Very Frustrated

My husband Never initiates sex.  It's the strangest thing.  At first I felt he lacked confidence.  He says he loves me very much but that he is just not that interested in that part of our relationship.. We are truly best friends and enjoy each others company.  We've been together for 29 yearsI !  Off and on for the first five years it was a constant issue that caused many arguments.  (I can't believe I haven't divorced him)  I kept thinking that he has intimacy issues and that things would get better.  Obviously I'm not overly sexed  myself and a little goes a long way....Then after ten years he had errection dysfunction.I really think this is all mental.  So I said to him we don't have to "do it".  There are other ways to please each other.  That worked when I initiated a get together.... But I'm tired of being the initiator.  What if he is hating it??  Then, I thought he was gay and just didn't want to admit it... He assures me he is not.    Help!!  Are other gals going through this?  I haven't gotten a vibrator (my dear friend says I should) because I am married and feel that my husband should be involved in this.........Sex is the most wonderful,intimate,exciting, feeling that one can experience.  What can take the place of this?


Lonely and frustrated

lonelygal100 lonelygal100
56-60, F
11 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Mysibha, What does Soulmelded mean please? Is it English? I never have come across the word, and cannot find it in the Oxford Dictionary. Thank you Don (Aged 79)

He is gay. If you want sex, you need to find a gay guy and have a ********* with your husband.

PS Lonely gal,<br />
Sorry about the rambling. Does he not like the "other ways" that you are tired of initiatng ? Or is that not working for you ? I think you need to use the vibrator to start. If he thinks he needs to be a part of that, I would think he would try much harder at ...seeing you happy. There is nothing wrong with You enjoying that by yourself. I agree....All of it, any of it would be far, far more fullfilling if it was a "together" thing. If it's not, you should have no guilt exploring your own pleasure. <br />
<br />
"What can take the place of this", well, nothing comes really close, but I think we have to be open to options, and do and try what we can while looking at the bigger picture.<br />
<br />
it's kind of strange that married people can feel just as alone and/or frustrated as single people. I don't want to pry but I would like to hear more about what you are trying, what it is he may? hate......just don't suffer in silence

Having survived a bad 20 year marriage and a couple bad short relationships...I find myself without sex(57 yo guy). I could blame this partly on "walls" built up, partly on simply not having any people around of interest and partly because of my PTSD symptoms. In any case, near the end of that 20 year marriage she almost...had me convinced I WAS the failure in all ways ...that she kept telling me.<br />
It's sometimes sad what we allow. Towards the end of that marriage, I had an encounter or two with some nice people and discovered...I was more than OK. And I felt so "alive" again, like I had not for many years. The bottom line seems to be that most of us need to feel that connection. We weren't built to be alone. A more casual but nice partner can be very rewarding if they are doing it with a good heart. A relative stranger that one can trust? and can blow your mind can be life restoring, just not preferred in my book. I've rewritten my little book on love, life, relationships and sex the last 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that most anything we do that hurts OK. In simple terms. Of course there are common sense, legal, and personal limits....but I think it's sad that we all are not pushing the limits of pleasure(coming from one who has had none for a long time)<br />
As I've read a few of these stories, it seems there is a common thread. One partner or the other does not understand that they have an obligation to provide the greatest pleasure possible to the other. For all the people in which the fire...just went out...and one, or the other just lost interest.....I don't hear many that are open and honest about it. This is a great time for truth...and spare me the lies please. If one can't find the root of the sure can't be fixed.....If the problem is physical or health related, one can be open about that too, and a loving partner should still want to see the mate pleasure and happy. If the marriage is shaky, weak, not too commited, etc....what's the point...just get out. If the marriage is really soulmelded, committed and eternal, then it should be easy to discuss the problems in truth and come up with a solution. If i am ever lucky enough to find that eternal soulmelded committed relationship, I would expect it to be stronger than anything the world can throw at this mix one simply doesn't do anything that hurts the other. That's the safety net. That allows for pushing the limits of pleasure, within that net, never hurting the other, but knowing not much can hurt it anyway. There is a great sense of freedom in knowing that the Love means, never hurting the other, always being honest and knowing one can push those limits (your decide)...and loving so much you want the other to be happy and satisfied, If you have to think outside the box a little, so be it. It's just hard for me to understand couples that go without, who never really insist on honesty and digging out the truth. Maybe this is hard because then, we have to face some unpleasant truths.<br />
So, typically the choices are, have an affair, have a fling, go without ,while internalizing..."what is wrong with me", going crazy, getting a divorce. Then starting all over, maybe doing the same wrong things, if we haven't dug into the truth during the previous one. Then repeat the same cycle...problems, can't stand it....divorce. <br />
This cycle has to stop. If it was easy, I guess I would not be alone. But I submit to you it is relatively simple. Why suffer for years without insisting on getting to the core of problem. If you do get to the core, try to find a solution that 2 people that love each other can live with. If you can't, find the "right" person. Or find a kind, loveable person to fulfill some needs if you can keep a secret. If I can't fullfil your needs and I LOVE you, am soulmelded to you and eternaly comitted I will find a way to see and insure that your passion explodes.<br />
It would just be so nice to have that kind of relationship. Soulmelded, commited and eternal...and love so much that nothing can really hurt it.....and love so much to want to push the limits of pleasure knowing nothing can hurt "US" within the limits we both agree on.<br />
<br />
Forgive all the rambling. Going completely without human contact and knowing anothers soul...and no sexual life makes me a little crazy too.<br />
<br />
Life is way to short to just without or go crazy and hurt people when there usually is a better solution...if we can just be honest and open (yeah, not too much of that going around....but maybe its time to settle for nothing less)

I feel for you Lonelygal. Im not quite in the exact same boat but I see signs of it. I am always or most of the time, the one who suggests or initiates sex. The only time that I can remember (in the past 5 yrs ) him initiating sex is at about 11pm at night when hes finished on the computer and it suits him, by then Im usually very tired and half asleep but I go ahead anyway thinking I might not have it again for another week or fortnight. He says 'Im going through a flat cycle at the moment" but he seems to go through a lot of them. We do it about once a week on average, sometimes we will go twice a week (bonus) and its not unusual to go for two to three weeks without him even noticing! I'll bring it to his attention. He isnt that affectionate or as affectionate as Id like but Ive been married to him for 5 yrs and we still love each other. He doesnt say that to me much either, but when he does it is quite special. I sometimes feel I'm living with a flatmate. His idea of spending time with me is watching a 40 min documentary, which I enjoy but its like.....I'll go on the computer and blog to my cyber buddies about sport or whatever and then if Im bored I may watch something on TV, failing that I'll go to bed and most likely fall asleep when my head hits the pillow" Well I hope it doesnt get worse and Ive brought it up a lot and he just says he feels we make love enough. By the way it was the exact opposite when we were dating. I guess the excitement for him has gone. You can blame me though Ive tried so many things. I do feel sad as I miss the intimacy as everything feels so right when we finally do make love. I cant get some things out of him, he is very introverted. Im glad Im not the only one going through this. There must be a stereotype going round that its usually the female doing the rejecting, but not always.

Well, Where do I begin. I am an old Man, but always been very very horny. My First marriage, lasted 9 years, and we had a daughter. Who has regular contact. Later, I met a slightly older lady, and we married. Wife 2 was sex on legs,-love often 2 maybe 3 times a day! almost till the day she died, 35 years later. Then, I got lonely, so married a lady, same age as my daughter. and yes, we made love. but after we married, she said at my age, sex was bad for me, and I will live longer without it. I am now 79, and when I go to the Massage Clinic, the masseuse, fetches me off, because she sees me aroused! But with no kissing, or intimacy at home, I feel cheated. So I know where you people are coming from!

You know that women need to be caressed loved and made love to. If your husband is not thinking of how this emptiness makes you feel why are you thinking of him. Yeah you get along and stuff but just because he stopped living is that a reason why you hae to die too. I don't have sex with my partner because it's emotionless so the act is there but it has no fulfillment. So i really don't think a vibrator will help you. I never got one either. That doesn't even go through my mind. i like affection. not hardware. (well not plastic)

I don't initiate sex with my wife anymore. Why? Cause I feel like I'm making love to a dead carcass. I wish she would complain about it! My wife was sexually abused when she was young, and I can't amagine what that does to a person but if you commit to a marriage shouldn't a person try to overcome the emotional trauma and fulfill there partners emotional and physical needs that they committed to. She excels very well in all other aspects of her life except intimacy. A fulfilling sex life would make me feel loved and desired, and an unfulfilling sex life leaves me feeling unloved and undesirable. I guess it goes both way's, strike three!

I've been with my guy a similar long time, but I've had to accept it ain't gonna get better - you could kill yourself trying this and that, and maybe it'll be better for a day or so, but then back to normal for the next three months. So my advice is to start thinking of yourself a little more - I expect your self esteem is wiped out like mine was. Be nice to yourself, cos he isn't, think about finding a lover or whatever you need. But stop relying on him because believe me, that way lies madness. Good luck honey, and you'll get lots of support here xx

Mysterygirl, I'm sorry to rain on your parade - but he will most likely NOT be ready for sex . . . Can you live without sex forever? Look at the OP's story and consider - do you want a life like this???<br />
<br />
Lonelygal, you have the utmost sympathy of all of us on this forum. I suggest you read the stories and forum posts and you will learn much about this situation. . . . There is almost NEVER a good outcome.<br />
<br />
Occasionally a couple who have once had a GOOD sex life and who are BOTH committed to a recovery achieve success. For the rest of us, there remain three options:<br />
<br />
1) Stay in the marriage and put up with it<br />
<br />
2) Stay in the marriage and have an affair<br />
<br />
3) Leave your marriage.

I am going through this with my bf but I totally understand where he is comming from he also was sexually abused and he;s just not ready yet and I respect him and will give him his room too breath and time, when he is ready he will come around!