Same As Many, But Unique I'm Sure
I haven't read many stories on this blog; I'm new to it. But from what I read, it does strike me that many are living with the same pain and discomfort. I will be married 20 years this Spring to a good woman - in many respects. She has her faults, like everyone else. Unfortunately, we have grown apart sexually for many years. It may have started after the birth of our second child - about 11 years ago. She had some vaginal tearing as the baby came out much faster than what the OB was ready for. Subsequently, she has never been able to have intercourse without a good bit of pain. She's been to several GYN's who've definitively diagnosed her problem. She was recommended conservative treatment (non surgical) and if that would not work, surgery would correct the scar tissue problem. This diagnosis and treatment process has taken the better part of the last 5 years. My wife has never followed through with the treatment and doesn't seem motivated to get this problem "fixed" surgically. Of course beyond intercourse, there are many other forms of sexual pleasure between a man and a woman. But in my case, my wife is just not motivated or very interested. My wife and I have been to years and years of marital counseling. We even read and were counseled by a disciple of Dr. Snarth – the Passionate Marriage guru. I believe we’re both at a point of understanding why we have the problems we have; but we are running out of motivation to make our life better. I’ve come to realize my wife is who she is. Our primary (only?) motivation for staying together seems to be the welfare of our two children (both still in school; both still living at home). Our life is one of “polite cooperation” on many fronts, interspersed with tense exchanges and subtle disrespect for each other. Our children seem to be OK…so for now, we are not willing to go anywhere. The root of the problem, perhaps, is for years I’ve wanted her to be something other than who she is (more sexy, more career oriented, more self assured, etc). I’m sure I’ve communicated this both directly and indirectly. I tried to back out of our wedding 20+ years ago once I realized she perhaps wasn’t the right person for me. She threatened me that she would never have anything to do with me again if I did back out…and I caved in. I should have taken her up on the threat. I’ve probably never been able to get past this on some level. How sad. And in turn, this negative view of mine has poisoned her ability to become sexually (emotionally) motivated in our relationship. Recently, I’ve taken the tack of letting go and not pressuring her on pretty much anything. Our communication is virtually nothing, except when it comes to matters concerning kids and everyday living (always something to talk about perhaps).My sex drive is much stronger than my wife’s. Add all this up, and it’s easy to see how I’m living in the situation I find myself. There are many questions I have…and that’s why I’m here. Are there other folks in situations similar to mine? How do you cope and feel good about yourself? How do you define happiness in your sexless marriage? How do keep from straying? I’ve been considering this very carefully over the past 3 months; but I realize if I would stray, my life would become very complicated and I’m not in favor of that. Besides, I’m basically an honest person and it would run counter to my basic being.Thanks for reading if you got this far. I look forward to sharing ideas, gripes, info as time goes on.