Very Tired Of Being Refused

Wow - it's refreshing to see there are others out there with experiences similar to my own.  I am very glad to have found this group, and have enjoyed reading many of the stories and posts over the past several days.


My own story:

I am an attractive, educated, successful professional man married (9yrs.) to a beautiful woman whom I love.  We have preschool-aged children.

My experience with sexless marriage began about a year into our marriage.  We experienced a period of about 3 months with no sex, during which I was met with continual refusal from my wife.  She was always too tired, too stressed, had a headache, didn't feel well, or just proclaimed that she wasn't in the mood.  This was deeply troubling to me as it was an abrupt and dramatic change in what had been, up to that point, a good sex life.  We had sex at least 2 times per week (usually more often), and our encounters were almost always passionate and steamy.  My wife and I were both left very satisfied after our encounters.  Suddenly, however, I found myself wondering what turned my wife off in such a sudden and dramatic fashion.

After a few months, my wife's disinterest and continual refusal diminished, and we resumed having somewhat regular sex.  Our encounters were less frequent than before, but hey, at least we were having some sort of intimacy in our relationship.  In the years that followed there were two other similar multi-month sexless episodes.  As in the first instance, I was left wondering why my wife no longer found me attractive, wondering whether or not she was having an affair, wondering what I could have done to turn her off in such a way.  Talking to her about it just seemed to make matters worse, and as in the first instance, these episodes eventually passed and we resumed some semblance of a sex life.

Since then we have had two children, and up until about a 1 1/2 years ago, enjoyed a fairly intimate relationship with sex about once per week.  Things have now changed - profoundly.

My wife and I now regularly go a month or more (sometimes 2 or 3) with no sex.  She flatly refuses my advances, and becomes very annoyed by the prospect of sex.  My conversations with her about the level of intimacy (or lack thereof) in our relationship make her angry, and just crush any hopes I have of actually working toward some sort of solution.  Our conversations about the lack of sex in our marriage usually end with her stating that I need to just "stop always thinking about sex", or stating that she is "not the one with the problem, since she is satisfied just the way things are".  I have tried everything I can think of, from doing ALL of the household chores and cooking, dinners out, "just us" weekends, massages, candles, date nights, nothing works.  I've even tried the "no pressure" approach - that just resulted in the single longest sexless interval thus far in our marriage.

My wife seems to now go out of her way to avoid any possibility of intimacy - she will spend time with me until we put the kids to bed, then she always finds something to keep herself out of reach until it is very late and I have fallen asleep.  It's usually work emails, household chores (that I have already done that day), a tv show etc.  When we do go to bed together, she wears multiple layers of clothes (i.e. sweatshirt, shirt, socks, long pants etc.) even in the summer time.  She usually builds a pillow wall or tucks the blanket tightly under her side so there is no chance of me touching her.

During one of our conversations this past summer, she proclaimed "If you're so dissatisfied just go get a mistress - I dare you!"  I have resolved NOT to do that - I will not give her the satisfaction of being able to play the victim if our marriage dissolves because of this.   After that conversation I think she felt bad, because she bought me a "toy" to help with my "frustration".  She now gets angry if I use it (and yes, sad to say, she checks to see if it's been used by checking to see if there is any moisture inside from being cleaned). 

Refused1 Refused1
31-35, M
20 Responses Feb 10, 2010

AnthroLalo's comments ring true I to think she is playing away from home.<br />
My wife has virtually refused me from day one, yet makes no secret ofher other relationships.<br />
At a party she will engineer a argument with me and leave with another man, returning the next day blaming me for what happened.

I dnt think u should get a divorce if everything else is good btween u. She obviosly wants u cuz she gets jealous when u use the toy theres a reason shes not givin it to u when u want her. Do u tell her how good a job shes doin wit the kids or how u appreciate the clean house or warm dinner? Give her flowers or a necklace and tell her how much u love her without pressuring 4sex. Show u love her and appriciate all she does and she will reward u.

There is no need to feel like you'll ruin the lives of your children by simply calling off something that does not, and cannot keep you satisfied or happy. She's controlling you mate, and the only way to deal with control, is to get rid of the tassels and whip. Forget about sex with her, it's not worth the wait, and once more it's not worth your happiness to keep something together that you simply cannot do. I suggest a separation, if not a complete divorce. Your children would understand in time that you couldn't keep it together, if they aren't so stuck up her *** in the future. To keep yourself at a comfortable level with them and yourself. Just be their Father; if you must get away from her, and be Dad whenever you can have them. Call them, take care of them, buy them stuff, keep them at your place, and if you do end up finding someone, don't let them meet her for a while. I believe that you're in a situation that can be resolved, LIKE any situation, and it just so happens that your way might seem a little harder; but you don't seem like a lazy person, who says they just want to stay in it "for the children." That makes you sound like a good human being to some, sure; but we all know, that it's a cop out. You can still maintain a decent respect if not a great one with your children, if you work for it, and be more mature about the whole situation.

You need to divorce or get counseling. SHE has the problem. To me she sounds like a real bxxxxxx Find someone who enjoys your passion for sex and intimacy. Life is too short to play with toys!!!!!!!!!!!

I think she is depressed...or she doesn't feel sexy<br />
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OR maybe she resents you for something you don't know about<br />
i really think that is it<br />
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i mean she won't talk about it<br />
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tell me... what made her interested in you to begin with ? like how did you start dating and getting intimate?

I have commented before in my own story about the addictive nature of control freaks. I still stand by my opinion based on living with a control freak who used the lack of communication and the lack of sex to manipulate and abuse me for years. I wish I could help you with the Why? of it. I cannot and neither can any of us who are at this site. If we knew the why and could understand the inner workings of another person's mind, then you could get some answers. But none of us are mind readers. We are forced to come to conclusions based on behaviors. So you are experiencing your wife's behavior and you are not stupid. Accept that you cannot change or fix another person but you can change and fix yourself. Good luck with your decisions and God bless you and your children.

I am sorry you have to go through this. I commend you for trying to find ways to get a release w/o cheating.

She buys you a sex toy to find relief and then tells you that you are cheating on her? This sounds like a set up to me. Only you can know how much you can endure and because you have young children, this has to be extremely painful to you as a husband and father. Even the fact that she checks this toy shows how controlling she is being with you. <br />
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What about marriage counseling? Have you suggested this option to her? Some women become mothers and forget that the most important relationship is still being a wife and sexual partner. Could pregnancy have had an effect on her hormone levels? Would she be willing to see a her doctor and get her hormone levels checked?<br />
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The best gift a mother can give to her children is loving their father and showing him affection. It is how they learn to pattern their lives as adults. If this continues, they will sense the tension and unhappiness. They are like little sponges absorbing what they see and feel around them. <br />
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You are in a hard place. Have tried all of the things you can and maybe it is time to seek some counseling. If she refuses then go for yourself. You are in emotional pain. Probably angry and bewildered. Perhaps she is unaware of how much this hurts you? That your marriage is in jeopardy? Is it possible that she is the one who feels unattractive? The body changes after having children and maybe she feels that she is no longer sexually appealing? Some women find sex distasteful after becoming mothers. That their biological needs to reproduce have been met. I do not know if this is true with your wife. Just trying to give you some answers. I wish you success no matter what road you decide to take.

Reasons are not important unless you have to have one to provide some sort of "closure". What is left are actions. You seem to be at a point where you are realizing that your original plan of having a happy, fulfilling marriage is not going to happen. You need, as Andy so clearly spelled out, to decide which of those elements you can best live without. Just be aware than any decision to forgo the sane relationship and stay for the children means that you will be running on battery power. When your charge is exhausted, you'll be back to decision making, but with fewer mental resources to draw on for the next phase...

Hi I loved and enjoyed reading this post. I am going through something very similar. I also know that when enough is enough you will have the Motivation to let this go. When their is no intimacy in a relationship the communication, closeness, expectations become a complete blur! Its like you become a roommate or something... I hope that you can break through to her and get to the bottom of things.

Refused, you are young...run now!! Seriously, there is something wrong with your wife (gives you a sex toy then actually checks to see if you use it? and gets mad if you do?!)...this insanity will only get worse. Your kids will survive a divorce, it's not uncommon in our society and it is much better that they don't live in an unhappy home. It's possible that they are not aware of any problems now, but if this continues, which it undoubtedly will, it's going to become a war zone...and that won't be good for you or them. You have so much ahead of you...you don't want to look back in a few years and say I wish I left...<br />
Good luck to you...it's not easy.

Do you honestly think it is better for your kids to watch this than to be shared cross 2 different residences?

Steve - we do share all household costs. And yes, it does feel more like a roommate situation than a marriage.

Whoops!! Sorry - we must have posted at the same time!!

I am reposting my comment too:<br />
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Read widely here on this forum. It is the best advice I can give you at the moment. You need to learn as much as you can about Sexless Marriage so you can formulate your own plans for moving forward.<br />
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You have the sincerest of sympathy from us all - and we are both men AND women, of all ages. We all understand exactly what you are going through.<br />
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IMPORTANT! This situation rarely resolves in a positive way - but it can if the couple started off well (you two did!) AND both parties want to fix the problem. You have half of this - maybe you can get to the point where your wife IS prepared to work on her marriage . . . ? <br />
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Added after reading the rest of your story . . . <br />
Any optimism I had about you just possibly being able to resuscitate your marriage has now faded - sorry!!

Posted by Enna30 to my duplicate post:<br />
"Read widely here on this forum. It is the best advice I can give you at the moment. You need to learn as much as you can about Sexless Marriage so you can formulate your own plans for moving forward.<br />
<br />
You have the sincerest of sympathy from us all - and we are both men AND women, of all ages. We all understand exactly what you are going through.<br />
<br />
IMPORTANT! This situation rarely resolves in a positive way - but it can if the couple started off well (you two did!) AND both parties want to fix the problem. You have half of this - maybe you can get to the point where your wife IS prepared to work on her marriage . . . ?"<br />
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Thanks for the comment, Enna - good advice. One has to recognize there is a problem before it can be fixed. In her mind there isn't a problem. Not sure how that can change...

Steve,<br />
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She works too. We are financially stable and both could do just fine on our own. Maybe you're right - I guess I could be a "paycheck" in her mind - only she knows.<br />
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Regarding the toy - I think I'll keep it. I'm not going to live the rest of my life without having an "O" - so if it results in fights that cause our marriage to deteriorate to the point that it is no longer a good environment for the kids then I have no more motivation to stay.

I posted on your other story too . . .

Steve,<br />
<br />
I accidentally double posted. I deleted the first post - I think your comment was attached to that.

Looks like my initial post was truncated - sorry for the long post.<br />
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To continue:<br />
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She now says that using the "toy" is cheating, as is any **** I may now watch. I guess she wants me to be celibate in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.<br />
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I now find her behavior and demeanor sadistic, if not downright evil.<br />
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I have suggested couples counseling and therapy, and suggested that my wife see her OBGYN about her low sex drive. All suggested solutions are flatly ignored.<br />
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Because of our children, I am undecided about whether to stick this out or move on. I feel that I owe my kids a childhood free of the traumas associated with a broken home.