Well I Got A Reaction....

I am not saying that a totally emotionless relationship should be any easier to leave, but my confusion lies with being told one day that I am the most important thing in the universe and that all he wants is to live a good life with me and for us to be happy together and the next day being either completely ignored, picked at or yelled at for something I'm not even aware I have done wrong.

The constant shifting from one to the other is both tiring and emotionally draining.  I let my guard down too quickly perhaps, but he is my husband after all. I don't want to turn into someone who can't get close and trust and love anyone for fear of rejection.  I wasn't brought up that way, its not me.

I asked my husband yesterday quite directly about the lack of sex (the conversation was in public of course, would never risk that conversation at home) , he explained that he didn't see it (sex) as a key part of our relationship, that it is not what creates our intimacy and that if I wanted to go elsewhere for it he is ok with an 'open marriage'.  Not exactly the reaction I was expecting, I have had sex with 2 people in my life - husband number one (13 years) and husband number two (the last 5 years).  To me, it is part of a loving relationship, whereas he has had a lot of 'sport sex' in his life (as he refers to it) including multiple partners.  Now I'm thinking maybe he feels I'm not experienced enough and I bore him.  I'm almost feeling apologetic for not 'sleeping around' when I was younger.



Rallacious Rallacious 36-40, F 14 Responses Dec 19, 2009

Your Response


Socklord - Thank you, I used to have the self esteem to believe that I deserved someone who treated me better, oddly enough it was what attracted me to my husband in the first place. He seemed morally well grounded, someone to respect and to learn from, kind, attentive,loving..... I have no idea how to not make the same mistake again.

Albnative - You're right, the more I dwell on it, the more I realise this really is not normal behaviour, he has said on numerous occasions that if all we can be is friends then he is ok with that and if he does anything to make me unhappy he would leave - but I think it is part of the way he makes himself feel better about the way things are.

Cuphalffull - thanks, I wish it were easier but I do appreciate the comment!

Cedricsmom - I believe that to be true, we teach others with our actions and there is a part of me that feels that my husband knew how far I would hold on having watched my previous marriage fail from afar. I didn't leave my ex husband until he threw a full mug of hot tea at my face which resulted in a black eye (and luckily no burns). I had to go to work the next day with a shiner and I made the decision then and there to not lie any more about the situation, one of my best friends jokingly asked me if my husband did it, I replied, 'yes but I dont' want to talk about it right now' even the admittance of it made me have to leave the room and go cry.

Bellas31 - No there aren't children involved, I honestly have never had the desire to have children, I don't know whether this is because deep inside I knew at the time that the men in my life would have made bad fathers. I like other people's children but I definitely don't yearn for one of my own and I don't feel like I have been denied the experience of motherhood, although perhaps in a few years it might hit me that way. Thanks for your advice of moving on.

Stevem7 - Well, you don't shy away from the tough questions do you! ~smiles. I think primarily I am a submissive person, naturally I want to please everyone, I usually come bottom of that list and due to this situation with my husband I have little self esteem left. I see the good parts in my husband when he is loving and caring and they are the parts I want to see, I blind myself to the bad parts and put them down to 'moods' or 'phases' or whatever other word I can use to explain away his behaviour. Are the regular doses of pain I go through now less than the huge dose I will have to go through if I end the marriage? How will I know the next person I meet won't be the same?... My track record has not been that great after all. Although that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, I think I'd rather be alone. My main concern is that he will be unhappy if I leave, it overrides any concern I have about myself. Does this mean I'm a gutless pushover... well I guess so, but I don't feel any anger any hate anything that would push me over the edge into taking action. Forgiveness, compassion, empathy, kindness and caring.... all make me this idiot of a person that can't say what's done is done and over.

Jerseyboy313 - Wouldn't it be lovely to wake up and have it be so, maybe I'm just not brave enough to face up to the inbetween. And yes it hurts, I can feel myself emotionally becoming numb to it though.

ATwitch - Thank you, I will work on finding me again, I'm really not sure who/what that is right now.

Thank you all again for your comments and advice, its overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time.

What an ahole your husband is.

Do whatever make syou happiest hon. I wouldnt give a crap for the conseuqences to him were I you

I cant imagine a more hurtful thing to say to someone

You say you think about it to my suggestion. Tell US why you stay? What is it that is so wonderful about someone who does this to you to rate your loyalty and your staying? Tell US what it is that makes you think another 50 years of being treated this way is a good thing for you.

I think once he gave you permission to go outside the marriage ,then it's time to walk away.He also said he doesn't think sex is important in your marriage,not making sense.To top it all off he's being abusive in his treatment of you.It sounds like he's isn't even willing to try.As I just read in another post it's a control issue and if he can not treat you the way you need to be treated.,then I agree with those that said it's time to move on.

Are there kids involved? Don't think I read that,I know how that can also change a situation.Not so easy to walk away then.However if none are involved,then it's time to move on to a happpier future.

I'm all for the sanctity of marriage, but I have to agree with the people who say you need to find someone to treat you better. If you accept his poor treatment, you are telling him that you think it's okay. You are telling him you don't think you deserve to be treated better. We teach people where our boundries are.

I think Stevem7 said it best. Good luck.

Rallacious, I'm with socklord on this. You need someone who'll treat you better. Maybe he's got a physical problem? Because his suggestion that you go elsewhere isn't typical of a husband. Or, maybe the reason he was a bit wild and the reason he's not interest is that he's fighting homosexuality tendencies? It's possible. Just doesn't like the behavior of a normal husband.

Oh ****. Look lady, I'm a man. But I would never be in a relationship that requiered me to be above, a woman. Just sex I can see. But a long term relationship? You need someone who will treat you better.

Stevem7 - Oh some days.... I am so tempted! (in my mind of course...)

golightly - Thank you, I really hope that is the case :)

vegassbaby - Yes, its all about rationalization isn't it.... thank you for suggesting the House of Cards thread, I have been pondering it

zorbas - yes I am submissive and easy going, it's also in my nature to trust and love easily. My family are so loving and supportive, I think I maybe underestimated the chances of finding love twice, and to have both times turn out so badly. I find it particularly hard to mention any of this to my parents and I haven't, I just feel so ashamed to be that unlovable.

Some days I can't see any way things will improve, but also I feel what right do I have to leave my husband and make him unhappy, even if it is just him losing face with his family. I hate breaking promises, else why make them in the first place - and I know he's broken his also, but two wrongs don't make a right. Excuse me while I kick myself for my weird logic.

You certainly are not in any responsible for your husbands attitudes and moods. You seem a well grounded and sincere woman, certainly intelligent, who by nature is inclined to trust , love and not question. Easy going personalities , and I am assuming that are one, are those most frequently subjected to a subservient role in a relationship. Pliant acceptance is often misconstrued as weak and abused by manipulators.. You husband appears to be one of them. His comments to you I perceive as abhorrent and without justifications far as I can see.. I say this of course not being privy to the total dynamics of your marriage.

What has gone before , has gone before and this marriage should not be ruled by the experiences of that time. His so called sporting sex lives may be braggadocio on his part to intimidate you with his worldly supremacy but I think he is a fraud and merely a small time loser.

It is however, apparent from his inconsistency and his contentious attitude that his is either embroiled in another affair,or has for some reason developed a disdain for you. I fear that this marriage is on it way to dissolution through no fault of your own.

Thank you for posting your replies, you know, when I see it in black and white it does look bizarre. The whole passive aggressive thing is still so new to me and I know it will take a while to sink in. I had to leave my previous marriage due to abuse (mostly physical) and am thinking that perhaps I should just not be with anyone, that I make people abusive even because I am too passive.

I was told by people that I was directly at fault for the the failure of my last marriage as I didn't 'put my foot down' and I let my husband do whatever he wanted. I assumed I was marrying an adult who didn't need (another) mother but a wife, someone who supported him, didn't nag, gave him freedom to do what he wanted - but I got the 'men can't handle freedom' line from so many people it was insane. I don't believe that, I can't believe that. Men aren't inferior in any way to women or vice versa. And now it seems that someone else that I thought was a great guy has turned out to not be so. I should have seen his lies maybe, been more aware.

Anyway sorry I went off track there a bit, thank you for providing an objective point of view, I'm so close to this thing, I really appreciate your feedback.

It is not you. No way. Please get the idea that you are boring out of your head.

It is not you. No way. Please get the idea that you are boring out of your head.

Slide your high heels on, zip up your dress, pack the suitcase and say GOODBYE sweetly. Then drive and NEVER EVER look back.