Anger & Clarity

I imagine if we were to get a call from our best friend who were to tell us our w story as if it were theirs that we would probably look at them and ask them if they are out of their minds and why they didn't have a decree of divorce in their hands. I think that we (the refused) might have a touch of insanity considering the amount of abuse that we are dished out...and yet we stay.


He says its my fault because I put on weight


She says it is because I am not romantic enough


He says that if I kept a cleaner house


She says that she cant respect me because I got laid off


He says that he is too tired


She says that she is too tired




Absolute and total bullshit.


Its piled high and deep, and you know what? They hand you that load of bull and tell you it's ice cream.


And we believe them.


Are we stupid or insane? Because it has to be one or the other.  


At some point we have to take a look at our relationships and say: I've done everything I could. I've carried more water for him than anyone would ever expect me to. I have changed more for this woman than I changed for puberty. I've done therapy, I've read books and I worked my *** off to make them happy.


All the while I have gotten my needs ignored, a pat on the head and at most the equivalent of "good dog".


What is keeping me in this marriage? Money? To hell with Money. With enough work, I'll get more money. Lack of education? If I don't go to a Tier 1 school, I can do that for almost free, and if I just go to a trade school, some employers will pay me to go. Is it the kids? Because coming from a family that divorced when I was in college, It doesn't make it better to divorce late. Do it early and have a HEALTHY relationship that your kids can emulate and learn from. Is it God? Because God doesn't have much use for abusive spouses and that is EXACTLY what our spouses are.


Is it the fear of living alone? I can't imagine that solitude is worse than abuse.


Maybe judgement of the families and friends? If your husband was hitting you, or your wife cheating on you, would they judge you for your spouses transgressions? Not unless they were as insane as your spouse themselves.


There is no excuse for being a refusing spouse when you have an SO that tries as hard as we do. There is no excuse for not giving yourself completely to the marriage WHEN THAT IS WHAT YOU VOWED TO DO.




The vows were lies.


There is no hope of permanency with someone like this, someone who promises to give themselves to you, and accepts your promise to them, made in good faith, and then leaves you to languish... and then even tells you that it is your fault.


You can try to toe their lines, follow their rules and make them happy.


They will change the lines and rules as soon as you show them that you are willing to meet them 99% of the way.


You can take them to therapy and coddle their inner child.


They will take your coddling and turn it against you.


You can stay and take it


or you can get the hell out and start to put your life back together again afterward.

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13 Responses Feb 9, 2010

We do take abuse, I know that.. We probably are insane, the only thing I can't quite get away from is every one gets stressed and says dumb stupid things to get away from their problem.... His limp ****, or her lack of lube... They blame on us... because I can only imagine how inadequate they must feel....

I vote for insane. It runs in my family - does this grant me immunity? Hope so!<br />
Some days it is fun to be a little insane.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I believe my hold-up right now is the fact that I can't stand being a 'quitter'. I know - they quit on us. I get it. But, that little sliver of hope I still have makes me not a quitter…and insane.

Right On.........

if it was so easy after being with a person like this they take something away from you i don't know what it is..........

LH - very well written.<br />
<br />
"If your husband was hitting you, or your wife cheating on you, would they judge you for your spouses transgressions?" <br />
Because society so easily views it as their shame. <br />
But living in a sexless marriage we carry as our dirty little secret and it's so closely guarded since we view it as our shame.

"Co-dependent". That's a word I only learned recently. I have so much more to learn about this word before I venture outside myself again.

LoneHombre, AMEN! Well written and right on.

I vote for this: <br />
<br />
"or you can get the hell out and start to put your life back together again afterward."<br />
<br />
We need to have this widely distributed, esp the part about the vows. Basically it's a WTF was I thinking???

Very Very Very well said. Ever think about hanging a shingle as a therapist.

Wow - I'm going to re-read this one several times. Scarily honest, and that nail has been hit on the head. Thanks x

Both Baz and I now look back on our marriages and wonder HOW and WHY we stayed so long . . . The two marriages were very different but both of them were sexless and had a number of other serious malfunctions. It is only with the benefit of hindsight that we can see how truly we were fighting losing battles.

Dear Lone: That was honest, straight forward and right on!<br />
<br />
I hope others can see that powerful message.

WOW, way too close to home.