I Do Not Feel Like A Woman Anymore...

I feel like I am in your situation and I am a guy, so if you figure this out shoot me an e-mail.

Speaking as a man, the best way to make him re-find his sex drive is to make him jealous. It sounds like he loves you and you him but he's got a bit soft and complacent. Do some exercise for a few weeks and drop a few hints about some hypothetical (or actual!) man who kept looking at you then was asking questions. HE WILL GO F******* APES**T and suddenly miraculously refind his sex drive. If not give it a few more months of exercise etc and if no joy then you've got a real choice to make.

I hope you can work your marriage out, I had similar problems seven years into my marriage I thought I was wasting my life in a sexless marriage, I shamefully went out and had an affair to to have a thrill. After telling my husband about it I was in hopes he would let me go instead he enrolled us into theraphy, I hadn't been diagnoused with a mental illness yet. Shortly after the affair I came to my senses and than I tried to commit sucide, so after all the help I received I finally fell in love with my husband like never before and we are happily married after 23 years. Because of my mental illness and meds I do shut down sexually at times and my husband understands than when I feel better we have a real good sex live. I want and wish this for you and your husband.

Whats ur name?

Move on. Quick as you can. At 33 your sex life should be adventurous and frequent. You should be having fun, traveling whenever you can, You should have huge love for then one you are with.



You will not get a better seat in heavan by letting someone mess your life up. Be strong. xx

I hate to be the crude one here because I generally leave that to others, but aside from everyone else has already told you, I think it is a huge red flag that you say the best sex you ever had was with him and he has the best equipment of anyone you've been with. Bounce that off of your first paragraph where you say that in your previous relationships you felt like a sex goddess and now you feel like an inadequate dork.



You are falling not only for his lies, but you have fallen prey to one of the most common pitfalls of romance gone bad. You have allowed someone to disregard you in the hopes of getting great sex again. It is like a drug and the longer you go without, the more you build it up in your mind as the best thing you've ever had. I'm not fully convinced it was the best sex you've ever had. Typically, the best sex ever doesn't leave you feeling like an inadequate dork. The sex you had with him felt so fantastic because you were falling in love with the rest of him. Sex with someone you love is always better because of the hormonal flow. However, I'd be willing to bet that if your husband told you right now that he wanted sex and you had it, it would be mediocre if not downright disappointing.



Do not let him continue walking all over you and your normal desires for affection and sex. Don't kid yourself into believing that you cannot have fantastic sex elsewhere. Don't cheat yourself out of another four years because you are worried about money. Very rarely does a divorce lead to someone starving and homeless. I would rather be poor and counting every penny, but free to love and be happy however I choose than to live comfortably and feel miserable, depressed, and alone.



My advice is for you to go to the marriage counseling, go to individual counseling to work on your depression and self-esteem, and go back out there and win your friends back or make some new ones. You ARE the most important person in your life and now is the time to start acting like it.

So many of the excuses sound like ones I've heard before. It's all BS! You need to get to the root of the problem or you marriage is doomed. Drag him to counseling. Do whatever needs to be done for his sake and yours. This is NOT normal reaction to marriage problems. Your husband has intimacy issues. Please get resolution to this! And don't have kids until you do. (You may want to read my stories. I could have written something similar to your story when I was 30. Now I'm 36 with 2 kids and my husband is leaving me.)

it sounds like he is gay.

I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts with me. it is true, my marriage has big contradictions that balance themselves out and it´s easy to wanna stay in the middle and tolerate it, but Vegassbaby said it perfectly, and I have thought it too, this is a form of abuse, especially because he knows that in order to save our marriage and pump life into my heart, he only has to initiate sexual contact. He knows what he´s doing and he´s choosing not to care.



He has insisted that he´s a visual man, he hates the clothes I wear (non-sexy) and that to see me so depressed has contributed to killing his desire.



I am only 33....living the life of an 80-year-old.

"truly the perfect match" - well sorta kinda not really



In light of your sexual troubles and communication issues this perfect match statement is akin to saying "these are the perfect pants, only they dont fit, and the style is just too high waisted, and I dont like the cuff on the bottom"



Please do not think I am judging in any way, If you read my own stories on here you will find a woman who is as conflicted as anyone else about her marriage.



You are already considering leaving. That says a lot about the hope you place in finding balance in your marriage. I dont recommend making threats to make him change. Threats will be seen as non-action and therefore moot. Threats just make us angry but they are never taken seriously without equal action.



I think it is perfectly fine to tell him what and why you are unhappy. It is OK to suggest solutions. It is OK to hear him out if he has solutions he wants to present.

But if you tell him that you are considering leaving, you had better be prepared to do so. Not to show him you are serious - he will either believe you or not at his will.

But you need to keep your own values and appreciate your needs and be willing to take real action to have what you want.

I totally hear you on this one! While reading, I found myself saying 'Yup, I know how she feels." I have asked my H the 'whys' and such and he says that he doesn't know or 'I am used to dry spells.' WTF? I have been to a therapist but he wont go saying that he doesn't need to go.



I (and the rest of us) are here for you even just to vent. I hope you find some solace writing down your feelings and getting some support! xooxoxo

I think Yemanya said it very well. Please stay with this group, read more stories, and share. You will find support and understanding, and even some "tough love" here.

Blessings.

Sorry to find you here - you are not alone. Read around there are many women on this site. I also was shocked / confused to find myself married to a man who wasn't full of desire. Had never experienced it before my husband.



You want to know why, to understand -- but that may be chasing shadows - his reasons change or the desire for knowledge keeps you on hold. And you assume he knows why - maybe he doesn't. My counselor told me "you may never know why, and you need to accept it". What you do know is that you desire touch, love, affection, intimacy and your needs are not met -- you feel undesirable.



You can't imagine falling out of love? Well sexlessness (including lack of being desired, wanted, intimately loved) is toxic to a marriage. It rarely comes up and bangs you over the head one day with a clear vision as to what you are losing in terms of self and partnership. No it is more insidious than that. It does not announce itself. And then your husband denies it - he wants you, loves you (my H says the same). So we are working through the fog and inconsistencies alone.



The lack of intimacy is is a a poison that builds up -- over time -- and sucks the life out both the marriage and you.



Marriage counseling is not more expensive than divorce, nor is it more costly than losing your self slowly. It may not fix things but may give some help / insight by an objective third party.



Best of luck!

Your situation seems really complicated. Or, like many of us when we first tell our story, things kind of come rushing out...There are a lot of opposing statements you make...eg: you are perfectly matched, yet you fought for the first two years you were together. You don't have to justify that...life is kind of like that and it's what makes your situation difficult. I highly doubt that the two of you will be able to solve this without proffessional counseling, so of you haven't done this already, I recommend couples therapy and individual therapy if recommended by your joint therapist. Best of luck.