Refusing To Face Reality
Please forgive me if I have not find the right place to write this. I have been searching the groups and decided to post this here instead of starting a new group. Hopefully it will be of some help to others.
My dear friend that I met over a year ago on Ep recently sent a message to his spouse that he has been separated from for over six months that, after time and consideration, he is seeking a divorce. That it is time for both of them to move on with their lives. He spent four hours composing this message and it was thoughtful and kind. He waited until after the holidays to send this message out of consideration for family members.
Her response was a resounding "No!". Then she started calling family members mudslinging and lying about what he had written. Has involved his elderly mother is what should be a private matter. From what I understand she has portrayed my friend as mentally unstable and falling apart. Quite the opposite. He is realizing that the unstable controlling person in all of this is his wife.
His mother was upset and called my friend after she heard from his wife and he set her straight as to what he had written. His daughter has moved to another country and is not coming back. A trip that was to have been a few months has turned into an indefinate time. His son is moving out of the family home as soon as he can because he cannot deal with his mother's actions. The children are grown so accountable for their own rights to have happiness without all of the drama that their mother is laying on their shoulders. However, this is still making an impression on their wellbeing.
Now my friend was expecting this reaction from his wife but had hoped that she realized that six months apart means he is moving on with his life. He knows that this is upsetting for her financial status will change. He has been supporting two households during this time. His and hers. That time is coming to an end and if she does not face reality all that will happen is that lawyers will fatten their pockets at both of their expenses.
When divorce is inevitable two things can happen. Both parties can act like sensible adults and make the best possible arraignments both emotionally and financially. Realize that the bonds and contract of marriage has been broken and part as amicable friends in the best case scenario. Not involve innocent parties to their own benefit and go on with their lives.
The alternative to a rational ending is what my friend is facing. Endless ranting and blame. Refusing to face what has been years in the making. Lying about the facts and distortion of truths. Laying the blame on those who are blameness. Involving innocent people with all of the angst that is unnecessary. Using the children as pawns in a twisted mind game of false statements and 'woe is me' attitudes.
I have been facing the same things in my own divorce and seperation. My children have been put in the middle here also but now are coming to an understanding of my life and my needs. I have their support. I have my friends and they understand.
As adults we have choices. Marriages do end. It is reality but we have the choice to end a marriage with compassion and rational thinking. To keep the hurt at a level that does the least harm to all involved. To be fair with our partners and keep our emotions in check through one of the most difficult experiences that we will ever face in life.
Loss of controlling another person results in this kind of mudslinging and lies that my friend is dealing with. That I am also dealing with in my own life. The controller and refuser sees control slipping away and reaches out in anger to anyone in their path. Denial of their part in the death of a life that they were quite happy in living brings out the worst in these types of control freaks. They are quite willing to destroy any good feelings that might be left and decimate family and friends to reach their own twisted agenda. This is self serving and cruel and the repercussions have life long consequences of bad feelings and hurt that are unnecessary to all involved.