Crushing A Man's Sexuality Begins With Crushing His Will

I no longer have sex with my wife because she's completely crushed my masculinity. Masculinity isn't just about having testicles. It's about will, attitude, and yes, ego. Over the years, when I'd try to disagree with my wife over something, she'd always win. Not uncommon, you say. Yes, but she wins by any means necessary. Often, she'd go into a slow burn for a day or two, then lash back at me, twisting the situation around until I was guilty of whatever I was pointing out in her. If that didn't get her way, she'd fake insanity, or even demon possession, flailing and screaming until i buckled and gave her her way. I remember the last time this happened and the feeling of something inside me dying. What died? A part of me, my desire for her, my last shred of dignity, my libido toward her, a piece of my soul, call it what you will. After twenty-something years of this I guess I just gave up. It wasn't worth the fight, knowing I'd always lose.

sometimestoohonest sometimestoohonest
51-55, M
17 Responses Feb 8, 2010

Your story is interesting because while brief, it says a lot about relationships. My husband and I don't fight well (ergo I recognized us in your story) but we don't fight well because we just don't communicate well any more. I think we once did or maybe we just didn't have to work at it very hard because we didn't really ever fight. Honestly, I think we were married for a year before we had our first fight. It all comes down to respect. Everyone wants to be heard. I remember my husband saying something similar to me once when we were fighting, that I'm impossible to talk to because I always have to be right. It stung but it did the trick. It is very difficult to recognize a fault in yourself. I think for me, I kept hammering away at the argument because I didn't feel heard. I was never left feeling that my opinions were respected, or even mattered. What's worse, I would always find out, well into the argument, that there was a whole other side of the story that he hadn't told me because, "I'm too sensitive." I find that infuriating and it is all I would need to hear to send me over the edge. I don't know if we're good at fighting, or if anyone ever really is but I know now, I try and maintain respect. In order to diffuse the anger in me, for me, all I need to do is at some point just stop and say, "this is what I need you to hear ______. This is what I hear you saying and this is how I understand it _____." It is very simple but very powerful and effective. You have to have respect.

OP, your wife sounds like a child who has a tantrum as long as she doesn't get the thing she wants.<br />
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Having said that, I agree with some posters said here, you played a major part in this. Maybe she does things damaged your ego, but only if YOU allow her to. I think there is an area maybe you can work on such as boundaries. Maybe you depend on her on some areas that you are willing to back down in order not to lose her, and she knows this, so she thinks she can control you. Sticking to your ground, and don't let her get her way by her immature way probably will urge her to grow. show her that her tantrum isn't going to work. <br />
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As I see it, I could be wrong, it is your weakness emasculate you, it depends on you to find out what is it. Continuing enabling her isn't the way of love, but a way you help her to become more selfish and childish. And why would you do that?

Makes me wonder why we strive so hard to seek out and find the relationships we are currently in. <br />
I put so much effort & energy into finding the 'one' for me.<br />
Yet I feel like I have let it slip away, without any fight at all. I've just become so stagnet and complacent expecting the marriage to nuriture itself. Laying blame elsewhere and everywhere<br />
I'm starting to learn that everything I require to be a healthy &contented mentally & emotionally stable individual has be found within myself. My identinity can not be based on what others project on to me. I've learned that taking responsibility allows me to look outwardly through eyes that are clear and bright, rather then having grey & black be the only shades of colour in my environment. This person I've worked so hard to find does not determine my colour palette rather it is with constant work within & between the two of us that will define me & my canvase.<br />
I've found that it is so much more easier to blame others & and react in negative ways.<br />
But I'm realizing that this is a slow painful path to follow. I see it leading no where for me but to a death that eats its way out of body by tearing away my soul.<br />
I'm choosing the path that requires work....Its hard and yes painful... But its so bright that I need some sunglasses!!!!

Wow that was really fascinating. Your wife is quite possibly mentally ill. One thing I do hope is that you are not retreating into yourself and shutting down -which it kinda sounds like you are. Giving up is not an option - it is a waste of life. Getting OUT is possibly the best option. What is your motivation for staying?

Two personalities clashing together is hard too. Is she a bit of a narcasist? hard to love or want to be around someone like that. They want to dominate and control and use aggression etc to do it.

In most relationships and even friendships if one person becomes to strong the other will become to soft. Its hard to find the balance but maybe a little bit of a roar back at your wife might help and start picking her up on some of the behaviours you dont like about her. Relationships are hard work.If your feeling used tell her maybe she doesnt even know that you feel that way.

WOW that is crazy, my fiance's grandma and aunt are like that I really really hope that you can work things out for you, maybe you could take Jeff Foxworthy's idea and chain her up in the garage and have people pay you two bucks a ticket to see an authentic she demon. Just kidding that may be too extreme. From your marital experience do you have any advice for how to not start down the road that you and your wife are currently on?<br />
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I hope that things get better for you man : )

For years and up until we went to counseling I behaved much like your wife aside from the demon possession of coarse. I don't know if this will help or if it is to late as far as your concerned but what I really wanted was for my husband to put me first in his life and for him to be more of a take charge husband. Even to say no and mean it. Unfortunately it became a viscous circle..I'd get upset, act irrational, he couldn't get past my behavior to hear what I was saying, he would pull away and I'd get even more controlling. Choosing to give in was my husbands choice and with drawling/with holding his punishment to me. I've told you mine but the truth is we both played a part in this. I am sure you know what is yours. I think you should either try and reconnect with her or just leave. Even if she did change would you really believe it ?

After 20 or so yrs, she should know how to compromise and how to fight fair. Coming from a female perspective, she's spoiled and it's all about her needs and wants. You were her enabler for a long long time: she has gotten her ways and won her ways for so many yrs...whether you agreed, disagreed, or just gave up...basically you let her got away with it for so long...what is a difference now, right? It's apparent that you're not happy in a marriage; let her know how you feel about your marriage, how she made you feel as a man when she treats you certain ways. Be honest, be clear, and be firm. After all that, if she doesn't care enough to change or to compromise, then you already have your answer. When I fight with my husband for whatever reason, I don't want to be right or wrong and I don't put a guilt trip on him. I just want him to hear me, to understand and to be empathetic..... Rather be alone and happy, true to yourself, and stress free then be with someone who you resent, blame, be mad at, and not showing loved toward...... Best of luck, My best always.....................

Wow! I'm so sorry. I know this sounds simplistic, but have you tried talking, I mean REALLY talking to her about it? Have you tried having a true heart-to-heart cathartic discussion where you don't lay blame but tell her "when you do ____, it makes me feel ____?" I know it sounds ridiculous, but I swear, sometimes, people do not really realize how the things they do make other people feel. I always try to tell my kids that before you do ANYTHING, think about the possible ways it could affect other people. Many people never learn to put themselves in other people's shoes. If you still have any love for her at all, it sure is worth a try. The thing is, if she is as emasculating and vicious as you say, she will perceive it as an attack unless you tread very carefully.

My X did that to me as well--making me feel very insignificant--when he asked for a divorce--I said "yes" and life went on. <br />
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Best wishes.

I would fight back so to speak, I don't tolerate crap and if they thrash around leave show them there acting like a selfish little B*T*H and if you come back and they still act that way ask them, "You know your being a pathetic wife". Show them you are the boss and you don't deal with that if they continue I say leave or give up and deal with that sorrow which I wish you luck

Wow - your wife sounds insane ... sorry

Thanks for the kind thoughts and words. I guess keeping open to love is the toughest thing throughout it all.

You poor man - sending you lots of hugs and hoping you can find the strength to change things for the better xx

Wow, my heart goes out to you, you just told my story. my analogy which has helped me deal with a similar situation is. My wife is a spider in her spider web. She attractted me with her charm in the beginning. (27years ago). She used me, knocked me down mentally. Basically had me beleiving that i was nothing without her. I have chosen to get out of that web. I stand on the other side of the street now. Still Married, but will not tolerate her ****. Im in the process of getting myself back and have discovered im a good person. Abused emotionally in the past. My wife is the women/man in her web. <br />
Its real sad. have not had sex in over 2 years.

You should leave. <br />
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Your wife may actually be possessed by an evil spirit in which case you should pray for her salvation. I believe in that sort of thing myself. However, prayer works from a distance. The important thing is that you also have to protect yourself and whatever children may be tied up in this madness lest you all be drawn into hell. Sort of like cut off your evil hand to save the rest of your body -- I read that somewhere. <br />
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Sometimes it is impossible to understand bad behavior. We get caught up trying to find logic or reason to explain it all -- that becomes a futile struggle that can drive ordinary people crazy. We try to fix things but we fail to realize that our spouses have the ability to constantly undermine any goodness that is tossed into the equation -- even goodness from themselves. So, we are in a rat race. Time to get out and it is better late than never. <br />
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In summation, you sound like you have a good reason to refuse sex.