do not maybe that's the scary part. Best wishes on trying to get him to try HRT. Remember love must go both ways, life is not a one way street.

Wow, your story has many similarities to mine. My wife and I are 57. She began menopause about 5 years ago. Many women "cruise" through with few problems. My wife has had lots of issues with emotions, digestion, sleep, metabolism and sexuality. Bio-Identical HRT helped but providers tend to over-dose the patient which greatly increases risk of cancer, so she stopped that after 6-9 months. It was great while it lasted. Cold turkey after that, vaginal thinning, too painful forany intercourse. Practiced outercourse for about 2 years, then she started very low dose Estradiol creme vaginally 2x weekly making intercourse possible, but no marathons please. We have finally reached a point where I get a weekly dose of intercourse and she does all she can to make it very pleasurable for me. As I need it more than 1x I am on my own for extra sessions, not looking elsewhere. She understands my needs and we have worked it out. Lots of talking and trying different things. Men are sexual beings. We have a genetic disposition to want intercourse to propogate our species. If we don't get sex it effects us in many ways. And flying solo does not eliminate these effects. Hope this helps....please talk to your wife!

I am female, helping my high school LOVE get Iinsight into his crime. Premenopausal sights are an interesting read and repressed anger. We are approaching 70, he was 48, his wife was 46. Good chance both were menopauSal, both had histories that should have been addressed. Good people, church goers, raised great children, looked fine to the world.
Your stories are familiar, he went for an emotional affair, a fight ensued, tragedy struck.

"Aanger and Forgiveness" by Raymond LLloyd Richmond
is a great place e to start,

My loved one has been in prison 20 years, I would definitely take denial of sex seriously.

ymond LLOYD RICHMOND is a great place to start.

Hello Sir,
Don't worry , you are not in this alone. Me and my wife are having to deal with this issue right now even though it hasn't been diagnosed as Menopause yet. I have been doing loads of research on this, the symptoms and all that goes with it. Me and my wife have always had a really spontaneous and regular love life and all of a sudden she lost all interest in sex and in me in general and became depressed, and having drastic mood swings and it seemed that she was ill with me all the time. I also had a wife in the past that cheated on me regularly so in the back of my mind Her !00% attention and need for me turning into 0% nearly completely sent me into a panic mode . I even asked her if she had someone else on her mind ,which led into something else ....that eventually led into a three day fight to the point that we were ready to just call it quits.
I didn't realize what was happening and I thought that I had done something to cause the depression and to drive her away from me. Not understanding that there was an underlying issue, my frustrations caused me to over react and cause the problem to become even bigger than it was to begin with. Now she's not only having to deal with the emotional and physical changes that are happening and that she didn't understand ,but she also had a husband that felt neglected, abandoned,confused, unloved and depressed and getting angry at the situation, wondering what I did to make her so angry and indifferent and that pushed her into harder mood swings and a deeper depression and simply made the whole situation worse.
I would advise doing all the research that you can to understand the emotional and physical changes that come with Menopause. It can be very confusing sometimes and can leave you standing there with your hands up in the air wondering what just happened.
You obviously love her or you wouldn't be seeking the advice that you are seeking. I am no Dr and no expert at any of this and the only advice that I can give you is to be patient and to pay attention to the signs as they happen. You will begin to be able to tell the difference between what's menopause symptoms and just having a bad day. I am starting to learn this myself and even though it can be a painfully slow process, it can and will make a difference in your lives together. Just keep your distance when you have to, and be there for her when she needs you. She may not always be open to hear what you have to say, even when things seem alright at the time but try to give her the positive reinforcement that she needs, when she needs it and she will come around.
I hope that this has been of some help to you.

I understand the cheating fear. I thought my first wife and later a girlfriend were cheating on me. I just asked if everything was ok with us? and asked are you seeing someone else. They both blew there tops just by the question. They both said how could you ever think such a stupid thought and what kind of person do you think I am. Guess what? They were. Both with what I thought were friends of mine.

Hello my friend, this is a supportive and positive reply with some information that will help you deal with this issue and hopefully address all the issues on the table and is very simple.

Here are two drugs to consider~

$40.00 - [50 pills / 100mg] Microgest 100mg (Progesterone)

$31.87 - [8pk] Oesclim estradiol patch (i.e., the patch should be changed once every 3 to 4 days)

The progesterone would be taken with the patches IF it is needed. The progesterone is ONLY if she needs and you should ask your doc if this is the case or you can do some quick online reading about it and see if it is something based on our knowledge of your wife if she should take.

The oesclim patches are to address not only her physical changes and issues BUT should also aid in jump starting her sex drive.

IGNORE the responses from some of these bitter / negative individuals with the exception of trying to find new ways to entice your mate. I am considering a change myself in how I treat my life. I will also try and be more supportive. I believe I have been but that does not mean that is how it is perceived, you should sit down and discuss the options listed above as well as begin to work on yourself and seem 'less interested'. Once she starts on the medication and you showing lack of interest (coupled with beginning to work out and outward appearance) might actually encourage her to go on the offensive because you 'dont care' :) . Just some advice.

OH and dont cheat on her, you inspired me today. Please dont loose hope.

Ok my thoughts.. I am 58 soon to be 59. I take bio identical hormones and lift weights. I can still want sex. I still look at men. There isn't a constant need anymore but I get off four times a week.. Desire starts in the brain. Maybe the women are bored with their husbands . I know I am with mine. Finally told him that he needs to read and change his style and I need to be responsible and tell him what I like and don't like.. We are all sexual until we die.. There is more than menopause going on with your wives . I don't think most men know how to f$$$. Once is not enough. One position is not enough. Lots more foreplay. Slow sex once in a while .. Teasing playful .. That is so important .. Set a mood .. Have a long session.. Build the sex with your eyes open and the curtains wide open.

If she suggested that you have an affair, then I hope you have a good pre-nup

The bottom line is this. If you are going weeks and then months routinely without having intercourse with your partner, when they want it and you are healthy enough to provide it, you are abusing them. A lack of desire because of hormonal changes is no reason to refuse your man or woman. Do so at your own risk because most people will not wait very long until they start looking elsewhere for the affection that they need.<br />
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I'm 35 and my wife seems to have menopausal symptoms. She is 42. The problem is not just the lack of desire, it's the lack of desire to get the desire back. I think she may finally getting it now because I have made it clear, under no uncertain terms, that sex is something that I need and constant refusal is not acceptable. Hopefully that translates into actions because WARNING procrastination also seems to be a symptom. Why do today what you can do tomorrow... or next month... or next year.<br />
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Because my wife is younger than most women who enter menopause I believed this was a passive aggressive disorder, but I am starting to suspect that it is early onset of menopause. <br />
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The bottom line is this. Get your butt off the couch, get on a treadmill, break a sweat and your libido will probably come back. If that doesn't work, see a doctor and consider HRT. But if you just do nothing and expect your man to hang around, go ahead and buy a few cats now because you're well on your way to being that single "cat lady" down the street playing bingo on Saturday nights.<br />
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The notion that men have no right to sex from their wives is downright ignorant. As is the opposite... you lazy men not giving it up to you're wives are pathetic. If you can't stick it, lick it. Get your limp butts to the gym. The problem is mostly that people are too damn lazy to try to help save their marriage. If that's you, maybe your marriage isn't worth saving.<br />
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I'm all about being supportive of this transition and helping your woman through it. But women must realize that men don't turn their engines off when yours shuts down. Keep it tuned, or they'll find another mechanic.

Oh dear, this is such a painful thread of comments for me to read. I truly don't believe that menopause has to make women go off sex. For many women, sex in their fifties and beyond gets better and better as they are not so tired by looking after small children and they also don't need to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. As I have said elsewhere, I am 53, went through menopause quite early (around 41, not many years after I had my kids) and, having spent the years looking after my children when younger and also caring for my stroke-disabled father, now passed on, I have more energy tp spare and would love to be married to a guy who wanted to *** me senseless!. I think about sex all the time, look at ***** and am really keen on having sex - but unfortunately am married to a man 13 years old whose libido has vanised and who has ED. So all you say about your wives is true of my husband- being pushed away, sleeping in different rooms, him not liking me to get naked. I reckon BTW that for menopausal women, exercise (gym etc) is key, as this will keep your body young and you won't see the same signs of aging. And it also raises testoterone and seratonin levels which make you feel horny. Encouraging your wives to take exercise is a start. My body is better now then when I was in my twenties and I want to use it to give someone pleasure ....sigh. Why is nature so cruel?

Pick me, pick ME! :)

I've been in the same situation for about 8 years. My wife's 61 and I'm 60. We have 'sex' about once every two months and it's about ten minutes of her reluctantly giving herself up, knowing its been about two months, and my attempting to make it as 'painless' (not that there's any physical discomfort for her) as possible for her. She says "she wants to," but I'd have to been an absolute idiot to believe that. I feel guilty because it's obvious that she doesn't and yet I'm still taking advantage of the situation. We sleep in separate bedrooms, but that's actually a great arrangement. She wants to stay up later, watch a different show, I'm in and out of bed, occasional snoring, and after 35 years of marriage getting a good nights sleep, taking up the entire bed is a luxury. This has nothing to do with love, and romantic intimacy, give me a break...we've been together close to 40 years in all. I understand her lack of desire. Her chemistry has radically changed. Over the last two years or so, I've backed off and left initiation up to her, and as I've said, she does it reluctantly when she feels she can put it off no longer. I graciously accept, feeling a bit like a jerk, but if she is doing it for me then I will accept it like a gift and while making it as easy as possible for her. Obviously my sex drive isn't what it was when I was 20. If I ********** it takes me a couple of days before the drive kicks in again. That's great. The problem is that if I ********** in the morning and then we go out, she decides that tonight's the night, I'm less than 'capable.' This is probably a relief to her, but for me it's like I've missed the 'one plane out' and the next is a month or two down the road. So I avoid self gratification if I think this might be a 'lucky' week. How stupid this all is, and for what? Frankly, I could live without sex if I'd just forget about it, but there is something about 'being a man' that makes sex, and having an erection, an integral part of what one is. The little blue pills re-establish that identity and then you're 'all dressed up with no place to go.' They must be the over 50 women's nightmare. It's a fallacy that men maintain their strong sex drive. Men WANT to maintain their strong sex drive because it's been so much a part of their identity all their lives. Yes, we still have a sex drive while many postmenopausal women have none, but ED isn't just a 'blood flow' problem. It's also connected to the brain and the brain is saying that sex just isn't as important as it was. However, we can't accept that because for most of our lives, sex was all we'd think about. I'm one of these guys and I think my obsession with sex now is more a fear that I'm no longer truly obsessed with sex, therefore I'm no longer who I used to be and I'm getting old. I say to myself that I wish my wife remained the sexual being she was in our 30s, but in reality if she was, I'd be popping blue pills like an addict and still coming up 'short.' Then I'd really feel old and inadequate. The bottom line is that my wife no longer wants to have sex and I still do, but I really don't want to have it as often or as much as I 'think' I do, or as I come across as wanting it. Most of it is trying to prove to myself that I'm still what I was, which I'm not. Accepting that as a positive thing is very difficult, and I could blame our youth oriented culture, etc...but once a month would be nice...

I can totally relate to you. My wife would be happy if she never had to have sex again. One month becomes two and two months becomes three and she starts to feel as if she has to do something , so breaks down and initiates sex that she does not want to have. It's usually a 10-15 session in which there is no full penetration. she can't wait for it to be over. I go through with it cause it's the only sex i get so i take advantage of it. I never initiate sex anymore, cause she never wants it. She will do anything to avoid sex or talking about it. she gets up at 5 in the morning for regular workouts with her trainer, but when it comes to sex, she's always tired and can't possibly wake up early for that. it's been 15 years since any real sex. there have been occasional session, maybe once per year and most of those not to full completion. it makes me grumpy during the day and sometimes i don't even want to interact with her cause the "elephant in the room", is always hanging over us.

I am a woman going through menopause at 51 even though I had a hysterectomy in my early forties. I have been on the hormone patch for two years and this still hasn't helped. I truly have no sexual desire for anyone, but especially my husband. WHY? Because he has made the issue of sex to the the core of our relationship over the years and all I have felt like is a vessel for his use. Now it's also resentment because of how he handles the turn down of sex, even when our sex life was great and the times I did turn him down how he acted like an immature child (and still does) and how he gets nasty and downright mean. Who would want to be with someone who talks to you like that and treats you like crap? Someone who has threatened to pack his crap and leave or say he wants a divorce every time he didn't get it and the argument got out of hand? For years I would give in just to shut him up but now, not so much. I have taken a stand and have decided that I am going through this and he needs to be understanding and supportive just as I have these past fourteen and a half years. I who stood by him when he was on his drugs and walking the streets all hours of the day and night and even put himself homeless for a week. Who two years ago almost died because of his neglect of himself and gave himself an infection that attacked every major organ in his body and ended up with a stroke, MRSA, and open heart surgery. I, who took care of him after all that and even after that helping him with his shoulder replacement surgery and therapy. When he was in the hospital with his stroke and everything, he basically lost his mind and started accusing me of having an affair with his former best friend, right across the hall in the hospital and has kept accusing me of having an affair because if we aren't having sex, I must be having sex with somebody. I have never, ever had an affair on my husband, and have told him the exact reasons, besides the menopause of why I don't want to have sex with him (or anybody). With everything that I have put up with him these past fourteen years, I wouldn't dare be involved with anybody else. Who needs the hassle? I just want him to be understanding, compassionate, and supportive while I am dealing with this because it's not just emotional, its also physical and psychological. But my husband is only thinking about himself and getting off because he can't do it himself because of the shoulder surgery, which wasn't a success. So to all those guys out there who are worrying about getting laid by their wives who are going through menopause, think about how you have treated her over the years and during this time and how you have talked to her and treated her during those times when she wasn't into even before menopause. I am completely turned off by my husband because of how he has treated me and talked to me and always threatens to leave me. Go ahead, it's called desertion. Especially after everything I can tell his lawyer and the judge of what I have put up with all these years. Go ahead leave. I will eventually get through this menopause and find somebody else that might appreciate me because even though I am 51 I have been asked by people who see me if I am my daughter's or son's sister and they are in their mid to late twenties.

A pretty selfish view and who doesn\'t understand men or your own partners needs. I\'m hearing a lot about how men should understand their partner\'s menopause and how they should adjust and change, but not once have I read how a wife or female partner can help and facilitate this difficult time for men. It is far harder for men to go through menopause than women. Something missed by the female authors of all the posts Ive read. Do women forget that they are in a relationship and needs need to be met by both parties in order for it to harmonius. I\'m reading a lot about how the relationship might not have been that good before menopause and that\'s why sex disappears during this time. There is plenty of scientific evidence to know that libido is drastically affected by menopause, so I see this as just a cop out by women so they don\'t have to deal with \"another issue\".There are plenty of good men who sacrifice and compromise everything to save their marriage or to make things better but is largely not seen or misconstrued by their partners. A person can only do so much and bear only so much emotional stress before it comes tumbling down. On a personal level it has been a very difficult and emotionally heart wrenching time to deal with this. Talking to doctors, psychologists and others help but action is what is really needed. Menopausal women need to be mindful and understand that men have feelings as well and can themselves help a lot more than they actually do. It is afterall a partnership

This posting hits home. I feel exactly the same as Skase57 does about this subject. My wife and I have had heated discussions and emotional strife as a result of menopause. Women don't realize how much intimacy and sexual activity means to men in terms of self esteem and physical & mental well being. The lack of desire along with physical and mental changes makes it seem like it's something they "have to do" on that weekly or monthly basis as opposed to something they want to do to make their husband happy. Just lie there while we get it over with as quickly as possible. To a certain degree my wife will allow me to do some fantasy talk and touching that does not involve intercourse (pretty much I do the touching and ask her to tell me what I want to hear, but when we are able to have intercourse, the actual time we are doing it is all of three minutes...."make it quick" which I can sort of understand because of the sensitivity, but she just does not want to get willingly involved in stimulating me. She also does not want me to stimulate her in any way as it feels weird or bugs her. I have to initiate every action, do pretty much all the work, and the boundary lines are clearly drawn. No oral, no anal, no hand action (willingly or enthusiastically). I typically get some form of sexual activity once a week which consists of a) visual stimulation while I am ************ or b) outercourse and my ************ or c) three minute intercourse opportunity. The typical session involves me giving her a massage (back, neck, shoulders, feet, legs, butt) which makes me horny and ready for sex. Then it is like: "Okay so are you really, really ready?" She just really wants to get this over with and get back to chores like fixing dinner. For me it is the highlight of my week and I wish it could be three times a week. I feel like a starving man who only gets to eat one small meal a day. I get penetrative sex for an average of about eight minutes a month total. We struggle with these issues and have done so for the last five years. Can't say I am not tempted to stray, but like many "real men" sex and emotions are inseparable, and guilt is a huge burden to bear. I can't be two people at once, even though my wife has made remarks like "go get a hooker" to me. Not my style.

I am "living" the same lifeless marriage of 23 years to a beautiful woman who would rather sleep with our dogs and kiss them good night than the guy that has worked his *** off to pay for the house her car, the kids college and "our retirement. Physiologists have know for a thousand years that guys want to be intimate until they die and women "dry up" by age 60. Why the hell hasn't our normal male biology been recognized and some alternatives made available? We get fed up,depressed, feel rejected, pissed, leave our wives of numerous years, lose 1/2 of everything that we have worked so hard for. There is NOTHING in our community support system to help us except punishment and ridicule for "wanting some good sex occasionally" as our normal physiology would dictate. When is society going to recognize what men have been like for thousands of years. I'm sure that was one of the initial reasons for the development of prostitution. It is NOT A CRIME for a 65 year old man to want to have some wonderful sex with an "understanding woman" . It is not a crime for that woman to WILLINGLY give us what is a NORMAL biological need for a man of our species. I would not mind spending the dollars for a nice dinner, a nice room, some flowers and a bottle of good champagne, plus a good hourly wage, to be with a women that still enjoys being romanced and made love to and with. <br />
When is society going to get it?? I think that there would be less child molesting, *********** and other sexual deviation if society understood and supported older married men with some sort of legal, honorable option for us guys that are very tired of being "single" married men, taking lots of cold showers, and dating "Rosy"if you get my allegorical reference.<br />
Thanks for listening and i hope that we all don't burn in hell as one religious counselor said to me when I related this idea to him.

Hey, this is becoming really anti-women!! I am a 53 year old woman who actually went through menopause at 41. I am DESPERATE for sex and am married to a 65 year olf man who has lost all his libido and also can't get an erection. I long to be touched all over and kissed all over and to make love properly, and I feel that I am pushed away - I get a pat on the arm or am told that I am 'tickling' him when I kiss his face. I ***** every night several times just to keep myself sane. So the menopause is not alone responsible or there is also a male menopause.

I need to weight in now and say that my wife's menopause was the true demise of our quality intimacy. My wife practices medicine so she knows! There just aren't many hormones any more. Throw in antidepressants and her desire is no where to be found. Oh, she still has sex with me every few weeks so I shouldn't complain. It's just not the same because her entire attitude has changed. <br />
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What used to be exciting has been replaced by the absence of any rush of sexuality. Honestly, it'll never come back, it's gone. Instead husbands like us get the evil eye just for displaying any type of actions that might make our wives think we want something. Yes! We do want something! We want to simply feel loved and desired. It doesn't mean its always sex. <br />
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The fallout is that all the little warm gestures are disappearing also. She thinks a hug will lead to sex so your wife keeps her distance. She becomes more guarded and the husband becomes hurt. It's a brutal cycle that repeats itself. The relationship becomes strained. I understand why she has changed but does it make it any easier to adjust to?

This is exactly what I am experiencing.

Hen said:: also wonder how many men experience meanness and wickedness from peri-menopausal and menopausal wives? <br />
My wife has been going thru perimenopasue for a couple of years. its a LOVE ROLLER COASTER!! occasionally she will show affection, usually it is hands off. No touching !

You don't know what I'm talking about because you have a "love roller coaster". I wish I had that. "Hands off / no touching" isn't nearly as bad by itself as it is coupled with her disrespect, criticism, paranoia and false accusations. She always said she had a grandmother that was mean all the time -- she must have gotten the genes.

I wonder who is really using the blue pills. With so much unwillingness from wives, what do old dudes need pills for. Seems to me there should be a pill that did the opposite. A man could take it to deflate his libido so he could stand it. <br />
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I also wonder how many men experience meanness and wickedness from peri-menopausal and menopausal wives? Most of what I have seen posted is about how men need to understand their wives. Why isn't there anything telling menopausal women what THEY ought to do? It is hard to get a word in edgewise to tell her how beautiful she is if she is always mouthing disrespectful things, mean things, contrary opinions, accusations,... basic continuous negativity.<br />
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Is there anyone out there for whom the meanness is worse than the lack of sex?


to me the worst thing is actually not the sex issue at all, or even the bad temper, its the apathy. She's gone from being a bright, smart lively woman to a couch potato. We are both self-employed and both work from home with no kids and were both pretty work focussed. Even as I type I can hear her watching Judge Judy at 11.00am. Thankfully, after months and months of signals she's identified the hormone issue but boy have I taken a beating.

Ironically the sex actually increased for us, but it wasn't part of affection, at least that's how it felt to me. This all co-incided with a big outside side swipe with a sick elderly parent, something which I gather can bring these things on.

My big gripe about this subject is that for all the vast panorama of the internet there is virtually nothing that states the case for men. Culture has made it so that men are expected to put a woman first no matter what is happening. Sadly if you are a sympathetic guy who would do anything for the woman you love including abstinence, if that saved the relationship, it makes no difference. The bitter pill I'm swallowing is not viagra.

Someone once told me a joke:

Q: why do little old men die before little old women?

A: Because they can.

Thanks for the commiseration. I agree with your observation that the case for men is ignored. The TV shows are all about women, as if all men are brutes and don't fulfill their wife's needs. Well, it comes down to the character of the person. If a person is selfish then the other person can keep on giving and keep on tolerating and nothing will change. By being the "good guy" you just enable the bad behavior.

I would hate to rely on drugs, and started out asking if so many men need blue pills, at least they must have a willing wife, but I think the drugs needed are for her.... hormones and/or lithium.... And if I need a pill, I need a pill that will kill my libido because I'm not going to need it the rest of my life, looks like.

And now I knw why prstitution is the worlds oldest profesion

I'm wondering if those sex-starved-sounding women on craigslist personals are real or just a chance to get on the 10 oclock news... Nah...I'm too scared to do anything like that...but it is something to wonder about.

The guilt and fear of disease and pregnancy just aren't worth it. Trust me on this and stick to Mary Palmer and her five dancing sisters...... and Youporn.

It is truly amazing how similar my experience is. Your story fits mine like a glove. Recently I started investigating this phenomenon : different sexual needs at different life-stages. What occured to me is that mostly its men lacking sex. Another fact is that in different cultures , sex are treated differently. Now why is it that in cultures where polygamy is allowed there are less paedofiles, pornographers, rapists , sex-freaks and vices? Who decided that monogamy is the ultimate answer to human sexuality? I think monogamy lies at the root of many social ills. With polygamy a man is in a stable , long-term supportive relationship with more than one wife. The wifes know each other and even support each other. This is no sexual paradise as normal relationship issues will exist in any situation. Fact is , when the older wife 'dont feel like it' , the polygamous husband can go to his other wife(s) for action. It works for a lot of people , why then must we suffer this celibacy???

Can I have more than one husband then, please?:) So when the older husband doesn't feel like it I can go to one of the other husbands for action?

Not so far-fetched! Isn't prostitusion some form of polyamory? I think there are some cultures where this is practised. So, be bold (-: Get some hunks lined up, (with their consent) and bob's your uncle!

What amazes me is the sudden dislike of ANY physical intimacy--even a hug, let alone a kiss--that has gone on for years. Is this a worldwide phenomenon (my wife is Japanese), or more of a cultural situation?

I have been in this situation so long that I am afraid to count the years and with no answers. The one thing that offers a little support is this forum. Legally most states and some countries (I have not investigated this) will grant a divorce for sexual abandonment (in this case, no sexual intercourse for over a year) of a spouse - irregardless of the reason if you file and wait until the courts hear the case. This at least demonstrates that we males suffer from something very central and understood to be at the core of the marital relationship - even if we "get lucky" once a month or two. I have been in therapy on my own but originally wanted my wife to join, however she refused. Due to the nature of therapy, I consider intimacies I choose to reveal within that fr<x>amework to be protected, discrete and am hopeful that I can move on. Yes the marriage has become dismal in spite of the sentiments and touching glimmers of what once was. It is in fact a living death and it hardly matters if the reason for lack of physical intimacy is physiological or psychological or a combination or if there is a different "real reason". I doubt my wife even considers that I have a need to know even if she had something concrete to tell me. The bottom line is that her sexless or more sexless menopause makes her as well as your sex life a phantom experience for you. And without her participation, we cannot hope to be any part of her post-menopausal life either. But we are not the bad apple she might find it convenient for herself to think we are...

I am a newcomer to this menopause blues, three weeks ago, seemingly out of the Blue my wife announced that after 30 years of being together and 24 years of marriage that she no longer what sex with me, so since then I have been sleeping on the lounge, all other rooms are taken by children.<br />
Any contact ever holding hands is now banned.<br />
I tried to suggest counciling etc , she insists there no point because she never wants to reconcile, I asked if she wanted me to move out and or see other woman and the answer was a definate "No", she checks my cell phone etc for any contact I may have made with the opposite sex.<br />
I do not know what to do, I cannot suggest that she may be suffering for symstoms of menopause because she has already stated that I am the problem and she is fine.<br />
We were have sex two to three times per week up until Feb 1st, now zero, Last Sunday evening I suggest that I go into the bedroom and close the door for ten minutes I could DO the Do by myself, that was send as being silly and selfish and that I was appempting to somehow make her feel guilty.<br />
Now the for the icing on the cake , my wife works in the adult entertainment industry and provides a massage service with a happy ending, she does this 5 nights a week till the early hours, I find it very difficult to exist in this environment, I love my wife to pieces and our three boys, it appears that I am trapped I cannot have sex with her or any other woman or even myself, I cannot leave and destroy the family, odes amyone have some good advice, will this situation subside with time at the moment we cannot even be in the same room as each other so even a brother and sister relationship would be a big improvement.,

I'm making a guess here but did something bad happen for her at the job?

This thread is quite frightening! Mem - doesn't understand what love is. I feel for you and wish you the best. (I moved into another room) If your wife is suggesting an affair, I know you have issues with that, but have you considered a bit of swing? Would she consider it?

I am in a similar situation. My wife has been menopausal going on two years and not good. We have not had intercourse in about a year and a half. Not only does she have no desire, she has vaginal thinning and atrophy, extreme dryness. Trying to penetrate her with lots of lubrication feels to her like a red hot poker being put into her, and she will bleed and be sore for a week, so we don't try. Talked about HRT and bio-identical HRT, side effects are scary. She has told me to "get a hooker" but I don't want to go there (not my style), or get a younger girlfriend for sex as I am sure I would become emotionally attached. Don't want to get a divorce. I am very virile and lack of penetrative sex weighs on me a lot. She never wanted to do oral for more than a couple of minutes once or twice a year at my request. We have practiced "outercourse" as a release but this doesn't really "do it" for me. Best has been when I get her to go to bed and "make out" like when we would make love (of course she doesn't get anything out of it but some physical intimacy or a back rub), but then there's nowhere to "put it in" so I would finish off myself. Not giving up yet. Trying different things (fleshlight) and want to do her anally. **** and ************ are my usual outlet, which makes our other encounters more difficult if anything.

So you are a kind loving partner and she sleeps like a baby even though you are totally miserable. I don't want anyone to "love" me like that. <br />
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She is either heartless or has a sexual aversion to you. Either is toxic.

I am 55 and my wife has been going through menopause for several years now! Right now (happily) she is a a phase where she feels good about herself sexually which she should. Therefore I am having a grand ole time but I have gone through 6 months or more where there was nothing. She couldn't wouldn't or whatever. Hang in there and let her know that she is sexy and who knows. <br />
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I am certainly no expert except for my experiences. We both are in a second marriage, we were about 40 when we married and I have no desires to look elsewhere and thankfully I don't have to.

6 months? It's been 16 years for me

I rarely respond to these postings but I felt I had to weigh in on this one. I'm not the voice of authority, far from it but there are some things that you must understand about your wife's situation. She's truly having difficulties. <br />
You say she doesn't feel that she's pretty anymore. Well, no, she wouldn't. This really is as hard on her as it is on you as once menopause strikes it usually also signals the end of a woman's youth. There are many changes that a woman goes through, both physical and mental and part of this is the realization that you're getting older. It's difficult for men to understand because you don't go through the physical changes that a woman does. When you look in the mirror and see gray hair and wrinkles, you see a distinguished gentleman. When a woman looks in the mirror and sees the same thing the reaction is just that she's getting old because she not only has that to contend with but also other physical changes that a man will never experience.<br />
She definitely has my sympathy. That being said, menopause affects different women in different ways. Some never see the decrease in their sex drive that others do. Nor does every woman have the same physical and mental reaction to that condition.<br />
Have patience with her if you can. I know it's difficult and I think that if your sex life up to this point has been good, then I doubt seriously if she's using menopause as an excuse to bow out of a physical relationship with you. <br />
Patience is definitely a virtue in these situations. You aren't the only man to ever experience this.<br />
I'm not a proponent of affairs. It really isn't a good way to handle this kind of situation and if you're honest about your feelings toward her you'd be doing a disservice to both of you by entertaining the thought. <br />
I know that this seems contradictory to everything that I've said so far, but if you're truly that miserable and physical satisfaction is that important to you, you might consider moving on. You aren't doing either her or yourself any favors by dragging this out and don't believe her for a second when she says she wants you to get your satisfaction elsewhere. Few women truly mean it when they say that. <br />
I truly wish you luck with this situation. Some women get so wrapped up in their menopause that it almost takes on a personality of it's own. A no win situation at best in a lot of cases. I hope it's win for you.

Having some experience in medical field, I would recommend talking to her if she want to go through hormone therapy or use herbs like ginseng which my alleviate the problem after discussing with her gynec.<br />
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Menopause can last on average from 2-10 years, it varies from person to person. So you won't know how long you are going to be in this situation, it is best for you to ask yourself this question, do you want to live in this marriage and find out later on how her libido will be i.e. postmenopausal stage or you just want to call it quits.

Thanks for your comments, especially Rob since he is also living this. It helped to vent and to know that I am not alone.

Hi Hotmetalman<br />
I am in the same boat as you - my wife started menopause at age 40, however, and she is now 55. <br />
I am sorry to say that I have very few answers but I know what you are feeling and the impact can be significant on your emotional well being and sense of being whole. Here are some of my observations from living in this state for some time and seeing how others have faired that are in our boat. Others may have different experiences. One good thing is that this board can be useful to help maintain your sanity.<br />
Menopause is inevitible and it seems that the aftermath is unpredictible. Some women who are negatively affected by menopause may find improvement in their overall well-being (including their sex drive) by taking one or more hormones, usually by way of patch or cream these days. Many women refuse this route as it is unproven that hormones are effective and also uncertain as to side-effects such as certain types of cancers. If this route is not chosen or not effective, there are some women who regain their sexual appetite over time. <br />
For me, my wife never regained any sexual energy at all and it has been a struggle for me as I am still vital as are you. If you are still able to talk about these matters with your wife (this could be very difficult now but perhaps a councellor could help) you may come to an agreement where she would (happily?) accomodate some reasonable frequency of sexual activity, even if intercourse is not on the menu or not very frequent. If there are two willing partners here, something may work out but if she is of the view that she is forever done with sex then I am not sure how you can move forward, other than as a close brother/sister type relationship.<br />
Since my wife is from the "done forever" camp, we are now a brother and sister act. We sleep separatelyand I have tried all sorts of tactics to divert myself but I constantly feely empty, cheated of the last reminents of vitality and struggle with trying to remain "faithful" although I do feel cheated on myself due to sexual abandonment. <br />
Having moved into a non-sexual relationship, the overall quality of our relationship has deteriorated - I think there is a special bond between sexually active couples that is somehow weakened when there is no intimate contact. <br />
My wife has vaguely indicated something about finding someone to accomodate my needs so she didn't feel guilty but I know that having an alternative sex partner would not truly work for her - I don't believe it would be common place for most women to accept their husband sleeping with a neighbour, work place accomplice or some random person from the internet. Not sure how this would really work in your case.<br />
As I said up front, I continue to flounder in this pationateless existence just as you. Your best bet is to discuss an accomodation with your wife and if she is unwilling to try then you have two options - find someone else or be unhappy until you loose your sexual appetite one day.<br />
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I truly hope there is some turn around for you as your luck in this area with both wives has been unfortunate.<br />
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brother and sister act is exactly how i would describe my marriage right now. she's like a sister. you can go to dinner with her, watch tv together, see a movie, buy you can't touch and have sex. any extended touching makes her feel as if sex is coming, so i don't bother anymore. she's my sister now.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself a member of this group. There seem to be different twists on why we all find ourselves here.<br />
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Has your wife seen her Dr. to see if there is anything that can be done to help with this? I honestly don't know if anything helps with that, but I'm sure that some of the other gals on here will be able to chime in on this issue.<br />
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I know it's difficult to figure out what to do in these SM's. The whole do I stay or do I go routine. With the hope that somehow things will get better.<br />
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I hope you read the stories here, I'm sure that there are many that you will be able to relate to.<br />
Take care

I really feel for you, I know how hard it is when you still feel desire for your spouse and want to show them affection. I miss all of the intimacy involved such as hugging and kissing, life feels empty without that.<br />
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I also understand your fears regarding your wife's fidelity. It is most likely that as your wife is going through the menopause she would probably not be interested in an affair with another man, because as you say her hormones are affected. However, I wonder on a daily basis if my husbands lack of interest in me is due to other women. It makes you feel paranoid and unattractive.<br />
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I also like you feel that this has affected other areas of my life and yes it does poison the relationship, especially when my husband wont discuss it with me and gets angry at me for raising it.<br />
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I wish you well and I hope that you can find a way to deal with this, I only wish that I could give you more advice.