Post

Also Confused

A couple of weeks ago I posted my story here asking for advice and I appreciate all that was given.  Yesterday, my wife and I had sex for the first time in almost a year.  However, afterwards I felt completely guilty and I am not sure why.  In my initial post, I mentioned many of our problems (my wife doesn't desire to have sex, we disagree on children (i want them and she doesn't, she has no social support network, etc.).  When we were talking afterward I asked her why she didn't want kids and she said it is because she feels unsettled and adrift.  She hates her job and can't figure out what she wants to do with her life (she has been feeling this way eve since we started dating).  I am just not sure what to think anymore.  I am doubting myself, playing mental games with myself saying maybe if I just hold on things will get better.  I am not sure that I even love my wife anymore (at least romantically...she is a wonderful person and I consider her a friend). 

I feel guilty for having these feelings b/c she wants to stay married, but I just feel like I am in the depths of something and can't get out.  We are seeing a counselor and he has us trying to do sensitization exercises to feel closer.  However, when we do them I feel nothing, I feel detached and my wife has said the same thing.  I am not sure if I am putting off the inevitable, hoping for some kind of miracle or just succombing to inertia.  Anybody else feel this way? Any advice to get out of this funk? I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to keep living like this.

commprof commprof 36-40, M 3 Responses Dec 21, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I agree - you dont have feelings for your wife and you don't even have common goals. That will only lead to more misery and heartache in the end.

Your wife will need to figure out who she is for herself. You can't help with that. The fact that she wants to stay married just says to me that she feels secure being married. It is a safe place to be. But that is not the same as loving marriage or loving you in the way you need.

I have spent 20 years trying to force myself to be in love with my husband. That's a hard thing to admit. But doing so has not given me the life I want or need and has not given him the love he needs.

I wont advise you to move on

But do take a hard look at what it is YOU need. I can honestly say, if you are not getting it now, you won't get it later.

I beg to differ with AmandaXMarie up above: No need to take time. You know the answer. You two do not love eachother and there is no way to counsel yourselves into love.



My advice: cut your losses and split amicably.

Only time will tell.