Refusing To Face Reality

Please forgive me if I have not find the right place to write this. I have been searching the groups and decided to post this here instead of starting a new group. Hopefully it will be of some help to others.

My dear friend that I met over a year ago on Ep recently sent a message to his spouse that he has been separated from for over six months that, after time and consideration, he is seeking a divorce. That it is time for both of them to move on with their lives. He spent four hours composing this message and it was thoughtful and kind. He waited until after the holidays to send this message out of consideration for family members.

Her response was a resounding "No!". Then she started calling family members mudslinging and lying about what he had written. Has involved his elderly mother is what should be a private matter. From what I understand she has portrayed my friend as mentally unstable and falling apart. Quite the opposite. He is realizing that the unstable controlling person in all of this is his wife.

His mother was upset and called my friend after she heard from his wife and he set her straight as to what he had written. His daughter has moved to another country and is not coming back. A trip that was to have been a few months has turned into an indefinate time. His son is moving out of the family home as soon as he can because he cannot deal with his mother's actions. The children are grown so accountable for their own rights to have happiness without all of the drama that their mother is laying on their shoulders. However, this is still making an impression on their wellbeing.

Now my friend was expecting this reaction from his wife but had hoped that she realized that six months apart means he is moving on with his life. He knows that this is upsetting for her financial status will change. He has been supporting two households during this time. His and hers. That time is coming to an end and if she does not face reality all that will happen is that lawyers will fatten their pockets at both of their expenses.

When divorce is inevitable two things can happen. Both parties can act like sensible adults and make the best possible arraignments both emotionally and financially. Realize that the bonds and contract of marriage has been broken and part as amicable friends in the best case scenario. Not involve innocent parties to their own benefit and go on with their lives.

The alternative to a rational ending is what my friend is facing. Endless ranting and blame. Refusing to face what has been years in the making. Lying about the facts and distortion of truths. Laying the blame on those who are blameness. Involving innocent people with all of the angst that is unnecessary. Using the children as pawns in a twisted mind game of false statements and 'woe is me' attitudes.

I have been facing the same things in my own divorce and seperation. My children have been put in the middle here also but now are coming to an understanding of my life and my needs. I have their support. I have my friends and they understand.

As adults we have choices. Marriages do end. It is reality but we have the choice to end a marriage with compassion and rational thinking. To keep the hurt at a level that does the least harm to all involved. To be fair with our partners and keep our emotions in check through one of the most difficult experiences that we will ever face in life.

Loss of controlling another person results in this kind of mudslinging and lies that my friend is dealing with. That I am also dealing with in my own life. The controller and refuser sees control slipping away and reaches out in anger to anyone in their path. Denial of their part in the death of a life that they were quite happy in living brings out the worst in these types of control freaks. They are quite willing to destroy any good feelings that might be left and decimate family and friends to reach their own twisted agenda. This is self serving and cruel and the repercussions have life long consequences of bad feelings and hurt that are unnecessary to all involved.


dartist dartist
56-60, F
7 Responses Jan 5, 2010

ThisIsNotEnough, Yes the blinders are now off. Hopefully the realization of the inevitable will sink in and she will start to focus on what is best in the long run. That it is best to part with some sense of maturity at least for her children's sake. Thank you for your comment and I hope that your break will be amicable for the sake of your child. and all involved. <br />
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My thoughts are with you and I wish you all of the best. D.

Windylindy, I hope that your break up is better than this. Some hurt is inevitable but it can be kept to a minimum with a mature attitude. What my friend is going through brings to mind other male friends that I have known who were emotionally and financially ripped off with lies and vindictive spouses. <br />
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One man left his wife with a paid off house and car. Paid spousal support for almost twenty years and his child support regularly and still she forged his name on insurance policies and neglected to use money that he sent her for property taxes so he had to catch up on this and utilities so his children would have heat and electric and a roof over their heads. It left him bitter because he trusted her to do the right thing. <br />
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Another has three fairly young children and his ex pushed him emotionally to the point that he almost had a break down.She made court ordered visits impossible and he has been fighting legally for over two years to have his paternal rights enforced. The victims in this are three children who need their father to remain a part of their lives. No wonder people give up and move away from the pain when it becomes so hopeless.<br />
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I know that women face this too and I am not diminishing the fact that this happens to women as well as men. One of my dearest girlfriends was left homeless because she trusted in a man that told her that he loved her and would stand by her only to steal money from her and leave her penniless. Thankfully she met a good man who is loving and has given her a good life but she still beats herself up for being so trusting years ago. <br />
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My best wishes to you and I will keep you in my thoughts. D.

KFC, Thank you for your support and understanding. My friend has done all he can not to smear his ex to be to family members and friends. He has taken the high road in every way he can in hopes that she would come to some realization. When many men would have just walked away and left her in dire financial straits he has continued to maintain her lifestyle for over six months at his own detriment financially. No court order but out of respect for trying to do the right thing. In return he has been met with hate and lies however he is an exceptional person and taking this in stride and I admire him for this. <br />
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I know that you have tried to keep things peaceful in your situation and I also admire you for your attitude KFC. All the best to you.<br />
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Love, D.

AnarChristian, Perhaps you have missed the point of my story? Divorce is messy. What could not be messy is involving innocent people in the line of the fire with anger and lies. Hurting an elderly parent with calls that upset her because she has been put in the middle of one's hate and distortions. Driving children to the point that one of them goes to another country and another is leaving the home as soon as possible. <br />
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Divorce is painful under the best of circumstance and people can act in two ways. Act like adults and take responsibility for their actions or lash out at everyone in their path and cause the most hurt and harm possible. When one party lives in denial of their actions that have brought this to its inevitable conclusion, the fallout for people that have had nothing to do with the problem only brings to them the realization that some people are toxic and controlling and distort of the truth.

Dartist,<br />
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I am so sorry that things are going like this for your friend. I would think after being seperated for 6 months prior to this, that she would have been anticipating it. But I guess this is her last bout of seeing things through rose colored glasses, and the blinders have been taken off now.<br />
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I fully expect something ugly like this when I am finally able to make my exit as well. I would hope that we could part in a decent manner for at least our child's sake.

D: Unfortunately, this happens a lot. I feel fortunate in my own situation, but I have rolled over a lot to keep things peaceful and amicable.<br />
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The only thing I can say is stay strong both of you. It will all work itself out the way it was meant to.<br />
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Hang in there D.<br />
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Lots of love<br />

What are you asking? <br />
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You want your boy-friend to not have a messy divorce?!?