After 30 Years It's Over
In the beginning we were full of passion and ready to take on anything life threw at us and it did.Life was hard but we stuck together and relied on each other.
At 1o years we had children and worked so hard together to provide for them, as a dad he was fantastic but we only had sex when I made the first move.
At 20 years we were concentrating on the family but arguing a lot, sex went from once a week to once a month to every other month. He said I didn't dress to please, my hair wasn't right, I had gained a few pounds etc and I rarely got eye contact and he is always too tired.
By 30 yrs we made love once a year then not at all, conversation dried up. I had offers as men noticed me on the rare occasions I went out with friends. I know my figure and face are attractive but I wanted to attract the man I married though greatly tempted I stopped going out. Arguments and silences became my life. He was grumpy all the time ,snappy, tired and gaining weight life was ugly. Trips to the doctor didn't help either. Any attempt to be loving met with derision and humiliation and the critique of my body became more intimate and nasty. I stayed for the children and loathed him.
The children leave home and I can be free of the man I now openly despise but I seem to be used to living in misery . Eventually he was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and says that his complete loss of libido , mood swings and general apathy was caused by that. I'm passed caring now. We are ruined, my life has been one of rejection and humiliation.
I feel very sorry for myself and for him. We have said and done such nasty things to each other and he said he had no idea he was ill and honestly thought that I was to blame for his lack of interest though he never stopped loving me and wanting to take care of me. As I write this I hear myself saying "what crap" I want just once in my life before I die to know what it is like to hold a man and feel an man's arms around me. Because he had no desire I just switched mine off and sacrificed my femininity and my needs.
Having been celibate for so many years with all efforts on my part met with apathy my love has gone but for so many many years I kept finding reasons not to give up on him. It is so sad to want to divorce now but i do. Why have I left it so long, because I loved him I suppose but I am so lonely. I'm in my 50's now and feel guilty and angry and stupid about having any needs at all .