Why I Am Being A "thing"...

I have been sulking more and more lately over my  H not making any efforts to be intimate with me. Yes, we have a toddler in the house, which assuredly, would kill any attempts. But we've been in this state for most of our marriage, now approaching eight years, without any real explanation, other than "we're too fat", "we're too tired", "it doesn't help to talk about it", and now, "how can we with a kid?"etc. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tried resigning myself to being roommates, but we attended a wedding recently and I teared up because I realized I was sitting next to the person who has breached his vows. That hurt.

I usually stew and keep it to myself. After all, talking about it doesn't help, right? Still stewing, my H asked me this morning, "Why are you being a thing?" I asked him to define what  "thing" meant and he said, "Now you want to play the definition game?!" So in a snarky way said, "Oh, you mean why am I being such a wonderful and patient wife?" He told me he was tired of my attitude and wanted me to tell him what was wrong. I said, "I  am being a beatch because my H will not and does not want to touch me. I am being a beatch because my H does not and will not tell me why. I'm being a beatch because the worst part is I hate myself for needing and wanting you for something that only you can give me."  He claimed he was frustrated too and that it's always all his fault. He said the pressure and attitude is not sexy. Oh, and talking it about it to death, is not helping either.

I have been extremely patient and walk on egg shells in the hopes that the pressure is off and the allure is on, but still, after all these years, to no avail. I am lost in the effort to be someone he wants to love and touch, only to be met with continued disappointment. I know I should love myself, take care of my needs and put myself first, but I'm not feeling it. Where does that resolve come from?

No matter how you look at a sexless marriage, it SHOULD BE about two people in and of love wanting to work together to live up to their commitment. Why are there so many out there who didn't get that memo?!

Elvis4E Elvis4E
31-35, F
56 Responses Feb 8, 2010

UnAustrailian, first, I'm sorry for the criticisms you received! You seem like a very kind person and that brings me to my second point, thank you so much for your input. <br />
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Being with a refuser really whittles away at your core that affects all aspects of your life. The first few times you are refused by your spouse, you have no other choice but to try different tactics. When those don't work, the energy diminishes, the will is numbed, and the emotional blow is devastating. It becomes a real effort to willingly slam your head against the refusers' brick wall.<br />
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Still, I make sure to compliment him (especially when he's in a suit-yum!). I make sure I thank him for all he does for our son and me. I make sure he knows I'm fine with him hanging out with his friends. I make sure to hear about his day and experiences. I make sure to play with his hair or give him a foot or back rub at least once a week. <br />
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I constantly ask myself, 'What have I got to lose if I grab him for a smooch?' or 'Should I reach for his naughty bits while we're watching tv?' Then I remember the humiliation and embarrassment from the times I tried to initiate intimacy. There is a real conflict between adding to the protective wall around my emotions and mind versus working on bringing back intimacy to my marriage. <br />
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Your posts have inspired me to try to fight the numbness and hope I have enough energy to keep trying in the hopes that something, somewhere flips the switch from roommate to spouse. Thanks again.

lol thought i could expect more from someone a lot older than me lol seems i was wrong

feel free to leave when ever your ready.I'll send you a going away present lol.

dont stay on the continent on my behalf lol

lol aww such harsh words

EPeeps, please know that this poster's name is TOTALLY appropriate!! She truly IS UnAustralian!!<br />
As an Aussie, I'm embarassed to admit sharing a continent with her . . . !! LOL

Now that would take the pressure off anyone. Not to feel responsible for someone elses happiness

best leave im not interested in chatting to immature people with nothing better to do than put others down because their intelligence, knowledge and vocabulary is so low that they cant hold a proper conversation

better be an even bigger one tomorrow oh but im busy tomorrow. have a 500 km bike ride on.Does wonders for the soul. keeps my emotions in check lol when i do a bit of exercise and not sit around blaming the world for my own unhappiness

Is that all you can come up with

how you been you sound like a real gem

just one big one today.

If your going to start standing up for yourself and you can see that what your saying isnt sitting right with the other person, their facial ex<x>pressions will change, and if your sensing anger you must abort the conversation, leave and let him mull over what you have said.he will get over it. he will learn that half the time he is the trigger of whats going on for you with his comments etc.

Not very good for anyones ego. So if he is name calling you and you dont like it YOU MUST STAND UP AND TELL HIM AND LEAVE THE ROOM.I dont deal with immature behaviour like that so grow up is what your going to be saying to yourself. I deserve to be treated with respect. most mens communication is a bit dysfunctional like womens but the only way to change it is to let the other person know

a confident powerfull woman is one who can convey a message with tact and diplomacy without any feeling attached to it. Be short and sweet straight to the point. one day you husband might say i had no idea you felt that way and the reason is they lack less empathy than women and just blurt out what they think. Some dont stop and think about the consequences of their blurted out words which is that you feel hurt and upset. they dont have any idea and you know why because your different and will take things to heart just as he has things that he will take to heart.they are just as sensitive as women sometimes and somethings that woman say do actually hurt a man.

Whinging all the time most not be very sexually attractive to any male so I can see why they may pull back and retreat into themselves and because we have been dealing with things wrong it will take a while to get them back out of it but we have to change first to get them to change. its not always about them and what they are not doing it could be about what we are doing

How to motivate your man to help out around the house. Do you think you could take the rubbish out while i make your dinner? Do you think you could bath the kids while I vaccume the floor? If he doesnt do it leacve it, he may eventually get up and do it but if he does for god sake thank him for it. its not that hard. Thanks for putting the rubbish out, it means a lot to me. We call all blame others for whats going on in relationships but half the time it is us who could do with a bit of changing.

Most people dont realise that underneath all their anger and resentment are very vulnerable feelings like hurt ,remorse,sorrow and the thing that most people find hard to do is forgiveness. Men especially dont like to feel these vulnerable feelings because it may just make them depressed so under all those negative hurtfull feelings could be depression so as to not feel these feelings they use aggression to stay in control of their feelings. Ask your man if he feels like he should be the one in control of things and if he says yes then say well you can be in control of things but you must do it in a respectful way and that means talking to me with manners. Sometimes men dont know that their words are cutting and leaves you feeling hurt. Let him know what when you call me a thing that really hurts do you think you could actually come up with something nice to say we are not back in the school yard name calling someone that means nothing to you

Dont be another persons emotional punching bag either. let them know in no uncertain terms and without any emotion attached to the comment that what they just said hurt. When you speak to me like that i dont like it and it hurts and then leave the room. Sometimes people carry what theyve learnt in their childhood into their adult years and keep communicating the same way they did when they were a child. Sorry but the price of communication and how your treating me is about to go up so be warned that if you dont treat me respectfully then dont treat me at all.

Praise and compliment come naturally to some people but for those who are missing out on praise and complimets should teach people how to do it. One way to grab yourself a feel good praise by not expecting another person to come forward and do it is to say something like 'I think I did a good job cleaning out the bathroom today, what do you think? You might get a short answer of yep you did if it was your husband you said it to but were you expecting anything more? he is afterall male and they dont talk a lot at the best of times so stop expecting your husband, partner to be a certain way and that way you will be less disappointed and just accept what comes your way.

Thats more like a sentance isnt it lol

not expecting anyone to read them and dont speak for everyone. Accept my appologise for the spelln and punctuality! Dont view yourself as never making those mistakes yourself because I""""""m sure ur not perfect

Where is UnAustralia anyway?

nope no twin. Ive not long signed up to this site and i dont come into that often

By the way I havent seen you write a paragraph yet. All yours have been no more than 10 words

didnt take you long to give up.Arent you equipt to deal with the challenge but as I said its not about me

funny how i wont be able to find a happy medium that works for you. Dont make this blog about me, its about the lady that wrote it

not all my posts have been one after the other and very short.Did you neglect to see that?

thoughts come to our heads one after the other.Sometimes we say something post it and then another thought may come in.sorry for posting wrong. I will endevour to get it right to your satisfaction one day when i think it matters to me

Would you like me to write one great big paragraph that you would eventually get sick of reading

Is there a right and wrong way to post lol.Let me in on some hints then lol

dont read it then.Read what the woman said in her blog and say something about that.Its about her not me.Its about her posting, not what ive written. Oh yes trying to rack up my post count lol.Wouldnt be that like everyone else ive added a couple of posts that i thought this lady that wrote the blog might find useful even if she doesnt then thats ok.It may hav given her a different perspective to what everyone else keeps writting.Leave him leave him but it seems to me they both might actually want to salvage what they have together afterall they do have a little one to think about too and not just themselves.these people seem like they want something to change for the better.

he said the pressure and attitude is not sexy.well i dont blame him for saying that and thats why i suggested some of what I did so that the pressure was taken off him and she would become more sexy.Dont miss the point of who this blog is about.This lady has written this blog and its about her. Ive written what ive written for her. so what if she dont want to take any of it on but at least there is something there that may give her some hope. they both seem like lovely people with a lovely child

Why sit and stew making you angry and bitter.why do that to yourself, why keep sulking and complaining.

if you cant help someone change for the better and they dont want to change why do that to yourself and stay. If its that bad leave the scene of the crime.

even if that means getting out of something that is so sexless that it erodes us

we can all complain about the way a situation is but there are always answers

Well if its that sexless and nothing will help dont complain get over it and get out and get on with life. go find what your looking for. dont complain i am sure that what your living in isnt just about the sex

We can all have an opinion on why someone is the way they are and why they do what they do but at the end of the day it all comes down to how you deal with it and what your going to do to try and fix it if you are viewing something as a problem. Its hard to see a situation different when your the one in it.

UnAustralian, your heart is in the right place but your posts are clearly examples of how much you do NOT know about the topic of sexless marriage . . . <br />
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This is a serious and long term condition that does NOT respond to the sort of interventions you describe. If you genuinely want to understand "sexless marriages" I advise you to read widely on this forum. You will find a large number of intelligent, erudite people with vast experience in this area. <br />
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It may surprise you to know that we have tried all the suggestions you offer - and many others besides - without success. Sexless marriages of long standing are much more complex, entrenched and serious than you appear to realise.<br />
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Your good intentions are obvious in your posts - but your naivety and lacxk of knowledge of the real situation that we face means your posts cannot really be taken seriously . . . Thank you for trying to help however.

Its within everyones right to keep living how they have been and want to but dont complain about it if you dont want to do anything about it.

No. No joke andy1999 just a couple having different problems than your own. not everyones situation is the same. Wonders why you think i was joking. Is it all to much for you. Does it all seem to normal for you? These two people are frustrated and seem to me like they cant see outside of what they have been trying. i guess you dont know the art of flirting etc. Seems to me that you dont even know what youve been missing from your own wife and what she has been missing from you.

tell him your making a nice dinner and ask him would he like a wine with it? give him a chance for imput, if he says you chose accept that and go and do it. if he wants to be quiet, let him be.if he helps with the dishes, thank him for it. hit him on the bum as your doing it. be playful

grab him by the nape of the neck while he is doing something, massage it and walk away, come back and tell him that you enjoy touching the back of his neck. tell him he has a nice butt. tell him you like to see him playing with your child.tell him it was a big help to you that he bathed your child. give him some positive attention. leave the negativity if you can. Its hard but it doesnt help at all

Once youve stepped it up and he is learning a different way, you must let him in and do the things he wants to do and accept it.dont chase after it, let him come to you and take for youself what he is offering. if in bed and he is not doing exactly what you would like, dont verbally dictate what he should or shouldnt be doing, grab his hands and guide them, if your going to say anything make sure its nice and is a praise like if he does something that you like, tell him, tell him that feels nice or i like the way you kissed my neck it felt really good. teach him whats good and he'l be more likely want to do it again. change you and he will change

Step it all up and dont be patient. be assertive, teach him how to treat you.maybe he is waiting for you to take charge and help him help you get what you want. he might not know.

Dont always be available.Have your own things that you do that way he will have to fight for your attention. If he is every angry at you, you must let him know that you will not tolerate how he is treating you and leave the room the house and let him find another way or calming down and dealing with his anger. you will save yourself from the attack making you feel bad and kill your passion for intimacy etc and from wanting to be around him. he must learn that if he is angry he will talk to you in a respectful way regardless of how he is feeling. anger erodes a lot in relationships. dont tolerate it.you dont deserve it

When playing with your child and your husband is near by get up and go over to him and kiss him or run your hands down his chest or back and then go and then walk away and do something else.It may arouse something in him. Help him get some of the nice feelings back. He cant get them back by himself he needs a bit of a hand. You never know you might lead by example and what your doing to him might rub off and he start doing it to you. you dont always have to talk sometimes an action is enough.maybe your husband will enjoy the attention and affection without all the talking.

If he works, ask him before he goes to work, is there anything in particular that you would like for dinner? <br />
While he is brushing his teeth, walk in and just run your hand across his bum and walk away. Subtly change what your doing.<br />
He might enjoy the affection without having that pressure on him for it to go any further.<br />
When in bed if he reaches to touch you in anyway, excuse yourself from the bed by telling him that you need to go to the bathroom or tell him your going to get a drink .When you get back lay how you were before you went and if he initiates again let it happen. He then has to work a little harder but you will also be getting what you want. Sometimes people value those things that they have to work a litttle harder for

Subtly get him to open up and chat. You seem annoyed....is there something wrong? <br />
Meet him at the door and say its a lovley day, how was work? <br />
Those shorts look nice on you.<br />
Is there anything I can get you while I am at the shops?<br />
You look a bit angry, is there anything you want to chat about? If he doesnt want to chat then leave<br />
it, if you get a one liner fine thanks, leave it because most men dont chat they work things out inside and sometimes things bottle up and they get bogged down and forget how to even talk.

Wonders if your husband might be depressed and bogged down in a heap of megative emotions that he is losing a lot of interest in a lot of things. When you see him next ask him how his day was and ask him if he would like a massage. Start to change some of what your doing and it may change some of what he is doing. He may have lost the art of doing things for you that you like. Maybe you need to wake that up in him again but be gentle and patient. If you ask for something and he doesnt want to do it, then leave it and find something to do that makes you happy. look within yourself and find the things that make you happy and stop wanting your husband to do what he cant at the moment.Take some of the pressure off him. if he does something that makes you happy without you having asked, then tell him. We all need praise in life and Im sure your husband is no different.

The enormous amount of tolerance persons will display in marriages where mental abuse is so consistent and apparent is a source of constant amazement to me. . To seriously continue in a circumstance that plagues one to complete distraction is from my perception an insanity. <br />
Although I am fully cognizant of the challenges that face those that wish finally to seek a resolution of their personal marital issues, I still strongly suggest that an action for change must sooner or later occur. <br />
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Hoping desperately somehow for a miraculous change in your spouse's ingrained attitude is a serious waste of valuable and irreplaceable time. Start with a concerted plan that will in time free you of the lifeless , unhappy circumstance you describe here and realize that a deeply caring spouse is not the one in youirt household. . I have great empathy for you and wish you well.

Andy, your words deserve a story of their own. You have expressed the thoughts so eloquently, elegantly and exactly!! EVERY person on ILIASM should read this. Thank you!!

Stevem7: I might try faking that smile so he gets suspicious! Thank you!chocciebean: Yes! Walking on egg shells in your own home is exhausting! andy1999: Rock on-I think my husband would prefer a pet rock-no pressure there, right? I'm sorry for your pain.AnarChristian-I would be thrilled and feel more respected that my husband has decided to treat me like his wife and best friend by finally telling me the truth! I might even give him a foot and/or backrub to reward him for his honesty!I would hold him, thank him, and tell him we're going to work on getting through this together-that I love him, respect him, and will not change treating him like the man he is. At least that's what I would expect if the shoe were on the other foot. Oh, and I'd remind him that nothing seems to be wrong with his mouth and tongue :)

Elvis, <br />
If your husband told you that the truth behind his refusal was that he was developing impotence or some kind of embarrassing erectile dysfunction, how do you think you may react?

Oh for goodness sake - you can't win can you? You're walking on eggshells the whole time and if you say anything, you're nagging or wanting your own way! I totally identify - I 'm not sure there is a solution to this strange male logic - maybe you do need a lover - I know I did! You might start to feel human again as well xx