Want A New Life, Too Chicken To Give Up The Old.

My husband and I have been married 10 years, come this July.  Of those, 6 have been sexless.  No intimacy at all.  He doesn't like to snuggle, touch, "play", no passionate kisses.. just a  peck now and then.  I have asked him why so many times.  First he said he was tired, then stressed, then jobs changed and he was happy, but still nothing.  So he said it must be medical.. so he went to dr. and had his testosterone levels check, came back within normal range.  Then he made a comment that it was my weight.  So I have underwent gastric bypass surgery and have lost 100 lbs.  Do to size 16/14 misses.  And still NOTHING.

So I have told him I want a divorce.  I am finally tired of waiting... I want intimacy, passion, sex and if I can't have it with him while I am married, then...

The problem now, he says he will finally make an effort to change, to be there, in all ways.  But after 6 yrs, I am afraid too many walls have been built to protect myself that now, I honestly don't know if I WANT sex with him.  I feel I have fallen out of love for him.  But I know I still care deeply and don't want to hurt him.  He is a wonderful man and my best friend, but I don't want a roommate, and I feel sex with him would just be scratching an itch.. so to speak.  

I am so confused.

wyoctry wyoctry
41-45, F
5 Responses Jan 25, 2010

noideasleft, you said exactly what I wanted to say. I just did not know how to put it into words. There is so much to my life I could not possiably put it in one post.<br />
I know exactly how all of you feel. It's like have a room mate. I love him but could almost through him out on his ear. <br />
I really hope your situation gets better. I don't like broken homes. I've been through one and it's not fun.<br />
Anyone who wants to talk feel free to mail me.<br />

This is just my experience, but we went for over a year w/o sex. The longer you go without that affection, no matter how much you care for each other, the harder it gets to even initiate sex. It took a near affair for one of us to see what was important to us and during a very emotional time, we began to try to be intimate again. It wasn't good at first, but it got better. We will never go that long again because it would probably be the end of us. Good luck to you.

Yes, welcome to this sad little club... Here's my bleak assessment ... if he was going to have a sex drive for you... he would already have it... what is he waiting for... if not that very instant then when?<br />
It is right there in front of your face... he is never going to rock your world sexually... for who knows why.. but he isn't there for you in that way...<br />
<br />
I think you're better off if you find a new lover... married or not.<br />
<br />
james<br />

I think you should move forward with the divorce. He rejected you for 6 years, you had major surgery in the hopes of being more appealing to him and nothing changed. Now that you are asserting yourself, he claims he can change. Sorry, but I think you know that he had his chances...he will lure you back and maybe even be affectionate for a while...but how is really going to change his ways? It's just not going to happen. You are still in the prime of your life, you probably feel much better about yourself having lost the weight...go out and find a man who can love you and appreciate you and enjoy the rest of your life!!

There is no doubt that you are confused. There is a direct contradiction when you can say that you think you c no longer love him and yet care deeply for him and don't care to hurt him. It is my perception that after six years of this charade his desire to now change is merely a canard on his part with which to hold a pending divorce at bay. This situation has gone on much too long and for any possible resurrection and I perceive you are deluding yourself when you think it will..It may well be just a rhetorical argument you are presenting here.<br />
<br />
People very seldom change no matter how much we wish for or pray that they might.<br />
<br />
I would be delighted to find that I am completely wrong on this but my experiences over the years have always supported my negative views on this. Summon up your courage , and if you are truly sincere in seeking a better chance for a life with intimacy move on without him.