I'm Back!

I really must be desperate.  I have been married to a man for 10 years.  I have been REJECTED for 10 years.  Over the course of 10 years we have gone through very LONG dry spells.  We have gone for 14, 16, 13 and 20 months of zero sex.  That is over HALF of our marriage completely sexless.  Now, these were strictly the long no sex phases.  I'm not even counting the low sex years.  So this summer I "laid" it on the line and my husband finally realized that things had to change.  We drew up a sex contract - we planned on having sex twice/week (one night he would initiate and the other I would).  We scheduled sex nights, date nights -- even put together a plan on how we would work through conflict.  Things were looking good.  I truly thought that we were on the right path.  That lasted for July, August and the first week of September.  We took a holiday together (without kids) and planned on having sex at least ever other day (which would equal 5 times).  We had sex twice.  He kept coming up with excuses.  We haven't had sex since we came home - 5 months without sex.  I would like to add that I've tried everything to please him.  Lost weight, got rid of frumpy PJs, invested in sexy underwear, bought books on how to be a better lover, read a book on how to give a great blow job etc.  You know what he has done.....NOTHING!  To be brutally honest - I haven't had an ****** with him since before we got married.  He doesn't give a damn about me and what makes me tick.  I told him tonight that it feels like he is dangling a "golden carrot" just out of my reach.  The harder I try the farther out of reach it gets.  What makes matters worse is that in the end he always makes me feel like it's my fault.  Just do this "one more thing" and then you'll get sex.  I am beginning to see that this is all a giant head game. 

In the last week I again "laid" out my thoughts.  He keeps saying "we just need to break the ice and get to know each other again".  What the hell does that mean?  We've been married for 10 years with 2 kids.  WTF!!!  He said lets make Valentines weekend the sex weekend.  I was reluctant to agree - to be honest...I've lost my desire for him.  I have my vibrator and I don't need the rejection.  But I decided to give it another chance.  He said let's make it romantic and fun.  O.K!  So I went out and bought some fun sexy items for the weekend.  Nothing scary (sexy dice, a lover's lotto game, a blindfold, a feather, chocolate body paint, massage oil).  Things that might help take the edge off.  I phoned to tell him (since he suggested it).  What did he say...

"what makes you think I would be into that.  Sounds like stuff you want me to do to you".  

It wasn't just the words that hurt.  He was laughing as he said it in a mean/snide way.  It felt like he had slapped me across the face.  He made me feel cheap, dirty and sexually demanding.  I've put aside my sexual needs our entire marriage.  If I'm lucky enough to have sex - I'm sure as hell never going to admit that it is totally unfulfilling.    You know...he expects me to provide oral sex - he has NEVER ever gone down on me.  I feel ashamed of myself.  These last 10 years has really damaged me.  

I blew up tonight.  He didn't even look at me.  He said "nothing I can say will help when you are in this state of mind".  

How did I end up here?  I think all the fight and love has gone out of me.  I feel nothing.

36-40, F
9 Responses Feb 8, 2010

TLC, it sounds like you are waking up. Stay that way! This was over years ago; be gone as soon as possible. Yesterday would be good...

Wow, you above posters are TOUGH. I agree with all of your advice - VegasBaby - good ones.<br />
<br />
Original poster: we all know where the door is. When it's time to leave, you are going to find that door, open it and leave. <br />
<br />
It doesn't change. It just never changes. Don't plan on him "coming around" any time soon. Once the pattern is established, that's it. Walk away while you still have your health and sanity.

You said "He was laughing as he said it in a mean/snide way." <br />
Um, just leave, OK? If your partner makes fun of your extremely personal needs, it's time to leave. That's definitely not the way things should be. And like the other posters above, I don't get the feeling there's much hope things will change for you. <br />
My heart goes out to you. I endured for 12 years.

TLC your husband sounds similar to my STBX. It won't ever be different. I know you don't want to hear that, but that's all he's got.<br />
<br />
I spent the best years of my life 31 to 43 practically celibate, shut down, pleasuring myself and my husband never went down on me either.<br />
<br />
Let me tell you, any guy wants to be with me now, he better love giving oral sex. . . otherwise, NEXT!

I wish I could hug you. I know how hurt you must feel. Your husband - the one who choose to be your BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE is so freakin cold.....I know how disapointed a stupid remark on his side can hurt you so bad....its NOT RIGHT, and its NOT FAIR. and the fact that he has NEVER been down on you?!?!? WTH!! IS he afriad of it?!?!?! I think you should set an appointment for a marraige conselour as your final and last resort and if he refuses to go....YOU TRIED everything and you are entitlted to LOVE. If you have to be single before you find it then do so........I'm in a five year marraige. I woulndt call it sexless but its about once a month. However I want it daily.....(ps I'm the wife) I tried setting up two days a week and that work for the first 2 weeks.......I read these stories everyday and its so sad. I have started being honest about my feelings to him and he has been to the doctor, he has high cholestorl and anxiety.......and is trying to be more "close" .....hopefully it helps our issue....<br />
<br />
I think that if you cant talk about this and he doesnt see it as a problem then you not being there may finally wake him up.....Is there a place you can go to for a bit?<br />
<br />
Good luck and take care of YOU ! since no one else is!!!!

This is madness! <br />
<br />
TLC, <br />
Your husband is both crazy and evil!

From your story, sounds to me like he is really just "not" interested in having sex with you. Perhaps like alot of couples, at first we all went thru the "Big-Bang" adventures early on. Then, the desire died off for whatever reason. Alot of us are going thru this same issue and have to resort to other means to fulfill our desires and wants. Do you think he is getting sex from anyone else? I agree with FriendofPromise- try counseling. I hope it helps.

He's really having fun isn't he... It's time to stop trying and start working on an escape plan. Counseling may help you... help you to realize that it isn't your fault... that you've done nothing wrong... that anger is a natural response to that level of rejection and ridicule... and, that it's time to move on.<br />
<br />
He is enjoying hurting you. Don't fall for his games...

You chose to let it ride, like I did ... me for 41 years .... and that is where you will be headed if you keep on letting it be without talking to someone yourself, counseling, just keep communicating these feelings to us ... we understand ...