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Same As Many, But Unique I'm Sure

 

I haven't read many stories on this blog; I'm new to it.  But from what I read, it does strike me that many are living with the same pain and discomfort.  I will be married 20 years this Spring to a good woman - in many respects.  She has her faults, like everyone else.  Unfortunately, we have grown apart sexually for many years.  It may have started after the birth of our second child - about 11 years ago.  She had some vaginal tearing as the baby came out much faster than what the OB was ready for.  Subsequently, she has never been able to have intercourse without a good bit of pain.  She's been to several GYN's who've definitively diagnosed her problem.  She was recommended conservative treatment (non surgical) and if that would not work, surgery would correct the scar tissue problem.  This diagnosis and treatment process has taken the better part of the last 5 years.  My wife has never followed through with the treatment and doesn't seem motivated to get this problem "fixed" surgically. Of course beyond intercourse, there are many other forms of sexual pleasure between a man and a woman.  But in my case, my wife is just not motivated or very interested.  My wife and I have been to years and years of marital counseling. We even read and were counseled by a disciple of Dr. Snarth – the Passionate Marriage guru. I believe we’re both at a point of understanding why we have the problems we have; but we are running out of motivation to make our life better. I’ve come to realize my wife is who she is. Our primary (only?) motivation for staying together seems to be the welfare of our two children (both still in school; both still living at home). Our life is one of “polite cooperation” on many fronts, interspersed with tense exchanges and subtle disrespect for each other. Our children seem to be OK…so for now, we are not willing to go anywhere. The root of the problem, perhaps, is for years I’ve wanted her to be something other than who she is (more sexy, more career oriented, more self assured, etc). I’m sure I’ve communicated this both directly and indirectly. I tried to back out of our wedding 20+ years ago once I realized she perhaps wasn’t the right person for me. She threatened me that she would never have anything to do with me again if I did back out…and I caved in. I should have taken her up on the threat. I’ve probably never been able to get past this on some level. How sad. And in turn, this negative view of mine has poisoned her ability to become sexually (emotionally) motivated in our relationship. Recently, I’ve taken the tack of letting go and not pressuring her on pretty much anything. Our communication is virtually nothing, except when it comes to matters concerning kids and everyday living (always something to talk about perhaps).My sex drive is much stronger than my wife’s. Add all this up, and it’s easy to see how I’m living in the situation I find myself. There are many questions I have…and that’s why I’m here. Are there other folks in situations similar to mine? How do you cope and feel good about yourself? How do you define happiness in your sexless marriage? How do keep from straying? I’ve been considering this very carefully over the past 3 months; but I realize if I would stray, my life would become very complicated and I’m not in favor of that. Besides, I’m basically an honest person and it would run counter to my basic being.Thanks for reading if you got this far. I look forward to sharing ideas, gripes, info as time goes on. 
Gr8Golf Gr8Golf 46-50, M 8 Responses Jan 31, 2010

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Golfer - it's yet another reason why we love golf - it is fun, healthy, a physical release and allows us to forget this sadness in our lives...<br />
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there are so many golf jokes about 'being late' to the first tee

Gr8, I am in a similar situation. My wife of 30+ years was never sexually "adventurous" in our marriage, but we did make love about three times a week with some level of mutual satisfaction. As we both aged (we're now in our mid 50's, no kids) sex became a once a week duty to her, 20 minutes, get your rocks off and move on to the "to do list" of other things. <br />
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I'm in good shape and very virile. I would be pleased with six times a week, an hour of foreplay-intercourse-afterglow and maybe a few quickies during the week when we're too busy for that. She began going through menopause about a year and a half ago, and besides the emotional rollercoaster (that's subsided) she has experienced vaginal thinning, atrophy and dryness. Lubrication does not work, vaginal intercourse is painful and injurious to her. We talked about HRT (Rx and Bio-Identical Natural) but are both hesitant as cancer is a real risk with these treatments. <br />
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She has said that clitoral stimulation hurts, but I know she sometimes masturbates before sleep. When pressed about it, she says she doesn't like stimulation (nipples, clitoris) because there is no intercourse to follow (all worked up and no place to go). We talk about this and she says she wants to try and work with me, but we never seem to resolve the disparity. Sex for me is mostly internet **** and ************. Maybe once a week or twice if I'm lucky, I can get her into bed for some foreplay (kissing, hugging) moving to ************ (I do it) and outercourse. Like all men, I crave some form of penetrative sex (vaginal, oral, anal) at least at ******, and she isn't willing to do these things for me or barely even touch me. So, I feel very psychologically empty like I am missing something, although I love her deeply and she seems to love me as well.<br />
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She has told me to go get a hooker (not my style) and an I am sure an affair would lead to emotional attachment and ruin the marriage (same reason I don't want a hooker, sex is an emotional act to me). She says she can't wait for me to go through male menopause and not want to do sex, if what we are doing can be called sex. Seems like if men stay fit and healthy, there's no reason that sex drive goes away, though it may diminish. <br />
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We (you and I) are both on a model railroad track, going in circles and never arriving at the destination we want. Difference is you have kids. As you mentioned, you need to maintain the relationship with the kids and not desert them, but know that as they become teens, they will grow up, rebel and have their own relationships that will diminish the closeness you have with them, which will ultimately make you feel empty. <br />
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At the same time, you need to be happy and sex is a part of your happiness in life. I don't have any answers. I do know that if I had an issue where I could not attain an erection and she had sexual desires, I would do anything possible to please her (orally, manually, toys), so there is obviously some disconnect between us. She barely touches me, I make all the advances, give her long, non-sexual massages, hugs, kisses, etc. Says it's the lack of libido from menopause, which I can understand to some degree, but she knows this weighs on me greatly. I am ready to sleep in the guest bedroom as I often lay in bed crazy with desire to touch her and make love, when all I get is a peck on the lips goodnight. <br />
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It seems that both our wives should make it a priority to do more to meet us somewhere in the middle, try other ways of satisfying our needs or seek medical remedies to the issues (your situation). Problem is, what will it take to motivate them? Do I have to leave the bedroom or leave the house to get her to realize how this makes me feel? <br />
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Some men have said they look for (and find) a woman who is in a sexless marriage and have a sexual relationship with them about twice a month. If both parties want to stay in the marriage they are in, everybody is happy. Maybe this is the answer.<br />
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I will bookmark this post and see what happens, let you know what happens with me. Take care.

It's good to know others are out there who have very similar issues. Thanks for reading my story. Lonelysam's advice on connecting with my kids is certainly valid (but even if I had a great sexual relationship with my partner, I'd want to connect with my kids). I also know that as my kids get older, they need to detach emotionally from me and my wife (part of healthy adolescent development) - so I don't want to get into a situation of leaning on them emotionally as I'd transfer emotional needs to my relationship with them. And my wife is not controlling - in fact, perhaps alot of guys would love her and her very hands off attitude about things. That's one of our root problems, she's not an equal in our relationship emotionally.

Just curious. You say you wanted her to be some thing other than who she is, before you married her. Is that flat out a com plete 180 you expected, or were you trying to encourage her to bring out those qualities she already possessed but maybe just lacked the confidence to show. She must take responsibilites for her own medical care, you can not control that. You say you have grown apart sexually over the years intimating you once had a compatible relationship, so I doubt you should be claiming responsibility for the 'poisoning of her abilities to be sexually and emotionally connected '. Living in a home of polite cooperations is difficult. Read, listen and gleen what you will from all here. You will come to the co nclusion that is right for you in the end.

Gr8, I think your situation is my future. Like you I am trying to gain back my self confidence that seems to have gradually been sucked out of me. I am trying to remember what I was like when I like myself. When was the last time you really liked yourself and where you were in life? I bet it has been years. I guess a lot of soul searching is what you need along with some fun. What do you like to do with your kids? Is your wife controlling? If so, don't let her control anymore. Agree if you want to agree and do not if you do not want to. What have you got to lose? Straying is not an option for me either. I know that I could not handle all the deception. Don't know what to do but am trying to focus on me and the kids. You should also.

Gr8, I think your situation is my future. Like you I am trying to gain back my self confidence that seems to have gradually been sucked out of me. I am trying to remember what I was like when I like myself. When was the last time you really liked yourself and where you were in life? I bet it has been years. I guess a lot of soul searching is what you need along with some fun. What do you like to do with your kids? Is your wife controlling? If so, don't let her control anymore. Agree if you want to agree and do not if you do not want to. What have you got to lose? Straying is not an option for me either. I know that I could not handle all the deception. Don't know what to do but am trying to focus on me and the kids. You should also.

GreatGolf, <br />
I have no advice for you but after reading your story, I feel like I am talking to the Ghost of Christmas future.

Gr8,<br />
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Wow.. <br />
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Others here will be able to help you gain some of the insight you are looking for. <br />
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The only insight I can offer (as a woman who had an affair with a man trapped in a sexless marriage) is this... If you do decide to stray, please do so with a woman who is also married.<br />
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Yes, it does add to the potential complications, but speaking from the stand point of a single, independent woman with no children, it hurts like hell, being that emotionally close to man who is pretty much in jail... And it ended up breaking both of our hearts, that we couldn't have all that we both wanted. <br />
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I feel for ya Gr8. You are FAR from alone.