Terrified Of Being Outed

In the late 70's, when I was 17 yrs old I had the one and only sexual relationship of my life.  Well, the relationship was AWFUL.  The sex was absolutely incredible and we went at it like rabbits.  I got pregnant, of course.  Had an abortion and was forever the baby killer **** in my family.   Life pretty much went to **** from that point on.  I never finished college.  I never finished anything after that.


Fast forward 30 years and 150 pounds of extra fat later.  I have hid the behind the blubber and a marriage to a man on the autism spectrum.  He also has ongoing physical and medical disabilities. I am parent, I am caretaker. But we are barely friends and  I will never be wife or lover despite what the marriage certificate may say.   I blamed him for a lot of years for my sexless and emotionally empty life, this was not what I expected when I got married. But really, I subconsciously knew. It was my choice to hide behind him.


He tries to be a nice man, and loves me in his own way, but it's just not possible to be close to him. Physically or emotionally, he's just not equipped.  Over time his autism and mobility issues have gotten more severe. He's functional mostly because I'm behind the scenes keeping it all together.  I don't have it in me to leave him to the wolves and run off to my own happiness.  But the thought of living this way for my whole life - a whole life - not ever knowing the emotional satisfaction of having a healthy and mature passionate relationship.  That thought makes me either want to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas and start over someplace new -  or worse, secretly wish my husband's next medical crisis (which seems to be perpetual) will finally claim him to the hereafter and I'll be free.  Both of which make me feel like an evil *****. 

And yet that sweet young passionate woman I left behind 30 years ago has made it clear no amount of cheeseburgers is going to keep her buried any longer.   I've created one heck of a position for myself.  I can't leave him. I don't want to cheat on him. (that would not be satisfying anyway) And now that I have dared put myself out into the world (working and going back to college) the rare man is beginning to notice.   I am terrified and excited beyond all reason.  Pandora's Box is about to blow.

 

 

rubenesquelady rubenesquelady
46-50, F
4 Responses Feb 7, 2010

Divorcing him does not mean you have to abandon him. If he's unable to care for himself, he can get SSI (like social security disability) benefits and he can get a social worker to check on him and you can help as well if you choose. <br />
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I'd recommend you see a counselor as it sounds like you have some things that you need to work out within yourself. You've recognized the problems which is a great step, now you need to find a way to focus on living instead of hiding.

Hello,<br />
<br />
I wish you well in all your endeavors. You need to take care of yourself. Take a bubble bath, have a hot cup of tea, seek the solace and peace of mind of a good therapist. Use EFT to handle the emotional baggage. It works. You are physically going to make yourself ill if you don't handle the negative emotions that are piling up. Meditate. I don't know what the rules are here. I'd like to tell you about a specific website that can help you eliminate the hurt feelings right away. Am I allowed to do that here?

Dear RL,<br />
First my heart goes out to you. I find myself in a similiar situation. My H is also a guy on the spectrum. So, I know the pain that comes from a SM is also multiplied by being a caregiver, and in my case, sometimes feeling more like a mother as time has gone on. <br />
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I've been a member on the ILIASM board for a couple of years now. The support and yes the tough love I have gotten here has started giving me the courage I need to move on. <br />
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I have felt that part of me dying for so long. I finally made the decision that my life and happiness is worth the effort. <br />
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If you'd like to talk a bit, please feel free to email me here. <br />
<br />
Take care

Of course you are right. But I doubt I have it in me to choose my happiness at his expense. First, here's an awful lot of risk involved with what limited real life support system I do have because they are heavily invested in us as a couple. And then there's a part about living with myself after divorcing a disabled man who needs a caretaker. But I know darn well, if I don't do something soon the stress is going to physically kill me off sooner rather than later.