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Menopause And The Husband

My problem is a little different from most of what I have seen here, but I need a place to talk and this seems as close as I may get.

My wife and I are in our early fifties and have been married just over four years.  This is a second marriage for both of us.  While we were dating and in the early part of the marriage, the sex was great.  For the last 2-3 years, my wife has been going through menopause and as a result her sex drive is essentially non-existent except for occasional (once every few months) returns for a day.  I know that this is a common response to this phase of life, but I am having a very hard time dealing with the absence of a sex life.This is especially true since I still find her very desirable (she doesn't think she is pretty anymore) and it is hard to share a bed with a woman that you love and find desirable, but who doesn't want you to touch her.

She says that she still loves me and that is just a hormonal thing that she cannot control.  If that is true, I know that I should be patient and supportive, but what about my needs for affection and love?  Yes, I am a man and in this culture that means I am the bad guy in any relationship issue, but is that really true and is it really fair?

At this point, I am getting increasingly depressed about living a sexless life till I die.  I am an affectionate person by nature and it is hard to have to deny that part of me.  It also doesn't help that my first wife lost interest in sex with me for that last half of that marriage.  She was fooling around on the side and decided she had to divorce me because I am not as well endowed as she wanted.  This is a different relationship and it is not fair to a bring that baggage into it, but I can't help wondering when I am down if something similar is happening again.

I don't know what to do.  I am wondering if I should sleep in the guest room so that I don't have to be constantly reminded of what I can no longer have.  I think about divorce, but that feels wrong and would be financially devastating.  My wife once told me I should just have an affair to deal with my needs.  I am not sure she really had thought through how she would feel about that.  I was incredibly hurt that I mean so little to her that she wouldn't mind having me leave.  For myself, I don't think an affair is an option since I get too emotionally involved with women that I am sexual with.  I know that I need to do something since my depression over this is starting to poison the rest of our relationship and adversely effect my work.

Sorry for the ramble and thanks for listening.

hotmetalman hotmetalman 51-55, M 41 Responses Nov 30, 2009

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A lot of what you say sounds very familiar to me.

I believe I read somewhere that when a woman passes through the menopause her libido can increase, stay the same or decrease. Seems like your wife and mine unfortunately fall into the last category. I guess this is the most common one anyway.

My wife and I met in 2007 through an internet dating site. At that time she could not get enough of me and it was me that was saying "not tonight, I'm knackered". This was a situation I was quite happy with because I like my woman to be the one pestering me for sex some of the time. Kind of makes you feel wanted.

As the years have passed, our sex like has dwindled to nothing. If I was somehow insensitive physically or in other ways she would have told me but she hasn't, she is just not interested. At first it used to make me angry but now I am just resigned to the fact that it will be Astroglide and my own mits from now until I lose the will or the ability myself.

I have talked to her about it and tried a few ideas but no go. She always agrees that it is a problem and we should try and do something about it but never follows up.

If things were they other way around and I had lost my sex drive and she was still getting hot and horny, I would try to meet her half way. Getting naked together, getting out the sex toys, fooling around, having showers together etc. It would give me pleasure to know I was giving pleasure to her. She just seems to be completely selfish, "My hormones have switched off so that's it, no more sexy fun, tough luck".

I have thought about playing away but could I really stand the guilt, it would probably be the beginning of the end.

Sorry I haven't come up with any answers. It is kind of good to rant out into the ether though and know that other blokes are going though the same thing.

danthegeek, you are choosing to live a celibate life because your wife is selfish and does not love you the way you love her. It's highly likely that her selfishness extends to other areas of your life, too. Do the good things in your marriage outweigh the bad enough that you feel your life would be worse if you set yourself free to be available for the kind of love you desire and that is normal in a marriage or romantic relationship?

She could please you , give you relieve , touch you suck you , without intercourse , just layback and enjoy ,

I am going through that. My husband is Latino and """"""". You don't want to know. Anyway if you take Vitamin E pills; about 200 mil. a day; it can get a woman eventually up, and running they say. After a few weeks

This is an old thread, yet timeless. Women and men have been in these roles for generations. My father committed suicide over 20 years ago and I wonder if this was not a factor.<br />
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All of us guys have the same story. Yes there is the aberrant female who (posts here and elsewhere) are not typical or the women we love.<br />
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My wife essentially has given me the choice - very rare sex or she dies from cancer (from taking HRT). We love our wives. Who amongst us would choose to intentionally kill our wives. As men we are asked to consider the feelings of our wives, but never in this are they to consider ours. We are asked to be patient, but for how long? This thread has proven once again this is just another ploy. Once women enter medapause, it simply means less to NO sex for guys. <br />
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I have 2 sons and a son-in-law who I am seriously considering explaining the elderly birds and bees. The whole sex thing with women is a scam. They get kids and grandkids. They sacrifice having sex with us. Their ob<x>jective is to get us to love them enough by the time they get into medapause that we will not opt for a newer model.

Husker, you get in life what you expect and what you're willing to settle for, and in your case that's accepting a sexless marriage even though your wife is capable of sexually satisfying you in a variety of ways. I am older than you and have sex a few times a week with my post sexless marriage lover. I have other women friends who are around my age and even 10 years older who happily have sex at least weekly.

I divorced last year from a 34-year marriage of which the last 8 years and many others were completely sexless. Emotional and sexual intimacy were important to me so I had the courage to get out of a marriage that was providing me neither. When it comes to my sons, I tell them that sexual compatibility is important in romantic relationships, and if they are in a situation in which their partner is able to provide them with sexual fulfillment, but refuses, then instead of settling for a sexless relationship, they should end the relationship and make themselves available for a relationship with a person who is able and willing to love them the way they wish to be loved.

I've had sex with my wife about 15 times in 15 years. After menopause she's had zero interest in sex and also zero interest in even trying to get her libido back. On the rare occasions when she decided to go through with the act, she will lie there like a board with a hole in it. the act is so weird that it's not worth even going thru with it anymore. My wife hates sex. I spend days just trying to keep myself from blowing up because I am so frustrated. It's bizarre.

We understand. That is part of the scam.

hotmetalman,

This response is 4-1/2 years you made your initial post. So, I don't know if mine will help you now in the least. But perhaps it might help others.

My wife and I both came from large families, and (unlike most everyone else in the world I know) wanted also to have a large family (neither of us regret that). Our many children, 2/3 are currently married, and the growing number of grandchildren is a source of joy (worry over posterity never ends, but neither does the happiness and "joie de vivre" they bring).

Up until 4 or 5 years ago, I thought my wife and I were in a fairly ideal (though never perfect) marriage (whose marriage is?). From before marrying, we always have said that ours is a non-divorce marriage. And, we had sex with decent frequency, and at least physically, it was still fairly good, until at least 4 or 5 years ago).

However, menopause and an earlier period in my wife's mental health, (I learned just over 6 months ago) has (for now nearly 18 years) meant that she (as she put it), "Quit believing in me." [since men's interpretation of 'love' includes that as a MAJOR component—I found out I've been, in her heart, in a largely 'loveless' marriage nearly half our married life—which was and is no small thing at all for me]!

The period in question was when, being self-employed (as I have been for all but the first year of our marriage), and lost several big clients who were, from the late 1980's until about the mid-1990's, by-far-and-away my biggest accounts (they were all 'diamonds' of a major 'multi-level' firm, who, simultaneously, went 'cheap').

We had struggled before, financially. And I knew we could work out of it again. But, it was too much for her, emotionally, and she had her doctor put her on a popular psych medication for a year or so.

I'm diabetic, and 2 or 3 years or so ago, began having 'Erectile Dysfunction' or 'ED' issues (thought I'd spell it out for the uninitiated in that phrase and acronym). I started out skinny when we married, and between her great cooking and my desk job, I've put some weight on, (but so has she).

There are a bit more than half a dozen years between us (I'm older). But two or three years ago, she began telling me, in no uncertain terms, that if she never had sex again with me, that would be fine by her. (She started going through menopause in her late forties). And, certainly, my ED problem became a problem for her, given how long it took me to 'get off' (if I ever did).

Well, I told her then that that would not be fine by me. She is still (to me) very attractive. We're both overweight, as I said. But, I have come to love her being that way even more than I thought I would when we first married. And, for all of our marriage (over a third of a century) I've told her genuinely, many times a day, day in and day out, both how beautiful she is and how much I love her, in many different ways (though she has virtually never initiated any communication of the kind to me. She sometimes, but not always, will say she loves me, but ONLY AFTER I've said I love her).

Anyway, as in any marriage, there are MANY issues, both directions.

Having read all the post on this thread, I believe I've gained more valuable insights than I've found elsewhere before.

One small thing I've noticed that might help a few others is this—

When my wife and I have sex (which in the past half a year are down to about just once a week—which I'm sure would be fantastic for many of you, even though that once too often makes me feel more like I'm using my wife merely to pleasure myself - but seldom has she been all that responsive either vocally or in other ways since our marriage began), I have found that while she said what she did say above, and often enough hints that that is still her position, I find that almost every time we have intimate relations, I have long pleasured her before I've attempted penetrating. And almost always, I hear the 'pleasure swallows' or 'gulps of pleasure', much like you hear a puppy or dog give when you give them a treat, from her when I pleasure her. So, I know she's getting something good, at least physically—despite what she might tell me otherwise.

With my ED problem, I have tried to reduce frequency, to help ME improve my 'potency'. But, also, taking lots of walks helps keep my blood flow better otherwise, and especially 'in bed'.

I'm going to work more at trying to lose the fat, and trim down. My youngest son, age 18, lost over 80 lbs between 2012 and last year! He's inspired me. He now stays trim. And I'm working to increase my income and try keep it coming in more at a consistently higher level, if possible. Money isn't everything. But, without enough of it, the devil, and a long financially disappointed wife, won't let you forget it (such disappointments are always somewhere in the background, if seldom or ever spoken).

And, I've already begun developing and more consistently practice better habits in helping out much more around the house. Both little and big things together add up. Not bringing home enough 'bacon' made her lose respect for me. I'm going to try to regain it (if I EVER had it), and try to gain her perception of me physically too, as attractive. (I may not have a problem with her extra weight – I gained an understanding in my 30's why Europeans of centuries back portrayed somewhat 'bigger' women—the 'more' to love is 'good'], but due to lack of any genuinely felt compliments from her by me), I don't think the perspective is mutual.

So, my belief is is that her being turned off to sex is, to perhaps a great extent, as much, if not much more, her being turned off to and by me. And, I'm going to try to change that as much as is possible! Wish me luck!

I am in the same predicament and it is a battle with my emotions everyday. Consequently, I am getting tired of fighting. I know that it is a natural phase for my wife but I can not help feeling deprived. To describe my feeling would be loneliness and lost!

I can relate to all these stories....The last ten years have been hell culminating with her asking me for a divorce on July 24th. We're going to counseling now with not much success. Everything I do or say is not enough. Her bad decisions and mood swings have aliented our sons and myself. She rarely leaves the house to do anything fun, mostly jigsaw puzzles or reading or soduku. Sex was never big with her since the marriage began but twice in three years has brought me to my knees. I brought up the fact that her menopause was the issue but neither her or the female counselor would acknowledge it. I have to visit that again after reading all these postings. I can't take being pounded on every week by two females that may BOTH have menopausal issues and don't want to admit to it.

I agree with the poster above who said "The problem is not just the lack of desire, it's the lack of desire to get the desire back." Men hear day after day about understanding our women and even about being more like them. NO information or social pressure is being exerted to encourage women to understand their men.

Monogamy implies that someone is having sex and Celibacy is the lack of sex. If women want their monogamous marriage to exist, then step up and be a great sex partner. Not merely a monthly "ok are you done yet partner" but one who tries to be sexier, learn better techniques, dress sexy, and shows us that she really wants sex with us. We love YOU after all and you have a home court advantage over all the other women of the world.

As for ED, my experience is that it is largely mental. That means that we have trouble in relationship to having sex with you over issues in our marriage. Yes meds an help but helping the mental change is easy... give us mental emotional and physical pleasure and voila!

If you don't want to be a stellar sex partner for your husband, then YOU have two options: 1) encourage him to find a girlfriend for sex or 2) help him RENT one. Nobody says "I Do" to forced Celibacy. That is a violation of your vows just as surely as having an affair is.

I agree with you. It's lack of desire to get desire back that's the worst.

Hello I'm sorry to hear your story. I am in a similar position only I'm the woman. I want sex and love and affection ask the time it seems. My husband is 11 years older than me and had lost his drive. He has had ed for the last 16 years of the 25 we have been together. We manage through it. Since I am going through menopause now sometimes I can't even wash my breasts without getting turned on. He is trying. .. but it just seems like am obligation to me. I can tell he is great broke too. But dang. .... Idk what to do. I don't feel he finds me attractive anymore. Not like that anyway.

Wow, your story has many similarities to mine. My wife and I are 57. She began menopause about 5 years ago. Many women "cruise" through with few problems. My wife has had lots of issues with emotions, digestion, sleep, metabolism and sexuality. Bio-Identical HRT helped but providers tend to over-dose the patient which greatly increases risk of cancer, so she stopped that after 6-9 months. It was great while it lasted. Cold turkey after that, vaginal thinning, too painful forany intercourse. Practiced outercourse for about 2 years, then she started very low dose Estradiol creme vaginally 2x weekly making intercourse possible, but no marathons please. We have finally reached a point where I get a weekly dose of intercourse and she does all she can to make it very pleasurable for me. As I need it more than 1x I am on my own for extra sessions, not looking elsewhere. She understands my needs and we have worked it out. Lots of talking and trying different things. Men are sexual beings. We have a genetic disposition to want intercourse to propogate our species. If we don't get sex it effects us in many ways. And flying solo does not eliminate these effects. Hope this helps....please talk to your wife!

I am female, helping my high school LOVE get Iinsight into his crime. Premenopausal sights are an interesting read and repressed anger. We are approaching 70, he was 48, his wife was 46. Good chance both were menopauSal, both had histories that should have been addressed. Good people, church goers, raised great children, looked fine to the world.
Your stories are familiar, he went for an emotional affair, a fight ensued, tragedy struck.

"Aanger and Forgiveness" by Raymond LLloyd Richmond
is a great place e to start,

My loved one has been in prison 20 years, I would definitely take denial of sex seriously.


ymond LLOYD RICHMOND is a great place to start.

Hello Sir,
Don't worry , you are not in this alone. Me and my wife are having to deal with this issue right now even though it hasn't been diagnosed as Menopause yet. I have been doing loads of research on this, the symptoms and all that goes with it. Me and my wife have always had a really spontaneous and regular love life and all of a sudden she lost all interest in sex and in me in general and became depressed, and having drastic mood swings and it seemed that she was ill with me all the time. I also had a wife in the past that cheated on me regularly so in the back of my mind Her !00% attention and need for me turning into 0% nearly completely sent me into a panic mode . I even asked her if she had someone else on her mind ,which led into something else ....that eventually led into a three day fight to the point that we were ready to just call it quits.
I didn't realize what was happening and I thought that I had done something to cause the depression and to drive her away from me. Not understanding that there was an underlying issue, my frustrations caused me to over react and cause the problem to become even bigger than it was to begin with. Now she's not only having to deal with the emotional and physical changes that are happening and that she didn't understand ,but she also had a husband that felt neglected, abandoned,confused, unloved and depressed and getting angry at the situation, wondering what I did to make her so angry and indifferent and that pushed her into harder mood swings and a deeper depression and simply made the whole situation worse.
I would advise doing all the research that you can to understand the emotional and physical changes that come with Menopause. It can be very confusing sometimes and can leave you standing there with your hands up in the air wondering what just happened.
You obviously love her or you wouldn't be seeking the advice that you are seeking. I am no Dr and no expert at any of this and the only advice that I can give you is to be patient and to pay attention to the signs as they happen. You will begin to be able to tell the difference between what's menopause symptoms and just having a bad day. I am starting to learn this myself and even though it can be a painfully slow process, it can and will make a difference in your lives together. Just keep your distance when you have to, and be there for her when she needs you. She may not always be open to hear what you have to say, even when things seem alright at the time but try to give her the positive reinforcement that she needs, when she needs it and she will come around.
I hope that this has been of some help to you.

Hello my friend, this is a supportive and positive reply with some information that will help you deal with this issue and hopefully address all the issues on the table and is very simple.

Here are two drugs to consider~

$40.00 - [50 pills / 100mg] Microgest 100mg (Progesterone)

$31.87 - [8pk] Oesclim estradiol patch (i.e., the patch should be changed once every 3 to 4 days)

The progesterone would be taken with the patches IF it is needed. The progesterone is ONLY if she needs and you should ask your doc if this is the case or you can do some quick online reading about it and see if it is something based on our knowledge of your wife if she should take.

The oesclim patches are to address not only her physical changes and issues BUT should also aid in jump starting her sex drive.

IGNORE the responses from some of these bitter / negative individuals with the exception of trying to find new ways to entice your mate. I am considering a change myself in how I treat my life. I will also try and be more supportive. I believe I have been but that does not mean that is how it is perceived, you should sit down and discuss the options listed above as well as begin to work on yourself and seem 'less interested'. Once she starts on the medication and you showing lack of interest (coupled with beginning to work out and outward appearance) might actually encourage her to go on the offensive because you 'dont care' :) . Just some advice.

OH and dont cheat on her, you inspired me today. Please dont loose hope.

Ok my thoughts.. I am 58 soon to be 59. I take bio identical hormones and lift weights. I can still want sex. I still look at men. There isn't a constant need anymore but I get off four times a week.. Desire starts in the brain. Maybe the women are bored with their husbands . I know I am with mine. Finally told him that he needs to read and change his style and I need to be responsible and tell him what I like and don't like.. We are all sexual until we die.. There is more than menopause going on with your wives . I don't think most men know how to f$$$. Once is not enough. One position is not enough. Lots more foreplay. Slow sex once in a while .. Teasing playful .. That is so important .. Set a mood .. Have a long session.. Build the sex with your eyes open and the curtains wide open.

If she suggested that you have an affair, then I hope you have a good pre-nup

The bottom line is this. If you are going weeks and then months routinely without having intercourse with your partner, when they want it and you are healthy enough to provide it, you are abusing them. A lack of desire because of hormonal changes is no reason to refuse your man or woman. Do so at your own risk because most people will not wait very long until they start looking elsewhere for the affection that they need.<br />
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I'm 35 and my wife seems to have menopausal symptoms. She is 42. The problem is not just the lack of desire, it's the lack of desire to get the desire back. I think she may finally getting it now because I have made it clear, under no uncertain terms, that sex is something that I need and constant refusal is not acceptable. Hopefully that translates into actions because WARNING procrastination also seems to be a symptom. Why do today what you can do tomorrow... or next month... or next year.<br />
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Because my wife is younger than most women who enter menopause I believed this was a passive aggressive disorder, but I am starting to suspect that it is early onset of menopause. <br />
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The bottom line is this. Get your butt off the couch, get on a treadmill, break a sweat and your libido will probably come back. If that doesn't work, see a doctor and consider HRT. But if you just do nothing and expect your man to hang around, go ahead and buy a few cats now because you're well on your way to being that single "cat lady" down the street playing bingo on Saturday nights.<br />
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The notion that men have no right to sex from their wives is downright ignorant. As is the opposite... you lazy men not giving it up to you're wives are pathetic. If you can't stick it, lick it. Get your limp butts to the gym. The problem is mostly that people are too damn lazy to try to help save their marriage. If that's you, maybe your marriage isn't worth saving.<br />
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I'm all about being supportive of this transition and helping your woman through it. But women must realize that men don't turn their engines off when yours shuts down. Keep it tuned, or they'll find another mechanic.

Oh dear, this is such a painful thread of comments for me to read. I truly don't believe that menopause has to make women go off sex. For many women, sex in their fifties and beyond gets better and better as they are not so tired by looking after small children and they also don't need to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. As I have said elsewhere, I am 53, went through menopause quite early (around 41, not many years after I had my kids) and, having spent the years looking after my children when younger and also caring for my stroke-disabled father, now passed on, I have more energy tp spare and would love to be married to a guy who wanted to *** me senseless!. I think about sex all the time, look at ***** and am really keen on having sex - but unfortunately am married to a man 13 years old whose libido has vanised and who has ED. So all you say about your wives is true of my husband- being pushed away, sleeping in different rooms, him not liking me to get naked. I reckon BTW that for menopausal women, exercise (gym etc) is key, as this will keep your body young and you won't see the same signs of aging. And it also raises testoterone and seratonin levels which make you feel horny. Encouraging your wives to take exercise is a start. My body is better now then when I was in my twenties and I want to use it to give someone pleasure ....sigh. Why is nature so cruel?

Pick me, pick ME! :)

I've been in the same situation for about 8 years. My wife's 61 and I'm 60. We have 'sex' about once every two months and it's about ten minutes of her reluctantly giving herself up, knowing its been about two months, and my attempting to make it as 'painless' (not that there's any physical discomfort for her) as possible for her. She says "she wants to," but I'd have to been an absolute idiot to believe that. I feel guilty because it's obvious that she doesn't and yet I'm still taking advantage of the situation. We sleep in separate bedrooms, but that's actually a great arrangement. She wants to stay up later, watch a different show, I'm in and out of bed, occasional snoring, and after 35 years of marriage getting a good nights sleep, taking up the entire bed is a luxury. This has nothing to do with love, and romantic intimacy, give me a break...we've been together close to 40 years in all. I understand her lack of desire. Her chemistry has radically changed. Over the last two years or so, I've backed off and left initiation up to her, and as I've said, she does it reluctantly when she feels she can put it off no longer. I graciously accept, feeling a bit like a jerk, but if she is doing it for me then I will accept it like a gift and while making it as easy as possible for her. Obviously my sex drive isn't what it was when I was 20. If I ********** it takes me a couple of days before the drive kicks in again. That's great. The problem is that if I ********** in the morning and then we go out, she decides that tonight's the night, I'm less than 'capable.' This is probably a relief to her, but for me it's like I've missed the 'one plane out' and the next is a month or two down the road. So I avoid self gratification if I think this might be a 'lucky' week. How stupid this all is, and for what? Frankly, I could live without sex if I'd just forget about it, but there is something about 'being a man' that makes sex, and having an erection, an integral part of what one is. The little blue pills re-establish that identity and then you're 'all dressed up with no place to go.' They must be the over 50 women's nightmare. It's a fallacy that men maintain their strong sex drive. Men WANT to maintain their strong sex drive because it's been so much a part of their identity all their lives. Yes, we still have a sex drive while many postmenopausal women have none, but ED isn't just a 'blood flow' problem. It's also connected to the brain and the brain is saying that sex just isn't as important as it was. However, we can't accept that because for most of our lives, sex was all we'd think about. I'm one of these guys and I think my obsession with sex now is more a fear that I'm no longer truly obsessed with sex, therefore I'm no longer who I used to be and I'm getting old. I say to myself that I wish my wife remained the sexual being she was in our 30s, but in reality if she was, I'd be popping blue pills like an addict and still coming up 'short.' Then I'd really feel old and inadequate. The bottom line is that my wife no longer wants to have sex and I still do, but I really don't want to have it as often or as much as I 'think' I do, or as I come across as wanting it. Most of it is trying to prove to myself that I'm still what I was, which I'm not. Accepting that as a positive thing is very difficult, and I could blame our youth oriented culture, etc...but once a month would be nice...

I can totally relate to you. My wife would be happy if she never had to have sex again. One month becomes two and two months becomes three and she starts to feel as if she has to do something , so breaks down and initiates sex that she does not want to have. It's usually a 10-15 session in which there is no full penetration. she can't wait for it to be over. I go through with it cause it's the only sex i get so i take advantage of it. I never initiate sex anymore, cause she never wants it. She will do anything to avoid sex or talking about it. she gets up at 5 in the morning for regular workouts with her trainer, but when it comes to sex, she's always tired and can't possibly wake up early for that. it's been 15 years since any real sex. there have been occasional session, maybe once per year and most of those not to full completion. it makes me grumpy during the day and sometimes i don't even want to interact with her cause the "elephant in the room", is always hanging over us.

I am a woman going through menopause at 51 even though I had a hysterectomy in my early forties. I have been on the hormone patch for two years and this still hasn't helped. I truly have no sexual desire for anyone, but especially my husband. WHY? Because he has made the issue of sex to the the core of our relationship over the years and all I have felt like is a vessel for his use. Now it's also resentment because of how he handles the turn down of sex, even when our sex life was great and the times I did turn him down how he acted like an immature child (and still does) and how he gets nasty and downright mean. Who would want to be with someone who talks to you like that and treats you like crap? Someone who has threatened to pack his crap and leave or say he wants a divorce every time he didn't get it and the argument got out of hand? For years I would give in just to shut him up but now, not so much. I have taken a stand and have decided that I am going through this and he needs to be understanding and supportive just as I have these past fourteen and a half years. I who stood by him when he was on his drugs and walking the streets all hours of the day and night and even put himself homeless for a week. Who two years ago almost died because of his neglect of himself and gave himself an infection that attacked every major organ in his body and ended up with a stroke, MRSA, and open heart surgery. I, who took care of him after all that and even after that helping him with his shoulder replacement surgery and therapy. When he was in the hospital with his stroke and everything, he basically lost his mind and started accusing me of having an affair with his former best friend, right across the hall in the hospital and has kept accusing me of having an affair because if we aren't having sex, I must be having sex with somebody. I have never, ever had an affair on my husband, and have told him the exact reasons, besides the menopause of why I don't want to have sex with him (or anybody). With everything that I have put up with him these past fourteen years, I wouldn't dare be involved with anybody else. Who needs the hassle? I just want him to be understanding, compassionate, and supportive while I am dealing with this because it's not just emotional, its also physical and psychological. But my husband is only thinking about himself and getting off because he can't do it himself because of the shoulder surgery, which wasn't a success. So to all those guys out there who are worrying about getting laid by their wives who are going through menopause, think about how you have treated her over the years and during this time and how you have talked to her and treated her during those times when she wasn't into even before menopause. I am completely turned off by my husband because of how he has treated me and talked to me and always threatens to leave me. Go ahead, it's called desertion. Especially after everything I can tell his lawyer and the judge of what I have put up with all these years. Go ahead leave. I will eventually get through this menopause and find somebody else that might appreciate me because even though I am 51 I have been asked by people who see me if I am my daughter's or son's sister and they are in their mid to late twenties.

A pretty selfish view and who doesn\'t understand men or your own partners needs. I\'m hearing a lot about how men should understand their partner\'s menopause and how they should adjust and change, but not once have I read how a wife or female partner can help and facilitate this difficult time for men. It is far harder for men to go through menopause than women. Something missed by the female authors of all the posts Ive read. Do women forget that they are in a relationship and needs need to be met by both parties in order for it to harmonius. I\'m reading a lot about how the relationship might not have been that good before menopause and that\'s why sex disappears during this time. There is plenty of scientific evidence to know that libido is drastically affected by menopause, so I see this as just a cop out by women so they don\'t have to deal with \"another issue\".There are plenty of good men who sacrifice and compromise everything to save their marriage or to make things better but is largely not seen or misconstrued by their partners. A person can only do so much and bear only so much emotional stress before it comes tumbling down. On a personal level it has been a very difficult and emotionally heart wrenching time to deal with this. Talking to doctors, psychologists and others help but action is what is really needed. Menopausal women need to be mindful and understand that men have feelings as well and can themselves help a lot more than they actually do. It is afterall a partnership

This posting hits home. I feel exactly the same as Skase57 does about this subject. My wife and I have had heated discussions and emotional strife as a result of menopause. Women don't realize how much intimacy and sexual activity means to men in terms of self esteem and physical & mental well being. The lack of desire along with physical and mental changes makes it seem like it's something they "have to do" on that weekly or monthly basis as opposed to something they want to do to make their husband happy. Just lie there while we get it over with as quickly as possible. To a certain degree my wife will allow me to do some fantasy talk and touching that does not involve intercourse (pretty much I do the touching and ask her to tell me what I want to hear, but when we are able to have intercourse, the actual time we are doing it is all of three minutes...."make it quick" which I can sort of understand because of the sensitivity, but she just does not want to get willingly involved in stimulating me. She also does not want me to stimulate her in any way as it feels weird or bugs her. I have to initiate every action, do pretty much all the work, and the boundary lines are clearly drawn. No oral, no anal, no hand action (willingly or enthusiastically). I typically get some form of sexual activity once a week which consists of a) visual stimulation while I am ************ or b) outercourse and my ************ or c) three minute intercourse opportunity. The typical session involves me giving her a massage (back, neck, shoulders, feet, legs, butt) which makes me horny and ready for sex. Then it is like: "Okay so are you really, really ready?" She just really wants to get this over with and get back to chores like fixing dinner. For me it is the highlight of my week and I wish it could be three times a week. I feel like a starving man who only gets to eat one small meal a day. I get penetrative sex for an average of about eight minutes a month total. We struggle with these issues and have done so for the last five years. Can't say I am not tempted to stray, but like many "real men" sex and emotions are inseparable, and guilt is a huge burden to bear. I can't be two people at once, even though my wife has made remarks like "go get a hooker" to me. Not my style.

I was talking to my sister about this the other day as she is older than me. She has already went through menopause. She said she does not crave sex as far as thinking I'm horny and initiating but she said when she gets it she still enjoys it. She does say she is a little drier and they have to use KY I mentioned to her they make something called replens that you put inside you with a plunger and it last for 3 days. So maybe even though she is not asking for it because she doesn't think about it but if you don't mind doing the initiating maybe she will still fully participate.

I am "living" the same lifeless marriage of 23 years to a beautiful woman who would rather sleep with our dogs and kiss them good night than the guy that has worked his *** off to pay for the house her car, the kids college and "our retirement. Physiologists have know for a thousand years that guys want to be intimate until they die and women "dry up" by age 60. Why the hell hasn't our normal male biology been recognized and some alternatives made available? We get fed up,depressed, feel rejected, pissed, leave our wives of numerous years, lose 1/2 of everything that we have worked so hard for. There is NOTHING in our community support system to help us except punishment and ridicule for "wanting some good sex occasionally" as our normal physiology would dictate. When is society going to recognize what men have been like for thousands of years. I'm sure that was one of the initial reasons for the development of prostitution. It is NOT A CRIME for a 65 year old man to want to have some wonderful sex with an "understanding woman" . It is not a crime for that woman to WILLINGLY give us what is a NORMAL biological need for a man of our species. I would not mind spending the dollars for a nice dinner, a nice room, some flowers and a bottle of good champagne, plus a good hourly wage, to be with a women that still enjoys being romanced and made love to and with. <br />
When is society going to get it?? I think that there would be less child molesting, *********** and other sexual deviation if society understood and supported older married men with some sort of legal, honorable option for us guys that are very tired of being "single" married men, taking lots of cold showers, and dating "Rosy"if you get my allegorical reference.<br />
Thanks for listening and i hope that we all don't burn in hell as one religious counselor said to me when I related this idea to him.

Hey, this is becoming really anti-women!! I am a 53 year old woman who actually went through menopause at 41. I am DESPERATE for sex and am married to a 65 year olf man who has lost all his libido and also can't get an erection. I long to be touched all over and kissed all over and to make love properly, and I feel that I am pushed away - I get a pat on the arm or am told that I am 'tickling' him when I kiss his face. I ***** every night several times just to keep myself sane. So the menopause is not alone responsible or there is also a male menopause.

I need to weight in now and say that my wife's menopause was the true demise of our quality intimacy. My wife practices medicine so she knows! There just aren't many hormones any more. Throw in antidepressants and her desire is no where to be found. Oh, she still has sex with me every few weeks so I shouldn't complain. It's just not the same because her entire attitude has changed. <br />
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What used to be exciting has been replaced by the absence of any rush of sexuality. Honestly, it'll never come back, it's gone. Instead husbands like us get the evil eye just for displaying any type of actions that might make our wives think we want something. Yes! We do want something! We want to simply feel loved and desired. It doesn't mean its always sex. <br />
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The fallout is that all the little warm gestures are disappearing also. She thinks a hug will lead to sex so your wife keeps her distance. She becomes more guarded and the husband becomes hurt. It's a brutal cycle that repeats itself. The relationship becomes strained. I understand why she has changed but does it make it any easier to adjust to?

This is exactly what I am experiencing.

Hen said:: also wonder how many men experience meanness and wickedness from peri-menopausal and menopausal wives? <br />
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT !!! <br />
My wife has been going thru perimenopasue for a couple of years. its a LOVE ROLLER COASTER!! occasionally she will show affection, usually it is hands off. No touching !

Junkman,
You don't know what I'm talking about because you have a "love roller coaster". I wish I had that. "Hands off / no touching" isn't nearly as bad by itself as it is coupled with her disrespect, criticism, paranoia and false accusations. She always said she had a grandmother that was mean all the time -- she must have gotten the genes.

I wonder who is really using the blue pills. With so much unwillingness from wives, what do old dudes need pills for. Seems to me there should be a pill that did the opposite. A man could take it to deflate his libido so he could stand it. <br />
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I also wonder how many men experience meanness and wickedness from peri-menopausal and menopausal wives? Most of what I have seen posted is about how men need to understand their wives. Why isn't there anything telling menopausal women what THEY ought to do? It is hard to get a word in edgewise to tell her how beautiful she is if she is always mouthing disrespectful things, mean things, contrary opinions, accusations,... basic continuous negativity.<br />
<br />
Is there anyone out there for whom the meanness is worse than the lack of sex?

Hi

to me the worst thing is actually not the sex issue at all, or even the bad temper, its the apathy. She's gone from being a bright, smart lively woman to a couch potato. We are both self-employed and both work from home with no kids and were both pretty work focussed. Even as I type I can hear her watching Judge Judy at 11.00am. Thankfully, after months and months of signals she's identified the hormone issue but boy have I taken a beating.

Ironically the sex actually increased for us, but it wasn't part of affection, at least that's how it felt to me. This all co-incided with a big outside side swipe with a sick elderly parent, something which I gather can bring these things on.

My big gripe about this subject is that for all the vast panorama of the internet there is virtually nothing that states the case for men. Culture has made it so that men are expected to put a woman first no matter what is happening. Sadly if you are a sympathetic guy who would do anything for the woman you love including abstinence, if that saved the relationship, it makes no difference. The bitter pill I'm swallowing is not viagra.

Someone once told me a joke:

Q: why do little old men die before little old women?

A: Because they can.

Opa,
Thanks for the commiseration. I agree with your observation that the case for men is ignored. The TV shows are all about women, as if all men are brutes and don't fulfill their wife's needs. Well, it comes down to the character of the person. If a person is selfish then the other person can keep on giving and keep on tolerating and nothing will change. By being the "good guy" you just enable the bad behavior.

I would hate to rely on drugs, and started out asking if so many men need blue pills, at least they must have a willing wife, but I think the drugs needed are for her.... hormones and/or lithium.... And if I need a pill, I need a pill that will kill my libido because I'm not going to need it the rest of my life, looks like.

And now I knw why prstitution is the worlds oldest profesion

I'm wondering if those sex-starved-sounding women on craigslist personals are real or just a chance to get on the 10 oclock news... Nah...I'm too scared to do anything like that...but it is something to wonder about.

The guilt and fear of disease and pregnancy just aren't worth it. Trust me on this and stick to Mary Palmer and her five dancing sisters...... and Youporn.

It is truly amazing how similar my experience is. Your story fits mine like a glove. Recently I started investigating this phenomenon : different sexual needs at different life-stages. What occured to me is that mostly its men lacking sex. Another fact is that in different cultures , sex are treated differently. Now why is it that in cultures where polygamy is allowed there are less paedofiles, pornographers, rapists , sex-freaks and vices? Who decided that monogamy is the ultimate answer to human sexuality? I think monogamy lies at the root of many social ills. With polygamy a man is in a stable , long-term supportive relationship with more than one wife. The wifes know each other and even support each other. This is no sexual paradise as normal relationship issues will exist in any situation. Fact is , when the older wife 'dont feel like it' , the polygamous husband can go to his other wife(s) for action. It works for a lot of people , why then must we suffer this celibacy???

Can I have more than one husband then, please?:) So when the older husband doesn't feel like it I can go to one of the other husbands for action?

Not so far-fetched! Isn't prostitusion some form of polyamory? I think there are some cultures where this is practised. So, be bold (-: Get some hunks lined up, (with their consent) and bob's your uncle!

What amazes me is the sudden dislike of ANY physical intimacy--even a hug, let alone a kiss--that has gone on for years. Is this a worldwide phenomenon (my wife is Japanese), or more of a cultural situation?

I have been in this situation so long that I am afraid to count the years and with no answers. The one thing that offers a little support is this forum. Legally most states and some countries (I have not investigated this) will grant a divorce for sexual abandonment (in this case, no sexual intercourse for over a year) of a spouse - irregardless of the reason if you file and wait until the courts hear the case. This at least demonstrates that we males suffer from something very central and understood to be at the core of the marital relationship - even if we "get lucky" once a month or two. I have been in therapy on my own but originally wanted my wife to join, however she refused. Due to the nature of therapy, I consider intimacies I choose to reveal within that fr<x>amework to be protected, discrete and am hopeful that I can move on. Yes the marriage has become dismal in spite of the sentiments and touching glimmers of what once was. It is in fact a living death and it hardly matters if the reason for lack of physical intimacy is physiological or psychological or a combination or if there is a different "real reason". I doubt my wife even considers that I have a need to know even if she had something concrete to tell me. The bottom line is that her sexless or more sexless menopause makes her as well as your sex life a phantom experience for you. And without her participation, we cannot hope to be any part of her post-menopausal life either. But we are not the bad apple she might find it convenient for herself to think we are...