After 30 Years It's Over

In the beginning we were full of passion and ready to take on anything life threw at us and it did.Life was hard but we stuck together and relied on each other.

At 1o years we had children and worked so hard together to provide for them, as a dad he was  fantastic but we only had sex when I made the first move.

At 20 years we were concentrating on the family but arguing a lot, sex went from once a week to once a month to every other month. He said I didn't dress to please, my hair wasn't right, I had gained a few pounds etc and I rarely got eye contact and he is always too tired.

By 30 yrs we made love once a year then not at all, conversation dried up. I had offers as men noticed me on the rare occasions I went out with friends. I know my figure and face are attractive but I wanted to attract the man I married  though greatly tempted I stopped going out. Arguments and silences became  my life.  He was grumpy all the time ,snappy, tired and gaining weight life was ugly. Trips to the doctor didn't help either. Any attempt to be loving met with derision and humiliation and the critique of my body became more intimate and nasty. I stayed for the children and loathed him.

The children leave home and I can be free of the man I now openly despise but I seem to be used to living in misery .   Eventually he was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and says that his complete loss of libido , mood swings and general apathy was caused by that.   I'm passed caring now.  We are ruined, my life has been one of rejection and humiliation.

I  feel very sorry for myself and for him. We have said and done such nasty things to each other and he said he had no idea he was ill and honestly thought that I was to blame for his lack of interest though he never stopped loving me and wanting to take care of me. As I write this I hear myself saying "what crap"   I want just once in my life before I die to know what it is like to hold a man and feel an man's arms around me. Because he had no desire I just switched mine off and sacrificed my femininity and my needs.

Having been celibate for so many years with  all efforts on my part met with apathy my love has gone but for so many many years I kept finding reasons not to give up on him.  It is so sad to want to divorce now but i do. Why have I left it so long, because I loved him I suppose but I am so lonely.  I'm in my 50's now and feel guilty  and angry and stupid about having any needs at all .


lightbubble lightbubble
56-60, F
6 Responses Jan 5, 2010

I've been married for 34 years and because of me we have a next to nothing relationship emotionally and physically. My husband killed my feelings for him many years ago with his need to control me and his bad temper. I have no feelings for my husband anymore, good, bad, or indifferent. I don't care what he does or where he goes. The problem is, he goes nowhere and does nothing but hang around the house 24/7. I work and he's retired so I never have any time to myself... ever. We have an empty nest and if I had any spine at all I'd take this time of my life and go out on my own. But I am a big coward and a wimp. I stay with the familiar and complain about how depressed, lonely, and unfulfilled my life is. My life is just going through the motions. Isn't that pathetic?

You are not too old and you should not feel guilty. I am 54 years old and have been married for over 30 years. And, more than two months ago, I asked him to move out. He did. I believe that God still has plans for my life. And, He has plans for you too. I'm not foolish or delusional.......I dont know that I will ever remarry or end up by myself........But I know that I was unhappy and sad living with him. And, he wasnt any happier living with me. He was simply comfortable. <br />
Step out in faith.........and choose to open your heart to all of the opportunities to grow.<br />
You deserve the best...........give it to yourself

What sadness. I divorced after 19 years of marriage and two children and it was the hardest most painful thing I have ever done. Although I knew that it was the "right" thing to do, I still feel pained about it. The thought of what it did to my kids etc. is still hard to bear. It is a death. I hope for you that you can do it for yourself if you feel this hurt with this man. It may not solve all your immediate problems but it may help with the most obvious.

God does not give us what we cant handle. Remeber that. It is YOUR life and your RIGHT to LIVE your life. Changes happen, times passes....but happiness for one moment can make you forget all your pass troubles......Move on and stop worrying about HIM - IT's YOUR time to LIVE HAPPILY !<br />
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~ It is also you helping me to make the right moves now early in my Sexless Marraige early on. I already have a year/date to leave if it contines......God give US strength and courage to do so!

LightBubble, <br />
Your writing screams out the pain that you are feeling. Very rarely do I get all teary-eyed when I read the stories here. Your story makes me weep. You sound like a strong courageous woman who deserves much better.

You are not stupid and shouldn't feel guilty. Don't blame it on his illness. My husband rejected me from day one. He too had a thyroid condition and low testosterone, but even after those things were corrected, he still rejected me.<br />
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You deserve to have that feeling before you die. A man's touch, someone to hold you and want you. If it can't be him, then it should be someone else. <br />
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We only get one chance at life. This is it. I don't say there is no pain involved in the breakup of a 30 year union, but how much more of your life can you sacrifice. Do you think on your death bed you are going to be saying, I am so happy I stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage?<br />
I think not my dear.<br />
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Stick around and read our stories.<br />
You are welcome here.<br />