Long Road

Hi all,  I just signed up and read some of the stories on hear and felt like sharing my story.  I am 54 yrs old and my wife is 47 and weve been married 27 yrs with a son 23 and a daoughter 21.  I dated my wife two yrs before we married and I remember that we had a lot of passion for each other and we had sex at least a couple of time a week for maybe the first two yrs of our marriage.  The sex we had wasn't bouncing off the walls type but we both seemed to enjoy it and she was able to have regular ******'s.  Then we would lay in bed and hold each other until sleep took us over.  Then it seemed that gradually things started to change over the yrs.  Now we have sex maybe 3 or 4 time a yr and my wife never has *******.  Over the yrs she started to kiss me less and less and and the passion is non  existant.  Now if we have sex we lie in bed and she will give little pecks for kisses and will point her head up and away from me as if I have bad breath.  I am a nice looking man trim and fit and she is a very pretty lady and is very fit and trim.  We both execise to stay fit.  So, over the yrs I have tried to talk to her about sex and it alway's ends in an argument.  I still have a big sex drive for my age and it causes me a lot of anguish.  I have never cheated on her and am reasonablly sure she hasn't either.  I have tried to bring the passion back by making dates with her, like going out to eat then to a movie and a night in a motel with flowers and wine and the whole nine yards.  i would leave sticky note with little messages of my love for her.  We share the household chores.  I clean the entire house once or twice a week,and I am a very good cook and have always cooked meals for my family.  My wife does all of the laundry and pays the bills. I have been a good father to my children and have tried to be a good husband. 

So, now what, well all I want is two things.  First I want to feel desirable, and second I want to have sex with my wife and feel that she desires me.  I desire her,she looks sexy,and has a great figure.  I don't want to sound egotistical but I no I am a nice looking man cause I have had other women tell me so, even lately.  I feel that maybe I am the problem.  Maybe she just doesn't desire me.  I can't make her desire me.   Well I don't know what else to say now except that I havn't had sex in 3 mths and I havn't had good sex 25 yrs.   If you don't have good sex once in a while and you don't feel desirable your not alive.  This is the only life we get and I want to feel alive again!!!!!!

There you have it!


Stargaizer Stargaizer
13 Responses Jan 11, 2010

Here I was thinking I was hard done by and then I read your story. I too look after my wife by sharing the household duties however when bed time comes its sleeping only. She says she likes me near but sex is out of the question.three years ago she had a prolapse operation and this altered her cervix and made sex painful for her,
I commend you for your patience and urge you to see if she will get help with her libedo

Your story is sad and I can relate to it. I am sure her history of sexual abuse is part of the problem, and now that the kids are grown, the marriage seems useless. Menopause is possibly part of the issue as well. I don't think she ever got over the sexual abuse. My wife had a similar situation when she lost her virginity at around 13. The guy of about 16 basically raped her vaginally and anally on their first "real date" at his parents house (although she consented to losing her virginity, he was not "nice" by any means), then dumped her the next day, he had another girl pregnant at the time. This messed her up with sexual and emotional issues. I don't think she ever healed from this, never had therapy, and 40 years later, I am having similar issues, although not to the degree you are.

Hi Doug, I understand all too well, I would love for my husband to just smile at me, I have tried everything, back rubs, kisses, you name it and I get the cold sholder. I am only 36 and not bad looking, I still got it, but he doesn't want it. All I want is to feel wanted again. SO yes, I understand.<br />

Divorce her and please get on with your life! MY GOD... these days YOU IN NO WAY ARE TRAPPED!!! You are Only trapped if your Catholic upbringing (et.al) is in complete control of you! HAHAHAHAHA<br />
Be me, Be adventurous, be daring, be Gay! After you jack, you never go back!

Congratulations on finally telling your story! I told mine less than a week ago and it was one of the more freeing things I've done in some time; I hope you have a similarly positive experience.<br />
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It's stunning to me that a woman wouldn't respond to all the things you've done if she still had love for you. Is there another thing that has happened that would have diminished the love?<br />
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I agree with the comments about menopause; it's an awfully confusing time for we women and there might be a key there...although clearly this is a long-standing problem.<br />
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If she's uncomfortable with talking about sex, maybe you could talk about how you sense that her feelings for you have changed. I think refusers get defensive when talking about lack of sex and that just makes things worse.

Hi Stargaizer................I know it doesn't help but you are definitely not alone in your situation. I also am in a situation where I truly LOVE my wife but she has almost NO desire for sex anymore. I have a Huge sexual appetite and can never get enough but am truly frustrated with my situation. I would feel TOTALLY awful if I were to tell her I wanted a divorce, not sure why but it just makes me seem to be a VERY selfish person. She has been an awesome mother to our children and wife to me for 28 years, and it seems wrong to throw all that away. I hope that you can come up with a solution to out problem and share it with the rest of us.

I feel your pain<br />
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My wife has done the exact same thing in regards to the kissing, and when evever I try to show her any non sexual affection. The problem is as people who love our wives it does a number on us to think we are hurting them. Yet we allow them to hurt us everyday.<br />
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I have often explained to my wife over the years the very same advice Dr. Laura gave would result in a whole different life for the both of us. I don't get how a wife thinks she can withold intamcy from her husband and he can do his best in life feeling unloved, unwanted and undesirable.

Hi again. Thanks for all your responses. Maybe I need to give a little more background here. After we were married my wife told me she was sexually molested as a young girl. She also grew up in a fatherless home and her mother raised four kids cleaning houses and living off of welfare and food stamps. My wife is very uncomfortable talking about sex and will just clam up about it and if I press the issue it will lead to an argument. In the beginning of our marriage she seemed interested in sex with me then as time went by and the kids came along we had sex less. When your wife stops kissing you less and she turns her head away from you and you can tell by the way she does kiss with no passion at all you feel rejected. So I stop turning to her at bed time just to cuddle and rub her back . So now when we go to bed and I would like to just cuddle she thinks all I want is sex. For instance one night I turned to her and started rubbing her back and her head which she really likes, then she pulls her panties off and lies there and says what are you waiting for, this is what you want isn't it! I said no this isn't what I want I want you to want me. Needless to to say I just rolled over and went to sleep. I don't think she is going through menopause now. <br />
I have thought about leaving and the consequences that will have. I worked hard all my life to provide a nice home for my family and am still paying for college for my daughter. If I divorced her that means selling our nice home and me paying her between $1000.00 to $2000.00 a month in maintenance. Plus all the hurt feelings for my family.<br />
I remember listening to Dr Laura on the radio one day while driving home from work . A young woman called in and said she had two young girls and she was a stay at home mom. She was worried that some day her husband would loose interest in her some day and leave her for another woman and she only had a high school education. Dr Laura told her to meat him at the door every day when he comes home with a big kiss and an I love you. Then a couple of times a week show him a rip snorting good time in the bed room. Being the mother of his two children no woman could compete with that! What man doesn't want his wife to do that. Well I guess thats for the lucky few.<br />
Thanks again.<br />

Hi, I'm a sexologist from Copenhagen;Denmark and I was wondering.. these arguments of yours, what are they about? Often sexual problems come down to not being aware of each others needs.<br />
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So how is the communication between you two? Maybe I should ask: What went wront 25 years ago?

I am sad after reading your story. I see and feel alot of my own life in your story. Especially the kissing part. I asked my wife if she would open her mouth when she kissed me one night in bed. Her reply in disgust was " what you want me to make out with you or something" Imagine that, wanting to make out with your wife!<br />
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I have to agree with Tainted pixie though. If something is important to my wife, it happend. I have often though "what if my sex drive was low and my wifes was high"? What if the situation was reversed? I'll tell you what. I would do my best to make her happy, because I LOVE HER! I don't think refusers get that. Love is about giving. Love is wanting to do things for your partner, Love is about putting your partners needs before yours. The issue is when your married to someone who believes thier needs are more important than yours and you believe thier needs are more important than yours, your needs do not ever get met. And I am not just talking about sex. One year for our anniverary my wife came home to several gifts, a card and a nice dinner and she looked at me and said "oh we still celebrate that"? I was stunned beyond belief.<br />
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Whay did I stay in for so long? Because I loved her. Plain and simple. I figured that If I just kept trying, we could work it out. Issue was as I am sure you can guess is I was the only one trying. I was the only one trying to improve, I was the one to initiate counciling, I was the one to initiate counciling, etc, etc.<br />
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I hate to say this as I am going through it now and it sucks, but your only choice is to leave. If you have not had good sex in 25 years, she is not going to change and you will only put yourself through a lot of pain trying.<br />
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Good luck.

When I first realized that my husband truly didn't enjoy having sexual relations to me I was shocked. Who wouldn't enjoy sexual relations? Not only was it an emotional encounter, it was also a tremendous physical release between a husband and wife who vowed to love each other forever. When did forever end? When I realized that I desired him, more than he desired me and when I realized that he could actually live without intimacy and I couldn't. <br />
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I use to say I LOVE MY HUSBAND ... until one day I realized .. how could I love someone who treated me with such neglect and disrespect for my needs? We went to a physician and he was given ED meds. These do work, but they won't bring desire back into the marriage. <br />
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Sometimes it is what it is ... and husbands and wives are not sexually matched. One loses their interest and drive and the other partner does without. Eventually the marriage falters because the refused resents the loss of intimacy. When there are sexual problems, there will be other problems in the marriage. Intimacy is a key component in a marriage. Don't under rate the need to be sexual with your spouse ... it is a normal want and desire.

The hardest part of all of this, and that I find so freaky on this forum is that all of us actually love our partners, we will do anything for them...... And the saddest part is that it seems not to be the case with our Significant others...............I wish we could with hold something from them that they find so dear and important and see how they will react.... Will they have as much patience as we do?

I think you wife is going through menopause. That is an rough time emotionally and physically on a woman. It is also a process that can take several years.<br />
Has she discussed menopause with you? <br />
In addition to hormonal changes the can affect libido, many women will have some depression relating to feeling "less of a woman" and simply being sad over the very real sign that they are aging.<br />
Before you run off and do something you will regret - look down the obvious avenues. Hormone replacement creams have been very effective for some women during menopause. Simple therapy can address the emotional changes.<br />
You sound like a very caring man - use that quality to help your wife first. <br />
Keep in mind that she may be reluctant to discuss menopause with you. For many women their ability to procreate is a huge part of how they identify themselves. <br />
Thats my take anyway - good luck to you both.