Going On Three Years

I have so much to get off my shoulders I don't know where to start.  I thought I'd write about it here because I have no one to talk to.  Even when I do talk, no one is interested in what I have to say so at least this way I can get it out. 

I guess I can start from now and work backwards.  There's a blizzard going on where I live right now, schools are cancelled, roads aren't plowed, many businesses have closed for the day,  visibility is almost zero, you get the picture.  But guess what?  My husband decided he needed to go out this morning. He works in the construction business and has been working in a private home the last week or so.  From what he's told me, the job is complete, he just needs to pack up his tools and equipment and move on to the next job.  Should take about an hour or so.  No rush to get it done during a blizzard, except that the owner of the house is away on business and his 'trophy' wife is home alone, again.  My husband is the only contractor left on the job and he constantly talks about her and how 'helpless' she is without her man around. Oh Please. I know some of the other contractors and they all love to work at this house because she is so 'hot' and flits around the house in 'form fitting' clothing.  Since he's been gone since 7:00 this morning and the job is only 20 minutes away (at best), I can't imagine (or can I?) what he's doing at her house for four hours since the job is finished.  I'm just waiting for the phone call to tell me he's stuck in the snow or some other lie he likes to make up to cover up philandering.

 This is just another episode in a long line of lies and deception that I can't live with anymore.  I can't quite put my finger on when it all went wrong but there was a time when we were in love and we had sex, great sex, on a regular basis.  We were proud of the fact that we'd been married over 20 years and still had a fulfilling sex life.  The details are too many too list but I noticed a drastic change in his behavior in August of '07.  He was working a little late one day and called to say that he was on his way home.  I decided to cook him one of his favorite meals and greet him at the door in some very sexy lingerie and heels that he had given me.  He had been in the habit of buying me expensive, sexy things that aroused him and he loved it when I wore them.  Never failed to get him excited.  Except this day.  When he came home, I met him at the door in a black lace merrywidow, black strappy heels and a long velvet robe.  His reaction was to peck me on the cheek, walk straight by and say 'I'm hungry."  Stunned as I was, I followed him into the kitchen and put his food on a plate.  He took it from me and walked away into the living room and sat on the couch to eat.  Never saying a word about how I looked.  He ate his meal without speaking and then turned on wrestling!  He never watches wrestling, doesn't even like it.  I sat next to him on the couch and he tried his best not to notice me.  I was crushed and felt like a fool. 

 I tried to talk to him but he avoided eye contact with me and said he 'needed time' to get ready for sex.  What? He'd never 'needed time' before.  Then I caught on.  The look on his face, the change in his attitude, voice, eyes, all of it, he'd been with another woman.  Later on, I tried to talk about what was happening here and he had no answers.  In the days, weeks, months and now years following, he's become colder, more distant and has absolutely no interest in sex with me.  He's so disinterested in me that he even falls asleep if we give it a try.  He does not try to please me in the least and is only available if he's the one getting pleasure.  We now have no sex at all. It's an effort for him to even hug me or touch me. I can tell by his face, the lack of enthusiasm and even the mumbling that he he wants nothing to do with me.  I asked him one night why he was not attracted to me anymore, I still have a nice figure, I'm not overweight, I love sex, intimacy, experimentation, I've never turned down his advances (though he's turned down all of mine in the last couple years), we have a lot in common, music, sports, sense of humor, etc.... All he could do was agree with me and say that he was still attracted but gave no reasons for his distance. 

This is devastating to me as I was accustomed to an active and fulfilling sex life and still want one, very badly.  I've brought the subject up several times and he just says that he loves me and is still attracted to me but I know he's lying.  Why won't he tell the truth?  I've even given him the opportunity to leave if he wants and told him I'd understand if he didn't want me anymore but I just wanted the truth.  I can't stand the faking and lies every day.  He spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer, completely ignores me and never talks about anything other than politics or his work (when he has it).  He never wants to talk about how we're falling apart or if he wants to fix it.  I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that this marriage is over but he says he will never leave me.  I don't understand why since he is clearly unhappy, has no interest in sex with me or any interest in anything about me.  He never asks what happened at work, doctor's appointments, anything I do or anyplace I go, nothing.  I would much rather he admit the truth and get this over with but I think he's waiting for me to initiate a divorce so he doesn't have to do it and look like the bad guy.  

I know he's been with other women because I've found condoms in his gym bag, backpack that he takes to football games, in his truck and in his jacket pockets.  When I asked him about the condoms he tried to tell me some bs story that they were for me in case we 'got busy' in his truck or somewhere else.  It was so absurd that I actually laughed out loud and asked him if he really expected me to believe that story. He smiled and said yes.  By the way, we never 'got busy' in his truck.  Aside from the condoms he's had secret phone calls, mystery disappearances (like today), and a sack full of lies that are worthy of some kind of award for creativity.  I told him I knew he was always lying (because his stories just don't add up or make sense) and that I wasn't going to put up with it forever. I'm putting up with it now because we have two kids together, one that is still young and wouldn't understand divorce.  Maybe that's why he's staying too, but I wish he would tell me. 

There's much more but that's all I can write at this moment.  If anyone reads this I'd be interested to know if you've had similar experiences and how you handled it.  Don't think I need much advice on where this is going because I think that's pretty clear. However, if you care to comment, please do. If you're a guy, have you ever done this to someone, and why?  If you're a lady, has a guy ever done this to you and do you know why?    

StrongEnough StrongEnough
46-50, F
6 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Your marriage is dead. Mourning is appropriate and necessary, but it won't bring it back to life. Take control of as much of your finances as you can handle as soon as possible. "Can't afford" is somewhat relative...the ship is sinking; you need to be on the lifeboat; some of your baggage may be helpful, but not if you're left on the deck.<br />
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(And in this neighborhood, going out in today's blizzard for any reason would have demonstrating a significant lack of reasoning ability...I haven't seen a "civilian" vehicle all day.)

I don't think I can say much more than you and the others have already said. All I can offer is my best wishes and the fact that everyone here is in some form of similar situation and it s*cks for all of us. It is good to get things off your chest, but you know you have some decisions to make. He sounds like he is not going to do anything.<br />
If your hard earned money is going to one of his flings...I would find a way first to cut off that flow of money to him. Your own checking account, CC, etc. It will start a battle as you already described, but you already have a battle. So conserve your resources...don't let him spend it on her.<br />
Keep yourself healthy. The emotional stress is draining...if you faulter psychically you will not be able to care for your kids the way you want to.<br />
Good Luck

Thanks for the comments people. As much as I don't want to hear that I'm being a doormat, I know it's true and the truth hurts. It struck a sensitive nerve to read that and actually produced a few tears but it's not like I didn't already know, it's hearing/reading it for the first time from someone else, you know, the confirmation of things you already know to be true but in a way hope that they're not. <br />
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AnarChristian's comment hits the nail on the head - or at least one nail. We are having serious financial difficulties right now and laying out money for divorce attorneys is not possible. We are not even able to pay our mortgage and I'm struggling to put food on the table and keep the lights on. I also believe he's hanging on because I am the primary bread winner and without my income we would be out in the street right now. I do fear that scenario is not too far away if he doesn't step up and bring some more money home. He says he's been trying to find more work but from what I've seen, when he's not working (which is all too often) he sits around the house and is on the computer for hours on end. He says he's sending out resume's and whatnot but his job search has not extended past e-mails and a random phone call. The financial situation has also stopped me from seeing a therapist. I've been wanting to for months now but don't have the money to pay one. I actually found this site doing searches for online support groups, therapy, etc., so just writing about it right now is actually helping a little.<br />
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I guess you are correct zorbas about the reasons not mattering at this point. It's just that I feel I deserve an explaination after nearly 25 years of marriage. Our 25th is in three months and I feel as if it is a joke at this point. I'm not even going to mention it and I'm actually dreading it right now. He didn't so much as give me a card on our 24th. I knew for sure at that point it was hopeless. But here's the strange thing....sometimes....out of the blue....he'll tell me how much he loves me and even goes so far as to say "I was born to love you." WTF? One day I told him I did believe that he loved me, somewhere inside, but he was not IN love with me anymore. You should have seen the look on his face. He knew I was right but he couldn't admit it. He simply dodged the bullet and changed the subject. <br />
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It hurts a lot to come to grips with the fact that a 27 year relationship is going down the tubes (we were together 2 years before we got married). I was a teenager when I met him and he's the only man I've been with since. There was a time when I believed I was the whole world to him and we had something nobody else did. Everyone we knew was either divorced or getting divorced but we were still happy and in love. Guess we'll be joining the ranks soon enough. <br />
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It just ****** me off that I have to be the one to do the dirty work here. He's the one that obviously wants someone/something else but doesn't have the stones to say so or do something about it (except be unfaithful). Why should I have to be the one to start divorce proceedings? I didn't sleep with anyone else. I didn't break any promises. Why is he dumping this on me? Why won't he man up and do what's right? One guess is that he doesn't have enough money to support this new life he wants. However, one week last summer he spent $1000 with no explaination. When I asked him about it he got very angry and was upset that I was 'tracking his every move.' Who wouldn't ask how and why $1000 left the bank account in one week with no evidence of bills being paid or necessary items being purchased? <br />
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I'm at the point, and have been here for a while, that I don't believe anything he tells me and I'm almost always sad. I can't stand living like this. I don't want to be roommates, which is how we're living now. I want a husband, a lover, a confidant, a partner. I know in my head that there is no turning this around, it's too late for that, but it's this darned heart that doesn't want to accept it. I've spent more years of my life with this man than I've spent without him. We've been through so much together including bringing two beautiful children into the world. Breaking away from him and the life we've had together is painful, remorseful, agonizing. I've known all along that it was going to be up to me to put an end to this but that doesn't make it any better. I guess I don't get any answers. The only way to finally get peace is for us to be two seperate people. <br />
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I had this idea a couple months ago that for our 25th I'd give him the gift he's been wanting. His freedom. Kind of ironic, huh?

While I am completely empathetic with your circumstance, the only question in my mind is why you continue remaining in marriage that is at his convenience. Stevenm7 referred to you as a doormat and the description does fit you adequately. <br />
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I am not, obviously aware the complete dynamics of your marital discord but I can surely see that this marriage is at an end. He is taking his ardor elsewhere and his reasons for doing so are moot and unimportant at this point . <br />
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The importance now is that you seek legal help to insure a healthy financial settlement in divorce from this man and start a concerted plan of action to put your life back in order. He has abused you long enough and it is time for you to take your life and happiness back on your terms and not his.<br />
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I wish you well in this but do start it now.

StrongEnough, <br />
Can you afford to divorce your husband?

Why are you torturing yourself? Firstly, go see a therapist, by yourself and get yourself strong. He knows you won't leave him, so he is being a ****!<br />
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You may have two young children, but eventually they are going to catcfh on to what's happening here. When they do, they will hate his guts. I am sure you don't want that.<br />
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Okay secondly, go see an attorney and get some divorce papers drawn up and presented to him. Want to see him **** a brick? Do it. It's either going to make him straighten up and fly right or give you an opportunity to find a man who really loves and wants you.